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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  July 24, 2020 1:15am-2:00am PDT

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- no! but obama wasn't really elected. don't you people care? - [choral singing] ♪ welcome to "the daily distancing show." i'm trevor noah. it is thursday, the 23rd of july, and, as you can see, although some people have gone back to the office, i'm still here filming the show from my apartment because, you see, i paid for the business edition of zoom and i'm going to get my money's worth! anyway, tonight's episode. the spanish flu is back. desi checks in on uncle rudy, and america gets its first racist president. so let's do this, people. welcome to "the daily distancing show." >> from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch
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somewhere in the world, this is "the daily distancing show" with trevor noah. >> trevor: let's kick things off with coronavirus. the only thing living it's best life in 2020. over the past 24 hours, multiple states including texas and florida reported record covid 19 fatalities, and for everyone who's asking what america is doing wrong, well, one viral photo might offer a clue. >> a tale of two countries, this picture is going viral for high lighting the differences in covid 19 responses between the united states and canada. at the top of your screen, a packed american tour boat. at niagara falls carrying hundreds of people, you can see them in blue pompgos. the bottom one, carrying a half dozen tourist, a canadian one in red vests. the image shows two boats passing each other earlier this month. >> trevor: canadian boats have
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six people, americans are packed together on the boat. i'm not sure that's mist from the waterfall. that could be everyone coughing. i'm joking. the people could be safe because they're outdoors in the mist and the wind. i don't know. this photo is a metaphor for how differently the u.s. is treating this pandemic fro other countri. of all things to risk dying for, looking at a waterfall is the worst choice, until i there's a vaccine. stick to the rivers and lakes that you're used to. i also feel canada is being a little too safe. you guys have free healthcare, live a little! by the way, keeping boats from being overcrowded isn't the only thing canada is doing to stop the spread of corona. the c.d.c. and the canadian province of british columbia just released official health guidelines telling canadians to try using gluer are holes for safer sex because they say the wall stops you from breathing on
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each other but the hole keeps the magic happening. if ever that was a sign, this is how you know coronavirus is really bad. when doctors are like, okay, go stick your dick in a wall, it will save lives. i don't know about goer holes, but my personal advice is if you want to be real safe, everyone needs to have sex the same way mike pence does. what you do is you go in the bedroom first and lock the door so no one else can come in. sex! here's another tip, guys, wear mask over your balls. doesn't stop the virus, it's just like no one wants to see your balls. it's like a cupcake. the party is on the top. hide that stuff. football coming back but the washington redskins are not. >> effective middle east the redskins will be called the washington football team as they look for a replacement mascot. according to espn, this is not the final name of the "time" team, but they need something in
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place before games begin this season. a new permanent name and logo is still in the works. >> trevor: i'm sorry. that is the laziest team name i have ever heard. they prenamed a professional football franchise the same way you save phone knurls of people you just met. karaoke dude with the big ears that sings strange. woman from the bar. idiot co-worker. let me change that. id yo -- idiot co-worker michael kosta. the washington football team? sounds like they can only afford the store brand version of team names. mom couldn't buy us cheerios so she brought oat circles. eat this in the morning. it's going to be helpful to people who don't follow the n.f.l. if someone asks you who you're rooting for you will be, like, the football team? sounds like you know what you're talking about. interesting choice, the football team. i like when they do the ball.
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( laughter ) let's move to news that's likely out of the world. it's about space. >> new this morning, it's an historic space race to mars, the red planet, china launched it's first ever mission to mars this morning. a six wheeled robot lifted off on a rocket from the island south of china's mainland. details are top secret. china's not releasing the rover's name. should get there in orbit in february behind hope launched by the united arab emirates. u.s. is supposed to launch perseverance from cape canaveral next week. they're going to have a traffic jam up there. >> trevor: wait, wait. why is everybody trying to go to mars? there's never been a movie on mars that ends well. best case scenario you're losing weight because you're on an all potato diet, that's it. sth's is this the best time for space exploration?
