Skip to main content

tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  May 2, 2022 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

11:35 pm
of us here, we appreciate your time. right now on jimmy kimmel, bill >> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- bill hader, mo amer, and music from sasha alex sloan. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us here in sunny -- hot and sunny california. boy, oh boy. i have to admit, i'm tired.
11:36 pm
i don't like to admit it as i know it makes me vulnerable. one of you could have tagged me and get this spot. i got home late last night. i got home at 3:00 a.m. we were in washington this weekend presenting the mark twain prize to jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ] who is a national treasure. it was a lot of fun. but a lot of people there were worried i might get locked up being in the same town as the klan mom, marjorie taylor greene. [ laughter ] who you may know reported me to the capitol police last week. i actually met some of the capitol police. i think i'm going to be okay. there was no a.p.b. put out. [ laughter ] i was able to walk around freely in the city. but marjorie is busy getting sued by a group of her constituents in georgia who believe she is ineligible to run for re-election because of her role in the attack on january 6th. according to the 14th amendment, anyone who takes part in insurrection or rebellion is barred from holding office. so the green goblin had to testify under oath for almost four hours where she played even dumber than she actually is.
11:37 pm
[ laughter ] >> you think speaker pelosi is a traitor to the country, right? >> i'm not answering that question. it's speculation. >> you've said that, haven't you, miss greene, that she's a traitor to the country? >> no, i haven't said that. >> put up plaintiff's exhibit 5, please. >> oh, no, wait. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes, i may have spray-painted that on her car. i didn't realize there would be exhibits. is this a court or i amuseum? [ laughter ] she had a hard time remembering a line she lifted from the movie. >> the last thing you say in the video is, "we aren't a people that are going to go quietly into the night." do you recall that part? >> yes. >> that phrase, "we aren't a people that are going to go quietly into the night," that's not something you came up with on your own, is it? >> i have no idea what you mean. >> well, that's something that
11:38 pm
you borrowed from a movie script, right? >> i don't know what you're talking about. >> you borrowed that line from the movie "independence day," right? [ laughter ] >> no. >> let's go to the videotape as well. >> jimmy: and then they did. of course, she quoted "independence day." to her that's a history book. [ laughter ] when perjury -- i mean marjorie was asked if she considered participating in the riot herself, she said it was on her calendar, but she was too busy preparing her case against the electoral college vote totals to go. which is like saying i would have been at the wedding, i was too busy burning down the church. [ laughter ] she conveniently failed to recall a great deal of what she said. fear not. big pharma is hard at work to make sure she never forgets the thing she didn't actually forget again. >> did you advocate to president trump to impose martial law as a way to remain in power? >> i don't recall. >> you're not denying you did it. you just don't remember? >> i don't remember. >> are you or a loved one
11:39 pm
struggling to remember whether you incited a deadly insurrection? >> i do not recall. i have no idea. >> i don't know that. >> have you forgotten whose executions you've called for? >> i just don't remember. >> i don't recall. >> have you left the house and forgotten to turn off your jewish space laser? >> no, i do not remember that. >> do you find yourself getting confused or lost? >> okay, i think we're going to have to ask for directions. >> now there's help. treasonel. treasonel treats memory loss by patching up holes in the brain caused by overexertion. call a chiropractor if you wait longer than four hours for jfk, jr., to come back from the dead. treasonel. get back to destroying your country with confidene. from the makers of nay-sanex, horse medication for people. >> available at walgreens. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i hope it hepds helps. i really do.
11:40 pm
you know, the state of new york is finally getting tough on donald trump. this morning a judge is holding trump in civil contempt for his refusal to comply with the attorney general. until he testified he'll be fined $10,000 a day. get ready for an email offer to join the president's exclusive gold medal diamond platinum plus extra secret round table. can we tell the president you're with us? [ laughter ] in the meantime, we're learning a lot more about what happened at the white house in the days leading up to january 6 thanks to a treasure trove of text messages from trump chief of staff mark meadows. cnn was able to get more than 2,000 of these text messages he turned over to the house select committee. there are texts from panicked lawmakers trying to reach meadows while the capitol was being stormed. most of them revolve around the same theme. which was help, these crazy people we told to attack the capitol are attacking the capitol. [ laughter ] but the list of those who texted meadows includes ted cruz, marjorie taylor greene, sean hannity, jared, ivanka, don jr., nothing from eric. apparently, eric still isn't
11:41 pm
allowed to have a cell phone. [ laughter ] ivanka sent a note to a group is that included meadows, her husband jared, and hope hicks. that said "you are all warriors of epic proportions. keep the faith and the fight." and then she moved to an island never to be seen or heard from again. [ laughter ] donald trump, jr., texted mark meadows on january 6th urging his father to end the attack. he wrote, "this is one you go to the mattresses on. they will try to f his entire legacy on this if it gets worse. please tell him, he won't take my calls, mark." [ laughter ] but maybe the best was this text from mypillow mike lindell that is 1 million characters long. [ laughter ] like the text version of a cvs receipt. [ laughter ] do you think mark meadows even read this? this is the kind of thing you just thumb up and move on. we have texts from mark meadows. and over the weekend house minority leader kevin mccarthy got caught in a big lie, one that could get his mar-a-lago membership revoked.
