tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 3, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST
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heers and applse)hey!y! thanks so muc welcome to t t "lalahow,"" everybody! ipamtephen colbert. and not onlylyould i like to ome yoyoyo thehstoght, t i'd likekekeoffer a a ecial lcome to a aronaut s s skelly, whohoyesterday, returneddtotoarth after a record 340 days in sce. congratulation scott. (cheand applause) can't wasee yaa! becacae he was up the for so long, nasasas now studyiyi the efefctat prolonged weighthtness has o oththhuman dy-ynd, this i#iscatitg h hreturn t t chesesaller thananhen n lef hopefully, that extra height will give this navy caain anan asonont t mefidee.( (lghtete this extrarawowoves ly t t trary, @ @t hope he takes this opsortunity be weon all t rid at the
until he shhnknk okay inis, 340 dayss a long time t tbebefflanen% and re-integrati with our culture ght comes a shock. so i want t help scott catcupup onof thehengs he m msese in t last year scott, m w wt writeomom of ts down okay? rst off, thanknkto taylor swift, n n leaea t t t gis s s trav in n at are calledua it's le a murder of crows. apsqof girls. squads havgoals.s. my goal to be in a squad. back in junu, peoplelelerted whipping and naeaeing. >> j: at w nice. tephen: : ip nae-nae. d now that i he done it,
"hulu hump." what else? oh, you really do nonolike -- the iareat m mvie e lled "the mtian," reallyyakes youfeel le youinin space. anjustefore u nded, , vealed that ty p pry is dadada orlan bloom. we a thinkinof gng with te-lando bloom-ber. oh, and of coue therers s s presidential re thth y yr!$& d it's going....ood.it's going good.d. (lauauter) don't look it up. aughter) and you are e c#ust t time r the great ve for eaeaeatonighgh (cheers and d d ause) rsrs we have got beloved actor
meloni! (cheers and applause) thth i il tao o e momo cent ripnt othe medal of hor, ny senini c c cdwar s anapplse) d 'll haha a mumic performance from ray lamontagn ( ( ndlayiyi ) hehe geg dowo!o! it's jon batiste ay human. say y , evevybod ( apause ) my friteaa! they're about to light this recracr, butefore they do, ope mo thing: a manhattan poli horsesehrew its officer@ to the ground and n looso#for ten minutes after beinooked by ad no offifials say y w wl never hahaen again as long as new york city \ esn't have anyre noises. @ >>nnouer: t tniniststheneelces.
but i could l tten to that sgicicin aiit!t! (cheers and apse)ott key may have missed aa lot of theherededeial rac so r,r,ut there islenty more for m top oncause in the ne feweeksp,five more states wl weigh in t t presideial elelti:: mian, ohio, , uisiana, nebrasas and floloda in floda, they wl cast t tir votes ththtradadiol y, by ti for whoever looks more like their grandson.(laughter)r)r) but even then, we still l n't even be halfway through the primimimprococ whicicmeans thth i the roado the white house! >> i just nt a job! juststete a jo@ ptephen: well, he might get on beecause nald tru's b bin on super tuday has madedeteclclr thth
republbl party, anthat has sentnthe republican establishment into a aanic. they do not t nt to be with is guy,utututoters are e o sing this. it l le an arranged marriage. d li trump's other rriaias, thione e uld last eighd ueararar (lghter) (applausus they hav w wken up i bed wiwhh this guuy, bt t tyee n n n takg itng dowowow (laughter) instce, if t tmp is the@ nominee, republican sesete jorityr mitch mccoco ws thahahacoea rohim likeke hot rock." icicic a huge sacrice foff mee who is part tortoise.. that's his favorite baskskg spot! ght there! odayin a deseste bid totop trump from getting the minaon, thth tried aew
