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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  May 23, 2022 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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tom hiddleston. have a good night. we'll see you tomorrow. lou: from hollywood - it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- tom hiddleston, d'arcy carden, and music from supergrass. with cleto and the cletones. and now -- jimmy kimmel! ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. hi there. wow. hi, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. i've returned. i'm back. i've returned from the dead.
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i'm alive. that's very nice. i pr appreciate it. as you probably heard, i had covid three weeks ago. i tested positive, i was positive for a week. then i was negative for a week. and then i was positive for another week. what i'm saying is i'm weak, i think. i wasn't very sick either time. fortunately, i had two boosters. and a whole bottle of flintstones vitamins. but it was a reality check. once i tested negative, i was like, oh, i'm indestructible. i went to an indoor restaurant -- not only was i not wearing a mask, i didn't even have a shirt on! and then i go online, and read, "jimmy kimmel tests positive -- for hiv again." again? i got many, many, many e-mails about that. again in you'd think i would have heard about it the first time.
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that's the kind of thing they call you about, right? i tested positive for covid while i was in new york. so i had to stay there until i was negative. so when i got home, my kids made me signs to welcome me. jane wrote, "welcome back daddy." which is very cute. and my son, billy, drew a picture of me peeing. p a lot. he said -- and i even have a "pee mustache." which -- i don't even think is a thing. but i learned a very important lesson last week, and that lesson is, if you complain about not hearing from people the first time you get covid? the second time you get it, you will hear from everyone. in the world. all wanting to know every detail of what happened, why it happened, how long it happened for. and then at a certain point you realize, "oh, they're not worried about me, they're pworr"
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this has very little to do with me at all. anyway, i want to thank john mulaney and andy samberg for filling in for me, despite the fact that i did not ask them to do it. they just showed up and took over. and i also want to mention that guillermo is not here. he called in today, very sick. but not covid. just regular sick. as far as we know. which is -- i feel like, unless you have covid, people don't even care. they're like "oh, it's mono? okay. eat a popsicle and go to bed." so, on the off, off chance guillermo is watching right now, and he isn't, we send you our love. and i know he's our security guard but i honestly feel like we are safer with him at home. so i had something planned. so lou -- this is our announcer, lou wilson. he lurks in the shadows.
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have you heard of "covid brain?" after having covid, some people have trouble with their memory, sharpness -- all that stuff you need to host a talk show. and i feel like i had it the first time i came back after covid. i was interviewing jessica biel and the thoughts weren't coming out of my head at the speed they usually do. so i thought our announcer lou could give me a cognitive test to see if there's any i did have a weird thing last night where i couldn't remember pete davidson's name. and, you know, if you can't keep up with the kardashians, you can't do this job. so lou, go ahead. ask away. >> lou: what is your middle name? >> jimmy: kelly ripa. >> lou: what street did you grow up on? >> jimmy: asphalt, just a regular street. >> lou: what time is it when the big hand is on the 12, and the little hand is on the 4? >> jimmy: hammer time. >> lou: very good. you got them all. >> jimmy: okay, so i am running at 110%. which is good, because we may have another health crisis on
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the way. called "monkeypox." president biden said monkeypox is "something everybody should be concerned about." oh, good. i was hoping to have another thing to be concerned about. living in this country is like being a contestant on "wipeout" every minute. you know last week, they had a hearing in congress about ufos. barely made a dent. nobody even noticed! now we have monkeypox. which could be challenging. have you ever tried to get an n-95 onto a monkey? they'll tear you up. speaking of viruses, kellyanne conway is back with a book about her time as donald trump's henchwoman. the book is called "here's the deal." >> here's the deal. it's been quite the story, quite the ride. quite the journey. quite the life. and i'm still going. god has tested me, entrusted my. he has asked me to bear burdens
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that did not break me. and he has bestowed blessings on me beyond what i ever could have imagined or deserved. amen. >> jimmy: yeah, amen. did you notice that she's not looking at the book at all while she's reading from it? in the book, conway says that in 2016, after the infamous "access hollywood" tape was released, donald trump considered dropping out of the race. but she told him to keep going. so instead of stepping down for bragging about grabbing women by the private parts, she encouraged him to stay in, and make decisions that would control every woman's private parts for many years to come. and we all lived crappily ever. amen. trump, by the way, is pushing back on this story. today his new spokesperson said conway's claims are "totally false." in other words, kellyanne got kellyanned. isn't that something?
