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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 28, 2016 9:35am-10:12am PDT

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you, everybody. thank you so much. tonight's guest from the great state of south carolina, senator lindsey graham is here! ( cheers and applause ) that's coming up in a bit. but first, yesterday was another primary election day, and because tuesday is the most
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convenient day of the week to take three hours out of your life, the people of arizona chose to do just that. yeah, only person sadder than the ones who had to wait in line for three hours is john kasich, who got fewer votes than marco rubio, a man who isn't even in the race anymore. ( laughter ) it sort of makes sense i guess arizona would identify with marco rubio, because they, too, are desperate for water. ( laughter ) but last night's winners were, of course, hillary clinton and donald trump. they both won in arizona. ted cruz won in utah. bernie sanders had victories in both utah and idaho. but the biggest-- biggest fights of the evening wasn't over states. it was over wives. >> trump alleging cruz's campaign ran negative ads between his wife melania trump tweeting, "be careful, lying ted, or i will spill the beans on your wife." cruz firing back, calling trump a coward. >> if donald wants to get in a character fight, he's better off
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sticking with me because heidi is way out of his league. ( laughter ) >> trevor: what the hell kind of comeback is that? i'm the creepy one. up to the deal with me. and why does ted cruz always sound like he's delivering lines from a movie. >> you want a character debate, bob, you better stick with me because cindy ellen wade is way out of your league. >> trevor: i see what happened here. you're running for president, so you steal lines from "the american president." clearly, there's no love lost between trump and cruz. and that also turns out to be true between trump and most republican leaders. >> donald trump is a phony, a fraud. >> i'm very concerned for our country if we nominate him. >> this is going to be a disaster for the republican party. >> very dangerous for the country. >> very dangerous for the party. >> donald trump as president i believe would be a disaster. >> this party does not prey on people'people's prejudices. >> donald trump does not
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represent me, and he does not represent my party. >> donald trump does not represent the republican party. >> he doesn't represent the republican party or its values. >> trevor: wow. that's like new stepdad levels of hate. ( bleep ) you, donald! you'll never be my dad-- i mean, nominee! i get why the party is so upset that trump is heading towards the nomination, you know, because he says and does some pretty out-there things. but along with their concerns surely republicans are asking themselves how they got to the point where the possibility that the next face of their party also happens to be the faceave butternut squash who wished on a shooting star and became a real-life boy. in other words, they must be asking themselves how the ( bleep ) did we get here? tonight we take a look at exactly that in our ongoing coverage, "how the ( bleep ) we got here." ( cheers and applause ) so, this is the big question for republicans-- why is their voter
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base going for someone like donald trump? a man they say isn't even a true republican. but isn't he? well, let's start with what's pretty much his central message. >> this country is a mess. >> you don't hear good news about this country. we just never win. we don't win with the military. we don't win with trade. the country is going to hell in a handbasket. we have to rebuild our country. we're like a third-world country. >> trevor: no, donald trump, you're not like a third-world country. i'm from a third-world country. ( laughter ) you wish you were like a third-world country. yeah. talk to me when ostriches chase you on the highway. ( laughter ) that's the ( bleep ) that goes down in my country, my friend. hashtag third world problems. ( cheers and applause ) so even though the u.s. has the world's strongest military, the lowest unemployment in nearly a decade, and more people covered by health insurance than ever before, donald trump still thinks america is in grave
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decline. and if he's not a true republican, why are there so many republicans who have been saying the exact same thing? >> there may be no turning back for america. >> our country's on a very bad course. >> president obama's placed us on a path of decline. >> our enemies don't fear us, and our allies don't believe we can be relied on. >> i think we're on the verge of losing it all. >> president obama is mortgaging our future. he's turning american dream into the european nightmare. >> trevor: oh, the european nightmare. that's the one where my penis turns into a baguette and then a mime eats it. ( laughter ) that is-- that's more of a dream than a nightmare, now that i-- now that i look at it. that's not so bad. so donald trump's main smej basically the same doom and gloom a lot of republicans have been preaching for years. but they're saying he's not the kind of candidate they want. so what kind of candidates have republicans been looking for? >> we need someone who is truly going to be outside washington. >> you need an outsider that
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will walk into washington, d.c. >> we need people from outside of washington. >> government of the insiders, by the insiders, for the insiders. >> we are gomped by a permanent political class. >> not of the washington scene. >> i'm the only guy that hasn't spent time in washington. >> trevor: yes, yes, and congratulations, mitt romney, because you still haven't spent any time in washington. perfect record, yeah. ( applause ) who's more of an outsider to washington than donald trump? and honestly, the more you look at it, you know, the more it feels like trump and the republicans are in one of those romantic comedies where they still don't realize that they're the perfect match for each other. think about it! the g.o.p. has always found one thing very sexy, and that's a man who handles his business. >> washington needs to be run like a business. >> i'm a businessman. >> we've got a president today who has never run a business. >> i have a huge business and great business. >> put more of our fellow americans pack to work. >> real solutions to grow the economy and create jobs.
