tv The Greg Gutfeld Show FOX News May 31, 2015 10:00pm-11:01pm PDT
hiding beneath the surface of his charismatic charm is a desperate young man who survives long enough to become a legend of the real west. i'm greg gutfeld. i have a brand-new show on the fox news channel tonight right now. one of the great things about becoming a host, you get to join the host club. it's totally exclusive. nobody knows about it. i'm finally a member. i'm joining -- i didn't even know where it was until now. and here it is. let's check it out. i'm excited. hello! hello! >> all right. >> all right, all right. >> what do you want? >> all right. i like this. >> i can do it. >> this is where you guys all hang out? >> dude, this is for hosts only, man. >> i have a new show. i'm actually a host now. i have my own show. >> no way. >> you know what, you should just get the [ bleep ] out of
here. the door's right there. >> exit sign, right there. >> yeah. see you later, shorty. >> good luck. >> is he still talking? is he still standing there? they're going to give this dude a show? >> that's what they said. >> not happening. >> one year away, but you would think it's tomorrow. less than six months away. >> 11 weeks away. >> two months away. >> 27 days from now. >> exactly one week to go. >> 24 hours from now. >> all comes down to tomorrow. >> and none of his peers have seen fit to be a little bit ashamed? >> when he talks about himself -- >> absolutely despicable. >> i firmly believe that. >> he's one of the most insufferable people. >> i think he's a jerk, but i have no reason to believe he's a racist. >> i'm greg gutfeld. welcome to my new desk. and thanks for not watching csi.
it's a rerun. tonight's topic, evil. evil is bad. but how bad? to the pi chart. four ingredients, depravity, self-interest, cruelty, and coconut water. add coconut water, canada becomes france, quebec. in a poll of liberals, 100% said conservatives is evil. among conservatives, 100% said liberals. the point, today it's easier to call each other evil for it eliminates the pain of debate. everyone is now evil. look at hillary clinton. >> 53% say she's not honest and trustworthy, as new details spill out about the clinton foundation. politico reporting sidney blumenthal gave secretary clinton unsolicited advice on
libya. >> hillary rodham clinton, how evil is she? please. hillary, seven letters, rodham, six letters, clinton, seven letters. 767. remember that. the u.s. code title 18, chapter 101, addresses crimes related to e-mail records which could be used to criminally charge hillary rodham clinton. 767. chapter 101. 767 minus 101, 666. the mark of the beast. satan 666. that's three 6s. 36, 36. hillary was 36 in 1983. the same year that kiss first appeared in public without makeup. kiss, k-i-s-s. today's may 31st. the fifth month, 5-31, together
that's 36. 3 plus 6 -- >> mine, mine, mine, mine! >> look at me, greg gregory john gutfeld, 7 letters, 4 letters, 7 letters, that's 18. 18. russ wheeler was number 18 in the film days of thunder. he almost killed cole trickle. that, friends, is evil. see, we can find evil in anything and everything. which means we must prioritize real evil instead. first evil, isis. this week they killed 400 women and children in syria, just for kicks. earlier, they incinerated a woman for not agreeing to her own rape. on an evil rating, one being
zero like a singing cricket to 100 a mass beheading, let's agree that isis hits the jackpot. clearly that's worse than not baking a cake for days. torching a girl is a true war on women. unless you see it as the next renewable fuel. speaking of, number two, climate change. the topic of many college commencements, even for our president. >> i'm here today to say that climate change constitutes a serious threat to global security. an immediate risk to our national security. and make no mistake, it will impact how our military defends our country. so we need to act. and we need to act now. >> what's missing? context. is this the hottest in history? even with this 17-year pause? or have we been down this road before? before there were suvs. we can all agree, climate change is, but what can be done beyond demonizing the brethren who
happen to be scientists, too. global warming is 15 on the evil scale. on men, sandals and pelicans. here's what's worse than global warming. unclean drinking water, poor sanitation, impure heating fuel, poverty, lack of basic health care, lack of education, and of course, this. ♪ >> what is wrong with america. these are real world problems. which could be solved with the billions devoted to chasing a sliver of celsius. so number three. racism. it's safe to say it's evil. that's why i don't watch hockey, it's too white, and why i don't watch the nba, it's too tall. racism is depending on the
victim. discriminate against blacks, you're done. discriminate against asians, ho-hum. unfair admissions practices, claiming the quota system harms them. did you hear about it? no. because they're asians. we rarely see a mass asian protest. well, except here. it's short. racism is evil. but some is more evil than others. perhaps because blacks got it worse. slavery, jim crow, dismissing these past sins is wrong, and evil. but so is using it to sow division. this conflict is as old as thomas jefferson. he wrote the declaration of independence. he's so two-faced, his head
