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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  May 3, 2022 1:14am-2:00am PDT

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we've got this thing. you guys are a really great audience, can i tell already, you know how i know, because you chose to be in a room with me knowing that i just returned from a superspreader event in d.c.. so that's love. i feel it. i feel it i hope it's love that i feel. we've got a really great show for you tonight from the hit show time talk show ziwe, ziwe is joining us, everybody. yeah. plus its mid term elections are heating up so we are going to find out which politicians are more offing into donald trump. so-- morphing into done all trump, so let's do this, let's jump straight into today's ted lines. okay, let's' kick things off with the latest news coming out of ukraine. it has now been ten weeks since vladimir putin decided to man spread in the worst way possible. and all over the world everyone has been inspired and impressed by the forth teud of the ukrainian people. i know i am.
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if the russian army came to my apartment and said trevor, this apartment belongs to russia, i would have just been like okay, i will sleep on the couch? fine. but ukraine hasn't done that, no, they have not backed down. and over the weekend the country got some moral support from the these united states when house speaker nancy pelosi lead a small group of democratic congress people on a surprise visit to president volodymyr zelenskyy in kyiv, yeah. an when i say surprise, i mean it was a surprise to us stvment not like it wasn't a surprise to ukraine, they have enough going on without having to rush out at the last minute for a veggie platter. like what does she eat, get some hummus, maybe a. >> meanwhile many countries have done tell-- condemned russia since the invasion. but israel, specifically, had one thing that particularly upset them. before launching their war, russia claimed the reason it was invading was to remove ukraine's
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nazi government from power. that is what they said. and people were like well that's weird, because zelenskyy is literally jewish. but okay. it was a weird accusation, and so now russian foreign minister lavrov tried to explain russia's comments and if he was trying to make things worse with israel, well mission accomplished. >> israel is sum mondaying the russian ambassador for talks after russia's foreign minister claimed in an interview it doesn't mat thary the ukrainian president is jewish since quote hitler had jewish blood and that the worst anti-semites are jews. israel's form enminister says lavrov's remarks are unforgivable outrageous and terrible historical error and the lowest level of racist against jews is to accuse jews of antisemitism. >> trevor: did this guy say that jews are the worst anti-semites? you couldn't think of anyone else, everyone else. that is the most ridiculous thing have i ever heard and i have heard ridiculous thing, i once heard that hawkeye should
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get his spin off movie, i'm sorry, no, i'm not watching archery for three hours, that is just the olympics. so what else does this guy believe, that the johnson & johnson is the cool vaccine? who are you, man? and keep in mind, all of this is happening because russia painted themselves into a corner. what they did, they claimed that their war was about denazi phiing ukraine and everyone could tell it was bull shit. they could have given an excuse that wasn't so easy to disprove. they should have said they were going in to defeat ukraine's ghosts, think about t then they could just declare victory and go home, they could be like all ghosts have been removed from spooky positions in ukrainian government. it shame you cannot see how successful we are because as i said they are ghost, think way we win, war is over, good-bye now, good-bye. (applause) let's move on. to a story that actually is an update from something that we covered last week. and it takes place in england.
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the country holding oned to the rest of the world's artifacts for safe keeping. yeah, because i mean if someone colonized you then they would take all your stuff, at least it is safe, think about it last week a british lawmaker was busted for watching pornography during on his phone during a session of particle am. because this seng land, not france, right t caused a huge uproar. and it was such a big yoap roar in fact, that the mp resigned from his position. and issued an apology. and an explanation for why he was watching porn on the job. and apparently he says he was actually looking for some equipment for his farm and things took a wrong turn. >> it was tractedders i was looking at. and i did get into another website, of a similar name. and i watched it for a bit which i shouldn't have done. but my crime, most biggest crime is that on another occasion i went in a second time.
