tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC May 26, 2022 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
>> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- rose byrne, the miz, and music from sebastian yatra. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. welcome. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us. it's good to be together. [ cheers and applause ] i just have to thank you, that's very nice. before i came out i was talking to one of our camera guys,
chris, has earpieces in. he turned to me to say something, it's very quiet backstage, and he was shouting. i jumped out of my skin. [ laughter ] i'm a little discombobulated right now. i will tell you, i've heard from a lot of people who watch the show over the past 48 hours. it has been nice. it gives me hope, knowing that so many americans are determined to change the status quo that is represented by -- [ cheers and applause ] -- these villains. these people like greg abbott, u the senator from texas, who is such an interesting character. his need for attention is so powerful, he has been everywhere this week. doing interviews. pontificating in that low "i care" voice that he puts on. [ laughter ] defending this disturbing allegiance these guys have to semiautomatic weapons, which ted says aren't the problem. the problem according to ted cruz is that schools need to be more like prisons. >> one of the things that
everyone agreed is, don't have all of these unlocked back doors. have one door into and out of the school. and have that one door armed police officers at that door. if that had happened, if those federal grants had gone to this school, when that psychopath arrived the armed police officers could have taken him out. >> jimmy: i see. so this wasn't a gun problem, it was a door problem! [ laughter ] get rid of the doors, this all goes -- makes total sense. maybe we should only have an exit door on schools so no one can come in. [ laughter ] they'll see the sign, they'll turn right around, there will be no problems at all. [ laughter ] ted knows a lot about doors. doors are what he leaves his dog to look out of when it gets cold. [ laughter ] and he sneaks off to cancun. [ cheers and applause ] cruzella de vil. and while this "one door" idea which is now all over the place might make sense to the nra crowd, you know who may have a problem with that? the fire department might have a problem with that.
[ laughter ] what a stupid, fake idea. listen, ted, i know you'd rather spend your days doing impressions of the simpsons and googling stepmom porn, but at some point -- [ laughter ] -- you might have to get down to it and do your job and doors ain't it. meanwhile, the attorney general in texas, his plan is to arm teachers. which what a great idea. mrs. antonoff has an ar-15. don't worry, everybody. [ laughter ] it's almost like they're joking, these people. tucker carlson did his usual "could it be that" routine in an attempt to connect the shooting to the pandemic. >> oh, so the lockdowns dramatically increase mental illness among young people, in ten days we've seen two mass shootings by mentally ill young people, could there be a connection? that's not finger pointing, that's not to blame fauci for yesterday's shooting, we're not that low, we're not joe biden. > jimmy: yeah, you sure aren't. [ laughter ] more of a joe goebbels
is what you are. ted cruz is blaming the doors, tucker carlson is blaming the fact that we're indoors. kids are turning gay from green m&ms. [ laughter ] the only way these guys are going to demand action is if a gender-neutral mr. potato head storms the school. then there will be a big problem. [ laughter ] of course, there were also a lot of mass shootings before the covid lockdown. but that doesn't fit into the narrative. and you're not going to get much more from people like lindsay graham. lindsey graham has been in washington for 27 years, and he still can't quite put his finger on this one. >> why do you think that this country is the only country in the world that constantly has mass shootings like this and elementary school shootings? >> yeah, well, we've had, you know -- one's too many. i don't have -- you know, i don't have the answers to all these -- i don't know why anybody would shoot their grandmother in their face, in her face, get in a car, and go to a school, and kill a bunch of kids. i don't know. that is beyond my ability to understand.
>> jimmy: well then, maybe we need to get someone in the senate who does ha t understand. because you obviously aren't capable. [ cheers and applause ] of thinking this through, over and over and over again. here's the thing. i am not allowed to fish without a license. it shouldn't be easier to get an ar-15 than a rainbow trout. [ cheers and applause ] and some of the -- you know, there was a big primary election in georgia on tuesday where marjorie taylor greene won her primary. should i hold for applause? no? okay. [ laughter ] and after a long and contentious primary election, klan mom celebrated and rallied her many faithful supporters with an inspiring speech. >> there is a storm brewing in our nation today. hail and thunder are coming for the elites who despise us and who want us to eat the bugs, drink the poop water, and live in the pods, and own nothing, yet somehow be happy.
