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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  February 27, 2020 11:00pm-11:35pm PST

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[door closes] oh, um... jan wants you to call her. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you for coming out! thank you so much! thank you! thank you! take a seat! let's do this! let's make a show! i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight is an amazing singer/songwriter to perform music from her new album "before love came to kill us," yes jesse
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reyez is joining us! also jordan klepper tries to get the black vote, why the coronavirus is good for netflix and why bad guys don't use iphones. let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with president trump. ever since he moved in to the white house, he's been worried about two things -- one, that eric would find out where he went and, two, that a deep state inside his own government was secretly out to get him. well, it turns out he may have been right. >> a doctor who once told the nation president trump has incredible genes admits making some secret additions to mr. trump's diet et. >> ronny jackson served as presidential physician for five years till 2018. he tells the "new york times" he and his staff were working on improving the president's diet including putting cauliflower in the president's mashed potatoes. jackson told the "times" his goal was to help trump lose up
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to 15 pounds. >> trevor: yep, the white house doctor was secretly hiding cauliflower in trump's mashed potatoes so he would eat healthier. that's so unnecessary because trump gets enough fiber whenever he eats his burger without unwrapping it first. ( laughter ) although if this worked for his food, maybe they could trick trump into being more effective as a president. maybe they could sneak intelligence briefings inside his porno mags. that's would be great. he would learn from them. this lady's jugs are as big as the russian president inside of syria -- hey, wait a minute! ( laughter ) but i feel bad for trump, man. this is the kind of trick you use on dogs to feed them pills. the white house doctor says he was doing this? you can't treat a grown man this way. what happens if trump gets injured. will he make him wear a cone so he doesn't chew on it? undignified. sneaking cauliflower into his
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food is not cool. it's not even a good vegetable. it's light-skinned broccoli. boom! roasted, you cauliflower! moving on to the world of entertainment. yesterday one of hollywood's biggest directors gave up one of hollywood's biggest secrets. >> no bad apples here, ryan johnson writer and director of "knives out" says even though apple allows film-makers to use its products, on one condition, a bad guy can't be seen using an iphone. >> trevor: only the good guys in movies can use sniefns now that we know it, it's going to ruin the suspense in every film. now mystery movies won't need detectives. they will be like, i'm starting a group text -- who's blue, who's green? yep! chris to have came in green again, movie over. if i get a green text bubble, i'm calling the cops. ( laughter ) moving on, we all know this week
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president beyond jiho trump made his first official state visit to india. while he was there, he said everything is great. turns out in the streets of new deli, the situation was spiraling out of control. >> violent clashes between hindus and muslims in the hindu capital of new deli left 20 people dead and more than 150 hurt. at the center of the dispute is a controversial new law which makes it easier for non-muslims to become citizens of yaind. the fighting began monday with thousands for and against the law. >> president trump praised modi for fighting for religious freedom. >> he wants people to have religious freedom very strongly. he said in india, they have worked with very hard to have great and open religious freedom. >> trevor: he said that an idiot? this is really interesting. ( laughter ) so trump asked modi what's going on with religious violence and
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then modi says, well, nothing to do with me, and, what, trump just believes him? how is he so gullible? anytime a world leader says they're not guilty of something, trump believes it, whether putin, kim jong un, modey, doesn't matter. trump would be the perfect partner to cheat on. hey, you got a text from big dick dave. who is that? that's just my really tall friend richard dave. oh, okay, have a fun night. working late! ( laughter ) and, you know, i'm not only worried about what's happening in india now, i'm worried the situation in india might affect the united states because in this country rich white women love copying everything from indian culture, yoga, tai thi. they will be running around in the streets, i read about this new indian ritual on gu that you go into the street and beat the shit out of someone who's different than you. i feel so refreshed.
