tv The Daily Show With Trevor Noah Comedy Central June 10, 2022 1:14am-2:00am PDT
gas is so expensive instead of champagne they ballers started ordering cannisters of premium at the club. that club was really lit, as the national average hits $5 a gallon for the first time ever, people all over the country are doing whatever they can to stretch a tank as far as they can. >> for a nation that feels like it's stuck right now with gas gridlock, many drivers aren't sitting idol with soaring costs or getting creative. >> my salary hasn't changed so i carpool with my sister to work. one week she drives. and one week i drive. >> i just bought the motor-- motorcycle, now for $20 i use like three days or four days trk saves me a lot. >> at a time gas prices are so high bike sales are exploding. >> i have moved to the city. i don't need my car. can't afford gas. >> and even google maps is your friend with an option to navigate based on fewer hills and traffic, even police
departments are under strain, this michigan sheriff's office is feeling the pain at the pump as well according to its facebook post, and has advised deputies to manage nonurge ents calms over the phone. >> trevor: well, well, well, i guess joe biden did end up defunding the police, yeah. the secret was just defunding everyone at the same time so we didn't notice. i see you joe, very slick. but yeah, gas prices are so high, even police have to do their jobs over its phone. which you got to admit is going to be tough for some cops, you know, all right, sir, are you black? okay, then i'm going to have to ask you to whoop your own ass a little bit, just for no reason, just to be safe. you know who will be hit the hardest by this, the karens. yeah, cuz they are the main people calling the cops with nonurgent shit, hello, police there is a black man at the grocery store buying triks cereal which is illegal because
triks are for kids, hurry, hurry, quickly. (applause) but yeah, all over the country americans are doing anything they can to save on gas, carpooling, switching to motorcycles, shit, i pretended to be sick this morning just to get a free ambulance ride to works. it's definitely aids monkey pox ebola. i don't think i'm going to make it. i don't know how much longer i have-- oh wait, that is my office, you can drop me off here, yeah, i'm going to pull through, mi good, i'm good, i will see you tomorrow, bye bye, bye bye. (applause) you know for real thoarks it's actually times like this that a lot of people are glad they live in new york city, because you don't need to pay for gas here, you can walk, you can ride a bike, take the subway and then with all that money you save not
buying gas you can afford a room the size of aye coffin. yeah, in new york. ♪ concrete jungle where you have ten roommate there is no space for any of you. that was a verse they cut out of the song. but it goes to show you how desperate times are, america will do anything to save on gas right now. i mean not investing in mass transited, obviously but anything else, anything else. and that means we're going to have to move because unfortunately gas prices aren't the only problem affecting american people right now. and yes i'm talking about guns. the never ending problem that america just can't seem to solve. which now that i think about it, maybe america shouldn't keep hitting the same brick wall, maybe america should just use some of its problems to solve some of its other problems. you know, like maybe the price of gas will get so high that mass shooters won't be able to drive to a gun store to buy weapons in the first place. you don't need red flag laws if
gas is $20 a gallon. but until that happens lawmakers in congress are trying to find any measure that can help reduce the amount of guns that end up in the hands of madmen and yesterday the house took action. >> a major legislative package on new gun measures is headed to the senate after passing in the house yesterday. by a 223 to 204 vote lawmakers approved the protecting our kids act. the legislation is a correction of six new gun safety measures including raising the minimum age to buy semiautomatic rifles from 18 to 21 and requiring that all fire arms be traceable. five republicans joined democrats and also supported the bill. it is however unlikely to pass in the senate where control is evenly split. >> one republican congressman who votedded against the bill, congressman steve-- explained his opposition. >> i go back to september 119. air pleaps were used that day. as the weapon to kill thousands of people and to inflict terror
