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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  February 5, 2011 12:00am-1:05am PST

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enlightning look. that's our report for tonight. for all of us at abc news, good night, america, and have a great weekend. >> dicky: tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- amy poehler. >> jimmy: do you mind taking drugs from the host of a show? >> i don't give a [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: the octo-mom's kids turned 2 today. time to get them some little brothers and sisters, don't you think? >> dicky: martha plimpton. >> bang! >> dicky: with music from cold war kids. >> jimmy: happy anniversary to us and, yes, we are expecting sex. >> dicky: "jimmy kimmel live," sex. >> dicky: "jimmy kimmel live," coming up next. septic backups can cost about six thousand dollars in expense, and countless hours of repair.
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>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel, and i'm a man. men know a lot of things, but for me, going to the jewelry store is scarier than going to prison. that's why god gave us blue it educating men and givens you the tools to build the engagement ring of your girl's dreams. now, i have a friend named mike. mike is one of, if not the cheapest men on the planet earth. that's mike in the green room. he can't hear us. he got in a car accident. rather than having air plagbags replaced, he drove around with them deflated for two years. mike bought his condo from one
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of the guys on a street corner spinning an arrow. i'm not kidding. this is mike's girlfriend doreen. lucky lady. mike met her after my girlfriend paid for his sub skrips for a dating website. he was too cheap to pay for it himself. when blue nile asked if there's anyone at our show that wants to propose on the air, mike said, i would, give me a ring. they said, all right, you cheap bastard. and now, here we are. doreen has no idea what's about to happen. put microphone on mike. mike and doreen? can you hear me? hello? mike? doreen, can you hear me? >> hello, jimmy. >> jimmy: we're on television right now, doreen. look at the camera right there. there you go. mike has something he'd like to ask you. >> i do have something i want to ask but first, i want to say this. doreen. you are the most special person in the world to me. so beautiful and amazing.
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the more time i spend with you, the more time i want to spend time with you, i love you very much and i want to ask this question. will you marry me? yes, honey, it's a ring. let me see your finger. oh, look. >> jimmy: she hasn't answered the question yet. >> yes! >> answer the question. >>yes! >> jimmy: i don't want to ruin the moment, but can i make one suggestion in take that ring and run as fast as you can because you might never get another gift ever again. well, there they are, the happy couple, mike and doreen. thanks to blue >> dicky: blue nile. for a man who knows his diamonds. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with martha plimpton, music from the cold back in two minutes with martha plimpton, music from the cold war kids and amy poehler.
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in my bank account-- for me, it really does matter. especially right now. times are hard. we want to get back every dime due. [ announcer ] if you're not using h&r block, you could be leaving money on the table. call 1-800-hrblock, and never settle for less. here's the gum for the rest of the time. dentyne pure. it purifies your breath deliciously instead of just covering it up. dentyne pure. practice safe breath. instead of just covering it up. but women have made olay #1. not surgical results, regenerist is the #1 anti-aging serum and the #1 anti-aging moisturizer. not drastic. just fantastic, younger-looking skin with olay regenerist.