i'm sorry, do any of you want that future? no! so bill gates. no. >> jimmy: i don't want to drink the poop water! she doesn't want to drink the poop water. she likes to eat it straight. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] by the way, i was like, what is she talking about? the "poop water" she is talking about is a project funded by bill gates to help solve our global water shortage. it's called the omni processor, and it does, in fact, make sewage water safe for humans to drink. it's a monumental scientific achievement, which is why she's against it. they should take her toilet away. [ laughter ] she doesn't deserve it. [ cheers and applause ] if marjorie taylor greene was around in the 1800s, she'd be like "i'm sorry, but i don't want some indoor wet bucket gulpin' up my doodies and make." [ laughter ] whoever writes her speeches is doing a -- [ laughter ] a hell of a job. [ applause ]
all right, yeah. i wanted to work the word "doodies" in, it's been a hard week. [ laughter ] i want you to watch her son who will be on the far right of the screen here. i think he might be as tired of her as the rest of us are. >> one way i've been doing that is calling roll call votes. they decide whether to take it out and strangle it. socialist monetary policy. endless wars and nation-building across the world. not the interests of corporate donors. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you've got to be careful there, son. that's how you wind up eating a bug and having to wash it down with poop water. [ applause ] now marjorie will move on to the general election, where she's heavily favored to win, it's a very republican district, which means two more years of that nonsense. and another up-and-coming einstein, former football star herschel walker, who won the georgia republican primary for
senate and beamed in this morning with "fox & friends" to share his well-formed thoughts on how to prevent another deadly shooting. >> what we need to do is look into the person that did the shooting. the same thing that's happened, whether it was in texas, in new york, in chicago, the thing happened in buffalo. you know, people see that. it's a person wielding that weapon. you know, cain killed abel. that's a problem that we have. and i said, what we need to do is look into how we can stop those things, you know. they talked about doing a disinformation. what about getting a department that can look at young men that's looking at -- or women -- looking at just social media? what about doing that? looking into things like that. we could stop that that way. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did he play without a helmet? [ laughter and applause ] that was quite a journey through the mind he took us on. [ laughter ]
so we can stop doing a disinformation and get a department of looking into these men that's looking at women. [ laughter ] and we should be fine. the guy who endorsed herschel for senate is having a bad day. an appeals court in new york ruled that donald, ivanka, and don jr., the trumps, have to sit for depositions as part of the state investigation into their family business. the state didn't call eric. they called eric once and they decided not to do it again, because when eric trump pleads the fifth, he pleads "this many." [ laughter ] and it's annoying. they said, we're going to leave him out of this one. [ applause ] they did summon don, ivanka, and don jr. you can summon don jr. at home by saying the words "monster energy drink" three times in a mirror. he will appear. [ laughter ] you know, i mentioned the other night that in her new book, former trump adviser
kellyanne conway claims she was one of the only people who told trump he lost to joe biden. and of course, trump says she's lying. he posted on truth social. guessing you missed it because no one's on it. [ laughter ] he posted -- "kellyanne conway never told me that she thought we lost the election. if she had, i wouldn't have dealt with her any longer. she would have been wrong. could go back to her crazy husband. writing books can make people say some very strange things. i wonder why?" i don't know. maybe ask the author of "think big and kick ass." [ laughter ] he might have an answer for you. [ applause ] we are also getting more details about what tannibal lecter was doing during the riot on january 6th. according to "the new york times," while his supporters were running around the capitol yelling, "hang mike pence!" looking for mike pence because he wouldn't overturn the election. trump's former chief of staff, mark meadows, informed his colleagues that trump agreed with that statement. in fairness, "the times" also noted that "it is not clear what tone mr. trump was said to have used."
when agreeing. maybe he was just joshing, you know? [ laughter ] about hanging his vice president. we've all done it, don't act like -- [ laughter and applause ] let me go out on a limb on trump's tone. i'm guessing it was "clapping and cheering with chunks of an arby's beef and cheddar flying out of his mouth." [ laughter ] the january 6th committee has also gathered testimony that says that mark meadows used the fireplace in his office to burn documents. meadows was burning documents and trump was flushing them down the toilet. all perfectly normal white house behavior. [ laughter ] no crimes committed there whatsoever! [ cheers and applause ] and while trump plays golf at mar-a-lago, there are plenty of crimes happening in his home state, where once again it is time for a new installment of "this week in florida." >> this is going to be mcinteresting. look right here. she's a pretty lady. but she was mcmad.
