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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  September 19, 2018 1:40am-2:10am PDT

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does it stink? - yeah. - know what would be a great picture here? - hmm? - just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. - mm-hmm. - that's it. - wow. - and the caption would read... - hope... grows... - in a dump. [honking] - whoo-hoo! - the good news that you found our leads? - no. better. - we have an awesome beanbag chair that's perfect for the break room. - eech! i'm never gonna sit on that disgusting seat. - yeah, damn right, you're not, 'cause it's for me and michael only! both: yeah! - it's freezing out here. - yeah! well, i... i have warm blood. - uh...oh, wow. oh, thank you.
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you're the nicest person i've ever met. captioning by captionmax riddit dit dadoo! [patriotic music] narrator: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... [eerie music] ♪ ♪ - we're learning things about what president trump does before bed at night, and... it's even worse than you think. - this week's "new york magazine" reports that trump and the fox news host sean hannity speak on the phone most weeknights. the report also quotes a former white house official who says hannity and fox create a feedback loop that puts trump in a "weird headspace," adding...
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- okay, okay, you have to admit, it's cute that these two talk before bed every night. yeah, they're like eight-year-old tree house buddies with those cans on strings, you know, gossiping about which girls they secretly paid off. you know, or whether it's "yanni" or "laurel." it's laurel, by the way. but that feedback loop part is really weird for me, right. they're saying that president trump says something outlandish to hannity on the phone. hannity then repeats it on tv and then trump watches that and goes, "you see? exactly! that's what i was saying!" trump is like that gorilla getting riled up on what he's doing in the mirror. he's like, "you see what he did?" and here's my favorite part of this story. white house staff know that the calls happen, thanks to the president entering a room and announcing "i just hung up with hannity."
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or even ringing hannity up from his desk in their presence. how are you both the president and a star [bleep]? how? like, no other world leader does that, you realize it. putin's never talking to his assistant like, "[russian accent] not big deal, "but i was at party with actor who play sheldon "on 'big bang,' yeah. "yeah, elon musk and grimes there too. just saying. yeah. yeah." [eerie music] so lawmakers in both parties are against trump separating kids from their parents. and more surprising, even trump is against trump separating kids from their parents. - we want to solve this problem. we want to solve family separation. i don't want children taken away from parents. - now, i know you might be a little confused right now. like, why would trump hate the policy that he himself made? but let's be real. you don't always love everything you make. and also--and also-- [cheers and laughter]
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the president's-- the president can't just change this policy. i mean, well, he can, but not without the approval of his most trusted advisors. and the problem is, the members of trump's tv cabinet team, like, they seem to be fine with everything that's happening. for instance, here's the secretary of inhuman services, laura ingraham. - since more illegal immigrants are rushing the border, more kids are being separated from their parents and temporarily housed in what are essentially summer cra--camps, or as the "san diego union tribune" described them today, as looking like basically boarding schools. [groaning] - yo, what--what kind of freaky-ass summer camps did she go to? was her family just dropping her off every june at state prison? she was coming out like, "camp was so fun! "we made license plates and shivs! and i-i got this teardrop tattoo!" you only get that if you kill people. "yeah." but just to be clear, once again,
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the point is not how nice the places are that they're keeping these kids in, right. the point is that the federal government is snatching kids away from their parents. if you kidnap someone's kid, but you keep them in a really nice basement, that's still not okay. liam neeson wasn't like, "what kind of food "are you feeding her? "what? sushi? well, i guess she has been taken... care of!" [laughter] that's not how it works. [cheers and applause] so... so laura ingal--ingraham-- so lauran ingraham clearly won't be advising the president to stop separating these families. and neither will director of false equivalencies tucker carlson. - this is one of those moments that tells you everything about our ruling class. they care far more about foreigners than about their own people. they don't care because no matter what they tell you, this is not about helping children. lot of people yelling at you on tv don't even have children, so don't for a second let them take the moral high ground.
