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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  August 17, 2019 10:00pm-11:00pm PDT

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tonight, former first lady michelle obama, lin-manuel miranda, and "this week in unnecessary censorship." and now, what do you know, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ how you doing? thank you very much. thanks, everyone. hi, there. that's very nice. thank you, cleto. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. relax, relax, relax. please. thank you for being patted down to be here tonight. oh, you are -- you picked a good night to show up. we have quite a program tonight. lin-manuel miranda and michelle obama are here tonight.
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[ cheers and applause ] you remember mrs. obama from when we had a united states? our former first lady is here to share stories from her new autobiography, "becoming," as in, "what the hell is this country becoming?" we'll get into all that in a bit, and of course as we do for any double vip-type situation, we beefed up security for the first lady's visit. in fact, we got the beefiest security we could find. how's it going? that's right, boss. good. [ cheers and applause ] how does it look out there? are we all clear? is everything ready to go? we are green to go. roger. you're listening to the lakers game in that earpiece, aren't you? yes, yes. you know, we were supposed to get a ruling in the case of cnn versus the white house today, but a federal judge postponed his decision until tomorrow. cnn, as you may know, is suing the trump administration
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for violating the first amendment, the fifth amendment, and for committing multiple crimes of grindelwald, and cnn is hoping to have their press clearance reinstated whereas donald trump is hoping jim acosta will be sentenced to death and now we have to wait till tomorrow. today was also the deadline for election recounts in florida. they've been dragging this thing out longer than a three-hour season finale of "the bachelor," but there are recounts in three races, they still have some sorting out to do. but ron desantis will be the next governor. the senate and the agricultural commissioner, the races for those offices are now headed to a hand recount. palm beach county missed their recount deadline of 3:00 p.m. eastern today. but, you know, you'd think with all the meth in florida, they would count a little bit faster. [ applause ] president trump, meanwhile, is not having a good week. president trump has been spinning in a tasmanian devil-style rage this week as rumors of turmoil and tumult continue to swirl.
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trump took to twitter to lash out at special counsel robert mueller at 7:14 a.m. the president pecked, "the inner workings of the mueller investigation are a total mess. they have found no collusion and have gone absolutely nuts. they are screaming and shouting at people, horribly threatening them to come up with the answers they want. they are a disgrace to our nation and don't..." and then he left us hanging for 18 minutes before delivering part two. " how many lives they ruin. these are angry people, including the highly conflicted bob mueller who worked for obama for eight years. they won't even look at all of the bad acts and crimes on the other side. a total witch hunt like no other in american history." he always forgets we had real witch hunts in american history in which they killed witches, but this is the biggest witch hunt, and bob mueller is moving on you like a witch, my friend. [ cheers and applause ] that wasn't his only tweet.
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he wasn't done, though. he wrote, "universities will someday study what highly conflicted and not senate approved bob mueller and his gang of democrat thugs have done to destroy people. why is he protecting crooked hillary, comey, mccabe, lisa page and her lover, peter s., and all of his friends on the other side?" well, first of all, as has been said a million times, robert mueller is a lifelong republican, not a democrat, and he is senate-approved. he's been confirmed by the senate multiple times. but secondly, you can't criticize someone for shouting at people in all caps. i mean... even when he's writing, he's yelling. meanwhile, this is what donald trump should be worried about. this was today. there's his sugar vladdy at the east asia summit giving a little pat to mike pence. now, they tried to play it cool and just stroll by. and you can see putin saying right there, "you are next. you are my next guy."
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then john bolton jumps in hoping he'll be next after pence, and then it's like, "alright, you know what? now we're being a little obvious. i'll see you later tonight." this is good. you know, elon musk who runs tesla? well, elon musk has a brother named kimbal -- kimbal musk, which also happens to be the name of a new cologne i'm marketing. and kimbal paid a visit to the fox business channel this morning where he gave the host of the show a lot less than i guess he bargained for. hi. thank you for having me here. i'm so excited about plant a seed day in 2019. hold on, hold on, hold on. i know you want to get to plant a seed day. i understand entirely, kimbal. however -- i'm really excited about it. it's gonna be amazing. i know you are. look, you are on the board at tesla... it's going to be -- ...and you've got a new chair, okay? have you heard anything from her? is she laying down the law? i am so happy for the future of tesla. on march 20, 2019, we're going to do a plant a seed day. we're gonna get a thousand families. oh, come on. come on. i don't need to know you're very happy about the future of tesla.