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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- amy poehler. from "raising hope," martha plimpton. and music from cold war kids. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, one last thing -- here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: thank you, cleto. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thank you for coming. it's -- it's a special night for us here tonight. it's our anniversary. we started on the air january 26th, 2003. eight years ago, on super bowl sunday. i was totally overwhelmed. i had no idea what was happening. and i certainly didn't think i'd still be here today. i shouldn't say that. i thought it would be here but i assumed i'd be out front of the theater dressed as spider-man taking pictures with you for a dollar. i tell you, it's weird to see yourself age on television. i don't feel like i'm older or any different but we found this picture. this is from our first night on the air. and -- [ laughter ] my hair was longer. and that was before i wore a tie. a lot has changed since we started. and not just my
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cutie-patootie-ness. i was thinking about it today. in 2003, there was no facebook. there was no iphone. a text was a book you had to read for school. a tweet was something barbara walters gave her dog. it was different. [ laughter ] you know, every anniversary has a traditional gift. for the eighth year, you give bronze, i guess. so, this was nice. this morning, my staff pitched in and gave me a snooki. [ cheers and applause ] you know, i tell you something, eight years ago in 2003, there was no snooki. can you imagine? how did they even do things? so, anyway, happy anniversary to us, and, yes, we are expecting sex later. president obama gave the annual state of the union address last night and it ended with the most shocking rose ceremony yet. the president did a very good job, i think, of capturing the mood of the american public. he says he understands people
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are angry. not just people, but birds. we have angry birds in this country. and he feels their pain. i learned something new at the state of the union addresses every year. did you know east virginia isn't a state? obama promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks, which, i think he's just being overly sensety about his ears, but -- he also said we have to win the future. he said that seven different times. i'd settle on tying the future, personally. i don't like to get greedy. i'm not even sure what that means. i think it means that medical marijuana is now legal in washington, d.c., and -- [ applause ] because it sounds like something he came up while he was stoned watching "tron." you know, before the president gives the state of the union address, they have him make an entrance like a boxer. he walks through the audience and shakes hands and makes nice. people try to talk to him while he's walking and i always wonder what they're saying. you can't hear them.
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but we were able to boost the audio. listen closely. you can make out some of what is being said. >> mr. speaker, the president of the united states! >> how are you? >> have a good speech, mr. president, okay? try not to [ bleep ] this one up. >> how are you? i'm bald. >> i have to let you in on a little secret. i'm wearing a diaper. >> hey, i want to ask you, how do you like my new combover? it looks natural, right? >> i had to, my wife was getting a rash. >> i hate you. >> jimmy: well, you know, some wounds never heal. [ cheers and applause ] you know, there's a lot of talk, a lot was made of the fact that instead of sitting on opposite sides of the room last night, some lawmakers decided to sit with members of the opposing
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party, to give us the ill lose that they care about us, not them. usually every 20 seconds or so, one whole side of the room stands up. the democrats will clap and the other half crosses their arms and frowns. there were still differences in opinion, of course, but this time around, it was more spread out. >> our troops come from every corner of this country. they're black, white, latino, asian, native american. they are christian and hindu, jewish and muslim. and yes, we know that some of them are gay. starting this year, no american will be forbidden from serving the country they love because of who they love. [ applause ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know -- sometimes you don't have to ask, you can just tell. [ applause ]
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now after the state of the union, a member of the opposing political party gives a rebuttal. last night, wisconsin congressman paul ryan gave the official republican rebuttal. while he was doing that, michele bachmann delivered her own rebuttal on behalf of the tea party. and say what you want about michele bachmann, she is a natural on camera. >> i want to thank the tea party express and tea party hd for inviting me to speak this evening. i'm here at their request and not to compete with the official republican remarks. the tea party is a dynamic force for good in our national conversation. >> jimmy: oh, really? then why won't you look directly at us? [ laughter ] either her cue cards are in the wrong place or she's keeping an eye out for immigrants, i'm not sure. why does everyone in the tea party talk like a kindergarten teacher? it's crazy, right. by the way, whoever does her e eyebrows, give me a call. the president is an excellent speaker but it's a tough crowd to impress. even though they're on camera,
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you know, every news channel in the world is covering this, many people in the audience had trouble staying awake. it's like we tuned in for the state of the union and "inception" broke out. [ laughter ] many people sleeping in the crowd. some were sleepier than others. tonight, we honor those who have no trouble napping on camera. it's time to hand out the award for outstanding achievement by a government official up past their bedtime. the snoozies. and the nominees are -- energy secretary steven chu. you would think the energy secretary would have energy. ohio representative steven latourette. kansas senator pat roberts.
