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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  September 6, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PDT

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, celine dion, and from "parks and recreation" jim o'heir, and now, here is jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome, that is very nice. welcome to the show. thank you for ñrwatching. thank you for being here tonight.
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i'm glad you're here, in case you don't pay attention to the announcer, jim o'heir from "parks and recreation." and celine dion. and last night, we had 2 chainz, who appeals to a different set of fans, than celine dion. we're still clearing her smoke out of her dressing room. you know, somebody asked me how can you have guests that are so wildly different? when you bring in 2 chainz, aren't people going to change the channel, for him, instead of somebody like celine dion? we are like babies, anyway, i'm going to introduce celine dion, and she is going to sing, and we're going to cry really hard, even the tough guys. and don't forget, this weekend,
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celine fights manny pacquaoi. and i know we can't negotiate with terrorists, but what does the sun want from us already? temperatures could hit triple digits, and this weekend, we could get into the quadruple digits. that is why i feel my underwear with dip n dots. they have cooling stations where people can go to cool off. i don't know if anybody uses these, so we don't have any of them on hollywood boulevard. so my cousin sal is out there right now. we have no idea, because we're in here. how hot is it out there right now. >> it has to be 38, 39 degrees, celsius. >> jimmy: well, we don't know what that is. >> i have all sorts of charts.
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>> jimmy: sal, along with a league, is holding a car wash. how is that going to work? >> it is probably not going to work, let's do it anyway. >> jimmy: there are no cars involved. but we're going to wash some pedestrians -- hi, what is your name? >> antonio. >> jimmy: are you hot out there? >> scorching. >> jimmy: awwhat is that? >> it is a shark tooth. >> jimmy: you captured it and killed it yourself? >> i captured it and killed it myself. >> jimmy: have you ever been through a car wash without a car before? >> no, i can't say i have. >> jimmy: all right, this will be a unique experience, hand my cousin sal the truth -- seems like a shark's tooth could get wet. how about that watch? is that water proof? >> yeah, that is water proof.
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>> jimmy: okay, do you a wallet or anything -- >> i'm broke, jimmy. >> jimmy: okay, not good, but fine are you ready for this? they got superman and wonderwoman coming in with the soap, and wolverine to stop and dry. very nice, do you feel refreshed? >> i guess, yeah. >> jimmy: okay, perfect, well thank you, there is a t-shirt for you to change into. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: okay, sal, who else do we have to wash? what is your name? >> jim. >> jimmy: jim, where are you from? >> redlands, california. >> jimmy: why do you have two pairs of glasses? >> well, to read -- >> jimmy: oh, okay for the sun, you have a lot of clothes on for a day like this, right, seems like you would be very warm
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right now. >> yes. >> jimmy: yes, okay, well, maybe we should cool you off a little bit. what do you say? >> sure. >> jimmy: all right, okay, good, well, here is a third pair. all right, do we really need goggles for this, is that one of our lawyer things, sal? >> hold on, here is your phone. >> jimmy: all right, take your phone out, whatever valuables you might have in there. okay, good, sal, okay, here comes wonder woman, wow, they work really fast, for people who don't work they work very fast. and is that thing even on? there we go. beautiful. you feel better? [ cheers and applause ] do you feel fresh as an irish spring? >> all right, very good. >> jimmy: thank you very much, jim. all right, that is jim. and he is soaking wet. sal, see if you can get like a good looking girl in there, okay? >> all right, i know --
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>> jimmy: we'll come back and wash more people later. all right, so last night a new nfl season began. on sunday, hundreds of thousands of american men begin five long months of wagering their hard earned money, so they can buy their wives that valentine's day gift. the opening season took place between the broncos and the ravens, the broncos beat the ravens, 29-47. peyton manning beat the all-time high record, seven touchdown passes, he even threw me a touchdown and i was at home. so now, maybe he will finally get commercial endorsements, right? this is funny, something we found on youtube mom and dad bought their son a bow and arrow. which turns out bow and arrow is a difficult set of words to pronounce for a 3-year-old. >> what did you get, bud? >> i got a bow and --
