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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  September 5, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PDT

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, jane lynch, jerry o'connell, and music from 2 chainz featuring pharrell williams. with cleto and the cletones. and now, hold on tight! here is jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. thank you for watching the show.
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[ cheers and applause ] thank you for coming out and braving the blistering heat to be here tonight, it is hot, right? is it bad outside lined up in the heat? my god, you guys must really love me! it is so hot in hollywood today that -- it is so hot in hollywood that none of our writers had the energy to come up with a punch line to this joke. it got up to 104 degrees in the valley, supposed to get hotter. a heat alert has been issued for southern california. is that necessary? isn't the heat its own alert? but it is a concern here in l.a., because botox boils when it gets to 100 degrees. our local news channel -- i don't know what it is, maybe because we don't have local weather, but this is from cbs here in l.a., whose weather coverage earned the excellence
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in reporting. >> to give you an idea just how hot it is, as you mentioned we're at the century mark here. i have a ten-pound block of ice, as you see it is not standing a chance. we brought it out about ten minutes ago, as you can see it is just melting. >> jimmy: wow, it is so hot outside the ice is melting. it's remarkable. so that is the story in our neck of the woods. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: here is another local item of note, according to a report from allstate insurance, the city of glendale, not far from our theater, has the largest amount of bad drivers, i have no idea, glendale is not that much different than any other area in l.a. so we sent our parking lot attendant, guillermo, to see about the story. he is there. >> hi, jimmy, i'm here in
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glendale, and -- >> jimmy: goodness, their driving really is bad, i wonder when the car hit him? can we get a shot of that? oh, look, he is alive [ cheers and applause ] got all the way here from glendale. did anybody come out -- >> only one. >> jimmy: i won't ask what flavor it was -- this is interesting, politicians in a small county in northern california voted 4-1 yesterday to move forward with a plan to secede from the state of california. it is more rural from the state of california. they feel like their needs and interests are not being represented properly so they want to form their own state. currently there are 44,000 people living in siskoui county,
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they are holding a forum of like-minded coalition from california and southern oregon and would like to name their new state jefferson. i like they have a name already. it is like when a 5-year-old tells you what she is going to name her baby when she grows up. obviously, it is not going to happen. it is a bad plan, i'll tell you why, this is the united states of america, nobody is going to leave, nobody is going anywhere. but if somebody does decide to leave, i would like it to be florida, a lot of weird things going on there, everybody else stays where they are. this is an iron man trap -- is that when you watch all three iron man movies, that is when you swim two and a half miles,ñ you bike 112 miles and then run a full 26-mile marathon. it is quite an endeavor. so watch this guy, he came in first place, he is a frenchman
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named jeremy jerkovich, so before he finished, he stopped and celebrated with a hot dog -- look at this guy. from a long line of jerkoviches. and with good reason. some troubling news from camp kardashian today. according to people magazine, mr. khloe kardashian, lamar odom, went right to and checked out of drug rehab, he was arrested on friday -- i would like to see one of you try to stay married to a kardashian. this obviously is a difficult time for lamar, i wish him the best, but i'll say this, if the network has its way this could be another incident of the kardashians turning lemons into lemon shots. >> somebody who will change
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their lives forever. >> we're concerned about your survival. >> follow their romantic journey into a court-ordered drug and alcohol rehab center. >> this is a different kind of show from anything that you have ever seen before. >> fairy tale rehab, only on e. >> jimmy: now that sounds like a good -- [ cheers and applause ] today, by the way, happens to have been the first day of new york fashion week. this is an exciting time of the year in new york. the air gets crisper, the leaves start to change, the skinny lithuanian girls put on dresses worth more than their entire villages. it is incredible, a lot of stars are there, leonardo dicaprio was there checking out his next girlfriend. and then, the models went over to mark jacob's town house to split a radish, we'll be covering that for you throughout
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the week. and you knew the nfl season started this week. how do you know the nfl season started? >> ladies and gentlemen, the 2013 nfl season is about to begin! please welcome ryan seacrest. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: who? nothing screaming football like ryan seacrest. the denver broncos hosted the super bowl champion, baltimore ravens. they played the game tonight, and tomorrow night is the big two-hour result show. that is why ryan was there. you know, i would like to think i'm ready for some football, but i know i'm not. to help them get ready, it is time to play a new game called "will they catch it?" my cousin, sal, went out on
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hollywood boulevard to throw a football. here is the video, we'll throw the ball, and determine if the person can catch the pass. let's meet the first participant. >> wow, i have never met somebody more ready for football, pass, go! dropped the helmet. it is up there, go get it! >> jimmy: now, will he catch it? all right, let's find out. >> nice. [ cheers and applause ] do your dance, pretend you have been there before. you get a three for the dance. >> jimmy: he does need to work on the dance. all right, who do we have next? >> hi, you ready for football? >> i'm not? >> pass? keep going, keep going -- >> jimmy: and will she -- catch it? she has not bothered to put the telephone down. let's find out. >> oh! chase it, yeah, but just chase it. >> jimmy: all right, next up?