there was no calming her down. she was in a mcrage. i don't know, she was like two fries short of a happy meal. she acted like a mcnut. which you know what she ended up? a mcburglar. she managed to get herself into a lot of mctrouble. and you can make money just by helping us find this lady who went mccrazy for no mcreason. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what the mc[ bleep ]? [ laughter ] i'd love to have been in a brainstorming session when that idea got cooked up. mcdonald's, by the way, is now in business with kanye west. for real. i guess they saw all his social media posts threatening to kill pete davidson and thought, "maybe he could do that for us." look out, burger king! [ laughter ] kanye has so much beef, they're turning them into big macs. [ laughter ]
ye announced on instagram that he is helping to "reimagine mcdonald's packaging." this is one of the packages he's reimagined. i don't know. kind of looks like a burger being held hostage in dexter's kill room. [ laughter ] i don't know that the food at mcdonalds needs new packaging. what kanye should be working on is this guy. [ laughter ] he could use a wardrobe update. something like this! right? [ laughter ] from mayor mcyeez. one more thing before we continue. it is thursday night which means it's time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. it's "this week in unnecessary censorship." [ cheers and applause ] >> answers from republicans, from our former senator to our current governor, is to [ bleep ]ing the problems that are [ bleep ]ing georgia. >> we have breaking news from president biden this morning. at a press conference in tokyo, he appeared to [ bleep ] a big [ bleep ].
>> based on all of this, is it mostly men involved in these intimate relations who are more likely to [ bleep ], [ bleep ] monkeypox? >> we did a lot of work when i was secretary of state. we put a lot of [ bleep ], [ bleep ] the taiwanese. >> besides the acting and th relationships and the comedy and the drama of this, the [ bleep ] scenes that you guys are in, you can't fake that. >> no. >> i grew up in alabama, brother. i know how to [ bleep ] a horse. >> when did you last [ bleep ] putin? >> awhile ago, i don't know. >> you didn't think i would sit quietly forever? are you ready? [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> cactus [ bleep ]ers. ♪ good night ladies we're going to [ bleep ] you now ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. we've got a good show for you tonight. the miz is with us.
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there. tonight, from "miz and mrs.," he is a two-time wwe wrestling champion. the miz is with us. then later, a multi-platinum artist from medellin. his album is called "dharma." sebastian yatra from the mercedes eq stage. [ cheers and applause ] you can see sebastian on the dharma tour -- i wonder if that's related to "lost"? starting august 25 in this sugar land, texas. check him out there. next week, we've got new shows with queen latifah and
bill burr. we have music from pusha t and trixie mattel and shakey graves. and we'll also be in primetime for our annual before and after the nba finals shows. "jimmy kimmel live" game night." featuring adam sandler, chris evans, chris pratt, samuel l. jackson, steve martin, martin short, selena gomez, and more. as if we needed more. we know you need more, and we're going to give you that more. our first guest tonight is a talented woman who comes from the land down under. you know her from "bridesmaids" and "neighbors" and now she gets physical again on "physical." season 2 premieres one week from friday on apple tv plus. please say hello to rose byrne. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hi, nice to see you. >> jimmy: how are you? it's like you're wearing your dad's coat or something. [ laughter ] >> i know, i'm trying to look
like david byrne, 1984, that kind of thing. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> that's what i'm going for. >> jimmy: you look great. whatever the look it is, it's fantastic. >> it's roomy, really roomy. >> jimmy: it is really, yeah. might want to get that tailored a little bit. >> i know, i know. look at this fabric, i can hide. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. do you go back home to australia a lot? or are you mostly here? >> we live in new york, but we went back during the first year of the pandemic. that first fabulous year. we went back, bobby shot "nine perfect strangers," my partner. >> jimmy: bobby canavale, who i don't know well. i like him when i see him. >> he's a gem, he's a gem. we were back there a good period of time, four months, which is lovely. >> jimmy: they really locked things down there. >> yeah, pretty strict, yeah. >> jimmy: the only people they let in was you guys are really. [ laughter ]
your family owns a farm of some kind? >> yes, yes, they have a farm in tasmania, a garlic farm. >> jimmy: so bobby is a -- italian and cuban? >> yeah, his mom is from cuba, yeah. >> jimmy: is his italian side of the family excited about the garlic farm? [ laughter ] i think they would be. >> well -- not really, actually. >> jimmy: not really? >> i don't know exactly. but yeah, no, his mom is great. she's lovely, isabel. she doesn't really understand much of -- sometimes. >> jimmy: oh, because of the accent? >> yeah. >> jimmy: does she have an accent? >> yeah. >> jimmy: then you have an accent? >> i do. do i? do i have an accent? [ laughter ] little bit? >> jimmy: and then -- that's interesting. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i would imagine to his mom, we all have an accent, right? >> yeah, she's been here for a while. 50 years. >> jimmy: oh, so you're saying she should understand what you're saying. >> no, she does. [ laughter ]usif talking reallyasshe'll be hat, sa" but bobby doesn't understand what i say. >> jimmy: bobby, does he act as the translator?
