As I started this speedrun, ignorant of the pains and horrors to come, I wrote it with the intent that you could read what I did and why, while making brief jokes to break up what would be a straightforward and boring comments file. I was wrong. After a few months, and only a *few* thousand level attempts, my mind began to fray and as I wrote it reflected that descent into madness, all remains of straightforward, or even coherent, disappeared. I blame you, Istanbul 01! Anyway, I still hope it's funny.

Hello and welcome to my, Goggen's, Indiana Jones and the Emperor's Tomb speedrun.
Let's begin...

General info:

• Rolling over jumps sometimes saves time. Basically, when jumping *down*, you go farther in a roll than in a jump. More horizontal speed and whatnot.
• Jumping into whippings saves time; Indy doesn't stop and pull out his whip first, but instead does it mid-air. Yeah, *that's* realistic...
• Rolling over items, guns, ammo etc. picks them up, and is faster than the animation *and* you keep moving, not to mention picking up multiple items in one go. Boy, is rolling *fun*!
• Annoyance #1: Dodgy camera movement around enemies: The camera goes to fighting mode when close to an enemy, which is really annoying.
• Annoyance #2: Cutscene sticking: After a cutscene, Indy sometimes won't move immediately.
• Annoyance #3: Difficulty in restarting a level: To restart the level, you have to either a) die, which can be surprisingly difficult at times, and which has an annoying Looney Tunes fade-out, or b) exit to the main menu (complete with loading) and re-load the level from there (now with 50% more loading, for that extra loading goodness).

Main Menu: Little to say here, really. Overwrote existing game 'cause it's faster than deleting and starting anew. ...And I couldn't figure out how, as well. Apparently it's in the Load Menu or something. Ah well.

Ceylon 01:

Jumped the low edges, as it's faster than stepping over them. Fell into the stream instead of jumping over it, but you travel about as fast on the ground as in a jump, so it doesn't really matter. Rolled over the gap since you skip the tiny animation of Indy hitting his shins on the edge. And it looks funny.

Ran and jumped around the first water fountain to save the corner. As you can see, rolling over the jump saved me the catching-the-edge-and-pulling-up animation. Dropped off the next edge 'cause jumping is difficult to aim and I saved some health, and it wouldn't have been faster.

Jumping gaps *then* whipping is faster (and not just cool) since you keep moving. Since the machete can't be selected with numbers for some reason, and I don't have three hands to select it with arrow keys, I "used" the vines for it.

Ceylon 02:

Urgh. A bit long and some nicely random shortcuts scattered about.

Cutting the rope and elbowing the guy went smoothly (a rare occurrence), as well as the rolling off the crates, which kept the speed up. Bypassing the enemies and whipping the first gap went well, although the wallhug could have been just a *tad* more to the left. The following whippings were OK, but he steps over the broken wall-section which can (randomly) be avoided.

Huge time-saver: Rolling over to the platform saves the whole business of getting out of the water and jumping to it.

Cutscene skipped.

Roping straight to the whip-point saves some more time, as well as avoiding fighting the shotgun-guy.

Minor mistake: Fell off the edge and pulled up as I landed after the rope-jump. *Could* have been avoided, but since the guy didn't shoot me (he's one helluva shot) I let it slide. Speaking of slide, I stopped for a moment before the floor collapsed and the short slide, but I let that one SLIDE as well.

Swimming and getting out of the water went OK. Perhaps a bit clumsy on the getting out.

Climbing and pulling the switch OK.

Cutscene skipped.

Got shot once with shotgun, *could* also have been avoided but since he shot me around the corner it didn't really hurt much.

Ceylon 03:

Wow, that first jump has killed me a buncha times. Pulling out the whip mid-air over pointy spikes went well, although for some reason I didn't jump into the pit, I just dropped. Probably still as quick, though.

Hit both the guy and the wall running past, this because of the camera moving to fighting mode. Jumping and especially the whipping went smoothly. Skipped the whole shimmy-tutorial by just pulling myself up and running. *Also* avoided the spawning of a machete-guy who would otherwise cause trouble planting the demo-charge.

Shooting both guys saved time, and luckily I got some ammo for the next level. Selecting the bomb first saved perhaps a bit of time. Hiding behind the column saved time getting to the level-exit after the bomb went off.

Ceylon 04:

Getting to the switch and hitting it at correct angle a bit annoying, but OK.

Cutscene skipped.

I shot the shotgun guy first because a) he's a bigger threat and b) hitting the revolver guy from the left means I can roll *towards* the climbing bit for his gun rather than away from it. No point in taking the shotgun since you don't get any bullets until he's pulled it out. Shooting machete guy went OK.

Cutscene skipped.

Climbing and jumping went well, but for some reason you can't jump into the whipping. Took a lot of damage jumping the guard rail (sometimes I take no damage) but it saves time. As mentioned in Ceylon 01, had to "use" the vines to select the machete.

Jumped onto the vineclimb since I skip a bit of slow, slow climbing. Jumping the first weakened floor and rolling under the traps you're *supposed* to do, but the second weakened floor I just ran across on the left. Whipping and macheting went OK. Rolled into the end cutscene. Not strictly necessary, but a bit funny.

Ceylon 05:

Now, here I let the cutscene play out just a millisecond longer than I had to. Why? So I don't have to watch him get up *after* the cutscene. Clever, clever.

Rolling into the first ever Adventure Mode (Adventure Mode! In color!) skips ahead three squares. Went straight through the first set of traps without delay, taking one hit. Waited a bit at the second, because jumping into an already sprung spike halts Indy, and I only had enough health for one more hit. Which I took. Curiously enough, I discovered that turning around and going through the Adventure Mode *backwards* is much faster, unfortunately though turning around is so clumsy (and getting through the trap alive is so uncontrollable) that it had to be abandoned. Might come in handy in a later level.

Took a swig of water for no particular reason (wouldn't need it for the next level anyway) other than a nice straight hallway to select the bottle and swig away. Got to the switch unharmed.

Cutscene skipped.

Slight cutscene stick here. Also a bit of dodgy running thanks to fight cam. Ran for the bridge, where I unfortunately didn't get the machete guy close behind me (which is all for the better anyway, because of fight cam). Why is this unfortunate? 'Cause he'd be on the bridge when it collapsed and fall to his humorous death. Mwahaha. Well, as you know, I always *thought* he tried to go a bridge too far...

Cutscene skipped.

"See you later alligator!" "In a while, crocodile!" Heeding no warnings of befanged crocodiles, I swim along the bottom straight through. Luckily, Indy can outswim the crocs most of the time, *and* they have trouble biting downwards, hence swimming along the bottom.

Hitting the switches went decently, had a bit of clumsy fight cam though. Rolled into the water for fun more than speed, really, although I got both.

Ceylon 06:

For some strange reason, 90% of the time Indy'd lose his precious hat at the beginning, but not this time. Pulled up a bit as I started swimming since Indy has a nasty tendency to stick to the bottom. (Run out and buy the brand new non-stick "Teflon Indy"! In stores now.)

*Very* narrowly escaped the crocs, but hey, that's what Indy's all about.

Cutscene skipped.

Slight cutscene stick. Jumping OK, luckily avoided some annoying fight cam I'd usually get. Pulled out water bottle and filled it up for the section ahead (which I doubt I'd have survived). The following Adventure Mode went perfectly (from a speed point of view). Hit the switch at a right angle (that's 90 degrees, not the "correct" angle), but it's as quick as at the correct angle since Indy just turns through the animation.

Cutscene skipped.

Watch in amazement as Indy's crotch painlessly travels straight through the lever! Here you see the advantage of the wonderful, wonderful roll, as the distance would be too far to jump and'd have required a long detour through the water. Also another reason why I'd need more health. Boy, is Indy hitting the bottle hard this level. Ran straight for Kouru Watu's mouth, which could not be jumped for some reason, had to step. Rolled into the level exit for show, as always.

Ceylon 07:

Urgh. Another Ceylon 02. Not as long, but *very* random. I tried this level at *least* 200 times. This run was the *first* successful run and the 90th attempt *in a row*. On to the notes...

Straight run for the first trap, a spiked 14-ton weight (Why spike what's *already* an excessively deadly trap?). Fun moment of *just* narrowly jumping out of the way of it failed, but irrelevant to the speed anyway.

Annoyingly random and difficult trick #1: Failed. Rolling off the weight, over the edge, into the hole, over the rubble and into the cutscene in one roll. Stopped before the cutscene. However the time loss is so minor (and the trick so random and difficult) that I kept going.

Annoyingly random and difficult trick #2: Success! Sliding and jumping to the whip-point, then jumping the intended whip-point step and whipping straight to the last stairs. Then actually getting *on* the stairs properly from that angle makes it all the much better!

Annoyingly random yet not actually *difficult* trick #3: Success! Running straight past the two guys, one packing shotgun heat, to the high step and vine-climb without getting shot or pistol-whipped (shotgun-whipped, ya nitpicker) a) while running or b) while climbing the step was a happy moment indeed. The rope-swing (alright then, vine-swing) went OK.

*Somewhat* random and difficult trick #4: Success! Jumping onto the cage-elevator-dealie as it's moving has the sad tendency to get Indy stuck in space while the cage continues up. If you look closely, after pulling up onto the cage itself his feet briefly sink into the cage before I narrowly escape the 91st failure in a row that day by jumping up to the top of the cage. Jumping off the cage couldn't have been better timed, and the switch and run for the exit went without problem.

*Finally*. Onto Ceylon 08.

Ceylon 08:

Not a very difficult level, but *very* random. This run isn't pretty, but it gets the job done.

Starting off with abusing the Guardians' blind spot, directly underneath one, I just jump across the first puzzle. Rolling into the cutscene as it starts gives me a one-roll-length headstart on the next puzzle, which I kinda messed up. It *is* possible to roll straight through *all* the Guardians, but since I got hit while rolling I didn't lose speed and decided to keep going. Second Guardian went well, rolling *both* its attempts at Indy's life. Bad Guardian, *bad*. Stay! No, *bad Guardian! [Hits Guardian with rolled-up newspaper.]

Then a straight run for the mother of all Guardian puzzles. Ignored both thugs, naturally (how they got there and what they were doing is anyone's guess). Took a swig of water while running, not much else to do. Rolled the first three Guardians, picked up a skull by accident (Why do human skulls grow on bushes in this game?), took one hit on Guardian #4. Jumped the Temple of Doom lava pit and avoided one of two hits. Then ran for the exit, holding the skull and saying "Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio. Kinda. I knew *of* him, certainly. Say, where *did* the rest of his skeleton go and why was his skull growing out of a bush? And *why* was there grass and a bush growing underground, out of the sun and without water?"

