tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC April 11, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
sandhya, all of us, thank you. >> see you tomorrow. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, richard gere, author kelly oxford, and music from the shins. and now, at long last, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you doing? hi. hi, everyone. very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. wow. you know what? very nice. i appreciate it. i have to say, to be honest, i walked out, i spotted fanny
packs in the audience. that's when you know you're having a party, right? you know who you are, right? yeah, yeah, yeah. well, you got the fanny packs and the croakies too, that's a good combination. where are you from? brooklyn, new york? there you go, that's right. [ cheers and applause ] that's what we're like. well, welcome to the show. thank you. we have a lot to get to starting with united airlines. what a week for united airlines. [ audience booing ] did they do something wrong? [ laughter ] that video of the doctor being dragged off the plane and then the airline's response to it has turned into an absolute nightmare from a pr standpoint. even pepsi was like, i wouldn't want to be you guys this week. and not only are they taking a publicity hit, they took an economic hit too. united stock went way down today. the company lost $255 million in market value in one day.
[ cheers and applause ] means nothing, really. which means they could have given each of those four passengers they kicked off the plane their own jet planes. they could have given each a 737 and still come out ahead of the deal. unfortunately they didn't. the good news is as a result of all this the ceo of united promised not to drag customers off the planes anymore. [ cheers and applause ] unless they're way overbooked. christmas, if it gets crazy, they might have to pull somebody off. this united fiasco actually overshadow good news for those who fly. the ftc had decided to withdraw a proposal that would have allowed passengers to make phone calls on their cell phones during a flight. thank god. because literally the only good thing about flying is no one could call you and no one around you can make phone calls. it's a no phone zone. [ cheers and applause ]
imagine how terrible that would be. if it was up to me i would ban phone calls in all public places. elevators, stores. [ cheers and applause ] people are so loud. they should really be ashamed of themselves. i was at the supermarket in the produce section. this guy had a headset in. he's just walking around as if his wife was shopping with him. she was not there. he was talking to her. he's just loudly having a conversation. what kind of onions? they have -- do you want the red onions? they have red, white, yellow onions. oh, wait, i think that's a lemon, is that a lemon? i don't know if it's an onion or a lemon. i wanted to tear a plastic bag off the roll and put it on his head and suffocate him with it. [ cheers and applause ] what a violent group. here's the thing. if you think anyone wants to hear you talking on the phone? tape yourself talking on the phone. and listen back to it. that's all it will take to learn how horrible you are. meanwhile, president trump has
been flying a lot lately, privately, of course. donald trump is on pace to spend more on travel in his first year as president than president obama spent all eight years in office combined. the president's trips to florida every weekend have already cost more than $20 million of taxpayer money. see, this is the guy we need united to drag off the plane. [ audience booing ] you guys missed the joke, let's try this again. [ laughter ] see, this is the guy we need united to drag off the plane! [ cheers and applause ] [ drumroll ] wow, you guys are surly. this is like a violent group, it's like when you go to the zoo and like the monkeys get excited or something. trump has also played 16 rounds of golf in his first 80 days, one round every five days. you turn on the tv, a lot of people complaining donald trump's off playing golf instead of working. i don't understand that. i want him off playing golf instead of working. [ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ] i'd like him to join the senior pga tour. not only is the president racking up major travel expenses, we have to pay to fly his wife melania out there every weekend from new york. say what you want about donald trump, he's consistent. no matter what he says, no matter what he does, invariably he's tweeted something that contradicts it. always. everything. he's consistently inconsistent. this is what he wrote about obama playing golf in 2011. the habitual vacationer, barack obama, is now in hawaii. this vacation is costing taxpayers $4 million plus, while there's 20% unemployment. which there wasn't. why didn't barack obama and his family travel separately to martha's vineyard? they love to extravagantly spend the taxpayer's dime. well, to be fair, the obamas were involved in a very unusual situation where they lived together in the same house. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] anyway. he tweeted, the president must get congressional approval before attacking syria, big mistake if he does not. and then he attacked syria.