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i want to know what your new chair is doing at tesla on the board. what i'd like to share is i am so happy about the future of tesla... [ chuckles ] ...and plant a seed day in 2019 will be a way for companies across america to participate. oh, come on. oh, come on. look, you think my viewers want to learn about plant a seed day? do you really? plant a seed day is gonna be awesome! are you kidding me? it's gonna be amazing. we're gonna get a million families to plant a seed. they don't care, kimbal. yeah, yeah. are you sure he has a brother and that wasn't just elon musk in a hat? [ laughter ] there was a major damning bombshell dig into facebook yesterday published in the new york times alleging all kinds of shady things about the company and their leaders, and if you're mark zuckerberg and you're in the midst of a pr nightmare, what do you do? i'll tell you what you do. you sing karaoke with kanye west. kanye posted this photo on twitter. he said they were singing the backstreet boys, "i want it that way." that's right -- just two guys who love hoodies and hate privacy singing '90s power ballads together.
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is it possible that kanye is now done with donald trump and onto an even wealthier super villain? hey, here's a story i bet michelle obama would approve of. there's a school district in long island, new york, that's cracking down on ketchup. they have a new policy, and under this policy, ketchup and other condiments will be limited to one or two packets per student per meal. the idea is to promote healthy eating, but some parents are furious about this. one mother called it un-american. which, i mean, really? i like it, too. ketchup is not a civil right. it's a condiment. how long before donald trump jumps on this one? the liberals are taking away our ketchup! i don't know what's going on in the school district. probably the kids are taking the packets and stomping on them, but at this point, shouldn't we be encouraging kids to eat packets of anything that isn't laundry detergent? you know, they always say -- [ applause ] thank you. they always say children are our future,
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and it's hard to argue with that. president trump's been in office for nearly two years now, and adults talk about trump pretty much all the time. but i wanted to get a sense of how kids feel about the president, so i went out to our stoop where children have been known to congregate, and i had a little sidewalk-side chat with a young lady named nora. ♪ what's your name? nora. nora. how old are you? four. four years old? i used to be four years old. did you know that? yeah. and i don't live here. i live in oregon. oh, you do? are you on vacation? no. no? we're visiting nani. oh, you're visiting nani, your grandma? no. oh. who's nani? nani is my mom's mom. that's your grandma, right? no. no, she's not? okay. so, do you know who donald trump is? no. you don't?
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you never heard donald trump? have you ever heard that name before? i know about donald duck. oh, you know donald duck? i know donald duck from "mickey mouse clubhouse." you know donald duck, but you don't know donald trump? well, donald duck is a duck, and donald trump is the president. hmm. yeah. do you know what the president is? no. do you know where the president lives? no. um, do you know the name of this country we live in? no. no. do you know what color the flag is? yeah. what color? red. red. what else? blue. and what else? green. ooh, we were so close. we were so close. great job. thank you. it was nice talking to you. yeah. give me five. ♪
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alright, well, i guess they're not talking about him. thank you, nora. and one more thing before we forge ahead. it is thursday night, which means it's time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. it is time for "this week in unnecessary censorship." [ cheers and applause ] this afternoon, the first lady, melania trump, called for a top official on the national security council to be [bleep] you know what i was thinking about -- danielle and i [bleep] this morning. and you've been sick. he's making it very awkward. ♪ well, keith just [bleep] off on nicole's shoulder ♪ mesmerized. we couldn't stop talking about you. yeah, that's right. and not just about your [bleep] other parts too. we just thought you were amazing. i have never [bleep] a woman. i never will [bleep] a woman. performing her new single, "let you [bleep] me," this is rita ora. with white chocolate chips and holiday sprinkles, it's gonna be a [bleep] in your mouth. woman: holy moly. gregory melican,
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[bleep] you, gregory. steven malakoff, [bleep] you. [bleep] you, steven. -i'd like to solve. -do it. -[bleep]ing off in a helicopter. -that is it. [ cheers and applause ] kimmel: alright. hey, we got a great show tonight. lin-manuel miranda is here, and we'll be right back with michelle obama. ♪ and this is a real person named mackenzie book. hi, i'm mac book. so mac, which laptop lasts longer? surface laptop lasts longer. hmm, interesting. and which one's faster? this one's faster. really? amazing. which one has a better touchscreen? the surface has a better touchscreen. because it actually has a touchscreen. oh, right. macs don't have touchscreens. you should get a surface. trust me, i'm mac book. well, there you have it. mac book says, "get a surface."
