tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC October 28, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
dan: for all of us, we appreciate your time. right now on jimmy kimmel, jamie king. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- regina king. lenny clarke. and a special appearance by bill murray. plus music from the kid laroi. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, thank you. welcome. very nice. thanks. hi, i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thanks for watching. thank you for joining us. please relax. i'm happy you're here. i'm kind of happy to see no one's wearing a costume tonight. although there's a guy in a gold gym tank top that may be in
companies towel, i'm not sure. [ cheers ] this is that magical time of year when adults who have no business being in costume get in costume. i am not a halloween kind of guy. you know, i carry myself with a quiet dignity. [ laughter ] like a young sidney poitier. but there are some men, 60-year-old men, who apparently cannot resist. and one of those men is the mayor of new york. bill deblasio got the holiday off to an early start by boldly going where no politician belongs. >> now i'm switching to another important topic, halloween is almost here. and it's time to choose your costume. i've chosen mine. this is my homage to captain kirk. >> jimmy: yeah. only problem is he's dressed as mr. spock. [ laughter ] the blue shirt was spock, captain kirk wore a gold shirt. [ applause ] that you saw right there is vintage bill de blasio. in an effort to ingratiate
himself to a small cotillion of middle-aged nerds who would be excited to learn he's a fellow a fellow trekkie. he winds up looking like a phony to them and a loser to all the rest of us. [ laughter ] >> i want to remind everyone of the prime directive, "live long and prosper -- with candy." >> jimmy: what? [ laughter ] will someone please vulcan nerve pinch this man out of his misery? whoever wrote that hates him, right? [ cheers and applause ] mayor deblasio wasn't our only elected official goofing around in costume today. senator mitt romney came to work dressed as ted lasso. [ laughter ] or super mario, we really don't know which one. [ laughter ] and then, he stopped by fellow republican kyrsten sinema's office. she went dressed as ted's boss, rebecca. he handed her biscuits. they're having so much fun -- while the country dies. [ laughter ] twitter needs a "this made me vomit" button. [ laughter ] president biden will be spending halloween in rome. he's headed to italy for the g-20 summit. joe is scheduled to meet with
pope francis tomorrow. this will be their fourth meeting, but the first one at a hooters. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] hopefully he can get the pope to pray for his infrastructure bill. before biden skipped down this afternoon, the president was in congress trying to hash out a deal between democrats who are squabbling about his "build back better" bill. >> i don't want to punish anyone's success, i'm a capitalist. i want everyone to be able to, if they want to be a millionaire or billionaire, to be able to seek their goal. but all i'm asking is, pay your fair share. pay your fair share. pay your fair share. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. you don't have to be creepy about it. [ laughter and applause ] my god. if he snuck into my room and whispered that in my ear at night, my heart would stop. [ laughter ]
speaking of people who don't pay taxes, the "wall street journal" yesterday published a letter to the editor from a concerned citizen who claims the 2020 election was rigged. i'iv yne who that conc that's right. uncle scam himself, donald trump is going full old, retired guy. he's now writing grumbly op-eds to the paper. he wrote a letter rehashing the repeatedly debunked claims that he won the state of pennsylvania. i hope he's still writing those in 20 years, i really do. [ laughter ] trump is planning to make an appearance at game four of the world series on saturday in atlanta. the braves have gone to great lengths to distance themselves as much as they can. [ laughter ] the ceo of the braves, terry mcgirk, said trump will not be sitting with major league baseball or club officials. he said they're "going to give him his own suite" instead. of course they're giving him a suite, it's not like he'd pay for a suite, they have to give it to him. i wonder if melania will be at the game with him? i wonder if melania is even still in america? [ laughter ]
[ applause ] she's gone, right? [ laughter ] i'm starting tor if existed or it was some kind of weird slow veev vienian fever dream. [ laughter ] meanwhile, if you live in new york, you might want to take a quick look inside your kids' lunchbox. >> a bust on a drug trafficking ring that investigators say brought in cocaine from puerto rico. drug enforcement task force agents say the scheme involved mailing cocaine inside children's lunchboxes. >> jimmy: well. [ laughter ] the scarface lunchbox should have been a red flag. [ laughter ] investigators were tipped off to the scheme when a kid traded his lunch for another kid's father's mercedes. [ laughter ] halloween as you know is on sunday. candy spending in this country is expected to hit a whopping $3 billion this year. so don't tell me america doesn't have enough money for paid family leave.
