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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  May 13, 2022 1:14am-2:00am PDT

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but mostly good looking. >> i'm sure, do you still remember when you were in school in town and, the whole school. >> i left my school bag behind. >> no you left your school bag-- at school. >> but gogo, the bag sheffee, you must leave the bag behind. >>s why? >> did you no he in india now they are now saying that kids munt get bags because it is making their bags ske-wed. so i was ahead of my time, gogo. i was in the future. >> my gran said oh, she said "oh, trevor is so naughty, so naughty, ooh." and my mom says, "yeah, you must beat him then." what do you mean, if he's naughty? "yeah, you must beat him. that's what he's for.
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you must hit him." and my grandam's like, "no, no, i can't hit him. i can't hit trevor, ooh. i can't hit him. with black children, i know how to hit them. i know i hit them, and i know what's going to happen. with trevor, i've seen when you hit him, he becomes blue and green and red and yellow." she says, "i don't know what's happening." she's like, "ooh, i don't want to kill a white child." my own grandmother afraid of administering discipline because she feared that she would be breaking the law in our house. she didn't want to hurt a white child. >> when you were with me here: "oh, trevor, you gave me tough time." >> trevor: why did i give you a tough time, gogo? >> because you wanted to play in the street, and i knew the flying squad was going to take you. >> trevor: so, if i was playing in the street, the police would have arrested me. >> yeah! you know there were kids who never knew what the white man was.
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>> trevor: so, they thought i was white. >> they knew you were white, and they ran away. >> trevor: the kids ran away from me? >> you! >> trevor: but why? >> it was the first time they see a white man in their location. >> trevor: so, for them, this was white. >> yeah. >> trevor: wow. i feel so special now, gogo, to know that there was a time that i was white. >> ( laughs ) >> trevor: ( laughs ) how old was i when this was happening, gogo? >> three years. >> trevor: three years old. when i was here, what did you do when i was naughty? >> those big bumps, they're not my slippers.
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who was nawtdier, me or my mom. >> she did what she wanted to do. >> you know how mom is. >> yeah, yeah. >> my and her and i, man, we have such a beautiful love and a bond for each other, you know, just have this thing. ever since she hit me. >> always full of life. come and catch me, and i didn't even feel t you know. you see? and then what do you do. and then what do you do. you must love. ♪♪ hi neighbor. did you switch to t-mobile home internet yet? trim your hedge. it's $50 bucks a month, with no price hikes. bam! ♪♪ it runs on t-mobile's wireless 5g network so all you gotta do is plug in one cord. t-mobile 5g home internet. just $50 bucks a month. no price hikes. no hidden fees. i did it. i switched to t-mobile home internet and i am loving it. don't sneak up on me like that. why didn't you tell me to switch earlier?
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baby, it's over. i mean, we both saw this coming... ♪ ♪ what a difference a day makes ♪ ♪ ♪ go further with the power and range of a lexus hybrid. whoa. get 2.49% apr financing on the 2022 rx 450 hybrid all-wheel drive. >> how's my grandmother doing, oh, she's fantastic man, 91 years old and 10 months. she makes me count the years and months as well. did she cook for me, no, she's too old. oh, no, no, she even says what do you do, oh me, she is like i just enjoy being alive and all
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she does s all she does is she chills at home, like her squad of grannies all just come and hang out, it is like a weird team of like superheroes where they've all got their specialties and then hers is that her memory is bulletproof so all her friends ask her about things they have forgotten about in life. but i'm like, she's got a better memory than me, my mom, everybody, she can tell you what year, what month, everything. her friends come over and offer random questions, she will be like where, where did i meet my husband. >> and then she'll be like oh, you met-- and then she'll tell stories t is amazing to watch, yeah, all she does all day, she loves writing, that is what she does. i asked her why, and she said to be 91, and know how to still read and write, oh i'm so blessed. >> that's all she does. yeah.
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my grandmother says it is the best, she says you know what, in life there are better flies and there are throw wers flowers. the butterfly is to fly around and tell the flower. are you a butterfly, your mother is a flower. >> you and your grandmother. >> she was great, really fun, she still doesn't get what we were doing. >> does she know what you do. >> no, no, but and you know what is great, she doesn't care, that is what i love. so my gran, trevor, that is why i like him. so i just don't want love to be determined by what i do and don't do in my work world. >> have i to be with my grandmother for "the daily show" and she does not know what i do, how i do t why i do t people tell her, when he had say we saw your grandson on "the daily show," she thinks somewhere. like they saw me some where. and she said my friend saw you at daily show. and i'm like on "the daily show." she's like whatever. >> have ever you watched "the daily show"? >> no, trevor.
