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tv   Stephen Colbert Presents Tooning Out the News  Comedy Central  November 3, 2022 2:00am-2:31am PDT

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right and still have diabetes. >> trevor: right, right. >> here is my recommendation. i think herschel walker should be the dietitian and i will serving united states senate. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: [laughs] let's take a little bit about how you work as well. i have found it particularly interesting that even in your campaign ads in georgia, you have gone out of your way to talk about republicans who you have worked with, which too many people would seem like suicide. you say, i've worked with ted cruz, i've worked with marco rubio. most people don't want to even admit that they know ted cruz. and yet here you are saying, no, i worked with ted cruz, i worked with marco rubio. you have made an effort of talking about reaching across the aisle and working with other lawmakers to get things done. it seems like that is dwindling in american politics, as you said, people are retreating to their corners and saying, this is where i stand, i work with no
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one else. do you not worry about alienating some people who say, how can you reach across the aisle? or why is it that you choose to particularly include that in your own campaign ad? it is your ad. why include ted ted cruz's name, marco rubio's? >> i'm the 18th most bipartisan senator, i am the 18th, and that is a little bit of an achievement because out of 100 senators, i am 100. i'm the most junior senator in the senate and i have been able to convince people to work with me to pull people together, and so yeah, i will be honest, ted cruz and i are both on the commerce committee. most of the time when he is talking, i'm sitting there thinking to myself, really? like, you put on a suit and a time to come here to do that? that is usually what i am thinking. but when it came time to a
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priority corridor in georgia, and interstate that would run through texas and also through georgia, it would connect the military bases, it would revitalize a lot of our rural areas that have been suffering all throughout georgia, i did not mind working with ted cruz to do that. if we can build up the highway, no one cares if you are a democrat or republican. you have to use the highway. so what i have endeavored to do is not to be a senator who used to be a pastor, but a pastor in the senate, which is why i return to my pulpit. i preach here every sunday. and you continue to do the important work. so i hope the people of georgia give me six more years to keep doing this work. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: thank you so much.
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senator raphael warnock, everybody. we need to take a quick break, we'll be right back after this. thanks for doing this. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight, thank you so much for tuning in. but before we go: the midterm elections are approaching, and the stakes are higher than they've been in generations, so make sure your voice counts. make your plan to vote early at now here it is. your "moment of zen." ♪ ♪ >> we are a party of racists, you are a racist. the republican party is racist. >> i've got plenty of faults. >> republicans at their heart are a bunch of racists. >> 9/11 was an inside job. >> trump is a [bleep] idiot. >> i know how words can be twisted, i know you how you can be taken out of context.
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♪ from comedy central, this is stephen colbert presents: "tooning out the news." >> tonight on "tuning out the news," we welcome kir sten gill brant to discuss why the closest republicans will come to by partsanship. and elon musk will provide a platform for fake bots, as much as his scalp provides a platform for fake hair. it is the final stretch for congress and joe biden is chasing the senior vote while donald trump is having his followers chase down seniors. ♪
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>> i go in my closet. my ties are like disappearing. there is one that's getting longer, and i think it's actually eating the other. >> interesting. >> is that not a snake? >> do you think i have been wearing snakes as ties? >> good evening. i just bought a nasty stereo system you need to check out some time. the top story with just six days until elections and the m cans chances of winning congress are narrowing, they are growing uneasy with their stance and pivoting to, hey, who wants pills? >> if republicans in the congress have their way, the power we just gave medicare to negotiate their in terms of prices goes away, gone. $2,000 cap on prescription drugs, gone. >> republicans don't need to cut medicare because their policies will have already wiped out humanity. meanwhile, republicans are laser focussing on kitchen table issues like whether the pull
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pelosi attack involved gay stuff. >> it's weird things going on in that household in the last couple of weeks. the whole thing is crazy. i mean, if there is a little bit of truth to what's being said, it's crazy. but the window was broken in. it's strange that the cops were standing there practically from the moment it all took place. >> an unforced error by trump to elevate the pelosi attacker who will likely be his biggest competition for the republican nomination in 2024. joining me now is democratic strategist who lists chuck todd as her emergency contract. >> good evening. >> his entire income consists of class action lawsuit reward money, jonathan keen. >> hello. >> hand turkey picasso james jr. >> hello. >> thank you so much for being
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here, major. >> always a pleasure. >> major a stunning final week before the election. will republicans pay any electoral price for this insane attack on pull pelosi or is the fact his brain is still in his head the fact they softened their pospositions? >> third in line in succession to the u.s. presidency, her husband attacks, and the attacker telling authorities he intended to kidnap nancy pelosi and interrogate her and if she didn't give answers that satisfied him, he would kneecap her. the country is in many respects shocked by this. will this create a mind set of, wait a minute, do republicans play footsy with extremism or do they not? or independent swing voters could be decided. >> clearly republicans are passionate about their pro-hammer agenda. and democrats need to do that thing where they meet them halfway and volunteer to get extra bone installed in their skulls.
