tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC November 27, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PST
great show of hand, how many were in line because you thought you would get 40% off on electronics tonight. happy thanksgiving. tonight i am thankful for you. and the first thanksgiving was held in 1621. it lasted three days, it was burning man for people and then it became a national holiday, 150 years ago by order of abraham lincoln. at that time in the middle of a civil war. americans were killing each otheric human rights. and many years later we kill over discounted playstations. more than anything, play station means three nights of sleeping in my childhood bed. uncomfortable part about thanksgiving, you sit down to eat. before you do, your mom decides everyone should go around the table and decide what you are thankful for. that is the part i am least
thankful for, to be honest with you. you can't eat in till you answer. a good idea to go in with an answer in mind. here's one you can use when it comes to you, you have to say what you are thankful, just say togetherness. then, get up and kiss everyone at the table on the head. it works every time. i have been thinking what i am most thankful for this year. if i am being perfectly honest. it is this, that beautiful -- toronto mayor rob ford. and to celebrate thanksgiving, president obama participated in what is the silliest of all the presidential traditions of the pardon of the turkey. two turkeys were selected. there they are, caramel and popcorn. for real. pardoning turkeys or strippers. because, i do see popcorn is male, 37 pounds. 6 ounces. 1'11." his walk is a proud strut.
favorite food, corn. favorite song is halo by beyonce. this is what they come up with. caramel is male. 38 pounds, 4 ounces. 2 feet tall. his walk is steady and deliberate. his favorite song is "bad romance" by lady gaga. i didn't even know there were gay turkeys. they both look delicious. in the end, popcorn was vectic victorious. most voted for popcorn. he got to live? i don't know. and brought his daughter, sasha and malia to the ceremony. i don't know what is going on here. is he blessing the turkey? by the way, what crime did these bird commit here? he is absolving the turkeys of their sins. before the blessing of the poultry, obama gave a speech. though a lighthearted affair. he ran into a surprise league tough crowd. >> 80 turkeys on the farm competed for the chance to make it to the white house and stay
off the thanksgiving table. it was quite literally the "hunger games." >> jimmy: ha-ha-ha. thank you, malia. thank you for that sarcastic courtesy laugh. i know y and now you are going to guantanamo bay. there are a lot of wild turkeys in the united states. in the 19 third there were 30,000 left in the country. they bounced back in a big way. now more than 7 million wild turkeys. not just on farms and stuff. flocks of wild turkeys living in regular neighborhoods. wild turkeys wandering around new york city. and most credit their population res resurgence to this. first there was grindr, then tinder, now gobblr. the dating app for turkeys. wade through hundreds of single turkeys in your area. perfect for meet-ups and
hook-ups. gobblr, soon up today. time's a-basting. gobble-gobble. [ cheers and applause ] today is the busiest travel day of year. a lot of plans are ruined because of a big storm on the east coast. parts of pennsylvania and new york got a foot and a half of snow today. there is even a tornado in florida, almost 600 flights have been canceled. almost 7,000 flights have been delayed. which is terrible news for travelers and great news for cinnabon. also could be bad news for the annual macy's thanksgiving day parade tomorrow morning. the threat of high wind could force them to ground their famous giant character balloons. there is talk they may have to hold the parade inside macy's this year. and did they know they could play the parade from last year, no one would ever have any idea. for safety reasons though -- the organizers of the parade, won't
allow ba llloons to fly if wind are above 23 miles an hour. if wind get fast enough they're capable of dragging people on a magical floog a magical flying adventure. it is not a macy's day parade without spiderman, sponge bob, new jersey governor chris christie. by the way, no one is praying harder for wind right now than matt lauer. at this point how sick is he of the parade? how sick is he of getting up at 3:00 in the morning on a holiday and saying "oh, look there is bullwinkle." do kids know who it is? time to put a pin in bullwinkle. he is not real. don't worry. time for black friday. charge your tasers. make sure you have pepper spray. a lot of weird things, unsavory things. violence is one of them. i am most interested in the people who camp outside stores, for some times weeks, to get in