[ laughter ] we spent $3 billion on snickers. [ applause ] there are a lot of costume no-nos these days. especially when it comes to cultural appropriation. here's how it goes, don't wear a sari if you're not indian, don't go in a kimono if you're not japanese, don't put on dental floss underwear unless you're a kardashian. [ laughter ] use your head. many people are still trying to figure out what they're going to wear. so we reached out to an expert on last-minute costume ideas. and here now with some tips to be the hit of any party, from the hollywood halloween depot, which i think is right down the street, hank colombo. [ cheers and applause ] hi, hank, how are you? >> oh, hey jimmy! i'm beaming in from the hollywood halloween depot! right down here at 6612 hollywood boulevard! >> jimmy: yes, i mentioned that a minute ago. >> where the only thing scarier than the costumes are our low, low prices! >> jimmy: are people scared by low prices?
>> well, i sure am! but that's probably because my father was bludgeoned to death with a waffle iron at a home goods store on black friday. >> jimmy: oh, my god, that's horrible. >> i'm over it. so what can i do ya for? >> jimmy: i was just mentioning that people are still looking for costumes, and i was wondering what kind of stuff you still have in stock. >> well, we sold out of the good stuff, the classics, early. we sold out of the witches and the demonic clowns and the squid gamers and what have you. >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> but there are a few costumes that for some reason are still for sale. >> jimmy: okay, great, like what this? >> well, like this. hey, hey, hey! it's bill cosby! dr. cliff huxtable, america's dad! put your pants on, theo! jell-o, jell-o, jell-o, jell-o. remember that gag? what a gas! >> jimmy: yeah. bill cosby is -- not only has he been canceled, he was in prison
for a while. >> oh no, i hope heat okay. >> jimmy: well, i wouldn't worry about him too much, he did some horrible things, i think, yeah. >> wow. who knew something like that? >> jimmy: yeah, everyone, yeah are. [ laughter ] >> tell you what, how about i mark these bad boys down 50%? will that put a little pudding in your pop? >> jimmy: i'm not sure that's going to -- >> we are located at 6612 hollywood boulevard! >> jimmy: got it, yeah. >> open 'til midnight. at least, that's what i tell the wife! >> jimmy: okay, what else do you have? >> well, i haven't sold a single one of these babies right here. >> jimmy: what is that? >> it's called "pumpkin spice r. kelly." [ laughter ] i thought everyone loved pumpkin spice! >> jimmy: well, people do love pull pin spice, but i don't think pull pin spice is the part of the costume people have the problem with. >> okay, then what's the issue with this one? i think it's like a fat dracula. >> jimmy: no, i think that's rudy giuliani. >> the dildo store guy? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> well, no wonder nobody wants this.
wait just a minute, i've got one more. i got one for you. >> jimmy: whoa! >> nicki minaj's cousin's friend! [ applause ] i got vaccines and i'm fillin' my jeans! >> jimmy: wow, see that? >> come on in we're right down the block from you at 6612 hollywood boulevard! >> jimmy: okay. >> oops, i'm a butter-nuts. oh! >> jimmy: thank you, i appreciate your time, happy halloween. i hope you're able to move that stuff. >> whoa! >> jimmy: hank, why are you -- why are you destroying your shop? [ cheers and applause ] >> 6612 hollywood boulevard! >> jimmy: hank -- there we go -- thank you, hank. we have a great show for you tonight. regina king and lenny clarke are here. [cheers and applause ] we've got music from the kid laroi. and we'll be back to challenge bill murray, so stick around!
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>> jimmy: hey, the show's back on. regina king and lenny clarke are here. bit first, this is a real treat. one of the great actors, comedians, and dare i say poets. a man who taught us that it just doesn't matter because our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. his new movie by wes anderson called "the french dispatch" is in theaters now. from somewhere on the continent, please welcome bill murray. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: oh, wow. wow. bill, are you okay? >> bill. >> yeah, i'm okay. i'm okay.