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hi, there. welcome back to the show. tonight, a man of many talents. he is a part of the new movie "mary poppins returns." lin-manuel miranda is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. oh, and i do want to mention,
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on monday, we have our annual red benefit show. we teamed up with the great charity, red, to raise awareness and money for the fight against aids. this year, i'll be joined once again by bono, who's with us every year, and our guests will be chris rock, kristen bell, channing tatum, snoop dogg, mila kunis, pharrell, will ferrell, and who knows who else? guillermo, are there any -- [ laughs ] it's a good look for you, actually. thanks, jimmy. i feel great. you do? you feel -- yeah. i feel like you're a pallbearer at my funeral right now. nah. [ laughs ] no? alright. anyway, that's our red show on monday night. please join us for that. in 1989, our first guest went on a fateful date with a charming muslim immigrant from kenya and had no idea that it would lead to her one day being first lady of the united states. you can read all about her history-making life in this new memoir called "becoming." please say hello to michelle obama. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ i wonder... [ cheers and applause continue ] there you go. [ chuckles ] i think, hopefully, that gives you... [ cheers and applause continue ] alright. stop that! stop that. do you see -- do you see how -- aww, i'm gonna cry. you see how much we miss you? yeah. i mean, we really -- where did you go? [ laughs ] we're here. we're just in a -- we're in another house. yeah. we need you back in the old house.
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well, there are other people living there. how is unemployment going? are you embracing it? yeah, it's going okay, and i was just trying to think of what we've been doing, but, truthfully, we're boring, you know? i mean, we have a teenager at home... mm-hmm. ...and she makes us feel inadequate every day. nice. well, we don't feel that way. so, our self-esteem is low. can i tell you how we feel? we feel like -- do you remember the first "superman" movie, christopher reeve? yeah. when he gave up his powers to save lois lane's life and then he was powerless and then he got beat up in a diner... yeah. ...and then he had to get his powers back... yes. come save us from lex luthor? that's what we need from you and your husband. [ cheers and applause ] [ chuckles ] well, there's this thing called the constitution. oh. we've dispensed with that already, haven't we? what is he doing right now? like, right now, what is he doing? my husband? yes. oh, he's probably in his "hole" in our new house.
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in his office? writing. he's working on his book. can i tell you, when i was reading about you mentioning in your book that his office is messy and disorganized... oh, god, yes. gave me license to have a messy and disorganized office because my wife gets upset. was it like that before? oh, it's a disaster, but now i feel like, "well, yeah." yeah. the president. yeah, the president does that, too. i'm good. i'm good. clean up your office. it seems to me -- it's annoying. are you sending a message... i'm here for molly. your husband through me? it's for me? no, get your stuff together. i wish i could. i really do. it appears, based on social media, that you are really following beyoncé around the country, going to her concerts. yes. is that what's happening now? it's an excellent activity, let me tell you. [ laughs ] yeah, yeah. besides your husband and daughters, with which celebrity do you text most often? ooh, um... you know, there's -- i'm not gonna tell you... oh, really? ...because then, you know, it's like you don't text and tell.