on these deals. on monday night. a loine of people camping out a best buy. >> we have one, two, three tents. just in the corner, you can see, just a man there. in the sleeping bag. we are hoping there will be a way, i am sure they will wake up shortly. keeping our distance. we are sure they are very tired. >> jimmy: and/or dead. i hope best buy is running a sale on socks. and last night talked to people waiting in line there. and this happened. >> you could say black friday started to day, at least on line. making you wonder just how much longer people like this guy and this chair at this best buy will have off to wait in line to get the best deal. >> jimmy: i have unsettling news for you, george. there is no one in that chair. you're talking to a fannypack. i want to wish a happy chanukah to all of our jewish viewers,
chanukah, of course, the jewish holiday. ba this is a special time of the year, kids around the world are reminded dreidels are boring, right, guillermo. >> guillermo: right, jimmy. >> jimmy: guillermo is jewish. something i hope i don't run into, doing my shopping, bess davis got a bit of a surprise at wal-mart. a disturbing experience. but she was kind enough to capture some of it on video for all of us to enjoy. >> it remind us, we can use a few items inside the wal-mart. before shopping she goes to the bathroom and found way more than she bargained for. >> you were masturbating in the women any restroom. i name is beth davis, i witnessed it. you were naked. had your pants down around your ankles. someone stop him. do not let him go out that that
door. stop this man! stop that man! >> who gets up at 8:30 in the morning and decide they're going to go to wal-mart and take off all their clothes and masturbate? pretty sick. >> jimmy: i mean, noon, maybe, but 8:30. i was going to say -- the early bird gets the worm. men do weird things in public places. this is happening in main central library, downtown los angeles where the bathrooms are being used for more than reading. >> 14 sting operations all arrests all for lewd conduct. all male to male activity. the majority of it in the basement bathrooms. >> i had to tell the lady at the first desk. >> in the bathroom. [ indiscernible ] >> reporter: is that what off the hook means? i been using it
wrong. maybe he has a different point of view. >> jimmy: we all know a big part of thanksgiving is sitting down for a meal with people you might not necessary like. for obvious reasons you can't say anything about it. so today, to have catharsis, i sent cousin sal on hollywood boulevard to let people vent by telling us who the worst person at their thanksgiving table is going to be this year and why. to protect anonymity, we let them do it behind the safety of a mask. here you go. happy thanksgiving, everybody. >> you are wearing a mask. nobody will tell who you are. all right. answer honestly, who is the worst person at thanksgiving dinner tomorrow? >> probably my cousin nonie. my gosh, she talks too much. her breath stinks. like, oh. >> who is the worst person at your thanksgiving table tomorrow? >> my father's new wife sarah. >> what's wring with sarah? >> what isn't wrong with sarah. >> tell us something?
>> she has a lot of money. really nice house in florida. she can't stop talking about. knob h nobody has ever been to it. >> she won't invite you. >> no. >> who is the worst person at your thanksgiving dinner tomorrow? >> my grandma. makes cranberry sauce and slaps me if i won't eat it. >> slaps you? >> yeah. >> how? >> takes her hand like that. >> more like this. or in the back of the head like that? >> that's pretty accurate. >> come across here. >> i think you are my grandma right now. >> who is the worst person at your thanksgiving table? >> my mother in law. >> what is wrong with her? >> she -- too much. come mrinzplains about everythi. >> my brother. he is lazy and wants money. >> my daughteren law. >> what's wrong with her? >> she is a [ bleep ]. >> i love you to death. but this thanksgiving. enough out of you, jessica. in case if you are wondering
which uncle and jessica we are talking about, this one right here. >> thank you. thanks. >> what do we need this for? who is the worst person at your thanksgiving table? >> my uncle. >> oh, my god. oh, my god. >> we'ren trouble now. >> sorry, about that, uncle. he didn't mean it. >> jimmy: all right. we need to take a break. when we come back, more family trouble. we are going to pit the chrisman family against the majorly family in new jersey in a holidaythemed scavenger hunt. plus -- >> jimmy: we've also got patton oswalt, elizabeth olsen, and music from the 1975. so come on back.
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>> jimmy: tonight on the show, elizabeth olsen is here, we have music from the 1975, and we'll have storms and freezing weather ruining thanksgiving plans this year. there are ways to get families together without any traveling. and there is skype. we thought it would be fun to play a game with two families on the east coast. time for the skype scavenger hunt. thanksgiving edition. from washington crossing in pennsylvania outside philadelphia, please welcome the kressmans. how are you doing? happy thanksgiving. >> happy thanksgiving to you. >> jimmy: you sell toilet for a living, is that true? >> absolutely, yes. >> jimmy: well i guess everybody need a toilet.
