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tv   Stephen Colbert Presents Tooning Out the News  Comedy Central  November 9, 2022 11:45pm-12:16am PST

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podcast, iheartradio app, wherever you get your podcasts. you can also watch and listen at daily now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> flashback. >> on election night, to ask from right, there will be a red wave. >> there is a red wave coming and it will be a tsunami. >> the red wave, read tsunami. >> we are not just going to see a red wave. we will see a red tsunami. >> a red hurricane. >> my mom think there is going to be a red way. >> red wave, tsunami. >> red by. >> to be a massive red way. >> many on my comparable hours later... speak of the state ♪ campbell soup, on a mission to rehabilitate the word chunky. tonight on "tooning out the news" special coverage of the
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2022 midterm election. voters decide democracy is more important than slightly cheaper eggs. democratic congressman ro khanna. austin sparks hosts a round table featuring pro-life men using a fetus's level of brain activity. >> conservative hot take host had his arms reattached six times due to chain saw juggling mishaps. democratic strategist uses word jean yous to describe lydia parker. >> highlighting 300 pages of unpound paper on the subway. dr. ike bloom. holding up the dinosaur chicken industry james smartwood industry. big board, senior political analyst currently realizing this life doesn't make him happy, ted jaworski. >> our "tooning out the news" special coverage begins right now. >> announcer: from comedy
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central, this is "tooning out the news" election 2022. someone give beto a netflix deal. james smartwood. >> i'm co-anchor who thinks the midterms are my super bowl but i also love sports. kylie weaver. tonight democrats are gleeful the red wave was strong as the flow of oxygen to herschel walker's brain. the senate remains in the balance as the nation considers suburban moms outweigh the real fears of being forced to be a mom. emboldened president biden held a press conference to take credit for never coming twain 50 miles of their campaign events. >> let's bring in "tooning out the news" contributor, weijia jiang. thank you for joining us. >> great to be with you, kylie. hello to everybody. >> hello. >> what was the key to the biden administration turning unexpectedly strong performance? was it a mistake for republicans to nominate one candidate for each disorder in the dsm 5.
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>> reporter: the white house said from the very beginning this is not a referendum on president biden. they've been trying to really paint a picture of what would happen if republicans took control. to your point, this is now a divided congress. it's not only about not being able to achieve the rest of the items on the president's agenda but really protecting what he has already done. but to your point, james, it really depends on what happens in the senate. in fact, president biden himself has already said if republicans take control of both the house and the senate, it is going to be a, quote, horrible two years. >> look, it was a great night for republicans. elon musk brought us home with his tweet to vote republican and his influence will grow as all the babies he fathered with his employees start reaching voting age. >> now, let's focus in on the battle for the senate. all eyes were on pennsylvania, where democratic candidate and guy who 23 and me came back
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henchman john fetterman defeated republican candidate dr. mehmet oz. >> dr. oz hurt by voters who bought his super max sleep supplements and slept through the election. >> that result along with voter repudiation of maga republicans has trump issuing a mea culpa. maggie haberman tweets trump is indeed furious this morning, particularly about mehmet oz and is blaming everyone who advised him to back oz. including his wife, describing it as not her best decision, according to people close to him. now, weijia, are republicans learning that there just might be a political cost to nominating amoral freaks? >> republicans felt very confident about where they were going in these midterms for quite a while now. that's because they really attacked the one thing that is on everybody's minds regardless of whether you are republican or democrat. and that is the economy and inflation. of course, this administration