without getting approval from congress. there are dozens of these. seems like -- i don't know, seems like the only person not paying attention to donald trump's twitter account is donald trump. he should go through and maybe read some of that stuff every once in a while. meanwhile, his press secretary sean spicer really stepped in it today. during his daily briefing sporty spicer as he is known made an absolutely incredible statement about syrian president assad, that if it wasn't so disturbing, would have been hit-larious. let just say that. he said, even someone as despicable as hitler didn't sink to using chemical weapons, which of course is very wrong. hitler infamously used zyclon gas to kill millions of innocent people. watch this and listen closely. if you listen very closely, you can almost hear the voice inside his head. >> we didn't use chemical weapons in world war ii. you know, you had a -- you know, someone as despicable as hitler who didn't even sink to the --
to using chemical weapons. so you have to, if you're -- oh, no, did i just defend hitler? hitler? i think i did. why did i even do that? why even bring up the holocaust? at press secretary school, the one rule is never defend hitler! i think when it comes to sarin gas, he was not using the gas on his own people the same way -- oh my god! of course hitler gassed people! i learned that in high school, we all did. what the hell are you doing, sean, you stupid, stupid, stoop! i just want to go to cabo. all right, guys. see you back in a little bit. i know we're going to have one more. thank you. >> jimmy: oh, hey, well. that's a nice way to kind of make it up. thank you, sporty spicer. [ applause ] sean spicer might be the only press secretary who needs a press secretary.
here's another nutty thing that's rooted at the white house. this time the bush white house, jenna bush hager, daughter of george w. bush, filling in for hoda on the "today" show. yesterday she filled us in on a heretofore untold bush family secret. >> do you want to know the truth? my grandma's missing a toe on each foot. she's missing a toe. >> barbara? >> is missing a toe on each foot. >> has she ever divulged that? >> not that i know of. but she has darling feet. and they look cute. >> is it the big one that's missing? >> i think it's the second, i'm sorry, i shouldn't have said it. but it happened with age. and now you're right -- >> with age? she had them before, now she doesn't? >> yeah. >> they disappeared? >> they say if you don't sleep -- >> jimmy: what? if you don't sleep enough your toes go away? [ laughter ] sounds like a weird way to convince your kid to take a nap. grandma said if you don't go to sleep our toes will go away!
so that was yesterday. and today on "today," jenna was asked to elaborate. >> anyway, she had a regular set of toes. and then as she aged she had a occurrence called hammer toes where she accidentally -- they got a little bit close together. >> scrunched with bad shoes and things like that, a lot of women get them. >> she had two removed. >> not the hammer toe? the actual toes? >> the toes were gone. >> did she get a discount on pedicures? >> dani, i'm sorry. >> this is why you don't drink wine on live television. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] barbara bush, god bless her. she wasn't upset about what her granddaughter revealed. in fact, she's parlaying that new bit of information into a music career. ♪ can't touch this ♪ hammer toes
[ applause ] >> jimmy: don't worry, nobody's going to rye to touch those. we have to take a break. when we come back from the break, we pity the latest fool eliminated from "dancing with the stars" and i will show you what might be the strangest moment in the history of "wheel of fortune" so stick around, we'll be right back. ♪ i wanna rock right now ♪ i'm lil yachty and i'm down, if you're down ♪ ♪ i'm not the most lyrical kid known ♪ ♪ yet i'm known to keep the party going ♪ ♪ now look what you made me do ♪ you and me baby it takes two ♪ bringing new moves to the old school ♪ ♪ 1, 2, 3 get loose now ♪ it takes two to make a thing go right ♪ ♪ 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 ♪ it takes two to make it outta sight ♪
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mr. t said he wanted to honor god through his dance. i have to say that came through. when i saw him dance i was like, oh my god! [ laughter ] before "t" went on his merry way, erin andrews took some time to say a fond good-bye. >> standing owe vagts, my friend. >> thank you, thank you, thank you. >> i don't even have a question, i just wanted to say thank you. >> thank you. >> you came to our family and you're leaving us and we're all bigger fans than we were, you are a lover. >> jimmy: what? no, he's not a lover, he's a fighter. [ laughter ] he beat rocky for god's sake. farewell to mr. t. now we are down to three celebrities. and six other people pretending to be celebrities. [ laughter ] on "dancing with the stars." in other competition show news. this is an early front-runner for clip of the year from "wheel of fortune." i'm not sure if this is one of the worst answers in game show history or one of the best, you can decide for yourself.
