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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  December 9, 2019 11:00pm-11:35pm PST

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i'm here! i'm here! i'm here! it's okay! a. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. as always, thank you for coming out! thank you so much for coming out -- in the rain! in the rain! let's do it, people. let's make a show. i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight is an actor who can be seen in a liddle indie film called "star wars" "" th --"star wars: the rise of skywalker"! womenwomekelly marie tran is jo,
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everybody! ( cheers and applause ) lizzo is the new star of the lakers, the democrats are doing damage control and donald trump has a love-hate relationship with his toilet. let's catch up on today's headlines. ♪ let's kick it off with some education news. elementary school, it's that special time in your life when you find out if you're a bully or if you can fit into a locker. but, now, the state of new jersey is worried schools have stopped teaching the important stuff. >> learning cursive may soon be making a return to schools in new jersey. yeah. a state lawmaker has introduced a bill requiring elementary school students to learn to read and write in script by the end of the third grade. many schools stopped mandating cursive in 2019. if passed, cursive would be required by the next full school year. >> trevor: okay, i'm sorry, what lawmakers in new jersey are pushing for schools to start teaching cursive again?
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while they're at it, why not teach the kids to drive wagons and churn their own butter for lunch? have kids in the cafeteria like, hacker, i am famished from a day's journey hunting the pokémon. have thousand a tide pod for me? ( laughter ) it looks stupid, a capital g looks like a drunk-ass music note. what are you? ( laughter ) one new jersey lawmaker says kids need to rein cursive because that's how they wrote the constitution. what does that mean? you don't need to learn cursive to read the constitution. not everyone needs to know cursive. they might have a job like accountant or president of the united states. ( horn blowing ) ( cheering ) ( applause ) here's the thing, and this happens every generation, right,
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this always happens, young people adapt to new technology and old people want everyone to learn how they learned. i wouldn't be shock if, in 50 years, we will be complaining about our grands kids -- i hate how kids don't text with their thumbs anymore! phones just scan your texts now. in my day, from your brain, you could don't that, you had to look down at your phone like a real person and walk into things head first, that's how we kept our brains hard! ( laughter ) let's move on to the world of art. people are searching for new ways to express the human condition and also to find cool ways to take people's money. and this next exhibit from art basel in miami may be the greatest scam of all time. >> two inexpensive everyday items are now passing for pricey works of art. >> a banana, duct taped to a wall is selling for $150,000 at a miami art festival. the piece is titled comedian. two earlier editions have
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already sold for $120,000 each. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i honestly don't know what to think about this because, on the one hand, i guess this banana is a comment on how all art is temporary and eventually everything withers and dies, but on the other hand it's a (~bleep ) banana taped to the wall because, honestly, i don't about a banana as art. all i know is i want art with a long shelf life. can you imagine if you bought michelangelo's david and the next day it turns all brown and moshy? ( laughter ) what's also crazy is the artist sold three of those bananas for over $100,000 each. i feel bad for the guy at the grocery store selling him those bananas. ( laughter ) think about it, the first time the artist comes in and buys one, 50 cents, the second time,
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50 cents. then the guy sees it on twitter. next time he comes in, can i get a banana? yeah, $20,000. i'm also an artist! ( laughter ) moving on from banana also to a man who never ate fruit in his life, president trump. while embroiled in impeachment and foreign scandals, nice to see the commander-in-chief will take time out of these important issues to deal with stuff like this. >> we have a situation where we're looking very strongly at sinks and showers and other elements, the bathrooms, where you turn the faucet on in areas where there are tremendous amounts of water, where the water rushes out to sea because you could never handle it and you don't get any water, you turn on the faucet and you don't get any water. they take a shower and water comes dripping out, just dripping out, very quietly dripping out. people are flushing toilets ten times, 15 times, as opposed to
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once. they end up using more water. so e.p.a. is looking at that very strongly, at my suggestion -- ( laughter ) >> trevor: okay, is it just me or does it seem like someone took a dump in the oval office that didn't flush and now they're trying to blame it on america's water systems? ( laughter ) just feels like that. mike, the e.p.a. clogged the toilet again! ( laughter ) and, also, can we acknowledge that of all the presidents, trump has the most unpredictable schedule of all time. think about a day in the life of one of his aides in the oval office. just, like, okay, sir, at 9:00 a.m. we will discuss afghanistan, 10:00 impeachment and at 12:00 you will be discussing -- a clogged toilette? trump is, like, cans everything after toilets, i have a lot of opinions. by the way, did you see what eric did in the oval office? ( laughter ) if i'm completely honest, right, whether you like trump or not, you have to admit this is an
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issue where we can agree with. i can say for a fact that america has a lot of low self-esteem toilets that don't flush with conviction. i've experienced this a lot in this country, i won't lie. you go to flush and the toilet is like,aaaaaaaa -- and you say, flush! i'm trying -- ( laughter ) we've all had the moment where it doesn't flush, and then when you're at someone's house. you fill up the tank again and hope they don't notice how long you have been gone. the worst is where you're flushing and the turd is swirling around the bowl like i ain't going nowhere! i ain't going nowhere! ( laughter ) if trump can solve that problem, he's getting four more years, that's all i'm saying. ( laughter ) that's a big problem. it's also crazy how trump had so much more emotion talking about toilets than most tragedies. he was in that.