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>> hey tough guy, you ready for football? >> yeah. >> jimmy: is this kid ready for football? sal throws the pass, will he catch it? let us find out. >> oh, what happened! oh -- what a grab [ cheers and applause ] >> good job. >> jimmy: against all odds. it is not a good pass, all right, next up? >> hey, youngster, ready for football? go for pass! go, run, turn -- >> jimmy: is he going to catch it? will he catch the football? we're about 50/50 on this, let's see if he did. >> oh -- your fault. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, yeah, he does have a point. next up? >> ma'am, are you ready for football? i think you are. you are want to go out for a
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pass? >> no. >> you can catch it? >> i don't do that too well. >> oh, yeah, you will be good. turn. >> jimmy: sal is very persuasive, do you think she will catch it? >> yeah. >> jimmy: well, let's see what happens here! >> yes! nice, up against the wall and fired it right back, and i believe we have one more. >> you ready for football? >> heck, yes. >> want a to go for a pass? >> yeah. >> ready, go! >> jimmy: all right, and? look, i know we're all in a difficult situation right now. but we don't know how to react to this. but do you think he will catch it or not? all right, well -- who said no? let's see what happens. >> oh!
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that's right! nice. >> jimmy: that is right, the triumph of the human spirit right there. all right, we're going to take a break. when we come back -- oh, did you throw something at me, sal? >> yes. >> jimmy: sorry, i wasn't paying a attenti attention. i'm going to ask you a question right now, do you know which country has the least sex in the world? well, we'll find out when we come back, plus, jane lynch, music from 2 chainz, stick around. we'll be right back. [ berman ] applebee's 2 for $20 menu is one app and two entrees for only 20 bucks. only the best make their 2 for $20 menu, like the new honey pepper grill entrees. let's check out the action! they're flavorin', savorin' and more flavorin'. he could...go... all...the...way! he could...get... out of the way?
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siskiyou, siski [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, welcome back, jane lynch, jerry o'connell, and 2 chainz, and this is a story that caught my eye, men's health magazine, somebody is going to lose an eyeball, men's health magazine surveyed more than 50,000 people from 30 countries and found that croatian men and women have the most sex in the world, and indians have the least. india finished last, i guess playing the citar at parties is not working so well. on average, indians have sex the least frequently and with the lowest numbers of sexual partners than anywhere in the world. although with reincarnation, the numbers could catch up. it is strange, they have the least amount of sex and the most amount of people. what is going on over there?
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are they having litters. now, i happen to have friends in india, and from time to time i outsource some of my jokes to them. hello, how are you? >> yeah, thank you for calling, which candy are you stuck on? >> jimmy: i am not calling for candy crush trouble shooting, it is jimmy kimmel calling. >> hi, mr. jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel! god bless to you, and many blessings to your newly betroath betroathed. we talk to you and a very happy matrimony. cheerio! >> jimmy: thank you, i got married more than two months ago
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but it is nice of you to have a drink for me. the reason i'm calling, there was an interesting study. >> yes, of course, to which particular study. >> jimmy: the one that says indian people have the least amount of sex than any other country in the world. >> i'm sorry, this is not a funny joke. >> jimmy: no, it is not a joke at all. it is a study from men's health magazine. a joke has nothing to do with it. does this mean -- >> no, we do, let us get our number one joke writer. >> jimmy: oh, roger, yeah -- >> roger has many particular jokes to share, and he knows much about sex. roger? see, he is our 55 shades of gray. >> jimmy: oh, that is nice, good to see you, roger.