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(laughter). >> trevor: oh man. yeah, this guy says he was looking for a website for farmers and accidentally ended up on a sex site with a similar name, no, no, i wanted corn oh bother, oh bother, no, you know it sounds like he is eling it the truth, honestly. because he incriminates himself. he said he tried to search for farm equipment, land and a porn website, switched it off but then he said later, maybe i should look for another tractor. i actually like that. because in the beginning i didn't buy this guy's excuse that he was just looking for tractors and farm equipment. and then i started googling farm equipment. and people, you would be shocked at how naughty farm equipment actually sounds. google could throw you off, farm stuff, they have pipe layer, they have spinner spreaders. they have backhoes.
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they have turf sprayers. they have double furrow plows. it all sounds obscene, all i wanted was to start a farm to raise my giant cocks and now you've ruined me. but you know what is amazes to me about this story is how politicians can lose their jobs for normal things everyone does like watching porn or having an affair but if they are busted for do something that destroy os oar people's life, nothing happen, did you just make a deal with a corporation to pollute our rivers and lakes that make people sick, yes, i did. well at least you weren't watching porn, just try not to do it again. all right, that's all that matters. that's all that matters. (applause) and finally, this next story, takes place in space. earth's attic, for decades humans have been obsessed with trying to get to mars. why? well, we just want to see what it is like, you know. it is not like there is anything wrong with earth, we just want to see what is going on out
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there you know, the same way your dad is currently looking for apartments. the marriage is fine, just needs a place to hang, you know, the parent thing is it is not your fault t is not your fault, anyway the point is humans are desperate to find out everything we can about mars. did it used to have water. can it support life, can it be gentrified. and now thanks to nasa, we have discovered something amazing on the red planet. >> nasa says its ingenue itamars helicopter recently discovered and surveyed the debris from the agency's perseverance rover mission on mars one year ago. >> nasa photos show the parachute that helped the rover land on mars as well as the cone shaped backshell that protected it during its fiery descent toward the martian surface on february 18th, 2021. nasa says being able to look at some of the components that enable the rover to get safely to the martian surface could provide valuable incites for
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future missions. (laughter). >> trevor: that's it? are you kidding? nasa's big discovery on mars is some garbage that they left there? laugh laugh why are you announcing-- what are you-- i expect this shit from a five year old, not the greatest space agency in the world, look, mommy i found a poop in the toilet, that's your poop you [bleep] idiot. how is nasa proud that we left trash on mars, think about that, if anything we should be embarrassed. the first thing we do on another planet is litter? i mean i guess it is good to set expectations early but still, guys. you can imagine what the martians think of us right now? sheila, sheila! the two legged freaks came back again and left more trash. i swear to glop, if they move here we're going to venus. i don't care if it is further from your sister. at least it doesn't have these
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shaved monkeys showing up and leaving their shit on our lawn. i would love some tea, thank you, honey. all right, that's it nor the headlines. (applause) before we go to break, let's check in on the stock market with our finance expert michael kosta, everybody. >> what's happening in the market today. >> well, you know, the market i am crushing it, i am crushing the market-- . >> trevor: so you say. >> i got a hot tip for you and i got a hot tip for all you, and so but before we get into it, that story, about mars, you know don't have to go to mars to photograph trash, you know, new york city hasn't picked up trash in brooklyn since 2020. if you want to see, if you want to see some out of this world trash go to 34 maycon street, that is where i live. >> trevor: i don't think you give your address. >> yeah, right, actually one other thing, that minister, the one who was watching porn, that is not funny.