your children are gymnasts, athletes as well. will this give you advantage during this competition? >> i think so. >> a little bit. >> little bit. >> yeah. >> jimmy: will you do back flips and handstand to get what you want throughout the house. >> just don't want to break anything. >> no back flips. >> jimmy: i am not demanding back flips. just suggesting black flips okay. kressmans you will play against the family in new jersey. and the majorle family. hi, guys. happy thanksgiving to you. >> jimmy: you own a pet store, correct? >> yep. >> we do. >> jimmy: what is the most popular pet this holiday season? >> believe it or not, we don't sell the pets, we sell the stuff for pets. since everybody has pets as
children now, we sell collars, the thing you spend more money on them than you would yourself. >> jimmy: very good. i understand you opened your house to people who don't have any place to go on thanksgiving? >> you are welcome to come over whenever you want. >> jimmy: can we get your address in case people want to stop by in the area? >> absolutely. i think you have it. >> jimmy: all right. bring both families up on screen. kressmans say hello to the majorles, you have pets and toilets, and people, sometimes terrible things happen. you need to -- do you have -- you know what i am saying? right? well, god forbid. it is the holidays. the rules of the game are simple. scavenger hunt, find something or do something. you will find it or do it. all right. ready to play? >> yes! >> jimmy: the first round. come back with something that might have been used at the first thanksgiving back in 1621.
a tough one. none of us were there. tu tu turnips. i'm pretty sure that wasn't around in 1621. i don't know what that is for. to punish the kids in case they don't bring back the right item. oh, all right. let's start with the kressmans, what do you have there? >> beaow and arrow. >> and a pot. >> the bow and arrow, the thing we'll stick with. what dut you hao you have? >> i have wine. fermented grapes. >> a turkey. >> jimmy: they say there was no turkey. i don't know if there was wine. i will give this round to the kressmans.
all right. round two. go to your room. come back wearing your fat pants. thanksgiving fat pants. all right, wearing your fat pants. lot of cher size f lot -- lot of exercise for thanksgiving tonight. kind of a tropical theme for the chairs, right. >> jimmy: nice, nice, nice. one more, kressman family. one more. all right. and that's enough. i don't know what happened with the majorles, they're gone. they left. i don't know. there they go. those are pretty fat pants too, all right.
you are wearing your husband's pants. and there they come. you know what the kressmans beat you there. doesn't matter. no one is going home empty-handed. you are all winners. tell them what they won? >> for their superior efforts, both will get a 47 inch tv. >> congratulations. happy thanksgiving, everybody. thank you for playing. tonight on the show, elizabeth olsen, and music from 1975, and we'll be right back with patton oswalt!
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>> jimmy: tonight on the program. you can see her now alongside josh brolin in a new psychological thriller from spike lee. it is called "oldboy" elizabeth olsen is here. and then, with music from their self-titled album, all the way from manchester, england, the 1975 from the sony stage. >> jimmy: i got a belated card from aunt chippy. it has balloons.
and it's lovely. the inside reads. see if you can read along with it, dearest jimmy, i pray every day that i die before your mother does. because if she dies before me, i wind up with you. much love, your godmother. i want to say thank you, on the beautiful sentiments. and does she think i will live with her if something -- our first guest tonight is a very funny comedian and actor and writer, and spatula-wielding cartoon rat. his next role is alongside ben stiller and kristen wiig in "the secret life of walter mitty", which opens in theaters christmas day, please say hello to patton oswalt.
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> yeah, a little -- talking about you today. used to be here a lot. you haven't been here since 2009. >> four years i have not been here. a weird. >> jimmy: very strange to me. i see you from team to so in my head you have been here. >> it's weird. very last time i was here. last thing i did. i don't know if you remember, i was potentially up for jury duty. you remember that? >> jimmy: yes. you have to call in look you are winning a radio show. if you have jury duty. so you had me check on the air -- if i had jury duty. remember i called in. >> jimmy: we have a clip from -- >> from my last appearance lest anyone think we are making the
story up. >> i am going to dial the number i have here. >> we apologize for any inconvenience. >> come on. here we go. >> please report for service. >> yeah! >> jimmy: you got it. and how did it go! >> we finished yesterday. it was crazy. >> jimmy: you did. >> it was a traffic violation. the guy was doing 85 in a 35. and -- they had, the cop had the radar gun evidence. i just was not convinced, you know? i wanted to argue it out. i just felt -- it swayed me. there was just something. no, i really, it was worth it. don't tell me how breaking bad
end, please. and also, tell me what breaking bad is. because that is how long -- >> jimmy: oh, my god. don't look miley cyrus up on the internet. you know what the internet is? >> plug it into the wall and upload a pixel. has it gotten faster? not like it is on our phones now. that would be crazy. >> jimmy: unbelievable. you are going to love it. >> i will never forget her first words to me. when you see season three of game of thrones you are going to [ bleep ]. >> she knows you. she knows you.