should have been on both sides of the nickel. what made this country the best ever is still present, even with our past blunders. sadly, the programs used to remedy such sins haven't helped much. the left and right make mistakes, but the progressive solutions are disastrous. maybe it's time the left let the right help. at this point can it get any worse? i say enough division. remember when you loved the steelers and i loved the raiders and we both hated comeis? can't we do that with isis? sadly the world's changed. ideologies are team sport now. identity is the new patriotism. it's no longer who's wrong, but who's evil. maybe it's time for some forgiveness. let's stop attacking intent and instead go after judgment. i could be right, but i could be wrong, too. but evil, that's just silly. 's. >> i'm excited, it's time to go to our liberal panel for a partisan debate on the problems
of division. liberal panel, it's good to see you. >> great to be here. congratulations on your new show. >> i appreciate it. thank you. the new divisive atmosphere seems to be getting worse. but i have to say, i think it's the liberals soaking it. >> isn't that divisive? you just said something very, very divisive. >> yes, you're right. i did. >> we agree. >> but the point is, i want this divisiveness to end, but it's the left that keeps stoking it. i'm asking the left to stop. that's not being divisive. i'm extending the hand. >> one hand is stoking it? you know what's worse than kiss without makeup? you know what's worse than pelicans? no planet. >> oh, really? that's how you see this? suddenly because of a slight degree of increase in celsius, the planet's going to implode? >> it's more than a slight degree. it happens over time. and that's what's really going to be the bigger problem overall. racism, yes. all those problems are evil. no planet, bigger evil. >> so you're saying the planet,
based on computer models, is far more harmful, the destruction of the planet, than isis which is currently beheading hundreds of people, killing and raping, but the projected climate models which have been wrong every time, that's telling you it's more dangerous? >> longtime evil, no planet. call science. >> please, don't use the science card on me. i've been reading all the studies on climate change. i'll tell you right now, we're going on 17 years of a pause. do you understand that? >> a pause? >> yes. >> this is the longest, hottest decade in history. >> not in history. no. you're saying recorded. >> it is. >> no. you know it was hotter before we even had cars. >> there's no proof of that. >> oh, really? >> in fact it's climate scientists making these assertions, not scientists who have nothing to do with the climate. >> oh, please. i'm sure you'll bring up the 97% that they all agree. i don't want to talk about that. because i'm tired of your wooden
portrayal of leftism. how about this. hillary clinton, she's creating more division than any candidate by demanding that all women vote for women. >> i don't recall her saying that. but many people on the left like bernie sanders. >> why? >> bernie? >> why? >> no wall street. >> who relies on capitalism. he's selling t-shirts on his website so he can run his campaign. >> you're against capitalism? >> i'm against you and bernie sanders. you both have termites. >> he's not a wall. i am. >> go away. now for the mandatory social media promotions. i'm contractually bound to tell you to follow the show on something called twitter @greg gutfeld show. there's a predictable place. and to like the greg gutfeld show page on facebook, whatever that means. charles kuralt never had to do this. we find national review reporter
katherine. our op-ed for tonight, to see how we do, and she'll correct us later on. how is it going so far? any thoughts or observations? >> very weird. did you say a singing cricket is zero on the evil scale? like jim i any cricket? >> yes. >> you're picking this top hat thing for a sign of pure gdness? you could have picked anything? >> jiminey cricket? >> he's a talking insect. i see you have the fake cartoon glasses, i see. >> my glasses are real. look, they're right here. >> yes. take them off, please. >> are you sure? >> no, leave them on. all right. >> i don't think people will like me without them. >> clearly that's why. it's a self-esteem issue. see you later in the show. as you know, the republican presidential candidate field has grown dramatically in the last
week. at last count 19 candidates vying for the nomination. let's take a look at what some of the presidential hopefuls have on deck. the tough questions facing the candidates on the 2016 campaign trail. >> coming up this week on the campaign trail 2016. mike huckabee rallies support in the heartland. is he planning on financing his run by selling his g.i. joe with the kung fu grip? >> i've still got it. it's in mint condition. >> meanwhile, hillary clinton meets potential voters in iowa. but is she considering changing her official title to evil lord supreme galaxy commander? >> i might. i'll have to ponder it. i will put it on my list. for due consideration. >> marco rubio will take a break from the trail to extend an advanced screening of "star wars."