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you know, that is appalling. it is disgusting and very unprofessional. okay? >> trevor: okay. >> let's get to the stocks. >> trevor: cool. >> all right. now typically an expert investor like myself, i would say invest in the s&p, invest in the dgia or an even etif like eti but when things are this volatile you need an alternative investment strategy. and that is why i like to promote the monetary international liquidated fund, okay. if you need to know more about it grab your computer g somewhere safe and tiech in milf, okay. now lock the door. experts like myself like-- do your research so to speak. if you want something a little more aggressive, maybe not as used there is always the annuity net asset loan, okay. just type in a-n-a-l and look,
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sometimes it's going to hurt but you are going to get out of your comfort zone and there is going to be groatd. now it's not-- growth, it is not just all ticker symbol recommendations from an expert like myself, i read a heartbreaking story recently of a young woman who ruined her father's inheritance. and we have to learn from these types of stories because it helps us to protect our money, be smart with our finances. grab your computer and just google stepdaughter blows father's load. i think you'll take a lot away from it, personally. but my hot tip, hot tip, you know those privacy screens we put on computers so people can't look at our computer screen. >> trevor: yeah, on your phone sl as well. >> we should just buy those. yeah, invest in those. >> trevor: invest in those, michael kosta, everybody. >> yeah, you should buy them. >> trevor: don't go away, when we come back republicans want to punch each other in ohio and
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primary happening in ohio which everyone is watching. cuz you know what they say, as ohio goes, so goes the nation. >> yeah. >> so america better pray ohio doesn't switch to natural deodorant, that shit doesn't work, it is just a rock, now i stink and my armpit hurtses anyway ohio republicans are battling it out to win the senate, when i say battling it out i mean it because their debates have almost come to blows. >> the gop said a debate in ohio almost getting violent when can dad josh mandel rose from his sight to get in the face of matt gibbons. >> you back off. >> d-- mike gibbons. >> two tours in iraq. >> you are dealing with the wrong guy, watch what happens. >> you watch what happens.
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>> trevor: yeah, kiss him. kiss him on the lips. is that not what is happening? sorry, i misread the situation. seems like there was a lot of sexual tension, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, look, i knew american politics were unpredictable. never thought the republican party would pick its leaders wakanda style, you know. like it maybe that is the thing they should add to the debate. cuz i was watching this and was like could you have a section where the politicians get to duke it out. it will get more voters engaged in politics and the candidates would be a lot more willing to comprise if they knew its other person could beat their ass. >> you know. >> i'm never raising taxes on the rich, okay, maybe a little bit, i see your point. now as it stands the gop race has five main candidates vying for the top spot. but there is one name everyone keeps talking about. jd vance. is he a yale graduate, a venture
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capitalist and became famous for writing the book turned horrible movie hillbilly elegy where he explained that white people become racist because they're poor. yeah. that's why they say the "n" word with a hard, because they can't afford a vowell. what makes jd vance unique in this field of republicans is all the trash that he talked about their dear leader donald jelly fish trump. >> i'm a never trump guy, i never liked him. >> in february of 2016 he wrote trump's actual policy proposals range from immoral to absurd. >> mr. trump is unfit for our nation's highest office. >> three months later he wrote trump is cultural heroin. he makes some people feel better for a bit, but he cannot fix what ails them. and one day they will realize it. >> former roommate of mr. vance sharing his text messages from 2016 in which mr. vance reportedly told people how he thought that donald trump was going to be quote america's hitler. >> i can't stomach trump, i
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think that he is obnoxious. >> trevor: wow, i think trump's knox us. i can only imagine that when trump heard that he was probably like what does noxious mean. (laughter) tdz jd vance slams trump in every way possible, every way possible. but in his defense, he did all of that before he realized that trump was going to win. >> cuz you see now that trump has the gop in the palm of his tiny hands, jd vance is now fully on board the trump rain, and i mean fully, not just him, basically everyone in this race has spent the entire campaign trying to show that they were the trump. >> trump fought back and so have i. >> trump and gibbons are businessmen with a backbone. trump saved our economy before. gibbons knows how to do it again. >> there are pretenders in the senate race, james hintons is the real trump conservative. >> josh mandel, progod, progun,
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protrump tuz wow, progod and protrump. so he is saying those two are different things, this dude's candidacy is toast. but this is some serious devotion, i'm the real trump conservative. can i save the economy just like trump. i once shook trump's hand and i haven't washed it since. my doctor said it's why i get sick so often. so yeah, basically every one-- spent the entire week trying to get the seal of approval from king donald. >> even the people who don't think too highly of him, it is normal now whether jd vance or kevin mccarthy or countless other republican, the entire party right now is basically mean girls. they'll talk shit about trump behind his back but to his face it is like oh my god, donald, you look so hot. oh my god. i wish i had your fupa. oh my god. and guess what, guess what, in the end, after months of
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competing to see who, who could stick their nose the furthereddest up trump's ass, the trump endorsement went to none another-- none other than than jd vance, although clearly trump doesn't care about heese people as much as they care about him. because listen what trump says when he tries to promote jd vance, this happened in a speech yesterday. >> that is what they are waiting for. they are waiting for one race, we endorsed dr. oz. -- weence dorsed jp, right, jd mandel and he's doing great, they're all doing good. >> trevor: that was weird. that was weird. you could see even the crowd was look looking like man, they look like parents watching their kid bombing in a spelling bee, those are injure gene, yeah. cuz you realize not only did trump mess up jd vance which say tongue twister, he also combined his name with another candidate he josh mandel. swi so shity i feel bad for jd vance because now he has to change his name too jpjd mandel.