>> he would just be like, "stop." or "stall her." you know. i'll say to bobby, "can you pass me" the -- "chuck me the sunnies" or something. he'll be, "what did you say?" >> jimmy: what that is? >> what? chuck me the sunnies? >> jimmy: now i don't understand what you're saying. [ laughter ] all of a sudden i'm on their side. what is that? what does that mean? >> "throw me my sunglasses." >> jimmy: your sunglasses are sunnies? i've never heard that before. >> you haven't heard of that? >> jimmy: have we heard of that? [ audience: yes, no ] now we've started a fight in the audience. [ laughter ] i wanted to mention this. i think this is kind of crazy. first of all, it's the 20-year anniversary of "star wars episode 2: attack of the clones." you were in this movie. [ cheers and applause ] there you are right there with
natalie portman and jar jar binks. ise >> what happened to this guy? >> jimmy: well, he got poked in the eye, i guess, i don't know. [ laughter ] do you remember -- what do you remember about making this movie? >> well, it was -- it was amazing. it was shot in australia. it was many years ago. so serious. >> jimmy: sure, you were in "star wars," yeah. >> very dramatic. and it was like -- yeah, wild. i was natalie's handmaiden. yeah, it was amazing. >> jimmy: were you like a "star wars" person? >> i -- i'm not -- >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] it's okay. have you shown this -- you have two young kids. >> don't tell anybody that. >> jimmy: how olding your kids? >> my children are 6 and 4. we just saw -- bobby recently showed them the first "star wars." which i didn't know -- i was in a prequel. >> jimmy: what do you mean, you didn't know that you were in a prequel? >> i thought the "star wars" enterprise started from, you know, the princess leia.
>> jimmy: wait a minute. up until when you didn't know this? [ laughter ] >> last week. that's right. >> jimmy: last week, you found out -- >> i'm going to show them "star wars," watch the thing. he's putting on the one with jar jar binks. i'm like, why aren't you showing them the one with princess leia? he's like, i'm starting from the beginning. i was like, isn't that the beginning? he said, no, that's -- no, that's the middle. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you were in this movie. >> i was. and i didn't know it was the prequel. maybe at the time i did. >> jimmy: just now, 20 years later, found out it was a prequel? >> didn't know it was a prequel. [ laughter ] now i'm telling this story. yeah, i know. >> jimmy: wow. almost like you were rated on a garlic farm. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> but i wasn't. but i wasn't. i wasn't raised on a garlic farm. i'm from the city. i just forgot. [ laughter ] i think i forgot. >> jimmy: can we blame -- >> it is a bit confusing because -- >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ]
>> no? it's a little bit confusing. the middle one is the old fashioned one. you think that was made -- like i'm just going chronologically in life. >> jimmy: i could see how it would be confusing maybe to bobby's mom, who's older, and from cuba. from somebody who's actually in the movie, no. [ laughter ] >> i am a good actress, i promise you! >> jimmy: a very good actress, you turned out. [ cheers and applause ] rose byrne is here. her show is "physical." we'll be right back. >> lou: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by smirnoff.
and get another for just a buck as an executive at top financial firms, yiu managed hundreds of audits. as mayor, yiu saved taxpayes over $55 millio. finding waste. saving money. yiu is for you. ♪ ♪ thousands of women with metastatic breast cancer... are living in the moment and taking ibrance. ibrance with an aromatase inhibitor is for postmenopausal women or for men with hr+/her2- metastatic breast cancer as the first hormonal based therapy. ibrance plus letrozole significantly delayed disease progression versus letrozole. ibrance may cause low white blood cell counts that may lead to serious infections. ibrance may cause severe inflammation of the lungs. both of these can lead to death. tell your doctor if you have new or worsening chest pain, cough, or trouble breathing. before taking ibrance, tell your doctor if you have fever, chills, or other signs of infection,... liver or kidney problems,
okay, let's try this one more time. hi! yeah, sheila rubin is the name. oh, you've already heard of me? you're kidding. i had no idea anybody knew who i was. embarrassing. i'm just a fitness instructor, but i love what i do. the dress? oh, i've had it forever. it's actually -- it's really comfortable. it's this piece -- [ knocking ] just a second! all right, can't hide in here all night. need to get out there, give it a spin. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we are back with rose byrne. that is "physical." season 2 premieres a week from friday on apple tv plus. that's a really good show. it's fun to watch. i love that '80s stuff. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that era. you play an aerobics instructor. >> i do, i play sheila rubin, an aspiring aerobics instructor.
