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tv   Stephen Colbert Presents Tooning Out the News  Comedy Central  November 2, 2022 12:00am-12:31am PDT

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in her 2003 hatchback... ...she's kat medina, bringer of sustenance, provider of all things greasy and caloric. ♪ ♪ whatever the morning brings, sip your sunshine! with 100% vitamin c, tropicana.
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wha[jordan] as we approachs, this election on elections, we wait to see not who wins, but who accepts loss. it's scary to see how damaged our democracy is, and even scarier that we don't seem to have any ideas on how to fix it. -how do we save democracy? -put kid rock in office! there you go! that guy can't mess it up. so, are we gonna make it? well, i don't know. i do know i have a lot of faith in my country. but just to be safe, i'm heading over the border to mexico before the [bleep] goes down. [music] [male singer] ♪ mtv ♪ [angelic voices]
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♪♪ -from comedy central, this is "stephen colbert presents tooning out the news." ♪♪ -tonight on "tooning out the news," "big news'" james smartwood sits down for an exclusive interview with new york city mayor eric adams to discuss whether he's the man to sweep democrats to victory as effectively as he can sweep a homeless camp. and "inside the hill" covers liz cheney saying a trump run for president could cause more republican infighting than when they fought over who gets to boot her out of the party. but first, as the battle for congress tightens, republicans are hoping the country is such a disorienting nightmare that voters will say, "screw it. let's elect dr. oz to the senate." this is "hot take"! ♪♪
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hey, all you sleepless teeth grinder kings. i'm host who fetches the ball from my dog tyler templeton. top story -- with 13 days until the midterms, the tires are coming off the country, and republicans are riding the glowing orange rims to an election-night victory. and we republicans earned this moment. we screwed up covid, which caused a supply-chain crisis, which caused runaway inflation. and now, according to 538, which is totally skewed unless it says what i want it to, the polls are trending in republicans' favor. ya-hoo-skoodaladee-doo! republican control of the senate and the future of mammalian life on earth could come down to what happens in pennsylvania, where democrat john fetterman debated dr. mehmet oz. it was an amazing night between a man trying to convince voters he's a healthy human and a man trying to convince voters he's a human. but it was oz who landed the decisive blow with this take on abortion. -i don't want the federal government involved with that at all. i want women, doctors, local political leaders
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letting the democracy that's always allowed our nation to thrive, to put the best ideas forward so states can decide for themselves. -yes, local political leaders are experts on this stuff. i can't name one difference between dictating women's health decisions and judging the town pumpkin-carving contest. joining me now to roll around in the news mud is co-host whose work-performance reviews always have an entire section entitled "biting incidents" bonnie davis. -hi, there. -co-host who gives out zippo lighters for halloween susan shepard. -good evening. -co-host who posts slideshows after guys' trips to colorado with the caption "what a weekend full of epic conversations" austin sparks. -hey, tyler. and host of pbs's "firing line" and voice of the wing of the republican party that doesn't only speak in tongues margaret hoover. thanks for joining us, margaret. -great to be here. -so, margaret, republicans caused a million or so covid deaths. and fast-forward -- now vaccine skeptic marjorie taylor greene is next in line for house speaker. everything worked out, huh?
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-republicans are cautiously optimistic going into the midterms, and that goes for the house republicans and it goes for the republicans in the senate. of course, there are two very different types of republicans. the republicans in the house will be a different set of republicans. if they win the majority, there will be a larger number of republicans who you might agree with, the kind that don't choose to certify elections. -so rational republicans. -and that's not great for democracy. but there will be some republicans hopefully returning to the senate who do believe in democracy, voted to hold donald trump accountable, like lisa murkowski in the senate. so you're gonna have a mixed bag. -bonnie, w-what are you thinking in this moment? -ya know, milk is expensive, so, of course, we should vote in the party slow-roasting the planet and keep that cheap milk flowing into our sticky children's faces. -voters know that republicans get stuff done. just think about how we pulled off those several hundred thousand covid funerals.
