tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC November 26, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PST
>> hello, i'm jimmy. i'm host of the show. it is a big night tonight with a big finale of "dancing with the stars" i am sad it is over. you know what they say, when one season of "dancing with the stars" ends, another begins almost immediately. last night, i don't know if you have been following the show, but the comedian was eliminated. bill had the grace and easy elegance of a squirrel getting electrocuted. he stuck around for a while, i guess he got a lot of votes. but the three surviving dancers tonight, three finalists were jack osborne from the osbornes, corbin blue from high school musical, and amber riley from glee. before the season started as is tradition, i bet real green american money on amber riley to win it all? did sunhe win? did i win the title once again? i don't know. we tape the show before.
and all i want is my money. that's all. and while season -- what was it 84 of "dancing with the stars" may be ending. we are a scant 5 1/2 weeks away from a new sea son of tson of t bachelor. abc is enthusiastic about the premiere of the new bachelor. this i swear the promo they ran for the first time last night is 100% real. >> sunday, january 5th. a new season of the bachelor begins. we have two word fs for you, america -- juan pablo. >> pablo. >> pablo. >> pablo. >> pablo. >> juan pablo. >> he is so cute. my gosh. >> here is more word. >> juanderful. and juan-in-a-million. the bachelor event. starts sunday, janua juan-uary .
>> you didn't say his name. who ever came up with that should be sent to juan-tanamo bay. >> if you hadn't gotten married, you would be juan pablo. >> and it that's special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their phones. and i'm going to start by telling my parents i'm gay, it never gets old. thanksgiving means the triumphant return of the mini-marshmall mini-marshmallow. the politically correct term is mini-marshmallow. five foot nothing, 100 nothing. they get right out there on top of the amps.
mini-marshmallows are part of food items you see once a year around this time. mini-marshmallows, fried onions, stuffing cubes, yams and cranberry sauce in a can. also known as super friend of thanksgiving. after thanksgiving, thanksgiving might be the best holiday we have here in america. but we take a sharp nose-dive into what is probably the worst day of the year, black friday. some shoppers have been sleeping outside the store since monday of last week. and that is nuts. that is a very good way to get on the local news. >> $1.99. >> yes. >> i will probably need a laptop. >> how much will you pay for the laptop? >> $177. >> scum paired to how much it usually costs.
compared to how much it usually costs? [ indiscernible ] >> jay: was that toronto mayor rob ford. just in line to use the restroom to wash my feet. quite a group out there. here is the solid black friday shopping tip. if you are looking for one. find out who is spending a week in line, and figo shopping at their house. local authorities are now even going out of their way to warn citizens of the dangers of black friday shopping. police here in l.a. asked an 83-year-old woman to tell her black friday story in a hope that others will avoid a similar fate. >> officers held a news conference today at topango mall, they say remember, lock it, hide it, keep it. a crime victim was there to share here story. >> the car drove up behind me. a young man got out.
pointed a gun at me. and said -- >> jay: you can take away her purse, but you can't take away her potty mouth. a lot of people love it. i don't know if it is the adrenaline rush, as you burst through the doors are getting out of the house for a night. for a lot of people, black friday shopping, just as close as they will get to participating in the hunger games in real life. and, like the hunger games this too is turned into a big budget holiday film. >> this friday --
"black friday." >> speaking of savage beatings, mike tyson is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and i hope you brought him a chanukah gift. mike tyson is here promoting his new book which is i sentence i never thought i would hear myself say. and this is interesting, i was informed by my producers before the show, mike has something he would like to say about black friday. and they thought now might be a good time for him to do that. so please put your hand to ggetr for mr. mike tyson, everybody. >> when you are black, every friday is black friday.
he does make a good point. the holidays are -- a time when we -- we gain weight. this is happening in london. i am shocked it wasn't developed here in l.a. exercise in this yoga class are taken to a whole new level. it is doga. a yoga class for dog lovers and their best friend. instructors say the mix of massage, chanting, promotes a healthy life and can reduce anxiety for owners and their dog. >> swing your dog from side to side. >> performing yoga while the dog feed from they palms.
i am going to guess she is single. doga. can't combine dog and yoga and act like it is a thing. there is no yoga for dogs. if it was, would dogs do downward human. maybe this is how the british are getting us back for thanksgiving. it is kind of weird that we have a big feast every year, celebrating the fact that we escaped from england. i mean, you know england is probably our closest ally. yet we have the big divorce party every november. and we have the fourth of of julie on t julie -- and we have the fourth of july on top of that. and i feel like some of them are starting to get sick of it. >> hello, i am gary oldham with a special message for my american friend. this year as you consume your feast of thanksgiving, kconside this.
