tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC May 25, 2015 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. i followed the sound of clapping and here you are. so earlier tonight here on abc we had the season finale of "scandal." i know you in our studio audience haven't seen it so i won't give anything away. suffice to it say, olivia and associates have some serious hr issues to deal with and father's day this year will be no fun for the folks at all. that's all i'll say. i know you haven't seen it. a crazy episode. much of the plot revolve around the white house and the president of the united states. not only is he a character on the show, his job title gets mentioned a lot. with that we give you every mention of the president of the united states, the most powerful man and the leader of the free world from "scandal" season four. >> 30 hours from now the
president of the united states of america is going to stand up and give the state of the union address. >> does olivia know the president of the united states does not beg? >> the president of the united states. >> the president of the united states. >> president of the united states. >> the president of the united states. >> the president of the united states. >> president of the united states? >> the president of the united states. >> president of the united states. >> president of the united states. >> president of the united states. >> president of the united states. >> president of the united states. >> the most powerful man in the world. >> the most powerful person in the world? >> i'm very powerful, you know? >> the leader of the free world. >> the leader of the free world. >> the leader of the free world. >> i'm going to be the next president of the united states. >> i want to be the president of the united states. >> i am the president. >> you'll be the president of the united states of america? >> the president of the united states. >> that's a new record, i think. [ applause ] congratulations! the president of the united states of america of "scandal"
is amazing to "the bachelor" in "the bachelorette." i've been having some strange dreams lately about "scandal." i had another one last night. this one was especially strange. >> i was in my dinosaur pajamas flying. my favorite song was playing. ♪ on the wings of love >> and there were all kinds of strange things in the sky. suddenly i saw kerry washington flying in the clouds. she looked great but she was headed right toward me. we bumped heads and started falling. we fell and fell and fell. we kept falling into these different worlds. [ screaming ] >> after what seemed like a long time, we landed in a kiddie pool in the forest. all i could think about was kerry and how crazy it was that she could fly. kerry washington, i didn't know you could fly. >> that's not all i can do, lover baby. watch this.
>> jimmy: then she started flexing and saying a weird thing. >> cupcake activate. cupcake activate. cupcake activate. >> jimmy: and then poof! she turned into a cupcake and then three ladybug guillermos appeared. they were eating their own cupcakes. and that made me hungry and since there was a kerry washington cupcake in front of me, then the most horrifying five words. >> i have gluten in me. >> gluten in me. gluten in me. >> i was really upset because i am gluten free. so i threw the kerry cupcake and then i woke up and now here i am. [ cheers and applause ] and it's strange, right? you know, i'll tell you something. the thing you forget about cupcakes is they're cakes in a cup. right? >> right. >> jimmy: this is interesting. according to a new study,
goldfish have a longer attention span than humans. the average attention span for a goldfish is 9 seconds and they discovered that the average human attention span is only 8 seconds. i would go into more detail but i can see you've already stopped listening. what were you talking about again? right. goldfish. any way they say that since the year 2000 which is when mobile devices really started to dominate our lives, the average attention span has dropped from 12 seconds to 8 which is a lot. 77% of people age 18 to 24 said when nothing is occupying their attention, the first thing they do is reach for their phones. the other 23% are already holding their phones. i'm embarrassed to say identify with that. for the first 30 years of my life, i could go to the bathroom without any entertainment at all. no problem.
now if i get there, and my phone is in the other room, i feel like i'm lost at sea. i feel like i left my counter at chipotle. i still find it harder to believe that we have a shorter attention fan than goldfish so i decided to do a little experiment. to make it fair to the fish, i invited one of the most distractible people i know to go head to head with a goldfish. who do you think will win it? >> i think yehya. >> jimmy: well, cousin sal was moderating. this is yehya versus goldfish. ♪ >> okay. this is a staring contest between you and the fish. make eye contact and don't break it. ready? >> ready. >> go. >> you blinked. you lost. >> i don't blink. >> you blinked your eyes. >> one, two, three, go. you blinked again. >> no. i have something in my eyes. it is very good. >> what does that mean? you were blinking. >> no.
not blinking. very good. 6% open. >> go. >> there it is again. you did. >> i tell you i don't blink. no! you don't believe me. you don't see nothing. i'm look the fish. i'm look the fish. >> ready? >> ready. >> go. >> blink. >> no! no! >> i tell you no man! >> this is crazy. you want to make me crazy. you want to make me crazy. >> no, please! you want to make me crazy. >> no, please! >> i want you -- >> i don't blink. believe me. >> go. 1, 2, 3, go! what was that? >> no blink. >> one of your nostrils went up. it made your eyes close. >> like this? >> i don't know. try anything. ready, go.
