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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  May 30, 2017 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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made the mistake of vaccinating finger baby. now he can't blink. good night. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much for tuning in! we've got a great show for you tonight. our guest dr. elizabeth ford is here to talk about mental health in the criminal justice system. it's going to be a really interesting conversation. so stick around for that. but first, we're back, people! thank you for having us back. "the daily show" took a week off. yes, i had some parole (bleep) i had to take care of.
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even though we were gone, the news carried on, which was very rude, i must say. but we're going to try to catch up on everything in one show which might be possible but i think if we keep our foot on the gas and stay focused we can do it which is word for word the pep talk tiger woods gave himself before driving home the other night. see i slipped it in efficiently and we move on. first u up, news we missed from last week. greg gianforte was elected montana's new republican congressman, elected just a day after body slamming a reporter who had the nerve to ask him a question about the house republicans' healthcare bill which is a pretty gangster response. how are the people going to pay their hospital bills? you tell me! bam! no, seriously, i need you to tell me, i don't know how this works. ( laughter ) another thing that happened last week, more russia. former trump national security advisor michael flynn says he's
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going to plead the fifth rather than testify to congress, yes. he won't speak to anyone unless they are russian spice. ( laughter ) also, the f.b.i. is now rooking into jared kushner after it came out that, before trump was president, jared tried to set up a backchannel to communicate secretly with russia. so now, basically, we've got jared, flynn, jeff sessions, paul manafort, carter page and just today trump's lawyer michael cohen, all linked to the russians in some way or the other. wouldn't it be funny if everyone in trump's campaign was talking to the russians except trump? ( laughter ) but only because the russians didn't trust him. ( laughter ) they're like -- (russian accent) whatever you do, don't tell him. don't tell him. ( laughter ) it may be a new week but most of us are dealing with fallout of national buffoon's european invasion. ( laughter )
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it's true, last week was president trump's first international trip. when someone travels, there is often a way you can look at one body part and that can tell you everything you need to know. maybe you know they went skiing because they have a goggle tan omplet you know they went to jamaica because of the white gold corn rows. or you can do the same thing with donald trump by focusing on his hands, we can learn everything we need to about his first international trip. let's follow adventures in our new segment "international hand stuff." ( applause ) ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: president trump's first stop was saudi arabia. i don't know about you, but i was waiting for him to spark an international incident. you know, like, i was waiting for him to walk off the plane,
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going, so many ninjas! ( laughter ) but luckily that didn't happen. now trump hoped people would focus on his carefully crafted speech about islam and terrorism, but, unfortunately, his mouth was soon overtaken by his hands. >> you may have seen this rather strange image of president trump stand alongside the saudi king and the president of egypt. all offthem with their hands on a glowing white orb. >> trevor: it looks like like a summit of world leaders and more like a scene out of a bizarre role of captain planet. let our powers combine -- oil! blue teen yum! spray tan! ( laughter ) now, to be fair, that's not all trump did with his hands in saudi arabia. the president also signed a deal to sell the saudis $110 billion in weapons, which can i say for a second, what a load of bull (bleep). no, no, trump goes to saudi arabia and never once
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mentioned radical islamic terrorism, which is what he condemned obama for and, on top of that, signs the biggest arms deal in american history with the saudis, the same people he even said were behind 9/11. really? was trump statement zitting there with them, all right, you've got to promise you're not going to use these to do another 9/11. no, no, donald, we'll never do another 9/11. we'll do a completely different date. deal! wait... what? ( laughter ) but if you're worried about american security, president's speech offered a warning to young muslims consider ago career in terrorism. >> your life will be empty, your life will be brief, and your soul will be fully condemned. >> trevor: i'm sorry, those were trump's wedding vows. ( laughter ) ( applause ) sorry about that. sorry.