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- wow. this angry mcnugget seriously just said, "you can't care about kids unless you have kids." that is the dumbest logic i have ever heard. how does tucker not get that you can care about things that don't directly affect you? and i'm just glad that he's a tv pundit and not a doctor. it'd be like, "dr. carlson, what should i do about my cancer?" well, i don't have cancer, so really, i don't give a shit. yeah, i, uh, i just don't. but, uh, but... if you ever get hemorrhoids, gimme a call, yeah. [laughter] so top advisors tucker and laura clearly won't let the president change this policy that he hates so much, and it's gonna get even worse if he watches "fox and friends" because brian kilmeade was making every single argument in one sentence at the same time. - and as nancy pelosi steps over the homeless in san francisco to hop on a plane to go to the border to have a heart bleed for the--for people from other countries
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that are coming here, understand we are $20 trillion in debt. we have-- classrooms that overrun, we have teachers buying their own supplies. these kids come in fantastic, oprah winfrey. i'm glad you're upset about it, but what--these kids get fanned out to working-class neighborhoods into our society and then they have to be paid for by-- english as a second language, and then they gotta be schooled and a lot of them, uh, sadly... - right. - in my neighborhood, turn into, uh, um, - ms-13. - ms-13. - what... the [bleep] was that? i'm sorry, that's not an argument. that was just like conservative slam poetry. just like, pelosi, oprah winfrey, killing the american dream with ms-13, teen, teen, teen, teen, teen. [cheers and applause] look... look, man, the fact of the matter is, separating kids from their parents is heartless, okay.
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and the only way that we can stop the government from doing it is to demand change. so get on the phone and call the people who can actually do something about this, and i'm not talking about congress. i'm talking about the policymakers at fox news. yeah, call them, 'cause they can do something. they work for the president, which means they work for you. we'll be right back. [eerie music] home sweet home. the houseth a where magic lives.lls. [ lion snarls ] bad kitty! you use the litter box. every house... have a look around. you're perfectly safe. that's safe? -as long as it's fed. ...has its secrets. you told lewis everything? not everything. so creepy. the house with a clock in its walls. rated pg.
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new trident vibes. [hip-hop music] [eerie music] ♪ - today was a very bad day for president trump. not only was his favorite comedian found guilty, but then the man he picked for veteran's affairs was forced to withdraw from consideration. and on top of all of that, trump's 23andme results came back and they confirmed that he's 50% eric. so trump did what everyone does when they're feeling down. he called in to a fox news morning show and it was honestly epic, because normally when trump has a bad day,
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we know trump watches "fox and friends" and yells at the tv, but today he did the same thing but we all got to listen in. and you could tell from the start that this was going to be special. - thank you so much for being with us, mr. president. - well, good morning, and i picked a very, very special day because it's melania's birthday. so i said, "let's do it on melania's birthday." so happy birthday to melania. - all right, hopefully there'll be visits in between, but have you decided on, or do you want to tell us what you got her? - well, i better not get into that 'cause i may get in trouble. maybe i didn't get her so much. i'll tell you what, she has done-- i got her a beautiful card. [laughter] - how did trump mess up the world's easiest question? it's like they threw him a softball, and he swung and hit himself in the dick. [laughter] and i mean, it's her birthday. i can't believe that donald didn't get melania anything for her birthday.
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now she might think he's not a very good husband. also, i would pay anything to know what he wrote inside that card, that he definitely didn't actually get. like, "roses are red, "love is a mystery, i had a historic electoral college victory." why did trump say he called in to "fox and friends" because it was melania's birthday? like, what does that mean? he's like, "honey, i've got a great celebration "planned for us today. "i'm gonna talk to some tv people while sitting on the toilet." like, "oh, thank you, donald. my life is a beautiful dream." [laughter] okay, so--so the interview didn't get off to a great start, but then it got worse. - i get along with kanye. i get along with a lot of people, frankly. but kanye looks and he sees black unemployment at the lowest it's been in the history of our country. - have republicans done a bad job ignoring the black community up until now?
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- you know, i think it was just a custom. uh, people don't realize, you know, if you go back to the civil war, it was the republicans that really did the thing. lincoln was a republican. - republicans did the thing? [laughter] trump would make a dope history teacher. it would be so easy to pass. "class, what was the turning point in the civil war?" uh, the thing? "a plus!" like, he's the first sober person i've heard doing drunk history. that's amazing. now, this interview was so long and incoherent and rambling that even trump's friends on "fox and friends" became uncomfortable, and you could tell by the looks on their faces. - that i will not be involved with the justice department. i will wait till this is over. it's a total-- uh, it's all lies. - all right. - it's an absolute disgrace. and by the way... - i want to ask you-- - no, no, but think of it. with their loss of the electoral college, that they should never lose,
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because the electoral college is set up... 700,000 from a group... years to approve them. years. - but-- - we have judges that are... you would think that these guys would treat me great. i made them a fortune, so-- but they treat me horribly. - okay. - and certain people say, "you're still looking good, mr. president." - all right. right. okay. - there is no collusion with me. - all right. - right. - i would rather have the popular vote because it's-- to me, it's much easier to win... - it's a--yeah, it's a totally different set of goals, as opposed to electoral college. - but we have an electoral college. - right. - i got 306 and she got what? 223. so remember... - right. - there was no way to break 270. i heard that on cbs and nbc and abc-- they're all fake news. - well, mist-- - i heard that for so long. - right. - at cnn. - let's talk about-- - better than people think-- - mr. president, the--right. we could talk to you all day, but it looks like you have a million things to do. - [laughing] [cheers and applause]
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oh, man! oh! oh, wow. i can safely say that i've never seen a news anchor try to bail on an interview with the president of the united states. like, how is it that he's the commander in chief, but it's the couch people who have better things to do? we--we'd love to keep chatting, but there's a video of a dog skateboarding that we have to get to, mr. president, good-bye. like, i never thought i'd say this, but i actually almost feel bad for "fox and friends." because if you're at a party and some boring-ass dude wouldn't stop talking to you, you could just be like, "uh, i have to go get a drink." but these poor guys are on live television. the only excuse they could come up with was that trump probably had important things to do. when it was pretty clear that he absolutely did not. he was like, "no, i actually have the whole day free. after all, it's melania's birthday." we'll be right back. hey, what do you guys want to listen to? ooh, hip-hop. reggaeton. edm. what about bubble trance? bubble what? bubble trance, it's a thing.
