tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC October 15, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PDT
"jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, johnny knoxville and >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, johnny knoxville and jackson nicoll. julianne hough. and music from ariana grande. with cleto and the cletones. and now, more than ever, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you for watching! welcome to hollywood!
very kind of you. appreciate it. our congress today in case you haven't heard placed america's least favorite game show, no deal or no deal. day 15 of the government shutdown a. coccording to my ad calendar. seemed look they would do something after the biggest debt rating agencies warned it would downgrade our credit rating which would be bad, i think, i have no idea. aa sounds fine to me. president obama said he was hopeful an agreement would be reached tonight. then again he was also hopeful the obama care website would work and that isn't really happening. part of the problem is that republicans in the house can't even agree between themselves on what they want. which means obama doesn't know what to tell them they can't have. there is -- a major rift in the republican party.
between the moderates and the tea party. not only is it making compromise in washington very difficult, signs of discord are even starting to seep into their political ads. >> we are republicans. we believe in the principles america was built on. capitalism, free enterprise, individual initiative. we believe that every american should have the opportunity to succeed. >> except the ones you snuck over the border to take our jobs. >> right, obviously not them. >> we need to ship them the hell out, sayonara amigos. >> i think you mean adios. >> adios amigos. >> i don't know. i speak english just like jesus christ. >> jesus christ. we fight for lower tax thousands and less burdensome -- you are really not helping. >> i'm sorry. does my freedom fight bother you, commie. >> what did you call me?
>> you heard me, chairman mao. >> all right, that did it, you [ bleep ] nut job. come on, chump. take them off. put them up. the republican party, let's bring america together. available at walgreen's. >> jimmy: available at walgreen's. the -- the effects of shutdown are being felt in all sorts of places including the white house vegetable garden. because the gardeners have been furloughed, the vegetables in mrs. obama's garden are starting to rot. for real. is it possible that president obama intentionally engineered the shut down thing just so he would finally have an excuse to eat a cheeseburger instead of -- think about it. it is possible. i am anxious for the guys to get the things resolved. after 15 days, i'm starting to run out of jokes about it. every day the same thing. it's shut down. fortunately though, when we find
ourselves in this situation, we have a joke writing company overseas that helps us out. let's see if we can get ahold of them right now. dial them up. [ phone ringing ] >> i guess it's late over there. with the -- i didn't know what the time difference was. [ phone ringing ] >> hello? >> thank you for calling. >> jimmy: hello? >> thank you, yes. ask about our new just because bouquet. >> i am not taucalling about an edible arrangement. it's me, jimmy kimmel. >> gjimmy kimmel live. jimmy kimmel. how is it hanging around? >> jimmy: it's good. did eye whai wake you guys up? >> no, no, no. it is just that -- we did not
think we would be hearing from you since the news that your country is closed. >> jimmy: no, no, our country isn't closed. our government is shut down. the rest of us are still working. >> oh, good. that is superior news. >> jimmy: right. >> what can we do for you, mr. man of the late night? >> i was hoping you would have jokes about the government shut down. we went through all of ours >> oh, yes, yes. of course. of course. >> jimmy: oh, good. >> we have many fine jokes. let me get our number one him airous joke teller. let me get our number one hilarious joke teller. >> jimmy: roger, what any with the mask? >> oh, jimmy. i have sleep apnea.
>> jimmy: yeah, sorry, really sorry to wake you. >> jim gmy, big time chuckle busting. >> jimmy: i'm ready, roger. >> you ready? >> jimmy: i'm ready. >> why did chicken cross the road? >> jimmy: i don't know why did the chicken cross the road? >> he did not. >> jimmy: all right. [ indiscernible ] >> he came in like a wrecking ball! >> jimmy: that's not bad. but i don't know about the chicken crossing the road. do you have anything -- [ applause ] do you have anything else maybe i could use? something a little more current. current. >> health department. health department.
