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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  November 12, 2019 1:40am-2:15am PST

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well, let's begin, shall we ? and now you will remember nothing except that the planet-arium is the best thing you've ever known. well, well, well, you guys can all kiss my ass because i was on television ! hey, i was on television ! you missed it ! because of this stupid planetarium ! planetariums suck ass ! ughhhhh ! you saved us. what are you talking about ? untie us !
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you saved the day, okay ? not so fast there, tubby, i'm just taking care of business. think hard, elvis, you're not the king of rock and roll. you're a fat stupid worthless policeman in a small town. thank you from a fate worse than death ! oh my god ! dr. adams ! he got a full dose of the stars. with nobody around to say anything. can you imagine it ? a mind emptied by that thing. wow, what a day ! i was on tv, and i'm a hero ! don't pick your nose, hon ! godammit, ma ! i wasn't picking it ! ♪ i love "cheesy poofs" ♪ ♪ you love "cheesy poofs" ♪ if we didn't eat "cheesy poofs" ♪ ♪ we'd be ... lame.
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from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. and thank you for coming out. wow! this is amazing! i'm trevor noah! tonight, we have two guests joining us on the show -- first, one of the democrats who will be leading impeachment hearings this week, congressman jim himes
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is joining us! then you know her from "pitch perfect," she's here with a new movie for disney plus -- anna kendrick is here! ( cheers and applause ) also on tonight's episode, dead people are sending texts, gender reveals are getting more dangerous and the billionaire who wants to buy the white house. so let's catch up on today's headlines. today is veterans day, a day when many take a moment to celebrate heroes who have put their lives on the line to fight for their country. but for those actively serving, another reason to celebrate. >> the marines are ending their two-year ban on umbrellas. all marines will be able to carry umbrellas while wearing dress or service uniforms, must be small, black and carried in the left hand to allow for a proper salute. >> trevor: the marines can now o umbrellas rule for the marines. makes sense, because if you have an umbrella and you're a marine
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and it flips inside out you've gone from bad-ass to mr. bean. no cool there. imagine brave heart holding an umbrella, they can take our lives! but if my hair gets wet, it turns into a an afro! ( laughter ) adding umbrellas will be great tactical thing for the marines because they can mary poppins their way into an airsine. commander, we are getting attacked or a new nanny, either way, it's going to be bad! ( laughter ) let's move on to the fad sweeping the nation for the last few years, gender reveal parties. every day they're getting crazier and crazier. explosions, alligators, shooting sound waves into a woman's belly to see if there's a penis. it's crazy? one gender reveal in texas might have finally gone too far. >> the excited parents to be on
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the ground as the plane approaches. a crop dusting plane dropping 350 gallons of pink water, it's a girl! but minutes later -- >> i have a plane crash just north of brian buchanan's place. it all goes terribly wrong, crashing into this mangled piece of metal. it was carrying two people but only designed for one. >> trevor: wow. that seemed more like a pilot reveal party. guess what, guys? i'm actually not a pilot! ( laughter ) or maybe this was the parents revealing the baby was an accident maybe that was the whole thing. i'm actually glad everybody survived because that is wild. can we agree on something, these gender reveals, you know you've gone too far if your gender reveal planning sam sounds the e as an i.s.i.s. plot. all right, we need gunpowder and
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an airplane, that's what we need! ( laughter ) seriously, it's getting out of hand. i remember back in the day when gender reveal just meant some guy in a park would walk up in a trench coat and reveal his gender to you. those were simpler times. so simple, so simple! ( applause ) and finally, in technology news, if you got dumped this year because your exsaid you didn't communicate enough, it might not have been your fault. >> if you received a mysterious text message this week from someone unexpected you are not alone. this happened to a lot of people yesterday. they reported they received messages that appeared to have originally been sent on or around valentine's day this year. one person tweeted, so at 2:30 this morning, my phone decided to send a text to my exgirlfriend from nine months ago. she made this really sweet video of us for valentine's day. she thought i didn't respond so that led to, among other things, a ruined holiday.
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so, you know, that's how today is going. ( laughter ) >> trevor: man, this story is crazy. apparently a bunch of text messages sent on vanl teens day only got to people's phones now. it's a huge glitch that affected thousands of people. nobody knew about it, and now it's in the news. and i bet a lot of guys are using this as an excuse. ( laughter ) like, wait, wait, you didn't get that giant bouquet and that diamond necklace i texted you? at&t, man! at&t! ( applause ) but, yeah, a bunch of valentines texts didn't go through, and it successucks. but i'll be honest, if your relationship ended over a missed text you dodged a bullet. texting is supposed to be casual. it's not about an immediate respofnlts old people still send letters in the mail. dearest gertrude, i can't wait
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to tap that tight bran muffin of yours, respectfully harold. ( laughter ) the craziest part of the story, completely true, is some people got text messages from some poem who have since died. yeah, that has got to be the most awkward booty call ever. can you imagine, you up? you're like, are you up?! ( laughter ) all right, that's it for the headlines. let's move on to our top story. ( cheers and applause ) we're now just 357 days away from the 2020 presidential election, and, yet, there are still a ton of democrats in this race. ( laughter ) i mean, look at all those faces! look at all those faces! thdespite the crowded field, another big name is preparing to jump into the race.