11:42 pm
he's been one of the big trump apologists. but on january 10th of 2021 he told his fellow house republicans that he would tell trump he should resign. >> again, the only discussion i would have with him is i think this will pass and it would be my recommendation he should resign. >> jimmy: now, that's the opposite of what he's been saying. he called a previous report he told fellow gop leaders he would urge trump to resign totally false and wrong. this is another thing he said on tape on january 10th. >> all right, i know this is not fun. i know this is not great. i know it's very tough, but yet i wanted you especially through here, is i don't want to rush things. i want everybody to have all the information needed. i've had it with this guy. what he did is unacceptable. nobody can defend that and nobody should defend it. >> jimmy: that's right. but then three weeks later
11:43 pm
trump's prison bitch was back for the free cigarettes. [ cheers and applause ] an altoid lasts longer than kevin mccarthy's convictions. and yet other than adam kinzinger no one in his party had anything to say about this. i'm sure they're waiting for the right moment. elon musk bought twitter today, did you hear that? $44 billion. said he wants to transform twitter as a platform for free speech around the globe. yeah, that's the problem with twitter. no one can say what they think. they're holding back. [ laughter ] even though elon likely will likely let trump back on, trump says he won't get back on, which is definitely a lie. he'll be right back. he's got a lot of money riding on this truth social disaster he got a lot of dollars for and then abandoned. he hasn't posted there since the day it launched 2 1/2 months ago. he posted one time, that was it, but he did give a truth social kind of a plug at a rally he had in ohio this weekend. >> they conspired to ban me from every social media platform
11:44 pm
because of this digital tyranny we had to give the american people their voice back by building something called troth -- truthsential. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: trothsential is a character on the mandalorian i think. let's try that again, donald. >> truth social. >> jimmy: that's much better. that is the name of his latest failure. trump lies so much he can't even say the word "truth" anymore. [ laughter ] these rallies he has, they seem to be i'll realizing the same characters following him around the country. we've definitely seen some of them before. >> i remember a couple weeks ago this gentleman was criticized for having too many hats on his head. our good friend jimmy kimmel called you out. >> jimmy kimmel made fun of me for having three hats. well, now i have two hots because inflation is getting high. i only can afford two hats this rally, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: yeah. i think that counted up to three. i know you don't like me.
11:45 pm
i made fun of you. but will you please send me that jimmy kimmel sucks hat? i really like it. [ cheers and applause ] maybe this is the thing that brings us all together. and that guy, by the way, wasn't even close to the biggest nut in the trail mix at this rally. that honor went to this young lady who put even the usually relaxed when it comes to facts rsbn news team to the test. >> you think princess diana's still alive? >> absolutely, 100%. do you? >> i didn't, but maybe you have something that you know that i don't know. >> well, you know god speaks to us, right? there's ways that we can figure these things out. so if people start learning abc, 1, 2, 3, which michael jackson talked about how many years aquo, right? he sung about. so when people start understanding gematria, they start understanding the numbers, a equals 1, b equals 2, c equals 3. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: these new florida math
11:46 pm
textbooks are a mess. [ cheers and applause ] i am glad to hear princess di is still alive. so a equals 1, b equals 2, and c equals 3? i don't know, we may need to get some navajos to break the code. [ laughter ] by the way, when he recorded the song "abc" michael jackson was 11 years old. only the best people. i also want to mention trump's much-hyped interview with the former er "celebrity apprentic contestant piers morgan. last week he claimed in his teaser that the interview got so heated trump stormed out, which made his nipples very rock hard. [ laughter ] and they had it out because trumplethinskin couldn't handle the truth about the election which he lost, which morgan confronted him about. he was also asked if he were the queen of england, would he strip harry and meghan of their royal titles? trump liked that. he said there's not a fan of meghan markle. although there's a 100% chance he doesn't know the difference
11:47 pm
between meghan markle and angela merkel. [ laughter ] it was a feisty exchange between trump and a gentleman he thought would be completely on his side. and in many ways it was a revealing interview as well. >> frank sinatra said the best revenge is massive success. isn't your best revenge rather than talking constantly about the last -- >> i don't talk constantly, but you brought it up. you brought it up. >> come on. >> excuse me. you brought it up. i don't talk about it very much. >> we have a good show for you tonight. [ laughter ] you know -- i've not seen this many people cover their eyes before. [ laughter ] mo amer is here with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and we've got music from sasha alex sloan. and when we come back, we'll be right back with barry himself, bill hader. so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by subaru.
