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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  April 14, 2016 9:48am-10:21am PDT

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abraham lincoln was? that must have been an awkward exchange. yeah, we wrote america a letter from abraham lincoln." and they're like, "who was abraham lincoln?" "he was the president who gave the slaves freedom." and they're like, "what's freedom?" just ignore all of this. i'll say this for north korea. their letter really captured lincoln's voice. >> the phony letter opens with, "hey, obama, you have a lot on your mind. i'll give you some advice." >> trevor: that sound exactly like honest aib. if abraham lincoln was writing a letter to president obama, he wouldn't give any advice. it would probably be a letter like, "dude, did i hook you up or what?" but, hey, kim jung un, it's funny that you found a letter from abraham lincoln, because we found a letter to you from the last north korean dictator, your dad, kim jong il. i'll read it to you now.
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( laughter ) "hey, son, what the hell is with your haircut? did you see a painted brush and say, 'that dude's look'. and lose some weight. how you can rup a country when you can't even run a mile. you're eating so many cupcakes you're starting to look like one." your dad was mean. "and really, dennis rodman. if you're hanging out with 90s bull players you go with jordan or pippin, you ediot. p.s., stop jerking off in the grand hall. i can see you." moving on, let's talk about the speaker of the house. now, in america, this is one of the most powerful position, right after reverse cowgirl, of course. but as speaker of the house, you lead the majority party in the house of representatives and you're second in line to the presidency. so if the president and vice president meet an unfortunate end, then you have to step up, and the pressure of this position alone can reduce a man to constant weeping.
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right now, right now, the job is held by wisconsin representative and sexy secret gyllenhaal paul ryan. ( laughter ) man, that bench is so lucky. sorry, sorry. the reason i'm telling you all of this, from 1999 to 2007, the speaker of the house was illinois representative dennis hastert. he was the longest serving republican speakener history, which is what makes this story even more damning. >> in may of last year, hastert was indicted on charges he withdrew $1.7 million between 2010 and 2014 in increments small enough to evade reporting. >> he started with $50,000 withdrawals, but when the bank asked questions, he dropped below the $10,000 threshold. >> trevor: man! these stupid bank laws! you can't even withdraw your own money the way you like? that's why i keep all my money in a mattress. ( laughter ) not memory foam, though. it knows too much. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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now, it might seem weird that a man of dennis hastert's station would risk jail time for breaking treasury laws. but he had under-- i think you might agree-- a perfectly good reason for needing that money. >> federal prosecutors say dennis hastert was paying hush money to a man who was 14 years old when hastert sexually abused him in a motel room decades ago. >> disturbing allegations involving former house speaker dennis hastert that he sexually abused several teenaged boys on the high school wrestling team he once coached. >> trevor: what? the ( bleep )? ( laughter ) a man who for six years was just one pret expel one faulty pacemaker removed from an oval office position is an alleged child molester? laugh i don't understand why this isn't everywhere. this is-- this is shocking. although, technically, we should and could have seen it coming because, let's be honest, whenever there's a news story that starts with the headline,
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"he was once a high school wrestling coach," the story never ends well. and this story is no exception. >> some of the incidents, the government says, were in the locker room at yorkville high school. one victim said hastert would sit in a recliepg chair with a view of the stall where's the boys showered. >> trevor: what was going on in that school? really, what was going on in that school? did no other adult think it was strange that the wrestling coach installed a recliner in the boys' shower? no one stopped to be like, "hey, what are you-- hmm-- what is going on?" this man was such a creep. i wouldn't be shocked if he didn't even want the chair. he just went on line and ordered a leghtder-covered laz-z-boy, and said i'll use this anyway. you're thinking great, they got him on the bank stuff and now they can go after him on the abuse allegations. we are both. >> wrong hastert was not charged with abuse.