Ceylon 09:

First boss ever! Yay! A mercifully unrandom level, and *nicely* easy to die in. Just jump in the water and yell "bite me" at the croc, death in no time. Let's begin.

Straight run for the climb-out-of-the-water-spot as it's furthest away from the croc and nearest the target area. Notice how Indy continues to talk while submerged. Nice voice on the man. "If I don't get that monster out of the way this is going to be a real short swim." Nope, not going to do that. Went straight for the first switch (after jumping the stair in a needlessly showing-off way).

Cutscene skipped.

Standing parallel to the corner and rolling when the cage hits the edge (watch for it), it should have been perfectly timed for Indy to land on the edge of the top of the cage. Instead, slight undershoot and taking damage and slight time penalty on the bottom cage-edge. Not really significant, and much faster than getting in the water and climbing up anyway. Straight jump from top of cage #1 to the edge of the top of cage #2. Ran to the *extreme* right and jumped without pause from rope to rope to switch #2.

Cutscene skipped.

This rope-jump is very tricky, and I had to get all the way out on the edge to do it. But I did, skipping having to stop and aim the damn rope. The jump from cage #3 to cage #4 *is* possible to do ending up on the bottom edge of cage #4, *but* out of 150 tries (and at least as many rehearsals) at this level that happened *twice*. The jump from cage #4 to the rope-jump is much harder than the same from cage #2, but I managed it, skipping having to aim this one as well. Paused a wee bit on the landing, but on that tiny ledge I'd usually fall off anyway. Straight for switch #3.

Cutscene skipped.

Perhaps a bit slow getting to the rope-jump, but it was seamless enough and skipped climbing up a bit to get on cage #5. Rolled to the top of cage #6. (To be honest, never even checked if it was possible to just jump. Probably wasn't.) The jump from cage #6 to cage #7 is *also* possible to end on the bottom edge, but about as rare as on cage #4. Didn't bother to climb to the top, ran straight for the rope-jump and switch #4.

Cutscene skipped.

Jumped for the rope-jump 'cause Indy'll do it whether you want to or not. Swam for the climb-out-point, went for the idol. The floor gave way, what a surprise.

Cutscene skipped.

Swam for the vines, selected the machete there. (Climbing out of the water resets your selected underwater weapon, so selecting it earlier and pulling it out now not possible.) Slashed through (quicker than on land as well) and swam for the exit, where nasty Von Beck (grrr) tries to take the idol (grrr) but gets thrown to the croc (yay) and *you* get the idol anyway (yay). On to a brief cutscene and then Prague! Which for some reason has been moved from Czechoslovakia to Bavaria in Germany on a map from after WWII...

Prague 01:

Look, Prague is the capital of the Czech Republic, it's in what was at the time (1935) Czechoslovakia, it is and has never been in Bavaria, it was occupied from 1939 to 1945 (and was *still* in Czechoslovakia) and it *continued* to be in Czechoslovakia until the Czech Republic and Slovakia peacefully broke up in 1993. They *moved* one of the oldest and proudest cities of Europe to another country! What's next, "Paris, Italy"? *And*, almost as obscenely dumb, the map's not even from 1935! It's from a brief period between 1945 and 1948, *after* large sections of Germany were turned over to occupied countries but *before* Israel was formed. Humbug!

...Anyway, onto the first level, a fictional castle in the fictional city of Prague, Germany. Come to think of it, there wasn't even a city! There's no Prague, it's just generic box canyon surrounding the castle! Couldn't just have said "A castle in Germany!?" AAAH!

Ahem. It starts of with a long, straight run for the first jump. Selected some weapons to show off and make the trip seem shorter.

Fight cam pulled me away from the closest point to jump from, but it makes *no* difference. And now for something completely unintended by the idiot makers of the game: (Fair enough, they can't clip *everything*, but come on! "Prague, Germany"!?) Instead of going over and around the main gate, climb down and go for the bridge jump (minding not to go a bridge too far), I roll straight over the secondary (rather pointless) gate and go straight for the bridge. For some reason, took no damage (or time penalty) for rolling it. Hm, weirdly random. And now for *more* unintendedtacular action; I jump on the banister, *roll* the shimmy, overshoot (purely by design of course) and whip for the rope-jump and jump and run for the exit. Beautiful. Fastest level of the game so far.

Prague 02:

Urgh. *Longest* level of the game so far. Only two tricks total and nothing remotely spectacular.

Trick #1: Jumped straight down to the two Gestapo, hitting the banister on the way so's Indy wouldn't die.

Ran straight through most of the first trap, rolled the end 'cause there's a 50% chance of taking damage and pausing briefly. Ran past trap #2. Trap #3 done as supposed to; jumped first blade, rolled second, and rolled the last two. Trap #4 done as intended; jumped the rather un-ominous rolling spiky thingie. Trap #5 went as intended; waited a split second before running straight for the switch.

Cutscene skipped.

Trick #2: Rolled the whipping. Landing on the stairs doesn't seem to be any faster than landing on the edge and pulling up.

Went for the switch.

Cutscene skipped.

Rolled off the ledge and rather fluidly landed on the banister. Ran past Gestapoman and rolled when passing to avoid being shot in the back. Ran for the whipping, whipped across bottomless pit. Wallhugged at ideal point, but disengaged awkwardly. Went for the lever. Jump and rope-climb went OK. Shot all three Gestapomen because they'd have shot me in the next section. Climbed for the levers.

Cutscene skipped.

Jumped the two ropejumps and climbed for next switch.

Cutscene skipped.

Unexpectedly landed on top of a window when rolling off. Jumped off *that* and jumped for the switches again.

Cutscene skipped.

Jumped the ropejumps but got weirdly stuck on the ledge for half a second (jumping off as I hit the wall looks the culprit). Pulled the switch and awkwardly ran for the exit. This was the best and *only* successful attempt.

Prague 03:

Short, uneventful level. Oh, and marvel at the *doors* (!?) in the canvas-cover of the truck.

Ran past two Gestapo and rolled the MP-40 and ammo (*might* come in handy), climbed the flatbed and picked up the demo-pack. Ran for the covered well. Shot a Gestapo. Jumped and placed bomb. Took two hits after, irrelevant as the timer was running. Rolled into well.

Cutscene.

Swam for the lever. Pulled lever.

Cutscene.

Ran for the end switch. Got slightly caught on a corner. Pulled switch. Easiest level so far.

Prague 04:

Started level, ran past Gestapo and on to the doors. Ran past two more Gestapos on way to whipping. Turned and jumped into second whipping, where I whipped further than usual (or I hit the edge).

Two cutscenes.

It seems like The Collective blocked the ledge, or I'd have rolled for it. Dang. Wallhugged whilst drinking water, and tapped the key to show off the funky animation. Pulled lever.

Cutscene.

At this point, I *could* have rolled for the rope, but instead I whipped as you're supposed to, 'cause then (if done right) you get *exactly* the right altitude for the jump-off. Opened the doors, and shot a Gestapo on the right so's he wouldn't hit me in the back when I took the key. Yella' bastard. Ran through the doors and on to the exit.

Prague 05:

Lotsa hard tricks.

Ran for the fireplace, jumped the first step. You're *supposed* to whip across (like I do later), but I instead climb someplace they seemed to forget to clip. Following trick was the hardest of the level; running on the ledge, running straight into the wall and *sliding* gently into the banister and climb that. Fell off lots here. At this point, you're supposed to lower the chandelier and whip across and wallhug to the stairs. No chance; jumped the banister and ran the ledge. Pulled the switch.

Cutscene.

Rolled off the ledge but did *not* lose health or speed on landing. Weird. Ran on the right 'cause the Gestapos have lousy aim over distance, as you can see. And it looks cooler. Messed up jumping to the book, climbed instead. Slight mess-up, but I kept running anyway 'cause the dismount from that last roll was so flawless. Got the book, ran off the step, jumped onto the fireplace and whipped as you're supposed to. (At this point you're supposed to lower the chandelier even further.) Ran for the wallhug, which was a bit clumsy. Used the book.

Cutscene.

When you skip the cutscene, Indy's animations are still fixed. Got the map.

Cutscene.

Got extremely lucky when jumping down to the two Gestapos, ran between them and went for the exit. A bit of dodgy fight cam, unfortunately.

Prague 06:

Urgh, that clock.

Ran and picked up the crown, was too fast to the door to necessitate a roll. Aw... Ran on to the switch and deposited the crown.

Cutscene.

Ran over the levers before they rose. Used them at first opportunity, but a bit of inevitable lag in the animation. Rotated the dials the quickest direction and ran for the exit.

Prague 07:

Ran and jumped onto the first stairs. Believe it or not, the toughest bit of this otherwise easy level. Ran past second stairs, turned 180 degrees and jumped onto those.

Cutscene.

Could have gotten into that wallhug a wee bit further out, but it was okay.

Now, here's what you're *supposed* to do: Climb the wall to the top of the tower, run out the window and fall into a rope. Climb to the bottom of the rope and swing in a window and out the door. Alternate route 1: jump from window on opposing side of the rope, onto the balcony. Alternate route 2, the neat-o one: Before the wallclimb, jump from the steps onto the spiky guardrail and onto the balcony. Ta-da!

Even bumped into the guard. Followed intended level route for a while; through the door, up the stairs, into and out of a small tower, smashed a window, stole a broken sword.

Got the recently spawned Gestapos out of the way with my trusty MP-40, and took a shortcut off the balcony and ran for the stable and the exit. (Intended route; up the stairs again, into the tower again, and slide on a rope to the top of the stable, down the two sets of stairs and out the exit while avoiding a Gestapo with MP-40.)

Outside of punching air opening the stable door, this level went pretty flawlessly.

Prague 08:

Deposit broken sword to statue, toy with clock, onto next level. Pretty straightforward, really.

Prague 09:

Ran a bit, past two Gestapos. On past annoying rope-swing. Ran way out on the edge for show. And because my mouse-cable got caught on something. Ran past the next set of Gestapos and skipped a section of gameplay; you're supposed to go to the left and whip along the bridge. I jumped onto the ledge and rolled for the entrance. Had some luck on the landing; took no damage. w00t. Got the lever-handle and used it, had a bit of cutscene-stick. Ran outside the rotating platform, 'cause it was running against my direction. Selected the water-bottle after opening the secret compartment. Picked up annoying document. Took a swig waiting for Gestapos to break down door.