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yeah does if you were a republican trump is never wrong. at the gop starbucks, whatever name trump calls, that is you. jd-- jp mandel, yeah, that's me, i'll take it. so that is the republican snalt race in ohio right now and honestly anything can happen, anything. in fact there is even a chance that all of these maga campers could split the vote and matt dolan, the one candidate in the race who doesn't think joe biden stole the election with the help of aliens and glomby obama bin laden could actually squeeze out a win. so for all the voters out there ho don't really like any of these candidates and you in ohio remember that you can still write in the name of the true underdog in this race. jpjd-jc-jg-mandelk i'm rooting for you, don't go away, after the break. ziwe is on the show, we'll be right back.
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it's that simple. ♪ ♪ >> welcome back to the daily show, my guest tonight is writer and comedian ziwe, also here to talk about being the star of her second season of her hit show time series ziwe. >> are there any marginalized communities you want to apologize to? >> i don't know, maybe the-- community. >> i don't feel like i've truly done anything offensive so. >> you don't see it as cultural appropriation, you see its alike a celebration of culture. >> uh-huh. >> and filter justice words can go kick rock. >> yes, yeah, yeah. >> no commentses, got it. >> please welcome ziwe.
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(applause) >> hello. >> welcome tok the show ziwe. >> thank you for having me, i'm yopped excited. >> trevor: you're beyond excited. mi enthralled by everything you are doing, genuinely. because you have what is quickly become like people's favorite show on tv. >> wow. >> trevor: because i mean we just saw in that clip, you created a show that is uniquely you in that you will interview people and it's like the most awkward interview of all time. >> people would say that i don't make it awkward on purpose. mi just a little strange. >> trevor: okay, okay, but here is the thing. so i remember when you first started, it was on youtube originally. >> yeah. >> trevor: and then it really blew up on instagram. during the pandemic. and i would watch people and they would talk to you on
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instagram, the biggest celebrity, i'm going to let ziwe interview me, they looked like idiots, sometimes. and other times they just looked like they didn't know what was going on. i was like, how do you get the people to keep talking to you? >> well, i celebrate icons and i enable icons to say iconic things. (applause) >> >> trevor: i love that. oh man. so when people come to the show, do they know the vibe ahead of time? >> yeah. episodes are available for streaming. >> trevor: but it seems like they don't expect it sometimes, like we love it as the viewers. >> yeah. >> trevor: and we watch your guest and it seems like they have just been hit by a ten pound truck. >> i think well, so i am very personable. and so i connect with them and maybe that's surprising that i'm so kind and hospitable (laughter). >> trevor: i also love that
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the show has all of these segments that have created that have gone not just viral but into people's hearts. we have got the guest segments where you interview people. you also have the music which there is going to be an album at some point, yes. >> yeah, definitely, definitely. i identify as a pop star. >> yeah? >> yeah. >> trevor: cuz i love, don't be poor. >> stop being poor, yes. >> trevor: that's a bomb. >> thank you. are you loving living by-- . >> trevor: it is a very powerful song, the lyrics don't match, yeah. >> i like, i just think that trickle down economics, it works. and i think if you look at yourself in the mirror and say stop being poor, eventually it will happen. and that's why i am running for congress. >> trevor: it feels like this is the kind of show that you probably couldn't have made, years and years ago. like it's so unique, it's so
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you, it's so specific, it's loved by people who know exactly what the show is about. like do you think could you have always done this? has this always been your brand of comedy? >> i have always done this? no, because the show pulls from real housewives and eric andre and colbert report so if you think it exists 15 years ago. but the comedy is condition sis ent, this is my personality. it is a hyperbolic character but there is a kernell in there. >> deep down inside. >> i mean i am kinder than the characters, even. >> trevor: are you also, you are also supremely talented not just as a character but as yourself, writing, creating, performing, you have like a very specific vision for what you want. some people don't get it at all. like i heard that your parents don't, they don't get what you do. >> no, they have no understanding of what i do. do your parents know love what you do. >> trevor: my mom smoas knows a talk to people, but i think she gets it a little bit more,