on our country. there wasn't a conversation about banning airplanes. >> trevor: wow, wow, that is a good point. i can't think of anyway flying changed after 9/11. now if you will excuse me, have i to get to the april 15 hours early so the tsa has time to run a background check on my shampoo to see if it has any link to-- this say terrible compareson, nobody is trying to ban all guns. they are trying to add small measures to make people more safe, swi exactly what happened to air travel after 9/11. i mean do you even remember what airport security was like before 9/11. could you basically walk on to a plane and just browse around like it was an ikea, yeah. could you just be like no, i don't have a tickets i just wanted to check out the cockpit, this is nice, what does this do, boop boop boop boop, this is fun, all right v a safe trip. but this is the problem, you see this is the problem that gun
loves have in america. there is nothing else that is as unregulated as they want guns to be. so their option is like the analogies always don't make sense, they are like cars kill people too. but you don't regulate-- wait, wait, actually, i mean alcohol kills people too, but-- wait, actually, no, medicine, no, wait, but we don't regulate-- no, we do. let me think, guns kill people but we don't regulate those, huh, see, i have gone back on myself, that is what i have done. but despite-- despite these dumb ass objections from people like steve scalise the house still passed a gun control bill. the only problem is that everyone already knows that it has zero chance of passing in the senate, this has got to be rough for the house. you work so hard on something that you know is going to lose. you know like the new york knicks of legislation. like what a weird system in america, where one chamber of congress spends all its time passing legislation they know
the other quham ber will shoot down it is such a strange system, normal for america, crassy-- crazy forb most of the world, america is doing that thing that parents do with their kids, you know, those parents that aren't on the same page, ask you your dad, dad k we eat ice cream for dinner and is he like yeah, sounds good to me, but you have to ask your mom. and you know mom is going to say no. so i should have just asked her y are you even a part of this process. >> well, if i get your mom on the record saying no than i can run ads against her next year and we request get a new cooler mom, yeah. what is especially interesting to me is that as modest as this bill is, only five republicans voted for it only five. and guess this, four of them aren't running for re-election. yeah. which vl interesting. time and time again you see whenever republicans aren't worried about pandering to trump voters, all of a sudden they make common sense decisions. and i will be honest, this has shown me something that maybe america needs to relook at the process.
maybe people in congress shouldn't get to be reelected. just do one term and done, that's it because then america's politician was care more about governing as opposed to getting re-elected, kind of like the same way people in relationships finally till the truth when they are breaking up, you know what i mean, because the whole time you are worried about saving the relationship, but if you aren't worried about that you become more honest. all of a sudden it is going to end, so i might as well tell you now that you fought like a beat boxing machine in your sleep, sar a the whole night. -- moving on. this week los angeles is hosting the summit of the americas. because trary to popular belief america isn't the only america in the world. there are dozens of countries in north and south america around every once in a while they get together to discuss issues that affect the entire region and then they bitch about christopher columbus. but for this year's siment the
person most people are bitching is about is joseph robinette biden. >> drama before the diplomacy officially gips this week in los angeles where president biden will be hosting the summit of the americas. there is a significant snub. the president of mexico has announced that he is refusing tow attend the summit because the u.s. is not inviting curia venezuela and nicaragua over their lack of democratic values. but mexico says the a-- agenda of migration, economics, economics and covid is too important to exclude any of the nations from this region. the white house counters that it believes that no dictator should be invited. >> trevor: wait a second. joe biden has stopped a mexican from coming to america? you know wherever he is trump must be so pissed off right now, is he like joe biden is stealing my ideas. i am the mexican man,
mom! but seriously though this is such a petty story. this is a meeting of the leaders of an entire hemisphere but instead they sound like middle school mean grills-- girls, hey, mexico, i'm having a party and you can come but don't tell cuba and vens veps and nicaragua because they are not invited. like oh, america, it is so brave that you think are you cool enough to even throw a party. you bitch, oh my god. i will say there i think we can can all agree mexico is making a good point. america stands on human rights violations seems inconsistent. think about it, you won't even talk to cuba and nicaragua? but then are you going to fly to saudi arabia and beg principle-- to release more oil? it team seems like america is more tolerant of countries that have a little cha ching s that what it is in in many ways the american government is like a