>> here's what know: donald trump is anya fraud.d. >> stephen: that rightht fad g g a monsterthe p. had ly one c cice. >> "relelee thromn!" (laughter) (applause) >> s0hen: yes, they oke the sealn mittyperbaric gnitamber, he brbrght the pain >>ow, i'm far from the firststst to c cclcle thatadonald trump lacks s e temperent to be president. you y wait, it, wait, , n't a hugugsiness scecs doest t w what hs talkinabout? no, hehese't a, no, he dodon' what er happen t ttrumum aiineses hohoabout t t p univsity? d d en there'srump magazine.d ump vodkdm arump ststks, and trp p rtgage. a busine genius, he is not. >> stephenzr. trump has put s nana on some
foexexple, four r ars s o, he endorsed mitt romnmn!! (applause) all in all, very powerl statement from a member of the repupuican establishme.. leles see how trump's supporters responded. ( roars >> stephen: oh, atight, mitt. ey want to fstn your esh. but at doesn'tean romn doesn't have a r rgh and tumble plan t/ save thehearty. hehenows there's a way to stop trump frometting t t number ofof dulegateteheeeds at thee nvention. >> i believe we can nominate a person w can win t t general election and w w will represent the values andndolics of nservatism. given the current delegate selection press, that ueans that i'd ve for marcrubio o flida and r john kasich ohio, and fofoted cruz or
ntenenrs has the best chchce to bear. t tmp i ia given statat@ tephwhatatn sping ssagfothe world' eaeastememcyfor r o yoinououou president, ve for whicicverr candidata in your stste has the besthae of keeping tmp fromting delegateses it's a sysysm ofn emplplededy bros in n n hat rhesesit "clock bckck (laughr)r) and i know there'sangry republicic base out there, but thisisuy says it is e only to se democracy from the voters.after you u temaybe you willget a sticicr thththays, "i what mitt roey told me to."" (laughter) this game of ganging up against the populay who's winng,at's not democra.
you honely t you are going to be beerert this than him? it like saying, "you kw th wa fixixur great white shark prlem m , get in the w wer with him.but t rst let me p o omy ham." ump p not runningng political-- thhx's the h h h.. (laughter) trump is not running a pilical campaiai. he's a qlity scontestantnt who's establishehehimself as a villain to polize dience, then do ater i takes s make ito the final trtral cncil tget the e sethat lhim ve s s sititth top chef. (applause) then you get to name a supre court stice in t fansy itit aughter) les juststay for a ainute this plala s sp trp work who th could the r rublins
the guys who lost? thth doesn't seem righth you need someonenehoho been leletimatm chosen by rerebl v verer hold on minute! mitt, why dn't you tnk of this? mimi, , don't know if this h h occurred to you, but you fit th d dcription! oh, do it, mit don't thininabout it, just gath uppheng, t f family, er up tagg and blittnd gu and tupp, strap dog to ththcar anheadado the convon. i'm ready. (cheers and apatause) i've stiot allllinds ofstuff from 2012. i've still g g my gangnam st cd, mymyinsanity shirt and my ofalalortrait o& mitt romney on t ts just for men b. colo de horse. wewel beight back withth christopher rfni!
is is a chick car.r. this is a gay car. this is a short mamas ca this is a cute car slow car. this isisilele g, professioiol's car. is car haso streetetred. thth carin'tip hop! kidless. cute. l. this coesn't care atou call it. hoho they make starb tatasosocy? theyeyse wicked small fighter jets tool t t juicinein ery surst. pilot ] it'sbout to get juicy.
it t tes guts. [ fele announc starburst. uxplainably juicy. pain froyour day canau youat nig, , n'let ititadl l gives y the h hling sleep you nfed,, helping you fall aslslp and stay aslslsl our body can heal as you rere.. advil pm. for a heingnight's mgoshie'rke gh.(knos oohoy? i'm m g m aimom. hahahaye it's jusrp teenhter? get bbing bus. kill 18.104.22.168.ges and destroy ime. th scrububng bububes for 100% problem solold.