>> she is excited, her friend are going to come over. they have two girls friend with her. i don't know if you went through this with your kids. all she eats. all she eats is macaroni and cheese. that is it. lunch and dinner. she wants mac and cheese. she won't try new foods. i went buy organic. in my mind, when you break it down, you are feeding her flour, water and cheese. i am basically, feeding my daughter like a british convict who has been sent to australia. that's just, here's some flour and cheese for you. >> jimmy: cheese is debatable. >> cheese, a piece of cheese was their thanksgiving. a piece of cheese. so i don't know if i am, like, i have her on this -- on a diet.
she seems healthy. i am waiting to take her to the doctor. the doctor says she has no bones. no bones in her body. does she have any vegetables anything at all. prescription >> jimmy: are you going to cook thanksgiving turkey and everything? >> i am going to have. i am getting a turkey. i cooked one last year. but i basically had, there is friend, friend comes over, she and her husband. used to work at charlie trotters. she walked me through it. i also get it from the butcher near me. i have been on the phone with him all week. he has been rehearsing me over the phone, the way you talk to a guy, diffusing a bomb. that's how he talked me through it. not kidding is, i made him stay the phone. hear you say it again. put the butter under the skin. say it a second time. so it is look i am almost putting on him. if thanksgiving gets ruined. >> jimmy: not almost. >> i am putting it all on him.
>> jimmy: his fault. >> go in friday, go, great job, it yol idiot. why didn't you say it a third time. i have the turkey. got to know if you do this. i realized i bought 30 bottles of wine. what i think it is, subconscious. what i am doing is going to cook the turkey, try very hard. but if it goes horribly wrong, i am going to get everybody wasted. open up as much wine as i can. >> jimmy: the holidays. >> exactly. >> jimmy: patton oswalt! "the secret life of walter mitty" opens in theaters christmas day. honestly, i wanted a phone with a better camera. my boyfriend has a lot of can't-miss moments. i checked out the windows phones and saw the lumia 1020 has 41 megapixels. so i can zoom way in even after i take the picture. and i can adjust the shot before i take it so i get it exactly how i want. so, i went with a windows phone.
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♪ it's black friday ♪ we're shopping deals ♪ in little black dresses ♪ cute hair and heels. ♪ let's go! ♪ that's my kind of holiday. >> jimmy: we're back. you were the co-host. when we had co-hosts. >> almost every guest, shannon elizabeth, so, it was like that weak i was sitting next to the hottest human beings. i could not have looked more like a weird forest troll that you had captured and put next to -- i felt like, people were like can we have patton oswalt co-host, we're pitching a series, he hasn't been working
out. have patton sit next to him. one day i got to sit next to yoko ono. remember she was on? >> jimmy: yeah. >> it was great. i don't mean to bring this up, guys. i know a lot of bad blood. you sort of, kind of, started peeling away from them a little bit. you were doing a lot of really. it was brilliant. remember the episode that you did. you shot it all through a piece of blue cellophane. you, how did you do that? >> yoaw >> jimmy: you are thinking of john lennon. >> blocked this out. you interviewed a blond in a teacup. >> she just got hurt. >> jimmy: she is still living with me.
>> there you go? >> jimmy: still going strong. this is a big movie that you are in. ben stiller directed. co-starring with ben stiller. kristin wiggins. >> ben has made. i don't know how to describe this. he has literally made an epic comedy. it is a -- genuinely hilarious movie. but it takes place on this massive epic scale. i have never seen -- a come dedone dcomedy down on that level. >> i am not going to get too specific. i'ven i end up getting flown all over the world. i was in iceland. he was such a perfectionist. when you see the movie. me going to iceland is like what? he was such a perfectionist about it. it really shows -- we flew into
reykjav reykjavik, went to a town, my hand to god. doesn't have vowels in the name. the town is named -- we were out on this -- and we are in a hunting lodge, and so i got, i got there, i'm thinking, i could not be further away. so i went on this walk, out on this glacier, and i didn't bring my ipod. so i just thought -- i will blank out for a little bit. not worry about hollywood and show business. and at the end all of this ice, isolation. really beautiful, and meditative, and walking along. and then i see out on the -- a little dot, walking toward me. offen t ein the glacier. getting closer, closer. and it is a guy who walks up to me. it is sean penn. he and i are the only, he is sean penn. he goes, hey, patton. i go, hey, sean. i met him before.
and then we talked about -- new york for like half an hour. and, yeah, then heap go goes, su back at the lodge. he went walking off. >> jimmy: must have been a hallucination. >> it is that thing, i realize he also had flown him out there. and, it's like -- and he is amazing in the movie. what i learned was if you fly, if you fly your actors out to iceland. they will do a really good job. if you go to iceland, now i get why bourjor kchbjork is that wa. iceland is the most haunted country. you think there are elves and sprites. >> jimmy: spicolis. >> wait, what if sean penn, what if it was 11 elves.