it looks like the beginning of the self-help movement and wellness movement, which is like obviously now so flooded with a million apps and websites from goop to companies like spanx or whatever. >> jimmy: yeah. >> this is sort of looking at that time -- >> jimmy: used to be just a vhs tape. >> exactly. women didn't have workout gear, they would make their own leotards. make their own, you know -- >> jimmy: i do that, actually. [ laughter ] >> yeah get that right fit. >> jimmy: sit down with my singer and whip one out. i didn't know that, they would make their own leotards? >> it was just ballet wear, or make it themselves. because they didn't have -- >> jimmy: wow. >> there was no athleisure, stuff like that. sheila is a burgeoning -- she wants to start her brand as a wellness -- you know. >> jimmy: jane fonda was the first one? >> she was one, jenny craig was another huge one. >> jimmy: she had a -- >> she was the diet. >> jimmy: she had the diet, yeah, right. >> suzanne somers is another one. >> jimmy: jenny craig is a real person? [ laughter ] i don't know, thought it was kind of like mrs. butterworth or something. [ laughter ] >> and you think i'm stupid
because i didn't know i was in a prequel? jenny craig is a real person. >> jimmy: are you sure she's a real person? >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: okay. have you met her? >> no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: never seen her? she could be a hoax, it could be fake news. [ laughter ] then there was -- who else? elle mcpherson had a tape. >> cindy crawford. that was a tape i did in australia in the '90s. i did a bit of cindy crawford. >> jimmy: set it up in your living room? >> oh, yeah. she had a very sophisticated take. >> jimmy: how often would you do it? an everyday type of thing? >> i would try to do it once a week. i guess. i was 12, i don't know what i was doing. but yeah, it was, you know -- she was in the cut-offs, went from black and white to color. that was more '90s. this show is firmly early '80s. >> jimmy: did you feel like you were getting any exercise when you were doing that? >> the tape? >> jimmy: yeah. >> yeah. i mean, i think so. >> jimmy: i don't know.?- [ laughter ] i think about those richard simmons videos. i actually went with richard once to one of his -- >> you did?
>> jimmy: yeah, so his thing. he's got a place, or he had a place. i don't think my heart rate moved even one beat. >> it was more of a gentle workout. >> jimmy: it was a very gentle, like an old person -- >> elderly, yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: maybe a workout for somebody who spends most of their time on a rascal scooter, that's what i get. [ laughter ] >> yeah, yeah, more sort of evangelical. like a lot of emotional stuff. >> jimmy: this was a lot of the positivity. >> yeah, "keep it up, up, up." >> jimmy: i feel good about myself, like i killed that thing, i didn't sweat in the least! [ laughter ] speaking of fitness, i want to just quickly show something. you just made a movie. >> oh, yes. >> jimmy: we have a photograph. you play an elvis impersonator. this is going to be a little confusing. look real close. that's rose as elvis presley. and who's playing dolly parton? >> i produced a film with my production company, dollhouse
pictures, in australia in 2020 called "seriously red." and this crew boylan plays a character called raeleen, who is an aspiring dolly impercent nater. i play an elvis impersonator. >> jimmy: not just thin, young elvis. [ laughter ] funny to see elvis using a cell phone. [ applause ] a little weird, right? >> yeah, a little behind the scenes, yeah. >> jimmy: this could be a coffee table book. people who never had cell phones using cell phones. [ laughter ] >> yes. yeah. i think i can toured his essence. >> jimmy: do you do an elvis impression? >> i mean, i tried my hardest. you know, talking a little bit like him, low voice, hey, hello, sweetie. like that. >> jimmy: do you sing in the film? >> a little bit. a little bit. yes, we just sold the film, actually, so we're thrilled, we're hoping it will come out later this year. >> jimmy: excellent. it's very good to see you. >> oh, thank you. >> jimmy: please give my best to bobby and his mother.
>> i will. >> jimmy: rose byrne. season 2 of "physical" premieres a week from friday on apple tv plus. we'll be back with the miz! what's with the double mcnuggets? oh, this one's my backup in case something happens to the first one. mmm. see. buy one favorite like 10 piece chicken mcnuggets and get another for just a buck right now at mcdonald's.