not only do you flee our homeland to pay taxes, and now with a big fat food orgy. we get it, you are thankful to get rid of us. but guess what we are glad you aren't british any more. the pilgrims were the wiliest mix-ups in history and wear ridiculous hats and buckles on my shoes, to assert my freedom. me, me, me, me, me! well [ bleep ] off! and good riddance, you, you, honey boo-boos! ♪
god save the queen! [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. we will take a break. when we come back we assembled some local school children to tell you the story of the first thanksgiving/chanukah crossover. casey affleck, mike tyson, and steve aoki and music from linkin park. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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>> jimmy: hi, welcome back, casey affleck, linkin park, steve aoki. this is interesting. thanksgiving and chanukah fall on the same day this year. very rare. to celebrate the once in a lifetime occasion, we asked children from shepard skill elementary to put on a school play for us. they said yes. they are here tonight with the first and only production of the first chanukah-thanksgiving. please welcome the shepard elementary school players. >> this is a story of the very first time the jews met the indians. the date 1615, the place,
plymouth, massachusetts. >> let's pick corn for the harvest feast. >> howard are we lost again? >> quit the nagging, i can't hear myself think. >> let's ask these nice people. hello. >> i'm howard. >> how, howard. >> we are trying to get to boca. >> we don't want to be late for chanukah. >> i have never heard of boca or chanukah. but you are welcome to join our feast. >> the native americans and the jews prepared a feast, bringing
together their two cultures. and that night they celebrated. >> here is delicious cornbread. >> vegetables. >> we brought tow day tow pancakes. >> what do you normally make for dinner? >> reservations. [ drum roll ] >> oh, no, we forgot the turkey. you can't have thanksgiving without a turkey. >> we forgot the menorah. you can't have chanukah without a menorah. >> the holiday is ruined. >> and just as they thought all hope was lost. a miracle happened.
>> the end! >> jimmy: that was -- that was ridiculous. very nicely done. great job. great job. you were the saddest one of them all. all right. and that's -- that's how it happened, right? a big round of applause for the kids, everybody. mike tyson was here. and we have music from park with steve aoki, and we'll be right back with casey affleck. ♪
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safeway. ingredients for life. tonight on the program, his new memoir is called "undisputed truth" and it is wonderful. mike tyson is here. and then, their album of remixes is called "recharged" linkin park is here with steve aoki from the sony stage. tomorrow night, patton oswalt will be here, elizabeth olsen will be with us, and we'll have music from the 1975.
i asked you to john us -- join us then. by the way i would look to point out. we made a real connection here, two young men in our audience. two men from -- from different land. one visiting us from melbourne, australia. the other from the land known as new jersey. and, and they each came alone tonight. and so we paired them up. and i mean who knows where this will go, right? are you guys getting along? >> yeah, he seems great. >> what about you? what about you, do you like jayden. >> yeah, he's good as well. >> jimmy: have you ever met any one from australia before? >> no, i have been there before. >> jimmy: you have been there before? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you didn't meet any people? >> no. >> jimmy: he needed help. and, well -- i'm glad you have now met one.
hopefully another one. if this date goes well, we'll pay for another one. all right, in addition to -- being a director who is persuasive enough to convince joaquin fine, to act like a nut for a year. you can see him alongside christian bale and woody harrelson in the new movie "out of the furnace." >> like patty said you did, i am going to have to teach you a lesson? >> no, he is good. he is good. >> teach me a lesson. >> i gave you my word. >> yeah, teach you a lesson. >> everything is good. >> let me hear you say it. >> teach me a lesson. >> remember what we talked about?