strirp, yeah. like if you ain't paying they don't care about you. and i hope you know that saudi arabia. america is not actually into you, they are just saving up for college, that is all this is. st not but, america. here is the thing, here is the thing. whether the u.s. likes it or not it is connected to these countries, all right, they affect the united states and the united states affects them. don't you think it is weird that you will be talking about migrants from nik rag want but they will not be at that summit? you don't think it's strange. it will be like staging an intervention without the person there. you have got to get your life together, barry, is what i would say if barry was here, i think this would have been good, guys, this would have gotten through to him t really would have been great where is he, drunk again? well we tied. all right, that is it for the med lines but before we go let's check in on the traffic with our very own roy wood, jr.,
everybody. (applause) >> hey, what's up. >> trevor: what is happening, man what is happening with the traffic. >> i'm just looking, ain't nothing happening, ain't nobody out there, gas too much, everybody at home, ain't nobody on these roads today man, it's looking pretty good out there. you know, i will be honest with these gas prices, man, it has got to be kind of rude for market-- . >> trevor: sorry. >> how was traffic during the last shut down, the pandemic, no traffic so bring back another pandemic, traffic fixed, problem solves. the gas prices are debting out of hand. like i kind of like the fact that the police can't respond to every call. that's cool for now. but then when the emergency starts really piling up then it will be bad, eventually the police will have to start carpooling with the fire department and the ambulance. they will have to ride together like the only way they will come save you is if all three things
are happening to you at the same time. like if you get shot you have to set something on fire then they will show up. they will have to combine their deals. it is going to get bad. they are going to have to come check on you in a fire truck ambulance cruiser, yeah, fire truck ambulance cruiser, that is what all three police cruise ambulance. >> all combined. >> >> trevor: what is happening in the traffic, roy. >> it is people going, errands. people are just going to and from, man t say beautiful thing, man. real squibbing about the gun law stuff, the gun, whatever they trying to pass. >> trevor: its gun safety act. >> that is part of it. all right, can we, like that is the only solution to gun violence is gun regulating guns, a lot of different things contributed to gun violence. >> trevor: i agree, i agree.
you start with the guns but then you look at community, you look at schooling, you look at eradicating poverty, i hear what you are saying. >> i'm not talking about that, i'm talking about lonely white dudes, you have to have legislation like every lonely white dude has to have a friend. we've got to legislate friends for lonely white men and i think that's how we fix some of it. like it would be like jury duty. you think you get to go out this week but if you got a letter in the mail, report to gary's basement and you got to be gary's friend for a little while. because them lonely white men don't have no friends. >> trevor: so you don't let the lonely white men not have a friend. >> every lonely white dude gets a friend. >> trevor: i understand but then what if they put the lonely white man with another lonely white man, isn't that double dangerous. >> that is called a militia, that is safer than a lonely white map. a militia is much safer than a lonely white man, they got
uniform, a website, a schedule, permits, they let you know when they going to show up. who would you rather deeing with a militia and lone wolf. >> trevor: militia. >> that is what i am saying,. >> trevor: the structure. >> we have to deal with white dudes in person, we tried talked over the internet, red dit didn't work, a big failure. >> trevor: well, let's get the traffic. >> it is just so beautiful. let's gets to it, have we got time. >> trevor: no, we ran out of time again, roy. >> we don't have time? just-- fz no, we. >> real quick. >> trevor: what are you going to say. >> just that guy is going to have a wreck. >> trevor: thank you so much, roy wood, jr., everybody. when we come back we'll find out what maga insurrectionist and black people have in common. you don't want to miss it.
getting the incredible iphone 13 -without t-mobile, -three... -makes as much sense -two... -as playing hide-in-seek... -one... ready or not, here i come... in the desert. ahhh. really guys? t-mobile has more 5g bars in more places. and now, when you switch, you can get iphone 13 on us, and one year of apple tv+ for free.