itct to centylylk prism tvtt and d t the s me gre channels cable gives you, wiout having to deal with cable. yes and? and...there's whololme dvr. us tons of on mand options so y y can watch whatever, whenever. yes and? why dodoououuys keep saying ? it t t f fst r%reof i irov. by sayin"y a," we a aept e reitcreaead by o o oedy partnersrspaulv yes,p,ig, i know.. do you? fe like a hohohoood insir with prismv frfr centurylk. (cheers ananapapause) >tephen: welcome e ckck my first guest t tight is a talented actororho now starss
television drama "undergrounun ababt a group raway slaves and escsce to freedom. >> whyou d thh? lp peopleikee? >> i got a boy. nanaen. 12 y y y old. he dsn't'tow the world is a hars andnfai place. i'm afraidhe ain't no chananng that. i suppe when i comem to it, i'm just thinknk of his ptutu. sph: ease welcome ristopher meloli. (cheers and applausese >> sphen: you're the gue. nstou sit first. >>haha you.
might to stroro yououou fore thissnterview is over. th t t is j jt so l%l%lrious. >> it's named one of the all-time gre gooees. >> sphen: thi just came out -- christophph m%mloni's at willypypzeou. congratulationon >> tna y y v vy much. pplause)e) >> steph: it's likome alaln creaea is goinggo take over you fe and sarted with thea around d ur moouth. (cheerd applause) me just see something here. cosld i ay --eah. (applause) 's hok you test i. thanks foromimi. nice to see you. >> i'm s huge fan of yurs!
i such a huge f f of yours!s! >>tephen: well, thank yo a a n of yours. >> i come here toa. tttne? >> stephen: that ts y urs, , thk. >> i've omeme toawn. >> ste d't t t m mto you! you'r'r ecthat thonds,ha ertnment ne ye smart, you're always sm-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: diddife k u the to say thaha >> no. stephen: that iry nice getethat kind of s supportm somee who isis known to be a tough g gy. you have a reputation, you py lo ofoughuys. >> yeah, y y. >> stephen: i. ts showowlware u aood guy o aad guy in.n.
at,,om befofo it't' over >> yhe's a guy c cghtt up i i i i t t slavereryst, the m mn econic system thhe the south in g gora in 1857 a guy trying to raise hisyear-old bod it' tough cicistances. >> sphph: so good guy orrad y? 're talkg slalary here a you do ha to pic a aide these days. >> well, you kw, y y do the best youan undnrnrhe circumstances. it climate change.eryoneanan d d d dhatat right for the eartuto wealwaysyso what'tt for the earth? >> stephph: no. ifife d w'sforthe eartrt w wwoulultutu allhesese lightff. >> okay,good guy or bad g g >> stephen y ym tohink i'i' a gooduy. wl, t ds onenee of the ststy, though. >> stephen: yoy actuallll in your lifve bee aough guy. were you anc? >eaee tt's how i made m my money. i came to new york be an actor and immedtely wenenen
made $40 a nht thrwing pepople out b bs. ph: $404a n nght? w wn't an houjly wage? >> it wasn'n'$ it wasas cs, thomg >>tephph: ififere cominin up to t get into the cluluu wod u have l m m in? au >> no. tephen: why not?? what is it about m >> iove you, man, butut that face is n -- phph: 's wrong? this isn't c facac ou knono whait i i it's i'm not bringing any chicks tohee face. aughter) i'morry... i dot manan. (audience e e i d-- sad face. sad face. >> stephen: please leteten, bouncer manan no no.o.. >>phen: did you eveve have to rouou@unybody upp and bring the hammerererownwn >> wl,l ve you my pazazstce exri twgirls ran out on a tab so
saysys y y seewo girls? s, i don't know, a l of pepele comininininnd outut soe run down t strt ar the t t gls. he sayay therrey are. he ss, you sy here andd i'll grab t che they ran out o o as i'moldingnghe girls, they're kickin and scratchihi me. theharulse pndt'sheir boyfriendsdsndo it's rr agaiait one andne of them kicks me in t t shin. i let goo of h hr. the other gets dragged in. n@w i dive through the paengewindow -- and this is probably f f le $1$1$00 bill orratevevjump throughssgegewi a i tg to gbheeys. guyuy is tryryg pshee --e guy from thehe back is puncncnc me,'m punching the driver, the giriris scratchi my face,,he dvr starts drivinander tooune, ash me agnst the parked
lciditynd brililance i'm goin i'm g@getting paid $4040 nit!t! >> stehen: how do yu gorom at ac did you pututt the on your sume,@,@,@kl can tathgssh againin cev (laughte >> andndndre w w a smattering of sn on nhehound soo wble to skitch m way around.. >> stepheni ntntoear more stories of adveure e dd violence from y yu. we'll take a coercici break anbe bkitomre chchsthemeloninini right now, switch tot foan iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeye, it's basically... yes. that is s s current offer from at&t. okay siri, don't mnow everytying. lli kn youousk meto cl you at&t&tsteswithhe m mte.okayayayut h d dn.tu ioff.