the category here is "living things." >> it's a living thing. >> popsicle bike. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: unfortunately the answer was not popsicle bike. it was honeysuckle bush. and a lot of people get those two mixed up, but -- [ laughter ] i wanted to know more. we tracked that couple down. they live in carrollton, texas. joining us now on our big cisco screen, the wall of america, welcome melinda and larry gardner. [ cheers and applause ] hi, guys. >> hello. >> jimmy: how are you? >> good, how are you? >> jimmy: thank you for talking to us. you're dressed the same. was that intentional? >> he copied me. >> jimmy: so first i'd like to ask, how did you wind up on
"wheel of fortune" in the first place? >> oh my goodness. "wheel of fortune" is our favorite show. we always watch it or else record it. and one day we heard that the wheel mobile was coming. and so me and a friend went to the wheel mobile. and we actually got called up and solved the puzzle. a couple weeks later i got a -- an e-mail saying, come to an audition. and they said, if you are married and a grandparent, you can also bring your spouse. and i was so excited because i didn't want to go alone. so at first he was a little hesitant about going. >> jimmy: why were you hesitant about going on your favorite show? >> she had been telling me for months after month after month, we're going on that show one day, we're going on that show one day. i didn't think it was real. >> jimmy: you get on the show. i assume you're nervous. the letters start popping up. and then out pops the words "popsicle bike."
have you ever been on a popsicle bike? [ laughter ] why was that in your head? >> well, i was wondering the same thing. [ laughter ] then i thought about it. pat was on one side, he was on the other, i think i needed to be cooled off. that's the first thing i thought about, popsicle. i couldn't figure out the second word so i said bike. >> jimmy: larry, what was going through your head when your wife said popsicle bike? >> well, if you had a chance to watch whole show you'll see i was mostly the spinner and she was the puzzle solver. >> jimmy: i see. >> i was agreeing to spin the puzzle again afterwards -- spin the wheel. >> jimmy: even though you answered popsicle bike you still won, how much did you win? [ applause ] >> yes, yes. we went to the bonus round, yes, it was great. >> jimmy: we have a special bonus prize for you that i think is going to be very helpful to you going forward. guillermo, bring in the bonus prize.
this is for you, melinda. [ cheers and applause ] we've had our drops department working for several days building this. guillermo had to eat so many popsicles to make this for you. this is a bike made of popsicle sticks. >> yes. >> jimmy: don't ever ride it or it will break immediately. i think this would make a lovely addition to your home, i really do. >> i think so too. >> jimmy: thank you guys for talking to us. we appreciate it. congratulations on winning the show and making "wheel of fortune" history also. watch out for splinters when you get on the bike. all right, melinda and larry, everybody. thank you very much. tonight on the show music from the shins, kelly oxford is here, be right back with richard gere! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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busibusinessman 1: yea, yea, yea...you know what i'ml craving right now? businessman 1: (over speaker) --guacamole and bacon. audio tech: we got a craving! go go go!!! music: crashing cravings in the crave van. jack's gonna crash your crave! jack: hey guys, try my guacamole and bacon chicken sandwich with all white meat chicken, guacamole and pepperjack cheese. businessman 1: thanks jack.... wait. we're on the 18th floor. how did you get here? jack: hard work. jack vo: you crave it, we serve it. try my new guacamole and bacon chicken sandwich. music: crave van! >> jimmy: hi there, welcome back to the show. tonight a very funny tweeter and author too. her new book is called "when you find out the world is against you." kelly oxford is here. kelly's very funny.
a little bit of trivia, kelly was part of the inspiration for "mean tweets" on the show. we'll explain that later. then later, this is their new album, it's called "heartworms"" the shins from the mercedes-benz stage. [ cheers and applause ] you can see the shins live at the 50th annual summer fest starting june 28 in milwaukee, wisconsin. tomorrow night, armie hammer, judd apatow, john mayer will be here. thursday, charlize theron, tony goldwyn, music from romeo santos. so please join us then. 27 years ago, mere steps from this building, our first guest made romantic comedy history when he pulled over and picked up julia roberts in order to pay her for sex. you know him from many memorable films. his newest is "norman: the moderate rise and tragic fall of a new york fixer." it opens friday. please welcome richard gere! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how's life? >> this is a band. >> jimmy: yeah, they're very good. >> this is a band. >> jimmy: see that? >> this is a real band. i like that. >> jimmy: do you play an instrument? i play guitar. >> jimmy: you do? >> what's he playing? a gibson gold top, very nice. >> jimmy: is that right? gibson gold top? richard gere is correct! [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you very much! >> jimmy: do you want to take the $200 or do you want to go on to the next question? >> i want that bicycle you had out here. >> jimmy: we can make you one of those. every one of those popsicles has been licked. have you always been richard?