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next up, someone who we can't identify because we are unable to see her face. and finally, supreme court justice ruth bader ginsburg. there's ruth right there. and the winner is? the winner is supreme court justice ruth bader ginsburg! here tonight to accept her award in person, justice ruth bader ginsburg, everybody. you know, next year, obama should tiptoe up behind them and yell "boo." don't worry, cold war kids will
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wake her up later. week two of "american idol" -- why am i holding this. here, this is for you. enjoy. tonight, "american idol," the two-hour episode in milwaukee. no offense, but you should be able to do the whole state of wisconsin in 45 minutes, tops. it took the president an hour to sum up the state of the whole union. "american idol" needs two hours to find the next danny gokey? i don't think so. for milwaukee, this was the most exciting thing to happen since jeffrey dahmer. [ laughter ] and the best moment, i think, was when a contestant came in wearing one of these cheese heads, big wisconsin, green bay packers fan. randy tried to eat it. steven tyler tried to have sex with it and it was -- steven tyler -- i'm not sure he's looking for an idol so much as he's looking for a concubine. he definitely prefers the female contestants and with that said, it's time now for steven tyler's creepy leer of the night. >> how old are you?
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>> 15. >> nice. >> nice. [ applause ] >> jimmy: do not get in the elevator with that man. by the way, i want to say, eight is a special number tonight. not only is it our eighth anniversary, it is also the birthday of the famous suleman octupl octuplets, all eight of them. they turned 2 today. for their birthday, each kid -- this was nice. each kid got three minutes of their mother's undivided attention. i can't believe it's been two years. time to get them some little brothers and sisters, don't you think? this is pretty good. a guy tried to rob a convenience store, and then this happened. >> look at this. security video shows the cashier chasing the crook out the store with a sword. >> jimmy: that's what you get for robbing a gas station in ninja-delphia.
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while we're on the topic of weapons, utah may very soon have a state gun. they already have boring things like the state flower, the state bird. but a house measure could make the browning m-911 pistol the official firearm so, your move, arizona. you know, while they're at it, they might want to revisit their state slogan, too, which is utah the state where incest is not as prevalent as widely believed. i think utah's new state weapon is cute but it doesn't hold a candle to our official state weapon, which, of course, is the t-800 former governator. that's a weapon. [ applause ] thank you. we -- we found this on the internet. awhile back. i found it to be delightful. it's a person named lonnie and a dog named jobie. we showed this once before but in case you haven't seen it this is a clip, it's titled on youtube, bad disobedient dog at beach, jobie.
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>> show you how this dog mines so good. get that ball over here dog, come on. come on, bring the ball back, boy. come on. bring it on. you see, he working his way over this way. bring the ball back, boy. bring it on back, son. back -- jobie, i'm over here, boy! hey, boy! don't go in that water, i'm over here. you're going to get wet. you're going to get wet. you ain't going to take you home -- oh, come on, he's got his feet wet now [ bleep ] dog. come on, come on, let's show them how good you do now. oh, jobie, what you doing, dog? jobie, that's the hassiest thing i ever seen you do. bring that ball -- [ bleep ] going to get on your ball. oh, boy. you're making a mess -- oh, get it out of here. i ain't taking that [ bleep ] dog home with me. >> jimmy: i said sit! i still have no idea if the owner of that dog is a man or a woman. the voice is crazy.
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and the name lonnie could go either way. but then, today, the plot has thickened. we found a new video. this one is called "welcome to da dog house." and who says old dogs can't learn new tricks? hey, y'all, this is lonnie and we come to show you the dog house. hold on, just a minute. come on, jobie. where is you boy? come on, boy, let's show them the dog house. i want them to see where you live. hey, come on, where you are going? >> jimmy: jobie lives in a mansion. >> dog, you crazy. get out of my face. you going to kill me now. hey, hey, hey dog. sit down. sit your ass down, boy. you crazy. this is where jobie lives, y'all. he a good dog and he sure do love living here because he's got a pretty marble floors. got the big old ceiling and all. it's a fine looking home. wouldn't nobody know this is a dog house, but it is.
