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tv   Stephen Colbert Presents Tooning Out the News  Comedy Central  October 27, 2022 2:00am-2:31am PDT

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tyler templeton. top story, with 13 days until the midterms, the tires are coming off the country, and republicans are riding the glowing orange rims to an election night victory. and we republicans earned this moment. we screwed up covid, which caused a supply chain crisis which caused runaway inflation. and now according to 538, which is totally skewed unless it says what i want it to, the polls are trending in republicans' favor. yahoo-skoodaladee-doo! republican control of the senate and the future of mammalian life on earth could come down to what happens in pennsylvania, where democrat john fetterman debated dr. mehmet oz. it was an amazing night between a man trying to convince voters he is a healthy man and a man trying to con voters he is a human. but it was oz who landed the decisive blow with this take on abortion -- >> i don't want the federal government involved with that at all. i want women, doctors, local
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political leaders letting the democracy that's always allowed our nation to thrive to put the best ideas forward so that states can decide for themselves. >> yes, local political leaders are experts on this stuff. i can't name one difference between dictating women's health decisions and judging the town pumpkin carving contest. joining me now to roll around in the news mud is co-host who work performance reviews always have an entire section entitled "biting incidents," bonnie davis. >> hi there. >> co-host who gives out zippo lighters for halloween, susan shephard. >> good evening. >> co-host who posts slide shows after guys' trips to colorado with the caption "what a weekend full of epic conversations," austin sparks. >> hey, tyler. >> and host of pbs' "firing line" and voice of the wing of the republican party that doesn't only speak in tongues, margaret hoover. thanks for joining us, margaret. >> great to be here. >> so margaret, republicans caused a million or so covid deaths, and fast forward, now vaccine skeptic marjorie taylor greene is next in line for house speaker. everything worked out, huh? >> republicans are cautiously
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optimistic going into the midterms, and that goes for the house republicans, and it goes to the republicans in the senate. of course there are two very different types of republicans. the republicans in the house will be a different set of republicans. if they win the majority, there will be a larger number of republicans who you might agree with, the kind that don't choose to certify elections. >> so rational republicans. >> and that's not great for democracy. but there will be some republicans hopefully returning to the senate who do believe in democracy, voted to hold donald trump accountable, like lisa murkowski in the senate. uh, so you're going to have a mixed bag. >> bonnie, what are you thinking in this moment? >> you know, milk is expensive. so of course we should vote in the party slow roasting the planet and keep that cheap milk flowing into our sticky children's faces. >> voters know that republicans get stuff done. just think about how we pulled off those several hundred thousand covid funerals. let's go back to that debate in
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pennsylvania between david mehmet oz and david fetterman. afterwards, there was a lot of speculation about whether fetterman has cognitive capacity to serve alongside mental super athletes like dianne feinstein and chuck grassley. to investigate, i respectfully purchased fetterman's brain from my cousin ricky. as you can see, fetterman's brain is wrinkly, lacking the silky smooth linoleum sheen of a healthy brain. i've told it to roll over multiple times and it does not follow basic commands. margaret, back me up. senators need to be geniuses operating at the very top of their intelligence to cast the vote their staff tells them to. >> yeah, well, we all know that's not true. what we do know, the voters of pennsylvania deserve to know what the real mental and cognitive abilities are of the person they're about to vote for, and that's a pretty reasonable expectation. >> it is cute, though, and daddy loves you! who's a good brain? >> good brain.
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>> i'll take you to the park later so you can play with the other dogs. moving on, our lord and savior donald trump is selfishly taking time away from stealing the 2024 election for himself to steal the 2022 election for the republicans who will rig the 2024 election for him. the rolling stones report that in recent months, trump has convened a series of in-person meetings and conference calls to discuss laying the groundwork to challenge the 2022 midterm results. in these conversations, pro-trump groups, attorneys, republican party activists, and maga diehards often discuss the type of scorched earth legal tactics they could deploy. whoa, are we going full-on autocracy? because that is -- yikes. i'm, uh, i'm not at all a little terrified that we're finally going through with it. >> tyler, are you okay? >> yes. even though my life is largely fine, i want an autocracy. can someone open a window? >> tyler, you're sweating your fricking ass off. >> don't talk. it just makes me more sick. susan, did you say you wanted a ginger ale? >> no. >> fine.