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>> is my gran said she doesn't watch my show because sometimes electricity cuts out. which is a very plausible excuse and a nice way to let your grandson down. >> we have no electricity. >> trevor: no, i hear you, gogo. this-- i didn't expect that answer. it's a good answer, gogo. so, i must make sure you have a generator so you can watch my show. >> ( speaking different language ) wonderful. >> trevor: okay. >> ( speaking different language ) >> trevor: who fits the generator? okay, so i must get someone to fit the generator also. >> i think so. >> trevor: okay. >> ( speaking different language ) >> trevor: and then, i must also then fix the cable. okay. >> ( speaking different language )
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>> trevor: i feel like i've been tricked into doing a lot of things for you to watch my tv show, gogo. so i can't convince you to come and see that i managed white people. >> no. >> i only take you as my grandson. >> i appreciate that, go go. >> thank you for having us, go go, and thank you for letting me bring these cameras. and thank you for sharing these stories with my friends. and thank you for being amazing. >> you brought too many friends. >> trevor: i brought too many friends, gogo. you guys must leave now. ccw bc.dot is a word template is plank you must grssments i still believe the bible story and i will tell you why, because my grandmother, might watch this
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>> and then this is my number one lady, this is my number one.
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>> my gran. >> i got my height from her. francis noah. >> how old are you. >> 82. >> 82 years old, she still works, she still catches all of those texts, she doesn't want to retire. >> this is my gran. 82 years old. >> 82 years old. >> you're still pie gran. >> yep, hiding. >> it is outside, i will show it to you. >> going to be fine. >> can't feel it though. >> are you sure. >> they can't. >> you would be surprised. >> and people are watching,
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there are so many people. >> so many people, do you know what, they might be-- trevor. >> i am going to remember which one. >> i just remember hiding. >> in is the it, everything, and you have to make due and you live maybe two of you, three of you could live in here if family needed to. this is where. this is where it all was. >> so there were like eight of us, eight or nine of us. eight, nine, sometimes ten depending, i could sleep on the couch. we would sleep on the floor, on the couch and the floor. it was very normal that is what we did. >> i'm so happy. >> yeah, this is it. as small as it is, ten people living here, this was it. i think i might cry, wow. >> i won't cry because the
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cameras, yeah. wow,. >> because you can't find. >> you woke me up. receipts them see you with your grandson. >> with my grandson. >> i've got to be on this. >> it doesn't matter which side. are you on. >> ♪ ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪
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- ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪
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don't worry. the lexus rx built for modern families. $1,500 lease cash available on 30 month 2022 rx lease programs. - hey, everyone, excuse me. everybody, could i just have a second of your time, please? everyone listen up. listen, everybody, i, uh-- i owe kyle a big apology, and i want to do it in front of everyone because i was wrong, kyle. - about what? - i'm afraid that kyle and i got into a little disagreement yesterday. yeah, yeah, it was pretty nasty. and i was totally wrong and you were right, kyle. i thought only humans could be gingers. davin here? davin miller. oh, yeah, there you are. i owe you an apology, too, davin. when kyle said that humans weren't the only species that could have light skin and freckles, i totally laughed in his face. but it turns out kyle was right. there are other animals that can be ginger as well. i didn't believe it. i guess i didn't want to believe it. but this morning i saw a red-haired light-skinned cow,
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and i owe you, kyle, and you, davin, my sincerest apologies. - where did you find a red-haired cow? - oh, would you guys like see it? [cows lowing] there, there it is right there, see? a red-headed cow. [snickering] - whoa! look at it! - you were right, kyle. a ginger cow. i shall never question your keen intellect again. - wow, that's pretty trippy. - yeah. yeah, be sure to get some pictures of it. i'm pretty sure this occurs only rarely in nature. - all right, cartman, joke's over. - what joke? this is real. - tell everyone you made the cow look like that. - no! no, you were right, kyle. i was wrong! - boy, eric. i sure do admire your courage to admit when you've made a mistake. - thank you, butters! [snickering] - i gotta go show this to my mom. - let's go get the kindergarteners. they're gonna wanna see this too. - yeah, be sure to show everyone, guys. it's really amazing. ha ha. ah, too good, too, too good. - even the dumbest lie can have big consequences. - yes, you're right, kyle.