>> jimmy: what are those on your legs, those things on your legs? [ speaking foreign language ] >> i don't know what the technical term for them is. they're sort of like -- they're not like stockings, they're sort of like -- they're -- they're inflatable leg things. that athletes use. >> jimmy: are you wearing them because you had an injury of some kind? >> yeah, that was -- [ speaking foreign language ] >> yeah, i'm -- >> we don't need the translator in arabic, excuse me. >> jimmy: what -- is that -- wait a minute. you have a -- there's a translator? there's a translator there? with you? why do you have a translator? [ speaking foreign language ] >> uh -- well -- i -- i assumed
that the idea was, what you wanted was to reach as many people as possible. >> jimmy: well -- >> you're seen all over the world now. and rather than dub the questions, i think having them here, it helps people understand in other continents. >> jimmy: i see, i see. but it doesn't seem we're getting the answers in other languages. we're only hearing the questions in other languages. [ laughter ] [ speaking foreign language ] [ speaking foreign language ] [ laughter ] >> well, okay. so -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> i will -- so -- tell jim -- >> uh-huh? >> tell jimmy that, yeah, my -- i've just been feeling tension in my calves and quads. i'm in recovery. this is recovery mode. i do a lot of exercising.
i like to recover. >> jimmy -- [ speaking foreign language ] >> speaking foreign language ]. >> jimmy: you guys really tightened that up, didn't you? [ laughter ] hey, i know that your power went out yesterday. and we were supposed to talk to you last night. you had that big nor'easter there in the area where you live. and i was wondering, i guess everything's okay now? [ speaking foreign language ] [ laughter ] [ speaking foreign language ] >> it's not funny. it wasn't funny. i mean, people were at risk. there were gusts up to 94 miles an hour. >> jimmy: oh. >> it really was -- really that powerful. i mean, there were trees and leaves broken all over the place. and i got up early and started -- because i'm low on
firewood. so i just start people, you know -- i've been out with chainsaws all night. just throwing stuff. throwing stuff, you know. had three. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] bill -- i don't know if you're -- i wonder if you're even aware of that. you have become the center of a lot of people's attention because you did an interview with a german magazine, and you spoke to the interviewer, you seemed to indicate that you just shot a marvel movie and that was the new "ant-man" movie, and nobody knew that you were in the "ant-man" movie, now it seems that you were in the "ant-man" movie. i guess my question is, are you in the "ant-man" movie? [ laughter ] >> ant-man movie? [ speaking foreign language ] >> is that what he said? well, i'm not supposed to -- i'm
not supposed to say. they're making a movie. >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> paul rudd plays ant-man. >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> there's an aunt evangeline lilly, plays the wasp. michael douglas, i forget what his name is in the movie, michelle pfeiffer, they're in the movie, but i'm not at liberty to talk about it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, i understand. >> we can talk about it when we're there. >> jimmy: you can't tell them. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: you can only tell foreigners about it is the way to go. >> everything's closed. i mean -- what -- you two agree on a place. >> jimmy: the director of that movie, payton reid, he maybe tipped it a little bit earlier in the year. on twitter, he mentioned, and i didn't know this, that you in 1975, you actually entered the
marvel universe. you provided the voice of johnny storm, the human torch in a fantastic four radio series. >> that's true. >> jimmy: we have a clip here. >> there's only one thing i like better than working on cars. >> what's that? >> hey, look! what's that in the sky? >> that's my cue, flame on. >> hey, johnny, what's happening to you? >> remember me saying there's only one thing i like better than working on cars? well, this is it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: do you remember doing that? >> all i remember is saying -- [ speaking foreign language ] [ speaking foreign language ] >> flame on! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "the french dispatch." how many wes anderson movies have you done? i know more than any actor. do you know how many you've done? [ speaking foreign language ]
[ speaking foreign language ] >> nine. >> jimmy: nine, okay. and then there's one that hasn't come out yet, right? so that would make ten? [ speaking foreign language ] [ speaking foreign language ] >> yeah, but that hasn't come out yet. >> jimmy: yeah. >> the one that was just completed. so i guess that will be ten, yeah. >> jimmy: the only one that you weren't in is "bottle rocket" which was his first movie. did you see that movie and think, oh, yeah, i would love to work with this guy? [ speaking foreign language ] [ speaking foreign language ] >> never seen it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: never saw that one, huh? how about that. well, it's good. you should see it. [ speaking foreign language ] [ speaking foreign language ] >> yeah, i got a lot of catching up to do. a lot of catching up.