>> okay. okay. >> jimmy: yes. >> what do the department of health and human services have in common? >> jimmy: cory feldman? i don't know. what do they have in common. >> none of them have a job either! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. i don't know about -- i just need one kimmer jo killer joke. >> all right. all right. what do you want? >> how many congressmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? >> jimmy: i think screw in a lightbulb, yeah. how many congressmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
>> two. >> jimmy: what do you mean two? >> he is saying this is a job for a typical person to be completed by one person. but in this case, because of the extreme inskcompetence, it requires two individuals instead of one. >> jimmy: oh, i see. i mean that's not even a joke really. >> no, but your mama is! >> oh. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: oh, all right. all right. well. usa! usa! usa! >> jimmy: everybody go back to sleep. that's our friends. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] here is -- here is some bad news if you plan on traveling anytime during the rest of your life.
major airlines like southwest, united, alaska, have announced plans to install smaller seats on their planes. they're calling them slim line seats. they're lighter, which i guess saves money on fuel, and they're smaller, which will allow them to cram five or six more seats on to the plane. i always thought, well, what would make this flight better, more people on it. the airlines say passengers we won't notice the difference even though the seat padding is thinner and the aisles will be smaller. the airlines wanted to fit more on the plane maybe they would stop fei stop fattening us up. all the time. eventually they'll drug us and stack us look wood. 30 miles from l.a., in the city of industry, the first toilet themed restaurant opened, the magic restroom cafe, serves taiwanese food, you eat while sitting on toilet seats.
that's right. like to walk into the place. go where is your restroom. you know how bad it is when some one breaks up with you in a restaurant. iffage in sitting on the toilet when that happens. they also have toilet themed meals that they serve in -- in toilet shaped, whatever you do, don't order the number two. [ drum roll ] so, anyway. congratulations, medieval times you are no longer the worst themed restaurant in the united states. that's america in a nutshell. the government closes, a poop restaurant opens. on the subject of toilets. this is cute. a video going around. a boy in canada had too much to eat. gave himself a stomach ache. fortunately his caring mother, rushed to his side and began shooting video outside the bathroom door.
mom, close the door! >> jimmy: i hope you learned a lesson. >> jimmy: we are going to take a break. we have something fun planned for when we get back. this afternoon our musical guests tonight, ariana grande tweeted she would look her fans to come to the show in costume and the person with the best costume will win a chance to meet her. so, all right, let's cut the video feed outside. so they can't see us. what the fans don't realize. we chose three finalists. two are fans of ariana grande. and one is ariana grande in costume. disguides. when we come back, we will surprise her. plus -- johnny knoxville and jackson nicoll. julianne hough, and music from ariana grande. so come on back. ♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. >> johnny knoxville, julianne hough is here. ariana grande. very popular. more than 10 million followers on twitter. earlier today she tweeted her fans asking them to come to the show tonight dressed in costume. with a promise that the best costume would get a chance to meet her personally. so we chose three finalists, they are waiting on our outdoor stage right now. and they cannot hear or see us. you see the one in the chicken costume. these people don't know that is ariana grande. which should come as a big surprise. she may get torn apart before our very eyes. let's bring the video feed up outside. hello, everyone. >> hi, jimmy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: are you excited out
there? my cousin sal, what's that? >> teeny boppers behind me are very loud and very rude. >> jimmy: sal, you have three fir finalists narrowed them down. meet contestant one. what is your name? >> ducky. >> jimmy: why do you want to meet ariana? >> what? >> jimmy: why do you want to meet her tonight? >> she is my aye dieidol. i love her. >> jimmy: contestant two, what is your name? >> my name is leslie. >> jimmy: leslie, why do you want to meet ariana? >> because she is such an inspiring personn't. i love singing because of her. i want to be look her. >> jimmy: contestant three? >> my name is nicky. and i want to meet ariana because, i just feel like she is such a humble person even after she got so big. i am so proud of her i am so
happy to see i got to see her grow from you tube to her album see what she is now. >> jimmy: we will have a contest. see who deserves this the most. first challenge for all of you simultaneously, i would look to see you break dance. and show in news yazenthusiasm. you know how to break dance. here we go. break dancing. let's have the music. >> jimmy: wow. that's cool. pretty decent break dancing. next we have an ariana grande trivia question. this morning, ariana ate breakfast. what did she eat for breakfast, okay? start at the end with the clown? >> chicken. >> jimmy: chicken for breakfast? what? all right. are you living with the colonel.