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>> are you going to shoot it? >> yeah. >> you going to shoot it? what did you get? >> a boone! >> okay, don't shoot at your mom, all right? >> jimmy: never shoot at your mom. or my mom. for that matter. [ cheers and applause ] an interesting contest took place in carrollton, kentucky tonight. a honey boo boo look alike contest, do you really want your kid to look like honey boo boo, there was a pageant where kids dressed up like honey boo boo, and a home style one, where they do it at home, covered in cheetos, the winners got ten
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dollars, a trophy, a crown and an insulin shot. you know, while we're on that subject, schools in 19 states are participating in a new fitness awareness program. at the beginning of school now they measure each kid by height and weight. if the kids are obese, they send a letter to their parents to let them know. hundreds of kids in pre school are being sent home with fat letters, letting the parents know their child is overweight. shouldn't they be able to determine if they're overweight or not? my god, honey, they sent a letter saying our 200 pound fourth grader is overweight. if i got sent home with a letter, i would eat it. mom, i got an f at school today. oh, no, what happened. and i got an a, but i also got a t. you see that? personally, i happen to think it -- i think it is kind of cold to break news like that with a letter. in fact, if i was in charge i
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would break the news like this. [ doorbell rings ] >> are you danny's mom? >> i am. >> i have a message from the school. >> your son is fat we're not going to lie ♪ according to the charts it is mostly pie, big in the rump ♪ he is your son but he can't go to class, stop eating donuts before it gets worse ♪ from the concerned school nurse ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, let's watch another production, sal, you -- >> i couldn't find a good looking girl. >> jimmy: he is kidding, he is kidding. what is your name? >> bagamara. >> jimmy: what? can you spell that for us?
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>> badamara. >> jimmy: even you don't know how to spell it. you know what? we'll do a commercial, and then we'll wash you. that way we get big ratings, so this week, we have celine dion, and jim o'heir, and we'll wash stygmata right there! [ cheers and applause ]
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♪ it's buzz the bee on your tv ♪ ♪ oh how did i get this way? ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ there's a party going on in your cereal bowl ♪ ♪ o's can help lower cholesterol ♪ ♪ oh why does it taste so great? ♪ ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ hey! must be the honey! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. celine dion and jim o'heir are back stage slap fighting, and they will be out shortly.
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now, my cousin sal is outñi on hollywood boulevard. tell us your name. >> bagamara. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> poland. >> jimmy: are you enjoying yourself? >> yes. >> jimmy: do you have shows like this on the street in poland? this is very common in the united states on the streets -- >> she has a tank top on, i think we'll have to do a lot of blurring and editing. >> jimmy: that would be awful. >> all right. >> jimmy: okay. she barely speaks english, she is offended. all right, there we go with our super hero, wow, and wash and -- the -- sponge bob has not seen this much action in years. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] there you go. all right. should we wash one more?
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all right, let's talk about this and then we'll come back and wash another. you know the annual rock the bells hip-hop festival starts this week in san bernardino, which is here in california. and there is an unusual plan, saturday, bone thugs in harmony will perform with a hologram, easy e, and then on sunday, woota wootangclan, and then on monday, wendy's founder will be joined by dave thomas. you know, you need to get your own hologram, this answers the question, can a hologram keep it real? let's go back out on the street and see what is going on with a sal, sal, who is this? >> bo scott. >> jimmy: lo scott? >> bo scott.
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>> jimmy: bo, where are you from? >> birmingham, alabama. >> jimmy: now, bo, is that your middle name? >> nickname is bo, scott is my last name. >> jimmy: okay, what is your real name? >> denton. >> jimmy: how did you get the nickname bo? >> i was bowlegged when i was born. >> jimmy: your parents are sensitive people. >> not really. >> jimmy: i was dented when i was born. they dropped me, how do you feel right now? warm? >> a little hot, actually. >> jimmy: that beard can be itchy this time of summer. >> more hot than itchy. >> jimmy: all right, let's bring in the washers -- okay, here we go. here comes wonder woman, here comes superman with the wash. and the rinse. and the dry and look at that, where is the hot wax, i think we forget that. how do you feel right now, bo?