>> jimmy: i want to ask you one and i'm interested to hear how this will be translated. is it true that you -- and i know a lot of the questions that you're asked start with "is it true." is it true that you barged in on david letterman during his doctor's appointment? [ speaking foreign language ] [ speaking foreign language ] >> well, i just -- i was sort of listening at the door. i heard him say, "yeah, i might want to get a second opinion." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: well, that is true. well, i have no idea why this is still funny, but it is. [ laughter ] [ speaking foreign language ] >> speaking foreig language ]. >> okay, yeah. they don't either, i don't think. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, bill, thanks for being with us. i hope to see you in person next
time. the movie is called "the french dispatch." it is in theaters now. the great bill murray and friends, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] thanks, bill. we'll be back with regina king! good morning! maria! getting that fiber in. nice! ah, the miller's. rising and shining! that's a bright idea. with high fiber and plump juicy raisins kellogg's raisin bran
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then later, his current installment of music is called "over you." the kid laroi from the mercedes bens stage. [ cheers and applause ] next week -- who's on the show? oh, wow, we've got quite a week. tom hanks, dwayne johnson, gal gadot, tessa thompson, serena williams, mark rober and mr. beast, and we will have music from lainey wilson and j. balvin. so please join us for all that. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest is an oscar and emmy-winning actor with more talent in one perfect eyelash than most people have in their whole families. she stars alongside idris elba in the western "the harder they fall." >> where's rufus buck? >> oh -- oh. if i'd known you were switching sides i'd have asked you to come join us. you here for your damsel in distress?
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the harder they fall" is in select theaters now and at home on netflix starting wednesday. please welcome regina king. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: you're very beautiful, you look fantastic. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: how are you? >> i am well. >> jimmy: earlier today you got one of the -- i mean, maybe the top honor an actor can receive here in hollywood. you were -- you had your hands and feet -- [ cheers and applause ] impressed in cement at the chinese theater across the street. there you are. by the way, i am so pleased that you took off your shoes. because everybody --
>> it's a hand and footprint. >> jimmy: they're not foot prints -- >> if they're shoe prints. >> jimmy: that's right, you did the right thing. >> i'm glad you saw it that way. >> jimmy: i did see it that way. actually, i pester people to do it and no one listens to me. >> well, you know -- like minds. >> jimmy: like minds, that's right. what was with the cement on the feet? do you have a cement -- >> they put -- they bring you a towel, you wipe your feet. >> jimmy: by yourself? oh my gosh. >> no, no. >> jimmy: wow, the stars really are just like us. [ laughter ] >> no, they're not. >> jimmy: no, they're not, yeah. [ laughter ] i like what you wrote on the -- can we look at that message again? you wrote, there's no place like home. >> yes. >> jimmy: is that because you're a "wizard of oz" fan? or you just wanted to leave? >> that would be a no. it's because i'm born and bred in l.a. [ cheers and applause ]
and the first thing that i'd done that introduced me as an artist to this world was "227" and the theme song was "no place like home." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: because of that, how about that, wow. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's interesting. who did you write to the ceremony with you? >> i brought my whole family. my mother, my uncle, my sisters. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nice. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: did they cry? >> all of my reps. i've had the same reps for 25 years. >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah. >> jimmy: were tears -- >> one of the few. >> jimmy: were tears shed at this event? >> oh, wow. >> jimmy: they were, yes. >> yes, they were. they were. it was really -- it was surreal in a lot of ways. it was emotional. you know, i've worked hard. >> jimmy: yeah. >> to be at that moment. >> jimmy: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] congratulations. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and then you go -- do you dress up for halloween? is this something that you participate in? >> i love halloween. >> jimmy: you love halloween.p
all actors love halloween. >> i loves my favorite holiday. i know it's not a holiday but i think it should be. it should be an official holiday. >> jimmy: because you don't get the day off. well, it's a holiday, you just don't get -- yeah. >> holiday means day off. >> jimmy: what will you dress up -- have you picked a costume? >> no, i haven't. >> jimmy: you have not? >> i have not, i have not. i have not picked a costume. but you know what, i've got to tell you. my son is grown now. >> jimmy: yeah? >> so i don't feel like i do as much as i used to do as far as costumes and picking my costume pand helping him with his costume. now i am the trick-or-treat giver. [ laughter ] you know what i mean? >> jimmy: what do you give out to trick-or-treaters? >> well. it's funny. because this is -- this is interesting. i thought a couple of years ago that water would be a cool trick. [ laughter ]