11:48 pm
11:49 pm
11:50 pm
11:51 pm
♪ girl you know it's been way too long ♪ ♪ i got to get back in my zone ♪ ♪ ooh wee ♪ ♪ hey ♪ ♪ hey ♪ ♪ alright ♪ ♪ come on ♪ ♪ come on ♪ ♪ 3... 2... 1... ♪ ♪ you know i'm feeling too good to be cooped up ♪ [ music stops ] ♪ hey ladies, don't we look good? ♪ ♪ we came to have a good time baby ♪ ♪ said i'm feeling too good to be cooped up ♪ ♪ me and all of my girls gonna tear it up ♪
11:52 pm
>> jimmy: hi. welcome back. tonight, he has a netflix comedy special called "mohammed in texas." mo amer is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, this is her forthcoming album "i blame the world," it comes out may 13th. sasha alex sloan from the mercedes eq stage. you can see sasha on tour starting july 21st in minneapolis, minnesota. tomorrow night, rebel wilson and randy rainbow will be here with music from lawrence. please join us for all that. after a torturous two year and 11 month wait, television's most well-mannered assassin is back and emotionally burdened. you can see new episodes of "barry" sunday nights on hbo and hbo max. please say hello to bill hader! [ cheers and applause ]
11:53 pm
♪ very good to see you. >> good to see you, man. >> jimmy: it was good to see you on television as well. >> oh, man. thank you so much. >> jimmy: you know i've been anxiously waiting for this. >> yeah. we all have. we were like a week away from shooting when the pandemic happened, so yeah. we've been waiting very long. >> jimmy: a week away from shooting you had to stop and you have all these scripts. what do you do, you just skip >> we wrote a little of season 4 and then went back and rewrote a bunch of season 3 and -- >> jimmy: did you? >> yeah. it was pretty cool. >> jimmy: did you give any thought to rewriting season 2 and season 1 as well? [ laughter ] >> we tried to do the george lucas thing and it didn't fly. we tried to go back. yeah. >> jimmy: were the writers annoyed when you said hey, since
11:54 pm
we've got time we're going to rewrite were we already did? [ laughter ] >> you're just saying were the writers annoyed? yes. >> jimmy: wow. did you have to work out to get back in shape? [ laughter ] you look pretty good. >> i had a trailer kim walbower. she works with me, she's amazing and i immediately blow it. she's like, you have to keep moving after this. you can't just go straight to the couch and lay down. [ laughter ] and eat cookies and watch true crime shows and basketball. she's like than kind of undoes what we just did. and i don't understand. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: are your daughters aware now of "barry" and what goes on and your character? how old are they now? >> i have three daughters. yeah, 12, 8 and 7 -- no, sorry, 9 and 7. ooh boy, 12, 9 and 7. i always know when we pass, there's billboards all over l.a.
11:55 pm
and i always know when we -- a bus will pull up with my face on the side of it. because in the back they all go "ew!" "gross! that guy sucks!" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's got to be weird. >> i mean, i'm like, all right. you guys are the boss. >> jimmy: it would be funny if your dad showed up on a bus one day. >> bill, sr. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: do your daughters still think i'm a sweatshirt manufacturer? >> yes. so whp when you do jimmy -- when you're a guest on the show you get a sweatshirt. and i have -- i've been on the show a couple of times. so i have these sweatshirts at home. i sent jimmy a picture of my daughter, when can we go to the jimmy kimmel store and get jimmy kimmel sweatshirts? like they thought it was a brand. like those abercrombie & fitch
11:56 pm
ads of like hot dudes with jimmy kimmel sweatshirts. like chasing a dog down the beach. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how are the kids doing? >> they're good. >> jimmy: you tell me funny stories about them. >> yeah. so, so, yeah. okay. so i was eating dinner with my daughters. >> jimmy: um-hmm. >> all three of them. we're eating dinner. and you know, you live in l.a., sometimes other celebrities walk in. and chris pratt came in -- >> jimmy: to your house? >> no, at dinner. [ laughter ] he does show up to my house sometimes. i will have celebrities, just random celebrities show up. and it's fun. no, but, yeah. so chris pratt, we were at a restaurant. i go, guys, don't freak out, but "guardians of the galaxy." you know? my daughters are like, oh, my god. and then the 9-year-old, who was 8 at the time, was like, i know his son. and i go, really? she's like, yes, i know his son.