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>> i have created tens of thousands of jobs. >> trevor: i'm not saying the g.o.p. is a gold digger but they ain't messing with no broke people, or black people. ( applause ) why can't the g.o.p. see this? i don't understand. even though republicans think trump's all wrong for therm, they're a match made in heaven. they both think america is crashing, they could practically finish each other's xenophobic sentences. >> they're bringing drugs. they're bringing crime. they're rapists. they have calves the size of cantaloupes because they're hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert. >> i will build a wall. it will be a great wall. >> drug and human smuggling, home invasions, murder-- complete the dang fence. >> you can say what you want about the koran, you can say what you want, there's something there. >> you have to be monitoring muslim communitys. that's where the threat is going to come from. >> total and complete shutdown
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of muslims entering the united states. >> trevor: ah, so much xenophobic hatred. ♪ ivory and ivory together we hate in harmony ♪ and by the way, republicans, there's no need to be so scared of foreigners. we're just like bumble bees. yeah, we're way more afraid of you than you are of us. come on, g.o.p. the man checks every box. and i get that you may mott trust him since he's always saying things that aren't remotely true, how mexico will pay for a wall ask or how his hairp naturally does that. what could be more republican than bending the truth a little. >> you're asking us to trust turning power over to the government when there clearly are people in america who believe in establishing euthenasia. >> the president thinks we ought to take away second amendment rights of people who have never broken a on law. >> this is tim, to gradually ease sharia law and the muslim
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faith into our government. >> the president of the united states will be taking a trip over to india that is expected to cost the taxpayers $200 million a day. >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? have you ever been to india? you couldn't spend $200 million a day if you tried. everything's cheap there, everything. i bought the taj mahal for, like, 40 bucks. and it came with a rice pudding i didn't even ask for. they just gave it to me. this is not even the point. trump can't help it if he gets things wrong now and then. he speaks from the himselfs, not like the scripted politicians which is something the g.o.p. has always seen as arowgz. >> i think we've had too much political correctness. >> political correctness is killing this country. >> now, more than ever, in america, we need a commander in chief who will tell it like it is. >> somebody has to come out and tell like it is. >> i'm not reading the teleprompter. i'll leave up that to president obama. >> i'd love to use a teleprompter and have one here, one here, and i'd go like this ba-ba-ba-ba. ( laughter ).
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>> trevor: is this trump's way of telling us he can't read? ( laughter ) what are those words? ba-ba... republicans, open your eyes. donald trump is the man of your dreams. you can deny it all you want, but you can't mess with destiny. and the sooner you realize that, and the sooner you see that what you think is passionate hatred is just really passion. the sooner you see that, the sooner you can get it on. ( cheers and applause ) my advice, republicans, get a convention room, take hold of trump's tiny little hands, and then, when the time is right, put on some fox news and chill. ( cheers and applause ) oh, yeah. we'll be right back. okay, what is this?
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it's chewy. really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts. (pilot talking to tower on radio) once you get out here... there's just one direction... forward. one time: now.
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and there's just one sound. you and us... together. telling the world... we're coming for you.