(Intended route: Climb the telescope while the Gestapos are at work on the door, slide a rope to a platform, enter some section of tower and take some stairs to a door not far from the exit.) MP-40ed my way past the two Gestapos, jumped over the railing, landed on some spiky railing further down, and rolled from *that* to straight outside the exit. W00T!

Prague 10:

More clock. Nothin' to see here, show's over, move along people.

Prague 11:

Urgh, lots of climbing, hardly any shortcuts.

Actually, outside of the basic not-attacking-enemies-even-though-the-game-taunts-you-to, there's only a single deviation from the normal course in this level. At the end, instead of climbing (from the room filling with gas) I jump the banister skipping one rope-climb. Unspectacular.

Prague 12:

Final clock! No more clock! Wuhu!

Prague 13:

Another boss. An annoying one, since he does too little damage to kill me *quickly* so I can retry a failed run. Oh, and the loading screenshot of the lab doesn't match the final product; there are chairs strewn about and the skeletons are standing upright with their arms straight out through the wall of their tubes.

Anyway, I smote him thusly: Ran for the beaker on the left and rolled behind the table for cover (seriously, those fireball thingies of his mess runs up). Threw that and the three next beakers, and onto stage 2. Here, I use a tiny trick; he hits back if you hit him three times. As you can see, I hit him twice, let him recover, hit him twice, recover, etc. until he bites the acidic pointy piece of metal tube dust. Which, by the way, was buggy and glowed white (too many fume sprites, I reckon). Then I roll the Dragon Shard dealie and run for the exit.

Istanbul 01:

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! This took *forever*. Figuratively speaking. Attempt after *attempt* after ATTEMPT after *ATTEMPT*! I have nothing but attempt, I mean contempt, for this level. I tried it so many times that I started counting. I counted 522 attempts before I got the level. FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-TWO! (Not to mention a couple hundred attempts before I *started* to count!) And that's *at least* thirty seconds per attempt just from loading alone! That's four hours twenty-one minutes loading! ARGHGRAAAARHH! I even got *so* bored with this level I set up statistics over *how* I failed this level hundreds upon hundreds of times. Here they are, by the way:

(Opening fight).......................
First room:............26 12.21%
No kills:..............93 43.66%
1 kill:................48 22.53%
2 kills:...............10 04.69%
(3 Kills, moving on)..................
Before pack:...........11 05.16%
At pack:................4 01.88%
After pack:.............7 03.29%
In gunfight:...........10 04.69%
After gunfight:.........2 00.94%
Tries counted:........213 40.73%
Tries total:..........523 100.00%
Tries successful:.......3 00.57%
......................................
Times timed...........195 37.28%
Time playing:...................98:46
Estimated time playing:........264:46
Estimated time in loading:.....261:00
Estimated total time:..........525:46 = Eight hours, Forty-five minutes, forty-six seconds!

Also, we can glean from these (wonderful) statistics, that I only get past the first three guys 16,81% of the time, and those remaining 83,09% those god-damned arab nazis mess up my run in the first 25 seconds! GOD DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! TAKE YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY ARAB NAZIS! IT'S A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE! Furthermore, you can also see that I spend almost exactly the same time in-game as I do in the god-damned loading menu! WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE MAIN MENU TO LOAD GAMES!? ARGHGRAAAAAH! And it all adds up to almost nine hours. NINE HOURS! AAARGH!

Sigh. Anyway, on to the level:

In the opening fight (which, statistically, got messed up 434 times, by the way) I run straight for the knife-guy, since he doesn't attack you until he gets to a certain point (and 'cause he has a knife, obviously). Tactically, I use stabbing against one enemy and swipes against close-together enemies. This has got to be one of the smoothest victories ever. (And, statistically, one of only 89 such.)

I run straight past the next knife-guy, get the MP and *kill* the MP-guy up top, because with him alive I can't get past the stairs on the way back. I dispatch the following two MP-guys (one who spawns later than the first), and the one in the next room, with shooting suspiciously dangerously-placed highly explosive barrels. I pick up the pack, roll some ammo and a medkit, run and roll a MP, and run back to the stairs. I grab a medkit by the (dangerous) MP-guy, and run for the next cutscene, where I roll into a pair of grenades. I run through MG-fire and past that guy and a grenade guy and roll into the next cutscene. Here's a tricky part; I shoot all three knife-guys before that Chinese girl shows up, meaning she'll be fighting the knife-guy who spawns next and I won't have to watch the stupid cutscene of her leaving. I climb the tower, roll across to some other tower, climb, push some boxes out of the way and skip that cutscene. Then a cutscene-rope-descent, some climbing, a narrow dodge of a knife-guy, and the level's over. YAAAY!

Istanbul 02:

Strangely easy, once I got the only trick in the level to work. What, 'one trick level' and 'easy' in the same sentence? But that's impossible, Istanbul 01 proved it!

But no! You're supposed to run from the giant room into some caved-in entrance, (You're on the top floor of a giant towering structure. What is there to cave in?) whip across some places, slide some, run back out to slightly further down in the giant room, wallhug, run back into the structure, run some hallways and another whipping-section across some sharky water, down a hallway, pick up a bomb in a room adjoining the giant room, run back that last hallway and blast your way into Istanbul 03. And all this while arab nazis and DAK troopers shoot at you. (That's Afrika Korps for j00 ww2-n00bs, nazis in deserty camouflage, and actually not in existence until 1941, six years after this game. Although they *could* technically be SA, who'd have brown desert camos left over from WWI. Hence "brownshirts".)

What *I* did, however, is so much more spectacular! I ran to the opposing end of the room (drinking some water on the way, and selecting the gun so Indy briefly drank that, kinda funny), right over to over that bomb-room, selected a grenade (don't know if that helped or not, I was trying stuff out), Guard-walked off the edge, fell a *really* lethal distance, landed unscathed in midair just shy of a ledge, ran onto the ledge and awkwardly made my way into the bomb-room by dropping onto a pillar and down. That skipped the whole level, pretty much. Yep. I 0wnZ j00 4ll. w0rd.

Then just a matter of getting the bomb, run to the exit, set the bomb, wait, and exit.

After a few (hundred) merciful attempts (you get that first trick or die, so you'll immediately restart the level, yay), this level was over thanks to an *incredibly* random bug. Which is also why I let slide the following: Clumsy running while selecting grenade, clumsy running on the ledge (falling off and getting back up), clumsy rolling a medkit, clumsy running to the exit). If fixed, could save a couple of seconds maybe. But then again, I just saved maybe a *minute* or more on that drop-trick, so I'm pretty pleased. Level over! Yay!

Istanbul 03:

Straight run, just one tiny shortcut.

At the start, I follow the standard climbing and whipping route (and not getting shot by luck) until I get to some stuff leaning against the scaffolding. I climb on the stuff's bounding box, and jump (seemingly from midair) on to the next bit.

After the whipping, you're supposed to jump across and shimmy some. Instead, I just run off and aim for the box for box-smashing k3wlness. I miss, *but* I lost no health/speed so k3wlness will have to wait. I run straight for the DAK (Afrika Korps, just to remind you) by the elevator, 'though I disarm one on the way, 'cause killing *him* triggers the elevator. I shoot the remaining two DAKs so's they won't get in the way, kick one elevator-DAK out of the way (humorously) and trigger the elevator, lever-style. Totally old-school. Word.

I MP-whip the second DAK and steal his Mauser (Schnellfeuer Model 712 "Broom handle", so now you know) and pistol-whip him in the crotch with it. 0wnZed. The first DAK picks up *his* Mauser, runs after and tries to shoot me, but ha-ha, no luck. Pretty awesome muzzle flash in frame, too. Unfortunately, I get a bit caught on a doorway, but nothing too costly.

And now for the crane puzzle. Wow, almost Half-Life 2-like. Except crappy. I spend the time looking around a bit (first head- crane-head-crane, then I look up to the route I followed in Istanbul 02, and nod all gloaty-like). I skip the cutscene and get shot twice getting to the ladder. I don't *jump* the ladder 'cause they'd shoot me in mid-air (much better shots than that elevator-n00b). I take some hits but lose no speed. Then a brief climb and whip my way to Istanbul 04! (And hey, doesn't it look like Indy's *surfing* that giant head? "Whoo, catchin' some great waves on this giant head, dude!")

Istanbul 04:

Please note how the previous level ended with Indy gently being lowered into the hole (With whom at the controls...?), and this level started with Indy plummeting. The Collective, masters of continuity!

And also note that after a few tries I got a run at 3:47. Not pleased, I ran the level a few hundred times more on a level that takes almost four minutes to complete, and got... 3:39. Ah, progress in practice.

Anyway, on with the notes. A first with this level, I noticed that there's some weird kind of speed-swimming Indy can do. Tap Jump repeatedly (for stroke) and he'll swim *extra* fast. Well, *animate* extra fast at any rate. Also, I noticed that Indy doesn't put his hat back on when he gets out of the water if you're holding something, in this case a Turkish knife. I swam for the oxygen-canister (which apparently requires no form of mask, or regulator, or anything. And which the nazis aren't themselves using in stead of their clunky underwater battle armor things. No wonder they lost the war...), used a medkit while getting out of the water, smashed a crate and rolled, picking up said canister and a brand new medkit. Then into the water and a tiny bit of speed-swimming before I get to the shark introduction cutscene. Which prompts:

[JAWS theme]

NA NA. NA NA. Nananananananana-NANA-nana-NANA-nana-NANANAAAA-nana-NANAnaNANANAnaNANANAAAA!

[/JAWS theme]

Okay, back to the speedrun. I fiddle with the knife a bit ("Yew call that a knife!?") and climb out. I check to see if I actually got the medkit (yup) and pick the Mauser, then shoot the unsuspecting and very deserving nazi in the face, missing once. I pick up his Mauser and head for the strangely placed cottage thing where I roll the map, MP40-ammo and a bottle, pick up the speargun (and drop the bottle) and pick up three speargun-ammos. Then I roll into the water and (after a brief cutscene) swim for the bomb. I fire off a couple of speargun shots at the diving suit nazis, hit once and miss once. (I would *also* like to point out that they're wearing nazi armbands. You know, if you're in a leaky diving suit, in deep water, surrounded by sharks, in a temple that may collapse at any moment, handling explosives *and* fighting off archaeologists with spearguns, you've *already* proven your loyalty to the third reich without needing to show off with armbands...)

I take one hit after picking the bombs up, and on the run back to the shark pond I check if I actually got both bombs (yup) and swim, *very* narrowly avoiding a shark to the point you actually get its point of view, and showing its teeth and whatnot. Hm. Shark's point of view...

NA NA. NA NA. Nanana...