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scientists! i know you want to have fun but we need you focused on the pandemic! you finch your corona, scientists, then you can have mars. don't you look at me like that, young scientist. moving on to politics. yesterday we talked about how a republican congressman named ted yoho called alexandria ocasio-cortez a (~bleep ) bitch in the halls of the capitol building. a.o.c. fired back with both barrels. >> an extraordinary happening on the house floor a few moments ago. congresswoman alexandria ocasio-cortez talking about republican congressman ted yoho throwing ex pli titches at her. >> i was minding my own business, walking up the steps, and representative omo put his finger in my face, he called me disgusting, he called me crazy and, in front of reporters, y ohio called me and i quote a (~bleep ) bitch. i want to be clear that representative yoho's comments were not deeply hurtful or
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piercing to me because i have worked a working class job, i have waited tables in restaurants, i have ridden the subway, i have tossed men out of bars that have used language like mr. yoho's. mr. yoho mentioned he has a wife and two daughters. i am someone's daughter, too, and i am here because i have to show my parents that i am their daughter, and that they did not raise me to accept abuse from men. >> trevor: i don't care what anybody says, i am glad a.o.c. came out on the house floor and said exactly what hat congressman said to her, expletives and all. because if you only hear about the story on the news, you probably heard them say that yoho use add derogatory language or offensive determine or made a decorum oopsy. a.o.c. is absolutely right. time and time again powerful men
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hide behind the fact that they have daughters to shield themselves from accusations of sexism. it's like the dudes are at the gender reveal parties, yay, it's pink! a political prop to excuse my bad behavior! the happiest day of my life! enough of bad politicians. president trump. for years now, trump has been bragging about how he aced a dementia test he took back in 2018, and now he's been bringing it up every chance he gets. he talked about it on chris wallace, he replaced the portrait of abraham lincoln with a drawing of the elephant, and in an interview with nbc news trump we want into the greatest detail yet on the test that he says proves he's a genius. >> and it was 30 or 35 questions. the first questions are very easy. the last questions are much more difficult, like a memory question. it's, like, you will go, person,
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woman, man, camera, tv. so they say, could you repeat that. so i said, yeah. so it's person, woman, man, camera, tv. okay. that's very good. if you get it in order, you get extra points. okay. now he's asking you other questions, other questions, and then, ten minutes, 15, 20 minutes later, will say, remember the first question, not the first, but the tenth question? give us that again. can you do that again? and you go, person, woman, man, camera, tv. if you get it in order, you get extra points. they said, nobody gets it in order. it's actually not that easy, but for me, it was easy. they say, that's amazing. how did you do that? i do it because i have, like, a good memory, because i'm cognitively there. >> trevor: donald trump is the only person who can talk about a
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cognitive test but make me feel like i have brain damage. he's gone from bragging about his historic electoral college win to boasting that he can solve the puzzle in a happy meal. i almost feel like obsessing over a dementia test i took two years ago is the real dementia test. can we agree trump is naming the things he sees in front of him at that moment? that's what he's doing. person, woman, man, camera, tv. you're not a genius if you do that. anyone can do it. camera, chair, bookshelf, dead body. testify. i'm a genius, too! what makes it stranger that trump keeps bragging about his score on the test is the neurologist who created the test told "the washington post" it's not meant to measure i.q. or intellectual skill in any way. if someone performance well they can be ruled out for cognitive
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impairments that comes with alzheimer's, dementia strokes or multiple sclerosis. it doesn't make him a genius. it makes him desperate. he thinks he's more mentally sharp than joe biden. >> joe biden tonight calling out mr. trump tas country's first racist president. >> we've had racists who tried to get elected president and he's the first one had. >> that's what he told the worker who expressed children he blames china for the coronavirus pandemic. >> trevor: i understand the point biden was trying to make but donald trump is obviously not the first racist american president because biden calling trump the first racist president is like calling lebron the first black n.b.a. player. he may be the best right now, but there were a lot before him. and don't get me wrong, it was
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extremely racist when trump wouldn't let black people live at his properties, but those early presidents wouldn't let black people not live at their properties to. summarize some oft what we know of american presidents, 12 owned slaves, so right off the bat they're out. woodrow supported the clan. l.b.j. used n word in private. nixon used slurs. reagan auld african leaders monkeys who were uncomfortable wearing shoes. those are the things we know about. i don't know who this guy is. he's probably racist. look at the mutton chops. , so look, biden was clearly wrong about this. in fact, he was so wrong that with our help trump has now turned his gaff into a new attack ad. >> gaff machine joe biden is at it again, claiming that donald
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trump is the first racist president. >> he's the first one -- the first one -- the first one -- the first one. >> but the truth is donald trump is just one of many racist presidents. in fact, historically speaking, very few presidents weren't racist, and one of them was black. so this november, vote for trump, the only candidate racist enough to be president. >> i'm donald trump and i approve this message. person woman man camera tv. >> trevor: whoo! devastating! we have to take a quick break, but when we come back we'll tell you about america's new pasttime spanish flu. stick around. ♪ finally! the crispiness of ritz and the bold taste of cheese... together in one perfectly "critzpy" bite. well, a few bites. who's gunna eat just one? new ritz cheese crispers crispy, cheesy, critzpy ritz
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i'm an associate here at amazon. step onto the blue line, sir. this device is giving us an accurate temperature check. you're good to go. i have to take care of my coworkers. that's how i am. i have a son, and he said, "one day i'm gonna be like you, i'm gonna help people." you're good to go, ma'am. i hope so. this is my passion. if i can take of everyone who is sick out there, i would do it in a heartbeat.
