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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  November 26, 2019 1:40am-2:15am PST

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[ thinking ] what's the matter? afraid you wouldn't win? it's him. the bike parade was quite useful to me. you see, people will do anything to have fulfillment. they finally realized the only way to get it would be to all work for the fulfillment center. who would use a bike parade like some $20 hooker? kenny was right about you. you're a bad guy. oh, you mean your little socialist friend? yes, he's starting to rattle his sword, now, too. alexa, kill kenny. alexa: okay. i'll kill kenny for you. no! why are you doing this? don't you see i'm trying to help? before, there was war between classes, customers and workers at odds. all i've done is create the new class -- the consumer/worker. the future. right now, your parents, your teachers, everyone you know are showing up to work at the fulfillment center, and i'm afraid you are all going to lose the bike parade. randy: bezos! bezos!
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bezos! crowd: bezos! bezos! hello, bezos. you can take your fulfillment center and fulfill it right up your ass! you see, there's one thing you didn't count on, and that's tegridy. just look in the eyes of these people. everyone has tegridy now -- tegridy that you will never understand. we aren't just different classes of people anymore. we are a town. [ thinking ] are you all high? all: why do you ask that? jeff bezos: because i'm over here. oh. hang on... hold on. okay, i got it. anyways... you see, tegridy is something that can't be understood by big corporations. oh, they'll try to package tegridy, but only i can really package tegridy. i got more money now 'cause of tegridy.
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that's 'cause i figured out how to get tegridy to everyone. and that's -- now everyone is in this state of tegridy that's impenetrable. am i making sense? [ thinking ] no! the point is, nobody's coming to work for you. so you can take your whole plan and fulfill it somewhere else! [ cheering ] [ thinking ] damn you, tegridy! ♪ ice cold beer, down-home days ♪ ♪ country music and bike parades ♪ we got tegridy all around -♪ round -♪ round ♪ that's life livin' in our colorado town ♪ [ babies crying ] i guess they are offensive. ♪ we don't need nothin' from big corporations ♪ ♪ we don't need progress or fancy educations ♪ ♪ maybe our tegridy keeps us down ♪ -♪ down -♪ down ♪ but that's life livin' in our colorado town ♪ hey, mom. hi, dad. sure are, butters! ♪ now, we gotta learn to live without boxes every day ♪ ♪ we might wake up tomorrow and wonder why they went away ♪
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♪ guess you might call us a bunch of white trash hicks ♪ -♪ hicks -♪ hicks ♪ but at least we ain't suckin' no bezosian dicks ♪ tegridy weed. coming soon to a giant online retailer near you. >> and then what happened? >> they counted all the votes, and even though she got 3 million more, the orange man still got into the house. >> but how? >> the electoral college! ( screaming ) ( laughter ) >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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>> trevor: thank you so much for tuning in and thank you for coming out! welcome to "the daily show." happy halloween, everybody! let's do it! our guests tonight hillary rodham clinton and chelsea clinton are on the show, everybody! they have a new book. also on the show, the world is burning down, the white house is going to the dogs and donald trump is getting impeached. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, that's right! give it up for the dogs! let's catch up on today's headlines! ( cheers and applause ) let's begin with the most important news out of washington today -- the nationals have won the world series. >> the washington nationals took home their first world series last night with a riveting 6-2
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victory over the houston astros in game number 7. >> back in d.c. the fans celebrated in the rain. the one guy that ripped off his shirt -- >> yeah, and what are you feeling tonight? >> oh, my god! dad, i wish you were here! i love you so much! i know you're watching! go nats! >> amazing! tell me what your thoughts are about this world series win? >> i think this is huge for d.c.! d.c. needed this. we've got some asshole in the (~bleep ) white house right now! >> trevor: oh, wow! ( laughter ) yo, that is hilarious. d.c. is so liberal the drunk sportsman get involved. i wonder if there's a bar fight where, you stepped on my