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-let's go back to that debate in pennsylvania between "david mamet" oz and david fetterman. afterwards, there was a lot of speculation about whether fetterman has the cognitive capacity to serve alongside mental super athletes like dianne feinstein and chuck grassley. to investigate, i respectfully purchased fetterman's brain from my cousin ricky. as you can see, fetterman's brain is wrinkly, lacking the silky smooth linoleum sheen of a healthy brain. i've told it to roll over multiple times, and it does not follow basic commands. margaret, back me up. senators need to be geniuses operating at the very top of their intelligence to cast the vote their staff tells them to. -yeah, well, we all know that that's not true. what we do know, i mean, the voters of pennsylvania deserve to know what the real mental and cognitive abilities are of the person they're about to vote for, and that's a pretty reasonable expectation. -it is cute, though. and daddy loves you. who's a good brain? -aww. i kind of want to vote for the brain now. -i'll talk you to the park later
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so you can play with the other dogs. moving on, our lord and savior, donald trump, is selflessly taking time away from stealing the 2024 election for himself to steal the 2022 election for the republicans who will rig the 2024 election for him. the "rolling stones" report that... whoa! are we going full-on autocracy? because that is, uh, yikes! i'm, uh -- i'm not at all a little terrified that we're finally going through with it. -tyler, are you okay? -yes. even though my life is largely fine, i want an autocracy. can someone open a window? -tyler, you're sweating your frickin' ass off! -don't talk. i -- it just makes me more sick. susan, did you say you wanted a ginger ale?
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-no. -fine! i'll drink it. not that i need it, because i like living in an autocracy. actually, i love it! i've never been happier and my pulse less scary loud. margaret, explain why this is just classic political gamesmanship. and, also, please list the symptoms of a panic attack. -take a deep breath. you can take some comfort in the fact that donald trump's election shenanigans that all filtered through the courts -- 60-plus cases in the last election in 2020... -[ tyler groaning ] okay. -not a single one of them was able to pass muster with a judge, whether that judge was appointed by a democratic president, a republican president, or donald trump himself. on the other hand... -can i take my socks off? -...if you really want an autocracy... -uh, would that be weird? can be delighted that signs are in place... -aah! -...that there is a... -jesus christ. -...really scary fraction... -where is the ginger ale?! -...of americans that seem to be agitating in that direction. -alright. now that margaret has calmed down, finally,
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austin, can you give us a preview of "sparks!"? -thanks. as everyone surely knows by now, i am host of "tooning out's" raucous, "can they say that" late-night show "sparks!" and this week's episode is absolutely epic sauce. first up, me and elise stefanik hit pumpkins with hockey sticks. then i keep swallowing roaches till vanessa lachey gives me a rib-cracking heimlich. and, yeah, it's our big phone interview with teri hatcher. finally, it's b-a-a-ack. our youtube challenge where parents tell their kids there's fentanyl in their halloween candy. here's a taste. -you know how you got candy last night? well, turns out there's fentanyl in it. -yes. -fentanyl, sweetie, in your candy. -whoa, ho, ho, ho! and they only get better than that. i promise. that's tonight on "sparks!" -sounds great. thank you to my co-hosts and "tooning out the news" contributor margaret hoover. thanks, margaret! -thanks. thanks so much, tyler. -she is the host of pbs's
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"firing line with margaret hoover." it's on channel 13 or 8 or something weird. alright. "inside the hill" is up next. sarah, what do you got? -great show, tyler! -thanks, mommy! i mean, wait -- -tonight, liz cheney expresses hope that the republican party will finally stop donald trump from perverting the party into the thing it's always been. that's ahead.
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everything here is... philadelphia cheesecake. ♪ ♪ ♪ cheesecake is everything ♪ bake your own. ♪ ♪ these moments don't last forever, but duracell can make them last longer. ♪ ♪♪ -the history channel. -tonight, liz cheney warns that if trump is the republican nominee the party might lose its massive liz cheney voting bloc. -let's go inside the hill! ♪♪ -i'm rich ballard, and my wife has been on a yoga retreat for the past two years. -i'm sarah sabo, and i'm still mad at my children for looking weird in their ultrasounds.