11:57 pm
can i go over there and say hi? and i was like no, he's eating. just leave him alone, please. so we eat, finish, pay. she goes, dad -- we're like walking out. can i please go over and say hi, please? so i feel terrible. we walk over there. i tap him on the shoulder, hey, chris, bill hader, "saturday night live." [ laughter ] uh, uh, yeah. that guy. [ cheers and applause ] and, and i'm like, "barry." no? [ laughter ] "skeleton" -- no? well, "skeleton twins was a small movie." anyway, so i walk over, i go, hey, chris. sorry, but my daughter knows your son. and my daughter goes, "i don't know his son. you wanted to meet chris pratt." [ laughter ]
11:58 pm
[ applause ] >> jimmy: wow. >> and chris pratt's like this. [ laughter ] and then my daughters descend on his wife. they're like, are you a princess? they're like touching her face. and -- [ laughter ] and i'm going like -- and i wanted to strangle her, but i was also never more proud of a kid in my life. i go, why did you do that? and she was like, i don't know. and i was like, you're going to make me so much money. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she's a criminal mastermind. >> but that's like -- that's like a solid burn. >> jimmy: that's like, just like what rickles did -- >> to sinatra. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i was in my head going, did she see somehow -- did disney plus animate that bit or something?
11:59 pm
because i was like, how did you know to do that? >> jimmy: maybe your daughter is the reincarnation of don rickles. wouldn't that be something special? >> waking me up like, pick me up from school, hockey puck. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: henry winkler was here like 2 1/2 weeks ago. we were talking about "barry." and he said in this "hollywood reporter" interview that you had recently kicked a bad habit you had. do you know what i'm talking about? where you would mouth the words -- >> oh, that. i thought you meant the other. [ laughter ] no, henry is a monster. everybody thinks henry is the nicest guy. he's a monster. everybody thinks he's like, oh, hello and welcome. to what do i owe -- and in reality, he's like "i played fonzie." [ laughter ] he's a monster. but no, i do do a thing. and it is true, and everybody -- he's the sweetest guy on the planet. i do a thing when we're doing scenes together that i mouth along. because i've written the scripts with the writers, so i mouth
12:00 am
along with what he's doing. and it's super annoying. >> jimmy: we selected a scene from the show. and i was thinking i would play henry's part, gene cousineau, and you would play yours. we'll have to pass it back because we didn't want to make two copies. >> okay. this is a scene from "barry." do you think i'm a bad person, mr. cousineau? >> jimmy: i think you are deeply human. [ laughter ] you did a terrible thing. but do i think that defined you? no. that's why i don't think you should tell this story in front of the class. also, they will [ bleep ] themselves. they're children. [ laughter ] yeah, i could see how that would be -- i could see how that would be distracting 37. [ cheers and applause ]
12:01 am
>> jimmy: when we come back, we're going to see a scene -- you're going to break down a scene for us from the show that you directed. >> yes. that's right. >> jimmy: bill hader is with us. "barry" is back on hbo. we'll be right back. oh! you're doing it wrong, man. what's wrong with action figures? nothing. capital one shopping instantly searches for available coupon codes and automatically applies them. whoa! i look good in miniature. capital one shopping. (in s.l.j. voice) what's in your wallet?
12:02 am
12:03 am
what's it like having xfinity internet? it's beyond gig-speed fast. so gaming with your niece, has never felt more intense. hey what does this button do? no, don't! we're talking supersonic wi-fi. three times the bandwidth and the power to connect hundreds of devices at once. that's powerful. couldn't said it better myself. you just did. unbeatable internet from xfinity. made to do anything so you can do anything. whoa.
12:04 am
♪ ♪ thousands of women with metastatic breast cancer... are living in the moment and taking ibrance. ibrance with an aromatase inhibitor is for postmenopausal women or for men with hr+/her2- metastatic breast cancer as the first hormonal based therapy. ibrance plus letrozole significantly delayed disease progression versus letrozole. ibrance may cause low white blood cell counts that may lead to serious infections. ibrance may cause severe inflammation of the lungs. both of these can lead to death. tell your doctor if you have new or worsening chest pain, cough, or trouble breathing. before taking ibrance, tell your doctor if you have fever, chills, or other signs of infection,... liver or kidney problems, are or plan to become pregnant, or are breastfeeding. for more information about side effects talk to your doctor.