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this is where jobie lives and jobie -- >> jimmy: no, jobie. not only the marble! oh, jobie! >> jobie, what you doing, dog? you a fool, dog. >> jimmy: that's from the "marley and me" outtakes dvd. by the way, if you have to pick a place for your dog to crap in the house, you can do a lot worse than marble. we've really come a long way, maturity wise, in the last eight years. haven't we? we have a good show tonight. from "raising hope," martha plimpton is here. we have music from cold war kids. and we'll be right back with amy is poehler, so stick around. hey, want to go for a smoke?
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i like that. cool. quitting sucks. carl, we're gonna grab a smoke? nah. i'm good. [ woman ] hi, carl! hi! [ male announcer ] quitting sucks. nicorette makes it suck less. and for fast craving relief that goes wherever you go, try the smaller, more convenient nicorette mini lozenge.
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try the smaller, if it can do this, here. and it can do this, here. and it can also do this, here. just imagine what it can do, here.
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>> jimmy: welcome back. thanks for coming back, thanks for watching it watching. it's hard to believe we've been on for eight years. you would think the show would be better. on our show tonight, two very funny women. from the show "raising hope," martha plimpton is the is here. then with music you will find on this their new album, it came out yesterday. it's called "mine is yours," cold war kids from the bud light outdoor stage.
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tomorrow night, we will begin our ninth year of broadcasting with ryan seacrest, from "the fighter," melissa leo and music from cage the elephant, so, set your vcrs, if you have one of those. during her seven seasons on "saturday night live," our first guest impersonated a wide range of powerful women from hillary clinton to kim jong-il. you can see her now on the very funny show "parks & recreation" thursday nights at 9:30 on nbc. please say hello to amy poehler. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, i can think of no more delightful guest to have here on our anniversary. >> happy anniversary, by the way. congratulations. it's amazing. >> jimmy: thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i know it is. i don't know if that's good, but yeah. >> i'm really surprised. >> jimmy: really, this is shocking. >> i did some research.
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i know you were talking about bronze is the, like, traditional gift. and then the modern anniversary, eighth anniversary gift is an appliance. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> and the place you're supposed to travel to on your eighth anniversary is a casino. >> jimmy: really? >> so i got you a ticket to reno -- >> jimmy: wow. >> and when you arrive in your hotel room, there will be a bronze montel williams juicer -- >> jimmy: are you kidding me? wow. [ applause ] that is -- that's too generous. reno, you say? >> they still have casinos in reno. >> jimmy: cheaper than vegas, right. well, great to you have here. how are you? how is everything going? >> good. busy. kids, you know. >> jimmy: you have two kids now. >> yeah, two boys. has it been that -- did i have any kids when i -- i've seen you personally -- >> jimmy: saw you between the two kids and i've seen your husband will a number of times because he apparently doesn't have to stay home and watch
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them, because you're there. >> yeah, no, he just checks in once in awhile. >> jimmy: archie is your -- >> archie is my 2-year-old and able is my 5-month-old. and archie is just starting to be funny which is really cute. his comedy is really physical. stuff is very -- like, he really likes big things and small things. like, he likes to pretend to put a big, like, big beach ball into a dixie cup. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> funny. >> jimmy: like clown humor. >> yeah. not my cup of tea. >> jimmy: he'll get funnier, though, probably, hopefully. >> we're going to send him out to the baby club. >> jimmy: baby comedy club? >> yeah, just do some -- >> jimmy: you might get something out of him. >> just small dates. >> jimmy: you sound a little bit conge congested. >> i have really bad allergies. >> jimmy: i do, too. i've been thinking that i have a cold this week, but now i
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realize -- >> the santa ana winds. i think god's punishing me. for it being warm in the winter. but i'm irish-catholic, so i think god is always punishing me. it's weird that it's so warm here and freezing everywhere else. >> jimmy: it's like 80 here. >> it's so nice. >> jimmy: i try not to tell people. >> and so, i have super bad allergies. but i can't take anything for it because it trips me out too much. >> jimmy: i have that, also, but i have -- hold on a second, because i have -- all right. um -- what day is today? i've already eaten all of wednesday's pills. i hope you don't mind me touching it. this one should be fine. i don't have any trouble with that. do you mind taking drugs from the host of a show? >> i don't give a [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: well, there you go. i don't think you'll have any weirdness from that, because -- >> see you on the other side. it's really weird to take a pill just not knowing what's in it.