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"the daily distancing show." it's no secret that america is struggling with the coronavirus. part of the reason is that hardly anyone alive has ever seen a pandemic like this before. in fact, to find the closest one, you have to go back over 100 years. >> the nation's top infectious disease expert dr. anthony fauci says this current pandemic may match the horror of 1918's flu epidemic. >> this is a pandemic of historic proportions. we can't deny that fact. it's something i think that when history looks back on it, it will be comparable to what we saw in 118. >> trevor: yes, to find something similar to corona, you have to go back to 1918. that's way back, like back before they even invented smiling. would you like to try smiling? but this is a picture. >> i know, do something crazy. yeah, you're right. won't work. what has america learned since
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the 1918 spanish flu? turns out, not a lot. as we'll see in another installment of "if you don't know, now you know." the spanish flu of 1918 had a lot in common with coronavirus 20206789 it infected millions around the gloarks spread through coughs and sneezes, and through much, we were wiping our butts with old newspapers. the biggest difference is how america society responded. in both eras, the pandemic spread thanks to the mismanagement of the federal government. >> mr. trump downplayed it. >> woodrow wilson tried to minimize the spanish flu.
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>> woodrow wilson pretended it didn't happen. >> discarding the existing advice from his own public health experts. >> woodrow wilson encouraged public events, told mayors and governors to have military parades. >> despite public warnings, president trump is encouraging thousands of people to gravitier for a fireworks display. >> you had national public health leaders saying such things as this is ordinary influenza by another name. >> view this the same as the flu. >> the surgeon general said if proper precautions are taken, you have no cause for alarm. >> this is no reason for panic at all. >> it's going to disappear one day. it's like a miracle, it will disappear. >> trevor: trump is making all the same mistakes that woodrow wilson once made. i know we said we wanted him to be more presidential but not that president. sometimes it seems like trump is a frankenstein but made up of only the worst parts of all previous presidents. we know he has the pandemic response of woodrow wilson, the racism of andrew jackson.
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the horniness of bill clinton, the vocabulary of george w. bush and stuffed into taft's body. the lack of leadership created a vacuum in 118 that allowed misinformation and dangerous cures to be spread as fast as the virus. >> as the coronavirus virus is spreading worldwide, the misinformation is spreading too. >> president trump is spreading the conspiracy the virus was begun in china. >> they blamed the germans, saying beyer, a german owned company infected their as prison. >> the president offers snake oil treatments -- >> the president suggested americans can ingest themselves with disinfect tons ward off covid 19. >> the disinfectant knocks it out in a minute. >> snake oil sailsmen had a field day. >> vick's said it stimulated the mucus membrane to throw off the
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germs. >> flenlty of ads touting medicines, tablets, the use of disinfectants. >> trevor: people back in the day were so dumb, they thought you could spread flu through as prison? i mean, everyone knows that diseases are spread through 5g. that's why you turn on airplane mode. i actually admired conspiracy theorists back then because they didn't have youtube to spread ideas by wii means to get people to believe this stuff they had to go door to door. ( knocking ) good day, ma'am, the rockefellers are recording a vaccine to hear your thoughts. plies hit like or subscribe. i'll return in a few days. if you like what i say, i'll recommend my friends who tell you why the earth is really flat. i'm willing to bet the vick's conspiracy was started with an african dad because they try to fix everything with vick's. daddy, can i get a hug? i'm sad. you need to put vick's on your chest.