12:05 am
be in your moment. fantastic! ask your doctor about ibrance. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're back with bill hader. cocreator of the show "barry," writer of the show "barry." star of course. and director. you directed five of the eight episodes this season. >> yeah, i directed them.
12:06 am
>> jimmy: that's impressive. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i assume that's something that you -- and by the first episode that i know you - directed, it's like all one take. it's like -- right? am i wrong? >> yeah, we shot it all one continuous take of sarah goldberg. entering a -- >> jimmy: it's a fantastic scene. >> stage, yeah. and going through the set. >> jimmy: how long is that scene without a cut? >> oh, man, that's a good question. it's got to be three, over three minutes. >> jimmy: you'd think you know that. >> no, i don't pay attention to that. i wasn't in it. no, but it was like a very -- yeah, that was like a tough scene to do. that was the first day of shooting, first shot, first day of shooting was that big long one. >> jimmy: you have an encyclopedic memory for movies. you and your dad used to watch tons of movies together. >> yeah. >> jimmy: your dad bought you a video camera when you were how old? >> i was probably ten. >> jimmy: 10 years old. you started making movies with your siblings. >> yes. with my two sisters cara and katie.
12:07 am
yeah. >> jimmy: did you save those? >> no. they were terrible. they were basically ripoffs of this movie "the evil dead." has anyone seen "the evil dead"? [ applause ] whoa. one guy is really stoked. >> jimmy: yeah. >> he's like, yes! >> jimmy: it's actually bruce campbell. >> bruce campbell is up there. no, but yeah. so, i was obsessed with that when i was like 13. and i -- yeah, younger. so, yeah, i would chase my sisters around with a camera. they would have to -- i'd make fake blood and dump it on their heads and stuff. it's pretty much the same [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: is it the same thing? >> yeah. but now it's like with henry winkler, who's the sweetest guy in the world. >> jimmy: and anthony carrigan. >> one of the funniest guys on television. >> jimmy: great character. great actor too. so, what we're going to see here is a scene, you might need to set it up a little.
12:08 am
>> so anthony's character -- noho hank is being interrogated. >> jimmy: he's excited about it. >> he's very excited. he's like i'm legit nervous. so he's being interrogated and he's being presented with this piece of evidence that makes him realize that i, my character framed him. so what you do sometimes in movies is you do pickups where you say like, okay, in the script you say, oh, my gosh, right? let's do a version, we say, oh, my gosh, one version you go, huh? or whatever. i say, why don't we do one, you just go, wow. right? so what i said was just say wow and then i'll say cut. >> jimmy: okay. let's take a look. >> can you tell me what that pin says? >> it says, "the debt has been paid."
12:09 am
>> any idea where we found it? >> a box back home. you pay your debts. >> we found that one in the trunk of a car next to a detective's dead body. >> wow. >> jimmy: okay. >> okay. so he said "wow." and i'm sitting there next to the camera and i was going -- i didn't say cut. so he was waiting for me to say cut, but i, like, was just like lost in thought. >> jimmy: and so he keeps going? >> so he kept going. we left it in. >> well, we found that one in the trunk of a car next to a detective's dead body. >> wow. wow. wow. [ applause ] what the [ bleep ]? that's super [ bleep ]ed up. you know?
12:10 am
[ cheers and applause ] >> he was just sitting there going like, yo, dude, when are you going to say cut? [ laughter ] i was like, oh, sorry, cut, cut, cut. and then we were in the edit bay watching that. we were just crying laughing. we were like let's just leave the whole thing in. >> jimmy: i love the show. it's great to have you here. >> you get name checked next week. >> jimmy: i'm very excited. >> "jimmy kimmel show" next sunday on "barry." we name-check this show. >> jimmy: very exciting. [ cheers and applause ] "barry" sunday nights 8:00 p.m. hbo and hbo max. we'll be back with mo amer.
12:11 am
test. test. so today let's stain, with behr, the #1 rated stain. and make your deck, yours. behr. exclusively at the home depot. andrea: this is the hardest thing we will probably ever and make your deck, yours. have to go through. st. jude has given us transportation, treatment. to know that we don't have bills, they take every other stress off of your shoulders. have you tried crunching? crunching made casual friday start on monday. crunching made me ceo of this desk. 100% real milk chocolate and crispy rice really works. crunching makes work friends real friends. start crunching today!