♪ we could walk forever ♪ ( ♪♪ ) ♪ walking on ♪ ♪ walking on the moon ♪ ♪ some ♪ ♪ may say ♪ ♪ i'm wishing my days away ♪ ♪ no way ♪ ♪ walking on the moon ♪ oh! you're doing it wrong, man! what's wrong with action figures? nothing, except buying them without capital one shopping. what's that? samuel... mr. l... jackson. capital one shopping instantly searches for available coupon codes and automatically applies them. just download it to your computer. whoa! you're my hero. yeah... i can tell. you like it?
i look good in miniature. capital one shopping... it's kinda genious. (in s.l.j. voice) what's in your wallet? i don't say it like that, devin. if you don't repaint every now and then, it's like the old you is still hanging around. younger zoe: i'm listening to music. so today let's paint... ...with behr, and make your home, yours. right now, get america's most trusted paint brand. starting at $28.98.
♪ sweet ♪ ♪ emotion ♪ ♪ sweet... ♪ now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. who do you think you are, taking up space? making a scene, and indulging yourself? oh, right. you're you. tj maxx. where you can afford to be you to the maxx it was a tragedy. with knockoff batteries, little miss cupcake never stood a chance.
for controller, yvonne yiu. the num as an executive atting top financial firms, yiu managed hundreds of audits. as mayor, yiu saved taxpayes over $55 millio. finding waste. saving money. yiu is for you. "jimmy kimmel live's" jokes increased by 19% while our hilarity increased by 31%, which is a double-digit rise in hilarity from this time last year. so that's good.
any questions? hey! wake up! >> i'm sorry, jimmy. were you still talking? >> jimmy: yes. i'm still talking. i said "any questions?" >> yeah, i have some questions for you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what? >> jimmy. >> jimmy: yeah? : iehy f summer officer, kaley cuoco. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, please, please. my friends, only my friends call me that. >> jimmy: oh. >> look at this. bar graphs and pie charts? are you kidding me? >> jimmy: well, yeah, i am kind of kidding you. as you can see, our hilarity increased by 31% in q2, whereas the jokes are only 19%, so that's -- >> jimmy, jimmy, jimmy. come on, you've got to stop. summer is almost here and you guys are nowhere near ready for it. >> jimmy: oh. >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay, you heard the lady. summer is cancelled, everyone. go home. >> no, not yet. listen. i'm going to show you how to
summer grown-up edition. okay? step one, no more boring meetings! >> jimmy: okay. >> and step two, actually relax. >> jimmy: wow. why am i the only one dressed like a nerd? [ laughter ] thank you for destroying our conference room, kaley. >> no problem. >> guys! yeah! [ cheers and applause ] check it, this just in. summer fun up 2 million percent! [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah! >> lou: smirnoff wants you to enjoy being a grownup. make sure you enjoy your summer. give me one of your mcnuggets... si quieres un mcnugget, just ask for it.
tú tienes el toque... now go and deja tu huella. it's a cheetos thing. one day, you might wake up and think... time for a change. when your friend asks, want to try this place? and you say you know what, let's try this place instead. no sticky floor here. when you realize you've never seen a broadway show, so maybe you'll treat your parents. they'll think it's neat. this is neat. so neat. when you say i'm gonna go to daytona bea- nope. i'm gonna go to the caribbean! or is it... the caribbe-an? and it's almost too beautiful to post... almost. with amex, it's never a question of if you're going to level up. it's when. i'm what you call a boutique hotel. i'm looking to provide a more unique experience.
♪ it's a lovely day today ♪ we need to do this ♪ so whatever you've got to do ♪ ♪ you've got a lovely day to do it in, that's true ♪ [ chuckling ] ♪ and i hope whatever you've got to do ♪ ♪ is something that... ♪ [ music stops ] [ beeping ] cars built with safety in mind, even for those guys. the volkswagen atlas with standard front assist. ♪ ♪
♪ >> jimmy: listen, you know how to make an entrance. [ laughter ] >> being a wwe superstar about 18 years, i better know how to do an entrance. >> jimmy: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] that's part of the deal, i guess. >> that is part of the deal, honestly. whenever i go out there, it's about creating moments that will last a lifetime. so hopefully we'll give them a little something today. >> jimmy: let's talk about this show of yours. because the premise of the show is when two wrestlers marry and then have a family, not just your immediate family, your extended family like your mom and mother-in-law who lived in your house, right? >> yes, they were living in our house in our guesthouse. >> jimmy: that alone is -- well, it's a problem. [ laughter ] >> i thought it was a good idea. >> jimmy: did you?