on the kids for halloween. you know? because it's trick or treat, you know? open the door," trick-or-treat!" my trick to you, water! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: a bottle of water, not squirting them with a hose? >> no, a bottle of water. kids came back for more water. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really? kids wanted water? >> they wanted the water. they were like, you're the lady with the water! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: my kids would be mad if you gave them water. nobody was mad? >> no one was mad. i think after, you know, so many snickers and skittles and -- they were like, i need that water! >> jimmy: wow. if i was a kid, i came to the house, you handed me a bottle of water, i'd be like, how do you want to do this, do you want me to throw eggs at the house now or should i come back later? [ laughter ] >> tp your house later when you're asleep. >> jimmy: what a terrible gift that is to give the children. [ laughter ] i mean, what a thoughtful idea. >> i thought it was a trick, i id.i thought it was a trick, i i did think it was a terrible gift. i thought i was going to have a bunch of water left over later,
i had no water. >> jimmy: no water, wow. >> i had to get the big water, kids were coming back. >> jimmy: is that right? that's a good tip. are you going to do that again? >> hm. >> jimmy: maybe hand out ice cubes this year. [ laughter ] put this in a bag and later it will be water! >> see how long you can keep it! >> jimmy: i want to ask about something you did in this movie. you did something that i felt was very impressive. you peeled an apple with a knife in one shot. in one long piece. >> yeah. >> jimmy: is that something you knew how to do before? was it a skill you had? >> that would be a no. and the funny thing about it is, james samuel, he's the writer/director of the film, apparently, that wasn't written in the script. but when i read it, that's how i received it. that it should be in one full peel. so i asked the google. [ laughter ] that sent me to the youtube. and i learned how to peel the apple.
and i made many apple crumbles. >> jimmy: can you still do it, do you think? [ cheers ] we have an apple. we have a knife. [ cheers and applause ] is this a skill that you retained? what a weird thing to cheer for. if you care to, you could give it a whirl, why don't you? >> you would have the apple there waiting. >> jimmy: yeah, just in case i need a snack, i keep a bunch under the desk. >> oh my goodness. i'll give it a whirl. >> jimmy: all right, yeah. >> all right. i haven't done this in over a year. >> jimmy: okay. good, all right. >> geez. okay. >> jimmy: so you core -- >> see how this works out. >> jimmy: core it first? >> take out the top area first. that's what the google said. [ laughter ] ♪ >> it's going to be a minute, talk about some things. >> tell us about the movie while you do that. >> yeah, well -- the film as you know, "the harder they fall." >> jimmy: uh-huh? [ cheers and applause ]
>> and it is a film -- it's a western. and it is -- the thing that's really fascinating about the film is that -- i have a long monologue when i do this. >> jimmy: uh-huh snfrkts the thing that's really fascinating about the film is we all play real-life characters. these people really existed. >> jimmy: right. >> and the thing that's very cool is that james found a way to bring this -- oh. it broke. >> jimmy: oh, it did? [ cheers and applause ] well, you know what? >> gosh darn it. jimmy, one more. you got another? >> jimmy: how about this? [ cheers and applause ] do a pineapple instead. >> so -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: if you want to see regina peel an an bell in one perfect piece, go see the movie. >> "the harder they fall." >> jimmy: it's in select theaters now, on netflix starting wednesday.
[ cheers and applause ] if you're thirsty, stop by regina's house on halloween. [ laughter ] we'll be back with lenny clarke. regina king, everyone! start your day with crest 3d white and from mochaccinos to merlot, your smile will always be brilliant. crest 3d white brilliance. 100% stain removal, 24 hour stain resistance to lock in your whitest smile. crest. the #1 toothpaste brand in america. some carriers will give you just one measly some carriers will give you just one measly
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are to ikea. he stars alongside jamie lee curtis in the latest michael myers movie, "halloween kills," which is in theaters and on peacock now, please welcome lenny clarke. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how handsome you look. >> thank you. it's the makeup, jim. >> jimmy: no, no. >> i tell you, because i would do me, i really would. [ laughter ] i was with the makeup girls, i said, wow, i would love to have them come -- when you go out of the house in the morning do you have your makeup done? >> jimmy: i don't do makeup, i know. it is funny, i wear makeup on tv. therapy when i'm out in the wild people are like, "are you okay? you look tired." [ laughter ] >> this guy came up to me, said, are you wearing makeup? i said, yes, aren't you?