12:12 am
why is it your grocery order arrives the second you remember everything you forgot to order? like. without. fail. who drank all the milk? fresh groceries and more. unlimited free delivery. walmart plus. ♪♪ in the future we'll travel to incredible places with the help of magical technology. but what about today? i want my magical future now. ♪♪ i have places to go. ♪♪ rocks to climb. ♪♪
12:13 am
sights to see. and flights to catch... i can't wait for what tomorrow will bring, but in the meantime, let's enjoy the ride... ♪♪ my moderate to severe plaque psoriasis... the itching... the burning. the stinging. my skin was no longer mine. emerge tremfyant®. with tremfya®, most people saw 90% clearer skin at 16 weeks. the majority of people saw 90% clearer skin even at 5 years. tremfya® is the first medication of its kind also approved for adults with active psoriatic arthritis... and it's 6 doses a year after 2 starter doses. serious allergic reactions may occur. tremfya® may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms or if you had a vaccine or plan to. emerge tremfyant®. with tremfya®... ask your doctor about tremfya® today. this is a hero, walking his youngest down the aisle, which to his bladder, feels like a mile.
12:14 am
yet he stands strong, dry, keeping the leaks only to his eyes. depend. the only thing stronger than us, is you.
12:15 am
12:16 am
>> lou: it's time to spot the clown! which one of these people works as a professional clown? ♪ >> it's me, twinkles! [ honks nose ] how was that? >> lou: i'll have nightmares forever. [ laughter ] [ sleep app ] and the end. you have now reached the end of the sleep app. you're the first person to actually do that. now i want to say congratulations, but it's also disappointing. what do you mean? that's it? i've got nothing left. hey if i were you, i'd try warm milk.
12:17 am
enough out of you! hi! oh go.. is this really helping? good days start with good nights, so you may want to talk to your doctor about both. [ sleep app ] i'm still here. oh boy. who do you think you are? saying no to settling and yes to getting all of the above. oh, right. you're you. tj maxx. where you can afford to be you to the maxx this is antonelli's cheese shop, and we're the antonellis! we chose our spark cash plus card from capital one because we earn unlimited two percent cash back on every purchase. and with no preset spending limit, our purchasing power adapts to our business needs. what's in your wallet? ♪♪ good checkup? no, great checkup.
12:18 am
aw, thank you, doc. for great checkups, crest has you covered... because crest pro-health protects 100% of your mouth for 24 hours. i mean we're talking dental hall of fame. now, from crest pro-health new densify. like bones, your teeth lose density overtime. but, crest has you covered. crest densify... actively rebuilds tooth density to extend the life of teeth. crest. the #1 toothpaste brand in america. i'm a fancy exercise bike noobie. and i've gone from zero to obsessed in like... three days. instructor: come on milwaukee! i see you! after riding twelve miles to nowhere, i'm taking a detour. and if you don't have the right home insurance coverage, you could be working out a way to pay for this yourself. get allstate and be better protected from mayhem for a whole lot less. cool. tangy.
12:19 am
ranchy. hidden valley secret sauce. hamburger. you're sleep saucing again. mmmmmm! restaurant inspired hidden valley ranch secret sauces. you either love it or you really love it. [music: "i got it" by jung youth and jeremy silver] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ the first-ever corolla cross. toyota. let's go places.
12:20 am
panera chefs have crafted a masterpiece... succulent, seared chicken... a secret aioli... clean ingredients... in a buttery brioche roll. made fresh, to leave you... speechless. panera's new chef's chicken sandwiches. $1 delivery fee on our app.
12:21 am
♪ >> jimmmy: music from sasha alex sloan is on the way. our next guest is an actor, a comedian, and a mo. his standup special is called "mohammed in texas," and on friday night he is a sold-out part of "netflix is a joke: the festival," here in l.a. please welcome mo amer. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
12:22 am
now, the last time i saw you was at 3:00 this morning. >> that's right. >> jimmy: we were at -- as i mentioned to the audience earlier, at the mark twain prize ceremony for jon stewart. >> correct. >> jimmy: you're a friend of jon's. >> i am. >> jimmy: how long have you known jon? >> about five years or so. >> jimmy: jon pulled me aside and said this guy mo, you've got to have him on the show. i said yeah, he's on monday. [ laughter ] >> that's how fast jon works. >> jimmy: that's how powerful he is. we take his suggestions before he even thinks of them. [ laughter ] you have a remarkable story, though. correct me if i have any of this wrong. at age 9, you're from kuwait. >> palestinian background, born in kuwait, fled the war in kuwait.