>> no biea ca m m whateveouan. >>tnen: chrhrtopher seeus li nep mother wld yell at you. riopherr mloni. >hristopher peterer >>tephen: d yoyot in trouble with y yr momhen youo were a k >> couldetettt over on her itas moreeachers'utside influees a a i iould ste mcase t toy mom and e@ould lie me. >> stepheh: is tha yourrst acting >> yes, she's my firir ance. > stephen:retding you were a good b b all time? yes, always.$ >> stephen: hereoure as a a baby (audience rets) ani bring outhis po. can we clos sho a thth? i bring out this pho. you look stingly ke a picturof your had today ha en put on a a child. i'll prove it to you nw. ldldldll for a s.ec.
(laughghgh (a0alause) i understandndou doing a projejt with bruce willis clled marauds. at was it like worojng with him? it wawa great. >> sphen that a lot of teststterone, twtw tououuys. >> yeah, we only word i big stag b bause thereas so much testosterone. come in with hazmat suuits andnd mo to put on the makeup, at's'she lylyly people couldpproh us. ye, it wasas areat@ epeence. was very funny because bce is the c.e.o. of@he b bk and he has to escort me out to have the nk, i'm an.b. guy. as he'ss escort memehrough wh hisecurity, the bad gom inino rob the b bk andndtart sprayingngng bullll everywhererere&& bruru a i have to shoot our
but brucuc i ihe c.... off a bank but doesn't h h g g. was bre.t he wasas likik but i'm die hard guy. he w w naked. said, can you give m a gun? peoplelere goin bce, you're c.e.o. of baa, theysually n't ha aun. i want a gun. 0 stephen: did h g@t@t his gun? >> nl. heas unhahay. >> stephen: i i ulul dinel him a gun a then edit it out later. >>ocus oneoooongn>>epheheeaea ato get eeeet of g g ge. you we, likik wrieding,a hor@ t this ting andnagons. >> yes. >> step you know how the do thaha >> i do nw. >> stephen: diu ow forere th? >> vy inresting.g.
well, you kw. you've really got to tell that guy who's the boss.>> steteen: th horse? yeah, the horse you haveveo get to k kw him. you have p him. you're courtshng, a a)ttleforeplay, y y -- >> stephen:hat's illegal in many stata >ut tephen:ot al. no a a anu u u ot gene bu rmrm >>phen: yah geleut firm. stephznwhoo@ tacacngyou these thin? wawa t bruce@ wiillis aughte bobolance. >> stephen: so,o,hat, were youou afafid of theor at firs i wasn't a bibi fan. i didndn like all that muscl andnedbility. just w wn'a fan. bb you have to go up there and shsh himim who's b bs and rid@ with a arity. t if iou don knhow wll the gnals, you're just a bigpretender up t tre, to b bin with. >> stephen yeah? en i got the eang o it.. and th one hand.
s. d the -- tt'ss how i look. abablutely.. it's aaatutul, r rght? natural somminin i'llllllp it >> stephen: y yu've reallyot it i'moc in. (lghter) stephen: the@ series bginsmarch 9, 10: on wgnmeric and ittalald "underound,"" d it's about t underground ilroad, and yo charact is described as being on a tight rope of e eotioio yes. >> stetete: ananagaiai w w w don't knowowf hee aero orrr viain. no. are youu herorr a viiin?n? >enen well,l,f u goatee soe kno you're my evil t tin. (laughter) christopher meloni, thank yoso much. >> a pleasur >> stephen: christopher meloni "underground" p2emieremarcrc9 at 10:00nowgn amera.