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( as trump ) they were all falling down, so powerful. it was so intense we decided to produce it off broadway. >> we have a situation where we're looking very strongly add sinks and showers and other elements of bathrooms. there is so little water comes out of the faucet. people are flushing toilets ten times, 15 times as opposed to once. they take a shower, water comes dripping out, just dripping out -- very quietly dripping out. in many states they have so much water, it comes down, it's called rain. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: all right, that's it for the headlines. let's move on to our top story. ( cheers and applause ) there are now just 329 days
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until the presidential election. 56 days until the iowa caucuses and 23 days until pete buttigieg can legally drink. so with the democratic primary race heating up, let's catch up on the latest developments in our ongoing segment world war d. ( cheers and applause ) as we get closer and closer to the primaries, all the democratic candidates are learning that while the beginning to have the race was fun and games, once you get into crunch time, people start digging into your history. this weekend everyone was talking about a confrontation involving joe biden, the candidate with the most history. >> democratic frontrunner joe biden got into it with a local voter. words were exchanged and then a challenge. >> i've got two problems with you. one, is you're as damn near as old as i am. you're selling access to the president just like he was.
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>> you're a damn liar, man, that's not true, and no one has ever said that. and you want to check my shape on, let's do pushups here, let's run, let's do whatever you want to do, let's take an i.q. test. >> i didn't say you were doing anything wrong. >> you said i set up my son to work in an oil company. isn't that what you said? get your words straight, jack. look, here's the deal, here's the deal -- >> it looks like you don't have any more backbone than trump does when you're -- ( audience reacts ) >> trevor: whoa! damn! that got testy. there was a weird moment, though, you have to admit. this guy said he was concerned biden might be too old to run for president, and instead of addressing the man's concerns, biden challenged him to pushups? you realize, joe biden, this could have ended terribly, because what if that old man beat biden, hmm? now he's the democratic front runner, right? ( laughter ) yeah, that's how it works!
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we've all watched "black panther." you beat the guy in charge, you become the guy in charge! that's how it works! pushups, the old guy would have ripped up his shirt, like, is this your nominee?! and everyone of the old white people in the town hall would be like, oh! ( laughter ) and, like, i think this is what shows you what's wrong with american politics right now, a candidate and a voter should never be calling each other fat and old, all right? they should be calling each other's mommas fat and old. let's keep things civilized, people. while biden is fighting off corruption allegations and challenging voters to meet him in the park plot, his great-grandson pete buttigieg is dealing with a controversy about a lack of transparency. a lot of people were concerned buttigieg wasn't allowing press to attend his fundraising evidence. when he was asked about it, he couldn't pretend to give a shit.
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>> buttigieg is getting more attention, he says he will think about opening his fundraisers and had a tart response to reporters friday as to when he'll make the decision. >> as the candidate, can yu just director your campaign to open those? >> yes. >> why haven't you done so? >> really a lot of considerations and i'm thinking about it. >> can you give us an example of those considerations? >> no. thank you. >> trevor: damn! looks like someone started growing chest hair. oh! you know, i always joke about buttigieg looking like he's 15 but in that press conference he was acting like a teenager, too. did you do your homework? yes. do you have it, yeah. can i see it? no. ( laughter ) buttigieg may have been gangster at the podium but the backlash to this was so swift he and his team had to announce today they will be opening his fundraisers
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to the press. one thing buttigieg did that was really slick was that he took his transparency issues and tried to turn them around on one of his opponents. >> buttigieg's campaign has also been calling on elizabeth warren to release her tax returns from before 2008 during her time as a corporate lawyer. last night she did, revealing she made nearly $2 million from private legal work since 1986. >> trevor: $2 million? i knew it! ( laughter ) elizabeth warren's out here acting all folksy but it turns out this whole time she had a job?! ( laughter ) because that's what's funny about this story. if you read it, the headlines make it sound like elizabeth warren was boiling out of control, but, in reality, she earned $2 million over 30 years. ( laughter ) yeah. which averages out to a modest $60,000 a year. that is the complete opposite of boiling. at $60,000 a year, you want
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popping champagne in the club. you're carefully removing the cork, pouring it in the glass and saving the rest for the time you come back to the club. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so that's a quick update of what's happening in the democratic race, and you know what's funny about this whole thing to me? the democrats are trying to defend so hard even the smalls skeletons in their closets. meanwhile, trump is rolling through the streets going, these aren't skeletons, these are just skinny people, and if you don't believe me, you can do pushups. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause )
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we made it thin. how is this possible, you ask? it's not. but we gone done it anyway. reese's thins. not sorry.