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so, all in all, trump handled the saudi trip well and just getting started. next stop, israel, where the president got a chance to place his hands on one of jerusalem's holiest sites, the wall. you know that had an impression on trump. you see this, folks? they build one wall 2,000 years ago, zero mexicans in their country. ( laughter ) by the way, my favorite part of trump's time in israel was the part when he didn't know what part of the world israel was in. >> we just got back from the middle east. we just got back from saudi arabia and, uh -- ( laughter ) everyone's reaction was captured by that guy in the corner. just look at him. look at his face. ( laughter ) while trump is saying that, he's, like, do you know how much work i had to do just to get in this room and this asshole
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didn't even look at a map?! but it wasn't long before trump's hands were once again dominating his trip because, instead of his visits and looking at the effect on u.s.-israel relations, everyone was focused on donald-melania relations. >> the enormous amount of media attention had to do with melania trump and the video. was this a slap or did she just pull her hand away? she pulled her hand away but i didn't quite see the contact of a slap. >> trevor: wow, leave it to fox news not to recognize what rejection from a woman looks like. ( cheers and applause ) she -- she, uh -- she slapped his hand away which probably means she wants a promotion first, right? ( laughter ) now, on the next leg of trump's trip which took him to the vatican, trump's hands really couldn't catch a break because,
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this time, the first lady gave him the old down low too slow -- ( laughter ) -- which made me wonder, when you watch that, do you think maybe melania is jealous? oh, now you want to hold hands, donald. you sure you wouldn't rather be holding that orb? i remember when you used to touch me like the orb, donald. i told you, melania, me and the orb was a one-time thing. the orb means nothing to me, means nothing. i was barely hard. barely. ( laughter ) now, luckily for trump, the pope didn't slap away his hand when they met, but he looked like he wanted to because, i mean, did you see the pope's face? ( laughter ) i don't want to be blasphemous, but in that moment it looked like even he was questioning whether there's a god.
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( laughter ) but arguably, president trump's most important stop, the one that will have the most impact was in belgium, right, for the n.a.t.o. summit. now, some leaders prefer to delegate foreign diplomacy, but trump, he takes a more hands-on approach. >> the president is feeling a little bit pushy today, and when i say pushy, i mean literally. >> the president, appearing to shove the prime minister of montenegro out of the way to get to the front of the pack for a group photo. >> trevor: who are you?! who does that?! ( applause ) are you serious? we shouldn't be prized trump push the only world leader whose name has negro in the name. the newly france president
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wasn't taking chances. >> this handshake with emanuel macron went on and on, so long it appears president trump tried to pull away, their knuckles turning white. >> he told the french publication "my handshake with president trump was not innocent. we must show we will not make small concessions, even small ones ." >> trevor: the first time donald trump was on the receiving end of an unwelcomed hand grab. president macron said, i did it. he said, let go, macron! i said, you like that, don't you, trump? you like that! you like it! you like it! ( applause ) >> trevor: now, of course, that hand shake didn't distract from trump's hands' real agenda
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in the n.a.t.o. meeting and that was finger wagging because during his speech, trump lambasted the europeans for not spending more on their militaries and wouldn't reaffirm america's commitment to defend europe. look, if it was up to me, i'd fight for you, but it's up to the orb now. ( laughter ) and the orb says, no... ( laughter ) so in one day, trump may have done what russia's been trying to do for 50 years, break the alliance between the faiths and europe, which would make it easier for russia to extend its powers in places like the ukraine. and i don't know if trump even recognized how bad this trip was for u.s.-european relations because, when he got back, he tweeted, just returned from europe, trip was a great success for america, hard work, but big results. now, unfortunately, the big results aren't what most persons would have hoped for. >> germany chancellor angela merkel warned europe can't
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completely rely on the u.s. anymore. >> the times when we can completely count on others, they are over to a certain extent. i've experienced this in the last few days, and that is why i can only say that we europeans must really take our fate into our own hands. >> trevor: yeah. clearly angela merkel got one look at trump and was, like, all right, our fate is in our own hands because his clearly ruin everything they touch. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) at chili's, we celebrate with a meal. even if all we're celebrating, is the meal. with our 3 course meal for $10, get a salad, your choice of entrée, and a mini-molten cake. tonight at chili's.
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he's got a condo. ur choice of entrée, and a mini-molten cake. he's got a car. he's got a career. but that still doesn't mean he gets you. time to shine. orbit.