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now kellyanne conway is the liar, according to him. let's go through the list of former trump loyalists who wrote books, that trump now claims are liars. former defense secretary, mark esper. his former attorney general, bill barr. former national security advisor, john bolton. former press secretary, stephanie grisham. melania's former adviser, stephanie winston wolkoff. omarosa. and trump's former lawyer, michael cohen. all the best people turned out to be the worst people! isn't that something? meanwhile, his other former lawyer, rudy giuliani -- who is not a liar. he's really great. -- was part of the "celebrate israel parade" in new york yesterday, where he took time to have a fun parade conversation with a heckler along the way.
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[ inaudible ] >> you're class act. >> i am a class act! >> jimmy: and, back to the parade! meanwhile rudy's buddies in russia have released a list of 963 americans who are banned from visiting the country. they are banned from russia. it's a strange mix of politicians and celebrities, including president biden, nancy pelosi, mark zuckerberg, hillary clinton, george stephanopoulos, and morgan freeman -- for some reason. which, banning the president, i guess i understand, but morgan freeman? what is he going to do? narrate you to death? they also banned senators harry reid, orrin hatch, and john mccain. none of whom are alive.
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john mccain died in 2018. but i guess they're slow to get american tv over there. their biggest show right now is "the oc." it's true. meanwhile, as the war on ukraine slogs on, starbucks today announced they will be ending their "brand presence" in russia. they're taking their stores out of the country, hitting russians right where it really hurts, right in the k-pops. starbucks had 130 stores in russia. and it's actually a very significant blow. starbucks was the only way the russian military got wifi. and while this is terrible news for moscow macchiato fans, it's great news for the biggest coffee chain in russia -- timour hortonovich's. a little something for our friends up north, you know? have you been watching the nba playoffs? we're down to the final four. it's the heat versus the celtics in the east, and with a 3-0 lead on the dallas mavericks, the warriors of golden state. which is not the team charles barley would like to
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see win this thing. >> why do you think the mavs are the best team? >> i don't think they're the best team. i just cannot pick with the warriors, because i hate their fans. their fans okbnoxious. i like the coaches and the players on the team. but i hate their fans. i want to see these losers suck. i do. >> jimmy: can we just make him president? he's the best. there is no more delightful human being alive. and one more thing about covid, since it cost me two weeks of shows this month -- we have come a long way since the start of this pandemic. we had no vaccine. and it may be a long time until we get through it.pso every now back, to remember life during lockdown, and we're doig it again tonight in a may edition of "this month in covid history." >> it's time to journey back. >> physical distance. >> happy birthday to you! >> to this month in covid
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history. it's may, 2021, and the cdc has something to say. >> i want to be clear about what the cdc is saying. >> okay. say it. > on what the cdc is not saying. >> right. we're listening. >> the cdc is saying. >> what the heck did the cdc say? >> anyone who is fully vaccinated can participate in indoor and outdoor activities without wearing a mask or physical distancing. >> covid comes to an end. see you later, ventilator. >> to me, to me, this is an opinion. it ends the covid hold on our lives. >> visit vaccines.gum or text your zip code to -- >> or just your grandkids. >> how many americans have died after taking the covid vaccines.
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>> either zero or a number you're about to make up. >> a total of 3,362 people apparently died after getting the covid vaccine in the united states. >> let's just fact check that, shall we? and that should put an end to vaccine misinformation. >> we're testing. >> this is crazy. this is crazy. >> can't make this up. this is a stud finder. >> it sure is you sexy being. >> jimmy: we've got a good show for you tonight -- d'arcy carden is here. we have music from supergrass. and we'll be right back with tom hiddleston. ♪ ♪ abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by hyundai.
