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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  February 15, 2018 11:00pm-11:31pm PST

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i picked it up, and now that i got your confession on tape, i'm gonna take it to the hoa board. [upbeat twangy music] >> ha-ha-ha. >> we're "the back door boys," represented by christie smith at rise management. we will play weddings. all right, pick a hand. all right, pick a hand. good night. [patriotic music] male announcer: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents: - i know americans may feel like their congress is divided and dysfunctional, buy you ain't seen uganda. - a brawl in uganda's parliament breaks out during a debate about the president's eligibility
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to run for office again. you can see them, they've got-- i don't know what their weapons are, mike, but they're using whatever they can get their hands on. - yes. - the country's constitution has an age limit of 75 for president. well, the 73-year-old president, yoweri museveni, has ruled uganda since taking the position by force in 1986. so that argument over changing the law to allow him to run again after the age of 75. - the first rule of ugandan parliament is you don't talk about ugandan parliament. and real quick, what does that reporter mean? "i don't know what those weapons are." what do you mean? it's a mic stand, okay? we have mic stands in africa. the reporter is saying it like, "the ugandans are fighting with some kind of giraffe stick. i don't know what that is." it's a mic stand, okay? now honestly, we could go into the reasons they were fighting, but the truth is you don't really care, and there is so much fun insanity happening in every frame of that video.
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we have to look closer at it. like one guy jumps onto the table and then he does a spin. what's that? who does a spin in the middle of a fight? that is insane. he looks like a ugandan michael jackson. like, what was that? oh, and then--and then-- and then watch this part. someone throws a chair, and the security guy catches in midair. like a boss. new york giants, are you watching this? you better sign this man. but my favorite part, my favorite part of all, one representative, he's just standing there the whole time waving the ugandan flag like a matador. you can see, he's like, "when this is a painting, they will definitely include me huh?" you know what--you know what my suggestion is? this is how america should run its congress, right? if some senator wants to filibuster a bill, you can't just say, "i vote to block." you have to physically block them
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from getting it to the floor. put some muscle into it. come on, mitch! let's see what you're made of. [cheers and applause] that's what i want to see. [upbeat music] - two lions were recently caught in the act at a national park in kenya, but this wasn't your average instance of mating. that's because both the lions were male. the head of kenya's film censorship board, ezekiel mutua, called for the lions to be isolated. on november 2nd, the told the nairobi news, quote... [laughter] - oh, wow. this kenyan politician thinks that these lions learned this from gay people? like, this is either homophobia on another level or gay people are incredible animal trainers. i can't even get my dog to sit, and they've got these lions sixty-nining, really?
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or maybe-- or maybe he's just jealous, 'cause i know i'm jealous. i mean, look at that guy, huh? look at that guy. you ever been so satisfied you lost control of your tongue? just like, uhh, uhh. uhh, uhh! hakuna matata. - prince harry and meghan markle selecting st. george's chapel for their upcoming ceremony, set to take place in may. the engagement ring, two diamonds from jewelry belonging to harry's mom diana and a center stone from the african country botswana, where the couple spent their third date. - wait, hold up. their third date was to botswana? i mean, normally on a third date you might go to red lobster, but for a royal you go to an entire african country? wow. for more perspective on this royal engagement, we turn now to our actual british person, gina yashere, everybody. [cheers and applause] gina, this royal wedding
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has people around the world excited. so in britain, it must be pretty big. - oh, it's huge, trevor. we haven't been this excited since piers morgan left for america. now, i can see why americans love the royals. they're a world-famous family with tons of drama. like the kennedys but with better security. [audience groans] don't boo me. boo ted cruz's dad. - wait, but, gina, gina, like, this is good news for the royal family, 'cause, like, harry's always been known as a bad boy, right? a bit of a womanizer, drunken fights, partying naked in vegas. like, they must be relieved that he's finally settling down. - [chuckles] settling down. this engagement is one of the most rebellious things a royal has ever done. meghan markle is american, she's divorced, and she's black. this is not the traditional recipe for princess. even in kids' movies, they went green before black. - look, okay, wait, i understand american and divorced,
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but black, is that really an issue in britain? - it is for the british press. i know in america people don't really think of meghan as super black. one, because her name is meghan. and two, because you can't pick her out of this lineup of white women. - yeah, i don't know where she is. - i'm not lying. but to the british right-wing press, harry might as well be engaged to wendy williams. "how you doing?" - look, i hear what you're saying, and i've been following the coverage from the uk. i don't know if i've seen that much racism. - exactly, the brits do subtle racism. it's not the n word. it's in code. they say, "meet the in-laws," talking about how meghan's parents are divorced, and she comes from a broken family. you know who else comes from a broken family? prince harry! [laughter] they call meghan's family unconventional. unconventional, the queen is married
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to her own cousin. - gina yashere, everybody. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [upbeat music] in the 2018 lexus es and es hybrid. lease the 2018 es 350 for $339 a month for 36 months. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. experience amazing new year, new phones for the family. join t-mobile, and when you buy one of the latest samsung galaxy phones get a samsung galaxy s8 free. yahoooo! ahoooo! plus, unlimited family plans come with netflix included. spectacular! so, you can watch all your netflix favorites on your new samsung phones. whoa! join the un-carrier and get a samsung galaxy s8 free. all on america's best unlimited network.