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it will warm up your heart. now go away. here's the thing, what we saw in 1918 and we're seeing today is the lack of trust in leadership doesn't just cause the wrong treatments to spread, it also makes it much harder for the trying to treatments to sprenchtsd cities recommended face masks, though many residents didn't take that suggestion seriously. >> despite the alarming spike, many people still refuse to wear masks. >> a mask mandate followed but not everyone complied. >> masks are mandated here, not everyone likes the rule. >> you guys are violating federal law, you get that? >> one woman declared the ordinance unconstitutional. >> they say it interferes with their personal liberty and it's unconstitutional. >> the antimasked sentiment coal eased into something organized. >> are you going to allow the government to dwrowl you have to wear a mask? >> no! >> trevor: it's bad enough team today don't want to wear masks but why wouldn't people in
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118 wear masks? the past smelled like shit all the time. forget the flu, i would have worn a mask not to smell the horse crap and pre-running-water b.o. i would tell them masks actually helped bring an end to the spanish flu. the harts would be, like, oh, yeah, if masks worked so well, how come they're dead now? it is depressing it's been 100 years and masks are still the best invention for stop ago pandemic. if someone traveled in a time machine, i traveled into the future, pray tell what ways can you stop a virus, nose lasers? no, a mask. still a mask? yes. but now it's blue! so far, america has repeated all the mistakes with corona that it made during the spanish flu. and if the americans don't do the un-american thing of learning from history, then 2020 will be bound to repeat the worst of 2019, the second wave.
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>> backlash from business owners, pressured cities to reopen. as cities eased guidelines, some were hit with the second wave of the flu. st. louis, bahama and omaha saw some cases after lifting. >> denver opens. thousands glock to the streets for an aramisties stay celebration. no more than ten days later signs that the city opened up too soon became clear as the death toll rises again. >> in san francisco the cases went almost down to zero. the city said let's open up and have a great big parade. we'll all take off our masks together. because of that event, two months later, the great influenza came back roaring. >> trevor: that's something we have to keep in mind. the lesson of 1918 is bringing crowds back too soon will bring the virus back, too. so as much as i hate to say it, we actually need to get trump reelected. yeah, because if there's anyone who knows how to keep a crowd size down it's him.
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that's where we are. it's clear nothing has really changed since 1918, except for the fac that, now, our clothing shows off our butts. and with the spanish full, america has ignored the spread of covid 19 until it was too late. even now america isn't taking the steps needed to flatten the curve. but it's not too late to learn from history. so, america, put on a mask, socially distance because the way things are going right now, by the time 2120 comes around, they won't -- there won't be anyone left to learn from our mistakes. when we come back, desi lydic checks in with her uncle rudy giuliani. stick around.
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you know, in these corona times, everyone is keeping in touch with their relatives with zoom calls. and that includes our very own desi lydic. now, a few weeks ago, we were shocked to learn that one of desi's distant relatives is fox news anchor jeanine pirro, and we just found out desi is also related to rudy giuliani, which sin sane. yeah, he's her uncle on her second cousin's married side thrice divorced. so just this week, desi checked in with uncle rudy to see how he's holding up during the pandemic. >> hey, uncle rudie. i saw a deformed potato in the store and reminded me i hadn't checked in with you in a while. doing okay with the pandemic and everything. >> not doing as well now. >> sorry to hear that. are you staying busy? i fiend it helpful to stick to a schedule like a daily agenda. >> interesting. george soar ross set out on his own agenda.