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i'm sure that is going to have earth-shattering consequences. [chortling] [background chatter] [speaking farsi] [speaking farsi] [speaking swahili] [speaking japanese] [grunting]
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[strained speech] - your attention, please. will kyle broflovski report to the principal's office? - huh? - kyle broflovski to the principal's office. please. mkay. - ha ha! what you do, kyle? - nothing. - busted! - thanks for coming, kyle. - what's going on? - kyle, these men have apparently come all the way from israel to speak with me, but we need a translator. - i don't speak hebrew. - kyle, please try your best. it seems pretty important. this boy...mkay... is jew. mkay? jew like you. okay? please... please try...speak to jew. - [sighs] we're just trying to tell them that we come on very urgent business.
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- anything? - he said they come on urgent business. - oh, what do they need? - look, we believe this school has something which is of the utmost important to our people. we wish to see the red cow. - the red--come on, you can't possibly be here for that. - for what? what did he say, kyle? - please, you must understand. the fate of the world is at stake. the coming of a red heifer is the most holy sign in all of judaism. it signals the beginning of the end. it is not just our religion, but islam and christianity as well. they all agree on one thing-- that the red heifer means the end of times. - did you catch any of that, kyle? - it's right over here by the-- - oh, my holy schmear! - [speaking farsi] - the muslims, they beat us here. - what's going on, kyle? - he said the muslims beat them here. god damn it! - step away. you all know what this means.
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- yes. and you know you're about to die. - hold on, everybody, this thing isn't even-- - don't touch it! [overlapping shouts] - well, i just ran to the school and told everyone, "hey, there's a red-headed cow outside. you should all see it." - cartman, stop! you don't know what you're doing. - i'm pretty sure that this cow can make ginger cheese which is like a swiss cheese, except instead of holes it has freckles. [snickering] - nooooo! - the muslims and the christians are calling for a meeting to discuss the terms of war. - very well. let us meet to discuss how the world as we know it ends. - all right, so far we agree there'll be no automatic rifles, no shanks, and no chemical weapons. - if there can be no chemical weapons, then the christians can use no nuclear weapons. [overlapping yelling in farsi] - oh, come on. without nuclear weapons, what kind of final armageddon is this gonna be? - yeah! - that's right! - couldn't we agree on non- ballistic nuclear weapons only?
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- yeah, i suppose that's fine. - that makes sense. - non-ballistic nuclear only. all right. now on to prisoners. are we all agreeing to decapitations? - of course we are! what do you think this is? - yeah, come on. [yelling in farsi] - wait a minute. wait a minute. has anyone noticed something? we are all in a room together, talking. has it occurred to anyone else that this prophecy, which amazingly is in all three religions, could actually be meant to bring us together? - the prophecy says the red heifer signals the end. could it mean the end of war? - if the cow is sacrificed in israel, according to the prophecy, the perhaps it could bring about peace. [mystical singing] [helicopter whirring] - ♪ ah ♪
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[vocalizing continues] - moooo! [cheers and applause] - after all the years of holy wars and hatred, a possibility for peace in the middle east. in the past 48 hours, jews, muslims, and christians have met in israel to sort out their differences. it may be a rocky road, but many say the chance for peace is real and all because of a red cow discovered by a young boy here in the u.s. [doorbell rings] - hey, kyle, you got a minute? - yeah. - i've got to tell you something, kyle. the red-headed cow... isn't real. i made him up. - no shit. - i totally lied, kyle. and when you asked me if i lied i looked you right in the eye and i said no. i owe you an apology, and i mean it. - well, it's okay. there's no denying
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it all worked out for the best this time. - no! no, kyle, you said it's never for the best. remember that? and you're right. you're right, kyle! - oh, no, no, no. cartman, don't you do this. the middle east is finally at peace. - but it's not true. kyle, i'm being serious. i really think i have to tell the truth. i don't know how i can live with this. i don't think i can unless... unless, i don't know, maybe you called your mom a fat skank. maybe if you said that to your mom and told her her tits belonged in a morgue, then maybe somehow i can live with this lie. - dude, go to hell! - you're right. you're right, kyle. i should just tell the truth and be done with it. - wait. mom. - hi, bubie. - mom, there's something i need to tell you. - what is it, kyle? - you're a fat skank, mom. - [gasps] kyle, oh, my gosh! what did you just say? - you're a fat skank mom, and your tits belong in a morgue.
