tv The Daily Show Comedy Central October 15, 2019 1:40am-2:15am PDT
- you did it, stan. - thanks a lot, stan. now we're gonna be able to keep the youth center. - well, that does it. looks like the spirits of the wakichaw indians can finally rest in peace. all: thank you, stan. - stan, i was wrong about you. would you like to go out again? - go ahead, stan, she's everything you ever wanted. - there you are, boys. - mom, dad. - where the hell have you guys been? - we got a little held up at the time-share sales office. - yeah, but the good news is, we finally came to our senses and brought some shares in a condo. so we all get to come to aspen for two weeks every year. all: aww. - what's the matter, didn't you boys like skiing? - no, we can't keep track of when you pizza and when you french fries. and when the hotshot asshole skier takes your girl, if you're supposed to race him the first time, or train first to beat him on the really difficult mountain so you can save the dorky, but hot girl's youth center. skiing sucks! - yeah, what a stupid sport.
- i heard that you were the one responsible for making tad lose the race. thanks. - yeah, well, he really flipped when he saw these. - uhhhgg... - start the reactor. - ♪ talking away ♪ i don't know what i'm to say ♪ ♪ i'll say it anyway ♪ today's another day to find you ♪ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause )
>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you for coming out! wow! let's do it! let's make a show! i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight is a deejay and a producer from a little country called south africa, black coffee is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) going to be a fun conversation. also on tonight's show, trump's plan in the middle east backfires, neil brennan explains how to take america back, and we find out which profession has the most sex. let's catch up on today's headlines. let's begin in the world of man on this running. most just run so they can brag to their friends about running marathons. though that's not why i run them. i do it for the tiny cups of
water. anyway, one man ran straight into the record books. >> in vienna austria a runner from kenya made history going the distance for two hours for the first time. >> 59 minutes and 40 seconds but it won't be counted as a new world record because it wasn't an official race. all of it stage nangd forensic detail, a special chosen flat six mile circuit in vienna. the runner wore white nyc vapor flies and there were three dozen pacers, some of the world's best marathoners who took turns pounding the grueling pace in formation. >> trevor: wow, that is amazing. elliott ran a marathon in less than two hours, which was thought to be physically impossible. you know this guy's a freak athlete because he kept running after he crossed the finish line. that wasn't safe. usually after they finish the
marathon, they're like, i did it! and this guy is, like, good warm up! now for the race! ( laughter ) i love how some people are saying the only reason he broke this record is he had on special nike running shoes. why don't you get the shoes and tell me how fast your time is. we'll wait. go get the shoes. ( applause ) can't give the shoes the credit. if anything, him being kenyon is the cheating part. that's being fair. he's more, like, oh, my god we're in kenya, we're going to win! moving on, having a baby changes your life. you have to take care of it for 18 years orin till maury tells you you're not the father. and great amounts of paperwork. >> bringing home baby can be overwhelm bug now expectant couples are creating baby pre-nups or contracts to help
ease the stress. >> a baby pre-nup is made between two parents where they know what their roles will look like, what their duties will be like once the baby arrives so there's no surprises. >> we signed the documents with some witnesses. we included grandchild and grandparent access as well as financial implications. >> trevor: yes, the newest fad in white people child rearing is baby pre-nups. ( laughter ) and look, i'm just going to put it out there. if you need your partner to sign a pre-nup that they're going to help you raise the kid, maybe you don't want to raise the kid with that person because how are you going to enforce that? you're going to come home, hey, did you feed the kid? no, then i'll see you in court! it's too stressful to become friends with couples with waibies. first showers, then gender reveal parties, now i've got to be a witness to your pre-nup signing? if i wanted to be this big a part of your baby's life, i
should have a say in which you should have one. hey, trevor, should we have a baby? i have a career right now, i can't be friends with people with babies, sorry. babies should sign pre-nups. they should make guarantees. before they come out, they should put in writing what they will or won't do. you only kree between 4:00 and 5:00 a.m., not the whole night. you will only shit yourself this many times in a day. it would be greatto a contract. when the baby is losing its mind at 2:00 a.m., it within like waaa-waaa! here's the contract. ( laughter ) >> guess who's having a field day in the sheets. farmers have the most sex of any other profession, on average having sex at least once a day. 67% of them rate their performance as incredible. sex experts say it's because farmers are likely to be more