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>> he won't be charged or face charges for the alleged molestation. the statute of limitations have passed. >> trevor: you would think something as awful as molesting children would have no statute of limitations. i understand why some people can't be tried for certain crimes after a certain amount of time has passed. but, come on, guys. this is child abuse. it's not snapchat. in hastert's case, under illinois state law, he could be charged for abuse only if his students had reported it within three years. within three years. it's unbelievable that this type of sex abuse has a statute of limbizations -- limitations, especially considering the crimes that don't. this is all true. if dennis hastert had double parked while he was molesting a kid, he could still be penalize forward double parking to this day. yeah. or if he was busy molesting students and he was so busy doing it he forgot to pay off his federal student alones he could still be penalize nard today. or even if dennis hastert had tried to fraudulently write off
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the lay-z-boy, he could still be charged with tax fraud today. removing statute of limitations on child abuse shouldn't abe controversial topic. who in god's name would even fight you on this? >> connecticut lawmakers want to get rid of the statute of limitations on child sex abuse cases. but they're running into some fervent opposition, and it's coming from the roman catholic church. trevor: the catholic church thinks we shouldn't punish them for crimes years ago and yet a woman ate an apexpel still being punished for it. there's one silver lining. >> hastert was instrumental, instrumental in passing the patriot act, and it was the
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provision of that act that actually tiented the restrictions on the cash withdrawals which, in the end, really helped the feds build the case against him. ( laughter ) >> trevor: thank god there's no statute of limitations on irony. irony. we'll be right back. t-mobile does data differently. while the other guys gouge you for every bit of data you use..., t-mobile lets you stream all the video and music that you want from your favorite services... free! without using one bit of your lte data. plus, you can roll your unused data forward. nobody does data like t-mobile. get four lines... ...with ten gigs of 4g lte data each ..for just thirty-five bucks per line... ...from t-mobile. why are you so tired?ts... ahh, the "after lunch food coma."
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♪ you'll just have to miss it! ♪ yeah, you'll just have to miss it! ♪ ♪ we can't let you download... uh, no thanks. i have x1 from xfinity so... don't fall for directv. xfinity lets you download your shows from anywhere. i used to like that song. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." thank you so much. thank you. we have some breaking news to report. donald trump is running for president. ( laughter ) and i don't know if you've heard, but he's made a few bold promises. >> we're going to knock out isis. we're going to knock them out. i know how to build. and that wall is going to be a real wall. we're going to repeal obamacare. we are are going to replace obamacare with something so much better, and there are so many examples of it. i'm really a good businessman. i'm so good at business. oevment! you people are going to be so
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rich so fast, you don't even... >> trevor: oh! look how much it's hurting. he's so good at business, he's getting a business migraine. "i'm so good at business." he's suffering for you, america. "i'm so good at business." for once, i will admit, that trump actually-- he does know what he's talking about you know. he says he wants to replace obamacare. well, guess what, he actually has health care experience and it comes from a business he ran called the trump network. >> i want you and your family to benefit from our breakthrough health products. we want to give people renewed hope and with an exciting plan to opt out of the recession. >> trevor: why are you always shouting? you're only two feet from the camera! we can hear you! you don't have to shout like that! we have microphones for a reason! the guy must be a nightmare. you can imagine pillow talk with
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donald trump? say something romaptic. you look so beautiful right now! and, also, selling health supplements. yeah, that sounds legitimate. who better to take health advice from than a man with this picture-perfect physique. the point is we can look at the trump network for an example of how donald trump runaise health care system. and, my friends, it's so simple. >> the concept wasn't really revolutionary. companies like mary kay have sold products through what is called multilevel markets for years. those at the top tend to receipt most benefits. one person recruits three friends who recruits three friends and on down the line. >> trevor: basically, you pay a large fee up front to join and you enlist their disprendz they enlist their friends and so on and so on. think of it as a pyramid-shaped opportunity. yeah, yeah. you might be wondering what sort of amazing health products was trump pushing thriewg this network? there was something for everyone, like braind of healthy
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kids' snacks called snazzy snaxx, with two "x"s so you know it's poison! snazzy snaxx! it sounds like a dog treat you buy for a dog that's also a stripper. like "she's working her way through obedience school. please welcome snazzle." the most interesting product, the most interest the product in the trump health care lineup was a line of vitamins that got weirdly personal. >> a key product was personalized vitamins, supposedly tailored to each customer after they sent their urine to a lab for analysis. ( laughter ) >> trevor: and here we are, my friends, the relationship we're doing this story. the trump network's flagship product was sending boxes of pee through the mail in exchange for vitamins. this is the same guy who thought it was disgusting to even think of hillary going to the bathroom. this is the same guy.