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(cheers and applse) wish i could have the samam dabjashion sense you do. >> jon: stephen, whahaif i ioldd you i uld teh you to have mymy kiki ostyle in juseieit t sy steps? >> sphen: i'd say, i hopit comes th a vid. jon: yoqe in luck, because it does!jiji >> hey, everybody. i'jon baste. welce ian 101,pisise 2. fashion ti ififouant to be a goo band leader, yove g g to dresyour best. cpcphes arehe music off the you hear themith your eyespepepe yourr ears and watch. leononne namemrtfits. every ofit has a personality that's why ine names. he are se of tfitsts i've woro^ the lale show, hotot stard, business basket, yaa, haucinating rerere slimim grimace,
tu andnd pren jean ginvjtisll thover youou b bdydy. yourloets your sanctuar you ed to keeptt orgrgizeddo you doot byolor,r,eason, material? i orrrze mine alphabetically. suit ssonree, moth p pevention. i believe in universal lo but thth close i i come theing anytytng is m mthth ese e r/ciouou p pdatoto want to e yourthes andy don't en weaea clothth sooucan'etenge. u want teep your wrdrobe safe, yoyo nee mom ad you n nd tm injnourrandpa's et. less four, shoes! sured shoesre the foundation of any good outfit.t. whatlse are@ you g gng to stand on, paant come on. yocan good in any shoe asong as it maatches whaha you're ing. fofo instance, thihi shoe doesn
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(tme sg)g) i'i' see yu atatatat te apay!$- (c(cand dpplause) >> stephen: anks jonon we'lbe rightack th medalofof recipient, navy senio chief edwayers. (cers anapplause) dad, you cust drop meff right here. oh no, i il ta y up to e frt of the schoooo that's w w your friendndar riououy, it's,it's#really fi. u don't want to be see th your dad? no, it's..no.. is abo a boy? dada stoto ease. oh, there's tracy. at! [ horn hkingngng [ rwrwcollision waing ] brbringp bye dad!d! it brakewh you don't forward collion warning and auaunomous emergencyng. avavlala the new desied psat.
this... is a cat d this... is a live pho of a cat. live photos are more an just phphos.. thomalive when yotothem. and thenhey go bacto s.ilil you let go. soveryrye yo ta a picture, yot more thanust photo. you get to relive the nt. cause it teleportststu ththugspace and tjme.. i'kiing. ti travel is dangerous. don't use windex to make ndows spotlelelend clear! go seey big fattgreek weweing 2 learn n w to use windex the rht way on weird stuff! not on windows! who's got titiets? i do! i'okay! hi, i'd like to make a a p-- 4 anne rescan ite rescan, rescan.
ers and apse) >>phphweomack, everery. myexuest receidd medaofonor from esident obama moay ease w wcome navyvy senrhief and navy seal edward byers. (cheers and applse)@ thanks for bei he. an hon to h he you nks for ni me. sph:: you arespecifically titledh sor chief lfare operator. that is really all-compasng titlt,, warfarar oerator. who you opete?? operate warfrfe. whwh does t tt training include? what are all t thingsou're trarneto doo? >> well, if we were to siit here antalk aboutt,t, think k@uu uld run out ofof time.
the first i i basic underwater al training, theneal qualifictraining aftere thth f six mon jto get your foot in th door.. teteen:hen d you fd out you would be receiving the daofono >> i found outnber. >> stephen: h do youind out? >> is a really intriguing press. the white housuscalls you, sobody onis sf, and they sasa hey t president wantsts t lko you next weekthis tend tim are youvaille? and my first reaction wasas des anneually so t tis? let me checky sdule. >> stephen: do you h he any eaeahat the p pne is t? i did i w w awawa he was going to giv a ca bututt' not tl the esident calls you that it bebomes official. stephen: there are some
whh youere awardededed the mel of honononre cllsisiednd y y n'talk about it.t. walk us throughhatt hpened at day andnd ty noto breach national security when youo so. >> i'll do my best. stephen: okay. december 2 22, we reived our mission, a noail mssion, and our g gl was to briri b bk an amecan hste. stephen::fghanistst? te afgha. wnsecopterr tide ofheh had a four or f h h walk through mins dd gotot to the target building a asess >> stephph: how do you know at's your targetbuilding? i a aume a lot lo alike.>> theyo, but or nation's military has cleve ways of figung that out. >> steenen oka. i'll a#aept tt.