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tried to point out that they are facing global head winds. that this is a historic pandemic that they're trying to recover from and that the president's policies will make things better because, you know, a lot of the measures have yet to kick in. >> i'm sorry, but i maintain that the number one thing voters ask themselves before pulling that lever is, do i trust this person to savagely attack joe biden and his family? >> honestly, i don't have a damn clue what's going on. tim ryan can't pull up a resounding victory. >> for more on that dramatic georgia senate race, let's go to james smartwood jr. at the herschel walker for senate headquarters. herschel walker fell short on election night. will he change course for the runoff election? >> reporter: the campaign has been shocked the number of embarrassing headlines increased so too did the support for republican story of redemption. they're taking that strategy and running with it. >> how so, junior? >> reporter: walker is considering a number of scandals to go public with including up until last year he believed his
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name was her man. when his football took a time-out the time froze and when someone says the word head, oh, right, that thing you hold a gun to. >> wow. we want to follow up on that. thank you, junior. >> thank you. let's turn now to the battle for the house of representatives. america will witness a rare battering ram-free influx of trump supporters to the capitol building this january. now, weijia, what will republicans do with house control besides install an i max screen for broadcasting hunter biden's news. >> reporter: they promised a flurry of investigations, including one into hunter biden and his business dealings. and everything from the origins of the pandemic and how dr. fauci, they claim, played a role in making decisions about funding and the withdrawal in afghanistan. and so, they have already said they plan to investigate and even try to impeach president biden. >> no word yet on how quickly
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the capitol metal detecter will be reprogrammed to instead detect traces of jewish heritage. let's throw it over to ted jaworski at the big board. what explains these results? >> thanks, james. let's look what's happening in virginia which really encapsulate the election results across the country. >> oh, man, i love this dorky loser stuff. >> me, too. it's so charming to see how excited he gets about math. it's clearly his whole life. >> it's actually not my whole life. i just do it because it's the only way to understand what's actually happening. otherwise it's just overpaid analysts talking completely unmoored from anything real. >> look at him defending math. >> yeah. math is like, my hero. >> oh, maybe i should do what you all do. i have zero evidence to back this up. but i think voters wanted to hear a stronger message from democrats on crime. >> you know what i bet would make you feel better, ted, telling us what's happening on the big board. >> big board. big board. big board. big board.
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give me that big board. >> big board. >> sorry. we'll be checking in with ted at the big board throughout the night. >> i'll be here. snacks. oh, man, snacks are here. let's take a break. >> thanks for "tooning out the news" contributor weijia jiang. thank you so much. >> thank you, guys. when we return, democratic congressman row can khan that and kerry lake trying to score a contributor contract. that's ahead.
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it's pretty unbelievable. problem is, not everyone's fully living in it. nobody should have to take a class or fill out a medical form on public wifi with a screen the size of your hand. home internet shouldn't be a luxury. everyone should have it and now a lot more people can. so let's go. the digital age is waiting.
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kerry lake trying to score a contributor contract. that's ahead. lift. sit back and relax and pre-dial 911 just in case. welcome back. over the break, dr. oz said he would have won had he focussed on his core message of yee that testicles. tion of hee- >> the house will be likely be controlled by republicans still reeling from voters that saying calling up the national guard to spoke woke little mermaid is not their top issue. >> here to plot the house forward for democratics is ro
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khanna. >> thank you, james. glad to be back on the show. >> now, congressman, what is your message to fellow democrats staring down two years of republicans naming post offices after paul pelosi's attacker? >> look, we had a pretty good night yesterday. we defied expectations. and i think it shows that there are a lot of people who still don't want crazy in this country. and that's why we did well. and i am confident the president will get re-elected. we're going to continue to build on the gains we had last night. >> how do you think the democrats potentially lose these seats considering they're bullet proof message of we must preserve our hallow, fraudulent democracy? >> well, i think look, gas is 5 bucks. bacon costs almost 10 bucks. >> the prices are too high! >> usually parties lose a lot more seats than we did, that the senate, you know, may have a runoff. you've got our house.