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♪ ♪ >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back to the show. tonight, from "barry" on hbo, d'arcy carden is with us. then later, celebrating the 25th anniversary of this album, "in it for the money," supergrass, from the mercedes-eq stage. tomorrow night, rupaul and van lathan jr. with music from becky g. so please join us for that. last week, the hearts and pants of marvel fans around the world swelled with joy with the news that the whole cast will return for the second season of "loki." but first, he has a new limited series on apple tv plus -- new episodes of "the essex serpent" with claire danes premiere fridays. please welcome tom hiddleston.
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[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: very good to see you. have a seat. >> isn't it amazing, how lovely to be here and a live audience. >> jimmy: it's lovely to have you here. >> how are you? >> i'm fine. and by the way, i just had a moment there when i was thinking, maybe he doesn't want to touch me when he comes out. >> but you're okay. >> honestly t, it was very mild. it was like a mild cold. have you skescaped the clutchesf this? >> i haven't. i had it. i had it over christmas. but i know some people have had a really hard time, and i so relatively was all right. i kind of felt like i was a gong
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or a bell, and i was just sort of vibrating with this sort of low-level -- >> jimmy: are you sure you weren't high is this. >> i promise i wasn't. there's this weird sense of humming with something. >> jimmy: what a poetic way to put it. i was just in bed watching the mets. well, good. i'm glad you made it through, but i'm sorry you missed christmas. it depends on how much you like your family, i guess. >> i missed, we canceled the previous christmas, so i missed them very much. we had a great new year. so it was negative, negative, december 30th. so new year's eve was fantastic. >> jimmy: very to be honest and tell you, it was news to knee that i wasn't like super man coming out of the first one. but at that time you were probably thinking oh, great, i can't get it again. and now we learn, oh, yeah. you can get a different strain
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of it. >> a different variant. >> jimmy: and who would know more about variants than you. >> it's so strange. it was so strange, when we wrote "loki", i thought, that's a very interesting word. you don't hear the word variant very often. i hope the audience get it. and cut to year two, and now they get it. >> jimmy: the whole cast is returning, which is nice. >> great. >> jimmy: great to have everybody back. it also gives us a little bit of an idea of what might happen. >> what to expect. >> jimmy: and also you're moving the production from atlanta to london. >> that's right. >> jimmy: was that something where you said okay, i've had enough of be being in the united states, i would like to be in london? >> i think it was an accident of scheduling.
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>> jimmy: will they move the sets to london? >> they will. they'll put them on a -- i don't know how they move sets. pack them up and put them on a cargo plane or a boat. >> jimmy: or maybe they rebuild the whole thing. do you know? >> i should know. i don't. i feel like i'm letting you down that i don't know. but yeah, i think they're all there. >> jimmy: so when "loki" came out, what was it, last summer? >> last summer, yeah. >> jimmy: did you have any idea what a big deal, because it's the most popular show on marvel plus. did you have any idea? [cheers and applause] >> thank you. >> jimmy: because i was a "thor." i thought "loki" was pronounced lok-i. did you have a sense it would be so popular?
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>> we were still in a lockdown in the uk and i was making this other show, the "essex serpent", and i kind of got a sense of it, because the show went out on a wednesday night. and every thursday morning the crew would be kind of keenly asking me questions like, you know, i'd be getting mic'd up in the morning. they'd be like, okay. tba, are they the good guys? or are they the bad guys? i thought it unusual to be having these responses in real time. as a really brilliant young actor playing my son in the "essex serpent." and i think it took him a few weeks to get around the fact that i wasn't actually loki. and every, every, every week we had to have a full debrief about what had happened the night before. okay, right. you picked up the cube. now you're in the tva, now you
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know who they r you look pretty tough. you're not really dead. are you in the other time line, but not in this timeline where does it go? i can't tell you. >> jimmy: do you have that with children in oh, he's bad. he was bad to thor, where they react negatively to seeing you. >> i've never had it, yeah. >> jimmy: okay. >> or if i have, i've blocked it out. >> jimmy: you sang a song on, like, i think it was like the third episode. >> yes, i did. >> jimmy: and it was in "asguardian", which is the native tongue of loki. >> you're very fluent in it. >> jimmy: i am very fluent. if anyone would be, it would probably be me. was it written specifically for the show? >> yeah, it was written for the show by our amazing composer,
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and it was actually in norwegian, i think, as a nod to loki is a north god, the ancient people. and the idea is they are on a train going from a to b. and loki of course finds the dining car and sylvi has a nap and loki start as party. >> jimmy: you know, charted was like on the world music chart at number eight it hit. >> amazing. that's never happened. didn't see that coming. >> jimmy: and it's funny because in norway, they're like, oh, yeah, he's singing a song. >> i hope they weren't offended bit fact that i was butchering their native tongue. >> jimmy: can you speak norwegian? >> i speak the words of that song. >> jimmy: that's enough i guess. and you know what they mean, so. >> yeah. how's it go?