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let's catch up in the latest developments in our ongoing segment world war d. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: right now the democratic party has an option for everyone. there's moderates, there's progressives, there's x-men and there's a guy worth $1.6 billion. but what if $1.6 billion just isn't rich enough for some voters? well then those people might be in luck. >> the democratic race for president heating up this morning, former new york city mayor and billionaire business man michael bloomberg filing papers to get in the alabama primary. >> bloomberg wants to keep his options open and make sure president trump is defeated in 2020. his spokesman telling nbc news, mike is increasingly concerned the current field of candidates is not well positioned to do that. >> i have any reservations about
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the people running and the way they're campaigning and the promises they're making that they can't fulfill and they're unwillingness to really admit what is possible and what isn't. >> trevor: yes, michael bloomberg, former new york city mayor and world's richest house elf is on the verge of jumping into the democratic primary because he doesn't think any of the current candidates can beat trump. you have to admit, that's such a billionaire thing to do. if a normal person is worried about someone's incompetence, what do we do? we just hope for the best. i don't think this pilot can land the plane. i'll pray and text the family. hope they get the text before valentine's day! laugh will have we just have to hope. meanwhile, a billionaire is, like, i just bought the plane and fired the pilot, now i'll land it myself. do you know how to fly a plane? i can figure it out, i'm very rich. ( laughter ) why do billionaires always do
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this? look at bruce wayne, gotham's crime is out of control. instead of complaining, he's, like, alfred, build me a car that shoots grenades, i'll just do this myself! ( laughter ) ( applause ) so billionaire michael bloomberg may be making a fashionably late entrance into the presidential race and his fellow democrats aren't exactly giving him a warm welcome. >> i think mike is expressing concern about this primary field and he should not have concern. >> this is a stark difference between someone who can come in and plop down checks and buy ads, i think people will see to it. >> i think our elections should not be something bought by billionaires. >> so tonight we say to michael bloomberg and other billionaires, sorry, you ain't gonna buy this election! ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, man! i love bernie sanders. he does not mess around. you see that?
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he's shutting down bloomberg the way popeyes is going to be shutting down racists -- sorry! you ain't gonna buy this spicey stand witch if you say the n-word! i see what bernie and other democrats are saying, it isn't that he has a popular ground swell of support, it's that he has $53 billion to spend. be that amount -- with that amount of money, bloomberg could clone different versions of himself dill until he finds the most electable one. how about a tall bloomberg? or how about a buff bloomberg? what about a black bloomberg? oh, no! now i have to stop and frisk myself! ( laughter ) and while the democrats are not thrilled that bloomberg has thrown his jockey cap into the ring, there's a republican billionaire who seems very happy about this. >> there is nobody i would rather run against than little michael. little michael will fail. he'll spend a lot of money, he's
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got some really big issues, he's got some personal problems, and he's got a lot of other problems, but i know michael bloomberg fairly well, not too well, fairly well, well enough he will not do very well. >> trevor: i know him not too well, fairly well, not too well, well enough -- what? ( cheers and applause ) what are you doing? you know what? it almost feels like donald trump tries to keep one foot out of the door on every friendship just in case that friend turns out to be a pedophile. i know him well unless he's touching kids, then i've never met him! ( laughter ) some people may wonder why bloomberg is only joining the race now. he told us many march he definitely wasn't running. so what changed his mind? well, maybe all he needed was a little push from another member of the .00001%. >> michael bloomberg, we know, taking steps to run for
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president. another billionaire reportedly giving him a little push, a little support. amazon's jeff bezos called bloomberg to personally urge him to run. >> trevor: wow. jeff bezos told bloomberg to run? you know you're rich when the amazon guy orders something from you! that's money! ( applause ) whatever you think of bloomberg, you have to admit it's not a great look for him and jeff bezos to team up on this presidential run. i mean, can you even imagine what it sounds like when two guys with a combined net worth of $160 billion hatch a plan together? can you just imagine what their phone call is like? the good news is you don't have to imagine because we managed to hack that call. >> michael it's the zos. i'm sick of democrats thinking us bill new year's have too much money. hold on for a second. 3 million! sorry, i'm buying another
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picasso for my bathroom, it's so much softer than toilet paper. >> you're right, we're not biggipiggybanks. i have to switch from my morning to my evening helicopter. >> my el bine to tiger is hungry for dodo meat. there you go, wolf gang. >> this is a big decision, i'll let you know my answer as illuminati bowling night. >> i have to schedule a funeral. >> who died? >> i haven't decided yet. ( maniacal laughter ) >> trevor: not good, folks. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) (vo) the flock blindly falls into formation.