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-joining us on the panel is wall street journal columnist looking forward to an afterlife of being pummeled by a few hundred justifiably enraged elephants eleanor palmer. -hello. -and princeton history professor who has eight friends named harrison dr. ike bloom. -greetings. -let's jump in. the republican party is questioning whether donald trump should be its next nominee as legal troubles threaten to completely engulf him in small fines and wrist slaps. -at the center of the never-trump rebellion is beacon of morality liz cheney, who believes the party is moments from suddenly abandoning the policies and rhetoric it's spent several decades perfecting. -you think the republican party can be saved? -i think that the party has either got to come back from where we are right now, which is a very dangerous and toxic place, or the party will splinter and there will be a new conservative party that rises. and if donald trump is the nominee of the republican party, the party will shatter and there will be a conservative party
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that rises in its place. -yes, liz cheney is an expert on the republican party. that's why, in her primary, she effortlessly sailed to getting completely destroyed. -right. i mean, trump holds power over a mere fraction of the party, that fraction being 4/5ths. -if you flip that poll upside down, that's when things get exciting! -yeah, it sure does. panel, jump in here. -and just think how big that anti-trump percent would be if liz cheney's dad hadn't sent so many good republicans to die in iraq. -my wager is ultimately the republican party's cooler heads will prevail, specifically the ones that cool off post-decapitation. -the number-one rated show on cable news by far is "tucker carlson tonight," and i'm sure every republican is watching it purely out of disgust. -yes, there are so many good republicans if you know where to look. -tell us more, ms. sabo! -i will, in our segment called "good republican stories." i heard these mysterious good republicans
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hide out deep in the forest singing merrily near a babbling brook. -i heard good republicans live in castles made of glass and honey where they sip upon thimbles of milk. -when dandelion seeds float atop the breeze, the sighting of a good republican i guarantees. -legend has it that atop the hat of a friendly gnome, where fairies gently make their home, a good republican is said to roam. -why are you talking like that? -i'm talking exactly like you're talking. -this has been "good republican stories." -alright. time for some off-the-record chit-chat about the folks juggling our rights over a burning safety net. -it's time for some beltway gossip. ♪♪ the waiter at le diplomate let it slip that after clarence thomas shielded lindsey graham from testifying before a grand jury, he appeared at the supreme court sporting a forehead-mounted billboard reading "elect republicans." -ooh! -hm. interesting.
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-now, listen to this. i saw ted cruz at yankee stadium getting ready for bed under the mistaken impression he was at home after being greeted just like his family greets him every night. -of course! -ooh! -yeah. -my dry cleaner heard that kanye west was at adidas headquarters trying to sketch out the best shoe design for goose-stepping. -ooh! -needing a heel. -i overheard a white house intern say that president biden is attempting to protect the safety of arizona election officials by using major's gene pool to rapidly breed an army of demon guard dogs. -ooh! -very hot. -i was at the hospital for a check-up and walked by dr. oz trying to show he's a native pennsylvanian by having surgery to look more like the philadelphia phanatic. -ohh. -i hadn't thought of that. -and that's your beltway gossip. well, i finally got my vial of archduke ferdinand's blood, so i'm gonna plop down in my study, drink it by myself, and watch queen latifah kick someone's ass on my big tv,
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so that's all the time we have. -when "tooning out the news" returns, james smartwood miraculously avoids getting his skull crushed by the nypd and conducts an exclusive interview with mayor eric adams. you know, i hope mayor adams cleans up the streets so i don't have to see crime on my way to commit white-collar crime. -i saw someone give a homeless man a bottle of water today, and i was so upset i forgot my goddamn name. -"tooning out the news: the podcast" is available thursdays on your platform of choice. millions have made the switch from the big three to the best kept secret in wireless: xfinity mobile. the podcast" that means millions are saving hundreds a year with the fastest mobile service. and now, introducing, the best price for two lines of unlimited. just $30 per line. there are millions of happy campers out there. and this is the perfect time to join them... save hundreds a year on your wireless bill over t-mobile, verizon and at&t. just take the xfinity mobile savings challenge today to see how much you can save.