the day when white people visited the democracy store and demanded to speak to the manager. and by the way, they're still arresting people for. this you may not know this, but they are. in fact just today they arrested a guy who is running for governor of michigan because he also stormed the capitol. yeah, and you flow that is definitely going to change the whole course of the election because now we know is he going to win the republican nomination. i mean you can't do that. and this is a new experience for a lot of these white people, you know, all of a sudden they are finding out what it is like to be on the bad side of the police. and it turns out they do not like it one bit. >> a january 6th-- are being treated differently on a whole other level. they are denied religious services, haircut, save-- shaving, the ability to trim their finger nails. imagine a group of men being held in jail without with no idea of when they are going to go to court, no ability to bail out, no ability to see their family. >> if are you peter navarro they
will literally pull you off of a plane, shackle you and throw you in the brig. >> i wasn't allowed to call a lawyer, no food, no water, solitary confinement, illegal aliens, al-qaeda terrorists were treated better than i was. >> they actually fold them in the car to the airport to make a scene and handcuff them. why would they do that? >> it actually puts an exclamation point on the fact that we have a two tiered justice system, if you are a republican, you can't even lie to congress or lie to an fbi agent or they're coming after you. >> you can't even lie to congress or the fbi without them coming-- you realize, he is just stating the law, but in an angry voice, you can't hit pedestrians and drive away.
you can't even sell another man's kidney on craigslist. and if you steal your neighbor's dog and sell it back to them for the money, it's also not allowed. is this america? is this americas? it is wild that louis gohmert over here is complaining about not being allowed to lie to congress because he's in congress. why dulls he want people to lie to him? why would you want that? i would be like, he must have asked someone for their honest opinion and then gotten it. tell me the truth, do i look like someone 3d printed elmer fudd, wait i change my mind, lie to me, lie to me. but yeah, as you can see many, many trump supporters saying that they are being oppressed and they are just learning how tough the justice system can be. you know? i mean marjorie taylor greene, said you can imagine a group of men who can't pay bail and can't see their families? well, you
don't have to imagine it it america has already got the largest population of them in the world. and just so we are clear, i am glad the people who stormed the capitol are being held accountable but i don't take delight in the idea of them sperpsing the shitty side of american's criminal jus cities system. to greene, i hope you keep this can exact speech ready when black people in america are complaiping about the exact same things. you won't even are to change the words you don't even have to change the words. it was wild that they have been treated like this for like five minutes and all of a sudden they are like it say two tiered system. they're it is so hard being a republican in this country. waiting for them to go into a white negro spiritual, just like-- . ♪ go, go to whole foods. ♪ my glutin intolerance is getting me. ♪ snoats anyway, conservatives
are now learning that interactions with law enforcement don't always end well. which means they are going to have to have some hard conversations with their children. >> as a trump supporter in america you already know that cops treat people like us differently. >> we can be profiled and misjudged any time just trying to overthrow a free and fair election. >> that's why it is time for us to have, the talk as a trump supporter it is important to remember that law enforcement is always out to get you. you could be targeted solely because of how you look or what you chanted or who you are assaulting with a flag pole. >> how many young and middle-aged men have already been arrested just because they tried to vote for trump one too many times. >> and then stormed the capitol. >> and then posted on facebook for some reason. >> and they will use anything against you, your skin color, your politics, evidence. >> if you so much as think about overthrowing the government and then actually attempt to, there is nothing anyone can do to protect you.
