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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 22, 2017 1:25am-2:01am PDT

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his wedding day, he was like, "i do." his wedding night, he was like, "uh, i'm in." [laughter] what was your first dance, the macarena? [laughter] [mouthing words] old dumbass white boy. [laughter] doughnut! whoo! oh, shit, there's two old white people. - oh! - oh! - can somebody tell me what the "titanic" was like? [laughter] doughnut! doughnut. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much, everybody! my guest tonight is a supreme court correspondent for "slate," dahlia lithwick is here, and i'm really excited that she is because we're going to get her insight on america's possible new supreme court justice neil gorsuch! yay! but first, in america today, few people have more difficult job than press secretary and white house minion sean spicer. ( laughter ) his job is to communicate policy, serve as the administration's public face, and sometimes explain that just because somebody happens to be at their vacation home a lot doesn't mean that they are on vacation. >> in his first eight weeks in office president trump has made at least ten trips to the golf course. he regularly used to criticize president obama for spending time on the course. how is his golf game any
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different? >> well, i think two things. one, you saw him utilize this as an opportunity with prime minister ave to help foster deeper relationships in southeast asia. secondly, we went to -- down to -- he had a mini cabinet meeting the other day down -- or two weekends ago down at his club in virginia. how you use the game of golf is something that he's talked about. ( laughter ) >> trevor: am i the only one who noticed sean spicer looks like he needs to upgrade his operating system? ( laughter ) like, if you watch him closely, you can actually see the processor slowing down, um -- what we -- um -- uh -- shame, poor spice, he has too many lies going, he's starting to crash. he just wants to be invited to
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play golf. he's like, i defended you so well, can i join you for one game? trump's like -- ( immitating donald trump ) -- i told you to go to the arcade! i'll pick you up when it's dark out! ( laughter ) but i believe spicer, that trump is running his policy on the golf course partly because f.b.i. is investigating whether trump learned golf through the series "putting with putin." first you hack into your opponent's clubs. there is within obstacle spicer can never get over, his boss. >> if you're at the white house and have so much work to do, why do you leave so much? i won't be playing golf because i'm going to be working for you, i'm not going to have time to play golf. i love golf and i have some of the greatest golf courses in the world, i own doral, turnbury in
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scotland -- but if i were ever in the white house, i don't think i'd ever see turnbury or doral again. i just want to stay in the white house and work my ass off. >> trevor: that's right, hit it! work work work work work! ( laughter ) oh, you know what? to be honest with you, if president trump needs to play golf to chill and unwind, then let him, because if this is relaxed donald trump, goddam, i don't want to be around when he's stressed. let him play golf. we could spend the show talking about golf and u.s. presidents and how complaining about their time on the course is tradition. republicans complain about democrats playing golf, democrats complain about republicans playing golf. doesn't mean anything. there is no time to delve into half the stories. before you can digest one,
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there's five more, which is why we've decided to handle it in a new segment called "ain't nobody got time for that." ( cheers and applause ) right now, we don't have the time to talk about presidential golf because this, morning, we woke up to this -- >> this morning, u.s. officials taking the extraordinary step of banning electronics bigger than cell phones from the cabins of jet liners flying in from eight middle eastern countries, including several allies, egypt, saudi arabia, the gulf states. the u.s. ban prevents laptops, cameras, d.v.d. players and electronic games from entering the cabin. >> trevor: a laptop ban? i tell you right now, i the know who's behind this, it's that go go inflight bull (bleep), yeah, because they don't want us watching the movies we brought on and they want us to pay $39.99 for two hours of wi-fi that goes out right after the airplane takes off. we see you, go go!