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♪♪ -tonight, i sit down with democratic rising star and new york city mayor eric adams to discuss whether he has what it takes to succeed joe biden as the mega botox 30-stapled face of the democratic party. it's time for some "big news"! ♪♪ good evening. i am news anchor speeding in a luxury fact-mobile down headline highway before plunging off journalist point and blowing up in a ball of stories in scoops canyon james smartwood. tonight, when republicans are not dismissing president trump's crimes
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as the youthful indiscretions of a wayward 76-year-old, they're campaigning against democrats for being soft on crime. for answers, the democratic party has turned to the only one in their ranks potentially weird enough to take on donald trump -- new york city mayor eric adams. i sashayed these little hips to new york city hall to ask mayor adams about crime, conservative governors trafficking migrants, and whether adams has what it takes to carry on the democrats' proud tradition of being functionally republican. mr. mayor, thank you for taking time from pressure-washing city hall for traces of rudy giuliani to speak with me today. let's begin with your journey to the mayor of the greatest city on earth, where you can watch hugh jackman sing and dance for a mere month's salary -- new york. why has your story broken through? i mean, doesn't the democratic party have enough jacked, vegan, ex-cop, sexagenarian club kids? -[ chuckles ] that's a great description. -mm-hmm. -i just think pragmatic, you know? all of us remember and recall our grandmothers, our aunties, our mom and dad just giving us common sense.
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everyone talks about dollars and cents. no, it's common sense. -mm-hmm. -and that is the philosophy. that is how i approach life. just common-sense things to do. -speaking of common sense, you've said that because of rare gems and stones under new york "there's a special energy that comes from here." do you stand by that statement? -i said, oh, don't you feel it? -oh, my goodness. -you know, i wear my gems and my stones. great energy. -now, here's the problem, though. every four years, a politician says, "i believe my city is powered by gems," weirdo voters get him elected, then, like clockwork, the lobbyists move in, and the politician abandons their whole whackadoodle vibe. can you look me in the eye and promise that you're different and, by the end of your first term, will build a giant glass eyeball that unlocks new york's interdimensional power? -well, first of all, the lobbyists can't move in. it's too expensive. -oh. right. -we got to bring down the cost of living in new york. -absolutely. are you gonna build that eyeball, though? -yes, without a doubt. -now, let's talk about your feud with republican texas governor and rich villain in a 1980s ski-patrol comedy greg abbott.
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he's been bussing migrants to new york city in protest of the biden administration's immigration policies... and also republicans not paying enough attention to him. obviously, you've opposed these actions. if you and governor abbott cannot agree that migrants are political props, what hope is there that americans can find any common ground? -listen. he is inhumane. he's carried out inhumane actions. and it really has just put a tarnish on the dignity of this country. -now you're just quoting his campaign slogans. -and so we say, those who come here, we're going to fulfill our legal but moral obligation to take care. -now, in response, you've threatened to send new yorkers to texas to campaign against governor abbott. first of all, great plan. there's nothing texans love more than being told what's best for them by new yorkers. but if you do it, those new yorkers will need strong, substantive opposition research on governor abbott, which luckily my team has dug up. go ahead, read those aloud, see what you think. -sounds like a plan. -alright. -"greg abbott is proud that texas ranks 31st in education,
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but that's because he thinks it's out of..." [ laughs ] "it's out of 100 states." -that's right. that's a good one. -"greg abbott is so unlikable, heidi cruz wants to marry him." -that's right. that's... -"greg abbott is so bad... -and how bad is he? -...that texas voters are considering doing the unthinkable -- electing beto o'rourke." aww. -it's fine. he's hot. now, on the campaign trail, when you weren't talking about your number-one issue, what you put in your morning smoothie, you were talking about crime. bloomberg reports that... these are small crimes like subway-fare evasion and sleeping on a park bench, but these arrests do let concerned new yorkers know mayor adams will not tolerate being poor in this city. can you promise that by the end of your term every new yorker will be rich or in jail? -[ laughs ] every new yorker will feel safe.