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it's, like, an ethnic cleansing! ( audience reacts ) here's the deal, the story around the unrest in india is compleiated. india's current leader narendra modi have been accused of oppressing the rights of the hindu muslim population. religion is causing people to fight against each other. we shouldn't be fighting over whether we're hindu or christian or muslim or jewish. we should all come together to fight the real enemy, people with green text bubbles. goddam all of them! that's it for the headlines. let's move on to the stop story. ( cheers and applause ) once again, the top story in the news is the coronavirus. it has become one of the worst diseases to hit the world since the bud light virus. i still remember my grandfather's last words -- waza! every day we learn more about this disease and how it's
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affecting the planet. let's check in on the latest coronavirus news in our ongoing segment, is this how with we die? ( cheers and applause ) the coronavirus has quickly turned from a regional concern in china to an international sensation. and now that it's spread to six continents and 52 kents, drastic action is being taken around the globe. >> the spread to have the coronavirus continues to have a serious impact around the globe. in south korea, officials announce that joint drills with the united states military will be postponed indefinitely. >> saudi arabia has temporarily suspended entry into the country to people who wish to complete pilgrimage to meek cay amid fears over the virus. >> in a hotel in spaceship's canary islands the doors are chained shut and nearly 1,000 tourists have been ordered to stay in their rooms. >> japan shutting down all elementary, middle and high schools from now until late march in hopes of controlling
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the outbreak. >> trevor: that's right, japan has canceled school for a month. quick, america, now's your chanceo to catch up in math! learn the quadratic equation as fast as you can! come on, do it! ( laughter ) as for saudi arabia,s in a big deal, canceling people's pilgrimage to meek cay is huge. in an even more drastic move, saudi arabia said women weren't allowed to leave their homes starting 80 years ago. ( laughter ) doesn't matter where you are, spain, saudi arabia, japan, the coronavirus is going after everybody. scary but also real woke. the coronavirus is more diverse than the oscars, everyone gets a chance. here in the u.s. the record cases of coronavirus are still very low. yesterday president trump announced he would be putting vice president mike pence in charge of fighting the disease. i know it seems ludicrous, but maybe the plan is just to have
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mike pence bore the virus to death! just be like, and my second favorite book to have the bible would have to be leviticus, i always think -- and the coronavirus says, aaahhh! i'm going back to china! ( laughter ) while most people have avoted the virus, there's been one major victim close to trump's heart, the stock market. >> breaking news out of wall street, stocks plunging for the fourth straight day. this is now the worst week for the market, since 2008, the height of the great recession. >> so interesting dichotomy setting up in the market right now. the stay-at-home stocks versus the go-outside stocks. you have names like peleton, netflix, all outperforming. and the go-out stocks, the restaurants, the ubers, are all gettingt hit. people are not going out if and when coronavirus comes here. >> trevor: yes, the stock market is tanking right now, except for stocks like peletron
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and netflix because those companies win when people don't leave their houses. these companies need to innovate to keep up with the virus. if you've been binging love is blind for ten hours, a screen pops up and asks, you still watching, going forward, are you still alive? ( laughter ) the answer is no, because the romance destroyed me! popular but i don't get why pel ton is blowing up. no since exercising during the apocalypse. you have a six-pack but no one there to appreciate it. anyone out there? my stomach is divided into sections now! ( laughter ) so, yes, peletron, netflix and stay at home companies are #winning because to have the coronavirus. but because people don't want to stay at home, another industry is taking off. >> the coronavirus emergency, we're seeing a rush to buy the
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face masks. stores and web sites sold out. abc news gaining exclusive access to meet demand. amazon warning third-party retailers that are taking advantage of this mask hysteria, raising prices by more than 400%. >> trevor: that's right. so many people are going out and buying masks that stores have completely run out and people who have the masks are charging a fortune. that's why i did the next best thing and i just bought a d.v.d. of the mask. yeah. just hold it right here in front of your face and no one will bother you because you look like a crazy person. keeps you healthy and it's a good movie. so the latest with the coronavirus. it's hurting the economy, nations around the world on high alert, and everyone is on edge. and i get it, i really get it, i mean, right now, some of you in the studio audience, you're probably nervous that you don't have a mask of your own. well, don't worry, my friends,
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i've got you covered. if you feel under your seats, i've put the coronavirus down there. ( laughter ) so now you don't have to worry about having a mask because you're already infected! time for an ad break. 98% of us will be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ we only come out at night ♪ we only come out at night ♪ ♪ i walk alone ♪ i'll pretend to know the way ♪ ♪ we only come out at night ♪ ♪ we only come out at night ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." this weekend, we'll see the democratic primary take place in south carolina, which means all the white candidates are going to be working really hard to appeal to black voters. but how has that outreach been going? we sent our very own white person, jordan klepper, down to south carolina to finger the pulse. ♪ ♪
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>> south carolina is the first place black democratic voters will likely be heard in this primary. so i hitched a ride to the historic city of charleston. here i notice something, no, it wasn't the anti-bell lum play, it was the ads candidates were running. they all seemed to feature a familiar face. >> this is an extraordinary man with an extraordinary career. elizabeth understands what i strongly believe. mr. michael bloomberg is here. >> so seems like a lot of white folks think standing next to a cool black person gives them legitimacy but is it effective? let's ask ask my good friend roy wood, jr. >> i know why you brought me. >> we're from your hometown in south carolina. >> i'm from alabama. >> so roy and i happily went to charleston to see if the voters noticed the democrats' brilliant strategy. have you seen the ads. >> looks like obama is' running again. >> all of them have these commercials now with them and
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obama saying stuff about them. >> it's just the candidate with, like, african-americans. >> your stance cannot be what obama did eight years ago. we want someone who's going to be authentic. >> you want a candidate above all things who cares about you. >> yes. >> and has a good picture with, like, barack obama. >> no. >> you think black people like the white people that have got a white picture with obama. >> i never said that. >> that's what you said. >> you can't ride on obama's coat tail. that's not how we vote. >> which candidate has the best o.p.v.? >> break that down. >> obama proximity value. >> the closer you are to obama, the more black people like you. >> that's a funny question because i personally never considered that. >> who has the best ovp. >> black people don't care about white people in ads with obama. >> i don't know because everybody is running an ad with obama in it.