>> i really thought -- think about it, a 4-year-old, 2 1/2-year-old, madison monroe, the keys to my heart. they will be with their grandmothers all the time, how amazing would that be? >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> then a week in -- [ laughter ] the house was empty and quiet. margeau, my wife's mother, took the kids out. oh, wow, this might be a good time to have adult time with my wife. >> jimmy: i gotcha. >> so we went upstairs, and we were in, how do you say, mid-conversation. >> jimmy: uh-huh? [ laughter ] >> and i hear a knock on the door. but the way my mother knocks on the door is usually a knock with an open and "hello." luckily there's a wall. and i was like, "mom, no, mom, mom, mom, no!" but she didn't see what happened. but she knows what happened. >> jimmy: she knows what happened. >> here's how i know she knew what happened.
the next day, margeau comes to me -- she's french canadian. she was like, "mike, would you and marie, what you were doing was very natural --" [ laughter ] first off, one, i don't need the birds and the bees from you, i'm a 40-year-old man! and two, why is my mom telling other people what happened! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] so i was like, all right. all right. i love you guys. but we need to get you out of the house. >> jimmy: you have to go. >> now they're close enough but not that close. >> jimmy: are they still together? >> no, no. >> jimmy: they're separated? >> separate places. >> jimmy: that alone is potential disaster. >> a whole other experience. >> jimmy: yeah, right. you started on "the real world" when you were a kid? >> 20 years old. >> jimmy: 20 years old. then when you go from "the real world" to the world of wrestling, which is very -- these guys in wwe, these are talented guys. >> very talented. >> jimmy: physically imposing -- >> are you trying to say being on "the real world," i wasn't talented?
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, not at all. it did turn out you were. if i was a wrestler and some kid from "the real world" came into my world, i would be skeptical. did you experience that? >> did i experience that? i got kicked out of locker rooms. do you want to know why, jimmy? >> jimmy: sure. >> eating a piece of chicken. >> jimmy: you got kicked out of the locker room for eating chicken? was it someone else's chicken? >> it was my chicken. i was sitting down in the locker room, eating a piece of chicken. someone walks in, "you're eating over my bag." was i? to him, i was. to me, i was not. >> jimmy: okay. >> however, that parlayed into, miz is eating a piece of chicken, getting it all over people's bag. another person, miz is in the locker room, throwing chicken around the locker room. so i ended up getting kicked out of the locker room. >> jimmy: you were not allowed -- where would you change if you were out of the locker room? >> broom closets. >> jimmy: really? >> there's amazing broom closets in arenas. [ laughter ]
the next question is, do broom closets have bathrooms? no, they do not, i don't know if you knew that. >> jimmy: where would you go to the bathroom? >> sometimes i would go out into the public area, and i'd be in a stall, and i would hear kids like, "i think the miz just went in there." [ laughter ] another kid, "no way! let's wait for him!" in my head i'm going, oh my god. meanwhile, i've got to be out in the audience, making an entrance -- >> jimmy: right, yeah. >> in five minutes. >> jimmy: this is not the entrance you want to make. >> no, it's not. you get out of the stall, you want to say hello but you don't want to shake anyone's hands. >> jimmy: no. >> you've got to wash your hands. i don't know if you have the technique down. i definitely have the whole technique down. >> jimmy: you have no idea. [ laughter ] by the way, you're not doing it right. >> really? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we'll go after that on commercial. >> you go like this? >> jimmy: in between the things, get the thumb, get the other thumb. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: on the backs of the hands, back to hands -- >> they didn't know they were going to get a whole class. >> jimmy: they didn't know.
they had no idea how clean the two guys they were watching are. >> really. >> jimmy: eventually they let you back in. or did they? >> i got let back in about six months later. and honestly, it turned everything around. i honestly became one of the most successful wwe superstars ever. [ cheers and applause ] i'm the only two-time grand slam champion in the history of wwe. not hulk hogan. not the rock. not john cena. the miz, the only two-time grand slam champion. [ cheers and applause ]the scre. you had a match against ray mysterio and who else? >> that's not ray mysterio. >> jimmy: what happened was, your teammate was logan paul. you turned on logan paul at the end of this. >> i did. >> jimmy: yeah. and what is this move here? [ cheers ] this is a great photograph. >> that is the skull crushing finale. what happens is your skull hits the mat, it's basically crushing. it's the last thing. it's the finale. skull crushing finale. >> jimmy: why did you decide to crush logan paul's skull?