>> even you -- >> no! >> even you saw that, right? >> no. i held it with my finger. >> but your right eye came up and then it went down. >> no! >> and -- don't blink. you blinked! >> i'm done. i'm done. >> do one more. >> i'm done, man. i'm done. i'm done. >> all right. the fish is the winner. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, yehya, come on! you failed the human race. you were supposed to beat the fish and now we lost to them. >> i focus a lot. my eye open, open, jimmy, he don't like my face. what do i? >> jimmy: maybe if you were underwater it would help. >> after watching that i kind of see his point.
>> jimmy: we'll have a rematch tomorrow night. okay? >> yes. thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: thank you. >> thank you, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's one of the dumber things we've ever done. meanwhile some tragic news out of las vegas where duck commander musical, the musical that is based on the popular reality show "duck dynasty" is shutting down -- i know. now where am i supposed to take my wife for our anniversary? the show is supposed to run through june 30th. but it is going to close on sun because of poor ticket sales. you would think of the size of duck hunting community, this would be a slam-dunk. how could this show have possibly failed? come see "duck commander musical" and watch our family story come to life.
♪ in your camouflage ♪ >> jimmy: right? i guess the audiences weren't comfortable with the actors shooting over their heads. the producers say there might be future productions, in other cities, maybe even your city. i think they need to change the name. "duck commander musical" is not a good name. they want to attract fans of musical theater? i would call it les miserobertson. starbucks has a new menu item. they are offering a mini frappuccino now. just when you thought it couldn't get more embarrassing, than ordering a frappichino, we have the mini frappichino. it has about 20% less frap and they leave the last two letters off your cup. it will be like mini frappichino for jan -- it will cost around $3, or for $2.75, you can have no frappuccino at all. starbucks more than anyone made
it normal to spend as much money for a cup of coffee as you would for a sandwich. this used to be a strange concept. we decided to look in to this. we went out in front of starbucks with mini samples of the new mini frappichino. once people tried them we asked what they thought and then we told them they owe us 3 bucks. >> this is the lower priced, lower caloric to our regular drink. give that a try and let us know what you think. >> really good. >> how does it stack up against our regular frappichinos, taste wise? >> retastes pretty similar. >> the $3 price point. where do you stand on that? what's your opinion? >> spend $3 on starbucks on coffee every day. so that's okay. >> that's $3. >> $3? for this? >> all right. thank you very much. don't forget your mini frapaccino. give that a try. how does it taste compared to a regular frappichino? >> good.
i like it. >> and the $3 price. what is your opinion on that? >> can't beat it. yeah. >> that's $3. >> i have to pay you $3 now? >> yes, ma'am. >> two, three. >> i think that was wrong. you asked me to taste it. but you didn't tell me it was $3. >> oh, okay. >> i think i was bit. >> that's $3 each. >> really? >> yes. these are $3. >> you didn't say that. >> we're from germany so we don't really understand english. [ speaking german ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we keep a german camera man on retainer for exactly that kind of thing. when we take a break, it is mark zuckerberg's birthday today and the beautiful david beckham answers three ridiculous questions. so stick with us.