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[ cheers and applause ] >> much better. >> jimmy: well, thank you very much for participating, i hope we didn't ruin your watch there, and there is your shirt, give that back to him, sal, say hello to everybody back home. >> hello back home. >> jimmy: this is an odd story involving the president of france, one of the biggest french news agencies released a photo of president -- how do you pronounce his last name? as if you would know. it is a photo that some deemed unflattering. so the company quickly issued what they call a mandatory kill on the photo, which sounds like it is some signed of jason borne thing. it means they asked their client to delete it. and it means they don't show photos that ridicule people. and this photo has no news value, and now it does because they deleted it. and this is the photo they
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wanted to put to rest. the president -- that is the face you make when your wife catches you looking at porn. i am just -- by the way, the phrase written behind him on the chalk board may provide him insight. my french is a little rusty, but it says, i think i sat on my testicles. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: one more thing, the week is coming to a close, that means it is time for our segment where we [ bleep ] and brur things, in unnecessary censorship. >> marco rubio and other [ bleep ]. >> eric crouch. >> he was asked about this [ bleep ] in his mouth. >> that is weird. >> 37-year-old peyton manning, used to [ bleep ] on the field
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about three and a half hours before kickoff. >> what every working person in the city work force deserves is a [ bleep ], they have not had one, they deserve one. >> i am literally riddled with -- 98% [ bleep ]. >> this is a story for the folks who take a [ bleep ] after work. >> she is a perfect -- >> we already [ bleep ] each other in places that are quite inappropriate. >> and actually, reasons that from the dressing room, the same reaction that i have -- no, i kind of liked that. >> reporters are searching for two men who allegedly posed as police officers and [ bleep ] another man's [ bleep ]. >> two and a half minutes into the second half, denver on top by four. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the program, jim o'heir is here from "parks and recreation." and we'll be right back with our first visit from the incredible celine dion.
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[ cheers and applause ] we're both delicate little flowers.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone, welcome
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back, and you know him as jerry from the show "parks and recreation." jim o'heir is here tonight. he is very funny. we have a nice list of guests for you next week, john stamos will join us, as will simon cowell, cedric the entertainer. and holy ghost. so if you're 30, flirty and thriving, make it a party. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: got some people in the audience who are 30, flirty and thriving. our first guest is the youngest of 14 brothers and sisters. and so far, she is the one with the most grammys of all of them, and celebrated at ceasar's palace in las vegas, and has a new album, love me back, please,
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let your applause go on for celine dion. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very nice to meet you. >> nice to meet you, as well. >> jimmy: i grew up in las vegas where you currently reside and make hundreds of millions of dollars, which i was not when i was there. i lost a few -- >> well, we have something in common. >> jimmy: do you love being there? >> i love being there, i can't believe it has been ten years that i have been there. and it is an amazing privilege [ cheers and applause ] >> privilege as a singer to be in a wonderful theater, 4,000 seats. almost every night. >> jimmy: and it is great, because instead of touring all over people come to you from all over. >> well, sometimes i go to them. sometimes they come to me. but i have to tell you that
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story -- normally it is pretty steady, cruise, you know it is loungy and calm. and about three weeks or a month ago, something that never happened in the theater before, which struck me bigtime. i was about to start all by myself, so when i was young -- and i started to sing and all that. i'm going to start it now. and then to make a long story shorter -- a fight started. >> jimmy: okay. >> a big fight. >> jimmy: a fist fight at a celine dion concert. >> turned out to be almost like a bloody concert. >> jimmy: really? >> i thought they were going to the bathroom. i saw a few people standing, you know, maybe they all went to the same restaurant, something happened. they're going to go to the bathroom. then i started to hear things, so i stopped the band, i was scared a little bit, i went to see the conductor, he said do you want us to skip to the end