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yeah, we had losses, but they're not nearly what people were predicting with the republican pollsters. so, i actually think yesterday was a pretty good night for democrats. >> hey, i'm just excited to stop pretending to care about gas prices and go back to admitting i run to work everyday barefoot on all fours. >> well, i was hoping that all the police officers joe biden hired would beat down milk prices with the phone book. >> congressman, according to recent fec filings you paid $52,500 to melinda erins who worked on hillary clinton's 2016 campaign and $16,000 to shannon jackson who served as a senior adviser on bern sni sanders to 20 and 2016 presidential campaigns. what's the question i could ask you to get you to admit you're absolutely running for president? >> well, melinda is someone who helped us with a lot of the climate issues. and i'm going to support joe biden in 2024. >> uh-huh. >> and i expect president biden
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is going to be announcing soon. >> uh-huh. >> uh-huh, the climate issues. >> but you know, i love melinda. shannon is great, too. >> uh-huh. >> shannon is great. melinda is terrific. >> they're so great. >> and i hope to be out there for the president. but look -- >> sure. of course. >> president had a very good night last night. these are some of the smallest midterm losses for an incumbent president. let's see if donald trump still runs after he sees that dr. oz didn't do quite as well as he thought and some of his candidates didn't do as well as he thought. >> uh-huh. >> but joe biden i think is going to win re-election when he runs. >> sure. >> unfortunately for the congressman, it's absolutely disqualifying to exhibit the death wish that comes with getting between pete buttigieg and the presidency. >> you know, i believe congressman khanna has what it takes to win the nomination which is convincing jim clyburn and the democratic establishment to rig it for him. >> i might run for president. i might have to talk to my wife
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connie and two kids to make sure they're on board with their daddy winning. >> you don't have those. >> a lot can happen between now and the iowa caucuses. >> we have to pause it there. sorry we didn't get ahead to beto o'rourke. >> thank you to our analysts and congressman ro khanna. thank you, congressman. >> thank you. thank you for having me on. when we return, hot takes austin sparks gets both sides of the abortion issue by talking to a group of pro-life activists living embodiment for the need for abortion on demand. >> reporter: "tooning out the news" podcast is available thursdays wherever you get your [ laughter ] time to steal christmas. these bad men, they're all on my naughty list.
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all in one shampoo. you have depression. welcome back to our special coverage of the midterm election, the tough issue on many voter's minds besides rising price of military grade tactical gear necessary to get past armed poll watchers has been abortion. >> to learn more about how the anti-abortion movement approached this election, we asked our own austin sparks to investigate. austin? >> that's right. i gathered diverse group of abortion thought leaders to engage in a fertile discuss about policing women's fertility. take a look. everyone here today considers themselves pro-life. though we each arrived at that position in different ways. let's go around and in a sentence or two please say why of all the issues that have nothing to do with you you chose this one. >> oh, i just value the life of the unborn babies.
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i mean, if you look at some pictures, you can see that they're human beings and growth. >> conservative christian pastor with a marriage and family advocacy, we support all issues of life, whether it's abortion or any other thing that we have out there. >> well, i was born into it. my dad joe was a major pro-life leader for many decades, but it was really when i became the father of six daughters that this became a very personal issue for me. >> those unborn children don't have a voice. and i feel like, you know, i'm obligated as a christian, you know, to speak for them. >> and to speak for the women. and what do you think should be the law on abortion? obviously it's a simple issue, so a simple answer would be great. >> no abortion for any reason. and we can get caught in the weeds in the exceptions, but yeah, no abortion. >> i think the law of abortion is that the majority should be banned and like i said, you get a heart beat after i think it's four weeks. >> good guesstimate.
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now if a woman breaks the law, what should be the consequence? and no one take my answer which is 20 years to life in a lady sized bird cage. jerry, how about you go? >> this is where i think we get tripped up a lot, oh wow. that's where it becomes real for a lot of people. >> let's keep it hypothetical. >> when you get down to it, they're taking the life of an innocent child. and it probably should be a severe penalty for that. >> there's so many other ways to make sure that you don't get pregnant. so i absolutely think not only is it murder, i think it's a form of child sacrifice. i'll go further. >> women are the instruments of satan. now we're having a conversation. let's talk about the pro-life republican georgia senate candidate herschel walker who allegedly forced women to have abortions. does that make you doubt his commitment to the cause or does the fact that he still made the healthcare choice for the woman make it okay? >> we don't know what the truth is behind herschel walker's personal life and we know he's been through many different phases, struggled with mental
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illness. the end of the day voters in georgia, what policies are these guys going to advocate for? that's where it will affect your life, not the private lives of these politicians but policy. >> we shouldn't care what people do in their personal lives when it comes to herschel walker and herschel walker only. now we'll move on to a separate section. roe v. wade overturned many women will find it harder to access abortion care. let's look at these questions. first one. >> hi, my name is jenny. i'm 12 years old. so it's hard to afford food for a baby. what's a good job for kids? >> pretty good question. what do we think? scott, how about you? >> i would say that food is very cheap and there's help not just from you but your neighbors and your community, churches, even government programs. the u.s. has a lot of things available. >> okay. let's go on to the second one. >> hi, my name is sara. i'm 13 years old and on the swim
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team. while i'm at practice, could i let the baby hang out in the water? >> it is tough to juggle your passions with family responsibilities. how should she handle this? >> she needs to seek out a support system or the people that love that little girl need to help her seek out a support system. whether that's her parents or grandparents or siblings. you know, a local church or a loving group. i think that's the solution. >> absolutely, yeah. fingers crossed. let's go to the third question. >> hi, i'm ally. my mom won't let me get a dog because she says i'm irresponsible. do you think raising a baby will prove to her i'm ready for a puppy? >> now i think that would do it. let's go to the fourth question. >> after experience of being forced to carry a child to term, what is a feel good movie to cheer me up? keep in mind, i can't watch movies rated r. >> it's a rainy afternoon, what movie do you throw on, jerry? >> oh, wow.