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- oh, my god. ms. broflovski, are you okay? does he always talk to you like that? ♪♪ you inspired the lexus es to be, well... more you. so thank you. we hope you like your work. ♪♪ new projects means new project managers. you need to hire. i need indeed. indeed you do. when you sponsor a job, you immediately get your shortlist of quality candidates, whose resumes on indeed match your job criteria. visit indeed.com/hire and♪ shine, baby ♪day. ♪ shine, baby ♪
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♪ color me so crazy ♪ ♪ just watch me ♪ ♪ just watch me ♪ ♪ i'm gonna radiate ♪ ♪ let's get it, let's get it, let's get it ♪ ♪ let's get it, let's get it, let's get it ♪ ♪ i got it, i got it ♪
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- yeah, come on over here. i got some more stuff in my locker, kyle. - how come you're carrying cartman's stuff? - i just thought it would be nice. - kyle's doing all kinds of things for me. he finished my homework, gave me the soda from his lunch. i think he's just really stoked on me for helping bring peace to the middle east. right, kyle? - yes, sir. - oh, looks like most everyone's here. wasn't there something you wanted to say, kyle, remember, about the... - yes. i love cartman's farts. - you what? - yummy, yummy, yummy, i want cartman's farts in my tummy. - dude, what the hell are you talking about? - yummy, yummy, yummy, can i please have cartman's farts in my tummy? - okay, okay! jesus. lay down on your back, kyle. - yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy... - let's see what i can muster up here. - yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy-- - let's see. oh...oh!
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[farts] - yummy, yummy. thank you, cartman. - what. the [bleep]? [knock at door] - come on in. - mr. mackey, can i talk to you? - sure, kyle what's the matter? - if you knew something but couldn't tell anyone, what would you do? - well, kyle living with a lie is never a good thing, mkay? could you maybe just tell me? - okay. okay. i love having cartman's farts in my tummy. i love it. i love it so, so much. - well, why do you like his farts in your tummy? - because they taste so yummy. - well, kyle, that's kind of odd. not sure how to help you with that. - mr. mackey, could i-- oh, hey, sorry. am i interrupting? - not if you have some delicious farts for me.
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- kyle, are you sure? - please. - all right. [farts] - yummy, yummy. - m...kay. [cheers and applause] - today begins the new israel. [bell dings] today we are all united as one. chakam balada. - chakam balada. both: chakam balada! - now, let us celebrate under one symbol. [bell tolling] [ain't talkin' 'bout love plays] ♪ ♪
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- no way, no way! - epic! - hello, israel! ♪ i heard the news, baby ♪ ♪ all about your disease ♪ - the party is officially under way. jews, christians, and muslims have united, ushering in ten years of van halen. out in the crowd, people are celebrating like never before. - ♪ my love is rotten to the core ♪ [guitar solo] ♪ ♪ ♪ hey hey hey ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ hey hey hey ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ hey hey hey ♪ ♪ ♪ - no doubt israel is the happiest, rockingest place to be. - hey, kyle. - hey. - kyle, there's peace in the middle east. they're saying maybe it's going to lead to peace all over the world. everyone's really happy. you should be too.
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- i am happy, stan. i'm thrilled. - dude, we've been friends a long time. can you just tell me why you like cartman's farts so much? - i just do, stan. - you like how they smell, how they taste? - yes. - they're really that good? - yes. - should i try them? - no! - [ringtone] yummy, yummy. yummy, yummy. - this is cartman. i have to take it. hello? - hey, i was just about to order some dinner. what sounds better in your mouth tomorrow--thai or greek? - i don't care. - i care, kyle. you should have a say in this. they're your yummy farts. should we go with thai? - that's fine. - kyle, maybe you should get some help. - please, just leave it alone, stan. everything is as it has to be. - i don't get it, kenny. - [muffled] maybe he's, like, mentally ill or something. - whatever it is, we got to figure it out. i think all those farts are starting to go to kyle's head.
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- no more. no more. cartman, no! no more! [grunting, muttering] [triumphal music] - [commanding voice] kyle broflovski. - huh? who... who is that? - why do you endure all the farts, kyle? - i--because the world is at peace. i must endure. - what are you doing is the most awesome thing ever. - i...i know. - who else would take such torment? - that's--that's kinda what i was thinking. - [voice softens] you should, like, shave your head and get all peaceful about it. your sacrifice saves the world. - yes. i endure what i must for the sake of all humanity.
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three people walk into a bar. the first two order the same old margs. the third, nuevo topo chico margarita hard seltzer. crafted with real lime juice and a crisp tequila flavor. topo chico margarita hard seltzer.
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chips? fritos man. back roads or highways? back roads. college or pro ball? college. mild or spicy? oh spicy... actions or rom coms? rom coms. really? camper or tent? tent. lab or poodle? ok, which fritos? that is a tough one. fritos down for everything. rock or country? don't answer that.