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it's like [ speaking in foreign language ] anyway, ci could go on. >> jimmy: you remember that. >> it means something like the trees they dance, and the waterfalls stop when she sings. she sings come home in the apple orchard stands a beautiful maiden, and she sings come home. it's sort of like an old folk song, which loki could turn into a drinking song. >> jimmy: do you think you will remember that song when you're like 80 years old? >> probably. i was so terrified. they gave it to me like four days before we did it, and i remember just singing it all the time, trying to remember it. you know when you have to learn
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something very quickly, you have to do that every day probably, but you get obsessed. i was so worried i was going to offend a whole nation of people. >> jimmy: yes, and the nepeoplen the heavens as well. >> yeah, a lightning bolt. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break and see clip. we'll be right back. >> portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by smirnoff.
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>> where were you last night? >> at home with friends t was my birthday. >> the devil did his work. >> you were with us. >> tell them. >> look, this has nothing to do with mr. seayborn. clearly. >> my son was with me all night. will! >> vicious lie. >> she's a witch. >> you brought the serpent here. and you put a spell on him. >> enough! >> you did. >> jimmy: shoe's a witch! we're back with tom hiddleston. i'll let you explain it. i watched the show. we think it's a snake that's eating people or some kind of s
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serpent. >> you're doing really well. >> jimmy: and you play a vicar, a priest. and claire danes isn't a witch, but they think he is. >> in late 19th century, claire danes plays a widow who's just gotten over the death of her abusive, and it w, she has a ke interest. and she goes to this part of england where there's been an earthquake and it's unearthed all these fossils. and in this community, they're very god-fearing and faithful. and a teenaged girl has gone missing. and they think this ancient winged serpent has come back to
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steal your children and haunt your dreams and turns into a kind of a story about faith and, faith and science and where we look at to try to explain our meaning in our lives and, you know. >> jimmy: you personally, as far as unknown phenomenon goes, we just had our hearing about ufos, are people in england laughing at us? >> i think there's probably a community that would be curious about stuff. i personally like to live in the sc skepticism, to live in the question. neither definitely on the side of -- it's just in my imagination. >> jimmy: what about big foot? >> we have the loch ness monster. >> jimmy: do you have a chupacabra? >> what's that? >> jimmy: the chupacabra, you must learn about that.