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i'll drink it. not that i need it, because i like living in an autocracy. actually, i love it. i've never been happier, and my pulse less scary loud. margaret, explain why this is just classic political gamesmanship, and also please list the symptoms of a panic attack. >> take a deep breath. you can take some comfort in the fact that donald trump's election shenanigans that all filtered through the courts, 60 plus cases in the last election in 2020. >> oh. >> not a single one was able to pass muster with a judge, >> okay, okay. >> whether that judge was appointed by a democratic president, a republican president, or donald trump himself. on the other hand -- >> can i take my socks off? >> if you really want an autocracy -- >> would that be weird? >> -- you can be delighted that signs are in place, that there's -- >> jesus christ, where the heck is the ginger ale? >> a really scary fraction of americans that seem to be agitating in that direction.
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>> all right. now margaret has calmed down finally, austin, can you give us a preview of sparks? >> thanks. as everyone surely knows by now, i am host of "tooning out's" raucous 'can they say that?!' late night show "sparks!" and this week's episode is absolutely epic sauce. first up, me and elise def fannic hit pumpkins with hockey sticks. then i keep swallowing roaches until vanessa lachey gives me a rib-cracking heimlich. and yeah, it's our big phone interview with teri hatcher. finally, it's back. our youtube challenge where parents tell their kids there's fentanyl in their halloween candy. here's a taste. >> you know how you got candy last night? well, it turns out there is fentanyl in it. fentanyl, sweetie, in your candy. >> whoa. and they only get better than that, i promise. that's tonight on "sparks!" >> sounds great. thank you to my co-host and "tooning out the news" contributor margaret hoover. thanks, margaret. >> thank you so much, tyler. she is the host of pbs'
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"firing line" with margaret hoover. it's on channel 13 or 8 or something weird. all right. "inside the hill" is up next. sarah, what do you got? >> great show, tyler. >> thanks, mommy. i mean, wait -- >> tonight, liz cheney expresses hope that the republican party will finally stop donald trump from perverting the party into the thing it's always been. that's ahead.
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the history channel -- more
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ready to believe that aliens came to earth than brown people could build a pyramid. tonight, liz cheney warns that if trump is the republican nominee, the party might lose its massive liz cheney voting bloc. >> let's go inside "the hill." >> i'm rich ballard, and my wife has been on a yoga retreat for the past two years. >> i'm sarah sabo, and i'm still mad at my children for looking weird in their ultrasounds. >> joining us on the panel is "wall street journal" columnist, looking forward to an after life of being pummelled by a few hundred justifiably enraged elephants, eleanor palmer. >> hello. >> and princeton history professor who has eight friends named harrison, dr. ike bloom. >> greetings. >> let's jump in. the republican party is questioning whether donald trump should be its next nominee as legal troubles threaten to completely engulf him in small fines and wrist slaps. >> at the center of the never-trump rebellion is a beacon of morality liz cheney, who believes the party is moments from suddenly abandoning
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the policies and rhetoric it's spent several decades perfecting. >> you think the republican party can be saved? >> i think the party has either got to come back from where we are right now, which is a very dangerous and toxic place, or the party will splinter and there will be a new conservative party that rises. and if donald trump is the nominee of the republican party, the party will shatter and there will be a conservative party that rises in his place. >> yes, liz cheney is an expert on the republican party. that's why in her primary, she effortlessly sailed to getting completely destroyed. >> right. i mean trump holds power over a mere fraction of the party, that fraction being 4/5. >> if you flip that poll upside down, that's when things get exciting. >> yeah, it sure does. panel, jump in here. >> and just think how big that anti-trump 8% would be if her dad hadn't sent so many good republicans to die in iraq. >> my wager is ultimately the
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republican party's cooler heads will prevail, specifically the ones that cool off post decapitation. >> the number one rated show on cable news by far is "tucker carlson tonight," and i'm sure every republican is watching it purely out of disgust. >> yes, there are so many good republicans if you know where to look. >> tell us more, ms. sabo. >> i will in our segment called "good republican stories." i heard these mysterious good republicans hide out deep in the forest, singing merrily near a babbling brook. >> i heard good republicans live in castles made of glass and honey where they sip upon thimbles of milk. >> when dandelion seeds float atop the breeze, the sighting of a good republican i guarantees. >> legend has it that atop the hat of a friendly gnome, where fairies gently make their home, a good republican is said to roam. >> why are you talking like that? >> i'm talking exactly like you're talking. >> this has been "good republican stories."
