america. and thank you, kathleen sebelius. ladies and gentlemen. the president. good evening, ladies. gentlemen. president page, president elect,

ellen, distinguished guest. i am happy to be here to happy to be reunited at long last with the white house press corps. if may, let me direct your attention to a photograph. taken just moments. it proves beyond a doubt that i am indeed happy to be here. now, wait a minute. it seems that my hair in that photo photo is a little longer than it is tonight tonight. so maybe i am happy to be here and maybe i'm feel free to

speculate. admittedly looks and photos can be deceiving. now look at this photo. it's a recent one of the vice president applauding one of my policy initiatives. but look, a little closer. those are not his real hands. now, this photo. it made all the papers. but i have to tell you something. i am almost certain this is not the real easter bunny. the next one is my favorite. i really like it. let's see the next photo. oh. isn't it grand.

oh. i thought it was too good to be true true. but there is one thing beyond dispute tonight. this is really. i am really here. and the record on that count is clear. and good days and bad times of great confidence are great controversy. i have actually shown here for eight straight years. looking back. that was probably a mistake. in just eight years. i've given you an material for

20 years. this is a special night for. me, for a lot of reasons. jay leno's here. now. no matter how mean he is to me, i just love this guy. because together, together, we give hope to gray haired, chunky baby boomers. everywhere. tonight marks the end of an era. the after dinner party hosted by vanity fair. as you may have heard, it's been canceled every year, eight years. the vanity fair party became, more and more and more exclusive. so tonight, it has arrived at

its inevitable conclusion this year, no one made the guest list. actually, i hear the bloomberg will be even harder to get into than vanity fair party was. but i'm not worried. i'm with janet reno. now. the bloomberg party is also a cast party for the stars of the west wing who are celebrating the end of their first season. you'll have to forgive me if i'm not as excited as everyone else is at the thought of a west wing finale party. but i got to give them credit. their first season got a lot better ratings in mind and not to mention the reviews. the critics just hated my travel office episode and and that

david gergen cameo fell completely flat flat. speaking of real drama, i'm so glad it senator mccain is back tonight. i welcome him, especially as a as you all. as you all know, he just made a difficult journey back to a place where he endured unspeakable abuse at the hands of his oppressors. the senate republican caucus. i. i am glad to see that senator mccain, governor bush, are talking about healing their rift. actually, there. thinking about talking about healing their rift.

and, you know, i would really like to help them. i mean, got a lot of experience repairing the breach. i worked catholics and protestants in northern ireland. i've worked with israelis and palestinians, with joe lockhart and david westin. but the difference is bush and mccain may be just too vast. i mccain is bush's running mate. hasn't a man suffered enough. all right. we look. george w bush has got a brand spanking new campaign strategy. he's moving towards the political center, distancing himself from his own stealing ideas from the other party. i'm so glad -- morris has

finally found work again. i. you know, the clock is running down on the republicans in, too. i feel for them. i do think they've only got seven more months to investigate me. that's a lot of pressure. so little time. so many unanswered questions. for example, over the last few months, i've lost 10 pounds. where did they go. why? i produced them to the independent. how did some of them manage to wind up on tim russert russert.

now, some of you might think i've been busy writing my memoirs. i'm not concerned about my memoirs. i'm concerned about my resume. here's what i've got so far. career, objective to stay president. but being realistic would consider an executive position with another. of course, i'd prefer to stay. within the g-8. i'm working hard on this resume deal. i've been getting a lot of tips on how to write it, mostly from staff. they really seem to be up on this stuff and they tell me i have to use the active voice with the resume. you know, things like commanded

u.s. armed forces, ordered air strikes, served three terms as president. everybody embellishes a little. design built and painted the 21st century. supervised vice president's invention of the internet. generated, attracted, heightened and maintained controversy. now, i know lately i haven't done a very good at creating controversy, and i'm for that. you all have so much less report. i guess that's why you're covering and commenting on my

mood. my quiet contemplative moments, my feel during these final months in office. in that case you might be interested to know that a film crew has been following me around the white house, documenting my remaining time there. this is a strange time in the life of any administration, but i think short film will show that i have come terms with it. could we see the film. about what the vice president and the first lady out on the campaign trail? things aren't as exciting as they used to be around here. in fact, it's really starting to wind down. there's bipartisan support for it in congress and it meets the principles set out in my state of the union. if they send me the bill and its present form, i will. it. okay.

any questions questions. helen? are you still here. for. radio? doesn't capture the sadness the isolation of it all. so i've just stopped reporting it. joe wanted a three. anybody home? there's no one in the. john. maria so set him up. joe. i got a little story. what am i going to ask the guy? i mean, i have to ask him. i profess, but he's yesterday's news. who's next? drinking mud low. white house. oh.

hello, white house. please hold. hello? white house. white house. hello. please. please hold me. no, mr. podesta is not here now. would you? his voicemail. i feel bad for him. it looks like he has nothing to do. i'm a little bit worried about him. this morning, for example, he came into the oval office for meeting. and i said, mr. president, everything all right? and he said, yeah, the matter. and i said, mr. president, you're wearing your pajama bottoms. i really have nothing to say about that. i wish i could be here, but i really think bill has everything under control right through the white. white. well, i think legacy is going to be the natural environment

improving the greenspaces of our country. but you've got. i've urged him spend more time on that. the president's schedule is just as busy as ever. he's just doing different things. one more for for. you. never know it, but putting on a kind tone and i got a lot. i'd like to say and when i'm gloomy won't listen to. i feel bad for him. i wish there was something that would cheer him up.

yes, i know you are. come on. all right, mr. pete. ready to start showing him? okay, let's like this candle. i want to see it. yay! yay! yay! yay! just like that. you're right. the wave of the future, my man. what do you feel? buying. i want to buy small town. excellent choice. right. you're there. you're almost, are you? how many are you gonna. wait, wait a minute. what's the problem? little. what does it cost? name your own price. my. oh, well, we're just talking for one hour. let's do. yahtzee. all right, you did it, my man.

the high. you suck my battleship. yes. i want to thank academy for this tremendous honor. this may be the greatest moment of my life. i mean, ever since i was a little boy. i've wanted to be a real actor.

no sleep. your mother. your father. sweet girl. i want. you. oh.

you like me. you really like me. now you know. i may complain coming here. but a year from now, i'll have to watch someone else give the speech. and i'll feel onset of that rare affliction. unique to former presidents. agdal. attention getting deficit. plus which are be burned up when al gore turns out be funnier than me.

but let me say to all of. i have loved these eight years. you know, i read in the history books how other presidents say the white house is like a penitentiary in a. every motive they have suspect even george washington complained was treated like a common thief. and they all say can't get away, can't wait to get away. i don't know what the heck they're talking about. i i've had a wonderful time. it's been an honor to serve and find a laugh. i only wish that we'd even laugh more these last years because power is not the most important thing in life and only counts for what you use. it i thank for what you do every day. thank you for all the fun times that hillary and i have had. keep at it. it's a great country. it deserves our best. thank you. and bless you.

ladies, gentlemen, we have had one toast every year at this, so i'd ask you to. to raise your glass to the president of united states, george w bush bush. mr. president.