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♪ >> amy schumer is here. i want to wish a happy birthday to mark zuckerberg who turned 31 years old today. he celebrated like the rest of us do, he spent the day looking at facebook posts from people he barely knew in high school saying happy bd, man. keep crushin' it. i got mark zuckerberg something i know he wants, my social security number.
facebook has ruined birthdays for me. i'm one of the people that remember birthdays for me. now because of facebook, the gift that distinguishes me from the careless people that don't wiped me out. mark zuckerberg plays an intern $75,000 a year to blow his candles out on his birthday? that's not true. this is true. mark zuckerberg claims he hunts for the meat he eats. if he doesn't shoot it, he doesn't eat it. he keeps bunny rabbits in his office if he is working late and needs a snack. i like that philosophy. not too many people know this but i also hunt for all the meat i eat. here's a photo of me on one of my meat hunts just this week. so happy birthday, mark. i hope nobody posted anything on his wall today. there are so many social media trends to keep up with now.
do you know what fomo means? i had no idea. fortunately, they filled us in on this important news item last night on cbs new york. >> fomo means fear of missing out. >> facebook, instagram, twitter. >> when you go on to instagram and you see all your friends hanging out and there are a bunch of pictures, you assume you are missing out on something great. >> danielle and alessi are college students and they say the fear of what they are missing out on often dominates their conversation. >> i get anxious. what am i missing? what if something happens and i'm not there for it. >> social media expert. mark elwood. >> the biggest source of anxiety is fomo. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. thank you, social media expert. you know how you become a social media expert, you sign up for an instagram account. there are so many stupid fake words now. are you familiar with the term usie? i learned this yesterday. it is a selfie that other people are in with you. a picture of us. a group photo is what it is.
so professor of marketing at golden gate university. they asked for a comment. he said the usies are a growing trend and she believes they have more social value than selfies. which means they more value than no social value at all. people taking a picture together is not a growing trend. this photograph was taken in 1857. one of the first photographs ever taken. not an usie. do you know what they called it? they called it a picture. an usie. it's terrible? it makes me want to vom. it really does. we have music from a great artist, jose gonzalez, chris "ludacris" bridges is here and a very funny and delightful amy schumer will be with us in just a moment. but before all that, we have something for the ladies. time after time, david beckham the greatest soccer player the world of underwear modeling has ever seen has answered his
critics but tonight he is answering me. here are three ridiculous questions for david beckham. ♪ what fruit do you think you could kick the farthest? >> the furthest. possibly a grapefruit. i mean, i'm thinking in my head. i thought coconut, a bit hard. grape, too small. >> jimmy: watermelon too big. >> watermelon too big. as long as it doesn't explode, grapefruit. >> jimmy: what is your favorite spice? >> posh. >> jimmy: yeah. you made the right choice. cinnamon won't hit you over the head with a frying pan. >> definitely not. definitely not.
>> jimmy: do you think you're capable of taking an ugly selfie? >> no. >> jimmy: you don't? >> of course i do. >> jimmy: you do. >> yes. >> jimmy: let's give it a try. here's my phone. go crazy. >> okay. i thought we were both getting in this. >> jimmy: no, i just want to see if you can do it. let me see. >> it's pretty ugly. >> jimmy: turns out it is possible. to ugly selfies. >> to ugly selfies. >> hey, club, scotch whiskey. the answer to all of life's ridiculous questions. never settle for verizon's overpriced gimmicks. try the un-carrier risk-free for 14 days you'll love it, or we'll pay for you to go back.
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called "vestiges and claws." jose gonzalez from the at&t stage will be here. how about that, guillermo? tomorrow night on the show, paul will be here and science bob will be here to do scientific experiments on me and on you too. last month "time" magazine named our first guest one of the 100 most influential people of the year. you can see her wielding that influence on the may 25th episode of "the bachelorette" and tuesday nights on her own show, "inside amy schumer." please say hello to amy schumer. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: welcome, welcome. are you okay? is everything all right? >> yeah. these heels were a little too much for me. so i said i'll wear them but i need a walker to get out there. >> jimmy: very bright, very brave. they're too adult for me. this is a really easy fix. >> jimmy: that's not a bad idea and it could become a fashion accessory. maybe gucci could be walkers. >> they'll be knocking down my door. >> jimmy: congratulations. has this been the best year of your life? am i oversimplifying your life by saying that? >> well, it wasn't when i was 12 wearing a "cats" the musical sweatshirt and had curly bangs. yeah. this is by far been the best year of my life. we just got nominated --, no we won a peabody on our show. >> jimmy: that's crazy. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] do you guys know what that is? no, me neither. but we won it. >> jimmy: it's a good one. >> people's choice nomination. that's it.