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my point is everyone's got different taste. that's why verizon lets you mix and match your family unlimited plan so everyone gets the plan they want, without paying for things they don't. and right now, the whole family can get six months of free apple music on verizon. oh. so let's play that reggaeton. old school reggaeton, not the new stuff. (announcer) get 45 million songs with six months free apple music on us. only on verizon. switch now and get $300 off our latest phones. we hide hotel names, so you can find four star hotels at two star prices. h-o-t-w-i-r-e (e-e-e-e) ♪ it tastes mighty fine beer! ♪ specially on nights that are mellow ♪ ♪ yes, we like beeeeeerrrr! "friends go together, like chips and salsa." that man... ...was me.
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i said that! no i said it. you're right, you did. i get us mixed up. get together already, with tostitos. it'll be a hell of a ride. moon. it's a job so difficult, we're gonna have to start from scratch. we need to fail down here so we don't fail up there. this isn't just another trip, neil. we have serious problems. do you think you're coming back? five... four... three... two... first man. rated pg-13. rewards me basically so why am i hosting a dental convention after party in my vegas suite? because lets me do me. who wants to floss me? you do you and get rewarded.
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which is much better than awith previous idea we had:r. gum that's just bursting.
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(explosions) ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! (screaming to stop) (screaming for help) trident. bursting with more flavor. much better idea. [hip-hop music] [eerie music] ♪ - it came out last week that trump's personal lawyer, michael cohen, who is now in deep federal investigation shit, only had three clients in the past year. all right, the president, who cohen helped to pay off a porn star that he had an affair with. his second client, a major gop fundraiser named elliott broidy, who cohen also helped to pay off a playmate that he had an affair with. all right, and then michael cohen had one more client. all right, out of 7 billion people-- 7 billion people, who could have wanted to join this club
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and use michael cohen as a lawyer last year? only one other person did. and this person's identity was a complete mystery until today. - this is cnn breaking news. - we are now getting word the lawyer for the president, michael cohen has just disclosed in court that the client who had requested to remain unnamed was sean hannity of fox news. - thank you. [laughter and applause] thank you. [cheers and applause] yeah, it turns out, michael cohen's secret client was sean hannity, which, i'm sorry, is not a good look. you know right now, sean hannity's probably on the phone with his wife like, "hey, honey, "it's so weird how i used the guy who pays off mistresses "to get me out of that parking ticket. "[laughs] it's funny, right? hello? hello? hello?" just think about how une--how unethical this is for a moment. right, hannity has been reporting on this michael cohen
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story from the beginning-- from the beginning, but he conveniently never mentioned that cohen was his guy. and i'll tell you what else. i'll tell you what else. once you know that hannity has personal skin in the game, like with cohen, it's fun to go back and look at everything he said about the fbi raid because now we can see that hannity wasn't just mad, he was scared. - president trump's longtime personal attorney michael cohen just had his office, his home, and his hotel that he was staying in raided by the fbi today. this is an unprecedented abuse of power. cohen's payment is a perfectly legitimate business move. mueller's witch hunt investigation is now a runaway train careening off the track. spinning out of control. if you voted for donald trump, you better get buckled up 'cause this is gonna be a rough ride. - you know, now that we know he was working with cohen, that looks less like a news show and more like a guy really stressed, giving himself a pep talk. he's just like, "come on, we gotta get buckled up. "this is gonna be a rough ride. hoo-ha! [sniffs] ahh!" - tonight, from washington, no one else is talking about sean hannity today,
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but he's here any-- [laughs] anyway. i'm really glad to see you. hey, sean. - is there any news? anything happening? - [laughing] - all right, thanks, tucker. - i'm just-- say this. i--you're like my brother, but i'm glad, for like a millisecond, the heat's off me and on you. okay, so i'm--i'm feeling-- - oh, i appreciate that. - you know, it says a lot about your news network when all of your top anchors are playing scandal tag. it's like, "i made fun of the parkland kids. tag, you're it! i'm out! thank god!" now, what people are really wondering is this: whatever legal advice was, why didn't hannity get it from his regular attorney? right, instead of turning to a guy who's specifically known for paying off mistresses? why did he go to him? but according to hannity, "baby, this is not what it looks like." - to be absolutely clear, they never involved any matter, any-- sorry to disappoint so many, matter between me, or third party, a third group at all. and are my questions exclusively almost focused on real estate?