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>> uncle rudy, can we please not do the george soros stuff again? >> it's a marxist, anarchist agenda. >> let's not talk politics. >> it's "black lives matter," soar ross to the tune of $30 million. >> believed believed and george soar ross want what? >> your property, the governor to control it and want one preferred class that will get a lifetime salary. >> doesn't make sense. >> black people will get that and they'll get to choose the property that they want and reparations for slavery. >> uncle rudy, that's not how reparations work! what are you even talking about? >> this marxist, terrorist-inspired document. >> please, let's talk about something else! i'm thinking about painting kids' room a different color, like a fun yellow or something. >> what about all the people that do -- all the crazy
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painting on walls and stuff like that, the graffiti people. >> yeah, that's an interesting idea, mm-hmm. i think i'm probably just going to do it myself. anything else new? have you guys seen "hamilton" yet? >> i don't want a group that hates white people, that hates north america, that had been organized by marxist and funded by terrorists, i don't want that seen by my children. >> everything tracks back to marks i'm with you. i if i said puppies, the first words -- >> commune i'm, marks i'm, socialism. >> see, exactly. all right, i really -- i've got to go because i'm pretty behind on some stuff. maybe we'll talk again sometime. >> we have got to get together. we have to be together. i could take you to philadelphia or st. louis, or minneapolis. >> i'm not really doing planes right now. but, yeah, i would love to go to st. louis with you when things calm down a bit.
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i'm sure busy now. >> so are marxists, by the way. >> couldn't help yourself. talk again in a month. bye! >> trevor: wow. you're a great niece, desi. after the break, i'll be speaking to renowned therapist esther perel, and she will help you figure out how not to break up during coronavirus. yeah, i'm talking to you. stay tuned. >> trevor: welcome bo
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"the daily distancing show." earlier today, i spoke with efforts efforts, psychotherapist, author and host of the hit podcast, "where should we begin?." we talked about dating and counseling couples during the pandemic. so if you're a couple and you're in the pandemic, this is for you. efforts efforts, welcome to "the daily distancing show." >> thank you. i am so socially distant from you right now as well. >> trevor: the name esther perel, people think of mating in captivity, the ted talks. people know you as somebody who talks about the complexities of dating in the modern world. but now, the modern world is a completely different world, and, so, i'm sure, as a therapist who talks to so many different couples, i've seen what coronavirus has done to relationships. has coronavirus been good or bad
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for people's relationships? >> there's only two options, right? ( laughter ) people sometimes either complain about being too close, too much together, 24-7 on top of each other and wanting more air, or people have longed for more connection, more closeness, more contact because they have been too far apart. so on some level, at the extremes, people have either said too much or too little. that's one thing i would say that's really fundamentally changed at this moment. but, basically, when you have a pandemic, when you have a disaster, it intensifies everything, and it functions as a relationship accelerator. what it means is that you have a sense of uncertainty, you don't know where we're going, we still don't know where we're going. there's a prolonged sense of uncertainty, there's a deep unknown and, as a result, there is also a sense of more tall that is hovering over you. so people are saying life is short, and when life is short, you start to push all the
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superfluous overboard and you hone in on the essentials and the priorities and you basically say what am i waiting for, hence, let's get married, let's have babies, let's move, or i've waited long enough, i have been here all along, i'm out of here. so from past disasters, you know it's a proliferation of babies and divorces that follow pandemics. >> trevor: a proliferation of babies and divorces. what a way to think of coronavirus and its effect on us as human beings. on your podcast, it's really interesting because you spoke to couples in quarantine. what are you found are some things that helped or hinder couples who either have to spend all their time together or apart? >> so, you know, what i looked at in where should we begin was exactly that, what are the acute stressors that directly influence the way that the couples are either getting along or not getting along at this moment? what happens when you have a
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complete overhaul of the roles? one person doesn't have his or her job, in this case in the sicilian cupping in where should we begin, the man loses his job, she works in the hospital and has to go every day, she has the three young children, and the entire structure of the family has changed overnight. in addition, they were kind of already living with a rather big rift between the two of them and suddenly they find themselves turned into a whole different level of interdependence. so you have different coping styles, and you have really a sense of exacerbation of our coping styles. it's not negative, per se. what makes it good is when the complimentary exists between people and one says i'm good at this, you're good at that and these are both necessary. what is not so helpful is when one says to the other, my coping strategy is the right strategy, why are you worried? or the other one who says you're