were you ever ritchie or rich or anything like that? perhaps dick? i don't know. in your life? >> my father, who's 95 years old, he slipped the other day. he was out here visiting my brother who teaches at ucla. and he started calling me dick, dicky, rick, ricky, dick, dick, dick. and i said, dad, no. it's richard. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: when did it become richard? >> when i was 18. >> jimmy: 18 years old? >> i went to the refrigerator, i pulled a beer out, "i'm richard." [ applause ] >> jimmy: i talk to my beer also. we had different types of conversations. your dad is 95 years old -- >> interesting conversations. there's a lot of medicinal stuff. >> jimmy: yeah, there's -- i noticed that too. >> i noticed that back there. >> jimmy: there's a haze of pot smoke. you know, it doesn't -- it doesn't have to be medicinal in california, it's legal, completely legal, recreational. [ cheers and applause ]
>> i blame them. stoned. this entire group. >> jimmy: this is going to be -- it occurs to me this is going to be our first easter with legal marijuana. i mean, the jellybeans are in serious danger right now. you've had such an interesting life. you know so many interesting people. one of the people that you know, we see photos every once in a while of you with the dalai lama, which is -- would you consider him to be your friend? >> yeah. friend, teacher, for sure. >> jimmy: friend, teacher, et cetera, et cetera. >> now you're going to do something weird. >> jimmy: not that weird, i don't think i could do anything weirder than what the dalai lama did here. what is the dalai lama doing here? >> well, the dalai lama, if you look closely, tibetans have these little noses. us westerners -- >> jimmy: i have a good-sized nose.
>> i have a nice big one too. something you can grab ahold of. that's what he's doing there. >> jimmy: why is he doing that? he's so tickled by your nose? >> he loves it. he like touches, he likes doing all this stuff. >> jimmy: really? this could an problem if this was a woman and he decided he liked a different body part. >> no, no, no, no. >> jimmy: no, he wouldn't do anything like that. >> no, no. >> jimmy: no leader of any -- >> would ever do anything like that. never. >> jimmy: and in addition to the dalai lama -- he seems like a funny guy. is he funny? one on one? >> yeah, he -- your guy was asking me before. it's not that he tells jokes. he's just -- he sees humor in everything. he sees humor in himself. >> jimmy: it seems so unusual. >> very lighthearted and -- he breaks down that expectation that of course everyone would have, you meet the dalai lama, it's like meeting the pope, you expect to be healed or transcended or something.
>> jimmy: right. >> he breaks that down and makes it -- >> jimmy: instead he grabs your nose. [ laughter ] like an uncle. >> i have an enlightened nose now. >> jimmy: speaking of meeting the pope, you met the pope as well, you had a one-on-one meeting with the pope. >> this is a long story, too long for this. we did meet. i offered the father, the papa, a kata, which is a white ceremonial scarf. it was one that the dalai lama had given me, and i was offering it to the pope from his holiness the dalai lama. >> jimmy: i see, regifting. >> i was regifting. [ laughter ] it wasn't one of the better ones. no, but he was very sweet with it. he took it like it was a holy relic. in a way it is. it's from a great leader to another one. and a great man. and he folded it up very carefully and gave it to his attendant to put in a special place.