>> jimmy: you were in a "time" magazine thing. that's a big deal. >> yes. >> jimmy: and the party is a crazy party. >> crazy party. >> jimmy: all those people from -- leaders of other countries are there. >> yeah. i was one of "time" magazine's most influential people in the world. >> jimmy: in the whole world! now, this is from the -- >> before we get to that i want to say, that i was the least important person there by a million. like the ebola fighters were there, hillary clinton, it was all world leaders and then i'm there. oh, i have a new joke about my vagina, you know? i'm on the carpet. >> jimmy: let's let the audience decide if you were the least important person there. there's kim and kanye west. and there's you. on the floor. [ applause ] what happened here? >> that's so embarrassing!
>> jimmy: yeah. you did that on purpose, did not you? >> yes, i did. yes, i did. i've always, i think falling is the funniest thing in the world. >> jimmy: you're right. it is, it is. >> in a fancy restaurant, an airport shuttle. that's my favorite. it's carpeted so you don't hurt yourself so bad. when my friends saw that, they said oh, she's doing her fall. and you have to let out a really loud grunt. no one helps you and they're grossed out. >> jimmy: no one ever helps you. >> no. >> jimmy: this is -- you can see what happened, kim and kanye, they seem to be leaving. >> look at how much he cares. he's so worried about me. that's my publicist. kerry and laverne cox laughing. >> jimmy: did you run this by your publicist before you decided to do this? >> yeah. i'm on the carpet, i mean, red
carpets are so humiliating any way. >> jimmy: they're stupid and weird and they cause epilepsy. >> yes. they're like stand here and look like a [ bleep ]. and now here. and i'm doing an interview with someone and they don't want to talk to me. they're all sweating and shaking because they don't know who i am. they thought i was adele. are you making a -- [ applause ] thank you! thank you! and you know when you're on the carpet and then somebody like more important gets there. and you feel like if a slightly hotter girl shows up behind you. like a guy who just wants you to die. die right now so i can talk to this hot girl. that's how it felt. the energy changed and it felt like there was an earthquake. they were on the carpet. and i see them and they're standing there. kim and -- they were, they just stood there like, you're welcome. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> right? they own it.
>> jimmy: it's where they really shine. >> that's their moment. and they're very short and important. they're just -- famous people are all very short. the camera adds like three feet or something. i thought they were pretty tall. and i asked my publicist, can i like, can i fall? and she's like you're already going to do it. i was like you're right. and then i just dove in front of them and i went -- and kim kind of looked at me like, oh, and then she looked at kanye to see like what's our vibe? and you can see his vibe was like -- like i hope you die. >> jimmy: let's get one more look at his vibe. i don't know if you can see vibe. no, you can. >> his hand is getting ready. and so they left. and then i saw -- i saw them later. >> jimmy: you did. >> yeah. i saw them later.
i was like, hey. i am such a flake around a famous person. i totally change my tune. kim, um, i love you and your sisters have inspired so many people -- can i -- are you hiring at dash? i don't even know. dumb words coming out of my mouth. she was nice. and then kanye, he was smiling. but he smiles like if you programmed a robot to smile. so he is like -- uh! and i was like this is what it's like to be interrupted by a white blond woman. now he knows. now he gets it. >> jimmy: amy schumer, everybody. we'll be right back! ♪ >> the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by at&t. mobilizing your world.
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i am like such a tom boy. i usually wear sweatpants if i'm home or my favorite team's jersey. or i'm naked. >> oh-oh, liftoff! am i right? >> jimmy: that's amy schumer from "inside amy schumer." tuesday nights on comedy central. i have to say as the host of a talk show, i got a kick out of that vicious parody of what we do every night.