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reminds me of my 20s. >> jimmy: i like your pill taking technique. >> i know, it's weird, but -- >> jimmy: you lubricate first then toss it down the hatch. >> hi husband makes fun of me. i have to drink water first and i have to hold it in my mouth and it's so lame, but yeah. >> jimmy: it's like going down a water slide. you get burned if you go down when it's dry but you want to wet it first. >> i have a full cup of water in my throat and i have to pretend the pill gets in there and then i have to swallow and then i have to make a face. >> jimmy: when you brush your teeth, do you wet the toothbrush first then put the toothpaste on. and then do you rewet it again? >> yeah. >> jimmy: me, too. >> what animal wouldn't do that? >> jimmy: i don't know. some people put it on the dry toothbrush and then they put the water on -- >> will will roll out of bed and swallow pill first thing in the morning. not like he takes pills all the time. he can swallow it dry. >> jimmy: i can. i actually sometimes chew them. i can. >> that's weird. >> jimmy: i can eat cereal dry, too.
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>> what? >> jimmy: well, where there's a will, there's a way. >> that's a sign of a serial killer. eating dry cereal -- >> jimmy: literally killing cereal with my teeth without milk. okay, so, you've got the kids, you're doing well, you named your son able, which is a little weird, because he seems like he should have a kane. >> able's the good brother. they are both a-names and we just liked the name. and it -- and in hebrew, it means -- i'm not jewish, but i love jews, and -- >> jimmy: what? >> i really do, and -- able's a hebrew name, and it means breath. which i think is cool. >> jimmy: so if you say bad able, it's like bad breath? you're being bad, able. it means breath, huh? you know what, everyone should run their names by me because i have -- i can come up with every horrible nickname that might possibly be thrust upon a child.
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now, the new season of "parks and recreation" started last week. it feels like this show is picking up steam lately. >> thank you, yeah. it's been really great. we're in season three. people are responding to it, liking it. we're behind "the office," we're happy to be there. >> jimmy: you've done something interesting. i want to run this by you. i don't know -- >> oh, boy. >> jimmy: these are some of your cast members from season one. >> jim o'hare and nick offerman. amazing talented gentlemen. >> jimmy: these are some of the cast members you've added this season. [ applause ] is this a network decision or an amy decision? >> i think these two are gorgeous. >> jimmy: of course they are. >> but go like this, yeah, okay. no. >> jimmy: rob lowe in real life, actually very ugly. >> he photographs so well. in person he's really alarming. like staring into the sun to look at him.
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>> jimmy: i want to run another series of photographs behind you. this is something that we've come across somehow, and -- that's -- >> that's me. >> jimmy: that appears to be you. >> you know what's so embarrassing? >> jimmy: this picture? >> yes. this picture. okay, in my 20s, you know, we used to, like, to make money we would give blood -- >> jimmy: for real. >> for real. yeah, i was broke. and in chicago, you could, like, they would dress you up like someone and you would take pictures, that you, you know, like when you buy a picture frame that's the weird stuff that comes in it. and someone dug it up and found it and what's a bummer, when other actresses get their old modeling pictures in the internet, they're like really young and sexy and i look like a sociopath who is going to smother a man with a pillow. >> jimmy: how old are you here? >> i don't know. i don't even care. >> jimmy: you look like you're
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11. >> i do. i was probably, like, 28. [ laughter ] if you ever had any doubt about my late bloomer-hood. take a look at that. >> jimmy: this is why the internet is so wonderful. >> it's horrible. i don't think i wore makeup or anything. i was just like, let's just do it. let's just take it. >> jimmy: you should definitely take pictures of the children like this. >> what were you doing? where did you find that picture? >> jimmy: somebody here found it. it would be weird if i was googling candy striper with flowers. but -- [ laughter ] >> wouldn't be that weird for those that know you. >> jimmy: it's great to see you. thank you so much for being here. amy poehler, everybody. watch her show, "parks and recreation," thursday nights at 9:30 on nbc. we'll be right back with martha plimpton.