>> jimmy: are those guys in touch? do they have each other's -- >> they hang, they hang. >> jimmy: do they text each other or anything like that? it seems like they should be in touch. >> they should. and they can't because of the chinese. >> jimmy: oh, right. oh, wow. the chinese keep them from palling around, playing golf, whatever they would have done? >> the chinese are giving the chinese catholics a hard time in china. >> jimmy: right. >> and the vatican is negotiating with them. to keep connection with the catholics in china. the dalai lama is being persecuted by the chinese because he has so many followers inside tibet, which was invaded by china in 1950. i got that all out. >> jimmy: somehow you got in the middle of all this. it's really kind of amazing. >> which brings us to "norman." >> jimmy: right. we are going to talk about "norman." we have another segment, i want to get into that. you as i mentioned in your introduction shot "pretty woman," part of it, right outside our theater. do you remember that?
>> no, they were asking me about it before. it was at night. i think it was a lotus, the car was a lotus or something. >> jimmy: yeah, lotus. it must be strange when people remember -- details of your career more than you do, yeah. >> no, i don't remember where it was. >> jimmy: when is the last time you saw that movie yourself? >> you want to know the truth? when i saw it with her. when we were in previews. >> jimmy: that was the last time? >> that was 20 -- you guys tell me, how long ago was that? 27 years ago? >> jimmy: i imagine it's something you hear about all the time from people. almost every day? >> all over the world. that is the one. >> jimmy: that is the one that people mention all the time. and do you ever have a woman come up to you and say, because of you and your movie, i became a hooker? anything like that? [ laughter ] >> every once in a while, yeah. >> jimmy: that must be a great feeling, i must say. >> amazing how he can make these transitions from the dalai lama,
don' don't trust me, trust philip. good things come in surprising ways, you never know, right? i mean -- worse comes to worst, he kicks me out the door. >> no, worse comes to worst he kicks me out the door. it is my job to keep people like you away, don't you get that? >> yes. >> please respect my position. stop. please. i'm sorry, i don't know what else to say. >> so i'll tell my partners that we had a good conversation. we'll see what happens, okay? >> jimmy: that is richard gere in "norman." the full title is "norman, the moderate rise and tragic fall of a new york fixer." >> what they didn't do, in the beginning of this, i got a scheme, goit an idea to make some money. >> jimmy: your character is full of schemes. >> all schemes. >> full of ideas. would you describe him as a con
artist? >> not really. he thinks he can make these happen. >> jimmy: right. >> and there's no -- i would say there's no darkness in this guy. he's kind of -- the director hates it when i say this, he's kind of a holy fool. i don't know how to describe him. it took me eight months to figure out what to do with him. we had a lot of time before we started shooting. but there's -- he believes everything he says. >> jimmy: right. >> they're all lies. they're all half-truths and lies. he believes every one of them. and there's nothing in him that would ever hurt anybody. and he finds a way by the end of this film to make everyone's dreams come true, including his own. in a bizarre way. you've seen the film. >> jimmy: yeah, i did see the movie. i have to say, you did a great job in it. we saw that character you're playing. a little bit of it gives you -- it's much different than characters you've played previously. >> his instincts are completely different. >> jimmy: you're almost unattractive. [ laughter ] not there yet, but -- >> not there yet. >> jimmy: what is it like to suddenly look like a regular
human being? [ laughter ] i mean, albeit you are in disguise. >> it's a nightmare. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i say it must be, as if i don't know, i live it every day. welcome to our world is what i'm trying to say. that is more fun for you to play a character like that? >> this was a gas, this guy. yeah. he's a completely unique character. i never -- not even in a novel, i never read a character as unusual and unique as this guy. so yeah, it was a lot of fun. >> jimmy: i hope you get to play more characters like that. it was fun to see you doing that. being in that group. i don't want to give too much of it away. it's really good. >> he's a goofball but everyone's a goofball in this. michael sheehan's a goofball, everyone is a goofball. >> jimmy: if you like goofballs -- >> this is the one for you! >> jimmy: it's called "norman" opens in theaters friday. be right back with kelly oxford! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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>> jimmy: still to come, music from the shins. our next guest is a best-selling author and tweeter with a very funny new book about her mild paranoia. "when you find out the world is against you" comes out next week. please welcome kelly oxford. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's a lovely dress you have on there. >> thank you. >> jimmy: did the designer get that for you? or did you arrange it yourself? >> i arranged it myself. valentino lent to it me. >> jimmy: how down to earth, yet not. >> thank you. [ laughter ] that's me in a nutshell. >> jimmy: how are you doing? did you meet richard gere? you write about -- you make "pretty woman" references a lot. >> yeah, i didn't meet richard gere. >> jimmy: oh. >> but i did pretty much have my first kiss with him.