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sneaker! i'm going to beat you like brown vs. the board of education! that's the face where you realize you didn't clear your browser history! ( screaming ) the man who ripped off his shirt and jumped in the dugout is my hero! wouldn't it be great if we could express ourselves? just rip up you are shirts at work, i'm getting a promotion, aaahhh! and your boss would be, like, i gave you the promotion, yeah! moving on, while last night washington celebrated together, this morning it was back to the fight. >> historic breaking news, the house of representatives in a near party line vote approving a resolution formalizing the impeachment inquiry into president trump and setting the stage for it to go public. >> today's resolution permits public hearings, allows staff attorneys to question witnesses, and enables the president or his counsel to participate in the proceedings. >> trevor: that's right, the house of representatives just took a big step toward
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impeaching president trump, and adam lowitand schiff was so hape off his shirt and did a body slam down the table. ( laughter ) before you get too excite, this is just a vote to define the rules of the process of impeachment. they still have to vote on impeachment. then vote on the rules for the impeachment trial, then they vote important to convict. by the time this is over, the democrats will march into the white house going, like, where is mr. trump? his term ended 20 years ago. we're so sorry to bother you kim kardashian. so sorry. goodbye. ( laughter ) congress impeaches presidents like white parents discipline their kids. young man if you don't listen i'm going to tell you again and if you don't i'm going to talk with your father and then we'll talk with our therapist. all the white kids grow up around the country. so maybe it's the right
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approach. i don't know. finally, we may not know how much longer trump will be in office, but if he makes it to next week he'll get a chance to meet a very good boy. >> the military dog wounded in the raid on al baghdadi is headed to the white house. president trump tweeting this photo shopped picture of the dog in the raid. the dog is supposed to be in washington sometime next week. >> trevor: conan the hero dog is headed to white house and that is going to be amazing. it might get awkward if he sniffs out someone's secret stash of weed. how else am i supposed to make it through the day? #be baked. ( laughter ) but i'm not surprised trump invited the dog. trump probably loves the dog because the dog has all the traits trump values, completely loyal, won't leak to the press
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and both like giving surprise leg humps! ( laughter ) let's move on to the top story. ( cheers and applause ) if you have been keeping up with international news, you probably know that lately the world has been crazier than rudy giuliani on l.s.d. to be honest, so many protests going on around the world now that we just don't have the time to cover them all. luckily for us, not enough time is just the right amount of time we have for a segment called "ain't nobody got time for that." ( cheers and applause ) let's kick it off in hong kong where the pro democracy protesters are also getting into the halloween spirit. >> to hong kong where police fired tear gas to break up protests on the halloween holiday. the anti-government administrationings targeted a popular party district in the city for the first time. well, at times the protesters blended in with people wearing halloween costumes. protesters and party gorse alike
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were not deterred by a city-wide ban on gays face masks. >> trevor: pretty genius move for the protesters to blend in with regular people celebrating halloween because the police can't tell the difference between protesters and trick or treaters. sort of like starting a fight club in the middle of boston. don't know, is this an illegal fight or just the usually dunking donuts parking lot fight? you don't know. ( laughter ) what's interesting is the protests in hong kong began because of an extra bigs bill and snowballed into a protest over chinese rule over hong kong in general because protests are like arguments in relationships, you say it's about the dishes but it's about something bigger, like you continue communicate well or you hooked up with your mother-in-law, you know. yeah, you said i should get along with her! ( laughter ) if we had more time, we could talk more about the difficulty they had reintegrating post-colonial hong kong into
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china but we don't have time haws hong kong is not the only region trying to move out of its parents' house. >> bars loania spain, half a million protesters last week frustrated oarcht jailing of nine politicians for their role in the catalonia independence movement two years ago. >> they don't speak for the majority because the support for independents is not majority. >> trevor: spain is in turmoil because the region of catalonia is demanding its independence and the chaos has been non-stop, though it is spain so they take a little siesta in the middle of the fight. i'll be protesting in my dreams! aaahhh! ( snoring ) aaahhh! ( laughter ) barbarcelona experiences these protests every couple of years. independence movements are like movies about the joker. you think they're over then a new one about a guy who hates climbing steps.