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we see you! ates violation of our -- it's a violation of our basic human rights to take aa way things that didn't exist six years ago. by the way, if you thought you had problems with terrorism before, just wait until you see how parents react when they find out that they have to be on a long flight with their kids and can't use an ipad. i've never seen someone radicalized so fast! ( cheers and applause ) now, we could spend our time talking about what kind of threat there must be for governments around the world to suddenly bring us back to the '90s, but we don't have time for that, because, right now, the senate is holding hearings on supreme court nominee neil gorsuch and, wow, is this dude white. >> i'll never forget my first day on the job, carrying a pile of briefs up the steps to the bench, i tripped on the hem of my robe. one of the jurors came up afterwards and said to me, son, you're a young perry mason. whenever a lawyer just says i'm a lawyer from a small town,
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watch out. beating chickens phon the county fair. devising ways to keep our determined pet goat out of the garden. gosh -- gosh -- i mean, golly gosh goodness -- oh, goodness knows -- oh, my goodness. >> trevor: gosh, gosh, oh, golly darn, gosh -- wow, that guy's white. except pore the goat thing. even africans we relate to that. neil gorsuch, i agree with you, the pet goat is so, so difficult! i hear you, neil gorsuch! i hear you completely, neil gorsuch! ( applause ) now, the whole neil gorsuch nomination is a fascinating story because you have a judge who, on the surface, is more than qualified but, because of trump's taint -- can i say that by the way? the democrats want to block him, but they also want to kind of make out with him because good lord that guy is handsome. look at that face. i could spend all night looking
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at his face. but there is no time to look at his face because of this earthquake in the media business! >> conservative talk show host tommy lahren has been search rarely suspended from glen beck's the blaze network after airing pro-choice views last week. >> i am pro-choice. i i am someone who loves the constitution and for limited government. so i can't be a hypocrite and say i'm for limited government but i can't decide what women do with their bodies. >> trevor: she's talking so fast, how do you hear what she's saying? but jokes assayed, honestly, this is not cool. if you're a conservative network that preaches day in and day out, you politically correct snowflakes get offended too easily when anyone says something you disagree with. then tommy comes out and speaks her truth, says she's pro-choice and suddenly her bosses go, oh, you like choices? well how about you choose a new
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job? that's not cool. i was offended by the hypocris, so offended that i wanted to protest it. unfortunately, there is no type of black people protest that tommy is comfortable with. so -- ( cheers and applause ) -- i guess we should just move on. because you know what they say -- when god fires one white woman, he employs another. >> first daughter ivanka trump is getting her own office in the west wing of the white house. she's also getting security clearance to access classified information. ivanka trump is getting all this even though she's not an official government employee and will have no official title. an ethics advisor says ivanka will follow all ethics rules. >> trevor: it's official, people. the white house has lower standards of who they will bring in than nordstrom. ( applause ) and by the way, ivanka says
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she'll follow all the ethics rules. i feel like the first rule of ethics club is don't hire your daughter. the simplest and first rule. ( applause ) you know, this is one of those stories that goes so deep, nepotism, possible conflicts of incest, compromise of national security -- i mean, we should be digging into the details of a job with no title. what does that mean? but the truth, is we can't. because in the world we're living in right now, ain't nobody got time for that. unsurprisingly, we've still got time for ads. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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season one of... show me house of cards. xfinity watchathon week starts april 3. get unlimited access to all of netflix and more, free with xfinity on demand. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." you know, a lot of people complain that president trump doesn't do any work because he spends all his time on the golf course. but that's not true. he also spends time holding rallies. he had two just in the last week -- one in louisville last night and one in nashville last wednesday. as always, where there's a trump rally, there is jordan klepper. >> as "the daily show"'s only white guy, i have been sent into trump country to chronicle campaign rallies, the inauguration and victory tours. but now something different. >> the cam pan rally in nashville. >> paid for by his 2020 reelection commity. >> campaign rallies again. ♪
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>> this is still happening! why is this still happening? >> because donald trump's the man! >> running for president while he's president without doing presidential (bleep). >> don't say that. he's done a lot of presidential (bleep). >> i support him in 2020. >> feels like old times. feels like we're on the campaign trail, doesn't it? >> it does. why are we still on the campaign trail? reason one, making money that goes into the campaign. two, not a public event guaranteeing these are his people -- in other words, a classic trump rally full of mo song n.i.s.ic t-shirts, minorities getting the (bleep) kicked out and trump supporters like this reacting to minority protesters. >> we've named these guys the black cocker roach ninjas. >> you don't even try to hide the racism anymore. >> what? you're at a trump rally. >> i know it. but today's rally is about looking for the future. >> who will we lock up in 2020.
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>> anyone who runs against him. >> if cory booker decides to run against him? >> booker the crooker. >> based on anything. >> no. >> just (bleep). >> no, it is based on something, the democrats are crooks. >> who are we locking up in 2020. >> hopefully hillary. >> you're still on the hillary tip? >> yes. >> that's so 2016. donald trump doesn't even want to lock up hillary in 2 2017. >> you could start with obama. >> what for? >> sedition and treason. >> what did he do that was treason. >> the guns sold in fast and furious. >> you're thinking of tyrese, not obama. >> no. >> but 2020 is more than just locking up the opposition. >> we want to keep islam out of this country because it's evil. there's goals to come over here and make it like the middle east is what they're trying to do. >> that's happening? >> i got a cousin in must haveriesboro who's married to a muslim and i know what they do.
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>> murfreesboro is about as middle east as you can get. maybe i'm too hard on the people. maybe they have good ideas for the future. what are the issues for 2020? >> we need to focus on getting the homeless off the street and get them in housing. >> thank god. >> and michele, that's a man. >> what did you say? >> michele's a man. >> michelle obama is a man? >> yeah, a she-male. >> okay, what proof do you have? >> you see it all over the in the media, in pictures, even on the degenerate show. >> god, there's just so much to unpack right here. first of all, you watch ellen? >> no, no, i don't watch no lesbians. >> even this is a campaign rally, trump is also using it for an turn to to sell his healthcare plan. >> if trump gets this through, signs it, everybody will be happy. but it's like the obamacare, they shoved that down our throats. >> mm-hmm. >> nobody didn't get a chance to look that. >> anecdotal evidence? >> it was pushed too fast.