>> is this boy deaf? you been hit too many times? >> ha-ha. >> jason, we talked, everything is good. >> ha-ha-ha. >> jimmy: that is good. "out of the furnace" opens in theaters december 6th, please welcome casey affleck. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: what is going on? >> something is happening. my fly isn't closing. it's closed. >> jimmy: i mean, you are blessed, what are you going to do? >> get some tape. >> jimmy: i can't believe this is your first time on the show. we have spent, you know, i was going out with your brother for a while. >> yeah. and then you brock up. and now we stayed friend. >> jimmy: we stayed in touch. what was it last time i saw you.
i saw you at a charity event. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: which we had fun. and a lot of stuff is for sale, you left in the middle of the auction. >> jimmy: that's not true. what i look to do. instead of getting, i just give. i bid on nothing. throw money at the charities. i get nothing in return. whilt d what did you bid on? >> lot of stuff. lot of stuff. i got some stuff. >> jimmy: i saw you at the despicable matt damon's wedding. >> you were officiating, did the ceremony. >> renewal of the vowels. he removed the second a and the o. it was about time they were starting to get musty. >> that was weird.
why did you do that? >> jimmy: it was some sort of community service thing. what do you mean why do i do that? >> do you do that often? are you a priest? >> i was an altar boy for seven years. >> jimmy: i never did it before. >> you did all right. what was weird, chris hemsworth was in the crowd. and you said in the middle of it, "oh, look, there is thor." i don't know if that was appropriate. >> jimmy: have you ever officiated an event. >> if i was at a wedding, i wouldn't go, look, there is thor. >> jimmy: if you saw a norse god in the audience, you wouldn't say anything. >> you didn't say anything about me? >> jimmy: you are not thor. i'm sorry, next time i will recognize you. if there is a next time. >> where are those guys? >> jimmy: they are right there. [ applause ]
>> i met mike tyson. we got along backstage. >> jimmy: did you. >> this is a place where people come together. >> jimmy: like match.com. well, you are fighting in the movie. by the way, you are kind of scary in the movie. bare-knuckle fighter in the film. >> i am not scary. >> jimmy: does that still go on? >> that is a real thing. that is a real thing. it its, it is really savage. i don't like, i don't like watching real violence. violence in move vez, some times is fine. but like real fights. or i watch some of them online. illegal, bare knuckle, fights. i had to look like i could do it for this. and which was kind of hard. because i am not that guy. so they had, quickly realized, there wasn't going to be like, send him to the gym.
he'll be fine. they brought in an olympic, like a trainer, fought in the olympics, and then heap fau fou. use to spar with mike tyson. had to bring in the biggest gun they could find to get me to look like i could throw a punch. he worked with me for months. finally i looked like i may hurt somebody if they were standing totally still with their arms down. and then they didn't get up and i hit them and someone said cut. you know what i mean? if that happens. i'm a killer. >> jimmy: that will be it. do you ever fight for your brother growing up? do you ever have -- i would imagine a fist fight. you guys all grew up together. he is a really it really is? >> matt is not a bully. i fought with my older brother, as brothers do. and i don't know where that, where am i supposed to go with
senate. >> jimmy: who would win the fights? go where your heart takes you. >> i was a little tougher i think. >> jimmy: tougher than ben? >> yeah, i was for a time. >> jimmy: is that right. i would look ike to see you fign the show. >> jimmy: do that for me. >> fight ben on the show? what do i get out of it? >> jimmy: on christmas eve. wouldn't that be great. they'd love it. they'd love it. >> unbelievunbelievable. savages. barbarians. want to see fights. by the way that was so cute, the kids. and the prop i saw fell over. the chanukah play. when i was that age, just want to tell you, i went to a school, named after rosa parks, the woman who refused to give up her seat on the bus. >> jimmy: everyone know who that is. >> didn't want to embarrass you. rosa parks, do you know who she
is, jimmy? >> jimmy: yeah, the lady, she drove a bus. >> she came, very, very old. i've went to a public grammar school. happened to be named after her. she was coming to the school. no other school was named after her. she came. we put on a play. i was a lion. in second grade. and a big ma nechne. i ran on stage. the mane came off. fell off in my big moment. i thought what do i do? and it was like, i thought about running away. i thought about putting it back onn't on. i thought about roaring. seemed like an eternity. picked it up. put it back on. did my roar. moved on. boom. career, 38 years old. now i'm an actor. >> jimmy: you can see that ability "out of the furnace" very good. opens in theaters december 6th. we'll be right back with mike tyson.
okay, who helps you focus on your recovery? yo, yo, yo. aflac. wow. [ under his breath ] that was horrible. pays you cash when you're sick or hurt? [ japanese accent ] aflac. love it. [ under his breath ] hate it. helps you focus on getting back to normal? [ as a southern belle ] aflac. [ as a cowboy ] aflac. [ sassily ] aflac. uh huh. [ under his breath ] i am so fired. you're on in 5, duck. [ male announcer ] when you're sick or hurt, aflac pays you cash. find out more at aflac.com. ♪ at our thanksgiving we're gonna make our turkey fly ♪ ♪ that's my kind of holiday.