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i haven't seen it, i think that's what this is about. with more time we could get into how the movement is driven by catalonia's feeling about how they pay more tax than they get back from the central government because over in the caribbean the country of haiti is running out of gas and patience. >> a crippling fuel shortage protesting -- fueling protests in hateys. >> thousands taken to the street to demand the president stand own. >> catholic church joined protesters rallying for political reform, thousands in the peaceful capitol of port-au-prince. >> trevor: in haiti a severe fuel shortage has sparked one of the nation's largest protests and although the music and dancing may confuse you, this is a protest, because there's at least one white couple on vacation saying look, honey, it must be carnival! throw me some beads! that's what i love about being black, even though our protests have rhythm, the people are
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fighting, ( humming ) yeah, a lot of people don't know this but soul train started as a protest against bike lanes, that's how it all began. by the way, if i were in hate yp's government, i would be very afraid that the catholic church has now joined this protest because nobody holds a grudge like the catholic church. it's been, like, 6,000 years and they're still mad at that snake. they don't play around out there. he gave someone an apple. move on, already! on a day with more time, we could delve into how the protests in haiti aren't just about fuel but rampant corruption across the government but we don't have time because anti-government protests are even hitting one of the most stable countries in latin america, chile. >> in chile, a 4% rise in subway fares was enough to bring a million people to the streets. stores and subway stations torched, a government forced to declare a state of emergency. >> the chilean president was seen dining at an upscale
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restaurant, these are the type of things that seem to make people crazy. >> trevor: why the chilean people are protesting not affording basing services, the president is dining at a fancy restaurant. talk about tone deaf, can't be eating fancy food in front of your struggling people. use uber eats, get it delivered. ( laughter ) a tipple point when the government announced an increase in subway fares. makes sense, these type of moves always affect the working class more because rich people don't need public transportation. they don't know what it's like to be stuck on a hot crowded train sitting next to a subway masturbator. rich people take fancy limousines with air conditioning and sit next to a fancy limousine masturbator. we can't get into inequality because we have to make time for the biggest protest in the middle east where the people of
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lebanon took to the streets for the removal of their prime minister because he enriched himself at the expense of the citizens. the common traitions are so intense that the prime minister stepped down. a mother and a child found themselves surround bid the protesters and the protesters noticed the child in the car was freaked out and they worked to make things right. >> protesters outraged over the economy changed their tune when they encountered a moth who are said her 15-month-old son was scared. ( singing ) ( singing baby shark ) >> right in the middle of a protest a spontaneous rendition of baby shark. >> trevor: oh, man! that is so adorable! the only problem is now that song is going to be stuck in the protesters' heads. it's going to ruin the rest of the protest. like lebanon, do do do do -- we
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forms, do do do do, don't want tax do do do do, you're corrupt! ( laughter ) these protests all over the globe have things in common, corrupt government, social inequality and ineffective leadership which might be a warning to all the leaders of the world, if you don't start listening to your people soon, they might no have time for you either. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) wireless network claims are so confusing. america's best network. the best network is even better. the best deals on the best network. how can everyone be the best? well, sprint's doing things differently. they're offering a 100% total satisfaction guarantee. while i think their network and savings are great,
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i receivelize travel rewards. going new places! going out for a bite! going anytime. rewarded! learn more at the explorer card dot com. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight are two remarkable women who, together, have written a book called "the book of gutsy women: favorite stories of courage and resilience." please welcome former secretary of state hillary rodham clinton and chelsea clinton. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> hi! hi! >> hi! ( cheers and applause ) >> whoo!