what is going on at your house? >> i eat anything for breakfast. >> jimmy: all right. next up. >> cereal. >> jimmy: cereal is a more reasonable guess than chicken for sure. and, okay, and your guess, oh well there is a chicken. wow, almost cannibalism, what you mention in front of her. what, yeah what do you think ariana ate for breakfast this morning? >> oatmeal. >> oatmeal. >> jimmy: before the show, ariana wrote her answer on the card, her answer is oatmeal and mangos. that is very, very good. >> very close. pretty good. >> jimmy: all right. [ applause ] all right. now -- final challenge. i would look each of you to sing a verse from ariana's song right there. okay. let's start with the clown. any verse. >> okay. ♪ ♪ you should know i'm never going to change for for i'm always
going to stay you called me for me and right there, right there ♪ >> jimmy: pretty good. pretty good. all right. go off to the cat now. ♪ you should know i'm never going to change i'll always stay the same you call for me and i'm there ♪ right there ♪ >> jimmy: even better. finally. our -- our chicken. ♪ you should know i'm never going to change for for i'm always going to stay you call me for i'm right there right there ♪ >> jimmy: that was very, very good. it almost sounded, in fact, chicken take off your head there. >> i knew it. i knew it. i knew it. i knew it. wow.
>> jimmy: we have a winner. >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: hi ariana. as a sconconsolation prize you to meet becky, all right. >> oh, it is ariana grande. >> it is me. >> we'll see you later. >> i feel like -- >> jimmy: thank you for dressing up. and tonight on the program, julianne hough is here. we have music from ariana grande. and we'll be right back with johnny knoxville. stick around. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] 'cause you don't want to wait to eat your raisins. you don't want to wait to eat your raisins? no! why not?
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the program, starting friday you can see her star alongside russel brand in the new diablo cody movie, "paradise." julianne hough is here. with us tonight. and then, her album is called "yours truly." ariana grande from the sony outdoor stage. i think i ordered an ariana grande at starbucks yesterday. tomorrow night, danny mcbride will be here. from the movie "12 years a slave," chiwetel ejiofor. i hope i pronounced his name
right. we'll have music from arctic monkeys. and on thursday, kerry washington, science bob pflugfelder, and music from sleigh bells. join us for those shows too. if ever there were an artist fit to mentor and nurture impressionable young people in this industry, it is undoubtedly our first guest. he plays 89-year-old irving zisman, alongside nine-year-old jackson nicoll in the new movie "jackass presents: bad grandpa." >> grandpa, can i go ride it? >> yes. scram. >> thank you. >> what's your name? >> grandpa, this thing doesn't work. >> what do you want me to do about it? >> fix it. >> can't you see i was talking to a lady. did you put money in there? >> yeah. it doesn't work. >> oh, god. >> oh, nuts.