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it's a mexican import and sucks the blood out of the -- >> oh. >> jimmy: i'm so excited that i got to tell you about the chupacabra. you have to look for it. you speak spanish, right? you spoke to guillermo. >> he pretended to understand. >> jimmy: is there a yeti? >> i do know the yeti. it's not quite landscape in the uk. >> reporter: we don't have the yeti. we have sass kwach, which is big foot. what about ghosts? >> i'm open to ghost. >> jimmy: you have more ghosts in england. >> i'm open to that, definitely. >> jimmy: more open to ghosts
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than ufos. you're now going to hear about this forever. >> probably, i think it's all the imagination, right? kind of like monsters under the bed when you're a child. >> jimmy: i think so. >> really a monster under the bid. >> jimmy: ufo s i'm kind of on board with, but ghost, i feel like if there were such a thing as ghosts, hospitals would be full of them, because so many people die there. >> i think it's an evidence-based theory. you're really the detective. i love their the bottom of the . they say we've done less exploration under the ocean than
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the moon. >> jimmy: that is kind of crazy, but on the other hand. >> i am no scientist. i'm just somebody who learns lines and tries not to bump into the furniture for ai living. i'm not a marine biologist. >> jimmy: with that accent week, assume assume that you know more than we do. i think we can't get to the deepest part of the ocean. >> that's right. we can't. there are parts of the ocean that are so deep that we can't take the pressure. literally. >> jimmy: do you know aqua man in. >> i do. he's at the bottom of the ocean. >> jimmy: we're going to ask him. loki doesn't have insight, aqua man will know for sure. >> aqua man has met the essex serpent. >> jimmy: that would be a huge, huge film, aqua man versus the essex serpent. thank you for coming and
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literally risking your life to sit next to me. new episodes of "the essex serpent" premiere fridays on apple tv plus. we'll be back with d'arcy carden. ♪ ♪ wasn't expecting that. it was literally... literally the greatest thing i've ever seen... scene... it was such a scene, but i looked pretty hot... so hot. i mean the look on his face... face it! you really missed out on the best time... time of our lives. you really had to be there. when you're with amex, you always have a story to tell. it's never a question of if it's going to happen... it's when. ♪♪
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it's a cheetos thing. , two out of state corporations making big promises to californians. what's the real math behind their ballot measure for online sports betting? 90% of profits go to the out of state corporations permanently. only eight and a half cents is left for the homeless. and in virginia, arizona, and other states, fanduel and draftkings
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use loopholes to pay far less than was promised. sound familiar? it should. it's another bad scheme for california. ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: hi, welcome back. su supergrass is still to come. our next guest you know from "the good place," now, she is in a bad one. she plays natalie on "barry" -- watch new episodes sunday nights on hbo and hbo max. please say hello to d'arcy carden.
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♪ ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: sorry, d' arcy, we almost tripped but that invisible black wire. >> he warned me. >> jimmy: it's so good to see you. i love "barry." ki n i cannot get enough of the show, and it's such a good cast, such a good show. do you have any idea what's going to happen in the next season? >> i don't think bill knows. just kidding. i actually do know the whole thing. and i'm not going to tell you anything. not that you want to know. >> jimmy: i do want to know, but i don't want to know also. and henry winkler is on this show, and henry winkler is, i mean, it's one of those people for me like i can't believe i
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know henry winkler. >> i fileeel the same way. he's truly become one of my best friends. >> jimmy: he has. >> he's so lovebling. loveable. he's deeply loved. we talk all the time. i talked to him on the phone today. >> jimmy: how often do you talk to him, realistically? >> truly i would say during the pandemic, other than my husband, i talked to henry winkler more than anyone else in my life. >> jimmy: really? wow. >> he's like a phone guy. i'm a phone guy. we also got really into, you know those emojis that can you make yourself? can you make yourself be an emoji. you are looking into your phone and your face becomes an emoji? we send a lot of those.
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>> jimmy: fonzie is an eemoji she in. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you brought a picture that i think is interesting. tell us what we about to see here. >> this is kind of pre-pandemic. the "barry" group chat was starting off. and they were like, what are you doing? and i made banana bread. an and henry said what do i have to do to try this banana bread. my husband and i were like, why don't we just go drop off this banana bread. since there was nobody on the road. >> jimmy: is this a screen shot you grabbed? henry eating the banana bread? >> that was like the text message to let me know that he really liked it. >> jimmy: did you tell him maybe take it a little easy on the butter? >> i think it's cream cheese.
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>> jimmy: oh, my god, really?pi. >> it's a great banana bread. hit me up after the show. >> jimmy: you'lldelivering it to people's hopes? >> yeah. hi, lou! i've known lou for years. >> jimmy: how long you have known lou? >> we did an improv. >> jimmy: have you been married? >> we were romantically involved but not married. >> jimmy: lou's really coming out of his shell tonight. so you have another show. >> yeah. >> jimmy: coming out. "a league of their own", based on the movie "a league of their own." and now abby jacobson is spearheading this? >> yes. so abby and me, abby and i.