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>> trevor: welcome back to the show. does this ever get, like, tired, just walking around and people cheering for you when you walk into rooms? >> i cheer for her. >> trevor:. >> why not? >> trevor: solo standing ovation? >> it is when night so i think -- it's halloween night so there's a lot of energy in the air. >> trevor: no, i've seen you walking into restaurants as a family, alone, there seems to be a feeling where people go aaahhh! but also like yay! it's not the presidency, but it's a cool consolation prize, right? >> that's true. it does make up for it a little bit. ( laughter ) >> trevor: chelsea, thank you very much for being here. you came from trick or treating, like, now. >> yes. >> trevor: you just went trick or treating. >> literally. >> trevor: you didn't dress up, you just took the kids. >> we had a mawana, a clock
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striking the night from cinderella, and a pumpkin. >> trevor: oh, i like this. i like this. >> the pumpkin didn't choose. >> trevor: if you came to my door on halloween i would be, like, oh, my god you dressed like chelsea clinton. >> i never thought i had a built-in halloween costume. >> trevor: people are, like, that's good makeup! >> sometimes people will say to us, you know you look just like hillary clinton? and i'll say, yeah, i've heard that. >> trevor: let me say first of all congratulations on a phenomenal book. i didn't know what to expect, "the book of gutsy women," if it would be a book about american women, political women, but it is a book about women who have changed the world in some way, shape or form. what's interesting is you wrote it together as a mother and daughter. as someone who's written a book without my mother, i can't imagine what it would be like to write something with my mother. ( laughter )
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>> is that what you're staring at me? >> trevor: what is the process like? >> it was a loft fun. it also did take some adjustment because my mother still writes longhand. >> trevor: like writes out the words? >> i said this at an event, and i could see, like, a teenager up in the rafters turn to his mother and say what's longhand? i'm still working through it. >> trevor: i can feel that. why did you choose to write this book together? you've had many opportunities. you could have written about anything -- your family, politics, your life -- but this is a specific book and it feels like for a specific time. why? >> because we really believe that, in today's world, the stories of gutsy women -- and literally there are many millions of them, but we chose 103 to write about -- because their stories tell us, yes, about the struggles that they endured and their persistence to try to improve their own lives and the lives of people around them, but i think especially in
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today's world, we need to be reminded of these kinds of stories, and they are historic and contemporary, and even a few fictional, and they were women who inspired me as a little girl and throughout my life and the same with chelsea. in fact, we started talking about, you know, inspirational women when she was a little girl. >> trevor: it's interesting, chelsea, because you've said there was a time in your life when you watched your mom running for president and there were more women in space than running for president. >> two. >> trevor: and now you have a plethora of women, you have six in the race, and you've seen how many women participated in the race in midterms and one as well, do you think there is a shift in society where there's a place in equality? >> i think we're absolutely making progress. i also really appreciate how you framed the question, trevor, because it's super important we don't get complacent and that we also understand still how far we have to go. i mean, even if we had an unprecedented number of women
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run for congress in 2018, we were still less than a quarter of all declared candidates. >> trevor: wow. you have chosen 103 women in this book who all have different stories of being gutsy, but what would you you find was the common thread that made them who they are? >> one, i think the sense of just deep purpose. sometimes something that they knew from when they were a little girl. like jane goodall always knew she wanted to work with animals, and sally ride, the first american woman in space, really became a physicist because she wasn't a good enough tennis player, so she found her passion later in life. but what was so distinctive about these women is they brought others along with them, sometimes consciously breaking down barriers and sometimes just really aware of their example, and i find that powerful and gutsy that it wasn't just for themselves, it was forthoers, too. >> trevor: a beautiful book. talking about it and both you have when we come back from the break.
