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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  April 12, 2017 1:40am-2:11am PDT

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[beeping] yes, good, kenny. the angel spearmen are taking out their demon soul rippers. oh, the calvary angels are clashing with their black knights. - oh, my god. my god, this battle is epic. oh, they're bringing in their demon dragons. look at the size of them. my god, this is even bigger than the final battle in the lord of the rings movie. it's like--it's like 10 times better than that battle. - no, no! how are we losing? - the child's soul is in heaven. god has his secret weapon. - full retreat. - patience, my lord. - no, kevin, that's it, i'm breaking up with you. - yes, yes, kenny. satan's forces are retreating. this is truly a sight to behold. oh, i wish i had a camcorder. we have done it. we have defeated the armies of satan!
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[halfhearted cheering] - kenny, bless your soul. you've saved all of heaven. - yes, kenny. and to thank you for what you've done, we are going to do give you a very special gift. for saving the entire universe from the forces of evil, we give you this... keanu reeves statue. congratulations. [smattering of applause] captioning by captionmax [dramatic, percussive music]
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- from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york... "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... [dramatic musical flourish] ♪ - hey, everybody, welcome to "the daily show." now, we're officially off tv this week, but we're still on tv, and so what we're gonna do is celebrate all of our correspondents. joining me tonight to kick off his very own special is our senior technology correspondent, ronny chieng. - thanks, trevor. - how did you get the name technology correspond--i don't even know how that happened. - i don't know, i thought the correspondent thing was like a joke, and suddenly senior technology correspondent stuck, and so now i guess i can only do tech news. - is that like an asian thing that we made a mistake on? - i think so, yeah. i think there was, like, tinges of racism in there but, hey, i'll take anything i can get. [both laughing] you're like... [upbeat music] - let's move on to the world of news media. we're now joined by senior media correspondent ronny chieng, everybody. [cheers and applause] - [mouthing] thank you. thank you. hey, trevor, i'm not sure if you're familiar with
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the internet or tv, but if you are, you've probably seen this [bleep] that happened a few days ago on fox news. - in the first presidential debate, china was mentioned 12 times. so we sent watters down to new york's chinatown to sample political opinion. - okay, first of all, let me get this straight. they say china in the debate, so you go to chinatown? in new york? so when they mention mexico, do you send someone to taco bell? chinatown is nothing like china. they got nothing to do with each other. that's like if they brought up women's rights, so i decide to go over to fox news to get some opinions! now, as dumb as that premise is, it is nothing compared to the idiocy that followed. and by the way, we haven't added anything to this. this is the original footage from fox news. [clichéd trilling "eastern" music] [boom] [pop music] - am i supposed to bow to say hello? - [speaking foreign language] [giggles]
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- i like these watches. are they hot? - jcpenney. $3.98. [laughing] - who you gonna vote for? clinton's wife has a name--what is it? - oh, man. - [laughs] - i forget it. - well, snap out of it! - do you know karate? - yeah, i know. - hit my hand. huh-huh-huh! huh-hah-hah-- [screaming] [moans] ah...that's the spot. is it the year of the dragon? [upbeat music] rabbit? - no, it's actually the year of go [bleep] yourself! [cheers and applause] what the hell was that? how was that on the news? in fact, how was that even on tv? where the [bleep] did this come from? i mean, everyone's been wondering who'd be the target of 2016's worst racism. i didn't even know asians were in the running! oh, and by the way, if you're gonna be racist, at least get your stereotypes right, you ignorant sack of [bleep].
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karate isn't chinese. it's japanese! and you're doing it in a tae kwon do studio, which is korean, you [bleep] jack-off! jack on, jack-off, jack on, jack-off! [cheers and applause] [bleep] this guy! and seriously, mr. miyagi? update your reference material! that's like me making fun of americans for "saturday night fever" and mr. t. yeah, real topical stuff, buddy. if you wanna come at chinese people, make fun of china's high pollution or the fact that they censor most of the internet, which, in this case, might actually be a good thing, since no person in china will ever have to watch your garbage attempt at comedy. - donald trump beating up on china at the debate. - [chuckles] [crickets chirping] - trump has been beating up on china. how does that make you feel? [upbeat music] - speak! speak! why don't you speak? - hey, asshole, they don't speak english. that's why they're silent. it's easy to make fun of someone when they can't respond.
