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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  June 29, 2022 11:00pm-11:46pm PDT

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[glass shattering and low rumbling] [screaming]( scr captioning by captionmax by >> coming to you from new york city, the only city in america, it's "the daily show." tonight tracking the abortion conversation. a look back at pride month. and this is the dailee show with trevor noah! (applause). >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," i'm trevor noah. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out in person. thank you for being here. good to see you, good to see
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you, take a seat, let's do it, everybody. we have a great slow for you tonight, russia is turning europe into the avengers, desi lydic finds out where pride month came from and i'm sorry to tell you but your flight this weekend has just been cancelled. so let's do this, let's jump straight into today's headlines. okay. let's kick things off with some major international news. it has now been four months since vladimir putin sent his troops on the shitiest road trip ever and not only has he failed to quickly overwhelm ukraine, he managed to united the rest of yierp against him. >> a landmark announcement nato voted to-- president biden announced the u.s. will strengthen its military posture in europe. >> nato's 30 member countries are poised to add two more. the move will more than double the length of nato's board we are russia. >> i'm pleased to announce that
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the now have an agreement. >> sweden and finland applied for nato membership last month. putin's decision to invade one neighbor had them worried he might be willing to attack another. >> after 200 years of military nonalignment, sweden has chosen a new path. >> trevor: wow, this is huge. sweden is joining nato. you understand they have been a neutral country for 200 years. 200 years. even when the world wars were happening they were sitting on the side like well that's none of my business. but today they are ending their neutrality. this is so wild. sth like the moment in a kung fu movie where the monk dropped his broom stick and is like i'm taking a new vow, hmmmm to whip some ass. and surely at this point even vladimir putin can admit this invasion has been an abject failure, you realize the whole reason he gave for invading
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ukraine was to stop the expansion of nato and now his war has caused the expansion of nato. you know? (applause) it's sort of like, it's sort of like those dare antidrug programs, they try to scare kids away from drugs by sending cops into school who are like gather around, let me teach but drugs and 12 year old kids are like okay, crack sounds fun. ever do crack, guys? now it is a big deal. it say big deal that sweden and finland are joining nato but i will be honest, i don't know if it is going to scare russia into retreat. let's be honest, these people aren't exactly the vikings they used to be, you know. back in the day they were pillage your village and have sex with you on showtime, you know? but these days they are not exactly military superpowers. i mean their fighter jets are probably made by ikea, you know. yeah, they look great but you don't want to sit on them.
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actually, you know what, maybe that is what they should do. yeah they should use their ikea powers to help them win the war in ukraine. that is what they should do. they should-- they should try and distract the troops with meatball, be like would you like some, or put those stickers on the floor all over ukraine. cuz that way the russian troops will never get where they are going. >> where ---- i keep ending up in the kitchen section, goddammit, again, again, bore is, again. >> but let's move on from the war in europe to the war that america is waging on women's bodies. ever since the supreme court decided that having a child say sacred choice between a woman and her state legislature, abortion laws have been chai os because you see some states banned abortion. some states are protecting abortion. and other states banned abortion but then they are caught unbanned those bans so abortion is legal again until they reban it. which means right now women's reproductive rights are as unpredictable as the mcrib t is gone, it's here, it's gone,
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it's back again, it's gone. and it turns out the overturning of roe v. wade has been such an earthquake that it sent shock waves through the rest of the world in fact, france and israel saw what happened in america and decided to strengthen their abortion rights in their countries. imagine that. (applause). >> trevor: just imagine that. and i don't know if you remember this, but that's what canada did with guns. they saw the two mass shootings in america, and they took away canadian guns. (applause). >> trevor: so i guess in a way, in a way america still is a world leader, you know. yeah, america does something and that leads the world in the opposite direction. yeah, at this point america is almost like the dumb kid in class that you reverse cheat off of. he circled c so it is definitely not c. lev laugh (applause) but the big question in the
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states is if abortion is illegal, how are the states going to enforce that. it turns out they might have a snitch in your pocket. >> in the wake of the supreme court's decision to overturn roe v. wade many women are now deleting their period-tracking app. privacy experts are concerned that data from apps like throw and clue could be used to identify someone that is seeking an abortion. >> the data on your phone in app, search data and other digital data is not necessarily protected by hipa. >> i think it is important that people realize there have been past court cases where online searches for abortion bills or abortion services have been used to prosecute women. >> that's right. >> trevor: that's right. if prosecutors are aggressive enough they could use your app or your search history on your phone to prove that you had an abortion. which first of all, is a very unhealthy practice in a relationship. you don't search through anyone's phone, okay, it