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it was less than a week, i can tell you that. >> that's not right but it feels that way. >> yeah. >> know so much about trumpcare. >> better than obamacare. >> trumpcare sounds better. >> literally sounds better? >> yeah, if it sounds better, it's better. >> the trump is the important part. >> as long as it's trump, you won't think how bad it is. >> there is a slogan for 2020, as long as it says trump, you won't be thinking about how bad it is. >> yeah. >> there you have it, america, your rallying cry for 2020. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: donald trump, everybody! we'll be right back!
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grace and frankie, hemlock grove. season one of... show me house of cards. xfinity watchathon week starts april 3. get unlimited access to all of netflix and more, free with xfinity on demand. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a supreme court correspondent for "slate." please welcome dahlia lithwick! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ great to have you back, dahlia. >> thank you for having me back. >> trevor: what a time to have you back. this is like your super bowl. >> except so depressing! it's like the world's saddest super bowl. >> trevor: so it's like your atlanta falcons supporting super bowl. >> yeah, it's like sitting in a room, trapped in a room with the oldest people in the world on the senate. somebody, i think jeff toobin tweeted the combined age of the first four questioners in the
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senate this morning was, like, 2,000 years old. really old! >> trevor: for those of you who don't know, you are really an expert who has dedicated your time to the supreme court. we haven't seen a more exciting time in the supreme court, and neil gorsuch has really upped the stakes because he is trump's pick. on the surface, he's qualified, yet the democrats don't know what to do. do they block him and lose? or do they not block him and lose? >> right. i mean, i think it's, like, do we get rolled today? or do we get rolled in a couple of years when get rolled again when justice kennedy or ginsburg steps down, or do we get rolled both times? there is this tension about, is this the hill we want to die on, filibuster, cloture, words i don't understand, three-dimensional chess, and as you probably noticed he is sailing through. >> trevor: he's having a great time. i wondered when watching today,
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do the questions actually matter and does the hearing actually matter? is there ever a senator who goes, you just changed my mind? >> lindsey graham is a force of nature and he likes to talk about how he one time voted for sonia sotomayor even though he's a republican and everybody should be like him. so that's generally his posture is everybody here is terrible, i am outstanding because, one time, i voted for sotomayor, he calls her. >> trevor: that's the line he keeps going back to. doesn't seem like a lot of people will change their minds. gorsuch is sailing through, does that mean he doesn't have skeletons or he knows what he's talking about? >> one of my favorite moments is chuck grassley the chairman to have the jiewrkd committee from the republican side, said i don't want you to talk about you've ever decided or you will
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decide, anything that's political or not political, don't let them drag you into talking atn't your record or other people's records. don't talk about anything because they're going to try to trick you! and then neil gorsuch has absolutely followed those instructions. so what he talks about, you know, when they ask him a question about precedent, can't describe it, when they say is roe binding precedent on the court, he says it was decided one time. you know, i think he's really just saying over and over, and they say to him, it's so funny, you've written articles about this, a whole book about this issue -- you know, he's done a lot of sort of extracurricular chitchat about those things and he can't talk about those either. >> trevor: merrick garland was meant to be in that seat. merrick garland was someone who was picked by a president. he's a judge that was picked by a president who had every right to pick him. republicans came out and said, we can't pick him because obama is a lame duck, which was insane. but gorsuch taking this job,
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what does that mean for the supreme court as an institution going forward? >> well, i want to just start by telling you that senator al franken directly asked him what he thinks about the politicization of garland and whether he thinks garland is mistreated and it wouldn't surprise you at all to hear gorsuch couldn't talk about that. ( laughter ) we don't know what he thinks. we know that this is unperes centd. we've had a vacancy more than a year. justice scalia died february, and obama tapped someone to replace him. the republicans on the senate said no hearing, no vote, not even courtesy hearing with merrick garland because president obama doesn't get to pick someone in his third year by some metric that we still don't know what that rule is but it's like a thing now. >> trevor: yeah. >> so that became the rule. and when there were only eight people on the court which there have now been for a year and
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things get deadlocked and we have 4-4 ties and the court refuses to take interesting cases because they can't decide things, it's really pampering the work of the court and politicizing the court. yesterday, republicans on the judiciary committee having blocked merrick garland for a year turned around and we're, like, we've got to hurry this thing up. it's unseemly that the court is not being treated as a judicial enterprise, it has its integrity and we have to revere that and depoliticize this right now! it was really crazy because just the complete -- you know, they've completely changed the rules and, now that it's their turn to have their guy up, they're, like, we should really go to told rules where people get fast and respectful hearings. >> trevor: can i ask you a question? you are in the room when this is happening. how are you quiet? ( laughter ) do you not at any point want to be like, bull (bleep)! bull (bleep)!
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( cheers and applause ) you're a professional, i'm going to give you that. we're loving your writing and following everything you're talking about. thank you so much for joining us on the show. good luck with gorsuch and i'm glad you can talk about it. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: thank you so much for being here, again. dahlia lithwick, everybody. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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whenever you think something is zenworthy, let us know on twitter with the #daily show zen. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> let us, you have them like. >> no, i don't like that. >> okay. let me see. >> how far do you think you could run. >> i'll go for it. >> ready? >captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight. it just feels like midnight because of the humidity. so when you glance at today's headlines, it would be easy to think that we're living in an


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