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i've had three people try to eathree!oday. oh, lucky penny. anyway, sometimes i wish i were human. woahhhh. look at me! i'm human! ha! do you want to eat me? no. do you want to eat me? no thanks. would you like to eat me? ha! nobody wants to eat me! i'm the luckiest... you dropped your lucky penny. man, i look good. you're still short and bald. ♪ bring home the taste sensation. taco bell's nacho fries, now with delicious bonus content. the nacho fries $5 box set, now serving at a taco bell near you. [bong!] [upbeat music]
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- house republicans yesterday voting in favor of making concealed carry permits valid across state lines. - police departments around the country, including the nypd, say this will undermine public safety by weakening the tough gun laws right here in our area. cuomo saying it puts all new yorkers at risk. - okay, no, no, no, no, no. no, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. like, i understand some states want to have guns, but you can't just let conceal carry owners across state lines packing heat. this is not the wild west, okay? you can't do that. because now, think about it, if you're a policemen in new york, you're gonna think anyone could be carrying a gun. and also, as new yorkers, we're gonna think anyone could be carrying a gun, which would severely hamper our ability to be assholes. right? yeah, because think about it, in new york we talk trash to each other all the time. why? because you know the other person won't shoot you. "i'm walking over here, asshole! take that bagel and shove it up your ass!"
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"all right, mom, i'll see you after work. i love you, bye!" that's new york. that's what we do. [upbeat music] ♪ - last week was the consumer electronics show in las vegas. there's where all the big tech companies show off the latest in unnecessary bullshit. listen, not everything needs a computer chip. you hear that, fitbit? you know the easiest way for me to lose some weight is by taking you off. damn it! you judgmental bastard! anyway, the big theme of this year's ces was, "we're all lazy, so just let a robot do it." - self-driving cars were big players at this year's consumer electronics show. electric carmaker byton sees the car of the future as a mobile lounge, a bit of a movie theater on wheels. - more voice controls are coming to cars, as automakers enhance self-driving features and turn the dashboard into a movie screen. - we don't need movies on the dashboard, okay?
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driverless cars are still new technology. if something goes wrong, i don't want the last thing i ever see to be "fifty shades darker," okay? because that's the only movie i'll be watching in a driverless car. it's romantic and my hands are free. what is wrong with driving a car with your hands and your eyeballs? these people at ces think we can't even take a dump without ai. - thanks to the internet, this is now a thing you can do. alexa, ask kohler to flush the toilet. - okay. - kohler's top-end toilet, the numi, now connects to the internet. there's no microphone in the toilet, but you can command it via nearby devices to help lift the seat, heat up, and other essential tasks, but it'll cost you. the numi runs $5,625 and up. - $5,000 for alexa to flush my toilet? listen, i can get a guy off craigslist to do that for me. all right? and he'd pay me.
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oh, and also i don't want my toilet connected to amazon. they're gonna start showing me targeted ads for prunes. yo, for some reason, these tech companies are obsessed with what's going on below my waist. - this is smart underwear, so it's like any wearable device in that it can read your body temperature, your heart rate, calories, steps, but it's inside your underwear. - a supercomputer in my crotch is a horrible idea, except when you're not performing in bed. then it's a great excuse. sorry, baby, i got hacked. damn russians. [laughter and applause] i know. these russians! these russians are trying to influence my erection. so these geniuses at ces have figured out everything. there's really only one thing that could go wrong. - i'm here at the consumer electronics show in the las vegas convention center, and about 12 minutes ago all of the power went out. we're here in the central hall.
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we're hearing that the power in the central hall as well as the south hall went out entirely. - all the power went out at ces? that's like if you were at an amish convention and all the power went on. one power surge and all my stuff is useless. now i have to flush my own toilet. i even have to measure my erection the old-fashioned way. find a guy on craigslist. [smooth music] - my favorite story by far. black people are officially done playing. in atlanta, a tv news anchor got an email from a racist viewer, and tuesday night-- on tuesday night, she replied live on air, and you're gonna want to sit back and enjoy this. - a woman by the name of kathy rae emailed me. we're gonna put that email on the screen, and then i'll comment after it. "you need to be fired for the race-baiting comment "you made tonight. "it's okay for blacks to discuss certain subjects, "but not whites, really? you are what i call a--" she wrote n-i-g-e-r.