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destroys trust, don't do it. and also, what a shit world for women to be living in. think about it, like you need to use your phone. for everything. especially period tracking or where you are going to find an abortion-- like how are you going to search for abortion pill was google. just going to have to right a question on the piece of paper, throw it out the window and hope for the best? that's where we are in america right now. women taking care of their own health have to cover their tracks online like they're planning a heist. they have to disable location services, they have to talk to each other through enkriment-- encrypted apps, kill the duolingo owl before it snitches on them in english and italian. and you know -- (applause) >> you no know this puts into perspective how much our phones know about all of us. when they say the government is going to use the things on your phone to come after you because your phones know where you go, who you are with, what we eat, what we buy, which actor we can't remember from that movie whose name we forgot it means that any moment cops could bust
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down your door like bam, you're under arrest. and by the way it's richard gere, yeah, that was him. that's why whenever i use apps or anything online i try to throw the authorities off, when i'm doing something shady i never search where do i find weed, no. i search where does mitch mcconnell find weed. (applause) yeah. now the cops are looking for mitch mcconnell and i've got the munchies. all right let's talk about summer vacation. that special time of year where you don't get laid in a different city the u.s. travel industry is expecting record number this weekend as the summer season kicks off about some 42 million people driving to their vacation spots. so if you have to pee, go now. because we're not stopping. and believe it or not as chai
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otic as it will be on the roads, it turns out it could be even worse in the sky. >> hundreds of flights cancelled across the u.s. today, more than a thousand flights cancelled over the weekend. >> the summer travel season is heating up and so is frustration. >> for thousands of american this week, their summer getaways landing them in an airport armageddon. more than 2000 flights axed just as yesterday, travel app hopper reports more than a quarter of recent flights have been delayed fueled by industry staffing shorltages, soaring demand and severe weather. >> the chaos comes just as airports brace for another flood of travelers july 4th weekend. in anticipated 11 million to pass through airports over the holidays, despite the soaring cost of travel. >> envoy air a regional carrier owned by american airlines is now offering pilots triple pay to work on their days off saying it is part of a proactive strategy to run a reliable schedule during the peak summer travel season. industry experts say big
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picture, the airlines just weren't ready for this kind of demand coming out of the pandemic. >> i'm sorry, hold on. they say airlines didn't expect that they thr would be a surge in air travel after the entire planet was trapped in our bedrooms for two years straight speaking to our grandma through a hazmat suit? you didn't expect that shit? why, why is it that airlines are always shocked by things that should be easily predictable. you're shocked? i was shocked. who would have thought. people want to travel after they couldn't for a long time. oh guys t turns out that by booking too many people for the flight there are now too many people for this flight. there is no way to know that this could have happened. who could have seen this coming! of course people want to travel. we have been cooped up for years. in fact i'll bet you half the people at january 6th were just there for a change of scenery, you know. i don't really want to hang mike pence but it's better than
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staying home in idaho. and you got to admit all the tv during the pandemic made it worse. we watched all those cool shows where people were having fun in fiji, you know, or in paris, or in south korea. it made everything look so cool. i want to play red light green light. (laughter) so of course people are traveling in record numbers. you know, you realize we don't even care that flying has gotten worse and worse. everyone wants to travel. everything has gotten worse about flying. everything is delayed, leg room is schrirchging, your bags are always on another flight going somewhere else. but we don't have a choice, right, airlines have gouts, man. soon the airlines are going to be like all right, we've replaced all the seats with just a spike that goes up your butt. what are we going to do, we'll just be like lube it up, cuz i'm going to disneyland. i'm going. (applause)
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i will say i am happy that cabin cruise and pilots are getting paid more, they said pilots are getting paid triple their normal salary just to come to work which is great for them, yeah. although i will say i'm a little worried that the airlines are being so desperate might make the pilots a little cocyy. >> what's going on, bitschs. just fyi, today i'm falling out of control, 50,000 feet to wherever you going to do, about t find another pilot. ha ha, good luck with that, there are none, can i do whatever i want, in fact here, check this shit out. whoa! oh! ha ha! that was fun. by the way, fasten your seatbelts, i guess i should have said that first, right, well, whatever, your flight, where is my copilot. i got to pee.