i kissed my first boy while watching "pretty woman." and i was looking at richard gere. while i was kissing mike mcgill. >> jimmy: wow. >> so we're close. >> jimmy: how many times have you seen that movie? >> oh, so many. it was my grandmother's favorite movie. she called it "the whore and the rich guy." [ laughter ] we watched it a lot. >> jimmy: it's like they translated it into russian then translated it back. >> she's like, you know "the whore and the rich guy"? i'm like, yeah. yeah, "pretty woman. >> jimmy: you've seen it more than the rich guy has, pretty remarkable. >> yeah, i have. >> jimmy: this is your second book now. for those who don't know, you -- i discovered you on twitter. i would read your tweets, and i thought, oh, they're very funny, i started following you. then a lot of people started following -- i think a lot of people started following you before i did. i'm taking credit for your success. >> it's okay, i don't mind. >> jimmy: you parlayed this into a second book now. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and a big fan base. is it hard though to write the
second book? is it harder than the first book? >> no. >> jimmy: you have plenty of things that happen -- >> i moved to los angeles with my family. i have three children who are 15, 13, and 8. so i had a lot of material. just from moving from canada to l.a. >> jimmy: how do you even write when you have three children? you work at home? >> i work at home. but for the books, i go to hotels. this time i went to hotel covel, i went to the beverly wilshire, which is also "pretty woman." >> jimmy: like the whore "pretty woman." like your grandmother referenced. >> she would really enjoy that. >> jimmy: you would go into the hotel and write in the hotel? >> i spent a week at the beverly wilshire. and would just write. >> jimmy: is it -- i would find like the mini bar -- >> no. >> jimmy: the spectrovision, do they still have that? >> when you have three kids at home it's nice to be alone. >> jimmy: it is nice to be alone. >> it's nice to be alone. and i like to write really late. like until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning.
>> you never -- >> i can't do that at home, really. >> jimmy: you can't, because everybody's around. >> everybody, i'll wake them up, then they have to get up, it's not fun. >> jimmy: when you're writing, you don't go down to the coffee shop? >> i'll go for one walk just to like get alcohol and come back. >> jimmy: oh, so this book is written while drunk? >> a little bit. a little bit. >> jimmy: a pretty good title, "written while drunk," or a subtitle or something. that's like a celebrity hotel, were there celebrities in the hotel while you were there? >> there was one night i finished writing about 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. i was laying down going to sleep finally. and i heard like acoustic guitar and somebody being like ♪ hey baby love you and i was like, what's going on? there was some serenading going on. and it was awful, it was terrible. and i called the front desk. and i was like, somebody in the pent -- i was below the penthouse.
i said, whoever's in the penthouse is singing at 4:00 in the morning to their lover, i'm guessing, listening to this, and it's awful and you need to stop them. and so they went upstairs and they stopped them. they called me back and said, okay, he apologizes profusely. the next day i went down to the lobby and i found out it was wiz khalifa. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they told you? >> yeah. and he also had like six lambeaus in the driveway all with personalized plates, with variations of "wiz" or "khalifa." he doesn't want to be anonymous at all. >> jimmy: no, yeah. when you're wiz khalifa, you don't need to be anonymous. >> no. >> jimmy: you are -- >> maybe when you're playing acoustic guitar. >> jimmy: are you sensitive to criticism in general? >> yes. yeah. >> jimmy: as i mentioned earlier, "mean tweets" which has become this big thing. >> it's the greatest. >> jimmy: was a result of, we were sitting at my kitchen table. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it was you and me and my wife. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and you --
>> i was -- we were both looking at twitter. and i was like, people are so mean. and you were like, people are so mean! then we both started reading them to each other, trying to outdo each other. but kind of getting -- i was getting more depressed. >> jimmy: yeah, i know. >> it was awful. >> jimmy: i find of funny. yeah. >> i was getting more depressed. but molly was dying laughing. she was like, we need to put this on the show. >> jimmy: then that's how that came to life. >> yes, she's so smart. >> jimmy: kind of crazy that that happened like that. >> it blew up. >> jimmy: it seems so obvious. [ applause ] >> jimmy: do you still, when it comes to -- >> that's for molly. that's for molly. >> jimmy: that was a talk show applause break right there. [ laughter ] are you still -- still look at that stuff? have you risen above that? >> i got a little deeper than that. my first and second book are both essays about my life and things that i do. and on, you know, websites like amazon, barnes & noble, there are reviews. and the reviews are much meaner