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the only thing that's coming to my mind, sleepless in seattle i have no clue why. >> weirdly, sleepless in seattle for me as well. now, let's go to the fifth one. >> if my doctor says that my age could be fatal. how do i explain to him that i've had a good run? >> it's a tough conversation. how should she approach that con voe with the doctor, eric? >> the human body is capable of tremendous things as long as we're willing to embrace the beauty of reproduction and how things work when we don't intervene with surgical instruments and suction tubes [ bleep ]. >> that sound means it's time for the lightning round. these will be quicker questions. i will come to you individually. and away we go. darren, does life begin at conception? >> it does. >> fantastic. eric, what do you hate most about fetal hydro thorax? >> you know, you can take your pick on that. >> all right. moving on.
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scott, would you allow an abortion in a stage 5 twin sequence? >> in english, please? >> would you allow an abortion in a liden stage 5 twin anemia sequence? >> still not english. >> okay. just a taps complication, would you allow abortion? >> i still don't know what that is. >> whoa. darren, is every fetus a life worth protecting? >> absolutely. >> nice. jerry, in the case of a selective intrauterine growth restriction, should the cotwin be held responsible for the death of the growth restricted twin or just the doctor and the mother for ordering the laser ablags or cord occlusion and this is a two parter. should an abortion be aloud if a fetus needs surge for a lower urinary tract obstruction and the mother can't afford the ambulance to transport her from the regular hospital with one with a neonatal center?
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>> i think i would go with we probably should plan for no abortions for any reason. >> and that's all the time we have for the lightning round. thank you all so much for your time and insight. >> austin, i couldn't tell you how to raise the sales on a slave ship, butky tell you operating a slave ship is the bad thing to do. we don't need to have cogent moral positions on abortions. >> thanks for that, austin. incredible work telling the difference between jerry and darren. >> any time, kylie. now coming up with the 2022 midterm election now a distant memory, we look ahead to 2024. >> stick around. ♪ >> announcer: follow "tooning out the news" on facebook, twitter, instagram and tiktok for exclusive content.
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the best result possible. ♪ call one eight hundred, eight million ♪ welcome back. now to the 2022 midterm election is winding down, it's tempting for us in the news media out of a vulgar need for conflict and gossip to immediately move on to 2024 election coverage. >> but obviously we cannot do that. it would be a brazen disregard of our sacred responsibilities as journalists. >> that's right. >> exactly.
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>> we all agree. >> it's like the news equivalent of hard core pornography. >> exactly. >> yes. >> yeah. >> well, it wouldn't hurt to just chat about 2024 a little, right? >> kylie, come on. it's not for another 727 days exactly. >> you're right. of course. >> screw it. let's go! ♪ >> whoa! >> yes, yes! >> let's see all those potential candidates. oh my god. >> look at them all. >> i'm so happy. >> i'm a news god! >> it's all bernie's fault. >> what's bernie's fault? >> i don't know! >> yeah. >> quiet, quiet. look, look and in a day there are serious issues at stake, so let's act like it. okay? okay? oh my god, what do you think liz
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