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here--i'll show you. hey, douche bag. why do you look like a guy who carries around a pack of roofies just in case? [laughter] and why do you look like you have hookers on speed dial? oh, and follow-up question: is it hard to fit bill o'reilly's entire scrotum in your mouth? audience: oh! [crickets chirping] this might come as a surprise, but chinese-americans do actually have genuine thoughts on this year's election. that's why i went to chinatown to speak to people in a language they understood: human. [dramatic music] [speaking foreign language]
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[laughter] - wait. you understand american politics enough to lodge a protest vote? - definitely. - i'm from queens. - what are your thoughts on the jesse watters video on fox news? - the chicken[bleep] reporter who came down here and thought he was being [bleep] because he talked to people who couldn't speak english? - yeah, that douche bag piece of [bleep]. - the one who was sent here by the larger chicken[bleep] who couldn't come to chinatown because he was afraid to do it himself? you mean that one? - yeah. that guy. - the one with no testicles? the one who came down here who said let me talk to some old people... - totally. - and let me put them on camera without asking them... - yeah. - and sort of put them on national television and made fun of them in the worst possible way? that asshole? - yeah. i think we're talking about the same guy. - right, right, right. what was the question again? - i can't remember. [cheers and applause] - thank you very much.
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[rhythmic instrumentals] - for thousands of years, jews, christians, and muslims having been fighting about whose old book is right about god stuff. they're like the jersey housewives of the middle east. and now, 1,400 years of religious warfare is coming to america. - a trinity of faiths, blending friendship between christians, jews, and muslims. - the tri-faith initiative in omaha, nebraska is opening a synagogue, a church, and a mosque in the same location. [dramatic musical sting] [rumbling] i sat down with the rabbi, the reverend, and the muslim guy in charge to find out what the hell they were thinkin'. - we fundamentally think that peace is possible, and we feel that this can be also a model for others. - don't you think it's pretty arrogant to fly in the face of 1,400 years of hating each other? - religions do not teach us to hate. they just teach us to love. - does that make you want to kill him? - actually, hug him. - listen to these guys. they were one step away from jihading a crusade all over each other.
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doesn't anyone in omaha see how dangerous this is? - innocent people will die. - thank you! this is mark christian. he's president of the global faith institute. he used to be a muslim, and you'll never guess what religion mark christian converted to. - i was a sunni muslim, and now i'm a follower of christ. i'm a kind of a two-faith kind of person. - you're two-faced. yep. - uh, not two-faced. two faith. - right. you got two different personalities-- - faith. not face. - two faces. - two faith. - after another half hour of pronunciation lessons, we finally got down to the really scary [bleep]. - muslims and christians and jews do not agree on their ideology whatsoever. those radical muslims and jihadists will find many reasons to go and kill innocent people in the tri-faith initiative. - see? terrorists hate cooperation. when isis hears about this, they're gonna drop everything and head straight for omaha. if they can find it. - guys, look, i know this seems like a good idea.
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it's like a kfc mixed with a taco bell and a pizza hut-- fantastic on paper, but it's gonna end up slowly killing all of us. - there are three of us, and the face we represent are kinda like three guys who have fallen in love with the same woman. but this woman's love is so much greater and vaster than our own that she can have an integral relationship with each one of us-- - right. foursome. got it. - and-- - and there's a lot of fun... to be had having a foursome. - there's a lot of fun that has-- that takes place when three great faiths come together and acknowledge they worship the same god. - come together. yeah. audience: oh! - he's gonna be pretty pissed when he realizes why we just high-fived. so these are all just super-progressive, fun-loving dudes who wanna party down with the weird ghost thing they all believe in. but think of the practicality. it's like a religious turducken. how is this even gonna work? how are you gonna fit a church into a mosque into a synagogue?
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- they have three separate buildings and then another fourth building where they gonna have the easter egg hunt and all kind of kumbaya that they usually do. - so the buildings are gonna be separate? - each of the faith communities are existing in separate facilities. - this is not the taco and the donut shop that you created before. - so what's the big deal? - globally, two out of three muslims wants to overthrow the government and apply sharia law and live under the leadership of islamic state. [dramatic music] - i knew it! i had to warn them about their scary muslim guy. i'm sorry, could you just cover your ears for just one second? thank you. listen, guys, two out of every three muslim wants to impose sharia law on the entire world. - well, that's ridiculous, first of all, and second of all, fundamentalists of all stripes want to impose their views on the whole world. - who told you, uh... this lie? - i'm sorry, can i just stop you guys-- listen, sir, you're being really aggressive right now, and i just need you to take it down a few notches.