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that's not a thing. you just made that up. i started to do that. [ laughs ] it depends on what's going on lately, because oprah kicked off the book tour... right. ...and she was an early reader. i've been doing a lot of texting. gail is a worrier, so a lot of times she'll call, like, "what the...?" oh, really? yeah. yeah. so... okay. oprah and gail. that's pretty solid. oprah and gail, those two. you said barack is working on his book right now. yeah. did you guys ever have a situation where you fight over an anecdote? like, it's like, "i wanted that for my book"? you know, since my book was first, he lost on all of that. so you get first dibs on all that. on all the good stuff. and would it cause a rift in your relationship if oprah doesn't put his book in her book club? because she did it with yours. it might hurt his feelings, but he'll get over it. [ laughter ] the book is number one on amazon. that's got to be an exciting thing for you. i know. that's crazy.
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by a lot, i would imagine. was it fun to write the book? it was more fun than i thought. because here's the thing. rarely does anybody get time, and they get paid to reflect. right. that's true. and reflecting, i find, is very important, because the truth is is that for the last decade, there was no time to even really think about what just happened to us. you know, i write about the fact that, you know, the week would start, something amazing would happen, and then by the end of the week, i would have forgotten all about that other amazing thing. i mean, our days were full. we were just inundated. so, coming out of the white house, you needed that time to take stock and say, "what just happened? what was that?" yeah. and this book allowed me to do that and to really understand what those eight years meant to me, personally, and how it fit into the context of the rest of my life. yeah. so, that was something i needed.
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it was therapeutic for me. and such a big part of your family, your daughters being so young when -- how old were your daughters on the day you started living in the white house? they were 7 and 10, and i hope i get that right, because that's -- yeah. but they lived in the white house longer than they lived in any house that we lived in. your mom moved in, lived there the whole eight years with you. reluctantly, but she stayed. reluctantly. she did stay. she tried to get out. it's like, nope, lock the door. lock her in. and what year did she try to get out? how far in? oh... you know, she felt like by the time she wasn't taking the girls to school every day, they were both in middle school, she thought, "i can go, right?" and i was like, "nope, not yet." "you stay here." "you stay here." so we let her go home in the summer. [ laughter ] it's like, "you can have a summer break, but you got to come back." and i would call her. it's like, "you're coming back, right?" if and when sasha or malia become president of the united states... oh, god. that will never happen. [ laughter ] don't say that. don't say never.
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i can say never with those two. yeah. you would not move in with them, or would you move in with them to help them? i would. you have to now. well, if they had kids. yeah, well, sure. i mean, that's the only -- my mother wasn't helping me. she was helping her grandchildren. got you. i understand. so, yeah. i would, 'cause they would need the help. did bo the white house dog know he was the white house dog? you know, he acted like he did. he's an odd -- he's an odd dog, because -- and barack, you know, he criticizes bo a little bit because he is odd. [ laughs ] he has an aloofness to him. it's almost sort of like, "don't touch me. i am bo. don't you know who i am?" i mean, he would prance around the white house. he had a schedule. both the dogs did. they would get picked up in the morning. an official schedule? yeah, i would do briefing requests for them. they had to get my permission, but i would find, you know, in my briefing book, it would be "can bo and sunny stop by this press event at 2:30?" [ laughs ] no, there would be a time,
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and i had to approve of it. so they'd get picked up, and they'd hang out with the gardeners for the day. and they were very -- like, when they were at home, they were mommy's dogs, but if they were working with the fellas, they would ignore me. it's just sort of like, "ma, don't touch me. i'm at work. i'm busy." one of the most interesting things i learned from your book is that the president, first lady, family, you have to pay for your food while you're in the white house. yeah. go figure. that's crazy to me. well, you know, it is and it isn't. it's crazy because you don't know it and most people don't know what it's like to live in the white house. so, you know, only 45 families have done it. yeah. but truth -- the rent is free, staff is free, you know, we shouldn't be mooching off of the taxpayers. so you're okay with that? yeah, but it's a little shocking because nobody really tells you this stuff and then they let you get whatever you want, like, if you say you want some exotic fruit, "yes, ma'am. we'll get that right away." and then you get the bill for a peach,
