tv The Daily Show Comedy Central April 26, 2017 1:40am-2:11am PDT
everyone, let's give casey and his weed a big hand. okay, kyle, we're ready to see your science project. well, our pig hasn't given birth yet, but she should any time now. oh, well, then i guess you get an "f". okay, terrance, i know the class can hardly wait to seeyour science fair project. thank you, mr. garrison. boys, mr. garrison, fellow students, for our science fair project, bill fossey and i have spawned a creature genetically far superior to man. i present to you... the five-assed monkey. oh, mr. hat, isn't it beautiful ? wait, wait, the pig just gave birth ! it had a baby ! ( kid ) what's it look like ? does it look like a pig, or an elephant ? hey, it kinda looks like mr. garrison. oh, gee, isn't that an amazing coincidence ? what are the odds ofthat? hmm...
you boys get first prize. that'll do, pig. captions copyright 1998 comedy central a division of time warner entertainment company, l.p. captioned at hbo communications center >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪
>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! thank you so much for tuning in! we have a great guest tonight, charlamagne tha god is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) it's going to be a really interesting interview. but first, barack is back. >> former president obama returned to the public spotlight for the first time since leaving the white house. he spoke to about 500 people yesterday at a forum for students in "chicago." >> so, uh... what's -- what's been going on while i have been gone? ( laughter ) >> trevor: really, obama? you're coming back with jokes now? so, uh... what's been going on? i tell you what's been going on, we have been stuck with a putin-loving, bronder bronzer-cd
con man in chief, and you're here with jokes? you're like, we've got to fight together! then you're out there kite suffer. oh, i'm fighting the waves! if you saw the uncropped picture of him on stage, the other part of him is on the island chilling. i think obama stopped paying attention. these days you can get elected no matter what terrible things are in your past. this is a big week for donald trump's presidency. not only looming showdown, but he's also coming up on his first 100 days in office, yes, and his first 1800 holes played. but shutdown or not, trump is desperate to deliver on at least one of his campaign promises. >> the federal government could come to a grinding halt by friday without a new spending bill to fund it. passage may hinge on whether
mr. trump insists on his long-promised border wall. >> the wall is going to stop drugs and stop a lot of people from coming in that shouldn't be here and it's going to be a huge iivelgt on human trafficking, a problem that's probably worse than anytime in the history of the world. >> trevor: yes, human trafficking is now worse than anytime in the history of this world. yeah, you know who told him that? his good friend frederic douglas. ( laughter ) you know, i don't know why trump and his people don't just lose the whole wall idea because, like, first, they were going to shut down the government for punned ifing. as of last night they said maybe we'll wait until september. now people are saying it might not be a wall. this is all real -- they say it could be a fence or it could even be a blimp, which with i don't understand. a mexican is going to stand at the border and say, don't cross! just look at it, man!
wow! pretty soon it will just be a ditch, then just stern words -- no crossing! no crossing! no, no! no crossing! bad mexican! no! just admit the whole thing is ridiculous and move on. at the end of 100 tas, the president should be talking about his legislation and not his stupid wall. >> trump: excuse me. excuse me. >> trevor: mr. president, everybody! ( applause ) ( booing ) >> trevor: take a seat. try to be nice guys, welcome. welcome to the show, mr. president. >> trump: don't try to be nice. i never watch your show, but i've seen all the episodes, and you've seen some very not nice things about me. >> trevor: i haven't said not nice things about you, mr. president. most of the times, i just repeat your words, man. >> trump: not true, travis. you're really nasty to me. totally unfair. i'm one to have the best guys. i'm nicely on top of bigly in an angel food cake, but this is a
show, travis. this isn't just a show, this is fake news. fake news. >> trevor: that's the point, we're a comedy show, mr. president. >> do you see that, folks? do you see this? he admitted it. i broke him like mitt romney. i broke him like a dog. like a dog. like a dog. like -- a dog. ( laughter ) and that's why i'm here. i want to push back on the lies and the slander, okay? there is a beautiful word, it's called counterpoint. it's unbelievable, and i'm going to make a counterpoint right there! ( laughter ) >> trevor: i don't think that's how it works. it's not about a counter -- anyway, all right. mr. president, if you want to have a discussion, i do have a question for you. the other day you tweeted, eventually but at a later date so we can get started early, mexico will be paying, in some form, for the badly-needed border wall. everyone wants to know what did you mean by "in some form"?