should he have to wait until december like the rest of us? >> some suggest i should step aside and wait my turn. but i cannot. god bless you. god bless the united states! >> finally, rand paul fires up his base. but when will he admit unicorns are awesome? >> not now, not ever. >> until next week on the campaign trail 2016. >> a little breaking news. while that package was running, 25 more candidates have joined the republican race, including actor billy zane, who is an american treasure. former san francisco shortstop johnny le master. michael anthony, formerly of van hal halen. and now it's time to take a break. if you leave now, there's nothing i can do about it. so please come back. about it se back. i've got a to-do list and five acres of fresh air.
♪ happiness is a drive-over mower deck. [ male announcer ] that's how we run, and nothing runs like a deere. ♪ and nothing runs like a deere. the powerful tool that shows blyou what should pay.r. it gives you a fair purchase price that's based on what others recently paid for the same new car and kelley blue book's trusted pricing expertise. kbb.com boy: once upon a time, there was a nice house that lived with a family.
one day, it started to rain and rain. water got inside and ruined everybody's everythings. the house thought she let the family down. but the family just didn't think a flood could ever happen. the reality is, floods do happen. protect what matters. get flood insurance. visit floodsmart.gov/flood to learn more.
well, my next guest has had the distinction of being a political pundit on all 608 news canals. channels. his latest book is called politicians, and parasites. the sequel to his autobiography. he stopped by to chat about the book. i got a ton of questions. let's get the first one out of the way. what inspired you to write a sequel in the first place? >> when you write an autobiography at 32, it turns out there's a lot more life to live. >> god, i can't believe i agreed to this segment. i can already tell it's a mistake. he's so boring. tucker this, tucker that, blah, blah, blah. i'm sorry. i got a piece of candy in my pocket. would anybody notice if i eat it? it's a cherry gumdrop.
my favorite. it reminds me of candy land. i haven't played that game in ages. if i played candy land again, i would play it with rob o'neil. tucker, shut up. he's still talking. do i just let him keep going? whatever. i'll just daydream until he stops. [ clock ticking ] >> it's your move. >> another blue. >> i get an ice cream cone. >> that is so wrong. this is going to take forever. aha! double red! that's a winner. i beat the guy who killed bin laden. >> well played, sir.
>> thank you, sir. and thank you for your service. what is your life like after this happened? how has your life changed? >> it's been different. because i get recognized a lot more places. and i was very concerned about that initially. how would it be. it's been overwhelmingly positive. the best story that i haven't told yet, i had a woman in front of me in line staring at me. she elbowed her daughter. the daughter looked at me and said we have a test about you on monday. i said, a test? what do you mean? she said, current events class. we have a test about you. i said, do you have a pen and paper? she said yeah. i said what's your name? she said victoria. i said please give victoria an "a." i signed it. she said what do we do now? i say we take a selfie. what do i say to my teacher? tell her you took the assignment so seriously you found me. weird like that. i get a lot of people coming up saying thank you. so it's worth it. >> i followed up with victoria as well. they didn't believe her. and now she's actually --
>> the selfie wasn't of me, it was brad pitt. >> exactly. now that you bring that up. if they were making a movie, which i think at some point they'll be making another movie, who would you like to play you? i have some options. >> i have one, too. and i bet he's on your list. >> who? >> jake busey. >> but you don't look as mentally ill. >> yeah, my dad's not as either. >> he has that weird hereditary wild-eyed insanity look. i was thinking more of a young ron howard. you look a little bit like ron howard. maybe clint howard. have you seen his other brother? >> no. how about cuba going jr.? what would you do with isis? >> i would make sure all these players were u.s. marines. i would send them off on a big navy ship. let the marines get off.
and handle isis in a day and a half. and i would try to work on a foreign policy with the rest of the unicorns and bobbleheads. we don't realize even though it is candy land, it's 2015, and there's no sense in murdering each other just because we don't believe in the same thing. >> when you killed bin laden, it was called neptune spear. who gets to name these? >> i don't know. but they come up with good ones every now and then. >> unicorn girdle, like tightening the noose around a flabby unicorn. operation pegasus chaps. chaps are the pants without the back. and operation gutfeld. >> that sounds good. >> you can use that whenever you want. i think that would work. rob, i have an idea of how the bin laden raid went down. there are probably people who don't. and i was thinking we don't have much of a budget. if you could show us exactly what went down that night, using the candy land game board.