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and it's like, that was a $500 peach, you know? i would tell barack, "barack, do not express pleasure for anything until -- unless i know how much it costs." wow. so, they're very responsive at your expense. yeah. so... but i -- in all fairness, it's like the taxpayers shouldn't -- you know, if we want a certain kind of jam or jelly, we should pay for that. yeah, but if you're going smucker's, it should be free. [ laughter ] we're gonna get into other important things that are in this book. the book is called "becoming." michelle obama is here with us. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ boom goes the dynamite, club yoko plays ] ♪ feels like i'm taking flight. ♪ [sfx: poof] [sfx: squeaking eraser sound effect.] ♪ i am who i wanna be ♪ ♪ who i wanna be ♪ who i wanna be. ♪ i'm a strong individual ♪ feeling that power
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hi, there. we're back. lin-manuel miranda is on the way. michelle obama is here. cleto, i do want to say, mrs. obama gave you guys a very nice compliment during the break. [ cheers and applause ] and you mentioned in the book that the first album you ever got, your dad bought you, was stevie wonder. stevie! yes. yes. well, my grandfather, south side. oh, your grandfather. yeah. oh, south side, or was it east side? he was -- it was west side. west side. this was -- me and my brother distinguished between my maternal grandfather and my paternal grandfather. one lived on the south side and one lived on the west side, and he was west side until he moved to the south side and became south side. you can read all about it in my book. [ laughter ] if you -- if you -- if you wanted to get someone in your husband's administration fired, how would you -- [ laughter ] how would you do that? why -- why do you ask?
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[ laughs ] just curious. just wondering if there's somebody that rubbed you the wrong way, would you send them a letter? we had wonderful people in our administration. and you never had a situation like that. not once. not even once. i don't believe that for a second. [ laughter ] but we play a game almost every day here at our show, and then my wife and i play it at home. the game is -- doesn't really have a title, but it's basically called, "what if obama had done this?" oh, god. we play that at home, too. you do? yeah. [ cheers and applause ] that was really my question. do you play that one at home? yeah. quite often. i know you've said repeatedly you will not run for office, but has anyone ever really, like, seriously approached you and tried to convince you to run for office? all the time. like, i mean -- now, i'm sure -- [ cheers and applause ] i'm talking about, like, the head of the committee or barack or hillary or somebody like that.
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no, barack keeps those people away from me. he does. so, yeah. no, no, i've never had any serious conversations with anyone about it, because it's not something that i'm interested in. or would ever do. ever. you said something very interesting, i thought, about your husband in your book is that on high-pressure days... mm-hmm. ...he would be at his most relaxed and he would be the friendliest on those days. why do you think that is? on his busiest days? yeah. because that -- that's what fuels him. he's a grinder, you know? i think -- and, you know, he maybe -- i think he feels most fulfilled when he's full, when his plate is full. i call him a plate spinner, you know, those jugglers that keep spinning those plates and if one is starting to wobble, he spins it, and if everything's going okay, then he'll put another plate up. i think he gets his energy from that. is he doing that at home now, like literally with the china? right. [ laughter ]
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no, he's not. he is not doing that at home. do you have a secret, like, instagram or facebook or page like that? well, if i told you, it wouldn't be a secret. [ laughs ] no, i don't. you don't? i mean, i'm barely good at that stuff anyway. i mean, i have an instagram account and a twitter account, obviously, but, you know, i have to get permission to use it from my staff. i see. they don't trust me with it, so... speaking of permission, in the book, you talked about three kids. one of them was a girl named didi who you fought, she was a bully and you fought her. my first fight, mm-hmm. first fight. then there was a boyfriend you smoked pot with... uh-huh. ...and then there was a boyfriend that you broke up with because his goal, his career goal, was to become a mascot for, like, the cleveland browns or something. right? yes. now, do you call those people beforehand or reach out to them in some way to go, "guess what"?