Okay, I'll stop. Anyway, I get up and roll into the cutscene, ending up in the water. I swim for the obelisk and plant the bomb on this lovely piece of archaeology. Tsk tsk, dr. Jones. I punch the bomb a bit ("Damn you for destroying priceless millennia-old architecture!") and drop off the ledge while still hanging on. I look around a bit, and KABOOM, skip the cutscene, get back up into the middle of some great balls of fire. ("Goodness gracious great balls of fire!") I run the now toppled-over obelisk and instead of going the proper, complicated route on the left, roll off to the right and skip some whipping and whatnot. I also have some luck with the landing, getting a landing-without-taking-harm-or-pausing-landing. I run for the crane and its controls, and while fiddling around, looking at the crane, to the hook, to the head, to the wall, back to the head, and *swiftly* pan to the wall and shaking the camera a bit. Implying what's about to happen. Ahem. *Then*, I leave the crane, for the reason that if I *start* the next bit of craning (rather than *continuing* the craning) I can leave the crane controls be and run off to the ladder, which I jump for in the nick of time before the cutscene. *After* the cutscene, the camera just stays around some ("Hello? Cut! CUT! STOP FILMING!"), during which I climb the ladder (you can only hear Indy grunting and groaning, in case you're wondering what *that* was). I beautifully execute a semi-circle run around the ladder-hole, and climb to where (on Ceylon 03) there was a ladder to the crane itself, but isn't now, and instead jump and climb up. I run and roll for the head. Now, if you land on top of the head, rather than on the side of it as I do (and boggle most people's minds, I'm sure), you can roll straight for the pre-exit platform, but instead I have to run around the head, land on some broken wall and run for the roll to the end of the level. Yep. I roll for a millisecond into the end cutscene, for good measure.

Istanbul 05:

Blargh. Long, long, long level. Longest level so far. Hm...

"When and where the invasion takes place, it will be, for the Allies as well as the Germans, the longest level. The longest level." Da-da-da-DAM.

Alright, enough references to really old movies. ...For now.

I start off with a quick roll into the water, and a short swim for the absolutely nearest climb-out point. Please note the shark generally minding its own business. AI not kicked in yet due to skipping of cutscene. Sad, really. I whip to the next bit, where I do *not* climb onto a thin ledge, shimmy around to the other side, fall off and jump on some rubble. I instead roll and then jump onto later in that same some rubble, which is actually surprisingly difficult to do; you have to either jump *under* the outcropping dealie, or *outside*, and both have a terrible risk of either butting Indy's head and falling in the water or falling short. And falling in the water. I speed through the next bit 'till I get to the stairs, where I roll onto the Wine Coin place (and, in many failed attempts, miss and fall in the water or fall short and fall in the water), skipping the spawning of one arab nazi knife guy ("ANKG"?) who'd be triggered at the top of the stairs. I reload the MP-40 (awkwardly) and the speargun (needlessly) and roll the coin (and, usually, the speargun ammo, but not this time, hence the needlessly) I run back, fiddle with the coin, and fall in the water. Well, roll. Intentionally. I take some damage on the midway landing ("Midway", 1976), something I usually don't. But did. This time.

I follow the beaten path until after the whipping (pretty much 'till the end of the level, actually), where I run along a thin ledge instead of immediately climbing onto the plateau, to avoid some rubble maneuvering ("You rubble scum!") and to select the bottle while climbing up. I take a swig, and run for a roll to the Trident Coin place (I think you can jump it, so it's probably not an unintended shortcut). I run up the toppled pillar and roll to the lamp on the bottom platform of the next bit and jump onto the next platform (alternately, you can run slightly farther along the platform and roll straight to the edge of that last platform), a trick which although minor, I *insisted* on keeping in the run in spite of the, uhm, minority of it. Not that I actually had anyone to insist *to*, but if I had, I'd be insisting their ears off.

I climb to the top and roll to the bomb platform, and roll two bombs (For the price of one!) and climb back onto the top. Here I should actually have jumped from the bomb platform straight over the next level and onto the second-highest level, but I fell short and had to climb. Very minor.

I roll over to the next (or previous) bit and climb almost to the top, jumping straight onto the pillar, which I then roll off of and run for the bomb placing. While waiting I wallhug and use the kinda-cool lean-out-and-look-animation for entertainment. Also, please note that in spite of the ticking of the bomb, and plainly obvious clock on its face, the bomb also has one of those fizzy Mission Impossible-fuses. which is *not* actually physically present on the bomb. Bah.

Or rather, "KA-BAH-LAM!", as I run straight through a sea of fire (damn, I already used the "great balls of fire"-joke on the last level) to the Trident Coin. I select the last bomb on the way back. ("The Last of the Bomb-hicans"? Nah, that's even more of a stretch than "KA-BAH-LAM!" was...)

I roll and swim for the last bomb site ("The Last..." ...Nah.) and plant it. You can see I'm a bit early on the swim for the coin and pause briefly. Could have gone badly...

Anyway, I pick up the coin and climb (and fall out of the water and awkwardly climb again, costing a second), roll over to the bomb platform and selected the MP-40 to gun away the two arab... The two ANKGs from the doorway, which I don't 'cause they step out of the way (nice of them) and run for the next bit.

Here, you're supposed to jump onto the rope, climb, turn around, swing, grab ledge, climb up, but I get caught on some rubble. "Oh no, he's ruined the run, I have lost my faith in humanity", you say? Nope, I climb the rubble, turn (on a really easy to fall off of ledge) and jump, skipping five seconds. All intentional. Yay, faith in humanity restored.

Anyway, I run past one arab nazi grenade guy (who blows himself up) and gun the next two arab nazis out of the way and follow the (yellow brick road?) intended path (bah) and roll down some rocks, where I get caught for a second. Dang.

I roll into the water, swim and grab the last coin, swim back up, skip a tiny tiny bit by jumping straight over to the last stretch (and into the camera rather awesomely). I run for the coin puzzle and select the first coin. The next bit doesn't need much narration, but, well, actually it does; intended route was Wine, Trident, first wheel, Seahorse, Kraken, second wheel. I screw up ever so insignificantly and go Wine, Trident, Seahorse, Kraken, second wheel, first wheel. Might've cost a second. But at least the level's over. *Finally*.

Oh, and by the way, noticed how Indy carries *both* the MP-40 and the Speargun on his back? And how did he light the fuse on the underwater bomb? And what do those sharks eat when Indy's not around, anyway? And if you say those little fishies swimming about, well, what do *they* eat? And how exactly *do* the nazis and arab nazis get around these levels, anyway? And what do *they* eat?

AND WHY THE HELL CAN'T INDY CLIMB LEDGES TWO FEET ABOVE HIS HEAD WHEN HE'S IN WATER!?

Istanbul 06:

"The Fall of the Sea King".

Hm. Isn't "Sea King" some kind of helicopter? So this is basically like "Black Hawk Down", then?
...
...Yeah, I worked on that one for a long time.

Anyway, this level here was mercifully brief. And more so the next one. Yee-hoo!

Okay, I start off with a roll the *frame* the first cutscene starts, and land in the water to skip a negligible piece of time. But it's a shortcut. One must take shortcuts. Even when they ruin 90% of your level attempts.

Moving on, route-wise on this level I go for the waterfall-turnoff-lever first, although I suppose it *might* be *as* good to go for the bombs first. Ah well. I'm a bit clumsy immediately after the lever, but there's some cool flame in shot so I kept it. And it wasn't slower, naturally. Which I know, 'cause on the way back from the lever I move sort of in sync to the music. Urgh, flashbacks to Istanbul 01.

I swim for the bombs and amazingly don't get shot by the swimsuit nazis (Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Nazi Edition?), who instead shoot each other. Tihi. Also, some harpoons fly past camera just before bombing the ankle, also cool. On the way to the thigh-bomb I jump the collapsa-floor in the nick of time, more coolness. (And no, you can't whip, jump or roll when the waterfall's on. If you *do* catch the ledge, you're washed off.) I do *not* select the bomb after the trident-whipping, 'cause that tends to end in my clumsiness either missing the whip or not jumping the hole after it. And it's virtually cost-free. I *could* have waited for the bomb *underneath* some of those collapsa-column-chunks, but since I skipped that bit and it'd have had me facing the wrong direction, I left it out. Then just a short jump and climb and whip to the next level, ending with a cool 2 minutes flat. For those keeping track at home, the score is Cool 8, Not Cool 3.
...
...Oh, and isn't *really* bad archaeology to blow up an ancient giant statue to get through a floor? Wouldn't it have made sense to, well, BLOW UP THE FLOOR!?

Istanbul 07:

Hm. The last level ended with Indy being sucked down some water hole. And now you're falling down some decidedly *not* watery hole. The Kraken's Lair must have some *damn* good de-humidifiers.

And the Kraken apparently lost two limbs while installing them, 'cause octopi have eight or ten tentacles, *not* six. Thank you, PC GAMER, for pointing that one out. And the bit about the statue in the last level, forgot to thank you then.

Anyway, this level, in spite of it's >2 minutes length, is in fact very little of anything at all. Here goes, in Text Adventure Mode:

Wait through annoying cutscene that can't be skipped. Pick up Super Speargun. Pick up Speargun ammo. Roll bombs. Jump in water. Shoot Kraken and annoying jellyfish it for some reason excretes (the loss of those two tentacles must've been *disastrous* to its hygiene). Plant bombs. Swim for climb-out point. Shoot Kraken again when it returns. Climb out. Roll bombs. Plant bombs. Wait through annoying cutscene that can't be skipped. Jump onto concrete block, after for some reason having lost your hat. Roll to bottom of stairs, once *again* losing hat. Roll Shard of Whatsit-or-Other. Miss. Run back and pick up Shard-dealie. Lose fraction of second. Skip cutscene, yay.

ISTANBUL OVER!

Hong Kong 01:

HONG KONG BEGINNING!

Sorry about that. Anyway, this level was an odd one. First, let me explain how I complete a level. First, I start out by going through the level, looking for places to go, people to see and shortcuts to... Cut. Then, once I've figured out the route, I look at specific tricks, often comparing differing things to see which is faster, and run *those* things until I've figured *them* out. Lastly, I run the level again and again and again until it's finished.

Now, I was in stage two, testing stuff out. I knew the route, more or less, and there were two things I was wondering about. Secondly, there was a jump from the third level balcony straight down to the dance floor, or going along some roofing straight to above the switch. But firstly, there was the opening fight. I figured "hm, lotsa chairs about, I'll try those". So I picked up one chair, hit a ninja. Went smoothly. Picked up a second chair, hit ninja. Hm. Third chair, ninja. Fourth chair, ninja. Then I figured "hm, that went smoothly, I'll just try and see if I might just go through to the end of the level for kicks". So I followed the route, went up to the third level balcony, picked up an iron skin potion, pulled a lever, went back and jumped off the balcony, went for the final lever, and ran to the end of the level picking up a bottle and some ammo on the way. And I was finished. Level done. No flaws or anything, except for some *slight* awkwardness picking up those two things.