we didn't have enough pieces to create the entire scenario. so i have some unicorns. those are the helicopters. over here, the game pieces, those are the brave heroic s.e.a.l.s who did the job. this is bin laden back here. what happened? >> we start with the spin first. and then once we did, i think they would come in here and he would go like that. >> the helicopter went down. >> right. and then would go up the stairs like this. and split off there. and then he would tackle them. a little cherry thing here ends up there. >> that's you. and by the way, this is bin laden. we couldn't find a bin laden doll so we used walter white. rob, this has been incredibly instructional. and entertaining. but i would assume that this constitutes some kind of evidence that we should get rid of. >> absolutely. >> should we burn this? >> this is one of the things i learned in writing it.
it's very hard to stop people. >> wow, that was really insightful. best of luck with the book. i know it's going to be a big hit. i smell a trilogy. we'll be right back. stick around. i smell a tr hey! i like your ride. i just wanted to let you know... you can save a ton by switching to progressive, just like squirrel here. we offer great discounts, like responsible rider, paid in full, and homeowners. making us number one in motorcycle insurance. isn't this romantic. it was. going the distance to save you more. now, that's progressive.
why am i so awake? did you know your brain has a wake system... and a sleep system? science suggests when you have insomnia, the neurotransmitters in your wake system may be too strong, which may be preventing you from getting the sleep you need. talk to your doctor about ways to manage your insomnia.
something special happens when you come to transunion.com. you get in the know. and when you're in the know about your credit, you feel confident, ready for anything. at transunion.comyou get instant credit alerts to keep you in sync. you can even lock and unlock your transunion report with the swipe of a finger. come to transunion.com. and get in the know. more breaking news about the presidential race. during the commercial break, 25 more candidates have joined.
huge names here in this republican bask. ken wahl, i loved him in wise guy. gordan shumway. his birth certificate could be an issue. helen harris from new jersey. she was told she was entering a raffle for a free carnival cruise. predator. and bacon, who according to a gallup poll is already leading in three states. on thursday, louisiana governor bobby jindal said he plans to sign a law that would soften penalties for pot use. now in the sport of modern discourse, there's usually just two sides. pot legalization, you're either for or against it. right now, i'm for it. because i believe humans must be free to speak their own relief. be it a martini or a joint and government shouldn't decide it for you. i feel the same way about guns, food and musical theater. however, with pot, i realize i may be wrong. way wrong. especially about its effect on society. because i have no idea what the
outcome will be for this country. it's not like i have to worry. i don't have kids and i don't smoke pot so it can't stunt my gru growth. and what's left to stunt. when i was a teen, alcohol had a counterweight found in family, community and religion. which all helped rein in all of our drunks. we knew most men who suddenly showed up to mass just got told by their wives, clean up or move out. church was the suburban aa. but now with family, community and religion in decline, every pothead can indulge a lifestyle of speed bumps. a hazy world of video games, porn, game of thrones bing watching. watching someone else do something while high, that's a breeze. while i think of war on relief, in a painful world only create more pain, i can't be certain. but i do know if you watch the world go by from a sofa, it will
be over before you know it. all right. joining me now is someone who is conflicted as i am. me. greg, good to see you. you look great as always. >> thanks, greg, i've been working out more. i have checked a personal trainer. a super strong guy. he's really refined my technique. >> whatever you're doing, keep doing it, it's paying off big-time. >> i will, greg. can we get to the questions. we have some wearward teens i need to get to urgently. >> as i was saying, i'm for legalization. it could be bad in the long run. do you agree? >> i can understand the conflict, greg. i admire your honesty. that's why you have your own show while many of your peers languish in obscurity. how detrimental to society, legalization could not cause more harm than the war on drugs already has. we have way too many people whose lives were ruined because they were seeking relief from a
cold, brutal world. they just chose a different method from martini and hot yoga. >> your mind is overflowing with a lot of insightful thoughts. >> maybe after the show, we can get together. >> i'd like that. i'd like that, too, greg. i'd like it a lot. >> all right. before we go, that was awesome. a quick update on a story we've been following. earlier this month a family of black bears startled a group of tourists on a bridge in yellowstone national park. sent them running for their lives. the bears ate every last one of them. i'm kidding, the tourists are actually fine. i couldn't help but wonder about the bears. i sent a reporter to find out. our first installment of where are they now. >> tourist chased by bears in yellowstone national park after a mother bear became agitated when some people got too close to her cubs. that was in 2015.