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oh there is nobody here, okay, i guess i will just do it right here. aahh. so sit back and enjoy the flight. (applause). >> trevor: can't believe you cheered for that pilot what an asshole, speaking of people getting paid more. all across the united states workers are unionizing to fight for better rights, this shaping everywhere. from amazon to star bucks, even apple and now the movement is gaining so much steam it even is stretching back in time. >> medieval times workers in new jersey will vote next month on forming the company's first union. the group pushing for a safer and more enjoyable workplace citing safety concerns. they claim guests can be disruptive, make loud noises and start el the horses who will then throw the cast members off
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their backs. >> unruly children and droken adults have been known to grab actors and even reach out to touch the falcon task flies overhead. workers say medieval times skimps on security to save money leaving performers to enforce boundaries and police the crowd. >> trevor: wow. do you know how wild a crowd has to be to mess with people in armour carrying swords? i mean i knew white people get drunk but this is a whole other level. this is, i want to fight that horse, bro! you know what they need to do they need to make a new policy that if you cause shit at medieval times you gets a meddive il punishment. you are making people's jobs a misery, are you going down to the dungeon where people will eat your ds ick off, that is what they ought to do because here is the thing will you never stop people from getting rowdy at medieval times, those people are trying to act like they are in medieval time, like they are trying to grab the falcon.
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people in the year 1130 were definitely getting drunk and messing with birsd. that was one of the only hobbies back then. could you drink meade and throw shit at a falcon or die in the streets, those were the main ak tiflts what are you doing next weekend. >> i'm dying, oh, i'm going catch a falcon so i'm glad these workers are trying to unionize. first i love medieval times, where else can you gets a glimpse of what america will look like when the supreme court is done. but also, but also, these people deserve protection. i mean these are serious performers. you have seen them in character. they never break, never break character. almost made me wonder like if they stay in character during the union negotiation, you know, we hear disz by demandeth that our health-care plan cover leeches also our wenches and whores want ma tern i--ity. sorry kimberly and amber want maternity, i got carried away. i got carried away. you know, whenever i see medieval times i always wonder
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if 500 years from now they will have a theesmed restaurant where people come to watch actors pretend they're in the 20 20s, because we are in the old times of then, someone will stand in the middle, welcome to millenial times, what of this man of legend binges netflix while also descrolling on his phone. ooohh. ha ha. all right thrarks is it for the headlines but before we go, let's check in on the traffic with our very own roy wood jury, everybody. >> oh yeah. what's going on run. >> good to see you. >> so what is happening with the traffic, roy. >> i don't even think we need to talk abouted traffic. >> you never want to talk about the traffic. >> i do. i want to talk about the weekend traffic, that holiday traffic, that is going to be wild. >> okay. >> we don't need to talk about this, we need to talk about this weekend. >> st. >> it is going to be a lot, people just need to be aware the traffic tharvetion is where you need to be. >> trevor: i'm sorry, what?