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>> young democrats must be so inspired that their parties closing argument is delivered by an end of life president talking about medical care. >> he will turn this car around and drive it right off a cliff said this. >> it is not improbable to protect our kids at school. they act like it is. nancy pelosi, she has protection when she is in d.c. apparently her house does not have protection. >> adding lividity to an issue the republicans spent every moment laughing about. >> if i may, let me say this behavior on the right, it's not who we are. >> are you sure about that? i mean, we've got this history of racism, wars of aggression, economic injustice. >> right. but isn't it also that this is not who we are? >> well, i'm saying i think we are are it. >> well, it's not who we are. >> yes, we are. >> but just to be clear, it's not who we are. >> if you say it one more time, i'm going to lose it. >> okay. all right. but it's not who we are.
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>> wow. let's go ahead and dig into the election hard data with our senior political analyst who is at the big board. ted, what are the numbers showing about the battle for congress? >> thanks, james. pollsters have been conducting hundreds of scientifically advanced concepts and developing quantum computer projection models. after all that, we've learned anything can happen. >> you have tons of data there and we're less than a week out. surely you can make some sense of this chaos? >> nope. 30 crazy nut bags march to victory and i look like a stupid jerk. no, it's true. i look like a stupid jerk. >> we understand that voter behavior is erratic and difficult to discern, but there must be something you know for certain. >> yes. one day all life on earth will cease to exist. >> come on. the uncertainty for life and i am but a vessel for this reali realization. drink. be free. >> can you tell us what's going
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on in the pennsylvania senate race? >> polls show john fetterman holds a narrow lead over dr. oz. we don't know jack except, again, decay is inevitable. >> jesus. >> can you just chill out? go buy yourself a steak or something. >> oh, more meat to put in my meat. yeah, that's right. i'm meat, too. >> we'll be checking in with ted during our special election coverage coming to you next week. thanks so much, ted. >> you got it. >> despite what ted said, most models predict the republicans will win the house of representatives. good lord. what is going on inside this studio? >> i'll take this one, james. it appears nature itself can sense the upcoming republican midterm victories. and out of pure instinct is seeking out the safest place to shelter from our societal collapse. >> i see. and are you okay? >> me? oh, i'm fine.
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i will say that the voices within me have communicated that a dark age is upon us. >> all right. i have been taking a watercolor painting class down at the learning annex because, i don't know, shut up. let's wrap it there. sorry we didn't have time for kyrie irving going off by 40 points. thank you to my analysts and major garrett. thank you so much. >> always a pressure. >> up next is virtue signal. who are you abandoning this week? >> thanks, james. elon musk promoted a clean energy platform, but now platforms racial cleansing and more talking than a self-guiding tesla suddenly backing into a leg. that's ahead on "virtue signal". >> james, can i just say? this is not who we are. >> oh, my gosh. >> oh, my gosh. can someone give me
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with mccormick, it's gonna be great. thursday night football, the players brains only get four days to recover. that means more action. >> tonight, liberals have long stanned innovator elon musk, but were we too trusting of the man who flew a rocket six feet into space and called himself an astronaut? this is virtue signal.
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>> hi, i'm kylie weaver and i love being around people and receiving attention, but i'm actually more of an introvert, if you can believe it. top story y'all. my media betches and i have long stanned clean energy zaddy elon musk for serving up innovation realness. >> elon musk is a visionary, he's got great ideas. >> elon musk is a genius. >> a justifiable genius. >> person of the year. >> his name may belong inside those of edison and jobs. >> but now the mega-billionaire who disrupted the "not pregnant subordinates industry" is allowing hatred on twitter against different types of people. a surprise considering his self-driving cars run over all types of people equally. and after the attack on paul pelosi, mr. musk wrote, "there is a tiny possibility there might be more to this story than meets the eye" and then shared a link to an article in the santa monica observer.