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>> jimmy: is that a cape you are wearing? >> feels like a vest. fits like a cape. >> jimmy: are you easing into, you are going to play the scarlet witch. part of that. easing into super hero garb. >> yeah, sure. i was look, i had no idea what i was supposed to wear today. >> jimmy: freezing colden here. a good idea. for those who don't know -- your older sisters are mary kate and ashley olsen. probably famous before you were born, right? >> yes. >> they were on tv before you were born? >> yes. >> jimmy: as a little girl is it confusing when your sisters have a television family outside of your own regular family? >> no. and there are four kids and two parents. and that's where we were all in one place, and everyone could be watched. >> jimmy: you were raised on the set of full house.
>> kind of. >> jimmy: the house was full tha than we realized. did you believe uncle jesse was your actual uncle? >> no. but he was my first crush. [ indiscernible ] >> the whole reporter thing. i don't think people get a chance to read what i am talking to them about, because i don't think anyone cares. and i was talking about how john stamos was my first crush, how he would tickle me when i was a little girl, you know, thinking there are no repercussions whatsoever with this whole statement. and i'm at a restaurant. i guess it was a year ago, and he came up to me. i haven't seen him since i was probably single digits. and he was like, i read that you had a crush on me.
i read that you used to wait for me to tickle you. and i was your first crush. i was so embarrassed. because some one that i don't really know. >> jimmy: i am sure you had only the most wholesome intentions. i know john he is not look that. not really even interested in women. >> right. okay. >> jimmy: that is weird. are you spending thanksgiving with your family? >> i am. >> jimmy: altogether? >> yeah, all here. do it at my moms. help her cook. i was supposed to be helping her. never brined a turkey. i was supposed to help her tonight. i am here. >> jimmy: put it in the water. and leave. not anything to it. >> she had never done it. she was anxious. she wanted somebody to sit by her, and do the packet and do it for her. i am sorry, so sorry, mom. >> jimmy: maybe patton will have raw left over turkey for you to eat. >> raw, dry, are terrible. >> jimmy: everyone's is usually
raw, dry or terrible. except mine which is perfect. >> mine was good friday. >> jimmy: you had a pre. >> friend' thanksgiving. >> jimmy: test things out beforehand. >> my mom won't let me make the stuffing. martha stewart's res kcipe. told her how amazing. >> jimmy: always a passive aggressive thing about your kids telling you what you should do. you can't do it under any circumstances. >> jimmy: i saw the movie. you are very good in it. very good performance in it. never, ever, ever, would i take my family to see this movie on thanksgiving. >> or ever. it is not for the kids. >> jimmy: no not for the kids. >> it is very dark. very twisted. and takes you on a fun ride. if you don't know the story because it is a remake. >> jimmy: belttter if you don't
find out. >> is that or frozen. you have your option. >> jimmy: be a fun thing, tell the family you are taking them. and then say, i am going to run out and grab popcorn and let them, let the high jinks begin. >> no. i have actually. there are certain times when you have to tell your parents. just so you know, maybe you don't want to see this one. >> jimmy: yeah. >> this will be one of them. >> this would be one of them. crazy. fun. and spike lee. spike lee joint. and, amazing to work with. and, it is a great group of people. >> jimmy: and came out really good. great to see you also. and give my best to your family. >> i will. >> jimmy: hope the turkey comes out all right. the brine. and elizabeth olsen. "oldboy" is in theaters now. when we come back, music from the 1975.
we'll go where nobody knows ♪ ♪ with guns hidden under our petticoats ♪ ♪ we're never gonna quit it ♪ no we're never gonna quit it no ♪ ♪ now run run away from the boys in the blue ♪ ♪ and my car smells like chocolate ♪ ♪ hey now i think about what to do ♪ ♪ i think about what they say ♪ ♪ i think about how to think ♪ ♪ pause it play it
♪ pause it play it pause it ♪ ♪ oh we go where nobody knows ♪ ♪ with guns hidden under our petticoats ♪ ♪ we're never gonna quit it ♪ ♪ no we're never gonna quit it no ♪ ♪ yeah we're dressed in black from head to toe ♪ ♪ we've got guns hidden under our petticoats ♪ m no we're never gonna quit it ♪ ♪ no we're never gonna quit it no ♪ ♪ now you're never gonna quit it ♪ ♪ now you're never gonna quit it ♪ ♪ now you're never gonna quit it ♪ ♪ if you don't start smoking it