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and it dries in only 20 minutes. it looks great! the carpet that keeps up with the joneses. trust resolve. forget stains. for tough pet stains and odors resolve pet prodtsts get your carpet truly clean. >> jimmy: well, hi there, we're back. in moments we'll see cold war kids. our next guest is an emmy and tony-award nominated actress and the matriarch of one of the oddest families on tv. her show is called "raising hope." you can watch it tuesday at 9:00 on fox. please say hello to martha plimpton. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. great to have you here. we met, like, two weeks ago and i said, you must come on the show. >> and i was almost as terrified then as i am now. i haven't been on television, i
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think, since the golden age of kinescope. >> jimmy: that is not true. you're on television every week now. >> that's true. i forgot. >> jimmy: well, you do theater and stuff like that. >> i certainly do. >> jimmy: and that's in front of people. right? >> yes, it's like -- >> jimmy: ideally. >> it's in a room like this and people sit out in the dark in championships facing you and you speak very loudly wearing someone else's hair. generally. >> jimmy: you have everything memorized, obviously. is it like, can you think about other things when you talk and do the dialogue? >> no -- well, you don't want to do that too much. you are pretty much thinking about what's happening then. ideally. >> jimmy: yeah, i guess. >> ideally. otherwise that would make you bad, right? >> jimmy: well, yeah. >> in which case you would do something really stupid, right? if something went wrong, you would do something really dumb. >> jimmy: does that happen? >> it has happened. are you asking if it's happened to me? >> jimmy: well, sure. >> well --
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>> jimmy: if you want to humiliate anyone, feel free. >> you know the play, you know, this dark, sort of norwegian kind of style thing. >> jimmy: yes, we all know. >> right. well -- >> jimmy: guillermo, right? >> it's great. >> it's like your favorite play. >> jimmy: he thinks it's a cheese. >> you saw me do it and you thought it was great. >> couple years ago. >> jimmy: you didn't know he could improv. >> no. better that i can. >> jimmy: so, when is this? >> this is, like, '63, '64, i don't know. and i had to, normally, well, she shoots herself at the end of the play. >> jimmy: great. >> she shoots herself -- >> jimmy: now it's ruined. >> i'm sorry to give it away. [ laughter ] the play is like 150 years old. pretty much everybody knows -- >> jimmy: you have to give people time. you know? >> and --
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>> jimmy: you could at least say "spoiler alert" if you're going to say something like that. >> i'm so not in on the lingo. >> jimmy: you have to learn it. >> we did it differently, because i decided, they decided it would be cool if i shot myself in the head on stage. >> jimmy: good. >> which is hard to do, because you don't have, like, squibbs and stuff -- you know, the things -- anyway this is boring. i'll tell you what happened, which is -- i would walk on stage and every night, it was the same. it got into my muscle memory, you know what i mean? every night i would walk on stage, dead center in front of this big white wall, you couldn't see anything else but me in a chair. i'd spin around, put a gun to my head and just as i did that, the guy behind the wall with another gun would fire it, right, to make the noise, really loud. >> jimmy: he had to use a gun, huh? he couldn't go with the sound effects? >> no. we used a real gun. so, he would -- he would fire it
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and i would go -- right? and i would die. >> jimmy: right. >> well, i got used to doing this night after night, and my body just got into the rhythm of it and one night i pulled the gun out and put it to my head and the gun didn't go off. so, i had to think fast, people. so i did this -- bang! >> jimmy: i guess that's all you can do. >> really professional. really -- >> jimmy: what are you supposed to do in that? >> wait. >> jimmy: i guess waiting. >> i don't know. just wait. >> jimmy: what if the guy was out having a cigarette. you could still be out there right now. well, you're from a family of actors, right? >> yes. >> jimmy: and you started when you were a little kid. >> like 8 or 9. >> jimmy: how old were you when you were in "the goonies."