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- okay. as many notches as you'd like. - these guys talk a big game about tolerance, but what happens if mark christian is right? what if they do get attacked? - we will stand together and defend ourselves and support each other. - with your guns and bombs. - we don't need any guns. we have ideas. - i'm not gonna lie-- you're scaring the [bleep] out of me right now. - i don't mean to. - they just wouldn't give up. there was only one thing that could take down the tri-faith initiative-- [dramatic musical sting] every relationship i've ever had has been destroyed by trying to decide what the hell to watch on netflix. - "mad men." - "big night." - "homeland." - as i expected, they were falling apart. - i used to like "girls," and then i gave up on hbo. - there was no way they could-- - "portlandia"? - okay. - yeah. - [bleep]. that was way easier than i thought. i guess if a jew, a christian, and a muslim can walk into a bar and it's not a joke and they don't kill each other, maybe there is hope for peace in the middle east
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of america. [uplifting music] [cheers and applause] - ronny chieng, everybody. we'll be right back. [hip-hop music] we'll be right back. ♪ twenty years from now... will be more disappointed... the things you didn't do... ...than by the ones you did do. [beep, beep, beep, beep] [tires screech] wooo! so throw off the bowlines. ♪ sail away from the safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails. explore. dream. discover. corolla with toyota safety sense standard. toyota. let's go places.
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you want to be the next big thing. the next lebron. but the truth is,... we don't need more lebrons. we don't need more adrianas. we don't need more drews. ♪ we need more of me. (announcer) we need more kids to see the world of possibilities. that's why verizon is giving free tech, free access, and hands-on learning to students in need. join us at [upbeat music] ♪ - this is my first american election, and come january, there might be a 50-foot gold trump sign on top of the white house. as a non-white immigrant, can anyone give me one reason
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why i shouldn't get the [bleep] outta here? how 'bout this guy, professor peter navarro, one of trump's new economic advisers. what's he got for me? - the biggest issue in this campaign is the economy. i believe donald trump will be great for the economy. not just good--great. - i mean, you are an old white guy wearing a suit, so i guess it fits the demographic. - uh, you're-- let me guess. 29. - i thought you were gonna say filipino, but close. - you're young, well-dressed. - smart. - if the major problem facing your country is the economy, who else would you want besides a business person and an entrepreneur? - oh, right--who cares about trump's crazy racist crap? in america, it's all about the bottom line. trump will be great for the economy. - we need... a leader...that wrote "the art of the deal." - the guy who wrote "the art of the deal"? you mean tony schwartz? oh, no--the other guy. so trump, the billionaire business boss,
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is ready to fix the economy for everyone... like, for example, the 1,400 carrier workers who will be laid off next year when the plant moves to mexico. after a video of them losing their jobs went viral, trump became obsessed with helping them. - i'm the one that brings up carrier all the time. carrier's my baby. carrier people... i fell in love with them. they fell in love with me. - i sat down with some of these carrier workers, aka trump's new baes, to find out how their relationship is going. so you guys must love donald trump. - hell, no! [laughter] [cheers and applause] - we don't endorse him. we want someone who's gonna be tough on china, but, you know, this guy's known for using his own clothing line that's made in china. - there's thousands and thousands of stories. he has people do work for him, and then he don't pay 'em, and then he lawyers 'em out of business. - he's a smart businessman. - he's a crook. - yeah, but what does this guy know about big business? he's literally wearing a blue collar. sure, they're right about trump making stuff overseas and not paying vendors, but that doesn't mean he can't also help american workers. - he'll be tough with china.
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- let's role play here. you be donald trump. i'll be china. i need you to be tough on me. - the american people need to have-- - [speaking foreign language] - can i have my own translator? - see, this-- - i get it, but, i mean, it just doesn't work for me. - yeah. and then trade will? the negotiation with the chinese did not go well. look, the carrier workers just don't get it. so trump is facing a few pesky lawsuits-- don't these basic bitches know that in america you can't make a business omelet without breaking a few dozen eggs. donald trump has, like... i think 35 lawsuits against him? - people will cherry-pick whatever they want. - sorry, not 35. 3,500...lawsuits. - but at the end of the day, he's a very successful billionaire who's shown himself to be very entrepreneurial and very successful. - because when you're a billionaire, you can do whatever the [bleep] you want.