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>> that's what black people want to see. >> how do you know? >> i spend a lot of time around my people. >> he's at a table with three black people. you have to give the broth credit. >> thank you very much. >> even roy recognizes the power of proximity. this is a picture of me with barack obama. if you look closely, that's obama and that's me over there. >> is that technically even the same room? >> yes, that's trevor and there's a bunch of white people and me. >> these are daily show interns. >> those are the producers and writers, respected people on the show. >> that's an intern. he worked on "the daily show" a month max. >> looks like you was thrown in as a prop. >> she's 100% right. >> you're a prop. >> i'm not a prop! are you saying -- >> i'm saying you look like they're tokennizing you in that picture. >> south carolina are not easily duped by the slick political advertising strategy of my one black friend, but who was breaking through? >> i do particularly like mine. >> we need healthcare and
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elizabeth will get that done. >> for me, definitely tom steyer. talking about equality. >> what's his name? >> tom. >> what's his name. >> steyer. >> tom steyer. >> yeah. >> tom steyer has a message that resonates and connects with people. >> do i follow my heart and vo vote for somebody like tom steyer. >> who is tom steyer? >> tom steyer is saying some good shit! >> who is he? i've never heard of him! >> the words you're saying makes no sense. >> turns out this mythical beast spend more money on ads in south carolina than anyone else, and steyer's commercial doesn't even have obama endorsing steyer. it has obama endorsing a woman -- >> i heard this voice behind me, her name is edith childs. >> who endorses steyer. >> trump's got to go. >> i'm tom steyer and i approve this message. >> we went to james clyburn who
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recently endorsed the candidate with the highth o.p.v. joe biden to find out more about steyer. >> well, you know, steyer came in, he's made it dicey. >> in what way? >> well, he's spinning millions. money will make things dicey. he's running second or third in south carolina now. it's what -- >> john steyer is running third? >> tom. >> tom steyer. >> tom. i think. it's tom, right? tom. >> so roy and i decided it's time to see the candidates like biden and warren and -- >> tom steyer? >> tom. >> tom. >> that's his name. appreciate that. you get the check. it was inspiring to see candidates engaged with the voters of south carolina. finally in a little church outside charleston, we got to see the tom steyer. and while steyer is just a blip nationally, he does have intriguing ideas. >> i think i'm the only person running for president who's for reparations for slavery.
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( applause ) and why is that true? because i want to tell the truth. >> tom steyer. >> tom steyer. >> you're tom steyer! >> what's up, you guys? >> we know this election could go a lot of different ways, and in case it does gotten the way you want it to go -- ( laughter ) -- can i get an advance on my reparations? ( laughter ) >> i'm not laughing. >> let me put it to you this wa- >> these democratic candidates are fired up, ready to go. >> we are sure that was tom steyer. >> wait, that wasn't tom steyer? >> pretty sure, 70%. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: jordan klepper and roy wood, jr., everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) who doesn't love a deal? i do. check out the united explorer card. savin' on this! savin' on this! savin' in here.