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>> good seeing you, too, mr. jimmy. >> jimmy: you may take the mask off so we can hear you. that is a good idea, roger. yeah. >> nice to see you too, mr. jimmy! and -- and happy married life. >> jimmy: thank you, thank you, i was wondering if you have any jokes about the fact that people in india have the least sex of people in any country. yes, thank you. >> here we go. >> jimmy: okay, wow, right in there, huh? >> why does an indian man call a condom? a year's supply! get it? because we never have sex. hahahaha. >> but we do. lots of it.
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>> jimmy: okay, i do get it, yes. do you have any other jokes you can share with us? >> yes, he does. he has many more. >> jimmy: oh, you do. great. >> give me a second, jimmy. >> jimmy: pretty loose in the leather of those pants -- >> what is an indian man most favorite position for sexual intercourse with a woman. >> jimmy: i don't know, what is an indian's man most favorite position for sexual intercourse with a woman? >> doggy style -- like 2008 -- get it? >> jimmy: yeah, i actually do get it. not really the specific kind of joke i'm looking for, i need jokes about how infrequently indians are having sex.
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yeah, right. one of the nipples is showing. >> did you hear about the indian man who had sex four times in one year? >> jimmy: no, i did not hear about the indian man who had sex four times in a year. >> me neither! >> jimmy: maybe roger should put the mask back on, put the mask back on, roger. >> hey, jimmy, we want to make it perfectly clear, these jokes are not about us. we get a great deal of intercourse. >> jimmy: okay. >> yes, ready! >> we are always [ bleep ] every day. >> jimmy: great. >> [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: in november? well, that is great.
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well, congratulations, and good luck with that. thank you, guys, thank you so much. and we'll call you again sometime soon. jerry o'connell is here, we have music from 2 chainz with pharrell williams. and we'll be right back with jane lynch, she would love to see you. [ cheers and applause ] let's just share a 20 piece.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the program, we have jerry o'connell here, and then this is his new album, it comes out on tuesday. it is called "boats to me time." 2 chainz with pharrell williams. that is why the whole building smells like pot. we have a new show tomorrow with jim o'heir from "parks and recreation." and celine dion, and one of them will sing tomorrow. jimmy: it's been a good week for our first guest. yesterday she got a star on the hollywood walk of fame, tonight she's here, then who knows. maybe tomorrow she'll find a twenty dollar bill in her laundry. she's an emmy and golden globe-winning actress.
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she plays sue sylvester on "glee", the fifth season of which premieres september 26th on fox, please welcome jane lynch. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there. >> hi. >> jimmy: i want to congratulate you for getting your star on the hollywood walk of fame. that is a big deal. >> yes, you know, that is a big deal, you got one, as well. >> jimmy: it is exciting. >> yes, it is exciting. the night before i opened my car door right into my nose. >> jimmy: oh yeah, i noticed that. >> and it bled profusely, and it was very, very painful. and by the time i woke up, it was -- >> jimmy: can i ask you about that, i opened the car door into
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my face, and nobody believed it happened. even close friends didn't believe it happened. and i said what do you think happened? >> well, until i did it myself i probably wouldn't have believed you either. >> jimmy: and we have a picture of mine o-- >> oh, you had stitches. >> jimmy: yeah, i got a lot of stitches and everything. >> i had no stitches, but getting hit in the nose is probably a lot more painful -- >> jimmy: no, no, mine was worse. i had like 12 stitches. and you just wandered off freely. >> whoa, whoa, you think this doesn't hurt? it is like three days later and it is throbbing. >> jimmy: you know, jane, it is not a competition. >> all right, i can let it go. >> jimmy: besides being disfigured, how was the ceremony? >> the ceremony was fine, i don't know how you dealt with it. >> jimmy: poorly. >> well, i said to myself, there was no time for humility.