>> trump: totally and completely easy. it's not complicated at all. this is easy stuff, folks. totally easy. we can tax them. they don't have to pay with money. we can tax them. we can take the -- do you love the little coca-cola las, mexican cokes with the sugar in them? mexico's beating us, they've got the sugar in the coke. they've got the sugar in the coke. we can do it. little adobe huts. i don't know, we'll figure something out, okay? they're killing us. >> trevor: mr. president, i really hate to push you on this, but it doesn't seem like mexico's ever going to pay for the wall. >> trump: well, then you know what we need to do? i'm going to tell you what we need to do -- and this is incredible -- we're going to bring millions upon millions of mexicans into the united states and let them -- let them -- do the low-paying jobs americans won't do, and then we're going to save so much money, and we're going to save so much money, and we can use that to pay for the wall! who's gonna pay for the wall?
who's gonna pay for the wall? >> mexico is. >> trump: there you go. they know. >> trevor: i don't think they know. i think they're just parroting what you say. mr. president, you know what, thank you for being here but i have to carry on plus i'm sure you're very busy as well. >> trump: no, i've got nothing to do. i was going to sleep under the desk. >> trevor: all right, i'm just going to get back to this. sorry. anyway, without funding for the wall, the president is still scrambling for a -- >> trump: no scramble. no scramble. you're the scrambled eggs with bacon on the side! >> trevor: which is why now, today, the president unveiled a brand-new goal. >> the president promising a massive tax cut and trying to deliver on another campaign pledge, slashing the corporate tax rate from 35 to 15%. >> trump: isn't that gene just, trevor? my god, i have pillows with a hiring thread count. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i'm sorry, how -- do you know what, mr. president -- >> trump: let me in!
let me in. i'm like a vampire. you have to invite me into the desk. >> trevor: that's not what we heard. anyway, i don't understand this, mr. president. how does lowering a corporate tax help anyone except the corporations? >> all right, okay. think of corporations as people. >> trevor: which they're not. >> trump: and the government as waiter. >> trevor: which it's not. >> trump: we're tipping 35%. we should be tipping 15%, and even that is generous when you consider tax. >> trevor: i've heard you don't tip at all. >> trump: see, there you go, fake news. i tip all the time, everybody. i tip everywhere. sometimes i don't even leave money for the bill, i just leave the tip. just the tip. just the tip. and i leave it peeking out. the tip just peeking out from underneath. and i'll put the tip everywhere. we know china is underneath. china is underneath the world.
tip and china and we know how that works out. >> trevor: well, i hate to say this, mr. president, but we've run out of time. so -- >> trump: okay, i don't need your time. all right? i have my own show and it's a huge hit. tremendous ratings, and it starts this thursday right here on the failing comedy central. travis, you've made a terrible mess here, and i alone can fix it. we're gonna make comedy central great again. >> trevor: the president of the nairkts everyone! watch the president's show this thursday 11:30 after our show. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) red line, 20 minute delay. oh, no. (rhythmic clatter) can't get a signal? so annoying, right? yeah, and i'm late for a job interview. hey, man, can you just nix it, just for like two seconds? thank you. you need verizon. they have the largest, most reliable 4g lte network in america.
it's made to work in places like this. with verizon unlimited, we could video chat the interview in hd right here. okay. hey, man, i'll cue you. (vo) when it really, really matters, you need the best network and the best unlimited. just $45 per line for four lines. i'm a people person. (drumming resumes) [♪ always fun ls] ♪ get down ♪ fun up ♪ feel good
boom. with the smooth finish! when you got flow, you know. new gatorade flow, all the flavor with a new smooth finish. (that's my son.? this is rosenberg. i'm topher brophy. we get easily confused because there's a resemblance people say. he loves taking pictures. and on the camera on the galaxy s8... it's amazing. and with sprint's unlimited plan we can post whenever we want. which works for me. does the plan work for you? he says it works for him. (vo) lease two samsung galaxy s8s for the price of one. and with galaxy forever, you can upgrade to the latest galaxy every year. plus get unlimited $30 per month per line for four lines. for people with hearing loss, and now, the fifth line is free. visit sprintrelay.com.
( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to the "the daily show." tonight, we continue our week-long look at the great state of alabama, a project that started a little while back when we read that alabama was the place in america where our show but the least popular. yes. like the only way they could like the show less is if i also played quarterback for l.s.u. ( laughter ) but since we realized redidn't know much about the state, we sent our correspondents to see for themselves and tonight's report comes from hasan minhaj, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you, trevor. you know, why don't people in alabama like "the daily show" more? maybe they feel the issues that matter to delicate coastal liberals like me -- like climate
change -- aren't the issues they care about. i went looking for what does matter to alabama and learned alabama has the most overcrowded prison systems in america. trevor, if we're talking alabama, we need to be talking prison reform. ♪ ♪ ( country music playing ) >> so why did "the daily show" send its only muslim cosht to the swamps of alabama? well, i'm here to cover the state's biggest challenge, i'm not talking about the horny governor who resigned, i'm here to cover the state's actual biggest problem, fixing its broken prisons. if the hoa is going to be a hit in alabama, we need to cover the issues they care about. everyone here from the state house to main street is concerned about prisons. >> our prisons are so overcrowded -- >> one of the main issues has been prison reform. >> dangerous to both inmates and our corrections officers. >> human safety and security and human health is at stake. >> i headed to elmore
correctional to see alabama prisons firsthand. although the guard said i couldn't film inside, i decided to confront them like a man. hold on. can we stop? dude, i'm not getting tased for this field piece. i'll with be honest with you. i'm not going to be tased or shot or (bleep) whipped by that guy up there in his golden gun sniper station. yeah, that guy, focus on limit. i'll let southern law president richard cohen describe the conditions on tin side instead. >> the conditions are barbaric, sometimes like lord of the flies. >> do you think i would be a piggy? >> i don't know you well enough to say that but i think you would live in a little fear. in 1980 there were only 7,000 prisoners in alabama. today there are four times that number. we measure how a society is doing but how it treats its prisoners and by that measure we're doing pretty poorly unfortunately in alabama. >> do you think if i went in
there i would come out a muslim? >> you're already muslim, how could you come out if you're already one. >> double down. you know what i mean? they have orthodox. they advocate for reform but change requires political solution, not so easy when just about every politician looks like this. that's right, republican. tiny attorney general jeff sessions republican, republicans who historically only felt one way about crime. >> all the candidates are talking about crime in alabama. >> thugs, criminals. >> lock 'em up. >> fighting crime. >> criminals on the run. >> they should go
to jail for life. >> nowadays state senator cam ward is redefining republican justice. >> i champion sentence reform and prison reform in this state. >> this republican wants to eliminate mandatory minimum and increase leniency for nonviolent and let them watch "the daily show." >> no, i don't think that's going to going the happen. >> cam sees inmates as humans. >> any correction institute in
the country, 50% of the population has a mental health diagnosis we need to help them with. >> when did you catch feels like this? did you listen to drake and think we need to talk mental health? >> not really. if you can get them help as opposed to commit a crime, probably a smarter way to do it. >> what is it like to be a closet democrat. >> i'm a different kind of republican. >> it's 2017 cam. i heard macklemore is working on a song about this. when i was eight years old, i thought i was a democrat, yeah? >> yeah. >> i couldn't believe
it, this crazy white dude was down with the cops. >> i'm a white dews dude, but i'm crazy. >> maybe he could give eme dirt on sessions. i'm going to ask, does jeff sessions have a giant magical cookie workshop with a chocolate founden? >> i have my doubts he does. you've so ask him. >> does he ride a grass hop tore work each morning. >> don't know, you have to ask
him. >> does he sleep in a sea shell or just a matchbox? >> you're going to have to ask him that as well, too, i don't get into his personal life. >> cam wasn't snitching but on the plus side at least two people in alabama are fighting for prison reform combined with the fact they happily sell guns to muslims with zero training, this state is making serious progress. keep this up, i might just have to make alabama my home sweet home. of course, i'll probably have to change my look. roll tide! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: hasan minhaj, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )
tired of paying hundreds more a year in taxes and fees on your wireless bill? only t-mobile one gives you unlimited data with taxes and fees included. that'll save you hundreds. get two lines of unlimited data for a hundred dollars. that's right. two lines. a hundred bucks. all in. and now, the brand new samsung galaxy s8 is here.
people spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. gentle, non-habit forming advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. yeah, i just saved a whole lot of money by swhuh.ing to geico. we should take a closer look at geico... you know, geico insures way more than cars. boats, motorcycles... even rvs! geico insures rvs? what's an rv? uh, the thing we've been stuck on for five years! wait, i'm not a real moose?? we've been over this, jeff... we're stickers!