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>> all right, time for some off-the-record chitchat about folks juggling our rights over a burning safety net. >> it's time for some beltway gossip. the waiter at le diplomat let it slip that after clarence thomas shielded lindsey graham from testifying before the grand jury, he appeared at the supreme court sporting a forehead-mounted billboard reading "elect republicans." >> oh! >> now listen to this. i saw ted cruz at yankee stadium getting ready for bed under the mistaken impression he was at home after being greeted just like his family greets him every night. >> ooh, yeah. >> well, my dry-cleaner heard that kanye west was at adidas headquarters trying to sketch out the best shoe design for goose-stepping. >> ooh! >> i overheard a white house intern say that president biden is attempting to protect the safety of arizona election officials by using major's gene
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pool to rapidly breed an army of demon guard dogs. >> oh, very hot. >> i was at the hospital for a checkup and walked by dr. oz trying to show he's a native pennsylvanian by having surgery to look more like the philadelphia fanatic. >> oh, so fun. haven't thought of that. >> and that's your beltway gossip! well, i finally got my vial of archduke ferdinand's blood, so i'm going to plop down in my study, drink it by myself and watch queen latifah kick someone's ass on my big tv. so that's all the time we have. >> when "tooning out the news" returns, james smartwood miraculously avoids getting his school crushed by the nypd and conducts an exclusive interview with mayor eric adams. you know, i hope mayor adams cleans up the street so i don't have to see crime on my way to commit white collar crimes. >> i saw someone give a homeless man a bottle of water today and i was so upset, i forgot my goddamn name. >> tooning out the news the podcast is available thursdays
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on your platform of choice.
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glade bathroom plug-in. attempt to make right what you have done here. tonight, i sit down with democratic rising star and new york city mayor eric adams to discuss whether he has what it takes to succeed joe biden as the mega botox 30 stapled face of the democratic party. it's time for some big news. ♪ good evening. i am news anchor speeding in a luxury factmobile down headline highway before plunging off journalist point and blowing up in a ball of stories in scoops canyon james smartwood. tonight, when republicans are not dismissing president trump's crimes as the youthful indiscretions of a wayward 76-year-old, they're campaigning against democrats for being soft on crime. for answers, the democratic party has turned to the only one in their ranks potentially weird enough to take on donald trump, new york city mayor eric adams. i sashayed these little hips to new york city hall to ask mayor
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adams about crime, conservative governors trafficking migrants, and whether adams has what it takes to carry on the democrats' proud tradition of being functionally republican. mr. mayor, thank you for taking time from pressure washing city hall for traces of rudy giuliani to speak with me today. let's begin with your journey to the mayor of the greatest city on earth, where you can watch hugh jackman sing and dance for a mere month's salary, new york. why has your story broken through? i mean doesn't the democratic party have enough jacked, vegan ex-cop sexagenarian club kids? [ laughter ] >> that's a great description. i'm just think pragmatic. you know, all of us remember and recall our grandmothers, our aunties, our mom and dad, just giving us common sense. everyone talks about dollars and cents. no, it's common sense. >> mm-hmm. >> and that is the philosophy. that is how i approach life, just common sense things to do. >> speaking of common sense, you've said that because of rare gems and stones under new york, there's a special energy that comes from here.
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do you stand by that statement? >> don't you feel it? you know, i wear stones and great energy. >> now here's the problem, though. every four years, a politician says "i believe my city is powered by gems," weirdo voters get him elected, then like clockwork, the lobbyists move in and the politician abandons their whole whackadoodle vibe. can you look me in the eye and promise that you're different and by the end of your first term will build a giant glass eyeball that unlocks new york's interdimensional power? >> well, first of all, the lobbyists can't move in. it's too expensive. we got to bring down the cost of living in new york. >> absolutely. are you going to build that eyeball, though? >> yes, without a doubt. >> now let's talk about your feud with republican texas governor and rich villain in a 1980 ski patrol comedy greg abbott. he's been bussing migrants to new york city in protest to the biden administration's immigration policies, and also republicans not paying enough attention to him. obviously, you've opposed these actions. if you and governor abbott cannot agree that migrants are political props, what hope is there that americans can find any common ground?