>> so as wepproachch the building, our point man u teammate nk was pp front. a guard came outf one of the doors.s.s.s.he immediately engaged t t guard ande start sinting towd the door. it's'not your typyc!l door. was a layar of blanketet as nick starafd t t mve i in through the blankets, ii mved in behind him. as i wt ty areaf responbili, annemy onon thhe ba wall h hd hiskdy toshooooand engagag him and saw another pers movingg acrshe floor. at tt timememe youon'tnow i if that was the american hostage st scare trying to moo -- >> steenenwhatatime of day is t ts? >> middle of the nig. >> stephen: ist dark, a ligh onnside? >> it wa bitch black. the averer afgn houseasne light bulb.
light bulbs.we haveg nig vision, soohat gives ushe aanta to seeee.. i saw a psoovovcross the oor. he wasasasinin towd wea& gotto mmnd straddled h h andinned him downith my legs. >> stephen: at this point you know if thth is the@ hoste oreone hos. >> iidn'tt know. ii wastrying to control him and juststight vision s si could get facial ecocoition. simultaneously, we'ree calling t,t4merican hostage, tryino somebodydyo@ reeononon backck. he finally did res b bk, about five feetwaway t meo my right. engagag the person i wasas on totof and jumped o h and on totohe ameririn hostage. you want to do t that bececec our gogos to bring this guyack alive e d we'reearing body ar so wewe accept that risk and
that hapned, thereas another enemy thas to my left within arm's reach, fortunately,y, and i was able tot pin him against the w b his throro till myeammates were ablecome in a take caree of that.. >> steen: so you have your body o otop of the hooage t t protect him m ileinnnng somebo agast the wall with yourur hd, after egaging the enemy prerusly to thh? >hat't't'rrecec (appuse) steteennow, c c you tll us - -wiououving a specific anount of time -- is this seeming like is hapappening fast ou? or i iit all happenini i tion forou?u? >> thais aniqiqhing aboutut our training is we rehearse so much that it is veryy institc chiewlwl so whihi t whole sccario happened within aa minute,, minute and a half, in your mindt' veve segmented. you take one satn, handle
so it slowss down. 's kind ofofike e slolo do. >> stephen: : w w knonothere are some t t tthat you can't talk about t raidd o get hohoage, but onene@ thinin iw youo want to t tk about that's portt i# to talk abo your fellll navy seal,nd this is check rirht? >> y y, annickhece wasas a true@ a arican hero, and he'e' t te hero of that operation. he gave his life to bring b bck anotherrmerican a a,rankly,, that'shat we do. (applause)>> stephph: he didot survive eagemen he did not. >> stephen: and here youre receiving the medal of honor president obaman mony, and fothe rest of your life yoyo know,, people willll be callininyoyo a he. w dodoou feel i know somee pplplin the military d d'tikee that title. how do y feel about that? >> that's not a e iould veyself. i think tha somethihi o oer pewple bestow u0onn you, a a the
arehe brotrs i i wrk with... these men@ are, you know, the toststen on theacef the planet. r mentality of n nuititi never fail at anything they do is trulylyemarkle andndyou know, if itit wasn'ttt foror the, i woul't b sittg here today. thth savav my lif cuntlesss tis. >> stephen: i understandhere e someeople youuant to ge a shout outo beforee go. theres. soso my neighbors bobobnd gigi they love yo show, and theve recordededvery single one of your shows, s/`i have say congratulationon i heard you juju hadour 100th( episodeere. >> stephph: we did. y, bob andigi! (applalae) wellthank you u mhor being here a thank you for your serve t/ our coury if you goacac out, please sy safe and we're honored to havavav u. memel of hnoecipient edwawa byers, e eerybody! (cheers and applause)
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