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and i really did, i embraced it. i was like i frigging deserved it. no, i didn't go that far. but a lot of things, you go numb, and i thought no, take it in. and now i have become insufferable. >> jimmy: you know what, i have a photograph. and there you are celebrating. like superman, looking to the skies. >> yeah, the guy next to me, you look at your neighbors who the stars are. and the guy next to me, his name was like hans schein, and it said contralto, this was the days when they were picky -- >> jimmy: yes, they let talented people in. >> yes. >> jimmy: now, who is this young man? >> that is eric lynch, and he is covering my name. the jane part, so that people will think it is his star. >> jimmy: that is cute.
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how old is eric? >> he is 12, and boy it starts young, doesn't it? >> jimmy: how much of your family was there? >> my brother, they're here tonight. my brother came out and my sister-in-law, and eric and tons of friends, both of my parents have passed. i'm wearing my mom's wedding ring and my dad's watch in my back pocket. >> jimmy: wow, you got a little piece of everybody. >> yes. >> jimmy: you told me your parents loved parties. >> they loved drinking, but in those days, everyone was an alcoholic, it was fun alcoholic. leave your kids in the jar when you come in, remember that from "ice storm"? >> jimmy: that was a movie. >> yes, that was a movie, that didn't happen. my dad was kind of a song and dance guy, he was a banker, and my mom, her cylinders didn't fire as fast as the rest of us. she was always three or four steps behind all of us. >> jimmy: did she understand what you did for a living?
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>> she kind of did, i was going to graduate school and sent all of my theater books home. and she said i organized them for you. and i said by author or title. and she said by height. she is so funny. and she did understand what i was doing, and she made a -- a scrap book, and when i did the real life brady bunch in chicago, we did this real life episode on stage, and davy jones did his episode and came from the monkeys and came and performed from our little crazy group. so there is a picture of me with davy jones and mom put it in her scrap book, and did the perfect writing "jane and billy joel". >> jimmy: well, at least she got your name right. >> she got my name right. >> jimmy: davy jones, billy joel, a little bit of similarity there, but really not enough. >> not enough. >> jimmy: well, we're going to take a break here, because that is what we do from time to time.
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jane lynch is here, her show "glee" will be back. we'll be right back. the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony.
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>> it is a fifth season. >> jimmy: your character is no longer there? >> well, that is a cliffhanger, i was fired for bringing a loaded gun to school. and i went on to become an aerobics teacher at the 24-hour fitness. the other hour, they're scrubbing down the steam room -- anyway, at the beginning of the season, i am reinstated. and i take over somebody's job. >> jimmy: oh. >> someone becomes a janitor, and i go right into the principal's office. >> jimmy: oh. >> oh, yeah. so that is what is going to happen. and our first two episodes are a tribute to the beatles. >> jimmy: before you did the show, "glee," you did a lot of shows, small parts. >> one stoppers. >> jimmy: dawson's creek. >> yes, i had to travel to north carolina for that. very exciting.
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>> jimmy: and what part did you play? >> i play pacy's mom. people came up to me and said, you're pacy's mom. and one exciting thing about the trip, in north carolina, i saw for the first time a possum! for the first time, i was like what the [ bleep ] is that? it is like a rat with a snout. and they're blind! i literally got up on my chair and i was like what is that? i have never seen anything like that. >> jimmy: yeah, they're weird. they're ugly, they're not really dangerous or anything, but they look like they should be dangerous. >> raccoons are dangerous -- they look like they are. >> jimmy: are they dangerous? they have cute hands. >> they will kill your cat. but possums are not mean, but they're ugly. >> jimmy: yeah, they are, but they don't know because they can't see. >> they can't look in a mirror
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-- >> jimmy: well, you're deaf -- >> i'm deaf in my right ear. >> jimmy: good thing you're not deaf in the talk show ear. >> this is my worst side, this is more arreeasier, i use it mo >> jimmy: but do you sing -- >> because i was born with it, i haven't had to adjust to it. i used it to my advantage, when i was a kid, i was a crossing guard where you wear the orange safety guard uniform, very proud, fourth or fifth grade. and i was walking the kids across the street. one of the bullies came up and smacked me. i pretended that he smacked me in the ear, and i said he deafened me, he deafened me, and i pretended i couldn't hear the rest of the day. the kid got sent home. >> jimmy: so you really turned it into a positive then.