introducing the dollar menu & more. with new hits, like the $2 bacon mcdouble, plus others, still for a dollar, like the mcchicken. the new dollar menu & more. ♪ i needed a new laptop for my pre-med classes, something that runs office and has a keyboard. but i wanted a tablet for me, for stuff like twitter and xbox, so my downtime can be more like uptime. that's why i got a windows 2 in 1 which does both -- works as a laptop and a tablet. so i can manage my crazy life, and also have a life. [ beep ] gotta go. ♪ gotta go.
maybe smarter than we know. cats are smart. so they deserve new fresh step scoop-able litter. it eliminates odors better than ever. thanks to carbon and added plant extracts. it's the smart litter your smart cats deserve. ♪ it's black friday ♪ we're shopping deals ♪ in little black dresses ♪ cute hair and heels. ♪ let's go! ♪ that's my kind of holiday.
turns your smart phone into a camera. it's nifty. to help get the word out. we sent my cousin sal toout to hollywood boulevard to show people. >> excuse me, would you like me to take a picture of you two? okay. why don't you get in there? i will take a picture of you and your lovely wife. get you right in front. i will fry to ctry to capture a goings-on. one, two. >> you can't come in here. ted, ted, they have a point. i didn't steal your phone. i upgraded your phone. using the qx 10 lens from sony. now you won't take crappie pictures. see, everyone is excited about
it. all right. look at this the best part. comes right off. isn't that something? look at this. i am taking pictures right now. the best one. oh, that's a keeper. you'll love that. well -- thank you. awesome. >> pretend you look each other. move back. want to show off the zoom. back, back. keep going. when you get hit by a car you will know it is far enough. aren't you happy? take care. you should be sorry. you should be sorry. you were out of control. >> the qx lens style camera, only from sony.
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all sleek and slender. you are doing it girl! how do you do it? and beats audio? so you sound just as good as you look? ok then! hold up, hold up! somebody better tell me something. you're a laptop and a tablet? girl, i didn't know you had that whole split personality thing going on. sexy. the hp pavilion x2. with beats audio.
>> loox . >> looking slim. >> looking dapper yourself. >> jimmy: your book is great. on "the new york times" best-seller list. >> you know i am a boxer promoter, three of my fighters, scored sensational knockouts, eriksson lubben and albert bell, three sensational fighters, future of boxing, iron mike productions and i would loike t congratulate them. >> jimmy: congratulations to them. you are writing. promoting. what's going on for thanksgiving at the tyson house. >> listen, man. really nothing. i have kids. i am a muslim. we don't celebrate the stuff. i have assertive kids. they don't get it yet. maybe i have to get their gran
father. they're strong minded kids. have to have a little christmas, little thanksgiving. they have to enjoy the holidays and stuff. >> jimmy: they go to school. everybody has pilgrim hats on. >> my daughter, milan, she was the vampire, and rocco, the tiger, you know, tiger. >> jimmy: a tiger in the house again. that's nice. do the kids know that you own tigers at the time? >> older kids. >> jimmy: would you have something like that again? >> i have to have my private, when i ever, ever, make any money anymore i have to have my private compound. not around the kids. >> jimmy: tyiiger around the ki, a bad idea. >> when they fought, it smells like -- >> jimmy: the kids or tiger. >> both. both. both. really bad.
really bad. >> jimmy: what is it, you slept with the tiger? >> of course you sleep with the tiger. baby tiger. they grow. like champion they continue to grow. next thing you know, they're 300, 400 pound and still in the bed with you. >> jimmy: there is some crazy stuff about this tiger, you put the tiger in don king's townhouse? >> oh, man, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: why? why did that happen? >> i had to have some where to store him so i could go do my show. i had a show to do. think a boxing dinner, i stored them in don's -- townhouse -- on the eastside of 60st and 1st. >> jimmy: did don know you were putting the tiger in his place? >> i needed a place to store the tiger. [ applause ] >> jimmy: what happened? >> everything had, they had to reconstruct the house. it was just bad. bad. >> jimmy: the tiger destroyed the place.