>> jimmy: "bad grandpa" opens in theaters a week from friday, please welcome johnny knoxville. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ how are you doing? this here, i feel like you may have a little rocket in it. i am going to get punched in the face or something. >> it looks really butch, huh. >> jimmy: what happened to bandages that looked like part of the human body. >> i don't know. people ask if i requested this. they gave tight me. >> jimmy: that's what they gave you. looks like you wrapped in electrical tape. what happened there? >> i tore the tendon out of my ring finger. >> jimmy: how did you do that in prayer? >> i was minding my own business at a frat house high on ecstasy how i did it. we were shooting some promos for bad grandpa at a frat house in
arizona, i was sitting, in the frat house. >> jimmy: which school? >> oh, god. university of arizona. >> jimmy: in tucson. >> so, apparently they had been really working themselves up for this. and people handed me some beers. and i took some sips. and -- 30 minutes later my heart starts racing. i am look what is going on. oh. i remember what's going on? some one had slipped me ecstasy. >> jimmy: they really did drug you? >> yes. >> jimmy: how does that happen? i mean that's, that's definitely illegal. it is an assault i think. >> you can look at it that way. i remember -- i'm like, some one gave me ecstasy. this is great. i haven't taken it since my 20s. i forgot how it felt. >> this, this is --
>> that's what happened. >> after the x hit, the wheels fell off, everyone. >> looks like it. >> in midair in the shot? >> oh, yes. >> jimmy: wow. that's -- >> i can't tell you how it happened. but i know, midway through the night, my ring finger on my left hand was stick up. wouldn't go down. i didn't feel it. >> jimmy: did this happen there too? >> i was shooting -- i was shooting something. and i asked my assistant can you just bring a variety of shoes tomorrow because i need you to kick me in the nuts. she brought these little fringe, fringe jobs like open toed sling backs. >> jimmy: i look how reasonably you put that. could you bring a variety of shoes tomorrow. i need you to kick me in the nuts. >> well i want to pick the right ones. and it took 16 takes. >> jimmy: she missed you a bunch of times. >> she is the -- of nut kicking.
missing high and to the right. >> jimmy: did you yell at her, "you missioned my nuts." >> i was dreading her kicking me in the leg than in the nuts. i was almost in tears. >> jimmy: i thought you were done with that stuff getting kicked in the nuts professionally. >> i don't know. >> jimmy: you dabble. what is happening in this? that's you and your bad grandpa. >> this is irving in love, these are the falcon twins, 71-year-old, prostitutes in amsterdam. they've avenue been at it for 50 years and have slept with 155,000 men. >> jimmy: that's a lot of men. you are blocking it with your hand. what are they holding in their hands? >> they were giving me far too much credit. they have two little, i don't know, hush puppies or something. a hush puppy and ape tooth pi t >> glad we got all the stuff out of the way before the kid comes
out here. you were talking about him. 9 years old. seemed look you had fallen in love with him. >> unbelievable. i never met a kid like thissen thissen -- this in my life. he insulted me all the time and hit me in the zipper. gyp he >> jimmy: he is great in the movie. funny. dangerous seem things happen. >> he is fearless. kids when they prank adults they get scared. jackson is the opposite. we have to back him down. jackson itch f it doesn't go go. don't yell at him. he is really hot. >> jimmy: he is backstage right now. we will take a break here. when we scum bacome back, bringn out. we'll get a look at him. more with johnny knoxville and jackson nicoll, too. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: johnny knoxville and jackson nicoll! jackson, you are 9 years old? >> yes. >> jimmy: how many movies have you done? >> pretty sure this is my ninth. no clue how many i have done. >> jimmy: what do you think of johnny knoxville? did you know who he was before you did the movie? >> before i met him i thought he was dumb. but he is smart. >> jimmy: why did you think he was dumb? >> getting hits by bulls a
million times. getting bit by a rattle -- no, getting bit by a snake, i think. >> jimmy: you had seen the "jackass" i hesitate to say the word in front of you. you had seen the movies? >> yes, i had. >> jimmy: you auditioned for this movie? >> why don't you tell the audition, johnny. >> jimmy: well -- well, john. >> thank you for punting to me. >> you are welcome. >> i worked with him. aisle knew he was perfect for what we needed to do the weave brought him in if i told him, i didn't tell him much. he came in and laid the director out with a come of punches to the zipper. >> because who told me? >> he told you. i see. i see. >> we had to do a prank. to make sure, you know, because some kids they might be fearless in the middle of it they can't do it. want to tell them about your audition for the prank.