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do you know what i mean. >> my parents think i just talk to gayle king for a living like once a year they see me on cbs this morning, they're like wow, gayle, great into are they proud of you, like i know nigerian parns are very proud when their kids do anything, are you crushing it whatever they are doing, are they proud. >> they are definitely proud of what i am doing although they do wish that i was a doctor. but it say little late. >> trevor: that is what i was wondering, they have that vibe, like what are you doing on tv, huh. >> are you causing trouble, literally don't tell people your last name, we don't want people to know who we are. >> trevor: wow, so you have all these guests on the show n that clip, so for people who don't understand the context, chet hanks, tom hank's son. >> yeah. >> trevor: he blew up again online because like you know, he will speak, he will say things like people are like you are appropriatable jamaican culture and it was an interesting story like jamaicas are like we love this guy, he is doing it properly, he understands our culture, this sour vibe. people in america are like this
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is disgusting, don't do it. and chet is i don't give a damn what everyone thinks i don't care about you, you got limb tho come on the show, he doesn't speak to anyone, how did you get him to go on. >> chet and i went to college together. >> trevor: o. >> fun fact. i tried to book him to instagram live, he did not want to do that. we had a guest drop out, we were texting me congratulating me and i asked again and he flew in two days later. >> trevor: that is amazing. >> yeah. >> trevor: just come in, chet. >> yes. brave t is brave that i text hank, thank you, thank you, no, it was great. i mean he asked if we could promote his fitness happen app which we do on the show, about 20 minutes of chat. >> you got to love him. >> trevor: and you interviewed chacialt main, leonard he is a controversial figure, for some people and others are like is he just doing his thing. was that a clash of the titans for you. >> was it a clash of the tieans, no i like to think that i'm
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embracing every one of my guest, giving them a warm hug. >> trevor: i like that you think that. and i like that they have this feeling, you know. who do you think has been your favorite guest, season one at least. >> it's hard to-- geseses are like children, you can't pick a favorite. >> trevor: but you can. >> you can but like-- so dwring it is different energies. >> trevor: but you can pick, every parent knows, every parent deep down knows knows they say they don't. >> are you an only child, that is why you say that. >> trevor: no, no, no, i've got two brothers and my mum knows. i mean it is like every parent knows, every kid assume tses is them, by the way, but i think every parent knows. >> but do they say? >> trevor: oh, okay, so you won't say but you know. so don't say, just look at me
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and i will know. look at me and think of your favorite. now i know. yeah, i know. can i feel it. i know now. i know. (applause) the show has become a critical smash hit. you have turned portions of it into like a live performance as well. you created something completely new, completely different, what do you plan to do for the future where is ziwe going to do, obviously will you keep doing the show hopefully and what do you want to do. >> the white house, the presidency. >> trevor: oh, like the actual-- oh, wow, so then let's talksabout it, ziwe becomes president what are some of your policies. >> stop being poor. >> trevor: okay. powerful, nobody has thoght of that. i like that. no one, i don't think any politician has thought of that as, it may work, very powerful. any other ideas to fix the country. >> get rich, myself. >> trevor: okay, all right, anything in addition to that. >> bratz dolls for every human
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in america. >> trevor: wow, powerful policies that you are putting forward. >> thank you. i haven't thought about my platform but you don't really need a platform any more. >> trevor: ur have just got to be. >> famous. (laughter) (applause). >> trevor: oh man, new episodes of ziwe streams fridays on showtime, we'll take a quick break, we'll be right back after this.