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the article alleges that mr. pelosi was drunk and in a fight with a male prostitute. i expected a better head on his shoulders from someone whose shoulder hair is embedded on his head. >> also, he was friends with ghislane maxwell. joining me in the echo chamber is former biden communications director who stopped volunteering the instant she got her yale acceptance letter, jordan polce. >> hello. >> former dnc chair who was voted "biggest handful" by the connecticut association of retail returns processors, charlotte fitzgerald. >> good evening. >> and lincoln project senior advisor who gets about a hundred steps in before his shoes fall apart like soggy cardboard, troy lawson. >> great to be here. >> musk's dissent into right wing conspiracy is leaving me wondering if we'll ever find a billionaire with a good god complex for once. >> not all billionaires, okay? there are a lot of good ones. obviously, not bill gates or jeff bezos or michael bloomberg or jk rowling or david geffen or can someone else talk?
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>> well thankfully, the self-proclaimed chief twit, god, wait. that's so funny. god, i actually love that so much. elon musk reassured advertisers tweeting, "twitter obviously cannot become a free-for-all hellscape" and "twitter will be forming a content moderation council with widely diverse viewpoints." >> obviously, elon will listen to his council. he's notoriously thick-skinned and, when challenged, only rarely publicly calls someone a pedophile. >> look, if the council doesn't moderate twitter to people's liking, musk needs to appoint a council-council to rule over the council. and if that doesn't work, he can just appoint a council-council-council who's in charge of the council-council. and if that doesn't work, i don't know what to tell ya. >> turning now to media news. anchor on fake news network in a disaster movie news nation, chris cuomo, is deviating from his usually placid demeanor and complaining about his ratings. "cuomo is getting nasty about the ratings and he is starting
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to blame everyone but himself" an insider said. "he's blaming the network, staff that he personally hired, his lead-in, the promo department, and even the press department!" i grew out of my cuomosexual phase even though defending your brother is like the cutest thing ever, but there is nothing wrong with having high expectations for your staff. panel, am i right? >> of course, kylie, you demand so much from yourself. why wouldn't you expect the same from others? >> thank you. troy, what do you think? do you think it's okay for the host to occasionally blow up at the staff when she, chris cuomo, is under a lot of stress? >> ahh. yes, queen. anyone who can't take criticism shouldn't be in show business. >> that's right. jordan, you're awfully quiet. what do you think? >> umm, uhh, ummm. >> i think what jordan was going to say is you are absolutely correct, kylie. >> is that what you were going to say, jordan?
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>> umm, uhh-ummm i -- >> just say "yes"! just say yes, jordan. our lives are in your hands. oh no, not the spikes! >> jordan, you crazy bastard! just say she's right! >> i'm trying, but the words aren't coming out! >> jordan, say it now! i'm going to take you to hell with me, you bitch. you're right kylie. oh, thank god. oh great god. >> thank you. i agree. obviously none of us are perfect. >> hey, is anyone else seeing entirely in purple? >> okay, i have to go text all my jewish friends a heart so let's wrap it there. when "tooning out the news" returns, hot take's tyler templeton asks senator kirsten gillibrand how to lower the temperature of political rhetoric so americans stop hammering their leaders' spouses and get back to soiling their desks. stick around. >> hey, gang. i'll be honest, i got a little bit of a headache. >> have you been drinking enough water? >> that's what it is.