fit than desk-bound city dwellers and have more stamina. farmers were closely followed by architects and hair dressers for having the most sex. at the bottom of the list, journalists. ( audience reacts ) ( applause ) >> trevor: yeah, that's right. apparently, of all the professions, farmers have the most sex, and journalists have the least. which doesn't shock me, all right. in this era, journalists don't have time to be having sex because trump is always breaking news. i bet every time journalists try and set the mood, they will be at home lighting candles, baby, it's time -- i have been likely trying to build this wall! goddam it, he did it again! ( laughter ) as for the farmers, of course, they have a lot of sex. farming is a sexy profession. all day long what do they do -- plowing, huh? planting seeds, growing
eggplants. ( laughter ) watering vagina trees. yeah. ( laughter ) although they didn't say farmers were having sex with people. they just said they had the most sex. all i'm saying the scarecrows don't need to have mouths. that's all i'm saying. that's it for the headlines. let's move on to our top story. ( cheers and applause ) it's now been three weeks since the democrats began an official impeachment inquiry into president trump's dealings with ukraine, and since then things isn't only gotten worse for trump, they've gotten worse for rudy giuliani, trump's personal attorney and man who celebrates halloween all year around because, since the scandal broke, law enforcement has started looking into rudy's world, and turns out some his acquaintances are really shady. >> good evening, everyone, the arrests of two associates of trump lawyer rudy giuliani on campaign finance violations may be shedding new light tonight on
foreign efforts to influence american politics. the two men arrested a at at dus airport for drawing ukraine spool investigating joe biden. >> trevor: this is crazy, rudy giuliani has friends? i didn't see that coming. ( laughter ) this is random, but do people who look like criminals become criminals or do people who become criminals start to look like criminals? ( applause ) i genuinely wonder that. because these are the two shadiest looking dudes i have ever seen. it's almost, like, hey, f.b.i., why did you think these guys are criminals? uh, basically, we looked at them and that's how we cracked the case. aside from being born with resting bug shot face, probably the biggest flag for these guys is they were buying a one-way
ticket out of the country, always suspicious. the only people who buy one-way tickets are criminals and skydivers, that's it. and it must have been likely embarrassing as well being arrested at an airport in front of all the passengers. the only silver lining is if you were arrested and about to fly on spirit airlines. if you're lucky, they are l arrest you at the gate. it turns out their boss has also drawn the attention of the f.b.i. >> we have breaking news tonight, pertaining to the president's lawyer and sidekick rudy giuliani. the feds are investigating whether president trump's lawyer rudy giuliani broke lobbying laws in his dealings in ukraine. >> the president appearing to distance himself from his own attorney at the white house. >> (inaudible). >> well, i don't know, i haven't spoken to rude. i spoke to him yesterday briefly.
he's a very good attorney and he has been my attorney -- >> trevor: whoa, whoa, whoa, wait? i haven't spoken to rudy? i spoke to him yesterday? donald trump is all the over the place. we haven't spoken to rudies. we speak to rudies all the time! all the time! he calls ukraine to get the information. in a normal administration, the impeachment inquiry would be enough drama but the trump presidency is a black friday sale. while all this impeachment stuff is tearing america apart, last week he made an adisrupt decision to pull troops from syria. everyone was slammed. well now its turns out the thing everyone warned trump would happen is happening.
>> this morning chaos in syria as president trump orders all remaining u.s. forces to leave the north of the country. turkish forces hammering america's kurdish allies with the help of radical militias. ease cay light violence forcing 100,000 people from their homes. turkey's artillery exploding 250 yards from an american special forces post on the border. >> it appears turkey used alleged terrorists as shock troops against u.s. allies the kurds unthey will collapsed and that did to call on president assad to be their savior. amid this chaos, i.s.i.s. is trying to regroup. hundreds of i.s.i.s. members and supporters have broken free of detention camp. >> trevor: sweet jesus. donald trump is the only way to find a person -- is the only person who can find a way to make the middle east more chaotic. the middle east was already a geopolitical jen cay tower with
everybody trying to figure out the right move and trump comes in and says, why don't we move the whole table? trump justified his decision to pull out of syria by saying this is part of his larger plan to bring american troops back home. and that makes sense. what doesn't make sense is that home seems to be another country in the middle east. >> as u.s. troops have been pulled back from the border area of northern syria, president trump is sending an additional 2800 americans to saudi arabia. the pentagon deploying fighter squadrons and two patriot batteries and other aircraft to bolster saudi defenses, in response to last month's attacks on saudi oil facilities the white house blamed on iran. >> we are sending troops and other things to the middle east to help saudi arabia, but -- are you ready? -- saudi arabia, at my ask has agreed to pay us for everything we're doing. that's a first! >> trevor: yeah.