>> look, logan paul has a huge fan base. people that love him. >> jimmy: yes. >> but he also has people that want to see his face hit the mat. >> jimmy: right. >> and i am a person that i give people what they want. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i create moments that last a lifetime. >> jimmy: okay, okay. but wouldn't it be your opponent's job to crush his skull? >> it would. but i like to have the moment. i like to be in the spotlight. by the way, the entire -- it's very difficult to make me a good guy. i have been a bad guy for 18 years in wwe. i am bad out of the building, i am chanted "you suck" all the time. when logan paul came in and i hit that skull crushing finale, people celebrated. >> jimmy: i see. >> except for one person in the audience. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: really, who is the one person in the audience who did not -- >> skull crushing finale, i'm celebrating myself. i look to my left, i see jake paul just like this. and i'm thinking, oh -- this guy's going to hop the barricade, if he does, i'm going to knock him out, be the first
that does it. [ laughter ] could have been a two fer but he didn't. he didn't. >> jimmy: it's nice to see brothers loving each other. >> right. >> jimmy: very good to see you the show coming back on june 6th. "miz & mrs." premieres june 6th on usa network, and watch wwe's "money in the bank" july 2nd at 8:00 on peacock. the miz. we'll be back with sebastian yatra! >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by the "s" class from mercedes-benz.
you may not know the spirit of islay, where we make the botanist islay dry gin... it's the spirit of remote scotland. the spirit of wild, hand-foraged botanicals. of neighbors working together at an award-winning distillery. but you can feel the spirit of islay in every bar and restaurant near you. in every owner or bartender, striving to keep the lights on and the regulars happy. today, the businesses you love still need your help. please join the botanist and the independent restaurant coalition, and share in the spirit of community. out-of-state corporations wrote and share in the spirit an online sports betting plan they call "solutions for the homeless". really? the corporations take 90 percent of the profits. and using loopholes they wrote,
they'd take even more. the corporations' own promotional costs, like free bets, taken from the homeless funds. and they'd get a refund on their $100 million license fee, taken from homeless funds, too. these guys didn't write a plan for the homeless. they wrote it for themselves. >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes eq. all electric, all mercedes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks to rose byrne and the miz. apologies to matt damon, he's out of luck again. "nightline" is next but first -- his album is called "dharma." here with the song "tacones rojos," sebastian yatra! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ there's a light in my window ♪ ♪ a smile on my face you've given me a new life ♪ ♪ a new day oh, your love is
like magic yeah ♪ ♪ i feel like i can fly i'm kissing the sky ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ you're my piece of the sun i'm in heaven when i watch ♪ ♪ you dance to reggaeton with your red heels high ♪ ♪ baby, you're making me dance, i feel so alive ♪ ♪ then you hurt me so good think i'm 'bout to cry ♪ ♪ i feel so lucky lovely ♪ ♪ i never met somebody who could love me like you ♪ ♪ love me in heels so high ba da da da da da da ya ya ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ you got me so intoxicated
it's the love i've been waiting for ♪ ♪ me and you, we're so meant to be ♪ ♪ it's just the start of our story ♪ ♪ we'll never be sorry like i told you baby ♪ ♪ you should leave here with me, i got something ♪ ♪ good for you come home, let me show you ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ you're my piece of the sun i'm in heaven when i watch ♪ ♪ you dance to reggaeton with your red heels high ♪ ♪ baby, you're making me dance, i feel so alive ♪ ♪ you hurt me so good think i'm 'bout to cry ♪ ♪ yeah i feel so lucky lovely ♪ ♪ i never met somebody who could love me like you ♪ ♪ love me in heels so high ba da da da da da da ya ya ♪ [ singing in spanish ]
♪ you're my piece of the sun i'm in heaven when i watch ♪ ♪ you dance to reggaeton with your red heels high ♪ ♪ baby, you're making me dance, i feel so alive ♪ ♪ then you hurt me so good think i'm 'bout to cry ♪ ♪ ooh, i feel so lucky lovely ♪ ♪ i never met somebody who could love me like you ♪ ♪ love me in heels so high ba da da da da da da ya ya ♪ ♪ i never met somebody i never met somebody ♪ ♪ da da da da da da ♪ ♪ i never met somebody ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ yeah yeah ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
♪ this is "nightline." >> tonight, the growing outrage. >> i'll go in without a gun! >> as new video emerges of panicked parents outside robb elementary desperately trying to save their kids during the shootings. >> i just wanted to hold my daughter. i could have -- ran inside, do something myself. i would have. >> the new revelations about how the gunman entered the school and what we're learning about the agonizing hour of terror before border patrol agents killed him. >> they say they rushed in all that, like, we didn't see that. the latest on brittney griner, the wnba all-star detained for nearly 100 days in russia.