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reese's thins. there's[ screaming ]he house. who would do something like this? [ holiday music playing ] [ bones cracking ] you're all insane. you messed with the wrong sisters. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." yesterday was the weekend, and the weekend means sports. so let's check out what happened in another edition of i apologize for talking while you were talking. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> yeah, what's up, people who like sports? he's michael kosta, i'm roy wood, jr. big football college news this weekend. the playoffs set, the bowl matches are set, which games are you looking to? >> i put $14,000 on the panera
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bread bread bowl bowl. >> trevor: i think you have a gambling problem. >> not if i win. anyway, roy, let's start with today's big news. you know how russia's always a major force at the olympics. >> yeah. >> not anymore. >> breaking news in the spores world, this morning russia received a four-year ban for doping from the world anti-doping agency. this means there will legal be no russian team at the 2020 summer olympics or the 2022 winter games. now, russians will still be able to compete at global competitions but only under a new central flag and with no national anthem. >> trevor: whoa, shit! russia got banned from the olympics for doping too many times. now, it is important that we say, kosta, their athletes can still compete as individuals but they can't represent russia, they can just represent themselves. >> it's like, hi, i'm vlad. i'm here to throw javelin. >> where are you from?
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>> you know, i am from around. do you have any clean urine i can buy? ( laughter ) >> look, i've got to say, man, i think banning russia from the olympics is a massive mistake. russia lives for athletic competition. now we've just got a bunch of angry russians with nothing to do. the olympics are like the after-school program that's been keeping them off the streets. now they're going to be meddling in everything -- our elections, our power grid, our relationships -- which reminds me, baby, if any nudes pop up in my phone, it was the runnings. >> me, too, baby. moving on to the n.b.a. where lebron and davis have the lakers in the top of the standings, 21 and 3, one loss for every eyebrow they have combined. ( laughter ) >> yes, a.d. picked up 50 points but what happened courtside that got people talking. >> as you're waking up maybe checking twitter, you're wondering why lizzo and jumbotron are trending? lakers haddive thing i think
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colluding lizzo pulling up her dress to show off her thong when the lamers showed her on the jumbotron. >> yes! lizzo is living her best life! that outfit was a bold choice, a very bold choice because i would not want to put my bare ass on stadium seats, especially, especially courtside seats. they're cushions! cushions absorb everything! you can feel the bacteria! lizzo's going to take a dna test and it's going to turn out she's 100% jack nicholson farts. ( laughter ) >> speaking of the knicks, you know how they have been losing? they're doing something about it. >> the knicks lost eight in a row, off to one of the worst starts in franchise history. today they decided to part waze with head coach david fizzdale who actually held practice with the team today, this is him at knicks practice facility shaking hands with management and, just
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an hour later, he was fired. >> okay, okay, this is unfair. you can't blame the coach when you never gave him the right players to win. you can only make dinner with what you have in the fridge which is why, tonight, i'll be eating egowaffles, sriracha and aa batteries. ( laughter ) >> i don't really feel bad for this guy. he's getting $17 million. the only thing boater than getting $17 million for coaching the knicks is getting $17 million for not coaching the knicks. i'll not coach the knicks for 16 million! >> i'll do it for 15, but i gotta wear a thong. >> that's fair. for the rest of the season, the knicks should give every fan at the game a ticket and raffle off a chance to be coach for a day! >> roy, that's the plot of a whoopewhoopi goldberg movie cald eddie, she wins the context and gets to coach the knicks. >> fine, fine. the point is the knicks are so embarrassing they need to go into hiding. they've got to go where no one
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whether find them like a household of nones. >> that's also a plot of a whoopi goldberg movie called the sister act. >> whatever, man. the point is basketball clearly ain't their thing. maybe instead of playing basketball the knicks should sit around all day talking about the news! >> that's "the view," roy! whoopi goldberg is also on that. >> i can't get whoopi out of my head! i need to get something else to think about. >> want to see a picture of me in a thong? >> i don't want to see a thong picture. >> you can see my frostbite right here. >> no, no! >> trevor: michael kosta, roy wood, jr., everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )
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we ordered 10,000 units. that sounds good. pretty cool, huh? they're speaking to mom in japanese, and mom hears them in english. ♪ can you understand me? yes, i can understand you. okay. i have a lot of questions. how do you guys fly? what does santa do in the summer? is mrs. claus a good cook? do you guys get presents? can you roller skate or ice skate? the wait is over.