>> it's so weird. the show has been on three years and no one has ever cared and now things are going viral. it was not about anyone specifically. people were like, this is about letterman or conan. no one said you. >> jimmy: huh! >> you're not flirty. no girl is going to -- i don't know why. >> jimmy: let's go through names. >> but i regret doing that like so many times. you know, and it's always just like -- i don't know! i was on vacation. how do i sit! >> jimmy: don't you think america loves hearing about rich people's vacations and how very attractive women were tom boys. >> if you get a private helicopter, hear me out. a helicopter made of diamonds. everyone do it.
it's just insane. >> jimmy: i am very excited. in two weeks, you are going to be part of "the bachelorette." the fresh new season. that means you know who they picked. who the bachelorette is. >> it's juan pablo. yes, i know. i have coveted information. >> jimmy: have you told anybody? >> yeah. oh, yeah. i think i signed something that said you'll have to pay $80 million if you tell anybody. that's like information, nobody cares in my life. no one is like that's so cool. you're famous. when they knew i knew who the "bachelorette" was, hey, amy, we should hang out. so i told most of the people i know. >> jimmy: you get involved with all the guys? is that what we're going to see? >> not as involved as i tried to be but yeah. i got to go on a date. you know, with them. >> jimmy: and did you find that -- >> i loved when you were on there.
that's what i was like -- >> jimmy: very odd at the beginning. then about six minutes in, i forgot the cameras were there and i realized how it works. like they're almost invisible. >> it's really weird. you're talking to someone and you forget. you notice that a camera, there's charlie all over the place. >> jimmy: yeah. >> they just pop up. i was like drinking. i don't know what i said. >> jimmy: that's me too. i realized i was getting drunk. oh, wait. we're on tv. i should not do this. >> i like watching the show. you're like maybe they'll fall in love. usually they are really stressed and humiliate themselves. you know? make you feel better about yourself. that's why i watch housewives. i could never hack it on one of those shows. >> jimmy: no? >> i would cry on the limo ride there. like i wouldn't wait until i got eliminated. i would get too drunk, oh, he didn't look at me at lunch. >> jimmy: i think it would be great if you were the bachelorette. it would really be a great thing. >> really?
i need more diseases. but i like -- >> jimmy: it makes you stronger. >> last season, it is so funny that the winner was like, you get to live on a farm. like that's crazy. like that's what the winner gets? you get to live on a desolate farm. >> jimmy: well, who knows how long that will go on. i mean, you never know. it is very good to see you. i look forward to "the bachelorette." your show is hilarious. it is called inside amy schumer after comedy central. and "the bachelorette" starts next week. we'll be right back with ludacris. >> portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by sanuk footwear. get your pair at sanuk.com. sanuk, never uncomfortable.
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>> i want to ask you, i wonder about this. do people now think of you as an actor before they think of you as a rapper? has one superseded the other? >> it's crazy. i travel a lot and sometimes i go out of the country and land. and i hear, fast and furious! and i don't know whether to thank them or show them my last eight cds and 20 million records. no, i do music also. it's a beautiful thing, man. i'm very, very blessed and happy. >> jimmy: the last furious seven was the biggest hit ever. >> the biggest. over a billion dollars. [ cheers and applause ] 1.5 as a matter of fact. >> jimmy: the 45 shouldn't be ignored. i think you told me one of the last times you were here, you get a car from the movie after each movie. >> i do.
except for fast six. because we shot it in london and all of the steering wheels were on the other side. sorry about that. >> jimmy: which one did you get this time? >> i got a caprice chevy. old school. of course i'm going to fix it up, put a bunch of a new paint job on it. >> jimmy: you're going to do things to it. >> this is what we do in the south. >> jimmy: is that the one? >> this is the before. >> jimmy: you don't need to do anything to that. it looks perfect. >> no, you have to do a lot of thing to that. >> jimmy: it doesn't even have a door handle on it. >> you have to put like 30 inch rims where you have to sky dive out of it. >> jimmy: i see. like a fish tank in the back. >> all of that, man. >> jimmy: do you put all the crazy things? >> crazy stuff. you have to have a tv. i had a car with a tv near the gas tank. think about this. you are pumping gas, the most boring time, the most boring
three minutes of your life. what better than to watch television while you're pumping gas? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: have tvs on the gas pump so you can watch two things at once. >> that's not up to me. i can only control what goes on the car. >> jimmy: you got married in december, right? >> yes. >> jimmy: congratulations. you're enjoying married life? >> so far so good. you're pretty new too. >> jimmy: relatively, a year and a half for me. >> how is it going? >> jimmy: it's going well. we have a baby and everything. >> we have to hang out together. this is what married people. do you have to invite me over. >> jimmy: but just us alone. that would be the weird thing. >> i mean with us the wives. >> jimmy: i would love to hang out with you. what would we do? do you still go to strip clubs? is that a thing? you used to love going to strip clubs. nobody loves strip clubs more than you. >> it's funny you said that. literally three days ago there were some people potentially shooting a movie but they had to scout out atlanta, georgia.