12:23 am
>> jimmy: iraq invades in kuwait -- >> cue the aws. >> jimmy: you go to texas of all places. houston, texas. >> it's a natural place of refuge for arab muslims, you know what i mean? [ laughter ] that's where we go, right, guillermo? [ laughter ] >> guillermo: yeah. that's right! >> [ speaking foreign language ]. >> guillermo: good job. >> you have to learn multiple languages. after 9/11 i was like italian and spanish for a good six months. >> jimmy: how many languages do you speak? >> i speak three languages. >> jimmy: wow. that's impressive. what do you think you'd be doing if you stayed in kuwait, if there had been no invasion and you stayed there? would you be a comedian now? >> i presume that i would be in the oil business. [ laughter ] i don't know. that world of what ifs is really strange to me. i can't imagine something like that. my father was a telecommunications engineer. most likely we were going through the traditional routes potentially because, you know, stand-up comedy is an indigenous art form to america.
12:24 am
like jazz, hip-hop and stand-up. so who knows how long it would have been before i was exposed to stand-up comedy? >> jimmy: it's ramadan right now. >> correct. >> jimmy: do you observe the traditions? and what are the traditions? >> i do. well, it's the three things that are essential for human survival. you can't have any of those. [ laughter ] food, water, sex. don't touch any of it. [ laughter ] from sunup to sundown. >> jimmy: is that hard from sunup to sundown? >> i'm parched, personally. >> jimmy: yeah, that's got to be -- the water's got to be the worst part, right? >> it is definitely the worst part. you know, for a comedian it's quite easy because we stay up till 5:00, 6:00 in the morning. we just wake up right before the sun goes down, so it's not really fasting. [ laughter ] it's just -- i'm just living my life. everybody is like, ramadan's coming up. like, okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: maybe this is too
12:25 am
touchy. i don't know. forgive me if it is. but what if you just reach for a glass of water and drink it? >> then you just grab a knife and you stab yourself. [ laughter ] just to preserve your honor. that's the only way. no, it's nothing like that. you know, islam is a very generous religion that allows for mistakes, of course. >> jimmy: i see. >> you know. you just finish drinking the water because you already did it. [ laughter ] might as well finish it up, you know what i mean? >> jimmy: at one time, this is really an unusual job. you worked in a flag store. >> i did. >> jimmy: a store that sold flags. >> flags, yeah. >> jimmy: were they flags from all around the world? or texas flags? or what? >> i don't know want to get into how many different historical flags were involved, but -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: were there snakes on
12:26 am
any of them? >> there were some snakes on some of them, jimmy. [ laughter ] yeah, whenever you come as a refugee, you don't really have a choice on what jobs you should take as a teenager, you know. i worked under the table for quite some time. i worked at this flag store. and it was right before 9/11. then 9/11 happened, and flags sales skyrocketed. you know? george bush said go fly an american flag to show your patriotism. well, you know, our store, which we usually was wholesaling across the country, all these texans "i'm going to need the american flag! give me an american flag! achl aah!" we sold -- flags with john wayne on it. flags with native americans on them. that's kind of weird. but just go ahead and do it. and then we were out, and this
12:27 am
guy was like, but i need one. bro, we're out, what do you want me to do, man? i don't have any more american flags. and he just insisted so much, i was like, you know what? we have a liberia flag. it has red and white stripes. but they're flipped, order is flipped. it has a square, blue square in the top left-hand corner with one giant white star on it. and he was like, "i'll take it!" [ laughter ] he walked out of the store like, america! i'm like, west africa, you dumb sumbitch. >> jimmy: were any of these guys surprised to be buying flags from you? >> well, they thought i was mexican. [ laughter ] but there was one person that came in, and i stayed late for him. this was the last american flag i sold there. and the owner of the shop was arab and he had a thick accent. so the man was late, the man who was coming in to buy the flag was really late. and he walks in and he sees arabic writing on the wall, it was a prayer.
12:28 am
and he immediately just uttered this racial slur. i won't -- definitely won't say it here tonight. it was really heartbreaking. and i just kept my composure. and he's like, you got that american flag? i said, yeah. it's -- it is, but it's really expensive, you know. it's a super polyester, it's really shiny. [ laughter ] it's double stitching. you know, it's rare. [ laughter ] it's $500 if you want it. he's like, yeah, i'll take it. this flag is $3 wholesale. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] honest to god. it gets better. he goes, well, i need a flag pole. i was like, well, i'm fresh out of flag poles, but i have one flag pole doesn't have the original base, but this flag pole was handcrafted.