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>> look, i just want to give people a couple tips. on how to deal with the holiday traffic, which roads to go on and that. >> we already know the basics, right, we already know if you are stuck on the freeway just take the shoulder, you drive on the shoulder, if you are in the carpool lane, just blowp the sex dolls and put sex dolls in the carpool lane f you have a rental car you hit the curb but you bull doaz people out of the way, those are the bread and butter but this traffic, fourth of july traffic will be crazy. you have to level up. you stuck in traffic right now, whatever street you are on, quall in like a fire or a heart attack or an emergency, up the street where you are trying to go and not the ambulance to wherever you need to go you just follow the ambulance. >> trevor: that sounds crazy to me. >> i got that from diehard three, a great movie, traffic tips in that movie. that only works for a couple of miles. you know, you try-- you have to call in 8, 9 tragedies to get to where you are going.
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so if you are trying to get far, it has to be bigger than dealing with traffic. you have to avoid traffic all together. >> trevor: how do you do that. >> you have to avoid traffic all together. everybody talking about the best way to avoid traffic is to leave early. leave late. >> trevor: you mean like 8 p.m., 9 p.m. >> i'm talking about for july 4th travel you should leave july 10th. leave late-- . >> trevor: roy. >> leave late. >> trevor: yes, okay. >> late late. >> trevor: you miss approximate the traffic but you miss july 49, the hot dogs, fireworks. >> but you also miss sitting your ass in a car for three and a half hours, you miss the traffic too. that's the beauty of it. >> trevor: about you miss july 4th. >> what are you missing. >> trevor: the hot dog. >> this is america, every day we eat a hot dog and try to blow up shit. july 4th is just a reason to do what we was already doing. people were popping fire works in the hood where i grew up all
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the time. fireworks and barbecue is a regular occurrence. >> trevor: no, roy, no. >> this is not something new, man. >> trevor: okay, miss july 4th, to escape july 4th traffic. that's a tip. >> a damn good tivment i don't like your judgment in your face right now. >> trevor: i'm not judging you, i just think it is weird. >> i'm just, but, look, it is just important over the holiday weekend that you stay safe, you know what i am saying. stay safe. do your best to evade the speed limited. if you feel drowsy, put over, not drive drowsy especially if you have kids in the car. you if kids in the car feeling drowsy, pull over, let them kids drive. kids got to kick in and they got to pull they weight so you let them kids drive and you get in the backseat, get you some sleep, you got some sex dolls back there anyway, you can cuddle up. >> trevor: that sill legal t say crime. >> it comes off their record when they are 18. ain't nobody hitting a kid-- so
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what your six year old sideswiped a couple of cars, nobody care, they seal the records, i will teach you about that later. >> trevor: these are fantastic tips. anything else? >> you know man i got to bounce, man, i'm headed down to alabama for fourth of july and i think my son just pulled up. i got to-- my son driving. >> how old is your son roy. >> 8. >> trevor: you know what, roy wood, jr., everybody. >> he can reach the pedals though. >> trevor: when we come back desi lydic will telt how june got so gay. got so gay. so don't go away.