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>> trevor: that's our show for tonight, but before we go, before we go, please consider supporting counseling4kids an organization founded with the goal of providing mental health services to children in los angeles county's foster care system. counseling for kids has grown to serve approximately 1600 children per year with a large team of highly killed licensed therapists providing assessments and weekly therapy to children and youth. so if you can support them in their work, please donate at the link bloarks until tomorrow, stay safe out there and remember, if people think are you a piece of trash on earth, just go to space. they'll love you. now here st, your moment of zen.
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>> one joke that he did say that i kind of like, republican support some guy named brandon. >> i kind of like that, that was the only thing that i thought was worthy of laughing at. >> so jimmy goes to washington. >> i don't know how this would have went if i was sober but i feel good about it. >> i didn't watch any of it last night. i was busy squeezing my dog's butt glansdz and watching is it cake. so that saul i've got. captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪
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- ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪
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♪ ♪ whether someone is across the neighborhood, across the street, or across the room, you have the power to make them feel right at home. ♪ ♪ ritz. a taste of welcome.
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- [both imitating speedboat sounds] - pew pew pew pew pew. - dude, you were right, cartman. your uncle roy has a sweet boat. - yeah, isn't this fun? just you and me hanging out, stan. no stupid kyle around. - man, i wish i could really drive this thing. - you know how? - sure, i do. - well, here; roy keeps the keys in the glove box. - dude, i don't think your uncle'd want us driving it. - nobody's gonna know if we just drive it around the marina real quick. look, if anything happens, i'll take full responsibility. - okay, turn on the ignition. - awesome. - okay. [engine revving] - we're not moving.
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maybe you have the parking brake on. - boats don't have parking brakes, dumbass. they only have-- oh, wait, neutral button. - [screaming] - other way. other way. [screaming] - jesus christ. - stan, beaver dam. very large beaver dam, stan. [screaming] - oh, dude. oh, jesus. - dude, stan, you are in serious trouble. - you said you'd take responsibility to your uncle roy. - i don't even have an uncle roy. that was just some guy's boat i knew about.
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- what? - look, it's okay. we weren't here. this didn't happen, okay? we were both at my house all afternoon long playing tea party, okay? now come on. we gotta bail. - oh, god, i hope i didn't hurt any beavers. - dude, come on, we gotta get outta here. - with an eye on america and all of today's events, it's south park evening news, with tom pusliker. peril, crisis, and fear tonight as what appears to be a massive flood has overtaken the town of beaverton, colorado, home of the world's largest beaver dam. earlier today, a break in the beaver dam which protected the town broke open, trapping people in their houses and destroying their lives. - oh, my gosh, those poor people. - tom, i'm currently ten miles outside of beaverton, unable to get inside the town proper. we do not have any reports of fatalities yet, but we believe that the death toll may be in the hundreds of millions. beaverton has only a population of about 8,000,
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tom, so this would be quite devastating. - any word on how the survivors in the town are doing, mitch? - we're not sure what exactly is going on inside the town of beaverton, tom, but we're reporting that there's looting, raping, and yes, even acts of cannibalism. - my god, you've actually seen people looting, raping, and eating each other? - no, we haven't actually seen it, tom. we're just reporting it. - you all done with your fish sticks, stan? - i'll help you, sharon. boy, that's just awful. - in the nearby town of south park, the cause of the beaverton flood is being investigated. - that's right. we know whose fault this is. - oh-oh. - it's george bush's fault. - yeah, george bush doesn't care about beavers. - george bush didn't break that beaver dam. it was terrorists and al qaeda. - they've been secretly building beaver dam w.m.d.s for years now. (all) yeah! - mom, dad, they're gonna go help those people, right?


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