come on, i want to look good, this is great. >> jimmy: it's not a spoiler, i can say this you get killed in this movie. >> yeah everyone gets killed! [ laughter ] those guys are bad. we had so much fun. i've never had so much fun getting killed in my life. [ laughter ] everyone killed, killed, killed. it's unbelievable. >> jimmy: did you know going in? was that the plan? it's a yeah halloween" movie, but did you know you were going to be a victim? >> david says, lenny, we want you to fight with michael myers like he's never had. really? yeah, like a real battle, that there's a chance you could finish him off. really? so i trained, i worked out at the gym, working out with gronk and everything. [ laughter ] i get down there and they go, "nah, we're not going to do that, we're just going to kill you." >> jimmy: really? >> but it was good. >> jimmy: you had to get sweaty with gronk for no reason? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: have you friend he with gronk? >> yeah, i hurt my back and he
gave me some of that cbd stuff? [ laughter ] hey, it works. >> jimmy: you would go to patriots game s if you know gronk. >> yep. >> jimmy: are you upset that he and tom brady, both of them -- >> i'm friends with robert kraft, friends with bill belichick, i'm friends with tom and gronk. but see, when i was growing up in boston, i would be friends with a lot of the players on all the sports teams. you know, we'd go out, drink, have fun. they'd get traded or retire. but now i'm friends with the owners. they never leave. [ laughter ] i get better seats. i enjoy, i enjoy. >> jimmy: you do, yeah. >> i mean, i miss tom. i had dinner with tom and his wife, me and my wife. i said, tom, what was that jacket? he's a sharp dresser. he said what jacket? you were getting out of a helicopter. he said, what commercial? i said, how many commercials? he said, you like that jacket? two, three weeks later, he sent it to my house. i walk into denis leary's office with my tom brady jacket. he goes, that's the most
beautiful jacket, i said, yeah, that's right, that's from tom brady. he said, that's tom ford. i go, what's that mean? he's like, it's like four grand. i'll never wear it in the rain again. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow, you're really friendly. do you speak to the team? >> oh, god, yeah. oh my -- one time -- owner of wn the boston red sox. >> jimmy: yeah. >> calls me. would you come by the ballpark? i have a friend that's dying to meet you. okay, can i bring my wife? they're playing the yankees, yeah. we go in, we're in his booth, he's got but letters and servants and waiters. i mean, the food. i don't know what it is but it was delicious. [ laughter ] third inning, we're beating the yankees 7-4. he says, lenny, meet steve martin. steve martin? oh my god! he goes, i had to meet you, i wait, you're fantastic. e pne ring
s,itsha the coach? he said, yeah, answer the phone, take the call. i said, lenny, it's bill. what's up? i need you to do me a favor. could you speak to the team? i said, yeah, sure, whatever you want, i'm busy right now. he said, i don't think you understand, now. now? i'm at fenway park in the owner easily booth with steve martin fawning over me. [ laughter ] and you want me to go speak to the team? he says, well, you know. you never let me down before. i go, how did you know where i was? he says, i know everything. i said, where do i got to go? he says, there's a car waiting behind home plate. how did you know i'd say yes? you never let me down. i get in the car, my wife takes the truck home. i drive down to the stadium. on nfl games, they usually are home with the families. not this week. spygate. sequestered with the team. i go in, i see the assistant videoing, i said, give me that. bill says, come on. we go into a team meeting. in a room. they look the doors.
i go, oh my god, i'm in a team meeting! he starts screaming, yelling at brady. oh my god, he's yelling at tom brady! this is wild! [ laughter ] he goes, i have a friend, we've had a rough week, media all over us, a guy wants to lighten it up. i get up and i say -- they say a picture is worth a thousand words. evidently this is worth $250,000. where's the idiot that didn't hit delete? who got you the job, your uncle? this little kid in the back goes, yes, mr. clarke. they didn't fire you? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did they win the game? >> they won the game and i got the game ball. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you did, wow. >> yeah. >> jimmy: was steve martin bummed that you ditched him? >> he sent me his autograph book. they told me to go. i would have never went. i love bill, but steve martin. >> jimmy: yeah, choosing between bill belichick and steve martin, you made the wrong choice. >> i did. i picked against merv griffin but that was a long story. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how were you tefeelin?