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is that just a phrase you say? >> it's an observation more than anything else. how are you doing. >> trevor: i'm doing great. thank you very much for being on the show. >> absolutely. >> trevor: let's get straight into it. let's cut to the chase. >> cut to the chase. >> trevor: you have officially endorsed ted cruz. >> i'm on the ted train, absolutely. what's not to like. >> trevor: which is a very interesting train for you to be aboard. ( laughter ). >> well, i started with 17 cars. i'm down to three. >> trevor:you were actually one of the cars. >> well, i didn't last very long. >> trevor: you were an empty car and got on the train-- >> absolutely. >> trevor: this is why this is so interesting to have you here. we can play-- >> >> if you killed ted cruz on the norofloor of the senate, and the trial was in the senate, nobody could convict you. ( cheers and applause )
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>> trevor: so it's safe to say that you are/were/are not a fan of ted cruz. >> it tells you everything you need to know about donald trump. >> trevor: yeah, but i-- i don't understand this. you really, really, really-- you don't like ted cruz. >> i don't dislike ted. ted and i have a lot of differences. i'm getting better at this. ( laughter ) >> trevor: you guys are like a. >> he's not completely crazy. good. he's really >> trevor: so partially crazy, partially crazy. >> that works in washington. you got bernie. >> trevor: okay, okay. not fully crazy. what turns you on because bcruz? >> that he's not trump. >> trevor: that's all you need? >> and that he's a republican
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who will not-- we will not get completely killed. and if donald trump wins i think it taints conserve tich for decades to come. hills racism, bigotry, xenophobia, other than that he'd be a good nominee. >> trevor: here's a question i have for you, though, here's a question i have-- >> we're about to lose to the most dishonest woman in the america, hillary clinton. >> trevor: if you say donald trump is not a republican, why does it seem like the republican base fits him like a glove? what's going on? do the voters not know that-- or have you maybe given them the impression that maybe this is a party that supports xenophobia and bigotry and all of those things you listed? is that possible? ( applause ). >> it's possible tha some do, absolutely. 35% of my party believe that obama's a muslim born in kenya. he's locked that crowd down. now, 55% of us just think he's a bad president. >> trevor: oh, i-- there was a
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joke there, but then you guys were not on his side at all. you gierpz not-- >> i don't get paid to do this is there you should have done it the other way around. i hear what you're saying, so you're not on that train. no, no i understand, you're saying there are some people in the party who do not have the-- >> are you a a citizen. >> trevor: am i a citizen, i am not. >> do you have a green card? >> i do not. i would be out of here in a hurry. >> trevor: is that you worried about-- why did you say that? >> if trump wins, your days are numbered, pal. you a black liberal guy from africa is not going to work for him. >> trevor: you have the look of terror in your eyes. this is fascinating, because you're literally like, "we're all gonna die. we're all gonna die. we're all gonna die." you know what you look like right now, have you seen the movie where's there's one guy, and he's got, like, a shotgun running down the street, "the end is near!
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the end is near!" you say trud ted cruz over donald trump. but here's another-- >> trevor: i don't understand. if it is like being-- okay, first of all, who is shooting and who is poisoning between trump and cruz? >> well, don coald is like being shot in the head. you might find an antidote to poisoning, but i don't know. >> trevor: wait, are you saying-- are you saying-- >> i'm saying my party is completely screwed up. >> trevor: but then why would you nominate anyone, then? ( cheers and applause ) i don't understand. why nominate anyone? why not-- why not-- why not go behind kasich. >> if we didn't nominate anybody we would start all over again. it's called democracy.
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welcome to america. i'm going to change my name to bodie mcboat face graham and see if that helps. >> trevor: this is so much fun. i feel for you, and we're going to talk more about the party, but that's all we've got time for in this segment. we'll be right back with more from senator lindsey graham, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) marvin thinks you have to be a brainiac to do your own taxes. so we brought in world-renowned brainiac, to help him. take your finger and press it right here. sfx: camera shutter, buzz, bloop. yay, you got it. intuit turbo tax. break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers.
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after trying brookside crunchy clusters, @carlybeyar tweeted: at this point, i should just be a brookside chocolate ambassador. well, i am sorry, carly... it's something you earn. brookside. talk about delicious. are you eating lucky charms? no. this is a dream. they're magically delicious.
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thope to see you again soon.. whoa, whoa, i got this. just gotta get the check. almost there. i can't reach it. if you have alligator arms, you avoid picking up the check. what? it's what you do. i got this. thanks, dennis! if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. growwwlph. it's what you do. oh that is good crispy duck. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." we're here with senator lindsey graham.
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and i did a little bit of research on you. i knew that you grew up in a bar, i guess, as a back of a bar. >> yes, the back of a bar. >> trevor: and i also know you're a bit of a pool shark. i thought let's play a game of pool. and i know you're probably better than i am. we're going to raise the stakes. every time one of us misses a shot, we have to give donald trump a compliment. ( laughter ). >> this is going to hurt you as much as me. >> trevor: the compliment is under the table, taped to the bottom of the table. so every time either of us misses a shot, then we have to take a compliment from under the pool table and thrad out lout loud. >> this is the most pressure i've ever had playing. >> trevor:you said you want to bet. you said you want to bet. because you're the guest, you break. senator lindsey graham breaking for donald trump's compliment. >> we owned a bar, liquor store, and pool room. this is why i would mack a great president. >> trevor: oh, nice break. >> not really. but the good news is i don't have to shoot next.