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you don't have to listen to what anyone else says. you can just get [bleep] done. - well put, ronny. - yeah! turns out, the key to helping american workers is by making as much money as you can off them. and if you still have any doubts about trump, just listen to the guy who really wrote "the art of the deal"-- tony schwartz on donald trump. - he has the attention span and the knowledge base of a nine-year-old with adhd, and i'm not saying that to be funny. - ha ha! good one, tony. trump twins, extend! [uplifting music] [percussive music] - next week, billions of people will celebrate the chinese lunar new year. but this week, in the nba, one of the holiday celebrations did not go as planned. - the sacramento kings, on monday, the team canceled a planned lunar new year promotional giveaway celebrating this, the year of the monkey. - the monkey shirts were part of the nba's recognition of the chinese new year. - this decision was made after demarcus cousins raised some concerns-- - cousins apparently said, "it's insensitive
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"to give out those shirts on the same day as the start of black history month." audience: oh! [scattered laughs] - for more on the story, we turn to senior basketball correspondent ronny chieng, everybody. [cheers and applause] - thanks. thank you. thank you, trevor. thank you. - so ronny, i guess, uh, the big question-- was it okay for the sacramento kings to hand out year of the monkey t-shirts on the first day of black history month? - look, trevor, i understand how hundreds of years of institutionalized racism might make black people a little sensitive to this kind of thing, right? but obviously, this was just an unfortunate coincidence, okay? chinese people have no beef with black people, right? look, i know black history month is really important to you guys, but we started naming years after animals like 5,000 years ago, right? it's a set pattern, okay? every year is a different animal. like i'm an ox, you're an ugly rat, the cameraman's a fat pig, okay? we can't change that. [laughter] okay? it's just science.
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like, do you really think back in ancient china when they were, like, drawing up the lunar calendar, some old chinese guy with a long, white beard was like, "ah! ha ha ha! ah, ha ha ha, ah! "you know what-a would be-a funny-a? "if-a someday there was a sports league of mostly black-a people and we-a gave out monkey t-shirts-a!" no! that never happened! and by the way, not every chinese person talks like that, okay? that's racist. - well... [laughter] yeah, but you were the one doing the acce-- - no, think about it, trevor. who was actually offended by this? like one guy. one guy--demarcus cousins. we're really gonna listen to demarcus cousins? really? that's the guy? that's the guy. this guy--he's been a leader in technical fouls for, like, five seasons in a row now. [laughter] yeah. he's the biggest crybaby in the nba! "oh! that guy fouled me! i hate my coach! that t-shirt hurts my feelings!" blah, blah, blah! you know what should hurt your feelings, demarcus?
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your team being in tenth place in their conference, all right? now, look, if steph curry complains about a monkey t-shirt, look, that's a conversation, right? - wow. wow, ronny, um... - all i'm saying is black people, listen. we're all on the same team here, okay? we're not your enemy. we've already proved we can work well together... in "rush hour", remember? yeah, that's right! [cheers and applause] yeah! chris tucker and jackie chan kicked ass, conformed to racial stereotypes, and respected each other's holidays. - ronny, don't you ever touch a black man's holiday! - trevor, we're not trying to touch your holiday, okay? do you understand the words... that are coming... out of my mouth? - oh, nice, nice. that's "rush hour." that's--we did-- it was "rush hour." - oh, yeah, that's right, it is from "rush hour." i didn't even realize. see? it's bringing us together already. that's right. - it really is. that feels good. thank you so much. ronny chieng, everyone. we'll be right back! [hip-hop music]
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[upbeat music] ♪ [intense percussive music] ♪ - got a lotta stupid tech bull[bleep] to show you today, so let's get into it. everyone's been talking about virtual reality, augmented reality, and whatever hellish reality we're stuck in now. so you've probably already seen the season's biggest seller, robotic protest arms... [laughter] for millennials who want to participate in democracy but don't wanna look up from their phone. but by far the biggest tech trend this year is connecting as much stupid garbage as you can to the internet. - from smart fridges to drones, artificial intelligence has been added to everything. - companies trying to make brushing teeth


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