>> unless your husband son the supreme court. >> so first rule, always listen politely to the police. don't freak out and call them bullies and fascist-- fascists until after you booked on tucker carlton. >> the bad news is if they do arrest you, you can expect the worse kind of abuse. they will put you in handcuffs, take you to the station and put you behind bars and then lock them. these are things no criminal should have to suffer. and now they're openly throwing away the word "traitor" yes, with a hard r. >> every time i see a young man being hassled by police for engineering feces on the walls of napsee pelosi's office, i think that could be our son. >> he is a sweet boy and we're proud of him. is he a proud bloi. gsh-- proud boy. >> so that the way things are. and hopefully the next generation of conservatives won't have to have this talk. >> because there won't be elections. >> exactly. (applause). >> trevor: thank you desi and michael. stay tuned, because we're going to be joined by the playwright michael r jackson right after the break. you don't want to miss it.
you don't want to miss it. (applause) google pixel. the only phone made by google. because when google makes your phone. your camera sees in the dark. sees all skin tones accurately. and fixes your photos like magic... literally. with a battery that learns from you and adapts to last over 24 hours. and new features are always dropping. so it all just keeps getting better. google pixel. the phone made by google. for all you are. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ thunderstruck ♪ ♪♪ ♪ thunderstruck yeah, yeah♪ now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. baby, it's over.
there are many names for enthusiast but there's only one way to become one... by going all in. the lexus is. all in on the sports sedan. ♪♪ ♪♪ the next sale is a digital treasure trove - charming ellie's private data! what? lot number 1: her emails. the ones she's opened and read. drug store purchases. her recent transactions. do i hear 600? 620? 640? 660? 680? oh! ♪♪ ♪♪ [pop top can opening] radio: well folks, it's only 8 am [crunch] and it's going to be another hot one. today's high is 85 degrees... ahh! babe, it's 8 am.
fried chicken: better with pepsi. ahh! (applause). >> trevor: welcome back to the daily show, my guest tonight is pulitzer prize writtenning playwright michael r jackson here to talk about his smash hit new musical a strange loop which is currently nominated for 11 tony awards. ♪ ♪ black girls can do anything, can't they, can't they can't they. ♪ they can be. ♪ snoats. ♪ they can be shy and introspective. ♪ they can is-- . >> trevor: please welcome
michael r jackson. (applause) welcome to the show, mr. michael r jackson. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: before we get into the show that you have created that is getting everybody buzzing, let's talk about the name. >> let's talk about it. >> trevor: how many people do you disappoint when you show up, not now obviously, maybe now, but michael r jarks son, people just see michael jackson. >> i don't know, i think i always get people to perk up a little bit, like my name precedes me. >> trevor: oh, mr. jackson, and then was the r always, the r was always there, i'm assuming. >> i kind of dropped it in there to make it distinction, on face book i'm the living michael jackson. >> trevor: i like that the only person i think is michael b
jordan. >> that's right. >> i will intirped on all my children when he was working there. >> trevor: there is a connection. all the famous names going on to create their own famous names, congratulations, 11 tony award nominations. >> thank you. i had the pleasure of seeing this production and i qunts even explain it to people but you know what i love about it it makes me seem cool when i recommend it, no, no because in this world there is not many things you can recommend to people that will have them leaving feeling like are you so cool because you told them to go. everyone i told to see it goes and see it and they are like trevor, thank you, and i am like yeah, that is what i do. >> did you know when you finished creating this shoi, did you know that it was going to be the hit that it is. >> no, not even close. >> like it was like not on my vision board even though it was there, it was really exciting. >> you took 20 years to write
it. >> almost, yeah. >> that is wild. >> george martin would be like i know what this tha is like. >> i would like to know, where this idea came from, because i don't want to give anything away for the audience because part of the joy of the show is that you won't really know what it is about and will you just be in a story. but what we can tell people is it is a story of a gay black man who is in the world of theater, and he's in the world of being black and in the world of being gay, gay black fat and you talk about that in the show. >> yeah. >> trevor: one of the funniest, most poignant, people crying, people laughing. like that, i see why it took 20 years. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. it just started off, i was about 23 years old, i'm 41 now. and i had just graduated from undergrad play writing at nyu. i didn't know what i was going to do with a bfa, i was living in jamaica plains which if you live in new york, that is like all the way to the end of the e