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>> oh, god. [ applause ] >> jimmy: people still love that movie. >> isn't that funny? it's great. i love it. >> jimmy: people still mention it to you, i would imagine. >> constantly. >> jimmy: probably never gets old hearing about it. >> never. >> jimmy: did everyone get along on the set of "the goonies?" or was corey feldman was a pain in the ass, i'm going to guess? >> god, you know -- listen. i'm going to tell you this, but it's not -- >> jimmy: we won't tell anyone. >> it's not something i'm proud of. i'm not telling you this like i'm bragging. >> jimmy: okay, good, all right. >> and i don't want corey to feel bad, because i'm sure he's watching, right? >> jimmy: it's possible. >> no, he's watching. >> jimmy: you think so? >> i hope he's watching. >> jimmy: well, he's probably not watching. i have a feeling his satellite gone canceled.
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>> jimmy. i don't want to tell it. >> jimmy: what are you going to do? >> he's a dear, sweet guy. but at the time, he was a horrible pain in the ass. and i was -- we were all kids. 13, 14, and we all shared this -- you have to go to school when you're shooting a movie. you have to go into a school trailer. and it's closed quarters and it's miserable. it's really, truly horrible. and, you know, you're there all day. five months of the screaming and the yelling and the sean astin, and, you know, i'm 14 and "amadeus" just came out and i thought i was really fancy because i loved it. you know, like, i saw it twice at the beverly center. so, i was like, all private and intense and listening to my mozart all the time. corey loved to tease me and give
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me, you know, that word, the "sh" word. >> jimmy: oh, okay, yeah. >> and one day i was sitting in the school trailer, i was trying to type up, you know, some poetry or something damn thing that was like -- you know. and he kept repeating everything i would say, you know that thing that 14-year-old boys do, they repeat everything you say, and you say stop doing that, stop doing that. corey, i swear to god. corey, i swear to god. the same thing over and over again. and i'm not going to say that i beat him up. because i didn't. >> jimmy: you didn't. >> but -- it is apparent that i ended up on top of him, banging his head against the floor. [ applause ] no, don't applaud that! don't applaud that. it was mean, it was horrible. he was a struggling young child -- >> jimmy: you did the right thing. and i bet he stopped
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repeating you, didn't he? >> you know what was the most infuriating thing? he was laughing the entire time. >> jimmy: when you pounded his head? >> yeah, shut up, shut up, shut up, and he was just latching hysterically. >> jimmy: well, that's one of the danger signs. >> but you know what, he's doing great. we're great friends. it all worked out fine. >> jimmy: this is what i want to ask you. tell us what's happening here. were you the plaintiff or the defendant? why are you with judge judy? is that a wax figure of judge judy? >> no, that's the real deal. that's the actual beautiful -- >> jimmy: you love her. >> i love her. >> jimmy: i kind of love her, too. >> and that's me being, like, overcome, like, completely verklempt. in love with her. she hits me here, you know, she gets me in my -- >> jimmy: really? >> i think she's so beautiful. and you know how people watch her to, like, they get, like, revenge fantasies out of it.
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>> jimmy: they like to watch her tear through -- >> yeah, but to me she's just like a calming force. >> jimmy: really? >> i could just lay on my couch, take a nap. >> jimmy: and watch the chaos in other people's lives. and then you got to stand at her podium, which is quite an honor. >> isn't that exciting? suspect that the best? look at that -- >> jimmy: the american flag in the background. that is fantastic -- do you remember the case that was going on that day? >> oh, it had something to do with a brother beating up, like, smacking his sister's son -- >> jimmy: banging someone's head against the floor? >> my eyes were just pin wheels in love with her. >> jimmy: well, that is one of the most unusual celebrity crushes i've ever heard of. i have to say. by the way, your show is very, very funny and you do a great job on it. honestly. it's called "raising hope," it's on fox at 9:00. and you should watch it, tuesday nights. martha plimpton, everybody. we'll be right back with cold war kids. deb:(talking to herself) we've got jenn texting,
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