i'm not a real moose? give him some space. deep breaths, jeff. what's a sticker?!? take a closer look at geico. great savings. and a whole lot more. ♪ ♪i'ma wade, i'ma wave through the waters♪ ♪tell the tide, "don't move" ♪freedom! freedom! i can't move ♪freedom, cut me loose! ♪freedom! freedom! where are you?♪ ♪cause i need freedom too! ♪freedom! freedom! freedom! freedom!♪ ♪what you want from me? ♪is it truth you seek? oh father can you hear meee...ooow?♪ >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight co-host of "the breakfast club" on iheart radio, and whose new book is called "black privilege: opportunity comes to those who create it." please welcome charlamagne tha god! ( cheers and applause )
♪ >> trevor: hello! >> what's happening? ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: oh! >> trevor, my friend! >> trevor: are you good. >> is this yes, man. >> trevor: welcome t to the show. good to have you here. >> thanks, man. >> trevor: you are writing books? >> yes. sometimes you sit down with somebody and record your voice and tell your stories, but i wasn't feeling the way it was transcribed so i would get up on saturday mornings and write it myself. >> trevor: you can feel charlamagne in the book. >> i wrote it. >> trevor: some people change when they write -- and here are the tools charlamagne embarked on the journey -- you know what i mean. ( laughter ) before we get into the title of the book, "black privilege," let's talk about some of the stories. one of my favorite is you talk about how you used to get in people's faces, causing trouble and a guy almost choked you to death. >> yes. >> trevor: a few years later you found out he was in jail for
choking in one to death. >> i'm from a small town called monks corner. he beat me up real bad. this scar is from that because it was scar tissue that wasn't going away so i had to get it cut off. he had me in a choke hold and i thought that was it, man. i thought i was about to go to that upper room. >> trevor: and then it would seem you haven't learned. you have controversial issues in the book. one of my favorite passages, you talk about the white devil and say not all white people are the devil. >> could you put that in context for the white people in the audience? ( laughter ) i talk about how i studied the five teachings of islam when i was younger and one of the teachings is the white man is the devil. i saw that's one of the things i couldn't quite get with because i don't feel everybody is born inherently evil. >> trevor: okay. >> but i say i don't think 100% of white people are the devil just about 80%.
>> trevor: see how you won the white people over there? >> yes! so when you work with black people, you should make them feel comfortable and sometimes should walk up and say, hey, my name is andy and i'm not a white devil. if that doesn't work, treat people the way you'd like to be treated. >> trevor: walk up and say, hi, i'm andy and i'm not -- if a white person walked up to me and said that -- >> you would think they are the devil. >> trevor: you are most definitely devil. ( laughter ) "black privilege," great title, i would buy the book for that name but you can't truly believe in black privilege. >> why not? words mean something. when you look at the word privilege, the word privilege has more than one meaning. privilege means certain advantages are granted to a certain group of people, but the word privilege also means it's an honor to be. i feel it's an honor to be black. >> trevor: you're using it in a different context.
>> absolutely. >> trevor: you know what people think. they go charlamagne. white privilege is something people are fighting. >> very real. i can fight against white privilege, i can fight against oppression, institutionalized racism as well as celebrate myself and say i feel it's a privilege to be black. >> trevor: that adds context. and you have advice in the book. you talk a lot about black people getting up and doing things for themselves. >> hold on, that sounds like respectability politics. >> trevor: no, what i wanted to talk about in the book is just going how did you find the journey, you know, being in a place where you go, i understand there are obstacles in my life, but statement i have to work hard. the two things can co-exist. how did you find your path in life? >> my father used to give me some of the best advice. he would say, if you don't change your lifestyle, you're going to end up in jail, dead or broke sitting under a tree somewhere. and when i started going to jail and saw people around me going
to prison and dying and sitting under the tree being broke, doing nothing with their life, i was, like, whoa, this is real. so wise people learn from their own hi stakes and the mistakes of others so i thought i would have to do something positive with my life. i didn't have a plan b or go to college. i had to work. i picked up odd jobs. i worked at taco bell, a clothing store in the mall called demo. i worked at a war house. like a lot of kids, i wanted to rap. i wasn't a bad thing. i met a guy willie will at a radio station in south carolina and said how did you get into radio? he said, i went down there and got an internship. and that's what i did. i watched "back to the future" a lot of times and that was one of the moment that altered my future. i was fading out of the picture till i got that internship. >> trevor: i feel you there. that makes a lot of sense. ( applause ) what i've always enjoyed about
you is you are an honest person. many people think you're continue verse bull you speak your truth, you stick to what you believe in. if someone's going to buy the book, what's the one thing you want them to take away from it beyond just the contrivecy of the title or whatever you think they may feel about you? >> i want them to feel enlightened but i want them to know success is subjective. this is the path i chose. i want people to find whatever their purpose and passion is and work towards it. when i say success is subjective, i mean there is a guy watching this in columbia, south carolina or charlotte, north carolina somewhere making $50,000, $60,000 a year, his wife is good, kids are good, a nice place to stay, a car, and happy. that's success. in america, we equate success to celebrity a lot of time. that's not the case. there is plenty more regular successful people than famous successful people out here. so i want people to feel empowered and enlightened by the