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♪ fast paced hip hop song playing ♪ rougout ♪ ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight's was the first woman of color to have a leading role in a "star wars" movie. here's a preview of the highly anticipated "star wars: the rise of skywalker." >> we're not alone. good people will fight if we lead them. >> people keep telling me they know me. no one does.
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>> but i do. >> trevor: please welcome kelly marie tran. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you so much. >> trevor: and congratulations on a whirlwind ride. this movie is so highly anticipated and, yet, at the same time, we know nothing about it, like nothing. like, normally when i'm going to do, like, an interview, they might send me a movie before hand and i'm like, disney, no. >> disney, they're true ninjas. they're not going to tell you anything. they'll make you wonder. >> trevor: some won't give you
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the movie, they'll just give you your parts and you won't know what the movie is. >> i strangely enough, i read the whole thing. >> trevor: oh man. >> i know everything. >> trevor: these are piecey, and sometimes they change so you don't know how it will end up. >> would it be like you say, i don't know and then you see the movie? >> i watched the movie last week. >> trevor: i late you and i'm over it you experienced the best and worst of social media at the same time. >> yes. >> trevor: when you dot got the role and when the first movie came out you were in, there was a backlash, oh, why is she in the movie? this asian woman, makes no sense. then you have a huge wave where people supported you. but then you said i'm done with being online, i'm not being
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harassed by trolls online and i'm off. you don't do social media now. >> no. that might be the best choice i ever made, truly. >> trevor: how? >> yeah. >( applause ) >> trevor: how do you know you're valid in life? >> i don't want to make everyone mad but i'm, like, you should try it. >> trevor: you're in the space where your role takes so much significance not just because to have the character you're playing in the series and because how you're part of this end of this saga of the series but also because this was the first time we had seen an asian-american actress, like, playing a powerful role in a "star wars" franchise. does that not come with a ton of stress? >> it absolutely does. it absolutely comes with a sort of overwhelming pressure, this desire to represent well. >> trevor: right. >> also, on the other hand, i'm, like, guys, what's the big deal? asian women speak and have feelings and can have a full existence in life, it's not that crazy. >> trevor: right. so when you were on this movie and you're creating it, i mean,
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like, is there ever a moment where you think to yourself, it's all downhill from here? ( laughter ) no, i'll tell you, because it's "star wars." >> yes. >> trevor: it's "star wars." you can get any other movie and be, like, yeah, but i did "star wars." because i wouldn't be humble enough. if i started with "star wars," everywhere i go, people would be, like, hey, would you like to be in this movie? i would be, like, is it about the jedi? ( laughter ) is that, like, a weird trip for you to be on as well? >> i think it is kind of a weird trip. i mean, forever, i will always, i think, be grateful to have been part of this thing that is such a cultural touch stone to so many generations of people but, at the same time, i feel like it's also, because it feels like it was a big franchise, now i just want to do something totally different. >> trevor: that's amazing. i would be stuck in "star wars." i won't lie. i feel like i would bring "star wars" to movies that didn't need it in it. it would be like a dramatic
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scene in the notebook, and it would be, like, he's in the bed, and i would be, like -- ( making sounds ) congratulations. >> thank you so much. >> trevor: "star wars: the rise of skywalker" will be in theaters december 20th. kelly marie tran, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ tonight is a magical night.
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cats compete for the chance of a new life. ah! hah! i judge a cat by its soul. i'm quite obviously the best. [ laughter ] mmmwhaa! cross paws. come on you can do it. hiss, that's what i say to you, hiss. awwww yeah. that's the stuff. no really. those are the actual ingredients. ♪ funky rock track tostitos. [crunch] get to the good stuff. ♪
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♪ ♪ >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. we'll be back again tomorrow. first, here it is... your moment of zen. >> there's something big and yellow that each morning greets us high then rises up to heaven even though it cannot fly. i am big and i am yellow and i cannot fly, you see, but this poem that i'm reading is not a poem about me. for this yellow thing that rises, then sets when day is done, is none other than that friend who shines upon us.
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it's the sun! ( cheers and applause ) thank you! thank you! thank you! let's now hear it for the sun! l and now david spade. (applause). >> spade: hey, thanks, guys. welcome to my new shirt, thanks, hi, have a seat, here we go lots of stuff happening. and on the show tonight we have rick, bren dan, megan over-- brendan, megan over there, killing it. lots happening. beyonce, you know beyonce, she's denying reports that she's doing a residency in vega


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