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! my first guest is one of the top democrats on the house intelligence committee that is leading the impeachment choiry of president trump and his appearance this weekend on "meet the press" went viral. >> my head is only now de-combusting with tex change you had with rand paul. let's be very clear, the
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president of the united states demanding extorting a vulnerable country to do his political bidding to go after his opponent has nothing to do with joe biden executing the foreign policy of the united states or hillary clinton who is a private citizen doing opposition research on her presidential opponent. those are radically different things. >> trevor: please welcome connecticut congressman jim himes. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ welcome back to the show. the first public impeachment hearings are in a couple of days. the planning of this event, this is going to be huge, have you thought about getting the guy who says "let's get ready to rumble!" have you thought about that? >> i was working on getting anna kendrick to join us. that will improve our ratings. >> trevor: it is a really, really big moment, not just for congress but america as a whole. now, as we saw in that clip, you
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believe that donald trump has done something that is an impeachable offense. many democrats do. in fact more than half the country believes in impeachment. why do you think this was an impeachable offense? >> there's two things going on here that are impeachable. number one is a corrupt abuse of power and that's the different between donald trump that you just saw in that clip ex according to essentially a vulnerable foreign leader. as we speak the ukrainians are fighting the russians, and as he so gracefully put it, we want you to do us a favor, though. and, of course, at the same time, military aid is being held up and a meeting in the white house, which is a big deal for the new president of ukraine, is being held up. that has nothing to do with our foreign policy. it has everything to do with the personal political interests of the president of the united states, and i don't care if you're a republican or a democrat, that is not okay. the other piece of this, of course, is we have an ambassador and the american public is going to hear from her on friday. all three witnesses, dimple mats
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who are as sharp, patriotic serving under democratic and republican administrations over many years ago, veterans in some cases, who were fired. she was fired because some weird combination of rudy giuliani and shady folks in ukraine decide she wasn't on donald trump's team and that just can't happen. >> trevor: you say it's not okay and you specifically use the worked extortion. it's interesting because quid pro quo has been the term that everybody is using, but you're not a fan of that phrase. why? >> well, the main reason i'm not a fan of that phrase is -- and there's a reason why the republicans who, of course, have been throwing every variety of spaghetti against the wall to see what sticks -- focused on quid pro quo because quid pro quo system going to hand you a suitcase of money and in exchange you're going to do this for me. now, by the way, the chief of staff admitted that that existed, ambassador sondland in his revised testimony, after he refreshed his recollection, admitted that there was a quid pro quo. but the point is, if that's all you focus on, you miss the
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extortion. i mean, it's right out of the godfather when somebody in a position of immense power looks at somebody not in a position of immense power and says, i want you to do us a favor, though. look, the message is not missed. >> trevor: america's history with open hearings sha's shoarntion like with nixon, once the hearings were public, the swell of approval for the procedure soared because the president saw what the president was accused of. people now get their news from different sources. are you worried it could be one to have the things where hearings are happening but people who watch fox news and people who support trump get information that say, no nothing's happening, look the other way, or do you think this will shift the conversation more? >> the conversation shifted. when the ukraine broke, the numbers in the way americans thought about impeachment changed dramatic clirks almost a 20% swing.
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some 49% of the american public thinks the president should be impeached and removed. not true before the ukraine thing. that said, and here's what worries me, being elected to the one i hold or senators hold is a profound public trust and not just the president, it's to our system, it's to the constitution, it's to the resiliency of our democracy. and when lindsey graham or my republican colleagues do everything they can to make this sound okay, not just the ukraine stuff, this is the first president in history who before the election said he might not recognize the legitimacy of the election, he challenges judges and says the press is the enemy of the people, this erodes the cornerstone of democracy and where are me republican colleagues to say this is not okay? >> trevor: thanks for being on the show and good luck with the hearing. congressman simila jim himes, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my next guest is an academy award and tony nominated actor who stars in doe disney's new christmas comedy "noelle." ♪ missed the roof and hit the den ♪ ♪ fa la la la la la la la la-la ♪ >> thank you, santa's helpers. >> it's an example of what goes wrong using outdated technology. cousin nick crashed -- >> shouldn't you call my big brother santa. >> i just thought since we were family -- >> he's santa to you, to everyone, even himself. >> no, i'm pretty informal when i'm alone, just -- nick. >> trevor: welcome back to the show. anna kendrick! ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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welcome back to the show. >> i'm so happy to be here. >> trevor: congratulations on joining what many people believe is going to be the next behemoth in streaming disney plus with a brand-new movie some people say will be the next christmas classic. >> yes, i'm very smart. >> trevor: yes. >> i've made all the right moves. >> trevor: feels like you have. even the premise of the movie -- >> adorable, darling. >> trevor: it's genius because you play santa's daughter but basically the santa gets passed down from generation to generation. >> bill haider plays the next santa in line. >> trevor: right. >> he disappears because he's nervous he won't do a good job, and i have to what? go and save christmas. naturally. ( laughter ) why wouldn't i? why would i get things moving where i didn't have to save christmas? that's my job. >> trevor: do you get to meet cool disney, hang out with mickey. >> yeah. >> trevor: is it a secret party mickey hosts? >> i can't talk about that here.