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>> yeah, i did. >> jimmy: that is weird. >> i was hungry for attention. >> jimmy: when you're deaf in one ear, do people do sign language with one hand? how does that work? >> i never heard that before, i love it! >> jimmy: you can use that in the next book. well, it is very good to see you. >> good to see you, too. >> jimmy: jane lynch, everybody. september 26th on fox. we'll be right back with jerry o'connell.
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we had to count sheep to fall asleep. and i always worried that i was creating an overcrowded sheep farm. in my head... never looked like that farmer took proper care of those sheep. too much? a little. [ male announcer ] connect all your wi-fi-enabled devices with u-verse high speed internet. rethink possible. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, guillermo. oh, by the way, 2 chainz is outside, pharrell williams is outside. jimmy:our next guest is a gifted actor and one of the most popular jerrys in showbiz. his new show "we are men," debuts september 30th on cbs. please welcome back jerry o'connell. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> good to see you. >> jimmy: how is your wife, rebecca romijn? >> we're doing great, we just did two days in disney land, we waited until school started and took them out after two days. we're not very big on education in our home -- no, actually, the lines are very short. it is stressful at disney land, you have to drag them into the lines, and they were like we have been here a half hour and we're doing this whether you like it or not. >> jimmy: it was a weird thing, i took my son there and we waited an hour to get into the haunted mansion. and then he wanted to get out of the haunted mansion, immediately. and then i felt like i should force him to stay in the haunted mansion, but then i took him
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out. >> no, i made them stay in there. it cost hundred bucks, the happiest place on earth, now get out there! >> jimmy: you know, you were kind enough to bring a photograph. this is one of those deals where they snap your picture and you don't know they're snapping your picture. this is one of my favorite rides. >> if you look closely, you can see my daughter. >> jimmy: everybody is happy. >> i don't know why that is so funny, i'm an awful parent, i can see child services -- >> jimmy: well, that happens, are the kids criers in general -- >> only when o-- >> jimmy: are they scared of the other rides, or was that the only one? >> we did the star tours ride, does anyone know that? where you go into the box and it shakes. they pick somebody out of the crowd, they say it is a rebel spy. they picked a person, my daughter, they said you're the
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rebel spy, the rebel spy, and my other daughter started crying, she said i want to be the rebel spy. and i said you're the rebel spy, we made 100 bucks, you better live with it. she was like it is too much pressure! i want to be a princess -- no princess today! >> jimmy: do you and rebecca get a lot of alone time to yourself? >> no, let me think babout it. you know, we have -- no, two 5-year-old kids. >> jimmy: well, a lot of times in hollywood, they hire foreigners to raise the children. >> the plus side, the kids are biling bilingual, but they should be nilingual -- we sent them to camp -- >> jimmy: do they seem to like it? >> the other kids are like my
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child climbed the cliff wall the other day in record time. and i'm like, my kid didn't poop themselves, and didn't eat it. >> jimmy: last time rebecca was here, she was concerned because she was leaving the children alone with you that they would even eat at all. that they would have any meals. >> i am not very good at that food thing -- you just throw the food in, at the drive through o-- i can't be arrested for not feeding them. my wife is very good, chop up the vegetables and hide them, and i'm like oh, yeah, sure. >> jimmy: like a big mac -- well, you got this new show. >> yes, "we are men," this season, a funny guy named chris smith. four guys who are all recently
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about to be divorced. and who are temporarily -- think of the oak woods. >> jimmy: yes r, there is a pla here in l.a., especially when actors come out to live here. >> yes, a lot of transients, if you are recently divorced, you come out here to do a television show. >> jimmy: everybody has a nightmare story about living there. >> yeah, lived there. it was like a furnished apartment so you just move in there. i mean, my only story was, i checked in, there was a really cute lady who checked in. she said oh, i know your room number. and i said oh, okay. and then like later that night, i believe she was -- what is the term "wasted"? knocked on my door, i am sure, i was reading shakespeare in my room, i was going to tackle the television industry by storm. i was like you have to get out of here, i have to go to work. it was not until like a few