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[chanting] [singing continues] [drumming] [drumming grows louder] - ♪ whoa! ♪ [hot for teacher plays] ♪ oh, yeah ♪ ♪ t-t-teacher, stop that screamin' ♪ ♪ teacher, don't you see? ♪ - what can this reporter say except that israel freaking rocks. things just keep getting better here, tom. and in a few days, they'll be honoring the little boy who discovered the red cow here on stage, and things are gonna go off! - you gonna come with me to israel, kyle? [farting] - yes. yes, i will. - huh? you coming? [farting] - yes, whatever you want. - okay, i want the whole world to see how much you love my farts. plane leaves tomorrow. - kyle, don't do this. don't eat cartman's farts in front of the whole world. - just stop, please. - it's okay. everyone, it's okay. perhaps one day you will all understand.
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what i do, i do because i care about each and every one of you. - well, now he just sounds like a self righteous asshole. - hey, kyle. - hello, stan. - dude, we need to talk. this has to stop. - there are greater things at work than what you understand. - if you want to suck farts, kyle, that's fine, go ahead. but you can't suck farts and be a dick about it. - i'm actually the complete opposite. - all of a sudden you seem to think you're above everyone else. - i'm not better, i'm just... doing what needs to be done to make the world a better place. - see? you sound like a dick. - i happen to be the one person who's putting everyone else's needs before their own. - dick. that's a dick talking. you've had too much of cartman's farts. you got sulfur poisoning, and now you're a dick. - all you need to know is i'm way awesomer than you think, okay? - i don't think kyle really loves cartman's farts. there's something else going on. - [muffled] really? like what? - this all started with stupid peace in the middle east, kenny. for some reason, it's making kyle crazy.
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we've gotta get to the bottom of this. [end rock chords] [cheers and applause] - and now, let us honor the little boy who helped make all his happen-- eric cartman and his best friend, fart boy. [van halen chords play] ♪ ♪ - thank you, everyone. it's my honor to have been a part of this miracle. isn't that right, fart boy? - could i please have one of your piping hot farts in my mouth? - are you sure, fart boy? i've had a lot of strange food on this trip. - yummy, yummy. i want your farts in my tummy. - excuse me, i'm sorry, everyone, but apparently there's some breaking news in the united states. - we're in colorado where the red cow was discovered, and apparently two boys have shocking news that might change everything. - yes, there's something that you all need to know. the truth about the red cow. we have all been-- [phone ringing] sorry, hang on. [ringing]
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[beep] hello? - dude, do not do this. - no, dude, you don't understand. cartman hasn't been telling the truth. - yes, i know that! why do you think i've been putting up with his farts? - oh... - "oh," what? - i know cartman made it all up, okay? i also know that nothing is more important for humanity than peace in the middle east. i'm okay with this, stan. - well, i'm not okay with it, 'cause it's turned you into a dick, kyle. - i'm not a dick! i'm like gandhi. - you know, i don't think when gandhi starved himself he was all, "dude, look how [bleep] awesome i am for starving. check me out!" - okay, okay. stan, you're right. maybe i let being a martyr go to my head. just please, let me stay on this path, and i'll try to be cool about it. okay? i'm sorry. - you should apologize to kenny too. - [distant] i'm sorry, kenny. - [muffled] that's okay, kyle! - what is the new information?
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- the red cow... i saw it too. it came down from the sky in a flash of light. it was a miracle. - hooray! - oh, no, it was a miracle? - then it's not true. the prophecy is not true. [all groaning, moaning] - wait, i thought we were all here because of the prophecy of a miraculous red cow. - no, the prophecy is that one day a fat child with a small penis would decorate a cow to look ginger. not that one would miraculously just fall from the sky. - i knew this all too good to be true. - we're associating with these heathens for no reason! - small penis? - the party's over. muslims, jews, and christians are back at each other's throats and israel is once again a place of conflict and turmoil. - please, you have to listen to me! the prophecy actually did come true! - no, it didn't. - yes, it did! - the prophecy was a fat boy with a small penis
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would one day decorate a cow to look ginger. we should have known a prophecy like this was too impossible to ever come to be. - but that is what happened. it is! tell them, cartman. - no, kyle, you were right. i see now that little lies can cause huge problems. - but it's the truth! - no, it's not, kyle. i have a huge dick. - sorry, boys, but we gotta get to a fight. there's a rumble at the wailing wall. - so it was all for nothing. the whole time i was eating farts for nothing. - cheer up, kyle, i'm sure this isn't the first time someone who thought they were suffering for humanity was actually just sucking farts. hey, how about we get a little dessert, help cheer you up? [farts]
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captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

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