denver barrington and her cubs became instant celebrities after their tourist chasing video went viral. the young ones went on to form the first-ever all boy bear band hibernation. a small tour followed. the success came at a price. following a fight in a vegas nightclub, deborah, who is their manager, voiced her displeasure and was promptly fired. she tried to embark on a solo tour. but at 4 1/2 was told by executives at universal that she was too old for hollywood. a chance encounter with alec baldwin may have led to bigger and better things. the pair is teaming up this fall in hairy situations. the legendary actor was asked how it does with his last movie the edge. >> it's a little edgier. >> reporter: as for the film's surprise ending --
>> a nail biter. >> reporter: this has been a "where are they now." >> congratulations to alec baldwin on his new project, good things for good people. tucker in the neck with an infected umbrella tip. we were below the 88th southern parallel. we had traveled for over 850 miles. my men driven nearly mad from starvation and frostbite. today we make history. >>bienvenidos! welcome to the south pole! if you're dora the explorer, you explore. it's what you do. >>what took you so long? if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. >>you did it, yay!
everything about it would be different. ♪ it would feel different. ♪ look different. and fight cancer in new and different ways. with the largest genetic database on earth that combines 300 years of family histories with health records to treat, predict and in many cases, prevent, cancer. [ huntsman ] we made it welcoming and warm with a focus on beauty, serenity, and getting on with life. [ male announcer ] huntsman cancer institute is the only cancer hospital in the world designed by a patient, with the vital understanding that cancer moves fast. and we have to move faster. to learn more or support the cause, go to huntsmancancer.org. ♪
do you know anybody who knows channing tatum? >> no. why would i know somebody who knows channing tatum? >> you're kind of a celebrity. >> kind of is the operative word. i'm not in the mix. i don't know if you realize that. >> i'm thinking maybe you might run into him at your parties and stuff. >> first of all, i don't go to those parties. second of all, this is fox. you're not going to get anybody that you think -- you know what i mean? >> what do you think i should shoot for then if i'm going to be realistic? dick morris? >> yeah.
>> it's a known fact when people are interviewed on tv they often say dumb things. some people are so dumb, it makes me laugh. and laughing always makes me feel better about myself. that's why we see so many man on the street interviews to help us feel smarter ourselves. i sent jo ann to times square which is known for dummies. harriet tubman replacing andrew jackson on the $20 bill. so jo ann, anything you would like to say before we play the package? >> no. take it away, me. there's nothing more american than women's history and money. we'll find out how much history people here in times square know. probably not a lot. let's find out. people say we need more women on u.s. currency. there have already been three women on coins. do you know who they are? >> yes. that's susan b. anthony.
helen keller. and sacagawea. >> that's very right. great. and who was susan b. anthony? >> she was president of the national american suffrage, women's suffrage association? >> i think that's right, yeah. very lucky guess. very lucky guess. good job, ladies. i personally would love to see a female on the $20 bill. and i'd love for it to be one of our supreme court justicame the? >> ruth bader ginsburg. >> obvious choice. what about the other two? >> sotomayor, i remember. and elana kagan. >> that's right. but what is sotomayor's middle name? >> maria? >> right.