or f train and then you take a bus that is like ten minutes to get to the house. it was crazy. and so i would just like didn't know what i would do with my life so i started writing this monologue called why i can't get work and it was just about a young black gay man walking around new york wonder yg life was so terrible. and sort of the show sprang from that, i didn't know it was true that you worked as an usher at the lion king. >> i worked when its lion king used to be at the new amsterdam theater and worked there for five years, like four years of lion sing and a year of mary poppins and a couple years later a stint in a ladin, i ran through the disney pantheon. >> trevor: was there anything you saw where you were like, i don't ever want to see this again nay broadway show so i will create something differently or something you saw that made you want to create it the way did you. >> kind of both. it was a strange routee. >> trevor: i like what dpsh-- a strange loop. >> trevor: i like what you did there. >> yeah, like you know, you are
standing in the back of the theater, ringing the bell, watching audience night after night after night, show after show, you get a little bored. but lickly you know, i was there with my thoughts and sort of thinking through the show. we used to have to stuff the play bills and sometimes i would write little ideas that would go into the show on the back of the inserts for today, just understudy, and i would clictd them and they would be in my pockets when i got home, but so it was wild, again i never expected that anything would come of it but i just was doing it to keep myself sane. >> trevor: what do you think you have taken away from this? i saw do many people in the audience who were touched for different reasons, people grew newspaper a religious family, i saw them connecting in a different way. if people had issues with their identity growing up or maybe they were bullied, maybe struggling today, it doesn't matter what it was, are you looking for work in america, you just trying to get by, find friends, love, all of these things are touched on. you watched people in the audience feel something. i watched, everyone walked out
just making sounds, that is when you know, no one said anything, everyone was like-- it was beautiful. but then i wondered what you got by creating this, like for sur ef, did it change anything in your world? >> i mean i guess for me is the best part of the show has been actually talking to people after when it lets out because what i have been finding is that for some people the show is a mirror and for other people the show is a window. and that seeing people there together experiencing the same thing but sort of two different lenses has been creates a really powerful energy that sort of goes i on to-- goes to the actors on stage and they send it back and it really brings the audience into the loop of the show of the characters behind that we're in as we are watching. >> you had a great, ier forget the phrase, like it was a big gay. >> big black and queer ass american broadway show. >> trevor: i love that. you know what i loved about
that, yeah-- what you just said, i have seen some shows where if an audience is from new york, they really get the show f they are not they don't enjoy it so much. but if the odd yeps is black maybe they get it more or less. this was one of those shows where everyone was enjoying it from a different perspective. >> a lot of different reference points in it because that is kind of what st like to be a person. you are made up of all of your reference points, history, different memories, everything. and so the main character, usher, that shis name, he loves a lot of din things but he hates a lot of different things so my sort of hope was by exposing the audience to that, everybody can meet usher in the show wherever they are and take from it what they need to. and that the show is sort of promoting the spirit of inclusion for anybody who decides to come in and stick it out >> i don't think anybody st sticking it out, genuinely. >> there are some difficult
moments for some people. >> i think that is what made it so amazing is it is not difficult for the sake of being difficult t is difficult in a. >> it is not gratuitous. >> st not at all. i have seen shows where audiences go i'm uncomfortable, but here is what people experiencing the discomfort that somebody else may be living through. >> and cuz that's what the character and i am trying to do is trying to get the audience to feel what it is like to walk in this skin that they may not shall, either that they don't feel familiar with, or that they feel familiar with but feel unseen, unheard, misunderstood. >> it's phenomenal, one of the funniest, most intelligent, just everything that you puts-- i hope you win every single tony award that are you nominated for. congratulations. >> thank you. >> everyone needs to watch the show, thank you for being here. a strange loop is nominated for 11 tony awards, now playing at the lyceum theeter on broadway. go and watch t i promise it is the best thing will you ever see, we will take a quick break and be right back after this. a strange loop, don't forget.