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- wow, he really slipped in the "almost" there. did you hear it? yeah, it was super quick. it was super quick. he was like, "all my questions to michael cohen "were exclusively, almost, real estate. "exclusively almost. exclusively almost." yeah, he sounds like the voice at the end of those medical ads. zernax is exclusively almost side effect free. exclusively almost. you can't say "exclusively almost." "exclusively almost" is the kind of phrase that makes people ask more questions. if someone tells you that they exclusively almost have sex with adults, you're not hiring them to babysit your kids. that's not what you're thinking of right now. but okay, fine. okay, fine. hannity claims he was just getting some informal real estate advice from michael cohen, which makes what he said a few hours earlier on his radio show all the more confusing. - okay, okay, okay, whoa. no, no. whoa. whoa. okay, wait, so he's not your lawyer? all you had was a few chitchats about real estate, but you definitely wanted attorney-client privilege. yeah, you definitely want that.
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what the [...] did you bury under that house? no, i'm just saying, i've had a lot of conversations about real estate. at the end of it i never went, "this never happened." what hannity did was so shady, even when he tried to talk about other things on his show, his own guests had to call him out. and please, do enjoy. - a foreign national using, uh, russian sources, of all things, to get it. is that a crime in alan dershowitz's book? - well, first of all, sean, i do want to say that i really think that you should've disclosed your relationship with, uh, cohen when you talked about him on this show. i think it would've been much, much better had you disclosed that relationship. you were in a difficult situation, obviously. - if you understand the nature of it, professor, i'm gonna deal with this later in the show-- - no, i understand. - it was minimal. i put out a statement about it. - you should've said that. and that would've been fair to say. - it was such a minor relationship in terms of... - you should've said that. - you--you should've said that. you--you should've said that. [eerie music]
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♪ - i beseech our american lawmakers from congress and senate to stop slinging mud across the aisle and come up with a bipartisan solution to an obvious epidemic of gun violence and mass shooting in america. - i think, uh, that last kid is very relatable. i too do not wish to be shot in the [bleep] face. yeah. wherever malala is right now, she's like, "that's what i've been saying, yeah. we're all on the same page." now, most people who see those kids are impressed by how articulate they are and they're inspired by their passion. other people, like ex-congressman and paid cnn contributor jack kingston, they think it's suspicious that these kids say they don't want to be shot in the face.
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- i think it's a horrible tragedy and i am heartbroken, but i also know that their sorrow can very easily be hijacked by left wing groups... - but do you think it has been? - who have an agenda. i-i--well, let's ask ourselves, do we really think that-- and i say this sincerely, do we really think 17-year-olds on their own are gonna plan a nationwide rally? - i say this sincerely, get the [bleep] out of here, man. really? really? [cheers and applause] you think-- you think adults can convince teenagers to do something they don't wanna do? really? like, you think these kids were actually pro-gun, and then, what, george soros showed up and he was like, "who wants skittles? yeah!" you're shocked that these kids can plan a few events? like, if this guy had even seen one movie about high school, he would know that planning rallies is at least 30% of being a teenager, right. yeah, the other 70% is falling in love with vampires.
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that's all it basically is. now, some pro-gun advocates are taking the opposite approach, right. they do believe that these kids are acting without adult supervision, and for them, that's exactly the problem. - the media's focused more on a teenager's expertise in supply-side control measures for guns, which, tucker, let's be candid: they probably have not studied a very complicated, layered issue. - yeah, you know what? yeah, you're right. these kids may not be professors in guns, but maybe being in a mass shooting gets you an honorary degree, yeah? maybe? just maybe? [applause] like... you do realize-- you do realize that if people weren't allowed to share their opinions, unless they'd studied the issue, then donald trump would never be allowed to speak. right? [eerie music] [high-pitched tone, coughing] - [grunting] okay... - breathe. work your core! - [straining] - come on.


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