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>> jimmy: abby and i. >> and a bunch of other gals. so even still that's wrong. yeah, we shot "a league of their own" in pittsburgh this summer. >> jimmy: it's one of those, wow, pittsburgh is great. le pittsburgh. it's like the worst name imaginable. >> but the most common phrase "! >> jimmy: how condescending. and you play baseball player. >> i do, i play a first baseman. >> jimmy: do you play baseball? >> actually, i'm really good at baseball. >> jimmy: did they know that before. >> i'm old friends with abby, even older than my husband lou. abby's a good baseball player, i'm a good baseball player, so this is match head in heaven. >> jimmy: you got to throw out
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the first pitch at a pirates game. should i say got to or asked to throw out the first pitch. it could be one are those ooh, i don't don't know if i want to do it. >> it's one of those things i admitted to my husband early on in my career, i was like, someday i want to throw out the first pitch, and he was like, chill out. who the hell do you think you are. and now i really showed him. but i really wanted to do it. my dad did it when i was a little kid in oakland. it was something that i always aspired. >> jimmy: your dad, did it go well for him? >> it did. you've done it. you can't overthink it. >> jimmy: the only thing is i made the mistake of wearing boots. >> are we talking cowboy? >> jimmy: like a doc martin type of thing. didn't feel that great on the
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mound. >> i wore sneakers. >> jimmy: cleats is going too far. >> i would do it, though. >> jimmy: if you wore cleats, they'd be like, all right, get off our mound. >> right. >> jimmy: so we have a video of you. >> you asked if i'm a good ball player. there i am. a little nervous there. >> jimmy: you look at home in the hat. >> i don't smoke it. >> jimmy: not bad. not bad at all. you know what? >>ki can i tell you, though, i better than that. >> jimmy: hundredyou had to thr parrot. nobody else has to throw to a parrot. >> do you think they're going to put jimmy kimmel in there? made a fool of me. >> jimmy: watch new episodes of "barry" sunday nights on hbo and hbo max. we'll be right back with music from supergrass.
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♪ ♪ >> the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes s class from mercedes benz. e controller, only yiu will save taxpayers money. wait, who, me? me? no, not you. yvonne yiu. yvonne yiu. not me. good choice. for 25 years, yiu worked as an executive at top financial firms. managed hundreds of audits. as mayor, she saved taxpayers over $55 million. finding waste. saving money. because... yiu is for you. yiu is for you. exactly. yvonne yiu. democrat for controller. this is the story of an airline. but wait! it's about more than just planes.
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it's a sci-fi story about a piece of trash that becomes sustainable aviation fuel. it's a rescue story... about saving thousands of connecting flights. it's a romance, an adventure, a musical- but most of all, it's a people story. starring more than 80,000 hero characters on a mission to do good in the air and beyond. because this... this is the story of an airline when good leads the way.
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the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-eq. "all electric, all mercedes." >> jimmy: i want to thank tom hiddleston and d'arcy carden. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. tomorrow night, rupaul and van lathan jr. with music from becky g. "nightline" is next, but first -- their european tour starts june 6th in glasgow, scotland -- here with their song, "richard the third," supergrass! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ got up today what a day thanks a million ♪
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♪ i spent too much time wondering why i got an opinion yeah ♪ ♪ i know you wanna try and get away but it's the hardest thing you'll ever know ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ waiting in line terrible time over familiar ♪ ♪ well take them away they've nothing to say they're over the hill yeah ♪ ♪ i know you wanna try and get away but it's the hardest thing you'll ever know ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ trying to get at you trying to get at you ♪ ♪ trying to get at you ♪ ♪ trying to get at you trying to get at y ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i know you wanna try and get away but it's the hardest thing you'll ever know ♪ ♪ i know you wanna try and get away but it's the hardest thing
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you'll ever know ♪ ♪ ♪
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this is "nightline." >> tonight, in his own words, trevor reed speaking about his captivity. >> from prison, i had been coughing up blood for several months. >> the marine veteran held behind bars in russia for 985 days, finally home. >> i remember thinking like, is this real? >> his new mission, bring home wnba star brittney griner and paul weland. >> i knew as soon as i was able to, i would fight for him to get out and i would do everything i could to get him out of there. and once a song writer to the stars -- ♪ ♪ behind mega hits


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