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misdemeanor arrests. those are the quality-of-life issues. we lost almost $500 million on those jumping the turnstile. no enforcement. they start out as misdemeanor arrests, they enter the system, then they commit felonies. that's what history has shown us. -now, in one notable police incident, the nypd arrested a saxophone musician for allegedly violating subway rules and regulations. you call the nypd's response "proper policing." are you concerned the nypd does not have enough funding when you only have six cops in your saxophone strike force? -oh, negative. -mm-hmm. -omnipresence, them being there, quality of life is the number-one issue people complain about. -yeah, well, do you need additional resources to protect the city from the other instruments out there? someone could be playing the trumpet, trombone, piano. um, what else is there? sax-- well, we talked about saxophone. that was the big one. that's the one where the guy got roughed up pretty bad. now, president biden is on the campaign trail striking a very eric adams-esque tone with respect to law and order. have you considered borrowing one of joe biden's trademarks and getting contacts that give you a pair
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of bleak, lifeless shark eyes? -[ laughs ] negative. i love my eyes. -what about seesawing in and out of covid every 20 minutes? have you considered stealing that from biden? -no, we are fine. -what about biweekly brow lifts? -negative. -maybe you could give more sound bites that begin with, "to quote my good friend strom"? -no. -what about heading down to the shelter and adopting a couple of the most violent dogs since the third act of "cujo"? -i'm trying to find a dog. -oh, you'll be fine. there are dogs everywhere. mr. mayor, thank you and best of luck. not that you'll need it with all your quantum chakras aligned and gem bracelet fully charged. -[ laughs ] -thank you, mayor adams, but i will note that as of this airing central park woefully lacks the promised glass eyeball. typical politician behavior there. when we return, i announce a new, exciting media endeavor that is both highly vital to preserving our fragile democracy and a shameless cash grab for me. stick around. -follow "tooning out the news" on facebook, twitter, instagram, and tiktok for exclusive content. for people living with h-i-v, keep being you. and ask your doctor about biktarvy.
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biktarvy is a complete, one-pill, once-a-day treatment used for h-i-v in certain adults. it's not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights h-i-v to help you get to and stay undetectable. that's when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. research shows people who take h-i-v treatment every day and get to and stay undetectable can no longer transmit h-i-v through sex. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. if you're living with hiv, keep loving who you are. and ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you.
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[lebron versus father time, final round] i make this shot, it's over. ♪♪ i'm undefeated. the clock is ticking. father time, he can't be far behind. i can do this all day. he can't keep this up. it's getting weird. he is very old. very old. is this the end? [lebron wins.] alert! organism detected. guys, there's something on this ship.
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there's something with us here. what do we do? get to the escape pods. go now! ok, i'm an alien. and i got these claws. i'm climbing the wall now. if you're making a sci-fi movie, you need to finish the special effects. does that look good? and if you want to save by bundling home and car insurance, you need geico. guys? uh-oh. see how much you could save by bundling with geico. is that going to be a problem? ♪♪ ♪♪ give the gift of shine. ♪♪ only at zales, the diamond store. -welcome back, everyone. you know, before we go, with democracy in peril
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and fascism on the rise, it's more important than ever that journalists like myself stay laser-focused on delivering hard, well-researched, in-depth reporting. that, and not the dollar signs pulsing atop my eyeballs, is the sole motivation for me uncontrollably expanding my media reach and introducing three new newsletters, eight new books, and 500 new podcasts. whether it's my 1,000-page stream-of-consciousness book entitled "truth under fire: america at a crossroads," or my podcast about little richard or whatever, my news empire will be so large and the journalism so thin that you'll wonder if it's even there. because news is words, and it's time i say more of them. good night, everyone. i just realized i've had a jolly rancher inside my mouth this entire broadcast. - all right, mom, i'm all done wrapping dad's anniversary present for you. - oh, is it someone's anniversary soon? - oh, you. - just kidding. ooh, i wonder what it is.


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