12:29 am
has a nice sheen to it as well. it will match the flag quite well. i was like, it's also $300. it's usually 500, but i'm going to cut off 200 because we don't have the wooden base that goes with it. he's like, i'll take it. i was like great. so i went over near the warehouse and i unscrewed the mop. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: it's a very american way to handle it. price gouging. >> hey. capitalism. you know what i mean? >> jimmy: you have your netflix special, which is very funny. i saw it today. "mohammed in texas." now you're doing a show for netflix. you're going to shoot it in your hometown of houston. >> yeah. we already shot it, actually. it's the first ever narrative sitcom to be filmed in houston. which is mind-blowing. >> jimmy: that is crazy. >> it is crazy. we already did it, yeah. it's coming out later on this year. >> jimmy: you love houston, you love your hometown. we were talking on the plane. you really -- you're like yeah, best food in the world's in
12:30 am
houston. >> best food in the world. i am. i'm an advocate. i love houston. it doesn't get enough credit it deserves. there are so many great artists that have come out of houston, like beyonce, lizzo, megan thee stallion, travis scott, bun b, paul wall -- i mean, the list -- toby, my co-star of my show, you've had him on. >> jimmy: he was here on our show, yeah. >> during the pandemic. >> jimmy: what's the show called? do you know yet? >> you're putting me on the spot. it's going to be called "mo." >> jimmy: oh. well, that's nice and easy to remember. [ applause ] i mean, that wasn't that like crazy a reveal. >> we had a couple things going on. you know what i mean? >> jimmy: now it's got to be "mo." it's settled. >> jimmy made the decision, netflix. sorry, not sorry. >> jimmy: it's great to have you here. i can't wait to see the show.
12:31 am
the show will be called "mo," we know that now. the netflix comedy special is "mohammed in texas." mo amer, everybody. we'll be right back with music from sasha alex sloan. [ cheers and applause ] >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes e-q. all electric, all mercedes. check out this vrbo. oh man. ♪♪ come on. ♪♪
12:32 am
♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ if you're a small business, there are lots of choices when it comes to your internet and technology needs. but when you choose comcast business internet, you choose the largest, fastest reliable network. you choose advanced security. and you choose fiber solutions with speeds up to 10 gigs available to more small businesses than any other provider. the choice is clear: get unbeatable business solutions from the most innovative company. get a great deal on this limited time price with internet and voice for just $49.99 a month for 24 months with a 2-year price guarantee. call today.
12:33 am
>> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes e-q. all electric, all mercedes. >> jimmy: thanks to bill hader, mo amer. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. tomorrow night, rebel wilson and randy rainbow with music from lawrence. "nightline" is next, but first, this is her album. it's called "i blame the world." it comes out may 13th. here with the title track, sasha alex sloan! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ why fall in love if i fall out ♪ ♪ why get high if eventually everyone comes down ♪ ♪ why play the game if it ain't fair ♪ ♪ why talk to god if i ain't got any proof he's even there ♪
12:34 am
♪ and why say hi if i gotta say bye someday and why get close if i know my heart could break ♪ ♪ can't see the good in all the bad can't make me happy when i'm sad ♪ ♪ i blame the world ♪ ♪ i'm a glass-half-empty kinda girl can't see the silver in the lines ♪ ♪ can't make the best of a bad time i blame the world ♪ ♪ i'm a glass-half-empty kinda girl i'm a glass-half-empty kinda girl ♪ ♪ why paint my nails if they chip off ♪ ♪ why try to find myself if i know i'll end up getting lost ♪
12:35 am
♪ and why say hi if i gotta say bye someday ♪ ♪ and why get close if i know my heart could break ♪ ♪ can't see the good in all the bad can't make me happy when i'm sad ♪ ♪ i blame the world ♪ ♪ i'm a glass-half-empty kinda girl ♪ ♪ can't see the silver in the lines can't make the best of a bad time ♪ ♪ i blame the world ♪ ♪ i'm a glass-half-empty kinda girl i'm a glass-half-empty kinda girl ♪ ♪ oh i wanna run away oh i wanna run away ♪ ♪ can't see the good in all the
12:36 am
bad can't make me happy when i'm sad ♪ ♪ i blame the world i'm a glass-half-empty kinda girl ♪ ♪ can't see the silver in the lines can't make the best of a bad time ♪ ♪ i blame the world ♪ ♪ i'm a glass-half-empty kinda girl i'm a glass-half-empty kinda girl ♪ ♪ i'm a glass-half-empty kinda girl ♪ ♪ oh, i wanna run away ♪ ♪ i wanna run away ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
12:37 am
>> announcer: this is "nightline." tonight, scotus leak? an apparent supreme court draft opinion reportedly outlining justices' upcoming ruling against abortion rights. then, the tulsa race massacre. the last living survivors of one of the worst racial killings in american history. a significant step forward. the upcoming trial could set precedents for dozens of other cities considering reparations. >> you and the other survivors. >> mm-hmm. >> are pushing for payments. >> yes. whatever it takes to replace our loss. >> why some city leaders say this isn't the way. plus, glitz and glamour at the met gala. the big names turning heads on one of fashion's biggest nights. we meet the n


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on