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not taking enough precautions, that's the classic at this moment, and each person thinks the way they manage their fear is actually the right way of being in the world. >> trevor: i think what you said earlier on is something that we have to address considering what's been happening, and that's been the stressors. the stressors in the relationship, the tensions, the conflicts that have been exacerbated from america to south africa to india to all over the globe, we've seen a dramatic rise in domestic abuse within relationships. is there something that we attribute that to? is it something that was always going to happen or does coronavirus make it happen and then how do we deal with it in society? how do couples or groups of people deal with this issue that's causing so many women to be domestically abused in a way that they weren't before? >> and children. but, look, i think that what happens is that, in this instance, because not all domestic violence is on the side of men, sometimes we talk about 15% being on the side of women,
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but predominantly, it's on the men's side. when you lose your job, when you can't provide, when you lose your status, when you feel worthless, when you have money worries, when the stress becomes acute, you have all the conditions, that kind of agony is the right conditions for domestic violence and violence against children. it's been like this. and for some, sometimes the very fact that their partner can't protect themselves and can't go out exacerbates the power that they have over them. you're trapped with me, and if you really want to go out, go see what will happen to you. so what we do, there are all kinds of things societies have tried with apps, with codes where women can go to the supermarket and they can give the code and they can identify themselves as being vulnerable, as being in danger as needed to be removed and go to the hospital, there are systems that are trying to create safe places, but, no, you don't just
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have the system in place before. so you want to try to make suret that people maintain as much as possible a job or have a sense of security. you want to take away those exacerbaters that are likely to help you strike. >> trevor: you always talk about how, you know, we have multiple relationships with people, even if it is the same relationship. as things change and we change, we move into defense relationships. so as the world changes, do you think people should take like a restock of their relationship and what they're looking for and what they are currently in because they're living in a new world? because someone may say, i wanted to married, but not if it means the person is here 24 hours a day. or i wanted to be, you know, more single and free but not if it means i'm alone 24 hours a day. is this the time for people to take stock or not because it's coronavirus? >> i think that people are taking stock no matter what. people realize i didn't mean to be with the person. we quarantined together and i
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realized i could never have done this alone. i'm so grateful for the presence of this other person. >> trevor: right. >> so it goes all over the place. it also is the fact that, at this moment, if you work at home, you also have all your roles at the same table, on the same chair. you are the c.e.o. or the worker, the parent, the teacher, the child, the partner, the lover. i mean, there is no difference between your roles and that itself is exhausting. that's why boundaries are so important. we have unprecedented expectations of our relationships both in the romantic and the work sphere. we expect from our relationships meaning, belonging and community, it's like a whole village, and i think that, in a moment like this, we know that mental he'll is deeply connected to social connection, and that means that even if you:see people, which is not necessarily
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the case, you can take walks with people, you can call them, you know, it doesn't always have to be on zoom, the essential important thing here is not that you are confined with one person, it means your whole life is the with one person. your whole life needs all the connections if not more so. people begin to call people they haven't seen in years, how are you, what happened to you? they went to their memory lane, you know? and want to stay connected socially and two is be helpful to others. when you're helpful to others, even your neighbors whom you never met before, you actually feel less passive and less helpless in the face of this wig unknown and these two things are essential elements of mental health. it's basically lanesle health. >> trevor: i could talk to you for hours on this but i guess that's why you have the podcast and books. hopefully we'll have you back again after coronavirus to find out how we tweak our relationships now that we're
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free again and seeing strangers in the street for the first time. esther perel, thank you so much for joining us. >> thank you. bye, trevor. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. before we go, i wanted to remind you america is facing a nationwide poll worker shortage because most poll workers are over 60 and the coronavirus means they can't show up. fewer poll workers means fewer polling stations and longer lines people can't afford to stay in especially in communities of color. most poll working is paid and you can be as young as 16 to work. we've partnered with power to the polls to ask you to be a poll worker and over 40,000 you have have already signed up. so thank you to every sing one of you who are giving your time to save your granny and protect democracy. niewfnt signed up and want to save money, go to the link below to learn more. until next week, stay safe, wash
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your hands and i'll see you at the glory hole. first, here it is, your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( video game soundsbrook [quirky electric guitar music] - ♪ i'm going own to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptationn♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled]


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