yeah, he's right. that is a first. i don't think america has ever rented out its military before. like, that is a wild thing. he's selling the military and other things. what are the other things? does anybody ask? did he, like, sneak eric into the shipment? he's, like, you take this and eric -- dad, why am i -- shut up, eric, go now! ( laughter ) if i was mexico, i would raise a bunch of money and hire america to do a 'do coo on itself. mr. president, our military is taking over the white house! i know it and who's going to pay for it? mexico! ( cheers and applause ) so trump says he's done with the middle east but in the same breath he says he's sending new troops to the middle east which is really confusing. to clear things up, we go to senior war correspondent reporting live from the middle east, desi lydic, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) desi, this administration seems
to have mixed messages about america's role in the middle east. >> there's only one messagively getting trevor and it's dear world, america first, prayer hands emoji, bald eagle emoji, america. president trump is just fulfilling his promise to pull troops out of the middle east. you know what? it's refreshing. a lot of men say they'll pull out but they don't! fool me once, shame on you. fool me seven times, i have seven kids now. >> trevor: but desi, even though this is one of trump's promises, you have to admit his decision has turned the middle east into a total shit show. >> trevor, the middle east has always been a shit show. it's like a waffle house after 1:00 a.m. it's not america's job to get involved. you have the kurds, the turks. it's such a nuanced, so complicated situation. it's not something america can solve. >> trevor: but if that's america's position, why send thousands of troops to saudi arabia? >> because, trevor, it's the middle east.
it's america's job to get involved! yeah, it has so much potential. like a waffle house at 8:00 a.m. you have sunni muslims fighting, shia muslims. it's a very nuanced, complicated situation that only america can solve. >> trevor: desi, it seems to me like trump is simultaneously pushing isolationists and interventionist policies in the middle east. >> what? no! no, no, no, no, no! that's crazy! it's like being a person that's black and white at the same time. it's impossible! >> trevor: well, actually, that's not impossible, desi. >> see, trevor, here's what you need to understand -- trump promised to get america out of the middle east, which he's done in syria, and, now, by going into saudi arabia, he has another opportunity to pull america's troops out of the middle east, delivering on his promise twice because you can't pull them out if you don't keep
thrusting them back in again and again and again and again and again! >> trevor: thank you, desi. >> and again and -- >> trevor: desi lydic, everyone, we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) it still doesn't make sense. ♪ halloween is awesome. [trick or treat] yes, yes, yes, yes. [screaming in fear] yay. [laughter]
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>> trevor: beck welcome back to "the daily show." donald j. trump has shaken washington to its core by refusing to recognize the power of congress to impeach him. donald trump has the confidence of a white woman pulled over by the cops. ma'am, i need to see your license. well, i need so see you get out of my face and give me your badge number, mister! ( laughter ) the question, is why does the president think he can get away with this? ( cheers and applause ) everyone's perplexed. why doesn't trump seem to respect any of america's institutions? >> i'll tell you why, buddy, because trump doesn't think he got elected. trump thinks he bought america, and now our whole country is just some business he owns. it's why he doesn't understand all these investigations.
imagine if you bought a quiznos, then a week later find out you're being impeached by the guy who spreads the mayonnaise. ( laughter ) >> trevor: come on, i know trump is extreme, but there's no way he thinks you can buy a country. >> dude, he tried to buy greenland eight weeks ago, and it wasn't even for sale! ( cheers and applause ) he's just so out of his mind that he looks at the globe the way the rest of us look at zillow. i'm telling you, trump doesn't think he works for america. he thinks he owns it. listen to how he talks. >> my generals and my military -- my economy is phenomenal. and i told my guys at n.a.s.a. -- all i know is i want to put my miners back to work. i love my farmers. look at my african-american over here, look at him! ( audience reacts ) >> wow! the last president to say "look
at my african-american" was thomas jefferson on a date. ( audience reacts ) ( laughter ) >> trevor: okay, so trump thinks he bought america, and that explains all of his behavior? >> now you're getting it, my african-american. >> trevor: i'm just african. but yeah. >> trevor, trump thinks everyone in the country works for him. it's why he's sending his attorney general around the world to focus on his personal vendettas. trump thinks the attorney general is general hi -- generas attorney. i bet when he met the secretary of transportation he said, you call my ubers? ( laughter ) >> trevor: it doesn't explain his advice on turkey and syria. >> it completely explains it. from trump's point of view, why is my military in syria? i'm not in syria. i'm in america. and that's where we want the
military, in america doing two things, having big beautiful parade and block mexicans and the border like a camouflaged hodor. ( laughter ) >> trevor: so this is how trump sees everything? >> yeah, man! it's why he hates the press so much. he's, like, why is the white house press corps talking shit about the white house? to him, it's a betrayal. it would be like if you hired a deejay for your wedding and when you and your wife came in, he's like, chris and jennifer, probably not going to make it! 18 months tops! ( laughter ) >> trevor: all right, so, if trump thinks he bought america, is there anything the people can do? >> yes. but we'll have to turn to america's most reliable institution -- kickstarter. ( laughter ) we pool our money and buy america back from donald trump. >> trevor: dude, that is going to cost -- like that is so much
money. how do people afford that? ( applause ) >> here's the good news, buddy, if america truly is a trump property, eventually it's going to plummet in value and we can buy it back for pennies on the dollar. bad news, there's going to be k.f.c. buckets and spray tan juice everywhere. >> trevor: neil brennan, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and app the proud son of an immigrant father... jon hernandez found his own path...