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"not a black person. "you are a racist n-i-g-e-r. you are what's wrong with the world." and so i would say to kathy a couple of things. number one, you mischaracterized what i said. i think when arguing with somebody, you have to be careful not to mischaracterize their viewpoint, so i won't mischaracterize your view either, kathy rae. i get it. on december 5, 2017, you think it's okay to call this journalist a nigger. i don't. but i could clap back and say a few things to you. but instead, i'll let your words, kathy rae, speak for themselves, and that'll be the last word. - goddamn! whoo! [cheers and applause] the revolution will be televised. did you see that head tilt? did you see that?
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you may not know what that means, but when a black woman puts her hands together and starts leaning, your ass is about to get beat. [laughter] like, this is her winding up. whenever i would see my mom doing that, i knew, i knew what was up. that's like a black woman's golf swing. she's going this way to come back, yeah. and you can tell by the angle how bad your beating is gonna be at the same time. like at this point, it's a slight fool. that's all you, right? and then--and then when you go all the way here, it's like, oh, you gonna die, you gonna die. one time my mom's head spun 360 degrees. i couldn't walk for a week. i love this woman. she's my hero. sharon reed on cbs, i love you, this was amazing. atlanta, this was the greatest talk back i have ever seen. [cheers and applause] [upbeat music]
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we can now simulate the exact anatomyh care, of a patient's brain before surgery. if we can do that, imagine what we can do for seizures. and if we can fix damaged heart valves without open heart surgery, imagine what we can do for an irregular heartbeat, even high blood pressure. if we can use analyze each patient's breast cancer to personalize their treatment, imagine what we can do for the conditions that affect us all. imagine what we can do for you. [upbeat music] - oh, yeah, what's up everybody?
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i'm roy, that's michael, and this is the 2017 year in review for sports. - and what a year it was, roy. the astros won their first world series ever. - we also had two cocky idiots trying to beat the snot out of each other. - and the new england patriots had an amazing comeback over the atlanta falcons in super bowl li. ouch. - falcons rip. blew a 25-point lead, bro. they blew it so bad they had to write a book called "what happened." - well, but the most important story of course is the nfl players to kneeling to protest the oppression of the black man in america. my man roy here knows what that's all about. no rest for the brothers. am i right, roy? - actually, man, i just kinda want to keep this segment light and fun, so let's just keep moving. - i hear you. yeah, i'm down, dog. - because sports is supposed to be light and fun, and the nfl got a little more fun this year when the league lifted the ban on group touchdown celebrations. - and the players took full advantage. they did the jamaican bobsled team. they did the-- they performed cpr. they even played leap frog. i mean, where do they come up with this? - i mean, these celebrations were cool but they weren't as good as the ones that you and i used to throw down back in our playing days, bro. - oh, you mean the pepper and the parmesan?
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let's show 'em pepper and parmesan, here we go. pepper. - here's the salad. - [grunting] - do the parmesan. - [grunting] - eat that salad. [both groan] - pepper and parmesan crushed it. i'll tell you who else crushed it, the golden state warriors. they were absolutely dominant, cruising to an easy nba finals victory over lebron and the cavs. - speaking of the cavs, kyrie irving demanded a trade so he wouldn't have to play with lebron james, and that wasn't even the craziest thing he said this year. - one of the big stories out of all star weekend is the cavs' star kyrie irving believes that the earth is flat. despite years of science, kyrie honestly believes that the earth is not round. - kyrie, baby, how you gonna say the earth is flat when you basically spend 20 hours a day dribbling... both: ...a damn globe. - of course, i'd be remiss if i didn't mention that there was a racial slur that was spray-painted on the home of lebron james. clearly money and fame are not enough to protect the black man in today's america, and that's an "amerikkka" with three ks, right, roy? - why do you keep bringing up all this heavy race stuff? this is supposed to be a light segment.
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i just want my sports with no racism. - i'm sorry, you know me. but i'm an ally to the black man. - stop saying "the black man." don't say that. - i minored in african studies. - that ain't got nothing to do with-- - okay, all right, i'll just back off the african-- - look, anyway, let's just move on, because the most incredible performance of this year has to go to serena williams winning the australian open while pregnant. - yeah, try pulling that off, roger federer. - well, he couldn't because technically-- - what more can you say? there's nothing more inspiring to me than a strong, powerful black woman. - oh, man, i told you, you don't have to-- - i'm impressed by black women. michelle, serena, your own mom. - keep my mama's name out of your mouth. - it was a compliment. she raised a great man, roy. - just stop talking about race. i know what's going on. you don't have to keep bringing up race every time. - it's hard because 2017, roy, was a year that race and sport intersected like never before. - no, no, there was one story, michael phelps raced a shark, and that nothing to do with magical black women, nothing to do with wokeness and nothing to do with race.