...What?

Done with the level ON THE FIRST TRY!?

There must be more to it. Quite frankly, this kind of thing had never happened before.

So after basically settling on this 1:46 run, I ran Hong Kong 02 a bit. *Could* run through it without using anything. And checked a walkthrough and found out that the next two levels were rail gunners so I wouldn't need anything for them, either.

And then I found out the big flaw...

Now, setting aside that, apparently, the ammo I'd picked up had just disappeared when I picked up the bottle, not gone into my inventory, and that the *bottle* had disappeared between levels, and that the Iron Skin potion was bloody useless (doesn't protect against fall damage or stop Indy from taking hits).

I'd have to run this level *again*.

Urgh.

Now for, well, talking about the level. It took about three hundred tries, I reckon. *After* that damned beautiful 1:46 run. And then I got an ugly 1:43 run. And then I got a slightly less ugly, but also slightly less fast 1:44. Luckily, in the end, I got my coveted 1:40, but THREE HUNDRED tries to undo two minor mistakes?!

Okay. Now for *really* talking about the level.

It starts out with three ninjas waiting to beat Indy up, one on the floor, two on the stage. Basically, you have to first take out these three and *one* of the two that spawn to trigger a *sixth* ninja to open the door out.

So I use chairs to take out the first four ninjas seemingly effortlessly, but actually incredibly frustratingly, since The Collective saw fit to not only auto-aim attacks (annoying on a PC where you can DAMN WELL AIM YOURSELF), but to auto-aim them towards the nearest *object*. No, not enemy, objects. And since the chairs are standing next to a table, roughly 250 of those just as roughly 300 tries were me hitting a table with a chair. Grrr.

Anyway, I run away from ninja 5 and past ninja 6, as well as ninja waiters 7 and 8 and climb for the first cutscene, which I skip. However, Indy still runs and does his animation so it looks like I just stand there for a while.

I continue on to the first lever, rolling (slightly delayed) under ninja 9 who kindly jumps over me. Sweet guy. I squeeze past ninja 10 and nearly get punched by ninja 11 as I pull the lever. That enables ANOTHER LEVER!? What the hell!? What sense does *that* make!?

I can just see how a show works in this place:

Guy 1: You need to go open the curtains.

Guy 2: Do I pull this lever next to the curtain?

Guy 1: Nope, you have to climb to the third floor and activate a lever there.

Guy 2: And that opens the curtain?

Guy 1: Nope, it just turns on this lever. Then you come down here again and pull this lever. It's really logical when you think about it, dumbass.

...

Sigh. Anyway, I skip a huge chunk of level and all the following ninjas by running back to ninja 9, who kindly opened the door for me (What a guy!), climb the railing and fall down to the dance floor, ready to boogie. I run to the lever and kinda miss it at first, but pull it. Then I run for the stage where a waiter ninja with a Mauser is *not* waiting (also not waiting; boxes with ammo and medkit), thanks to the shortcut. Then I climb up top, rope across and roll into the next level.

Hong Kong 02:

*Unbelievably* painless level. Well. For now...

I just run from beginning to end. That's it. Nothing fancy.

Well, I jump on top of a couple of boxes. And roll off. That's it.

No, really, nothing more. What did you expect from 26 seconds of the shortest level in the game?

Hong Kong 03:

Rail gunner. Well. Fixed length, so no shortcuts. I shoot stuff. Gangster waiter ninja nazi cars and motorbikes, mostly. A couple of barrels. Yes, that's it.

Well, I could point out that I don't even *aim*, this silly console game does that for you. You only really have to point more or less in the right direction and shoot. And you've got unlimited ammo. Well.

That's it. For real.

Hong Kong 04:

Yes, *another* rail gunner. Didn't even bother running them more than once. No, still nothing to note.

Peng Lai Lagoon 01:

Whoa, fifth level completed in one day! Awesome-tastic.

Anyway, short, sweet, and full of sharks.

NA-NA! NANA-NANA!

Basically, I follow the standard route through the level with one minor exception; I do not pick up the oxygen tank. *Hopefully* that won't come back to haunt me.

Though, speaking of things coming back to haunt me, those nazi divers *still* have armbands. Tsk tsk tsk.

Anyway, I start the level off with swimming for and picking up the machete, (It's on the way, and you never know...) then swimming for and picking up the bomb (It's not on the way, and you never know... ...Ehm, actually you do, I need it.). Then I swim and plant the bomb. I come up for some air, take very slight damage from the blast, and swim for the end jumping puzzle. Which I complete. I get shot once by a nazi, but it's fairly minor. 'Tis but a scratch. Have at you!

Peng Lai Lagoon 02:

Probably among the first times the *level* is random. Let me explain. Oh *please*, let me explain, you know I want to. Come on. Please? Just a little explanation? A minor dissertation, if you will? I've got a lovely theorem out back, some old lady only used it to explain to churches on Sundays.

Yes, I knew you'd come around.

Okay. The randomness inherent to the level is as follows: Once you start gunning down the nazis with the MG-34; a) the number spawned is supposedly random, but is usually 12, b) their spawnplace is random, c) how long it takes for them to spawn is random, and d) when they choose to show their faces to the rather ill-advisedly placed MG-34 is random thanks to this game's lovely AI. Outside of that, this level's the usual trek. Or slog. Or... Trog. Dor. The burn-i-nator.

TROGDOOOR!

Right. I made some tests, as I am wont to do, just like Trogdor is wont to burninate peasants. And thatched-roof cottages.

I came up with:

MG-time of 60 seconds = bad

40 seconds = good

30 seconds = what I got on my first successful attempt.

This attempt was 2:33. Remember that. Yes, it *will* come up. Trogdor will probably too.

I checked around a little, and figured that I could cut some time by shooting the first ten nazis with the MG, and the last 3 with the Webley on foot (me on foot, the Webley shooting nazis, that is) so that I didn't have to run all the way from the MG when I finished them off. Okay, this presented a few new problems. Like it still being random. Which, come to think of it, isn't *new*. But me counting how many I'd shot turned out to be. Apparently I suck at counting. Then there's the issue of shooting three guys and *hitting*. And finally where they spawn; usually *behind* Indy, making the shortcut awkward.

Still, 2:26, not bad.

Then I figured out that I needed the Webley ammo for the next level. So I'd have to run it again, this time shooting them all from the MG *again*.

2:38. Sucky.

So I ran it a few more times.

2:27. Wow, only one second slower than a shortcut one! ...Except that my computer locked up before the next level loaded, probably screwing up between-levels continuity. Damn.

So I ran it a few *more* times.

2:21.

What the hell...?

No, I have no idea how that happened. Nothing really accounts for it. The opening MG-ing wasn't that fast, I sucked as usual throughout the level, I screwed up the minor crane-shortcut a bit, so...

2:21!?

Well, at least the level's done.

Oh, and by the way, the shortcuts were: Kill nazis (randomly) quickly, roll into the water instead of climbing to the rope-slide, leave the crane controls before it comes to a complete stop and roll from the crane to the end without picking up platforms and whatnot. Oh, and in the swimming bit I hug the wall and (seemingly) Indy goes into warp-speed every stroke. Funny. Faster too, maybe.

Peng Lai Lagoon 03:

This level was short and sweet. Completed same day as Peng Lai Lagoon 02.

And it would have burninating nazis, if I triggered the alarm. Ah, so when Trogdor was a dragon man, he was a nazi!

Burninating all the peasants, in their THATCHED-ROOF COTTAGEEES!

Okay. I jump over a fence down to a securi-door just before nazi #1, and I skip all the enemies except nazi #3-or-so, out of a group of three in which one has to be engaged to trigger the opening of the door to end the level. I guess. I suppose you don't have to *kill* him, but he had it coming. Probably burninated the countryside and whatnot.

Anyway, this run went so smoothly I didn't even find out if you *can* open the exit door when the alarm's on. Probably can. Or not.

Still, not going to stick around to find out. Moving swiftly along.

And the Trogdor comes in the NIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

Peng Lai Lagoon 04:

Whoa, did it again. Just like Peng Lai Lagoon 02, I completed this level unexpectedly quickly. In more ways than one, seeing as how it took *less* than the customary two hundred tries. Not even two dozen. And only slightly more than two!

Maybe like... Five. Or so.

Anyway...

As in Peng Lai Lagoon 02, there's an annoying killa-spawna-nazis-witha-MG bit, which I run past enemies to get to. And they don't set off the alarm *or* shoot me! Nice guys, these nazis. They even let chubby nazis in now, too. Inclusive people.

Anyway, the MG bit I measured, like in 02, and came up with roughly 35 seconds and 10 nazis. For some reason, in this run, 25 seconds. Well, not gonna argue with that. After the gunnin', I run past a few more spawnees (get shot once in the shoulder, inconsequentially) and pull off this level's only shortcut; jumping onto the side off the little hut and climbing up instead of climbing some ladder and jumping over the roof of that nice Mercedes Benz parked there. Yes, the truck.

I don't jump onto the front, or well, the other side, of the hut because they ledgegrab-blocked it. Hm, gots to remembers me that word. But they didn't ledgegrab-block (Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?) the side since that's where you'd be coming over the MB from.

MB....Mercedes Benz?

Yes, the truck!

Also, the hut's just a tad higher than you can jump up to *if you're standing*. Running-jumps have more height, or rather, more forgiving ledgegrab. So I run into the wall and jump and grab and go into the hut and pull the switch.

This next bit I actually researched some, and found out that:

Spectacular shortcut 1, jumping on the control panel and rolling out the window, is *exactly* as fast as going out the door, *if* you don't count the time you spend shooting out the window first. Sadly, not practical.

Spectacular shortcut 2, jumping onto the side of the hut again and jumping over the MB (TRUCK!) to the end, rather than doing the ladder, is in fact, much slower than just doing the ladder.

Aside from that, I clip a nazi when I get onto the stairs, and he shoots me in the back while I'm climbing to the level's exit.

Nazis. I hate these guys.

Peng Lai Lagoon 05:

Short, easy, but surprisingly annoying. Damn nazis.

I start off with skipping the cutscene. Like in, uhm, let's see, (puts scrollbar to use) Ceylon 05, I can wait a tiny bit before skipping the cutscene. Reason I didn't, apart from me doing it nine times out of ten from habit, is that it's *exactly* as fast as skipping the cutscene. *Exactly*. 3,6 seconds for either, to be precise.