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now tition turns out that he was upset that she was wasting it. "no! " why would donald trump want everyone's pee? maybe it's human pee that gives his hair that perfect ammonia shine. ( laughter ) so what happened to the trump network here in america? well, it really through up before it actually blew up. >> a reported 20,000 independent sales representatives pawt the trump network products and tried to recruit others to sell them, too, but within two and a half years, the recession-proof business collapsed. >> trevor: wow, man. the pee-based vitamin supplement business can't survive the recession. what's america even for? >> trump declined our request for an interinterview. his attorney said he did not own the companies, or make the products and said trump never endorsed the merchandise despite this letter signed by trump saying, "i believe in the trump network products."
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>> trevor: no, no, don't you judge him, guys. his signature and endorsement doesn't count as an endorsement. we all know when trump endorses merchandise he puts a crown on his head and a sash around it. that's how he works. which i guess, which i guess leaves this one question-- if the business collapsed, what happened to all that pee? ( laughter ) oh, trump went through a lot of trouble to get all of that pee. he wouldn't just throw it away. he's a businessman. so where's the pee? is it hidden? is it-- oh, wait. what if it's been right in front of us the whole time. >> we're benefiting all these other countries. turned out i was right on every single subject. we need a change. we need a change fast. ( laughter ). >> trevor: republicans! ( cheers and applause ) it looks like for the second time in a row you're nominating goldwater! at least, at least we now know where all the pee went, because
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we always knew where the ( bleep ) was all along. we'll be right back. ♪ the nissan rogue with intuitive all-wheel drive. take on the unexpected.
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>> let's get the party started! ( laughter ) so you guys like impressions? okay, here's a classic. korean johnny carson. "is that a, uh, john wayne bobbitt, officer?" >> john wayne bobbitt, his wife chopped off his. >> that's funny. >> trevor: please welcome ken jeong! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: oh, "dr. ken." >> yes, sir, thank you for having me. it's an honor. >> trevor: thank you for being
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here. you are the guy. you are the comedy guy. does anyone take you seriously any more in life? >> no, now-- i'm glad i don't practice medicine anymore because i think they would imagine, like, you know, they don't want, like, a doctor jumping naked out of an exam room or something like that. >> trevor: i honestly would not trust-- a lot of people don't know this. you were a doctor. >> i was a general practitioner at an hmo in l.a. for seven years. i had a whole practice, a whole panel of patients. and my show "dr. ken" is loosely based on my life as a physician. it's kind of like what happened in prehanged over days. >> trevor: what fascinated me about your story, if your old patientpatientspatients who whor twice, and them one day were watching "the hangover" and are like wait a minute. >> i had patients come to the taping of the show and i department know it. i don't know if they were asking for advice-- but it was really
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surreal. it's great to connect with my old patients. i still keep in contact with some of them. >them. >> trevor: do they still ask you advice on piles and stuff. >> valium and vicodin? "yo, man, i'm so happy you did the 'hanged over'. you got some pain pills?" "yes, i do, phyllis." ( laughter ) >> trevor: were you a very bad doctor? >> i was shamed out of. i was taking my clothes off too much, workshopping mr. chow lines for the future. i always uponned to be an actor, even in college. i had done some theater at duke, where i went to undergrad. and i also wanted to-- i can some stand-up comedy while i was in med school so i always had this kind of performing itch to do. i just didn't know if i could do it for a living. actually, even during the time i was practicing as a doctor i did some stand-up comedy on the side