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- oh, oh, okay. i just-- - okay, how does race-- how is this race? - nothing, it's just i have always seen the shark as the black man of the sea. - you saying--you saying me and the shark, we're the same? - look, i'm saying everyone that was involved in this made so much money off of, what, the shark's hard labor. how much money did the shark make? nothing. i mean, to me that sounds a lot like... the shark's working, everyone's making money. but the shark's not getting money. that's s-- - no, no, no, don't say it. - to me, that's slavery. - don't say that-- mm, i'm done. - that's what that is. that's-- - i'm done, man. - roy wood jr. i'm michael kosta. to me the shark is slavery. happy kwanzaa, you guys. have a great year. [upbeat music] - tide spokesman and patriots' star gronk is speaking out against the dangerous tide pod challenge. a new twitter video starts by asking rob gronkowski if eating tide pods is a good idea. - no, no, no, no, no, no, no. no, no, no.
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what the heck is going on, people? use tide pods for washing. not eating. do not eat. - but seriously though, kids, they look cool, but please do not eat these things. - you eat them! all: yeah! - what--who the hell are you guys? no, i'm not gonna do that. all: do it! do it! do it! do it! - guys, you're not gonna peer pressure me into doing a stupid thing. i'm not gonna eat this. - you're not cool if you don't eat 'em! all: yeah! - trevor's lame! - i'm--yo, i'm not lame. i'm cool. [laughter] [choking] - what an idiot! - [choking] [laughter] [coughing] am i popular now? do you guys love me? [cheers and applause] [sobbing] [upbeat music]
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everyone has a thing. that binge watch over the weekend thing. more checking-in or checking out things. that triple-double thing doing it yourself or tagging a friend thing. more revolutions in the making thing. that play like a girl thing. that four-legged friends thing.
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at&t gives you more for your thing. more entertainment, internet, and unlimited plans. more for your thing. yeah, that's our thing. oh! there's one.a "the sea cow"" manatees in novelty ts?
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surprising. what's "come at me bro?" it's something you say to a friend. what's not surprising? how much money matt saved by switching to geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. [upbeat music] - recreational marijuana use became legal in california today. - lines popped up at dispensaries with customers ranging from long-time users to first-time buyers. - this is absolutely going to be
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a recreational habit for me. i could just smoke a quarter of a blunt, have some doritos, and i'll be good. [laughter] - you know, i, uh-- i believed that that guy was a first-time user until he said, "i can just smoke a quarter of a blunt." no rookie knows the right dosage. this guy has probably smoked seth rogan levels of weed. calm down, man. but seriously, it's great--it's great that recreational marijuana is now legal in california, especially because it's been so good for californians' health. yeah, did you know that in the past 48 hours, california's glaucoma rate has dropped by 98%. stoners everywhere were like, "doc, it's a miracle. i can see again. "or i can sleep, or my elbow feels-- "i don't remember what i told you, man, but anyway, i'm gonna get high right now." [upbeat music] people all over america gathered today to watch the first total solar eclipse in 38 years. and i don't know about you, but i went out. i had a great time. everyone in the building enjoyed it.
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but i think it is safe to say that nobody in america enjoyed it more than fox news' shep smith. - a total eclipse of the-- bang! wow! would you look at that. it's a total eclipse of the sun! if i put this here and my phone here, i have a total eclipse of the phone. ♪ total eclipse of the heart we've been watching the path of totality. so you can catch addisu on screen if you run. the path of totality, we--we've just-- we're not even at idaho. [buzzing] it's not beatrice. it's be-ah-trice, nebraska. it turns the sun purple. that one is orange and this one is pink. what are they having, guys? all: total eclipse of the sun. - can you feel it? [laughter] - that there is the joy of a news anchor who finally gets to cover a story that doesn't involve donald trump. the sun! the sun! finally, the sun! [upbeat music] - [makes whining noise, coughs]
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captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jordan: did you see it? did you see it last night? were you watching last night, were you watching? hold on, it's january 29th. my opponent tonight is roy wood, jr., have i some bones to pick with him, give it up for roy wood, jr. now stop, now stop that is enough giving it up. now first i want to talk politics. the new bacon. everybody is infused with it. but unlike bacon this is killing me. fat, last night i was disgusted when i turned on my tv and was bombarded with a three hour antifa rally hosted by james covereden, the contempt-filled political grammys. >> he had a long time fear of being. >> poisoned. >> one reason he liked to eat at

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