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introducing oreo chocolate candy bars look for them wherever you buy chocolate candy. in the desert. at the mall. on the mountain. at school. here. at the beach. in the big easy. yeah yeah today i want to show you guys the next-gen chevy equinox. what do you think? that's pretty. pretty sexy. it looks aggressive. but not overbearing. it's not too big. not too small. seems like the perfect car for anybody. i would take it anywhere. she's a bad mama jama. it's the chevy memorial day sales event. current qualified gm lessees can get this all-new 2018 equinox for around 239 a month. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! so donald trump just came back from europe and the trip went so badly even the europeans in his own family don't want anything to do with him. for more insight, joined by
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senior foreign policy analyst jordan klepper, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) now, jordan, it must be so alarming to hear america's traditional allies saying they can't depend on america anymore. >> yeah, isn't it great? no more foreigners sucking on the teat of the eagle. >> trevor: eagles don't have teats. >> what have i been sucking on? >> trevor: i don't want to know. >> trevor, the point, is instead of complaining about donald trump, foreign leaders should be thanking donald trump. his approach to foreign relations is giving them the chance to take center stage. look at french president macron, without nemesis he would be a french guy chasing a red balloon, wearing berets and eating baguettes. look at macron now, he's getting applause for standing up to putin like some tough guy. when was the last time we had a french tough guy.
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jean claude van damme? >> trevor: actually, he's belgian. >> exactly! and the only reason macron gets to take on putin is because trump doesn't have the balls to do it himself. >> trevor: angela merkel doesn't see it that way. >> she should. two years ago merkel was the budget-cutting grubbleler nobody could stand but now she's running for election and her rivals are even supporting her. trump made her the leader of the free world, the biggest promotion he's given to a woman who wasn't his daughter. >> trevor: no, no, no. no, i'm sorry, jordan, no. i don't agree. angela merkel would have been the same world leader whether or not trump was president. >> fake news! ( laughter ) you think president hillary clinton would let merkel lead anything? hillary would be like i'll take care of syria and russia, you can do the snacks. you know what? i'll handle the snacks, you just show up on time is that are you
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really telling me europe should be grateful for trump? >> not just europe. with america out of the picture, the whole world is stepping up their game. china is taking the lead on green energy. that's right, china is going to save the environment. next thing you know, world star is going to bring peace to the middle east. wake up one day and there will be a shaky vertical video of palestinians and israelis living in harmony. trump's taken the training wheels off the world. sure, everyone's afraid they're going to crash into the lamp post by maybe now they'll actually learn how to ride this damn thing. >> trevor: i admire your ability to find the silver lining. >> it's like that time you were out sick and i got to host the show. i wasn't mad at you, i was grateful. the audience was grateful. >> trevor: whoa! ( laughter ) >> and if your ebola or whatever hadn't flared up that day -- ( laughter ) -- i might never have gotten my own show this fall on comedy
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central. >> trevor: come on, jordan. >> or my upcoming jordan klepper solves guns june is 1 at 10:00 p.m. >> trevor: jordan, are you here making this argument just to plug your project? >> hell, yeah! you heard merkel, it's trump's world, i've got to take things into my own hands. >> trevor: jordan klepper, everyone. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) before we work day and night nonstop. before we harvest 17 hundred acres of cascad celeia and centennial. we wait for our hop farmer to tell us it's time. there are no shortcuts to goose ipa. we don't need to be the only beer you drink. we just want to be the best beer you drink. how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy.
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i decided to see if there was a way for design to play a... ...positive role in what was going on in the world. there's a jacket that's reflective for visibility... ...a sleeping bag jacket, jackets that turn into tents. i usually do my fashion sketches on the computer. i love drawing on the screen. there's no lag time at all. it feels just like my markers. with fashion, you can dress people and help people. it's really cool to see your work come to life.