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"tooning out the news," the podcast, is available thursdays podcast, is available thursdays on your platform of choi
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>> cube smart mini storage. the future of affordable housing is here. >> hey, it's host who can't tiptoe without being even louder, tyler templeton, alongside co-host, frequently named-checked on the earnings call, bonnie davis. co-host who prays every night to be hunted by a terminator, susan shephard. and co-host and master of the pillow talk pivot to his sat score, austin sparks. obama's last-minute charisma offensive will be immediately swallowed up by the charisma black hole of jd vance. this is "hot take." ♪ what's up slipped disc squad. top story: republicans are set to sweep back into power and deliver this country the student athlete genital check protocols it needs to win the 21st century, but the democrats keep distracting the public by being the target of assassination attempts. of course, republicans are praying for paul pelosi and his family and doing everything they can to stop this violence by blaming the left and declaring
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themselves the victims. >> people in both parties are, are guilty of, uh, intense rhetoric. >> we had a, a doorknocker in florida that was attacked a couple years back when a bernie sanders supporter shot steve scalise. the threats on, uh, justice kavanaugh. this started back in the summer of 2020, right, when you saw cities burning. >> yep. everything causes everything. that's why i'm calling on the primordial fish that climbed outta the ocean millions of years ago to condemn this violence on both sides of the aisle. and, sure, of the 443 people killed at the hands of extremists from 2012 to 2021, 333 or 75% were killed by right-wing extremists. but i refuse to let democrats force their “75 is a lot bigger than 25” agenda on me. now spawning in our multi-player showdown is democratic senator of new york, kirsten gillibrand. thank you for joining us, senator. >> lovely to be here, tyler. thank you. >> senator, please say the rhetoric is out of control, whether it's republicans or
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baby-eating globalist democrats who must be stopped by any means necessary. >> so obviously we've had a rise in antisemitism, in bigotry, in racism and homophobia. um, a lot of the increase happened under president trump's watch. uh, obviously he didn't create racism and homophobia and antisemitism, but he definitely poured fuel on the fire. >> he would have if he wanted! >> and, uh, president biden has worked very hard to try to cool tensions to try to bring this country back together again. he wants to heal the soul of our nation. >> we're conveniently forgetting that crazed liberals forced ted cruz to leave a restaurant mid-meal. is it not an equivalent form of violence to have to eat a seafood tower from a doggy bag? >> oh, yeah. let's not forget all those people who had to watch him eat it. >> exactly. >> you know, this is just a
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random act of violence in nancy pelosi's crime-ridden san francisco. and the perpetrator was just saying, "where's nancy?" because he wanted her advice on who to attack randomly. >> let's turn to abortion. democrats will not drop this abortion issue despite it being settled precedent since 2022. senator, will you codify roe v. wade overturning the overwhelming will of six catholic freaks on the supreme court? >> so, this country for 50 years has had the right to privacy. and what this supreme court decision did is say that women, for 40 years of their reproductive life, which is the time you can have children approximately, that you don't have a right to privacy. and so these red states are trying to enforce it by taking away your right to have a conversation with your mother on facebook privately about your health, whether you could receive medicines in the mail, whether a 10-year-old could be taken out of state by her parents because she was raped. all of those decisions and actions are now being upended in these very conservative states under this decision that took away women's right to
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reproductive freedom. >> well, i gotta say this. if we don't somehow criminalize women for living their lives, we're telling society it's okay to be one. >> well and then, that's a good point what happens is -- >> yeah, and republicans are on the right side of this issue. nothing says freedom like dr. oz having the freedom to control your medical decision. >> absolutely. and if i -- >> look, if you wanna have the right to an abortion, only fornicate with republican politicians who can afford to fly you outta state. >> of course. and if i had a -- >> exactly. and look, the court gave authority to the states and state politicians are the right people to decide on abortion rights because they're republicans. >> wow. great to hear from everyone on this important issue. now, senator, if certain republican candidates win their races, you're gonna work alongside a bunch of new senators who need you to explain that the majority whip is not a kind of dessert topping. that means it's time to play “friend or no friend." we'll say a senator you will soon see around the chamber and you tell us if you think you can
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be friends. ready? senator, are you ready? >> i'm ready. yes, i'm ready. >> okay, fantastic. let's go. when he's not hosing puppy blood off his shoes, snake oil tycoon dr. oz is busy ushering local water commissioners into women's doctor's offices. so senator, dr. oz: friend or no friend? >> i can be a friend with any colleague to get things done regardless of their views, uh, which i do today. >> all right, we'll keep putting that to the test. next, love child of peter thiel in a great replacement theory subreddit, this tech innovator from arizona wants to disrupt the way women die during childbirth in order to serve as arizona's first extraterrestrial senator. blake masters: friend or no friend? >> so i'm gonna be friends with all my colleagues. >> huh. really? uh, okay? okay. wow. okay. >> all right, well, we'll see if we can get you with this one.
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when he is not holding a gun to a woman's head or buying her a bus ticket to planned parenthood, this heisman trophy winner is trying to prove that even people whose brain is one giant bruise can rise to the office of senator. herschel walker: friend or no friend? >> i will work with herschel walker. >> what! oh, my god. jesus christ. >> and that's how you play friend or no friend, i guess. all right. i got a lead on a nice ham, so let's wrap it there. thank you to my co-host and democratic senator kirsten gillibrand. thanks, senator. >> thank you. >> and when "tooning out the news" returns: a special offer exclusively for hot take viewers, and this time it won't flatten your credit score. follow "tooning out the news" on


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