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back with more from chelsea and secretary clinton. don't go away. ( cheers and applause )
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ahhh... can we keep him? what do you see in your cheetos? >> trevor: we can back to "the daily show"! we're joined by secretary hillary rodham clinton and chelsea clinton who co-wrote the book of "the book of gutsy women." hillary, i have to ask you a question that has been plaguing me for a while. how did you kill jeffrey epstein? ( laughter ) because you're not in power but you have all the power. ( laughter ) i really need to understand how you do what you do, because you seem to be behind everything nefarious, and yet you tonight use it to become president. ( laughter )
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what is the game plan? >> well, trevor -- ( laughter ) >> trevor: but, honestly, what does it feel like being the boogie man to have the right? >> well, it's -- it's a constant surprise to me. ( laughter ) because the things they say,er and now, of course, it's on steroids with being online, are so ridiculous, beyond any imagination that i could have, and yet they are so persistent in putting forth these crazy ideas and theories. honestly, i don't know what i ever did to get them to upset. >> trevor: have you ever thought of just like meeting someone who says, hillary you did this, and just looking at them and being, like, yes, i did. ( laughter ) >> i also think it's because it is effective. i'll never forget reading an article after the 2016 election where the reporter interviewed someone who had been undecided voter and he said, you know, he thought my mom had won all three
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debates, she clearly had a greater command of the subject matter, and yet he just kept reading that she had murdered more than 50 people, and he said, somewhat nonchalantly, i don't think that she murdered 50, but, like, what if she murdered two? ( laughter ) and, so, you just think it's like this constant erosion of truth and sanity. >> trevor: right. the country's gearing up for impeachment, and you are in an interesting position where, in your life, you have been literally a part of every single impeachment in some way, shape or form. you had the watergate investigations that you were a part of. you then had your husband who was impeached, and now your political opponent is getting impeached. do you have the impeachment touch? is this like a thing? ( laughter ) >> you know, i wasn't part of andrew johnson, but other than that it was a training speer specific to have because i was a young lawyer investigating richard nixon, and i am very
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pleased that the house today is proceeding in such a deliberative manner. they had the vote today about the procedures, because that's what happened in 1974, so i'm hoping that, now that this going to move toward public hearings where people can see these witnesses in person, they can be like a juror themselves trying to decide, that the american people will, you know, make a very careful study of what they're being told because the founders put impeachment in the constitution for a reason. we have elections, but in between elections, if there is behavior that is undermining our country, endangering our national security as the allegations here are, it's an extraordinary remedy, but one that has to be exercised in a sober, careful way. >> trevor: how would you respond to a trump supporter if they took the time to listen to you and said, hillary, i don't think it's fair that trump is going to be impeached for getting information from ukraine when your team engaged in
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russian information through, you know, the team that worked on that side on the steele dossier. how do you respond to that person when they say you engaged on n foreign information on a political rival, trump did the same, what's the difference? >> there's a huge difference. if you look at the power that the president holds, the president is in a position to use american leverage and credibility to achieve the goals of our nation. so i could imagine -- i could imagine a conversation where a president would say to the president of ukraine, you're new at the job, one of the things that has held you back is corruption, we want to help you fight corruption, but we want evidence that you are really dedicated to fighting corruption. >> trevor: right. if that's all that had been said, there's nothing wrong with that, but that's not what happened, and we now have not only the whistleblower and the alleged incomplete transcript, we now have a lot of witnesses who are all saying this was
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about helping the president himself. he is acting as the president. he's not a political candidate. >> trevor: right. >> he is not a private citizen. he's the president. >> trevor: that works for the -- he works for the united states. >> he works for the united states, and we don't want to squander our credibility. so there's a huge difference. people can gather, you know, information in all kinds of different ways, but when you combine it with that quid pro quo that existed in that conversation which has now been verified repeatedly by people who were in the room, people who were under pressure to deprive the ukrainians of military aid so they could defend themselves, there is an active war going on in eastern ukraine. the russians and their proxies are killing ukrainians, and so what this president has basically done is say i don't care about any of that, i just need some dirt, and i don't care if you make it up. in order to get military aid
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you've to give me something on joe biden and his son. >> trevor: thank you for being on the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: the book, "the book of gutsy women." um secretary hillary rodham clinton and chelsea clinton, everybody. ♪ fast paced hip hop song playing througout ♪ ♪
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