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>> trevor: welcome back to the "the daily show." my guest tonight is chief of psychiatry, new york city's
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health and hospital's correctional health services, and she's here to talk about her new book called "sometimes amazing things happen." please welcome dr. elizabeth ford. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you very much. >> trevor: and let me just say, from the title, i did not expect this book to be what it was. sometimes amazing things happen. i thought it was going to be like a fun, light-hearted book about, like, how sometimes you think you have one piece of chocolate and there are two pieces stuck together and you're, like, i guess, technically, i ate one. but, no, it's not about that at all. ( laughter ) >> trevor: if you were to put it in your words because it's also a memoir of your life but touches on the criminal justice system and mentally ill patients, what would you say it's about. >> amazing doesn't always mean good. it means surprising. this book relays my journey
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learning how to take care of patients in the criminal justice and being surprised and amazed at every turn. when i started in this work, i -- it was sort of happenstance, but i was assigned as a medical student to have a patient who was incarcerated and it was a patient no one else wanted to treat which is why i as the medical student got him. i was initially scared and afraid and, by the end of six weeks, meeting with him every day, i felt like unbelievable empathy for this man and curiosity. and we were having daily conversations that were so warm and rich. and i thought -- i really thought, if i could do this for the rest of my career, i would be absolutely satisfied. that's how i ended up in this work. >> trevor: that is a unique ability that you have is to see a situation like this and then thrust yourself into it where most would turn away. i mean, was there any point where you doubted your decision to get involved and say, i want to work with people who have
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been labeled as the most dangerous in society for the rest of pi life? >> i never -- i never made that decision, but i did actually quit the work at one point because it was so challenging for me to -- mostly to hear all the trauma the victims had and sometimes to witness it firsthand in the jail system and it became overwhelming once i had my children and could sort of more clearly understand what trauma and abuse and poverty and lack of education, all of the things that lead up to this, what that can do to a human being. it became too much for me, frankly. so i quit. i worked in an emergency room which was not the easiest, either. >> trevor: right. >> but missed this work so much that i went back to it a few years later. >> trevor: and going back into this work, you know, what you really do well in the book is illustrate the human side of these stories because a lot of people would say, hey, dr. ford, i get what you're trying to tell me, but these are criminals, so i don't understand why i should feel sorry for anything, why i should display any empathy
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towards them. >> yeah, but they're human beings, and i think we forget that in the whole narrative, really, about this issue. there are a lot of statistics, there are a lot of policy decisions that are made. what gets lost in all of that are the real -- are the people behind these. >> trevor: you have a passage here that really i guess summed up a lot of that. you say a few months ago i wouldn't have turned away a patient like ray. i knew a sad and desperate life didn't give anyone a free pass to behave badly but maybe it around little tolerance. i haven't yet met a patient labeled antisocial who didn't have a poignant story to tell. if you listen to the story long enough, you can figure out why the patients behave so badly, then you can try to fix it. many people would argue the points and say, but they're repeat offenders. you can't fix it with some people. do you truly believe that anyone's issue can be fixed, or do you believe that there is a way to fix people that many in society deem broken? >> i believe there is a core
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just like you described in the passage you read to everybody. and sometimes it's very clear how to find that, and other times it takes years. some of the patients i write about in this book, i would treat them over a decade coming back into the jail and it wasn't until the end of the decade that i was able to grab on to the thing that was going to help. i firmly believe and couldn't do this work if i didn't believe it, within all of us is the core and desire to do good. circumstances and illness and all sorts of socioeconomic issues conspire to make it hard to feigned, but, yes, it is in there. >> trevor: i will say, having you in the system helps a lot. it's an amazing story and i thank you for sharing with us. thank you for being on the show. >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: "sometimes amazing things happen" is available now. dr. elizabeth ford, everybody. we'll be right back. thank you very much. ( applause ) [ eerie music throughout ]
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the mummy... has returned. you wish to see... what i have seen?
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you will... when... i... kill you. [ explosions ] [ intense music ] the mummy. rated pg-13. ♪ 5 truth or dare is back. cindy, you don't evenno dress.ress. ♪ uh-uh, you're not going anywhere in those rags. ♪ cindy? ♪ introducing an all-new crossover, toyota c-hr.
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toyota. let's go places. tof apples per year.ts twenty-three pounds and drinks 270 beers per year. beer plus the crisp taste of apples? looks like redd's saved everyone a step. redd's apple ale. together we beer. ♪someday you'll let me put my way ycomb up there♪air♪ ♪'til then you're beautiful and i just stare♪ >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you for tuning in. joining us tomorrow night at 11:00. now here it is... your moment of zen.
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( star-spangled banner playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> chris: hey, welcome back. we were gone for a while but now we are back. i will tell you all about it later but girls weekend was a bleeping disaster which is so us. the internet offers subscription services which ship you a big box every month, ships nerd collectors, birch box which sends out butte products to geeks like me, and curated in array of supplies for the avid masturbator. >> real good at it. i am really good at it.


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