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no, no. no. no, i did -- and i didn't use last names for that reason, although some people will know who they are. yeah, right. so it's up to them to out themselves. but i did give books to -- send books to everybody with kind of a nice note like, "thank you for helping me become." [ laughs ] okay. did didi get a book? i think so. we're trying to track everybody down, so -- oh, yeah. because these are people -- you know, this was in childhood. this didn't happen yesterday. i wasn't fighting in the backyard. right. this isn't -- yeah. yeah, when i was a little kid, so it takes a second to, like, find everybody. so i'm not sure if everybody's gotten a book, but we tried to get everybody a book. got you. and then if they call and they want to fight again because of -- then pay-per-view. right. [ laughter ] you had to be very careful when you're a first lady. yeah. i spoke to your husband about this also, because he jokes around a lot, but then you realize, like, "oh, i have to maybe reel it in..." yeah. "...because of the position i have." mm-hmm. but you're not first lady anymore. i am not. and as far as i'm concerned,
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you can cut loose and really say anything now, right? yes. so what i've done is i've got a series of cards here. what have you done? i've written some things down and if you are -- you've written some stuff down? yes. if you're game for this... okay. ...maybe, um, here are some things that you could say now that you are -- so, you want me to just look at those cards and just read what you said? don't even look at them. just read what i wrote. yeah. okay. start with that one, alright? and look at the camera right there, so we feel -- which? over here? oh, look at that one. sorry. yeah. okay. yeah. [ laughs ] i've never eaten a vegetable. i knew it. i knew it. here's another one. that's not true. the whole eight years we were in the white house, we used laura bush's netflix password. really? wow. it's a revelation. laura, sorry.
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send me the bills. there you go. [ laughs ] i'm not sure which one's sasha and which one's malia. [ laughter ] you know... [ laughs ] ...they agree. they get so mad every time i mess their names up. i'm like, "who are you?" part of being a parent. the game that sasha plays with me is that when we're with a lot of people, she'll call me, "mom, mom, mom," and, you know, i don't hear, and she's like, "michelle. michelle obama." and i look up, and she's like, "see?" alright. couple more. alright. alright. these are important. i stole the phrase "when they go low, we go high" from the back of a snapple cap. [ laughter ] two more. [ laughs ] barry, be quiet and hold my purse. [ laughter ] and your final outrageous statement to make... he's gonna get -- oh, yeah. that you're no longer first lady. clooney is my freebie.
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[ cheers and applause ] us too. same here. he's all of our freebie. michelle obama, everyone. this is her book, "becoming." it is available now. lin-manuel miranda's on the way. we'll be right back. ♪ boots up as fast as 6 seconds when you're running late?at (whispers) it's switching time or how about a battery that lasts up to 12 hours? order up! now we're cooking. or how about one with virus protection built in? which.... would be helpful.... right... about... now.... yeah, if you want all that, switch to chromebook.
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henry winkler, ben stiller, brad paisley, d'arcy carden, billy eichner, and donald glover. plus music from spoon, max featuring quinn xcii, daniel caesar, and snoop dogg. that's next week on "jimmy kimmel live!" announcer: everyone's talking about kimmel. [ snarls ] oh, my god! ♪ they said he's "the most important host in late night." really? they said he's "late night's clearest voice."
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hi, there. welcome back.
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our next guest is an emmy, tony, and grammy award-winning human being. he wrote that musical everybody loves, and now he stars as jack the lamplighter alongside emily blunt in "mary poppins returns." ♪ ♪ as i live and breathe. "mary poppins returns" opens in theaters december 19th. please welcome lin-manuel miranda! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ how you doing? hello! aah! good to have you here. good to be here. first of all, i want to thank you.