than the -- the bad reviews are much meaner than 140 characters on twitter. >> jimmy: really? on amazon? >> because i'm the character in the book. so if they don't like -- they can say the worst things about me. so i read all the bad reviews. all the people who hate me, people who think i'm the worst person in the entire universe. what i did to make myself feel better was on amazon, especially, you can click on the person's name and go to their wish list to see the things that they want people to buy them. i would find the worst thing on their wish list, like tiger balm. metamucil. self-help books. and i'd purchase them for the people who left the bad reviews for me. >> jimmy: oh, wow. [ applause ] >> you see, it makes everybody feel better, yes. it actually made me feel better. i'd leave a note, hope you enjoy
this more than you enjoyed my book! >> jimmy: you realize you're setting yourself up for something terrible. >> that ship has sailed, this is not going to happen for the second book. >> jimmy: you're not doing it? >> i'm not doing it anymore, i don't want any more bad reviews. now that i've outed myself as a gift giver. >> jimmy: why don't you pick a few reviews that you really like and then go to their wish list? >> that's a great idea. >> jimmy: thank you very much, see? >> you're such a good friend, a great friend. >> jimmy: i really came up with another winner. this is the book, it's called "when you find out the world is against you and other funny memories about awful moments." kelly oxford, everybody. thank you very much, kelly. the book comes out april 18th. be right back with the shins! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
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first, this is their new album, it's called "heartworms." here with the song "half a million," the shins! ♪ ♪ i make myself a promise then break it every night i'm feeling loose and life don't make no sense ♪ ♪ i use my brains to build a fence round the claim i stake i take the drugs but the drugs won't take ♪ ♪ i took a pledge to grow up then drank enough to make me throw up on all my dearly ♪ ♪ disappointed friends i'm just too lazy to make amends with you anyway that's why the pattern still remains ♪ ♪ there's half a million things that i'm supposed to
be a shelter in the nighttime a punk running free ♪ ♪ and if it gets too deep i reach for my guitar and if i try hard i find something i can ♪ ♪ really drop into and everything that was is just a thing that i can sing cause everything is ♪ ♪ something next to nothing as crazy as it seems you give it up and you are free ♪ ♪ ♪ another candle to blow out new set of dark thoughts shut out and everybody's got their remedies ♪ ♪ but nothing works like chemistry so raise a toast no more sipping from the fire hose ♪ ♪ there's half a million things that i'm supposed to be a shelter in the nighttime a punk running free ♪
♪ and if it gets too deep i reach for my guitar and if i try hard i find something i can ♪ ♪ really drop into and everything that was is just a thing that i can sing cause everything is ♪ ♪ something next to nothing as crazy as it seems you give it up and you are free ♪ ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh, la, la, la ♪ oh, oh, oh, la, la, la ♪ there's half a million things that you're supposed to be ♪ ♪ a punk running free ♪ and if it gets too deep i reach for my guitar
and if you try hard ♪ ♪ there's half a million things that i'm supposed to be a shelter in the nighttime a punk running free ♪ ♪ and if it gets too deep i reach for my guitar and if you try hard ♪ ♪ there's half a million things that i'm supposed to be a shelter in the nighttime a punk running free ♪ ♪ and if it gets too deep i reach for my guitar and if you try hard ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
what took me this long ♪ this is a special edition of "nightline." "passing the trash." teachers who cross the line. tonight -- >> he started touching us in improper places. >> predatory teachers allegedly grooming and abusing young students. >> at the beginning it was all about establishing himself as a friend. >> some former students now saying their painful claims were ignored. >> the thing i remember the most was feeling the warmth of his breath next to my face. >> and accused teachers shuffled to different schools in different states, sometimes even with recommendations. >> it's the easy way out. get them out of our school. let someone else deal with him. >> the practice known as passing the trash. the brave women speaking out against it. this special edition of "nightline" will be right back.