Anyway, I move on to the first shortcut: Rolling into cutscene. If you pay close attention you can see Indy flying out the vent in a funny manner. Ti-hi.

Second shortcut: I wait a tiny bit before shooting nazi in the back, to let *him* open the door for me. And that's how I repay him. I run on to the obligatory silly lever, pull it, run past nazi coming out of doorway and whip across, over probably the most shiny U-boat in the world. A U-boat which, apart from looking not like a pre-war model, also has a snorkel, definitely *not* pre-war.

Here, I *did* measure that the fastest route was to take the uniform first, then the papers. I shoot the nazi in the stairs 'cause I felt like it, really, and 'cause I needed his bullets to break the window later on. Now, I *could* have used a Webley bullet, or one of the bullets I got from door-opening nazi, *but* I'd be left with either one useless Webley bullet (need two for most nazis) or two or so Mauser bullets (you need three). Besides, he was in the way.

Anyway, I run back after the uniform, break the window, confuse you all, take the papers, skip cutscene, and jump onto some console and roll out the window, and run out with the exit alarms glaring and packing heat. Seemingly, one of these two causes problems in the next level. *But* I don't feel like running this level again to not even save any time.

Now it's on to "The High Road To Peng Lai".

...No, there's no hope of me not singing "Bonnie Banks o' Loch Lomond" with altered words.

Peng Lai Mountain 01:

This level took 131 tries. So now you know.

Rather remarkably, this level has *no* shortcuts. None. Except for one that's not really a shortcut, which is jumping from the slide straight to the edge instead of catching the ledge. But hard to do. Hence it did not end up being done. But *almost*. *Almost*...

Also remarkable, and also not in the video, is a Red Dwarf reference. The pair of nazis talking (or fighting Indy in this run) in the little office which for some reason has a switch for *only* Crate Room #2, (probably why they had to pry open the vent on top of Crate Room #1 and blast a hole in the wall between #2 and #3; to get in) are saying "That was Indiana Jones! We're lucky to be alive!" (only in German). It's a quote from Red Dwarf: "That was Ace Rimmer! We're lucky to be alive!" The quote also matches in German (except for Ace/Indy, naturally) but is for some reason spoken *really* fast.

And here's one more thing that's also not in the run and is *also* not a shortcut: You can run along the left side of the room to bypass the whipping. Shame it's ten seconds slower than just pulling the lever, though.

I should also point that this level has another one of those nice Mercedes Benz trucks, and that these trucks are shiny. Even their rubber tires are *shiny*. What *is* it with this game and shiny things? Are the game designers magpies?

Anyway, no shortcuts, nothing to note outside of those things, straight on to Peng Lai Mountain 02, and then...

Oh! ye'll take the High Road and

I'll take the low road,

And I'll be in Peng Lai Mountain afore ye;

But me and my true love

Will never meet again

On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Peng Lai Lagoon.

Peng Lai Mountain 02:

And this level took more than three hundred tries. So now you know and hopefully feel some degree of pity for the fool that undertook this speedrun. *Do* you pity the fool? Come on, pity the fool at least a *little*. Bah, heartless non-fool-pitying jerks.

Anyway, this level's three hundred tries were due to the Istanbul 01-effect: Level starts out with some must-be-killed guys and few tools for the job. Although that's mostly my doing for not picking up any in previous levels. Ah well.

I start out with a 1337 quick-select of the Mauser, open a door and gun down an officer with my remaining 3 bullets (in many runs, the other guy), pick up *his* 3 bullets (in many runs, 1 or 2) and shoot the second guy (in many runs, the wall), and jump off the platform (and of course, in many runs, into the wall). Although I *should* point out that it's strictly speaking not necessary to gun any of those guys down, it's just *extremely* unlikely I'd make it to the alarm door before they turn *on* the alarm. Bah. But I do, and immediately run for a box containing a much-needed medkit. I run up to the level's first lever, and run on to the ropeswing/whipping. I select the whip, uhm, eat (?) a medkit on the way, and jump on the box. I jump into the chain-swing, turn 90 degrees and whip to the fan (and in many runs, fail to land on the edge) and roll under said fan (in many runs, *not*). I run to big-ass shortcut #1; roll down to some generic machinery instead of catwalk-trek. I run to a door and the next lever, roll past an officer (awkwardly) and run to the generic floor-with-electric-arcing-maze-like-in-every-game-ever-made, and use big-ass shortcut #2; jump on the edge of some slope and run past. I run to the end lever (and opening of level) through a crapload of doors, and after said lever, punch the window out, drop down and roll to the generic cable-car-section-like-in-every-game-since-Half-Life-and-also-the-movie-Where-Eagles-Dare.

A major annoyance was that I had *one* run that was perfect up until smashing the window, which took three tries. That run was 1:31. Another hundred or two later: 1:30. ...Sigh.

Peng Lai Mountain 03:

As far as I know, "Terror at 2000 Feet" is a reference to some Twilight Zone episode called "Nightmare at 20000 Feet", where I think William Shatner was some guy on a plane with some goblin eating the wing, or something. I guess. And it just goes to show that The Collective even suck at *quoting* titles. So anyway, show of hands for how many who cared?

...Oh.

Anyway, I start by skipping the opening cutscene somewhat needlessly, since the only difference is I control Indy instead of watching what happens cutscenically. I was *thinking* of doing some North By Northwest reference with Indy looking at the Messerschmidts approaching, turning to under-angled camera and running, like Cary Grant does with the crop duster. Cary Grant 0wnZ j00 4ll.

But I decided against it, as the first time I tried I ran off the cable car dealie. So I guess you'll have to use your imagination. Anyway, I basically just jump across to the second cable car, throw the two nazis off, take their ammo and spend the rest of the level machine-gunning anachronistically painted and not properly marked Messerschmidt BF-109s out of the sky. Actually, I shoot a total of 59 BF-109s out of the sky. And let 7 slip, most of which I then shoot down at a later time.

Let's just review their strategy, shall we?

1. Let Indiana Jones make off with a cable car. Have said cable car slowly ride on to an inexplicably broken point in the cable to fall off.
2. Instead of letting Indy stay on doomed cable car, pull second cable car up alongside. Equip cable car with machine gun and staff it with two inept soldiers.
3. Once Indy makes off with *second* car, instead of cutting the power, the wires, or waiting at the other end of the ride with a god-damn tank or anything, attack it with state-of-the-art fighter planes.
4. Send a total of 60 such planes, one at a time, to attack the cable car with machine guns and *not* bombs, and with explicit orders *not* to fire on the guy on top.
5. Also give them instructions to *not* evade fire, but instead fly in a straight line towards the machine gun.
6. Also also give them orders to open fire at spitting distance instead of the more sensible quarter-mile or so distance.
7. As a total of 60 planes were blown out of the sky, do not prepare for Indy's arrival at the end of the line. Just have a couple of guards. That'll be plenty. Indy'll never overpower them.

Peng Lai Mountain 04:

Right. This is one of those levels where I start out with low demands, get a middlin run, heighten my demands, get an okay run, and then finally ramp up my demands to the point where it drives me to the brink of insanity just to get, at the end, "good enough". Bah.

I started out with the following: Shoot must-die-to-proceed enemies, get shot, get to end of level. Accomplished this in a few runs, at 2:20-something.

Continued with: Grab MP-40 'n ammo, shoot must-die-to-proceed enemies *quickly*, don't get shot *much*, get to end of level. 1:59.

Ended up with: Break both boxes with MP and ammo, roll said, shoot enemy #1 in half a mag, reload, roll his Mauser, run across to enemy #2, shoot said before he *finishes* activating the alarm, climb ledge, roll his Mauser, cutscene, switch to MP, gun down enemies #3 and #4 in one mag or less, roll both their ammos, select MP and reload, shoot enemy #5 and grab his MP, first-person-aim at door, reload, shoot enemy #6 and box behind him, pick up medkit and roll his Mauser, reload Mauser, open door, run and break corner box and pick up medkit, turn and shoot enemies #7 and #8 without missing, break another box and pick up MP-ammo and pick up their Mausers on-the-run, run to next box, break, and roll MP-ammo, select MP and reload, jump onto box, climb, jump to shed-thingie, run into hole, open door, run after chubby nazi and shoot him once he's started opening the door, spray room and open door, roll past catwalk-nazi and open exit door.

All without getting shot.

That took about 300 tries. And I had three minor flaws all the same; clumsy pick-up of first medkit, missing breaking last box on the first try, getting shot once in last room.

Final time: 1:51. Sigh.

Peng Lai Mountain 05:

17 tries. Including the successful one. Such a breeze compared to the last one. Creepy.

This level's main trick, and only trick really, was fairly complex to uncover.

As usual, I started out with the (usual) jumping-off-high-places-to-not-quite-so-high-places in the hopes of reaching the ground. And then not immediately dying. Or, as The Collective weren't very elegant in blocking off places you weren't supposed to go; die mid-air. The rush of the ground approaching must give Indy heart attacks or something. "HIIIAAAAAARGH!"

One such place they'd blocked off was the cable-support-dealie. Jump across to it = "HIIIAAAAAARGH!"

So I figured I'd check to see what happened if I jumped over to it later in the level, from the other side of the room.

"HIIIAAAAAARGH!" = FALSE

Handy. I also found out I could roll straight from the other side of the whipping instead of jumping over the flamethrowernazi-guarded railing. So I played around some on the cable support and found that if I shimmied the ledge and dropped down to the lowest part of the support, I could Guard Mode-walk to the outer edge, and run off to land on the edge of the lever's platform. In the end, I had a bit of luck in landing on the edge of said platform, potentially saving a wee bit of time from taking damage. Or not. But it looks frikkin' sweet.

And that was the first 35 seconds of the level. The rest I stand waiting for the stupid cable car to arrive, and once on it, I wait for it to proceed. The game actually ends the level quicker if you shoot down the Messerschmidts (you'd have thought they'd learned their lesson by now, but no). But anyway, Peng Lai finished!

Black Dragon Fortress 01:

Well well. Lost all my ammo before this level. And the weather changed. Indy must've taken his sweet time getting to this fortress, which it must be said is placed most uselessly for a fortress. What exactly is it supposed to defend?

Fortress-designing architect: "Congratulations King Kong Tien, I mean Emperor Kong Tien, now your desolate mountain top is entirely impregnable!"

And what's up with all the scaffolding as well? Are they redecorating? And why is there scaffolding in severely inaccessible places? How do the ninjas get around?