harriet tubman has been chosen to replace andrew jackson on the $20 bill. great choice. but another nominee was wilma mankiller. do you know who that is? >> the best female of the cherokee nation. >> that's right. who is the richest woman in the toward? >> christie walton. >> how much is she worth? >> like around $41.7 billion. >> seriously? how do you know this? who was the first female u.s. treasurer? >> georgia clark. >> you have got to be kidding me. i am thinking of a number between 1 and 10. what is it? >> 3. >> and a color? >> orange. >> oh, gosh! >> so, jo ann -- >> yes. >> what happened there? not only was it wasn't funny, it made us look bad. we were supposed to expose
america's ignorance. and you assured us you could do that. what happened? >> i'd just like to take this moment to apologize not only to you, greg, but to the network. and the viewers. and most importantly, millennials. i kind of let my generation down. with that one. i don't know what happened. i did everything you said. i went on wikipedia. i found the most obscure questions i could find. i didn't even know the answers. then i went up to people holding selfie sticks. because that's like a magnet to the dumb. you know? it was just my unlucky break. but i will never make the same mistake, greg, no. if you keep me on. i hope you do. >> i don't know. >> i'll do better. >> i think we need to send you to someplace dumber. we don't have the budget. >> oh, i'll pay out of pocket. >> they'll send you to d.c. >> d.c. would be better. for me. personally. >> yeah. >> you know, because of -- i
like the cherry blossoms. >> that's good. that's where they are. >> yeah. >> don't take it so hard. >> greg, i just want to say, you're so talented. and forgiving. >> yes. >> and i really like that about you. >> all right. well, that's good to know. >> yeah. >> i'll put that in consideration somewhere. well, joann, while you're wasting america's time with this segment, i'm told more people have decided to run for president. the gop field is now up to, believe it or not, 100 candidates. the latest additions include the oakland a's outfielder coco crisp. he could win on his name alone. alpaca, a very underrated animal, i might add. a pack of killer bees. and an old commedore '64 computer. i could see that being a very trendy pick. last, but not least, the seattle space needle has entered the race. it's a very large needle, tucker. what do you think? >> it's sharp. >> it is sharp.
it's a very sharp needle. i wouldn't want to fall on that. >> no. >> i tend to fall op sharp things. if you can ask any local emergency room. we've got to take a break. up next, our op-ed, katherine tells us what we got wrong. you have exactly 3 minutes and 40 seconds to go make me a sandwich. sandwich. who does this kinda thing online? i-i-i clicked on some links, ugh the kids weren't even home. wait, wait, wait, this changes everything.
it's cars.com service & repair feature. so we'll never pay more than we should. well done. research, price, find. get the right service without all the drama. yourfull of advice.lways usually bad. so when ron said you'd never afford a john deere tractor, you knew better. the e series. legendary quality. unexpected low price.
welcome back to my show. let's find out how the guests did. and how i did tonight. let's go to tonight's op-ed. national review reporter katherine pimf, who needs a vowel. now she'll assess exactly how many things i got right and how many things everyone else got wrong. isn't that right, katie? >> no. first of all, i've been going through all your mess, and the hillary is evil stuff. it turns out that it's not math. >> then what is it? it was numbered? >> also you said that kiss went out into public without makeup for the first time in 1936. not true. they weren't alive. >> it was 1986. >> also, when is going to be the first time that you go out into public without makeup on? >> you're changing the subject. you were wrong. i said 1986.
i'm busting you. >> no, you're not. >> you made a mistake. move on. >> i don't make mistakes. joann, if you wanted people to not know the answers, you should have asked harder questions. >> i thought they were hard. >> the only easier question would have been if you asked about women's basketball trivia. you know? that would be the only easier thing i could think of. you picked the second easiest thing. >> you're right. >> tucker, you said you laughed, you cried, you experienced the full emotional range? >> yeah, for the first time. >> that is not the full emotional range. >> there was stuff in between there. >> there's also the laugh, you cried so hard you laughed. the being not mad, being disappointed, just mad. those are just the ones i've had today. >> it was guilt and shame. all of them were in there for sure. >> yes. greg, you got a lot wrong on the pothead stuff.
>> explain to me what i got wrong. i'd love to hear it. >> well, you are not really considering all the ways that potheads are contributing to the economy. >> well, why don't you give me some examples. >> snacks, bob marley posters, infinity tattoos, visine, urban outfitters would go out of business completely. what about the fast food industry? >> you know, there's a lot of non-potheads that use the fast food industry, too. >> i don't know about that. also, you saying that it's detrimental and makes people -- it looks like liberal internet's not too happy with that. i see some headlines. fox news host, drugs are the reason all four people are poor. >> yes. >> that's going to be a little rough. you might, i don't know. so, yeah, but then seriously, go out into public without makeup. >> i do all the time. i actually look better without makeup. >> i understand. the last time i did it, some kid looked at his dad and asked him
if i had ebola. you have to do tough things sometimes. >> how did the first show go so far. comparing it to the other firsts, like the first "star wars" and old testament? >> i've never seen "star wars" or read the old testament. >> so you're the best. >> thanks, joann. >> b-minus. >> okay. well, that's all right with me. all right, katherine, joann and tucker. thank you for being on this very first show. but it's not over! because for you at home, i have something to say after the break. but first, let's go to our live traffic cam outside the studio. it's really a madhouse. a lot of people trying to get in to see the show tonight. they couldn't make it. but it's a great time for us. the buzz about the show is really building. joann, if you noticed, they got rid of the traffic light so it would flow even better. clearly it makes things smoother. smoother.ta
i hate cleaning the gutters. have you touched the stuff? it's evil. and ladders... awwwwwww!!!!! they have all those warnings on them. might as well say, "you're going to die, jeff". you hired someone to clean the gutters? not just someone. someone from angie's list. but we're not members. we don't have to be to use their new snapfix feature. angie's list helped me find a highly rated service provider to do the work at a fair price. come see what the new angie's list can do for you.