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weeks later, living in l.a., i could have totally hit a home run there, jimmy. now, but it is a great show, a lot of fun. fortunately, my character, you know, there is a pool in southern california. unfortunately, my character has to wear a speedo, that is the character's choice. >> jimmy: what, like every day? >> yeah, i have to wear it every day, there is like a little string there -- first thing in the morning, i'm like wake up, wake up. they're like okay, jerry, they're ready for you, and i'm like just a minute. it is such a weird -- you want to get blood flowing, but you don't want it to be all the way, and then it goes back down. so like all day for 12 hours a day, it is like half way -- >> jimmy: wait a minute, now. you're telling me that you got this script and like fonzi has this jacket, mork had his suspenders -- >> it didn't say speedo, that
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was a choice made somewhere between writing the script and getting there. and the wardrobe, i was like does this look okay? and she was like have you thought about stuffing? and i was like no, i don't need stuffing, she was like you don't need stuffing, i'm just saying, think about it, i'm like i don't need stuffing. >> jimmy: is there a special product they sell -- >> yeah, on the late night infomercials. i mean, i don't want to plug anything i'm not paid for, but i believe it is called "extends". >> jimmy: every time you come to work you wear a speedo? >> yeah, every time i come to work, i'm pumping blood, yeah. we shoot at the place where a lot of transients go through there. so there is a lot of stores -- the bathing suits are so small, it is crazy. even a guy like from brazil said hey, man, that is a really small
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bathing suit. he is like even where i'm from. really -- we would consider that small. and you, my friend, are very small. you have to do the stuffing, why don't you stuff? do the stuffing. >> jimmy: the show is called "we are men," and premieres on september 30th. thank you, jerry, say hello to rebecca, we'll !right back with 2 chainz and pharrell williams. [ cheers and applause ] the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: comes out tuesday, here with the song "feds watching" with some help from pharrell williams, 2 chainz. og's never fed us now young fed up ballin' so hard i deserve a and one ♪
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og's never fed us now young fed up ballin' so hard i deserve a and one ♪ ♪ baking soda marketing i'm getting it ain't i obviously you a you a that's just my philosophy ♪ og's never fed us now young fed up ballin' so hard i deserve a and one ♪ ♪ baking soda marketing i'm getting it ain't i obviously you a you a that's just my philosophy ♪ ♪ and i'm known to kick it like the captain of a soccer team ♪ ♪ billie jean red leather same color red lobster and she brain
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wash ya head doctor ♪ ♪ im'a be fresh as hell if the feds watching i'ma be fresh as hell if the feds watching ♪ ♪ im'a be fresh as hell if the feds watching i'ma be fresh as hell if the feds watching ♪ ♪ drop top head bobbing i'ma be fresh as hell if the feds watching i'ma be fresh as hell ♪ ♪ if the feds watching i'ma be fresh as hell if the feds watching drop top head bobbing ♪ ♪ grams to grammy's two guns yosemite put their glock on your ass that heather be ♪ ♪ pumping that amphetamine all this d i'm peddling i be somewhere settling somewhere that you have never been ♪ ♪ to the top you never been you might need a respirator money on the rise like i'm counting on a elevator ♪ ♪ you gon' need a detonator swimming with them barracudas put the rocket on that motherer
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prosecutor ♪ ♪ this armani this givenchy i parachute you i'm so fly i jumped out the air wang gucci ♪ ♪ i'm raw talking california rolls smoking california weed with california es ♪ ♪ sending flicks to my partners in the state pen i just got some pants made out off snake skin ♪ ♪ see them shades you got on call ray-bans and the shade i got on cost eight bands ♪ ♪ i'ma be fresh as hell if the feds watching i'ma be fresh as hell if the feds watching ♪ ♪ i'ma be fresh as hell if the feds watching drop top head bobbing i'ma be fresh as hell ♪ ♪ if the feds watching i'ma be fresh as hell if the feds watching i'ma be fresh as hell ♪ ♪ if the feds watching drop top - head bobbing ♪


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