Sigh.

Anyway, this level only really has two tricks. Annoyingly, it *is* possible to roll across to the end of the level pretty much from the start, *but* they've placed a kill-field there, I guess to prevent just that. Outside of that one, which doesn't count, the first trick is straight from GameFAQs, and that is to run off the first section of scaffolding down to a whipping, which when whipped will waste whipper, uh, what? Then a quick climb to annoying enemy section #1 (navigating scaffolding with two ninjas running around after you *and* Fight Cam), mess up getting on the vines a bit, and up to trick #2: Jumping off the fortress wall down to a small roof below, slide off that (in a jerky manner) down to low wall underneath, run off *that* and land on a nice and decorative archway (no doubt installed with scaffolds) and finally down to this level's stupid switch #1. Pull that while getting stabbed in the back with spears. Run to lever (catching a corner a bit, and not having door opened by nice ninja exiting) and pull it, while getting twirly-speared in back. Then an awkward run to the end of the level.

Interestingly enough, all of Black Dragon Fortress was completed in one day.

Black Dragon Fortress 02:

More scaffolding!?

Here I roll for all I'm worth, saving considerable time otherwise lost to wading in the waist-deep water. I came up with the shortest being six rolls and no wading outside of turning. Then I run past a ninja to the bomb, and run past him (awesomely, with him chasing with spear in-camera) to some SCAFFOLDING, which when climbed brings me to a crossbow-ninja. I punch him off the SCAFFOLDING to keep him from shooting me in the back, and whip across to yet more SCAFFOLDING, highlights of which include jumping over another crossbow-ninja's head and planting a bomb, with usual cool looking-around-corner. Level finished. Interestingly enough, this was the first attempt. Ever. Got it in one. I tried it 62 more times to cut a corner or two, but didn't manage to complete it again so I stopped bothering. Probably not even a second to gain, really.

Black Dragon Fortress 03:

*MORE* SCAFFOLDING!?!?

Here, I break a box and take a Tiger Skin Potion for the boss fight to follow. At this point, I had actually planned *two* levels ahead! That's a new record! Anyway, I continue with a whipping across to some GOD DAMN SCAFFOLDING, where instead of wallhugging I roll across. Probably faster. Then a whipping across to a rope-climb, where I climb to the top and jump off to the ledge at the top of that level, probably saving a millisecond or so.

I run past the ninjas, one of which gets shot by his TK-ing crossbow-ninja friend. I take the elevator up, run past some more ninjas, and skip a small jumping puzzle: Instead of jumping across to a cage, waiting for it to lower, jumping across to next and then whipping, I just jump on a ledge and run across. Take that, scaffolding-like puzzle! With the Tiger Skin Potion selected, I open the door to the exit. Here, there would usually be a pair of ninjas guarding, but I guess they don't spawn 'cause I didn't kill any of the other ninjas or something.

Black Dragon Fortress 04:

First, a small task for you viewers: When Indy starts drinking the potion, start humming the Popeye theme.

"I'm Indy the Archaeologist Man! Indy the Archaeologist Man! I'm strong to the finish 'cause I drinks me Tiger Skin Potion!"

...Right. I run and grab a sword and promptly kick the asses of those twins in less than 27 seconds. I even kick them when they're down!

Then there's the cutscene where the floor gives way for the dumbest level of the game yet. "Slip Slidin' Away"

...I mean "Descent Into Darkness". Yeah.

Stupid level.

It makes me angry at that Marshall Kai dude for building it, or rather living in the stupid fortress on top of it.

KHAAAN! I mean, KAAAI!

"Indiana Jones and the Emperor's Tomb: Episode II: The Wrath of Kai"

Temple of Kong Tien 01:

"Temple of Kong Tien"? What about "Forehead of Kong Tien" or "Cheekbone of Kong Tien"?

Ah well. In my defense, that pun certainly wasn't any stupider than this level. I mean, *what* possible architectural purpose is it supposed to serve? Is it *supposed* to be an entrance? Why's it boarded up? Why aren't there *stairs* down? *WHY* traps!? What were they expecting!? Why not just block off the bottom and let trespassers starve to death, or better yet; place an unavoidable big spiky wall at the bottom to slide into. Or why just not putting all the traps in such a configuration that you can't just narrowly slide between them. Come on! Just put two flamethrowers facing each other and that'd be it! Why!? Just WHY!? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS LEVEL SUPPOSED TO BE!? GOD DAMN YOU, THE COLLECTIVE! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

With that said, here's what I did this level: Slided. Or wait. Is it "slad"? "Slod"? "Slode"? Definitely "slode". Yes, I *slode*. Seems about right.

There is *one* trick I discovered. While sloding, if you jump, then jump again when you land, there's occasionally an *extreme* boost in speed. Sufficient to traverse a whole sub-slide in one jump, in principle.

In practice, however, you can't get two jumps chained without landing on a trap (WHY!?!?), and you might still land on one at the bottom. I do *one* of these slide boosts unintentionally diagonally along a wall. (...Unintentionally diagonally alongally a wally?)

Outside of that, I take some tiny damage at one flame thrower.

STUPID LEVEL SLODDEN!

Temple of Kong Tien 02:

Urgh. Nasty little level. And, of course, once again I have to fight an annoying lot of enemies unarmed, Istanbul 01-like. Bah.

This level starts off with me skipping the opening cutscene. *Not* skipping the opening cutscene means you can manoeuvre into position on zombie ninja #1 when he spawns. However, waiting, and then waiting, is not a good speedrun strategy.

I beat up zombie ninja #1 and dispose of ninja #2 in record time. I then proceed to gracelessly mess up climbing out, but keep going. At this time, the schedule is to be inside ninja #3's crypt before the music gets to the DALEDALALALA-DANNDANNDANNDANN-DANNDANNDANNDANN-bit. I get to it about halfway into beating up ninja #3 (after stealing his Tiger Strength potion, all graverobbing-like). Ninja #4 I spawn-camp and dispose of. I select the Tiger Strength Potion and start drinking it as I enter the trigger for fight #2. Cutscene skipped for your convenience. I run into ninja #2a's crypt, beat him up with a four-punch combo and steal his sword (again with the grave-robbing). I sword ninja #1a (SWORD'D!), miss ninjas #3a and #4a on the first couple swings but get them in the end. Schedule here is about half-Tiger-Strength-Potion-left-ish, and I'm a tiny bit behind. I catch a corner getting to the gong mallet, which after rolled, I fail to hit the gong with, followed by not falling into the hole on cue. Not very slick.

Two ninjas fall to their deaths. Occasionally I'd get all three and a nice little fanfare, but not this time. So sad...

This next bit I follow the standard route, picking up a health potion inside one zombie's grave (I know, I know, grave-robbing) and holster/unholster the Blue Torch a bunch. To show off the clear stupidity of the item. Up, up and segue!

Okay, you pick up a gong mallet and mallet the gong (yes, that was a puzzle by this game's standards). You are awarded by plunging to fiery death. But wait, you narrowly escape to a room with a one-of-a-kind torch and a lamp! You take ill-placed torch which you can freely holster without catching fire, and light a lantern that is *not* part of this level's stupid massive lantern-lighting-orgy before proceeding to the rest of them. ...Why, The Collective? Just why?

Segue over.

Anyway, I step on one electrified plate, get punched a bit at lantern #3 (and overhear them punching each other). I fail in running off second level and landing on raised "sidewalk" in front of exit, but strike gold in having the ninja zombies keep the door open from way back earlier in the level. Level finished, not a particularly *pretty* run, but at 18 seconds less than "ugly" definitely a keeper. And it only took two-three hundred tries!

Temple of Kong Tien 03:

Urgh. Again! But not as urgh as last level. That level urghed significantly more than this one. Maybe two, three times the urgh of this one. The urgh of the previous level can be given the urgh-ratio of urgh=[2,3] when index-adjusted to this level's urgh.

Anyway.

*This* level, instead of the trued and tested Istanbul 01 approach of throwing enemies at you, *then* a massive trek with nasty puzzles (and nastier tricks), exchanges all that for the exact opposite.

*Two* minutes of trekkin' and puzzlin' and trickin' (and very little treatin'), *then* you have to whoop the zombified ninja asses of *two* groups of enemies. *And* the supposed wonder-weapon the PaCheng is actually *slower* than fists and Tiger Strength Potion! Bah.

It starts off with stupid puzzle #1: Rotating platforms *not* conceptually stolen from Super Mario games. Really, there's no similarity. *Completely* Indy all the way, this.

I drink some water (needlessly), drink the gun (for comic relief), and holster/unholster the torch some to switch off the platform light. For comic relief. Trick #1: Activating both torches #1 and #2 *before* torch #1's cutscene starts, and here we're talking maybe one *frame* to do it in. But I do. After both cutscenes, I jump into the bottomless pit for *more* comic relief (you teleport to the beginning of the platform puzzle, annoyingly; it's possible to get halfway across before that, but ultimately useless).

I run into the camera to jump after the first three jumps, because the camera re-orients itself every platform revolve cutscene. (You'd think we'd *get* that the platforms are rotating because of their animations, the blue/red light on them and the sound, but *no*, The Collective wants directorial oversight to show us the action *every* damn time! ...Except for the first three. And the last one. But *come on*!)

After opening the door to the main chamber and slipping through, I have a bad case of cutscene stick. I run to puzzle #2: Stupid transparent path puzzle, *also* entirely Indyesque and not in any way SuperMariotastic.

I run across with the aid of Stupid Blue Torch and activate torch #3. I *could* activate #4 as well just as with #1 and #2, *but* I don't because of this trick: After activating #4 I jump on the now moving invisible path just before the cutscene starts. I run across without waiting for any platforms but the last, which I roll off. I pause a bit at the door to not catch the corner. I have luck with the puzzle, and go the right way every revolve; every level restart it is in a random position.

I walk away from the animation, wait through the cutscene, then roll the PaCheng and run to the door, holstering/unholstering as I go. I long-range zombie #1, pummel both by luck, get pummelled by zombie #2 (who also hits #1). I take out #1, but get hit by #2 and #1's ghost. I long-range ghost #1, but get thrown to the ground by #2. I pummel *him*, but take a few hits from recently spawned #3. I long-range #2 and get pummelled by #3 *again*. I pummel #3, and hit both him, his ghost and #2. I pummel #3 away, and #4 swipes me in the back. I miss him with the first few punches, but get him in the end.

I run on, hitting one electrified tile on the way. I clumsily circumvent zombies #5 and #6, and get to the endfight.