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>> trevor: oh! >> unless you're really good, you're pretty screwed. >> trevor: i'm not-- i'm from a third world country. we don't even know what this is. we don't have pools or tables. ( laughter ) >> look at this. he's got a good stick. i can tell alrey. >> trevor: i don't know with this. ( cheers and applause ) >> oh! okay, i have to-- i'm going to read-- i'm just-- i'm going to read-- i'm going to read the compliment. here it is. oh! you know donald trump's not so bad because having wispier hair is highly valued in many dog breeds. ( cheers and applause ) your shot. oh!
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oh! >> all right, the key to pool is the next shot, not the shot you're about to make. so the goal is to get so i can make the 14. >> trevor: here's a question-- imagine if you applied that technique to the war in the middle east. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> okay, all right. >> trevor: the next shot. >> okay. that's isil in syria. >> trevor: okay. >> this is going to be isil in iraq. >> trevor: you notice you're still in the middle east, though, right? >> yeah. >> trevor: so that's isil in syria. who's that? >> no, libya is much more problematic. >> trevor: oh! >> oh! all right, here we go. damn it. ( laughter ) doesn't let minor things like
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facts or logic get in the way of perfectly bad policy proposals. ( laughter ) my man donald. your next president. >> trevor: no, no, not enough. compliment time. donald trump is-- he's not so bad. he's not so bad because orange is a really difficult color to wear and he's really committed to it. there it is. ( applause ) >> mine was he makes boehner look like an albino. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: who is this guy? who is this guy? this is the shot, though, this is the movie shot. make the shot. >> this is the shot. you want me to make this and end it. >> trevor: make the shot. come omake the shot. make the shots. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: senator lindsey
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graham, everybody! thank you so much for being here, senator. thank you for joining us. >> thank you. >> trevor: good luck with trump. >> thanks. >> trevor: i truly believe he is the candidate of your dreams. if those dreams are nightmares. senator lindsey graham, everybody. thank you so much. we'll be right back. 5-hour energy® presents... why are you so tired? ahh, the "after lunch food coma." we've all been there. you had planned on ordering the salad, but the pasta and fries looked so good. now, you're trying to find a place to catch a few zzzs... without the boss catching you. next time, grab a great tasting 5-hour energy® shot. it'll help you stay alert and productive... no matter what's on the menu. now is the time for 5-hour energy®. i was in the military for 18 years. i joined the service so i could serve my country
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be hungry for more. just never be hungry. with premium pepperoni and 100% real cheese... ding! hot pockets! are you eating lucky charms? no. this is a dream. they're magically delicious. okayit's chewy.his? really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts. thought i told you to stay off our turf. and what would you know about turf, skipper? let's end this here and now! let's dance! flo: whoa there! progressive covers boats and rvs, okay? plenty of policies to go around. [ grunts ] oh, oh, i'm the bad guy?
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you threw a fish at us, so, yeah. yeah. coverage for land and sea. now, that's progressive. "here it goes, and it's going ♪ whistle music throughout nearly half of us will need a lawyer this year. find the right one for you on avvo. avvo. legal. easier. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. now, here it is, your moment of zen.
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♪ stand by me i'll stand by you ♪ come on stand, stand by you ♪ don par: the following is an address by the president of the united states. good evening, my fellow americans. this past tuesday you went to the polls in the first midterm election of this presidency, and you made history. as the party holding the white house, republicans were expected to lose seats in both the house and senate, but because of your support, we actually gained seats increasing our majority in the house and returning the senate to republican control. let's look at the senate. before the election, its 100 members included 50 democrats, 49 republicans, and one independent, senator jeffords of vermont,
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the pee pants who switched parties. that's 50 democrats, 49 republicans, and one independent. on tuesday, democrats picked up one seat in arkansas. but republicans gained three in georgia, minnesota, and missouri. thus in january the new senate will have 51 democrats, 52 republicans, and one independent. no, wait. that can't be right. wait. let's try this. [ chuckling ] on tuesday, democrats lost three seats, but republicans only lost one which means, come next year, the 100-member senate will have 47 democrats,


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