you had a near-death experience. >> jimmy, you're terrific. for those who don't know, i was a big fat bastard. [ laughter ] 388 pounds. and i lost 200 pounds. working out. all the right things. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. thank you. yeah. so i'm in the best shape of my life. i'm riding for m.s., my sisters have m.s. i don't do drugs, i don't drink anymore. i had a stroke. i had a stroke out of nowhere. i get up, my hand was asleep. so i made a cup of coffee. my hand was asleep. come on, what? i turned on the computer. everything was messed around. i calleded a friend. am i making sense to you? he said, less than normal, lenny. i go, okay. i take an aspirin. i get in the car. i drive myself to the hospital. [ laughter ] they said, you're having a stroke. they put me in a wheelchair, wheel me into a room, shoot some
amazing thing, i got my speech back. lenny, you're having a stroke. what do i do, go and lie down? i've got so [ bleep ]. they said, no, outbound helicopter coming in, 15 minutes. oh my god. in comes this 6'4" brunette amazon nurse named heidi. i'm going, oh. hello, mr. clarke. hello, heidi. [ laughter ] have you been in a helicopter before? yeah, i've done uso tours, i've been in all sorts of helicopters. but i've never been strapped into a gurney. i've never been strapped into anything without a safe word, you know? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what is your safe word? by the way. >> matt damon. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: from boston, okay. >> so they're wheeling me out of the hospital. and people are, lenny, can i have a autograph? i'm strapped in! take a selfie. [ laughter ] when i was really fat i would have never fit in this helicopter. >> get in. now they're tying stuff on me.
wn've got to chew through these things to save heidi. [ laughter ] that's what you think about when you're about to die. as we get up to the mass general hospital, chopper's spinning out of control, only five feet off the deck. i'm like, turn the key off! i don't want to fall off the building. boom, we hit. he turned, lenny, it's me, freddie, i used to fly you when i flew helicopters for ernie bosh! it never ends. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank god, you're a national treasure. not just a local treasure in the new england area. [ applause ] lenny clarke, "halloween kills" in theaters and on peacock. be back with the kid laroi! there's a different way to treat hiv. it's once-monthly injectable cabenuva. cabenuva is the only once-a-month, complete hiv treatment for adults who are undetectable. cabenuva helps keep me undetectable. it's two injections, given by a healthcare provider once a month.
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♪ i do the i do i do the i do ♪ ♪ i do the same thing i told you that i never would ♪ ♪ i told you i'd change even when i knew i never could ♪ ♪ i know that i can't find nobody else as good as you ♪ ♪ i need you to stay need you to stay hey oh ♪ ♪ i get drunk wake up i'm wasted still ♪ ♪ i realize the time that i wasted here i feel like you can't feel the way i feel ♪ ♪ oh i'll be up if you can't be right here ♪ ♪ oh ooh-woah oh ooh-woah ooh-woah oh ooh-woah oh ooh-woah ooh-woah ♪ ♪ oh i'll be messed up if you can't be right here ♪ ♪ i do the same thing i told you that i never would ♪ ♪ i told you i'd change
even when i knew i never could ♪ ♪ i know that i can't find nobody else as good as you ♪ ♪ i need you to stay oh oh ♪ because i do the i do i do the i do i do the i do ♪ ♪ i need you to stay because when i'm awake i miss you ♪ ♪ you're the reason i believe in love ♪ ♪ and it's been difficult for me to trust ♪ ♪ and i'm afraid that i'll -- it up ♪ ♪ ain't no way i can leave you stranded ♪ ♪ you ain't never left me empty-handed ♪ ♪ you know that i know it i can't live without you ♪ ♪ so baby stay hey hey ♪ ♪ oh ooh-woah oh ooh-woah ooh-woah
okay i'll be messed up ♪ ♪ i do the same thing i told you that i never would ♪ ♪ i told you i'd change♪he ♪ inow thatse as good as you ♪ ♪ yot same thing ♪ i do the same thing i told you that i never would ♪ ♪ i told you i'd change even when i knew i never could ♪ ♪ i need you to stay need you to stay hey ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
i drop off and pick up my kids from school so, i can't work early. or late. and i need to make enough to make it worthwhile. i can only work two days a week. and it can't interfere with my other job. i can do full-time. just not daytime. and i need benefits. good ones. and you know, it would be nice if you paid for my tuition. like all of it. ♪ ♪
tonight -- >> if there's a spill here, anywhere near here, it's going to affect all of those rice lakes. >> an oil pipeline cutting through tribal lands. inside one of the most controversial environmental battles in our country. >> president biden, where the [ bleep ] are you at? >> we shouldn't have to do this to protect the water. to protect our people. >> indigenous communities faced with tough choices. >> my reservation came to an agreement with ambridge. >> why some scientists are sounding the alarm. >> climate scientists say, leave the tar sands in the ground,