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>> trevor: i shouldn't even have asked. you are doing something amazing in your career now which is not just acting or writing books, not just singing, not just being this all-around performer but you stepped around the camera as an executive producer on your products which has been really exciting. >> yeah, it's really exciting. it's nice to have a seat at the table and i also feel like, you know, like in so many things in life, it's a job that i have felt, frankly, that i have been doing on a lot of projects and i just haven't had the title. so it's been really, really exciting. >> trevor: but isn't it weird to be, like -- when you're acting the director is sort of your boss because you're the actor. then the director is your boss. but as the e.p. you're now the director's boss. >> yeah. >> trevor: it would be weird if the director gives you a note. >> i have been lucky so far where -- because sometimes you get on a project and two weeks in you're, like, this guy's an idiot, like, oh, no, what do i do? but so far anything that i have been a producer on, like, i have
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just such trust for the director. >> trevor: i think you should do a fake phone call, if that happens. >> actor anna need to speak with producer anna, this is isn't working out with the director. don't worry, babe, i'm going to get down there. you're a star. you're doing great. >> trevor: exactly, and you kill the game. >> yeah. >> trevor: do you ever see a world where you wouldn't be in front of the dam ray. >> trevor: i wouldn't want to see that world. but actors gravitate toward running everything. >> i could see that. >> trevor: no, i just said i don't want to see that. ( laughter ) >> i mean, it's less kind of hair extensions and all that kind of stuff. >> trevor: that makes sense. >> that would be a plus. i could wear hoodies again, that kind of thing. >> trevor: that makes sense. >> but i really like my job. if anything, i think for a long time i felt like really all i wanted to do was the acting part and i felt like there came a time when i was, like, oh, crap, like, again, like, so many
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things in life, you realize there aren't just grownups in the room, you know, you're the grownup and you're, like, oh, no! that means nobody knows what they're doing, that's such bad news! oh, no! because it would be great if there were kind of grownups that were more grownup than you are and there aren't. >> trevor: i like the idea that you're saying in the meeting out loud, oh, no, there are no grownups! >> none of you know what you're doing! why do i listen to any of you? >> trevor: that would be amazing. everything you're doing say mazing. disney plus is going to be huge just because it's disney. >> i agree. i have made the right move. >> trevor: you've made all the right moves. the christmas movie is coming out, noelle is your charge. is there anything else you want to tell us about because i just like chatting to you. >> i did want to say that i hope that the fact that between the scenes that is become like a whole (~bleep ) thing is something you're happy about and
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not, like, i have to do bonus interviews now because anna one time came on after in between the scenes and now it's like a thing. >> trevor: you're the only person who refused to listen to me when i said between the scenes is not a thing. >> so you're welcome. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you, anna. >> but i hope that's okay and not just more work for you. >> trevor: no, it's fine. >> i can tell in your eyes you kind of hate it. >> trevor: these are happy eyes. these are eyes who enjoy doing more work. >> no, trevor, no, no, no! >> trevor: i guess we'll do another between the scenes. "noelle" premieres november 12th on the new disney plus streaming service. anna kendrick. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ [alarm bell rings] ♪ bang bang, there goes my bang bang, ♪ ♪ i want my bang bang, i want my bang bang ♪ ♪ go bang bang ♪ there goes my bang bang, ♪ go bang bang, there goes my bazooka ♪
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♪ ♪ go bang bang, there goes my bang bang, ♪ ♪ i want my mind blown, i want my mind blown ♪ ♪ go bang bang, there goes my bazooka ♪
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has arrived. i'm truly amazed at the effect thathank you, bob!ple. (mom vo) it's easy to shrink into your own little world. especially these days. (dad) i think it's here. (mom vo) especially at this age. (big sis) where are we going? (mom vo) it's a big, beautiful world out there. (little sis) whoa... (big sis) wow. see that? (mom vo) sometimes you just need a little help seeing it. (vo) the three-row subaru ascent. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. subpoena ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show. thanks for tuning in. but first, here it is... your moment of zen. >> the rare celestial phenomenon is happening this morning. 7:35, mercury will pass from one
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