>> jimmy: what was your audition. >> i had to pee my pants in public next to two guys. while eating my lunch. >> jimmy: what were you eating, having for lunch at the time? >> what was i having, i forget? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: just had to stand there and pee? >> no, i had something in my pocket. and i squeezed it. water went -- >> jimmy: did you look doing that? was it fun for you? >> it was freezing cold water. so i like -- i like him and the other guys getting in fights. and -- >> jimmy: there is a funny part of the movie. don't want to ruin anything. you are out in front of a place you. ask this guy, if he'll be your new daddy. you have this great uncomfortable conversation with this man. who you are asking to be your daddy. and then you tell hem yim you l him and he leaves. and it's -- do you do this kind of stuff in real life? are you a good student at
school? >> i'm pretty sure i am. i am not sure. >> jimmy: do you get good grade. >> my lowest is a d. hopefully not an f. >> jimmy: okay. do you get in trouble at school? >> that's one thing. like he comes on the set. and we hired him to be a little jerk. boy did he deliver. but at school he doesn't get in trouble. my kids came by the set one day. you were so gentle and sweet with them. i am like who is this kid. he is a good kid. he just when he gets around us, what we want him to do. he does it. >> i am dying to punch him right now. >> jimmy: go ahead. don't leapt t us stop you. >> that's what happened to his leg. >> jimmy: other than making movies what do you look to do for fun? >> fishing. >> what kind of fishing? >> salt waltter fishing for sharks. >> jimmy: for sharks? >> we bought a blue shark.
it snapped tuna line. >> jimmy: would you have kept it? >> no it was like 75 people on the bolt. >> jimmy: oh, really. they would have all been killed? >> i'm not going to promise that they wouldn't. >> jimmy: well, you did a great job in the movie. congratulations on it. have you seen the movie? it's rated r? >> yes. >> jimmy: yes. okay. well when you are in it, a different thing, right? yes, that's jackson. i have a feeling we will see a lot of you, hopefully not on the news. >> hopefully not in the prison. >> jimmy: that's right. "jackass presents: bad grandpa" johnny knoxville and jackson nicoll! we'll be right back with julianne hough. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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>> jimmy: for five magical seasons, our next guest paso doble-ed her way through dancing stars, until she was abruptly fired for stealing tank spray -- tanning spray from the show. but she landed on her feet, and her new movie "paradise" opens in theatres friday. please welcome julianne hough. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i saw you on dancing, back on "dancing with the stars" last week. as a judge this time. >> i was. the role was reversed. it was fun. >> jimmy: you were in the group of dancer. you guys have mixed feelings about the judges? >> yeah, i noticed everybody was a lot nicer. >> jimmy: they were nicer.
>> which by the way i get. because when i was on the show i was definitely nice to the judges. >> jimmy: you think that makes a difference, their personal feelings. play night. >> i don't know. no. i've kind of liked it. usually, it's like, she's back, oh. >> jimmy: yeah, right. they must hate you so much. because you got over the wall. you made it into real show business. your brother is on "dancing with the stars." was that weird judging him? >> not really. i mean, okay, so she has two, or he has four mirror ball trophies, i had two back to back. always this competition thing. then he got four. look at me. i got two more than you. and i was like, i've been making movies. then he, then he got an emmy. i was like, great. one up me again. >> jimmy: you are falling behind. you need to get back on the show. how many houghs are there in show business, you and derek. >> just the two of us.
i do have an uncle, uncle scott, who lives in idaho, who is a dj, like does weddings and -- and like spins at the local bowling alley. and but he, he, he does impersonations. >> jimmy: uncle scott. he does? >> like he does the tick, and simpsons all that stuff. >> jimmy: impersonations from 2001. >> or 1998, yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: he, he wants to be like -- >> he does. the last time i was in idaho. i had some friend over. he is like, yeah, if you could hook me up? i was like, i don't know how to hook you up with voiceovers. >> jimmy: uncle scott need a reality show. >> my other uncle was on "hotel hell" my dad was like, do not say you are related to my kids. >> jimmy: what is, hotel hell, gordon ramsey. you have a hotel.