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of the show now? i said no, no, people are here to see the show. someone started to take a picture and it was in the way. i don't know what went wrong. >> jimmy: i love that. >> i don't know exactly what went wrong, but i just hope it was not my singing. >> jimmy: well, i hope not, too, i doubt it was your singing, i think it was people's passion for you in general. >> and normally it goes pretty smooth. >> jimmy: well, it is nice, you don't have to go see boxing. >> they come to see my show. >> jimmy: that is right. >> the price is right. >> jimmy: living in las vegas, which i imagine must have been a crazy idea when you first heard it. because most of the people have this idea of las vegas, and most of this stuff they hear is kind of true. but when you're from there, you don't really realize it. but have you ever eaten at a buffet, for instance? >> i started my career at a buffet in las vegas, first of all i used to go to las vegas
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with both parents and rene. and i didn't sing there. so i was laying at the pool. >> jimmy: your parents had enough money with 14 kids to -- >> no, rene did. so -- >> jimmy: that makes more sense. >> yes. so no, i used to go there before i started to sing over there and have a wonderful time and the buffet are great. by the way. but that is how it started. >> jimmy: i can't imagine you in line with a plate of marked potatoes, that is what i'm thinking. >> lots of gravy. >> jimmy: now, speaking of that, growing up in the house with a lot of kids, that has to be -- we think of you as celine dion, as you were born a star, but you were born humbly. >> well, you come from a big family, as well. >> jimmy: not nearly, i have a brother and sister, and a dog. >> i'm the 14th. i'm the accident. >> jimmy: did you get anything to eat as a kid?
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>> that is why i couldn't wait to get to the buffet in las vegas, no, actually we were very lucky because both of my parents were wonderful, they were musicians, as well. but my mother was an amazing cook. i don't know if she remembered that. but i remember so clearly when i talk about food and being at the table because my mom used to count all of us to make sure we were all there. and somebody asked me not too long ago, i mean, there must have been a lot of dishes and things like that. i said you know, i don't remember once seeing the sink. i don't remember seeing an empty sink. it was constantly dishes. but the most extraordinary, we couldn't wait for our brothers and father to go fill up the car with gas. >> jimmy: why? >> maybe a few of you remember, every time we filled the car they would give us dishes. do you remember that? >> jimmy: no. >> but they used to give like a cup, and saucers and plates.
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>> jimmy: i know what you mean. >> and they were turquoise and plastic, they were beautiful. and you know what we used to do. we used to eat our dish, we didn't have enough money to fill the car constantly and we didn't have enough dishes to change to a dessert plate. we used to flip it. >> jimmy: and eat on the bottom of the dish? >> why not. >> jimmy: it is one of the craziest things i have ever heard. >> listen, try it, it is wonderful. first of all, you save a lot of time. you -- listen, my friend. when you have to do the dishes, you will flip your plate. >> jimmy: all right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is a great tip. do you have a lot of celebrities that come to see your show and visit you after the show? >> well, when we started this project, i can't believe it is ten years ago, people thought the boat was going to sink again. oh, my gosh, it is going to end her career, the titanic will
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sink, the vibe was bad. >> jimmy: well, you get like $100 million just to come to las vegas, right? >> i don't know how much. >> jimmy: i know. it is a lot. believe me, you can eat both sides of the plate if you want to. >> and i still do, actually. nothing changed. but i have to say that it is -- we used to have like a big canvas, like a big frame. and i said just in case somebody comes, even though they think i'm going to end my career and i'm going finish right here, if somebody known comes to see the show i'll make them sign. so i will collect autographs for my kids. >> jimmy: oh, that is nice. >> and they all came. >> jimmy: like who? >> a lot of people came, barbara streisand. >> jimmy: that is a big one. >> i didn't expect that one. michael jackson. >> jimmy: wow, that is a really big one. you can't really go up from there. >> silence of the lamb came. >> jimmy: the killer or anthony
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hopkins? >> yes. >> jimmy: is that how he signed it? did anyone refuse to sign -- >> actually the only person who refused to sign, if i may with all respect, i love him, he wrote a song for me and i love him tremendously. but he didn't own a name then, so he couldn't sign the board. prince, remember? >> jimmy: oh, yeah, that was his excuse, i don't have a name anymore? i can't sign? >> well, i don't know exactly what happened but i said would you give me the honor of signing my board, and he said i got to talk to you. he said i have no name right now. i'm a sign. so i said it is okay. >> jimmy: well, this is the new album, it is called "loved back to life" celine dion is here. we'll be right back.