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>> thank you. >> trevor: deejay black coffee. >> yes, sir. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: you know what? it's truly, truly, truly one of my pleasures to have you on the show because you have taken the world by storm. i remember when you first blew up in south africa, everyone was black coffee, black coffee, black coffee, black coffee! and i was, like, who is he? is it a cough a, a new drink? they're going, no, he's a deejay and he's huge. then you went from south africa and you went into the world and you've taken it by storm. why do you think you have blown up as much as you have all over the world? >> man, it's resilience, you know, it's knowing hunger and knowing that you have experienced it and you don't want to go back there. >> trevor: wow. >> and that is what has kept me
going, that has what has gotten me to where i am today. >> trevor: i remember at coachella, i was so excited when i saw your name on the list of artists performing. we went to the tent you were playing in and the whole tent was -- i mean, you had like a thousand people bouncing together. it was africa in the middle of california, black, white, everyone dancing to your music. >> that's what i love. >> trevor: no, it was really beautiful. you've done something really special for me, though, my opinion, and that is you have taken the success of your music and used it to inspire a new generation in south africa. you started a project where you are building a school but, i think more impressive, you are building a neighborhood. >> yeah. >> trevor: what is that about and why? >> we tried to change the narrative on the continent where maybe it is our fault where we always are seeing africa as an inferior place.
all the best things are on tv, which means that we're here in america or in europe. >> trevor: right. >> and it took away so much from the continent, and we're trying to reverse that and create a space in africa that will inspire africans to want to stained create a future ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: right. that's powerful. you have this initiative, and it's called africa is not a jungle. >> yeah. >> trevor: what i love about it is you say it's about africans creating for africans and not always looking to europe to create for them. >> yes, sir. >> trevor: what do you hope to achieve with the music around the world? because i've always been intrigued by the message you have when you're playing your music. we see you collaborating with people like drake, we see people like usher. we see artists who you wouldn't even associate with this genre saying, no, i love black coffee because of his message and how it pertains to music as an art form. what are you trying to accomplish all over the world
with your music? >> africa is a voice and, over the years, i feel like that voice has diminished because of how the world has painted the continent. you know, one of the things that used to happen to me when i get bookings back in the day, they would want to put bongos and african masks on the flier, because i am from africa. >> trevor: right, we all wear masks and have bongos. ( laughter ) >> it's something we real will you fought for from the beginning saying we want to play on the global stage. >> trevor: right. >> you can you know, which is what you're doing. >> trevor: right, right, right. >> i would like pore the world to see that voice, i would like for the world to know that we are capable to be on the world stage. this is why i continue to try to collaborate with the greatest artists, being from africa and still keeping the sound that i believe in. >> trevor: right.
>> because we have that voice. you know, so i'm trying to create different platforms that will showcase that, not just conversations but with action. >> trevor: you're doing it every single day, my friend. thank you so much for being on the know "the daily show." the single "la la la" with usher is available now. you will want to follow this man black coffee, everybody. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ you need to take care of yourself better. i didn't know you cared. i just don't want you to drop dead in front of the customers. i thought we could go for a walk together. to be honest you're not really not my type. are elves always so cynical? these are dark times. last christmas i got really ill. so, ah tell me about your diet. alcohol? once in a while. -she's drinking like the pirate. i'm a mess. i can't do anything. being human is hard. just be you. [ screaming ] i did that just incase you thought i was too perfect. ♪ c'mom and say it now.
herebuy a bunch of reese's.ck. (uh huh, there you go) turn off all the lights in your house. (yeah yeah) ( trick or treat!) and then just don't answer the door. not sorry, reese's. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. don't forget, tomorrow night, "the daily show" is going live for the democratic primary debates. you want to tune in right after the debate. we will be live. now here it is, your moment of zen.