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yes. yes. yeah sure. yes yes. yeah, yeah no problem. yes. yes, yes a thousand times yes! discover. accepted at over 95% of places in the u.s. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a grammy-nominated
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singer/songwriter who's forthcoming debut album is called "before love came to kill us." please welcome jessie reyez! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." >> thank you. >> trevor: and congratulations on all of your success. congratulations on being nominated for a grammy. congratulations on doing so well. i mean, you seem like you've just come out of nowhere, but you have been doing this for a really, really, really longtime. one of my favorite introductions i've heard you give is, hi, i'm jessie reyez, and i write sad songs. is that how you see yourself? >> pretty much, yeah, i write a lot of sad songs. but it's not like someone play a little violin or something, it's just i happen to get more motivated to write when i'm sad. i write happy songs, it's just few and far between. i feel like when you're conscious highs and lows, black
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and whites, ups and downs have to exist, sad songs have a little bit of love and love songs have a little sadness because that love can't last because nobody gets out alive, you be. >> trevor: whoo! ( applause ) your story is one that gives inspiration and hope because you live in a family of immigrants who moved to canada. canada seems to be producing so much musical talent right now, it's really insane. but you were bus king at one point. it's not like you had immediate rags to riches story. did you think you would see the blowup the way you have now. you have fans, like, billie eilish who says i love jessie reyez, which is amazing and you're going to be touring with her. that just got announced, like, today. ( cheers and applause ) so when you look at that journey and what it's been, what's the story you tell yourself of your life? >> that i'm blessed, that i'm honored, that i'm lucky that my
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hard work's paid off and i can't really, like, stop. i can't stop. it's not often that i kind of -- it's only when people ask me that i'm, like, oh, man, this is crazy. i remember the days i have to bar tend till, like, 6:00 in the morning to make tips. i remember the days i had to work and couldn't stop. i remember all those days and when i think of that it makes me more appreciative. touring and doing what i love isn't normal. so i have to make sure i stay on top of it and grateful and focused ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: is there one collaboration or place you want to perform? now seems the sky is the limit for you. >> well, because i'm such a believer in affirmations and lists of goals and make sure you have a map, otherwise how do you know where you're going. so a map sleighs of goals. i have a farm for my dad, a few
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accolades on my wall. my mom, in colombia, used to work with kids. my dad lost his mom very young, so i want to work with kids that don't have a stable home base. i want to start an orphanage named after my mom. ( applause ) all this sounds like i'm a great human being. i drink, i cuss, so don't think this is all, like -- >> trevor: if you drink and cuss and open orphanages, that more than balances things out. thank you so much for coming to the eshow. everyone is going to fall in love with you. "before love came to kill us" will be available march 27th, and her north american tour begins in may. be sure to stay tuned for a special performance after the break. jessie reyez. catch her on her le headlining r this spring and with belly bille eilish in march. eilish in march. we'll be
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come on. no. no. n... ni ni, no no! only discover has no annual fee on any card. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." now to perform "far away, please welcome jessie reyez. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ hand on the bible (lord, have mercy) ♪ i think you're the love of my life (yo) ♪ baby, could you hop on a flight to find me? ♪ i feel like i need you tonight beside me ♪ you're still a world away and you're still waiting for your papers ♪ been feeling like the government wants us to break up ♪ iphone xxx facetime saves us ♪ i feel what you feel when you're far away ♪ when you're far away
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when you're far away, huh ♪ i feel what you feel when you're far away ♪ it's been a hundred days since i kissed your face, oh ♪ distance ain't nothing, you and i both committed. no boys, no one could ever come between us this ♪ it's different, we trust each other ♪ we both been hurt by old lovers ♪ your sex, it helped me recover icebox but you brought me summer ♪ i feel what you feel when you're far away ♪ when you're far away when you're far away, huh ♪ i feel what you feel when you're far away ♪ it's been a hundred days since i kissed your face, mmh
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♪ on my momma, i'll never hurt you ♪ on my momma, i don't deserve you ♪ humble love, don't even know your worth ♪ life before you is just a blur on my momma, i'll never hurt you ♪ on my momma, i don't deserve you ♪ humble love, don't even know your worth ♪ life before you is just a blur i feel what you feel ♪ when you're far away when you're far away ♪ when you're far away, huh i feel what you feel ♪ when you're far away it's been a hundred days ♪ since i kissed your face ♪ ♪ ♪ no matter what color you all, we all bleed red, yeah ♪ ♪ and once you're dead ♪ won't ever be able to be a better person once you're dead ♪
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♪ no matter what color you are, we all bleed red ♪ ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central [applause and cheering] ♪ >> announcer: and now, david spade! [applause and cheering] ♪ [applause and cheering] >> david: hey! hey, guys! yeah! whoa! we did it, man! what's up, you guys? welcome to the show. [applause and cheering] >> david: we've got liza, andrew, russell, a big day. >> yeah! [applause and cheering] >> david: oh. those are sweet kicks. >> what about me? >> david: those are nice. i didn't look.


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