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which is why you saw some stand-up my character performed at a comedy club. stand-up was my hobby, comedy was my hobby, and it was a way for me to scratch that itch. i was practicing medicine full fledged. my wife say doctor and all my friend are doctors. >> trevor: do you still remember all your medicine? are you-- >> i am a bit behind, i think, in the most up-to-date treatments. it's so funniy on the show, we do try to true up some of the medical dialogue. i call my wife a lot from the writers' room and one of my best friend is a physician, a medical consultant on the show, so we try to-- we don't have to true up that much dialogue but we try to make things vaguely accurate. >> trevor: you're also one of the few, i would say, famous asian actors on tv. dowmp feel pressure in a world where people go there's not enough diversity or stuff? do you go, "i'm carrying the mantle here?" >> not for me. i'm very crowd to be korean
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american and it is cool that our show helps to normalize asian american families in contemporary society. but i wanted to do it from the standpoint of-- my wife is vietnamese and i'm korean. i just try to duplicate dialogue of how we talk at home, usually americanized. some of it is not. we've done some episodes that touch on culture. we had a thanksgiving episode where my wife is japanese on the show and i'm korean and we talk about culture clashes on thanksgiving and stuff like that. put we really cotry to do eye never try to write the show as it would be written by a white man. i didn't want to be the guy, "hey, honey, how was work?" "it's really tough being a korean american physician in the san vernando valley." >> trevor: i think that's amazing dialogue. >> "where's my gong?" so... >> trevor: i don't think you should throw those jokes away. >> that's a pretty good joke. >> trevor: that's actually a pretty good joke. you're writing on the show as well, you're executive producing and writing on the show. you're wearing membership, many
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hat. isn't that stressful? >> it's like what you and all the corresponds do. it's the first time i've done thengz behind the screep. where usually i was the spoiled actor and got paid a lot of money to read the lines. there's nothing more fulfilling than vague hand in what you're saying on screen and doing and this has definitely been the most fulfilling year of my career because i've learned so much at being a producer and getting better at that. i'm a student of the game. >> trevor: when upper a stand-up, what is the worst joke you told that you loved? >> in the season finale of next week where my character does stand-up, i use one joke, a horrible, horrible, asian joke i first wrote that-- actually, my first time diit i went on comedy central. and it was a horrible asian vterinarian joke. "you never see any asian veterinarians because they eat all their patients." >> trevor: not cool. >> it was not cool. it got me on comedy central and
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i threw that away. i said we have to do-- i said we must reconstruct and vilify this joke and so my character was trying to do stand-up for the first time. "i've never seen an asian vet." and the nurse is like, "that's horribly racist." and everybody is like, "that's not funny." and dave foley who plays my boss. basically, it's kind of anxieties a minority comedian does. you go for the easy asian jokes. >> trevor: exactly. >> and when i'm bombing on stage i start to go to that joke again because i kind of love that joke. "you never see asian vets," and it's no! >> trevor: "dr. ken" aired from night at 8:30 p.m. on abc. you better watch it. before earning enough cash back from bank of america to buy a new gym bag.
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( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you for tuning in. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> the trump network offers people the opportunity to achieve their american dreams. i'm still looking for dreams. i'm doing damn well in life, but i'm still looking for thefollows by the president of the united states. good evening, america. i speak to you tonight with vice president dick cheney at my side. it is nearly six months since i last addressed you from this room, and i know what many of you are thinking. yes, i do look a little different. you guessed it, botox. you're looking good, mr. president. thank you. now to the matter at hand. after months of discussion and careful deliberation, we feel we've made this administration's position on the need for regime change in iraq abundantly clear.


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