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[ cheers and applause continue ] i do want to thank you first because when the first lady said, "i'd like to be on the show on this night," you were already scheduled and you said, "i will gladly slide over for the first lady." absolutely. and i appreciate that. i serve at the pleasure of the first lady and future president michelle obama. how long have you known -- in fact, do you know she mentions you in the book? she says, "hamilton" is the greatest piece of art she has ever seen, and i think she was including, like, michelangelo and stevie wonder in there, too. that's crazy. yeah, that's pretty good. that's a pretty good compliment as far as they go. yeah, yeah. when did you meet the president and first lady? i met them when i first performed for them in 2009. it was the first time i had performed anything from "hamilton" anywhere. they had asked me to sing something from "in the heights," and i had 16 bars on alexander hamilton. this was in the white house. this was in the white house. they were doing an evening of poetry and spoken word and they invited me.
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is it a good idea to test material at the white house? it worked out okay for me. [ laughing ] it worked out okay. it worked out pretty well. but it was really scary and i also -- i remember thinking, "well, if it doesn't work in this room, i'll just throw it out and i'll try something else." oh, my god. 'cause it was the most mad libs -- you don't understand. the day started with me splitting a van with james earl jones. [ laughs ] that's a weird start to your day. yeah, right. you and darth vader in a van. me and darth vader in a van to the white house, and i remember looking around the room and it was like a mad libs. i mean, it was like spike lee and zach braff and george stephanopoulos. yeah, those three hang out. they're tight. oh, that's a group? they're on a group text. [ laughs ] wow. and -- i just remember thinking, like, if it doesn't play here, like, i'll just -- i'll start something else. oh, wow, gosh. good thing it played. it played well, yeah. and good thing it wasn't a bad day or the president was thinking about, like, bombing osama bin laden at that time or whatever. but he was very good at compartmentalizing.
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so i think he still -- you remember. i see. he did that correspondents dinner while he was doing that. that's right. yeah, but that -- yeah. right. you're right. you're right. so, and well, it worked out quite well, i guess. yes. i think so. are you working on another musical? not another historical musical, no. but another musical? yeah, i always have ideas and it's sort of -- you kind of wait for the right one to raise its hand and say, "ooh, me." i think you have an idea that you might not even realize you have. tell me more. well, you posted something online. i think it was on twitter. you posted some letters... oh, my god. ...that you wrote to your parents when you were a kid. yes. so i was home sick. i had -- i was sick, and i didn't want to get my newborn son sick so i crashed at my parents' house, and my mom is a hoarder, so she has all of the letters i sent home from camp. and i was, like -- i was really a city kid... yeah. sending me to a place without electricity was a very bad idea. these don't reflect well on me. just want you to know that. i think they reflect perfectly well.
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these are letters you mailed your parents. "dear mom and dad, please come and take me back to new york away from this hellhole." [ laughter ] i love the stationery too. "the electricity is malfunctioning, the septic tank is rupturing, the insect repellant isn't working, and..." and it goes on from there. and it rhymes and everything. i think you have something here. "dear family. hi! remember me? i'm the kid you ditched in the woods for a month. you know how we hardly ever go to mass? well, i go every sunday. here's a picture to remind you of me." and then you're jumping off a building. [ laughter ] they don't have buildings at camp. no, they don't have buildings at camp. [ laughs ] "dear mom and dad, how are you? i am, blank, in hell. the weather's been okay. yesterday i realized that my tent was full of morons." i mean, this is really -- and it goes on.