>> it was bad. really bad. it was unlivable. you couldn't live there. >> jimmy: you came back. you opened the door. and it was demolished? >> and, good thing i took the cat and we, escaped before don got there. >> jimmy: yeah, right. yeah. i think he deserved it by the way. >> i've don't know. it was really bad. >> jimmy: it was bad. i also learned this about you. you were a fan of barbra streisand? >> yeah, i saw one of her shows not too along ago. >> jimmy: you did? what is your favorite barbra streisand song. ♪ memories [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i never would have figured you for a barbra streisand fan. ♪ enough is enough is enough [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: have you met barbara? >> yes, twice, twice. once when i fought larry holmes, she came in my dressing room with don johnson.
yes, don johnson at the time. she shook my hand the i was too ignorant. i should have stood up. i had my hand out. hi. wow, this is pretty awesome. >> jimmy: you feel look you blew that opportunity with barbara? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. tell, there is a story in the book. about, you -- you went into a rolls royce dealership. >> oh. >> jimmy: the sales guy came up to you. >> yes he did. they always come up to me, rolls royce dealers. >> jimmy: the first guy they go up to. i was a rolls royce man. rolls and royce. >> jimmy: and you wound up -- >> there is two people. rolls and royce. >> the guys, the rolls royce, one guy wiz rolls and royce. >> jimmy: a guy, rolls? wonder if he was fat? >> very debonair, very business oriented. >> jimmy: had no idea.
>> you do now. you are aware. you are aware. i love coming here on the show. >> jimmy: rolls and royce. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: rolls and royce. how many rolls royces did you buy? >> i have purchases quite a few, jimmy. >> jimmy: you bought all of them. >> quite a few. >> jimmy: who did they go to? why weren't we hanging around back then? >> it wasn't meant to be, jimmy. it wasn't meant to be. >> jimmy: this is another great fact from the book. your probation officer -- >> why we got to talk about the law? why is the law involved with this show? these people? the probation officer is involved with the law? >> jimmy: the guy stopped by your house during an orgy. now is that -- is that a positive or negative as far as probation guys are concerned? >> i don't think that was good, some cocaine was on the property
too. >> jimmy: did you -- invite him to take part in the orgy? how do you get an orgy going? >> i don't known, but you know,i have never, i just know one thing, she never saw my probation officer. i just barely knew the girl. mike, your probation officer is at the door, you never saw an a deflated erection so quickly. jimmy, jimmy, jimmy, i didn't know, i was like, oh, i dent know what to do? i didn't know what to do. i was sure i was, i dent knidn' what to do. i was just stuck, like [ bleep ] what do i do? i'm going back to jail. he comes up and seen these people naked, and their eyes are glassy, and i'm high, and oh, god. >> jimmy: that is a fix that you found yourself in is what it is.
>> jimmy: new best friends. jimmy: i'd like to thank casey affleck, mike tyson and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. nightline is next, but first from this album "recharged" here with the song "a light that never comes" linkin park and steve aoki. ♪ put them up y'all ♪ nah you don't know me
lightning above and a fire below me you cannot catch me ♪ ♪ cannot hold me you cannot stop much less control me when it rains it pours ♪ when the floodgates open brace your shores that pressure don't care when it breaks your doors ♪ ♪ say it's all you can take better take some more oh cause i know what it's like to test ♪ ♪ fate had my shoulders pressed with that weight stood up strong in spite of that hate oh night gets darkest right before ♪ ♪ dawn what don't kill you makes you more strong and i been waiting for it so long chester the nights go on ♪ ♪ waiting for a light that never comes
i chase the sun waiting for a light that never comes ♪ ♪ ohh oh ohh ohh oh ohh oh waiting for a light that never comes come on jump jump jump let me see you come on on jump jump jump ♪ you guys like that? make some noise down there! when i was young ♪ ♪ they told me they said make your bed you lie in that bed a king can only reign til instead there ♪ ♪ comes that day it's off with his head night gets darkest right before dawn ♪ ♪ what don't kill you makes you more strong you'll have my mercy then when you're gone chester the nights go on ♪ ♪ waiting for a light that never comes i chase the sun waiting for
a light that never comes ohh oh ohh ♪ ♪ ohh oh ohh oh ohh oh waiting for a light that never comes and i told them nah ♪ ♪ you don't know me lightning above and a fire below me you cannot catch me cannot hold me you ♪ ♪ cannot stop much less control me when it rains it pours when the floodgates open ♪ ♪ brace your shores that pressure don't care it breaks your doors say it's all you can take better ♪ ♪ take some more ♪ i want to see some hands right now ♪ ohh oh ohh ohh oh ohh oh ohh oh ohh ♪ ♪ ohh oh ohh oh waiting for a light that never comes