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>> listen, he is inhumane. he's carried out inhumane actions, and it's really just put a tarnish on the dignity of this country. >> now you're just quoting his campaign slogans. >> and so we say those who come here, we're going to fulfill our legal but moral obligation to take care. >> now in response, you've threatened to send new yorkers to texas to campaign against governor abbott. first of all, great plan. there's nothing texans love more than being told what's best for them by new yorkers. but if you do it, those new yorkers will need strong substantive opposition research on governor abbott, which luckily my team has dug up. go ahead. read those aloud, see what you think. >> sounds like a plan. all right. greg abbott is proud that texas ranks 31st in education, but that's because he thinks it's out of 100 states. >> that's a good one. >> greg abbott is so unlikable, heidi klum wants to mary him. >> that's right.
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absolutely. >> greg abbott is so bad -- >> and how bad is he? >> that texas voters are considering doing the unthinkable, electing beto o'rourke. oh. >> it's fine. he's hot. now on the campaign trail, when you weren't talking about your number one issue, what you put in your morning smoothie, you were talking about crime. bloomberg reports that misdemeanor arrests in new york city jumped 25% in the first six months of mayor eric adams' administration. these are small crimes like subway fare evasion and sleeping on a park bench. but these arrests do let concerned new yorkers know how mayor adams will not tolerate being poor in this city. can you promise that by the end of your term, every new yorker will be rich or in jail? >> every new yorker will feel safe. misdemeanor arrests, those are the quality of life issues. we lost almost $500 million on those jumping turnstiles. no enforcement. they start out as misdemeanor arrests. they enter the system, then they commit felonies. that's what history has shown us. >> now in one notable police incident, the nypd arrested a
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saxophone musician for allegedly violating subway rules and regulations. you call the nypd's response proper policing. are you concerned the nypd does not have enough funding when you only have six cops in your saxophone strike force? >> oh, negative. omnipresence, them being there, quality of life is a number one issue people complain about. >> yeah. well, do you need additional resources to protect the city from the other instruments out there? someone could be playing the trumpet, trombone, piano. um, what else is there? sax? well, we talked about saxophone. that was the big one. that's the one where the guy got roughed up pretty bad. now president biden is on the campaign trail, striking a very eric adamsesque tone with respect to law and order. have you considered borrowing one of joe biden's trademarks and getting contacts that give you a pair of bleak, lifeless shark eyes? >> negative. i love my eyes. >> what about seesawing in and out of covid every 20 minutes? have you considered stealing that from biden? >> no, we are fine. >> what about biweekly brow lifts? >> negative. >> maybe you could give more sound bites to quote my good
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friend strom? >> no. >> what about heading down a shelter for the most violent acts since cujo? >> i'm trying to find a dog. >> you'll be find. there are dogs every where. best of luck. not that you'll need it with all your gem bracelets fully charged. >> thank you, mayor adams. i will note as of this airing, central park woefully lacks the glass eyeball. when i return, the exciting media endeavor that is highly vital to preserving our fragile democracy and a shameless cash grab for me. stick around. >>. on facebook, twitter, and
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tiktok for exclusive contact. welcome back, everyone. before we go, with democracy in peril and fascism on the rise, it's more important than ever that journalists like myself stay laser-focused on delivering hard, well researched in-depth reporting. that and the dollar signs pulsing atop my eyeballs is the sole motivation of me expanding my media reach and introducing three new newsletters, eight new books and 500 new podcasts. whether it's one thousand page stream of conscious titled truth under fire, america at a crossroads or my podcast about little richard or whatever, my news empire will be so large, journalism is so thin you'll wonder if it's even there. because news is words, and it's time i say more of them. good night, everyone. >> i just realized i've had a jolly rancher inside my mouth
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jolly rancher inside my mouth this entire broadcast. captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪rywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ithout - ♪ going down to south park ♪♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪day or ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪eighbo" - ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪nd ♪ - ♪ [mumbling] ♪ ( mumb - ♪ come on down to south park ♪k ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪
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for you i wish many things... to see all the world can be. but most of all... i wish you'll never stop wishing.


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