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but this is a wonderful start. it goes on. i had to get out of there. i was not a camp -- do you know how i -- did i -- do you know how i got out of there? no, how did you get out of there? it's even worse than the letters. oh. i faked a spinal injury. [ laughter ] there was a kid who injured his back the day before who got to go home, and i went, "huh." and so i was with a friend, we were outside, and i threw myself on the ground, and i said i couldn't feel my legs. and just burst into tears. i mean, i hope you enjoy "mary poppins," but it is not the greatest performance of my life. the greatest performance of my life was me faking that i couldn't feel my legs, three ambulances took me to the hospital. my parents came and brought me home. they had to have that terrible drive up. cut to a week later, i'm at bellevue getting x-rays. i had to keep the lie up all summer. i limped all summer and just rented movies. it was like, "it still hurts." wow. this is gonna be a smash hit. yeah. [ laughter ]
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i love it already. that's a true story. "mary poppins." "mary poppins." we took our daughter, jane, to go see it, and she loved it and we loved it. i'm so glad. it's exciting to be in "mary poppins," right? i mean... it's pretty thrilling. you probably got offered a million different things. when they offered you "mary poppins," did you immediately know that you wanted to do it? well, i immediately asked who's playing mary poppins. right. and when rob said, "your great friend emily," i said, "i'm in," 'cause she's perfect. right. who would you have reject-- like, if you -- what names would you have said...? everybody else. everybody else. yeah. and you and emily play -- you play a character -- yeah, i play a character named jack. he's a lamplighter, which is a now extinct job, which was to light the lamps pre-electricity every night in london. and keep them clean, yes... keep them clean. ...and do all that stuff that needs to be done with the lamps. yeah, and sing and dance. and sing and dance. and now, did you write any of the songs? no. you did not. yeah. did you want to write any of the songs? no. you didn't? yeah. yeah.
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no, i started writing musicals because i wanted to be in musicals and unless you dance well enough to play bernardo, which i don't, that's it for puerto rican dudes in musical theater. so, i sort of started -- so this feels like the fruits of a lot of hard work to, like, get to play a part and not have to write it. your first major motion picture starring role, as well, right? yeah, it's a big old movie. yeah. have you seen it in a theater with people? i saw it for the first time last week. you did. and? i like it. you like it. yes, i think you will like it, too. it was -- i mean, it was such a joy. like, we just knew we were making this happiness machine, like, that is just gonna make people really happy. it seems like it came, like mary poppins herself, at the exact right time. yeah. although any time during the last two years would have been a good time. right. but it seems to have arrived at an ideal time. it's true. we spent a year in london as brexit was happening, as the election of 2016 and its aftermath was happening. we were making this joy machine. you're being honored by the kennedy center, a kennedy center honor. yeah. that is -- not only is that a huge deal for a career,
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but you are -- and you probably know this -- the youngest person ever honored by the kennedy center. yeah, that's crazy. that's pretty fantastic. who else is being honored with you? there's always a very select group. yeah, well, me and my collaborators on "hamilton," tommy and andy and alex are all being honored with me. we're like the four little hobbits invited to the big sort of celebration. i see. and it's -- and reba mcentire, cher. wow. philip glass. uh-huh. ira glass' cousin. oh, is that right? i didn't know that. yeah, he's ira glass' cousin. oh, gosh. we're learning so many things tonight. yeah. it's really amazing. well, congratulations to you on that and on the movie and on just your life in general. thank you for having me. probably most significantly on getting out of camp. yeah. [ laughter ] lin-manuel miranda, everybody. "mary poppins returns" december 19th. we'll be right back. ♪ fog returning okay, i have to say something.
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see this sweet feature? don't call it a spoiler, cuz it don't spoil a thing. oh look, you don't need to sell me. at carmax, they buy all the cars. that's helpful. this is just taped on for show. they'll still buy it. thank you. would shakespeare have chosen just "some pens?" methinks tul pens would serve m'lady well. thanks. and a unicorn notebook! get everything on your list. this week's doorbuster- 1-inch binders for $1; $1 in store or online from the advisors at office depot officemax.
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alright, well, that's that. i mean, it's -- i want to thank michelle obama, i want to thank lin-manuel miranda. no thanks to that loser matt damon. we ran out of time for him. we are back to work on monday for our special red benefit show with chris rock, bono, will ferrell, kristen bell, snoop dogg, channing tatum, mila kunis, pharrell, and maybe even more. who knows? we'll see you on monday night. "nightline" is next. thanks for watching. good night. [ cheers and applause ] -- captions by vitac -- ♪ ♪ another day, another proposed place for the homeless
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to go. is navigation center the answer to san francisco's homeless


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