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>> trevor: welcome back to the daily show, tomorrow is the last day of five months after which ron desantis can safely look at a rainbow once again but how did pride month start. desi lydic has the answer. >> happy pride month everyone or as it is called at mike pence's month, june. pride say celebration of clearness, acceptance and-- mixes you can dance to today i'm here as rupaul's private schooled to tell you how pride month came to be because just like all queer people june has a coming out story of its own, you can say pride grew back in the 06see with phillies
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reminder day tickets like the precursor to what pride is now in the same way that madonna was the precursor to lady gaga and if you don't get that reference you should probably stop watching now because this is a pride segment and are you a terrible ally. the '60s saw protest all over america like the black cat tavern riot in l.a. and protest in the white house demanding equal employment opportunities for gay people. it used to be legal to fire people just for being gay which makes no sense. who you have sex with should have no bearing on whether you get to keep your job unless do you it on the copy machine. that is how those paper jams get started. i learned the hard way. but then of course came stone wall in 69y when police raid aid gay bar in new york city called the stone wall inn and the queer expheument fought back t was such a significant moment in naryk's gay rights movement, to this day that whole block is a historic site vitsed by people all over the world. the only way it would attract more gay people is if britney
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had a residency there. stone wall was the bick turning point, they still face so much discrimination the lgbtq community felt empowered enough to hold big public celebrations. the first ever official gay pride parade was in chicago in 1970 but one day later new york held an entire pride week. during the seven day celebration the community marched from the village to central park with program slogans like gay gay all the way and gay power which isn't just a good slogan but also the energy source that keeps the light running on broadway. of course we can't talk about pride without talking about the symbol of it, no, not your grandparents googling what is scissoring, i'm talking about the rainbow flag which was designed in 1978 by gilbert baker, he called himself the gay betsy ross. which makes sense not only did they both design iconic flags but belonged to communities where risks were very popular. one of the cool things about gilbert baibltioner was he refused to trademark the pride
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flarks he wanted everyone to share it and reinterrupt it which is why today the flag has become as fluid as sexuality itself. by the time we reecht '80s the aids crisis came to the forefront and pride tok on a new mission. it wasn't just about advice aiblghtd-- visibility and acceptance but destigmatizes and promoting public health which onlily shall shall especially important because the federal government pretty much pretended aids didn't exist like what tom hanks did with chet. once we made it to the '90s pride was even more mainstream than ever before and in 1999 president bill clinton signed the executive order officially recognizing june as pride month for the first time. yeah, if two people of the same gender wanted to have sexual relations that was fine with him. even if he didn't totally understand the definition of sexual relations. >> i did not have. >> clinton executive order referred to june as gay and lesbian pride month. in 2009 president obama changed it to lesbian gay, bisexual
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transgender and president trump called it lgbt pride month which makes sense. no big words and less scary for mike pence. but these days the biden administration extended the name again to lesbian gay bisexual trarns gender and queer pride month making it as of now the only thing that has been built back better. but whatever you call it, pride has truly become a global phenomenon. it is celebrated everywhere. manila, south africa, brazil, madrid, pride has gone to so many places if it had an instagram you would have to mute their story. we get it pride, you had fun in spain. top making the rest of us feel so boring. so this month don't forget where pride came from and all the people who fought to make it a realities. the lgbtq community still faces many challenges but it is also experienced a lot of progress and if you ask me, that is worth celebrating. >> hello, hello, hello. >> we got from vacation early.
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(cheers and applause). >> trevor: thank you so much for that, desi. when we come back, van lathan, jr. will be joining me on the jr. will be joining me on the show so don't go away. ♪♪ i've always wanted to do that. next round on me! ♪♪ i had no idea investing regularly could add up this much! ♪♪ go to today to learn about compound interest
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♪♪ to defeat your opponent, you must become your opponent. what's your wild rabbit? back to the daily show, my guest tonight is the cohost of the higher learning podcast and he's here to talk about his new memoir fats, crazy and tired, tales from the trenches of
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transformation. please welcome van lastan, jr. (applause) what is up. >> trevor: welcome to the daily show. >> what's up, my man. >> trevor: it's good to see you here especially after reading the book, you know, i know many people probably know your face from tmz. people have seen you on your podcast now which is weird because we watch people's podcast which is whatever. but yeah, it feels like you have done everything and now are you in the world of being an author with, i mean have i to say is a really i think it say really revealing book. you open yourself up t is really vulnerable, fat, crazy and tired. talk me through why you thought this was going to be what defined your memoir? >> so initially like part of my story has always been my weight loss, i used to be a lot