boy: once upon a time, there was a nice house that lived with a family. one day, it started to rain and rain. water got inside and ruined everybody's everythings. the house thought she let the family down. but the family just didn't think a flood could ever happen. the reality is, floods do happen. protect what matters. call the number on your screen or visit the website to learn more.
and i quit smoking iwith chantix. i told myself for so long that i needed to quit smoking. i would quit then i'd go right back to it. chantix absolutely helped me quit smoking. along with support, chantix (varenicline) is proven to help people quit smoking. chantix helped reduce my urge to smoke. some people had changes in behavior, thinking or mood, hostility, agitation, depressed mood and suicidal thoughts or actions while taking or after stopping chantix. some people had seizures while taking chantix. if you have any of these, stop chantix and call your doctor right away. tell your doctor about any history of mental health problems,
which could get worse while taking chantix or history of seizures. don't take chantix if you've had a serious allergic or skin reaction to it. if you develop these, stop chantix and see your doctor right away as some can be life-threatening. tell your doctor if you have a history of heart or blood vessel problems, or develop new or worse symptoms. get medical help right away if you have symptoms of a heart attack or stroke. decrease alcohol use while taking chantix. use caution when driving or operating machinery. common side effects include nausea, trouble sleeping and unusual dreams. i'm not worried about smoking my next cigarette. to me that feels great. ask your doctor if chantix is right for you.
kind of a signature signoff when the show ends. johnny carson used to do that weird golf swing at the end of his monologue. >> right. >> do i need a signoff? >> yeah. maybe something -- how about this. >> i like that. that's good. that's a really good one. >> all right. did you like the show? good. you're weird. but weird is good. weird is normal. because these days, the script has been flipped. what was once normal is now odd. what used to be edgy is now mundane. it's why we had to cut out our health segment. >> here's how it works. this suction device creates a vacuum inside each cup. these cups are placed on various acupuncture points on the body. and either left still or moved around the skin in a massage-like motion.
>> that doesn't hurt at all. >> i know, it may look strange, but i can tell you, cupping really does feel like a deep tissue massage. >> i can promise you from here on in, this show will not be edgy. edgy was a term created to pawn stupid stuff. it's cool and just plain bad. like probiotic yogurt. edgy commentary mocks the faithful, taking jabs at things people fought and died for. that's not risk. it's a costume for the vacuous. saying you love this country, cops are awesome, military rules, identity is silly, all of that creates a smirk. stretching from the upper west side to the backyards of brentwood, the snickering dismissal of an intellectual class trained by the comedy central applause. real risk is looking at new things in an old-fashioned way. unafraid that everyone else hates you. and the fact is, if you're watching me now, they already do.
watching fox news on a sunday night is the equivalent of shooting kittens from a humvee. it's like smothering baby lambs with stacks of $1,000 bills. like eating a goulash from homeless people. and wealth is a measure of greed. if you're watching this show, congratulations, you're not like them. you're one of us. and we're glad you're here. here's what's on the show next week. ♪
♪ >> tell people to watch this show. if you don't, i will hunt you down and kill you, with kisses. >> see you later. okay. >> how was the show? >> don't ask. >> same place? >> are they expecting us? >> everything's all set up, just exactly the way you asked. >> do we have the wax? >> hot and melted. >> the way i like it. let's get the hell out of here,
lou. >> here we go. they would have all been -- >> no, that's it for us in washington. "fox news sunday" is next. i'm chris wallace. the other woman running for the white house draw a sharp contrast with hillary clinton. >> i think we need a nominee who will ask her these questions about trustworthiness, transparency and track record. >> can carly fiorina take her to the republican nomination? presidential candidate carly fiorina only on "fox news sunday." the senate tries to work out ast last minute deal before key provisions expire. will it put us in