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♪ $5 ♪ $5 footlong [ male announcer ] footlong nation rejoice! right now at subway, any regular footlong is a $5 footlong, all subtember long! subway. eat fresh. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, we are back, jim o'heir still to come, and celine dion is with us, she has a new album, she is at ceasar's palace, very exciting. and you actually are selling -- this is your house in florida, that is quite a house.
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now, is this a mobile home? >> we thought that there was not enough water so we kept adding some water to it. the reason why we want to spend a little more time, actually, in las vegas, we're rebuilding in las vegas, because the family grew -- >> jimmy: you need a bigger place. >> in las vegas, and i just think it is unfortunate that an amazing house built with so much love is standing there waiting for us to come back home. so right now maybe another family can enjoy it. >> jimmy: look at this, is this a water park? >> actually, if you want to go to disney. to the beach and be private and not wait in line. >> jimmy: you don't need to. your kids must have gone nuts or did they use it for like three days and get sick of it? >> no, no, they didn't get sick, but didn't go there so much, that is why we're selling it. if you want it, i can flip the plates for you. >> jimmy: well, thank you.
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this is your new album, and you did a bunch of duets, neo is one of your co-singers. stevie wonder. the insane clown posse is here. love me back to life -- i believe that is medically impossible. >> well, i think it is very possible. most people going through -- >> jimmy: it has -- >> nothing to do with both of us, thank god. when they offered me that song, it gave me an amazing -- you know, people go through dramatic things in their life, for example, they can go -- accident, and they can get into a coma. and you have people by their sides holding their hands and hoping they come back. and yes, it is possible. >> jimmy: some kids grow up without a water park in their life.
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>> the people are back to life and we have a water park! >> jimmy: this is it. love me back to life. and jim o'heir is here, and then you will sing something for us? >> it will be my honor. >> jimmy: celine dion, everybody. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel letting you know that the dq buy one, get one blizzard for 99 cents is the perfect summer treat to share with a friend. not only do they taste great, they're so thick that you can eat them upside down. right, guillermo? >> guillermo: right, jimmy. >> jimmy: how do you like it, guillermo? >> guillermo: i like it, jimmy. >> jimmy: well, since you're such a big fan of the blizzard, why don't you tell us a little more about it? >> guillermo: dq is a quintessential summer favorite, and the blizzard is a great way to keep summer going. they have lots of flavors including this one, the new choco covered cheesecake blizzard. i love it.
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>> jimmy: thank you, guillermo. you owe me half of that 99 cents. >> guillermo: okay. can we get down now, dumbass? [ laughter ] >> dicky: dairy queen. this is fan food, not fast food. right now, buy one blizzard, get one for 99 cents. only at your dq.
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[ cheers and applause ] welcome back, still to come, celine dion will sing for us, the next guest, on the very funny show, parks and recreation, returning september 26th, please welcome jim o'heir. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> this is awesome. >> jimmy: very good to see you. how did you get started in show business? what was your entry into this? >> it wasn't acting, it was radio. >> jimmy: oh, that is how i started. >> i'm a radio guy, took one of those broadcasting classes. >> jimmy: always a bad idea.