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heavier. i was around like 370 pounds, right. >> trevor: wow. >> and so whenever you tell someone that, that is kind of the response, wow, right. and i remember the first time i ever expressed that to a lot of people, they were so amazed by it that i was like well let me write a book and talk about how it was that i took control of my health, right. and i know people are looking at me right now and going well wow, he's fat. >> trevor: i don't think. >> no, no, i'm saying the pandemic came and like everyone else, i put some weight on. so when i started reading the book i had a revelation, when i started writing t i should say, i had a revelation that like there is something inherently wrong about me telling people how it was that i became socially acceptable. >> trevor: interesting, that there is something wrong with me saying hey, i was just this one way that people for no good reason excoriate you, make you
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feel shameful and look how i became one of you. >> trevor: right. >> even though it is inspirational for some people it didn't feel right so i thought it was better to explore some of the stigma, some of the ways that sometimes people lose control of their health and some of the very good reasons that you might find yourself mentally or physically or spiritually in a spot you don't want to be in and that is kind of what the book is. the book takes us through your life, it touches on your relationship with your father t touches on your journey as a human being. many people recognize your face from tmz and you talk about that in the book and the place that it was and the life that you were living. i found it really interesting that you wrote about the environment of tmz, in what felt to me like a very pleasured way. you know, you talk about harvey, who everyone knows is the face much tmz on television and you talked about how he shaped you, how he encouraged you, how he nurtured you into a lot of who are you today but at the same
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time you talk about the conflict that you had with him when you felts like tmz was pushing trump propaganda. how did you find, you know, i guess not a balance but how did you reconcile a relationship with somebody who you grew to admire against a person who compleerly had politics that were you against. because it feels like that is happening all over america. >> st insanely disif and my heart goes out to anyone who is dealing with this. st not easy. the thing that is not easy about it is the feeling that you feel being black, being a woman, being gay in this country, where you see danger coming, and are you saying to someone who for whatever reason you had a relationship with, this is dangerous, this is dangerous, as black people, we are experts at sounding the alarm. my mother, i would bring people home, my pott mother would be like that boy right there the third one, he a snitch bharks. you know what i mean. i will be like what not the one
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with the pink, the one with the blurks a snitch. we were always-- . >> trevor: hypervigilant. >> we're always telling each ear watch out for danger. so trump kosms and i'm like danger, danger, danger. and it's not just me. 2 is so many people in the office. danger, danger, danger, danger, he's not going to do any of that. he is not going to do any of that stuff. we're actively out there pedaling some of that stuff, where are we at now, trevor. where are we at now. everyone who had whatever reason they had for throwing their support behind him and being as vocal about supporting them as they did, millions and millions and millions and millions of women now don't have control of their own bodies. and i wonder like if i could even talk to him right now, which him and i don't speak any more, how do you feel as it regards to part of your legacy, having been a part of something like that. especially when it wasn't just me. it was the women in the office who were all kinds of people saying this is not something that we are-- that we are
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comfortsable. >> trevor: right. >> and it ended up being, do i talk about it in the book, that was a real sticking point between him and i. people are going to have whatever opinions they want to have about harvey but at some of the lowest points in my life i thought hi an advocate there and it was just really, really disappointing during that time. >> trevor: it really is a fascinating book that took us through your life, your journey. i know you have gone on to do many things now. you worked on as an executive producer of the oscar-winning short film two distant strangers, you are now an author. it feels like your life is opening up and you're getting too a place where van lathan is changing. i didn't know this, i didn't know you used to be a tour guide on one of them tmz buses driving around l.a your life has gone in a really magical direction. what do you hope to achieve from herend where do do you go and why. >> are you ready for l.a. like
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super flakey weird answer. >> yeah, we're ready. >> are you ready for it. >> i'm peak man, what i want out of my life is physical, emotional and psychological peace. my father died, right. my father died, right, and i will be honest, the way my father who was-- he died while i was writing the book, the way that he died sort of for me was reflected the way that he lived. he was just going. he was a man that could run through any wall. you put a problem up in fronts of him, he doesn't negotiate the problem, he obliterates it but always is waiting for the next thing to overcome. you never get to that point to where you have an understanding who are you, what you are and the environment around you. and the lesson that i learned from him. the way my dad died, i didn't get a chance to even see him, your father was taken to the
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hospital, he passed away. for me i want to make sure that i have things in my life in order to where i feel good, peaceful and reassured about where i am going, who i am, and how the people around me feel supported and encouraged and so that is the most important thing in my life beyond anything professional, beyond anything, any amount of money i could get, i like money. but i just want to have some peace. >> i love that, man. >> i appreciate you. fat, crazy and tired is available now wherever books are sold. we'll take a quick break. we'll be right back after this. millions have made the switch from the big three to xfinity mobile. that means millions are saving hundreds a year on their wireless bill. and all of those millions are on the nation's most reliable 5g network, with the carrier rated #1 in customer satisfaction. that's a whole lot of happy campers out there. and it's never too late to join them.