i told my wife that i had to go to the strip club. she was like, why do you have to go to the strip club? what is scouting? and of course for those that don't know, when you scout out a movie, this is months before you shoot it. the writer, the producers, they want to go to the different places of where they could potentially shoot the movie. in atlanta, georgia, strip clubs are very popular so i have to go to the strip club. i don't understand why you have to go. why can't they go by themselves? this is a potential movie that i could be shooting and it will benefit the family. this is for us. this is not just for me. you think this is for me? this is for the family. so once you put it out there like this is for us -- >> jimmy: that worked? >> it didn't work but she couldn't say anything else. she didn't have any more questions. she was like -- >> jimmy: tell us one good story from a strip club. something that -- >> oh, man. something that we can tell on this show? >> jimmy: yeah. >> this is live television and we can't -- >> jimmy: it's okay. between us only. >> i think i got one for you.
i'll try to smooth it over a little. i think this is like over ten years ago, man. i was on tour. i had the tour bus. and we were in the carolinas somewhere. and we went to a strip club. it was summertime. great weather. all that stuff. we get into the strip club and of course when you go in there, you pick which ones that you like. what are the most beautiful girls in there. and there was one that we all loved. we had a good time. we're walking out of the strip club and this woman fully dressed comes to us and says hey, hey, i saw the girl that you guys liked. this is the girl right here. she brings her out with her. a do you want to continue on your tour bus? do you want to keep the dances going? what is going on right now? so the girls, we say yeah, we'll keep you going. [ laughter ] >> really quick. so we get on the tour bus and the fully clothed woman comes on the tour bus and is watching. we're all watching this woman dance. next thing you know, the woman that is fully clothed also takes her clothes off. and starts dancing.
it turns out it was the girl's mother. so you had mother and daughter. this is a family business. >> jimmy: wow! happy mother's day to them! >> happy mother's day to the both of them. >> jimmy: holy moly. you are hosting the -- co-hosting the billboard music awards with christy teigen coming up live on sunday night. is that fun for you? >> it is. we had so much fun last year that we're going to do it again. >> jimmy: yeah. we'll get together. we'll hang out. on the bus. >> absolutely. chris "ludacris" bridges! billboard music awards sunday night here on abc. we'll be right back with jose gonzalez. ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t -- mobilizing your world.
here with the song, leaf off/the cave, jose gonzalez. ♪ ♪ ♪ make the light lead you out make the light lead you out make the light lead you out make the light lead you out ♪ make the light lead you out ♪ ♪ why can't you take the leaf off your mouth now that you have facts on your side ♪ ♪ take a moment to reflect where
you're from let reason guide you ♪ ♪ see all tracks lead you out from the dark see all tracks lead you out to the stars ♪ ♪ make the light lead you out make the light lead you out make the light lead you out make the light lead you out ♪ ♪ make the light lead you out make the light lead you out make the light lead you out make the light lead you out ♪ ♪ make the light lead you out make the light lead you out make
♪ why can't you take the leaf off your mouth now that you have facts on your side ♪ ♪ take a moment to reflect where we're going let reason guide you ♪ ♪ see all tracks lead you out from the dark what makes up you and i ♪ we need to survive ♪ ♪ how we flourish and die ♪ what it means to be alive ♪ what it means to be alive ♪ make the light lead you out make the light lead you out ♪ ♪ make the light lead you out
this is a special edition of "nightline." i want that house. >> tonight, mission impossible. it might not look like a dream home, but one man's trash is another man's -- well, fixer upper. tonight, meet the gun-toting agent who sees opportunity in homes like these. and why may be you should, too. house whisperer. the staging savant who claims she can boost the sale price of a home by 20% with her own personal makeover. how she's helped some of hollywood's hottest stars cash in big and how her secrets can work for you. >> that's it.
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