I long-range #7, and we both punch each other when he recovers. He then jumps back, and hits me with some swipes. I long-range him and #8, whom I run around and long-range again, having ghosted both. I hit ghost #7 while aiming for #8, and hit ghost #8 while aiming for zombie #9. #9 falls to a couple blows, and his ghost to a long-range. I long-range #10 but miss, and instead pummel him and his ghost. I long-range #11, and pummel him away, and then run away from his ghost, ghosts #12 and #13, and zombies #5 and #6, who all fail to stop me from getting to Temple of Kong Tien 04!

Temple of Kong Tien 04:

Exclamation mark!

Boss fight!

Easy!

Took five tries or less!

Or your money back!

Anyway, the tactic for this level was fairly easy: Not get hit, long-range everything, only once stand behind a pillar that'll be destroyed in one demon-laserbeam and immediately return-fire with long-range, and in a sentence worthy of quoting from my condensed notes:

"Using PaCheng shield, bounce electric demon-balls into ghosts."

...Quite frankly, I'd have been mildly surprised, if back several months ago when I started this run, someone had come up to me, and said "you're going to bounce electric demon-balls".

Anyway, this surprisingly attractive demon, the three balls from which it draws power, and the electric demon-balls it shoots, is now history. Really, really weird history.

Hm... Have to flesh out this note some more. It's rather short.

What do you do with a demon with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the ghost.

...I think. We don't have baseball over here so I'm not sure. Oh well.

The Emperor's Tomb 01:

Indiana Jones and THE EMPEROR'S TOMB! ...Finally.

This level is notable for not having shortcuts. No real ones, anyway.

I fall in the spike pit, and do various things to pass the time between climbs. Such as spinning (badly), pulling up so close to being smooshed that Indy gets hit and wants to fight the spiky slabs of stone, and then finally I jump to the ledge and pull up. In the next section I whip away without waiting for the flames (as if you'd expect me to), and I get caught on a corner some and catch fire exiting the section.

In the electric balls section (hm, more electric balls) I do *not* use the skulls. Instead I just walk *really* close to being zapped and activate the zapping without being zapped (by the electric balls). I roll a health potion, and roll through the second to last zap-field taking damage, before moving on to finish the level. Done.

The Emperor's Tomb 02:

Blargh, more enemies than Istanbul 01! Blargh! BLARGH! HONK HONK! BLARGH!

I start off with sipping some life-hooch before I take on three ninjas unarmed. Now, here's this first trick: I fling them off the level. That way, aside from being fairly effective, I keep the ghosts from possessing them, saving stupid slow possession animation and killing the ghost zombie ninjas. (Hm... By Monkey Island 4, they'd gotten up to "ghost zombie demon politician pirate LeChuck", would "ninja" be added to the mix for a Monkey Island 5?) Although slow with the tossing of ninjas (except for the dumb-ass who backflipped himself into oblivion) into bottomless pits, I *am* quick on the PaChenging of ghosts.

Now for next bit. Silly unseen trap puzzle. Which is *completely* unseen in this video, because I run through it without the Mirror of Whatsit or Whatever. Because:

1. It's 1337, and shows off my 1337n355 in going through a deadly puzzle unseen and unharmed. And verily thou shall bow down for my uberness, for I have out1337ed you all!
2. It looks better. And funnier. And slightly puzzling, I'll admit. And verily shall thou, uh, gaze in awe at the puzzlance?
3. ...Okay, I'm too clumsy to select the Mirror of Dealie without getting smooshed. That's why. Seriously, the default PC controls require three hands! WASD to move, mouse to look, and arrow keys to select and whatnot. ...Or mouse wheel and T key, but like I said I'm clumsy enough as it is.

Anyway, I roll through the first trap (carefully timed, observe the camera [ehm, like you'd *not* observe the camera] as I pass) and jump the spikes badly. I *think* it isn't possible to get through the next smooshing trap without waiting, which is what I do. I make Indy do some twitching as I wait, looks better than standing there, and I'm *sure* I'll get through when they open. The next trick is mentioned on GameFAQs, but I refined it some: GameFAQs said to jump across to the wall on the other side, make your way onto the invisible wall, and then jump across the next to the switch. I instead jump straight across to the invisible wall, across the next and to the switch. Saved some unseen crap, there.

I waterbottle a bit while waiting for What's-her-face and look at her approach.

In this next enemy-bit, my strategy was, originally, to shoot both of these ninjas after Mei-Ying deswords them, then shoot one of the next spawnees before turning to throwing knives for in-close fighting and PaCheng for ghosts 'n zombies. Unfortunately, that strategy didn't work at all well.

Instead I disarmed the first ninja myself (Bloody useless women ninjas. Ought to be in the ninja kitchen cooking ninja dinner for the ninja men, they should.) and shot him, then beat up the second ninja (on my own, bah). Then the stupid defend-the-inept-woman-against-hordes-of-enemies-section, where I shoot the first two ninjas and beat up the third. Unfortunately, they *all* turn into zombies but I am surprisingly effective with the PaCheng this run. For me.

Speaking of which, my first successful run was 2:44. I thought "well, I'll run it a hundred times or so, shave off maybe ten seconds", and then ruined *that* plan by getting a 2:58. Another hundred or so runs, a final 2:33. Finally.

The Emperor's Tomb 03:

Three tries. I think.

I start off with a PaCheng-toss at ninja #1. I proceed to beat him up, and while beating up ninja #2 I accidentally elbow ghost #1. Hah. I punch air twice after beating up ninja #2. On the way to the terra cotta soldiers I holster/unholster the PaCheng. I roll into the cutscene, of course. In the fight I punch a fair bit of air, but that's to be expected in a fistfight.

Sadly, I found no shortcuts in this puzzle; although it *is* extremely easy to roll from platform #1 to platform #3, theoretically skipping puzzles #1 and #2, the level is sadly enough scripted so that puzzle #1 *enables* #2, and so on. Bah. I semi-wrote-down, semi-memorized the sequences and got through the level.

The Emperor's Tomb 04:

Ten tries. I know for a fact.

This level was such an incredible nightmare on my first playthrough way back when this game was new, and now such a breeze. On average, about a hundred or two less tries than usual. Ah...

Although conceptually, this level's just bad. It should have started with a cutscene with some alarm flashing "CONSOLE! CONSOLE! CONSOLE!", 'cause that's what it is. At least not as bad as the Slip Slidin' Away level, though. And the tank's kind of nicely modelled. Although it's actually completely incorrect on so many levels:

1. The tank *clearly* drives over the holes in the level. It *would* have fallen in.
2. It's a TBM, Tunnel Boring Machine, and as such the drill head has to be *larger* than the tank. Otherwise, it wouldn't be able to get into the tunnels it's boring. Yes, I know, boring.
3. It has a grabby crane, purposeless on a TBM. It also doesn't *do* anything, like attack Indy or anything.
4. The ass-end looks suspiciously much like a Sherman, the most American of tanks ever made. And the least German of tanks, as well. Speaking of which; in the documentary series Crusade in Europe they featured WWII propaganda from "North Africa" in which an M3 Stuart charges into battle, turns into a M4 Sherman when a shell supposedly "happens to" land in frame, and then turns to fire at a German panzer which looks in no way like the exact same Sherman with a cardboard turret stuck on top and some swastikas here and there.
5. Speaking of which; *why* not use a regular tank? Or why not just *not* have MP-40s lying around, instead using them to shoot Indy? Or: How about smashing up those convenient decorative archways so Indy'd fall to his death?

Or why not just park the tank across the path so he can't proceed!? AND DOESN'T VON BECK THINK IT'S A BAD IDEA TO DRIVE OFF A LEDGE INTO CERTAIN DEATH!?!? DON'T BORING PANZERS HAVE BREAKS!?!?

Sigh...

The Underworld 01:
15 tries. Fact.

I start off by rolling decoratively into frame for the first cutscene (hah). I then move into position for...

...The bouncing of electric blue ghost balls. The ghost fails to give me balls before he sends off two ghosts for the statues, so I move farther back to bounce more safely. I then run around the slow-moving statues and bounce the second ball.

I then twist the pillars and jump across to Electric Blue Ghost Ball Bouncing #2, where I repeat what I did last. I clumsily circumvent the two statues before moving to pillartwisting #2, where I do it in the *fastest* order (I switch pillars 2 and 3) and move across.

In Bouncing #3 I just barely bounce the second ball before a statue moves in behind me.

More pillar-twisting, and then Electric Blue Ghost Ball Bouncing #4, where things go badly; I move out on the ledge for a clean bounce, which I get, but I'm hit twice by statues, rather awesomely *just* missing falling off. Because of that, and that I didn't miss any balls to bounce and thus lost no time, I left it in.

I twist the pillars slightly out of order by accident, but didn't lose time.

I run and jump and whip across to...

The Underworld 02:

6 tries. Irrefutable fact.

This level starts off with a completely unnecessary Adventure Mode, although I'd say all the Adventure Modes were. Except if they'd had one in the Temple of Neptune. And if it instead of Neptune had been Poseidon, the same guy but different ancient civilization. And then it'd have been The Poseidon Adventure Mode! ...Ehm.

I go through the Adventure Mode as intended (and constantly annoyed by the fact that the floating platforms are *clearly* in range of even a *tiny* jump), except for just rushing through the strangely harmless electric beams. In the final terra cotta soldier fight, which I've been too lazy to write about until now, I have so-so luck. I kept it in mostly because What's-her-face yells "Behind you Indy!" when there's *actually* someone behind him that you can see! What luck!

Outside of that, a straight fight. And outside of *that*, what's the deal with Indy's eyes? Glowing red? Isn't that bad? Is Indy evil now? Or does he just need eye-drops? Or *did* he use eye-drops that happened to be radioactive? Or Predator-blood? That's been mixed with some kind of red blood since Predator blood is green? Although that mixture would actually make black, so Indy's probably just evil. EEEEEEVIIIL!

The Underworld 03:

9 tries. A fact, although possibly refutable. Sixth level completed today! And completed along with the entirety of Indiana Jones and the Emperor's Tomb! Yee-haw!

I just run from charging station to charging station, whip selected for trek purposes (which reverts to the PaDealie on charging/teleport), throw at Kai (KAAAAAAI!) and have luck at the final throw, when he spawns inside elbow's reach. And now the game's over! And I didn't even mention the dragon possibly burninating the thatched-roof pagodas!

IT'S OVER!

And if you enjoyed these *seriously* overwritten notes, run, don't walk, to your nearest SpeedDemosArchive forum and gaze at the thread I made and continuously updated parallel to this. Why, that parallel updating makes the perfect parallelogram! Emperor's Tomb thread.

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