our lives. this saturday june 119 the youth lead movement dedicated to eliminating gun violence is marching gen on washington. and in communities across the country so if you can, please go to the link below to donate and get more information on how you can show up and demonstrate to elected officials that we demand and deserve a nation free of gun violence, until next time stay safe out there and remember, gas costs money. but holding on to the back of your neighbor's car while he drives, that's free, now here it is, your moment of zen. >> this is such a bunch of baloney. >> balloonee. >> that is baloney. >> there is the apology was a bunch of baloney. >> her position is absolutely baloney. >> you know what is not baloney is mass ker waiting rance baloney, baloney, baloney. >> that is alot of baloney. >> that is alot of baloney. >> baloney. ♪ ♪
- ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ whether it's a last second bake sale,
taco tuesday, or a meal for your future in-laws. it's gonna be great. with mccormick by your side for over 130 years, it's gonna be great. - mom, dad, what's muff cabbage? - muff cabbage? - where did you hear that? - muff cabbage. - the new neighbors that moved in next to stan's house. me and ike saw the mom get a parking ticket, and she called the parking cop muff cabbage.
- muff cabbage! - a new family moved in? where are they from? - she said they're from new jersey. - new jersey? a family from new jersey moved in next to the marshes? - yeah, stan said they're having them over for dinner tonight. - oh, god. poor sharon. doesn't she know? - know what, ma? - muff cabbage! - never invite a new jersey housewife into your home. - and so then i met the school principal. what's her name? principal victoria! what a stupid bitch! i mean, excuse my language, but that bitch needs her [bleep] head examined! yeah, so my family and i moved from jersey to south park about a week ago. so far, i can tell that everyone here really likes me. oh, and i met, that stotch woman, what's her name? - oh, linda, uh-huh. - have you noticed how yellow that bitch's teeth are? you can tell that woman is a piece of gahbage! she's gahbage! i went into the mall here, and i just about dropped dead. the only panties you can buy makes you look like you got a grandma muff! - so, randy, what gym's are good around here? where do you work out? - oh, i don't really work out.
- well, i got to find something. my biceps are going flat! - where can you get good clothes in this town? nowhere. i mean, that's why you're stuck wearing gahbage like that, right? and the woman that works the hair salon, julia, have you seen how big that bitch's ears are? - oh, julia's a friend of mine, yeah. - ears out to here. so i tell her, "you got big ears, sweetie." i'm not trying to be mean. it's just a jersey thing! why be offended? i mean, you've got a big chin! we've all got imperfections! - right, just like your eyes are kind of far apart. - that was totally uncalled for, for what she did. my eyes are too far apart? and like, who is she? is she god? no. you don't ever, ever-- you whack job prostitution whore! you'd probably sell your muff for $6! you [bleep] psycho bitch! [bleep] you! you're nothing but gahbage! that's what you are. you're gahbage! you're sick, old woman muff gahbage! muff gahbage! [bleep] this psycho bitch!
- wow! - let's get the [bleep] outta here! she's a [bleep] pig! she's [bleep] pissing me off! okay, i love you. - take it easy. - i love you. i thought i was gonna deck her. i was fine, i was really fine. i just wanted to get my point across to her, and then that's how i am. like i could be mad one minute, and then i'll be fine. okay, all better. just had to get that out. it's just-- it's a jersey thing! so who wants dessert? meeee! - you guys do not understand. having neighbors from jersey is the worst. all night long, they keep me awake. they're either screaming at each other or making some disgusting sex sounds. it seems like all people from jersey do is hump and punch each other. - you know what you do when you want a family to move away? every night, you go and take a crap on their doorstep. - is that why there's crap on my doorstep every morning? - oops, busted. - they talk way too loud. they flip out for no reason. and every time they act like selfish assholes, they just go, "oh, it's a jersey thing, it's a jersey thing." - hey! you talking about jersey? me and my friends are from jersey!