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get unlimited data with 5g included for just $30 a line per month when you get 4 lines. switch to xfinity mobile today. >> trevor: that's our show for
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tonight. but before we go, before we go, if you or someone you foe needs help accessing abortion care fleece go to abortion or call the national abortion hotline at the number below. you still have options. until next time, stay safe out there, and remember, they can't cancel every flight, so just book a seat on all of them. now here st, your moment of zen. >> oh, this is good, this is. >> this is the disummest. >> you're the dumbest. >> oh my god. this is everything you imagine.
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- ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - hold still, ike. we have to get you dressed. where the heck is kyle? i don't know. come on, kyle! you're gonna be late for jew scouts! - [humming] - kyle! - i'm coming, ma! [doorbell rings] - go get the door, kyle! - "get ready. answer the door." jesus christ, make up your friggin' mind!
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oh, hey, kenny. - [muffled mumbling] - i can't watch the meteor shower with you, kenny. i have to go to jewbilee. - [muffled] what's that? - it's what we do in jew scouts. usually, we just sit around and make stuff but tonight, because there's a meteor shower, we're gonna do some big thing out in the woods. it's gonna suck ass, i'm sure. - [mumbles] - hey, maybe you can go with me! then it won't suck so hard! - [muffled] really? - ma, can kenny go to jewbilee with me? - well, kyle, jewbilee is sort of a... special thing. - oh, kenny isn't special? - [moans] - no, no, you're very special, kenny. it's just that... well, jewbilee is for jewish kids. - you see, boys, jew scouts is a special group that borrows a little bit from all different jewish denominations, from the orthodox jews, from the hasidic jews, from the northern italy cave jews. but you have to believe the basic tenets of judaism to be a scout. - kenny'll believe whatever you want him to. - [muffled] yeah! - kyle, the problem is-- - please, ma; i don't think kenny has anywhere else to be tonight. - oh, all right; just don't let any of the elders know that he isn't jewish, okay?
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- whoo-hoo! - come on, ike. it's time to go to squirts. - [muffled] squirts? - you have to be in squirts if you're too young to be a jew scout. - [muffled] oh. - don't worry, kenny. i'll fill you in on our faith on the way up there. and then, kenny, abraham's wife bore him no children. she had a handmaid, an egyptian, whose name was hagar. and sarai said unto abraham, "behold now, the lord hath restrained me from bearing. i pray thee, go into my mate." - [muffled] mm-hmm. - abraham begat isaac, who the lord then said to kill, but that was just a little silly trick to see if abraham would do it. - [muffled] mm-hmm! - [burbling] - no, ike! ma, ike keeps taking off his squirt uniform! - ike, you behave! - four... - no, ike! - ba-ba, ba-ba. - i don't think ike wants to go to squirts. - ike, your brother kyle was in squirts, and so was i. you have to go, so someday you can be a big brave jew scout. - no! - tell ike how much fun squirts is, kyle. - what, you want me to lie? - yeah, lie. - oh. ike, squirts is so much fun. - oh, my god, what is that? [tires screeching] - hey, it's a bear! - [growling] - wow! cool! this retreat really is out of the way, isn't it?


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