>> any way, yeah. >> jimmy: that's something awesome. >> jimmy: we hear you are from a very religious family is that sf true? >> we grew up in utah. yeah. >> jimmy: they're okay with you in hollywood with god knows what, god knows who? >> that's my dad. he as special esp or something. like where, every time i'm out and like probably not doing the right thing, i will get a text immediately. are you doing the right thing with the right people at the right time? i'm like, of course, my dad. >> jimmy: are you doing the right thing with the right people at the right time? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and some how, he knows. >> he just knows. ooh, past midnight. i should go. >> jimmy: possible he is tracking you somehow. you can do that on the phone, where you know somebody is. >> that its true. never thought about that. uh-oh. >> jimmy: your dad could be working for the nsa or something. the movie, you play, your character is kind of look that
in, in a way, right? >> yeah, i play a christian e van gemmie -- evangelist, got in a plane crash, burned over 2/3 of her body. >> jimmy: i knew that one day, that little julianne will be burned at least 2/3 of her body in a movie. diablo cody. her directorial debut. >> jimmy: you must have been excited when sheep cho ed she c role. >> crazy excited. a huge role. a lot of people wanted. i don't know why she picked me. thought that i could do it. but i thanked her every single day. not only just for growing professionally, even personally it made me think about my own views of like, religion and all that. >> russell brand is in the movie also. he has his own views -- >> he took us to a yoga class. i thought i would be sweating,
working out. it was this house, cats, dogs, everywhere. you don't pay for the class, unless -- put it in the jar, whatever you want. they're making vegan, bacon crisps, and you get in the class it is just chanting. i thought i was going to be stretching and sweating, but yeah, definitely an experience. >> jimmy: there was no yoga at all? >> no. >> jimmy: at the yoga class. >> no. i think it is a special kind of yoga. >> jimmy: yes, for lazy people. >> ha-ha, yeah. >> jimmy: who want to eat bacon while cats and dogs run around. congratulations, proud of you here at abc. grew up before our very eyes. here you are in movies and everything. julianne hough! "paradise" opens in theaters friday. when we come back, music from ariana grande. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
once wrote something on a sheet of paper ♪ the challenge always accepted. and the calling forever answered. ♪ introducing the all-new 2014 s-class. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. too small. too soft. too tasty. [ both laugh ] [ male announcer ] introducing progresso's new creamy alfredo soup. inspired by perfection. [ female announcer ] at 100 calories,
not all food choices add up. some are giant. some not so giant. when managing your weight, bigger is always better. ♪ ho ho ho ♪ green giant [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'd like to thank johnny knoxville, and his grandson, jackson nicoll, julianne hough, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time.
"nightline" is next, but first, here with the song, "right there", from her debut album, "yours truly," ariana grande. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ if you wanna party if you if you wanna party then put your hands up put your ♪ ♪ hands up if you wanna party if if if you wanna party then put your hands up put your hands up you got ♪ ♪ it you got it babe you got it you got it babe you got it you got it babe you got it you got it babe ♪ ♪ for my number one girl who got the top spot title spent an hour in the bathroom walked out looking like a model ♪ ♪ god doing what you do got me right there with apollo on the moon who needs genies in a ♪ ♪ bottle girl if they already got you boy you make me feel so lucky finally the ♪ ♪ stars align never has it been so easy to be
in love and to give you this heart of mine ♪ ♪ you know what i need aye i know what you like aye put it all together baby we could be all right hey how could this be wrong ♪ ♪ when it feels so right yeah i really love you i really love you and i'll never let you go you should know i'm ♪ ♪ never gonna change i'm always gonna stay you call for me i'm right there right there right there right there ♪ ♪ cause you listen and you care you're so different no one compares and if you never change i'm gonna ♪ ♪ stay right there i'll always be right there you got it you got it babe you got it you got it babe i get ♪ ♪ butterflies just
thinking about you boy you're on my mind sometimes i catch myself daydreaming lost ♪ ♪ in your eyes and i lose all track of time you know what i need aye i know what you like aye put it all together baby ♪ ♪ we could be all right hey how could this be wrong when it feels so right yeah i really need you i really love you and i'll never let ♪ ♪ you go and i'll never let you go you should know i'm never gonna change i'm always gonna stay you call for me ♪ ♪ i'm right there right there right there right there 'cause you listen and you care you're so ♪ ♪ different no one compares