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>> always a horrible idea. you leave like with a three-minute demo reel, and they basically say send it out, we'll see what happens. you send it all over the country. you're not even good enough for us. we are like the littlest market in the world. i ended up in a town in indiana -- >> jimmy: how big a town? >> there is 25 people total, a very small town, but they have a am/fm radio station. >> jimmy: what is the radio station you worked at. >> wuir -- i worked, i did the a.m. station, i had a horribly embarrassing sign on. >> jimmy: what is it? >> well, my creative juices, good morning, i'm jim o'heir, in
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rensselear. >> jimmy: i have heard worse. and did you like working there? did you like the job? >> i worked 60 to 80 hours a week, making 120 a week, no money, everything involved. you had to work with carts, put the eight-track tapes into a machine, there is no money. the guy who ran it, i wouldn't say his name. he bartered everything. there was no money coming in. he was getting cars and snow mobiles. >> jimmy: he was trading. >> he was trading all right, and we had nothing. 120 bucks, we made nothing. >> jimmy: you don't want to mention his name? >> he facebooked me. >> jimmy: why don't you go find him and kill him? >> he had punched holes in the wall. he is crazy, yeah, yeah, but i will say this, i did a victory tour last year and stopped by there. all new owners. they're awesome and running it like a real radio station.
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the holes are still in the wall. he goes, that is a reminder. >> jimmy: wow, that is crazy. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and then family, did they support this move? >> yeah, my family always has been summer supportive. though when i moved there, again, $120 a week, what can you do? so i did get an apartment, and my folks come down the visit and my mom walks in. i knew it would be a little rough to get her through this. she is walking around, and all of a sudden she goes "what did we do wrong"? >> jimmy: oh, no. >> and my dad said i told you in the car, don't break down. she could not get through it. it was terrible, there are -- it was awful, when you make 120 a week, you don't get anything, you live off credit cards. crazy. >> jimmy: now you have parks and recreation, no one is nice to your character, jerry, on parks and recreation. >> jerry is the punching bag,
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what he has, christie brinkly is his wife, and he has three amazing daughters and a huge penis. >> jimmy: jerry is okay. well, you have a movie project that you're working on. it is a bio pick. >> a bio pick. and the treatment of an oscar speech one day, but if that were never to happen. i want to thank parks and recreation for working around my schedule and making it happen. it was exciting. >> jimmy: we have the trailer, i have it here, so let's look at jim's new film. >> a distant future, a star, forgotten. >> 40-year flashback with his saggy pants, he had legions of fans following his every move, but a very public meltdown. >> turn it off, turn it off! whoa.
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never throw a bottle in here. never say never! >> he lost his faith. hey, you know, i used to have 44 million twitter followers. >> what is twitter? >> hahaha. >> he lost his groove. >> i'll show you how it is done! baby, baby, baby, baby! [ laughter ] baby, baby, baby! >> he lost his voice. >> now i have nothing! >> but he just might find love.
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selena gomez, after all these years! i've missed you. >> i miss you too. now, kiss me! bieber, 2051 [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the kids are going to go nuts for that. fifth season premiere of "parks and recreation," thursday, september 26. on nbc. jim o'heir everybody. we'll be right back with celine dion.
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well, you've found delicious! ♪ ♪ if you wanna go and fly with me ♪ ♪ it's buzz the bee on your tv ♪ ♪ oh how did i get this way? ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ it is so honey swagalish ♪ so much crunch, can you handle this? ♪ ♪ the party in the bowl don't stop! ♪ ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ must be the honey!
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>> jimmy: her new album is called "love me back to life" coming out november 5th, here with the title track. celine dion.
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i was walking dead stuck inside my head i couldn't get out turned the lights down ♪ ♪ the voices inside were so loud needed a jump start ♪ ♪ catatonia i couldn't feel i wished that i could disappear ♪ ♪ the voices inside were so real ♪ ♪ but you stood by my side night after night night after night ♪
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♪ you loved me back to life life from the coma the wait is over ♪ ♪ you loved me back to life life ♪ ♪ from the coma we're lovers again tonight you woke me up ♪ ♪ one touch and a full heart you loved me back to life ♪ ♪ back to life thought i'd die the voices inside are so quiet ♪ ♪ but you stood by my side night after night night after night ♪ ♪ you loved me back to life life from the coma the wait is over ♪ ♪ you loved me back to life life
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from the coma we're lovers again tonight ♪ ♪ strong hands thick skin and an open heart you saw through the pain ♪ ♪ saw through the mask you never gave up on me ♪ ♪ y l


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