-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you so much! very, very nice. thank you very, very much. welcome, everybody. welcome, welcome. settle down. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." have fun tonight. [ cheers and applause ] it's gonna be good. everyone, tonight was the ncaa championship. that's right, there were some incredible matchups over the weekend. butler vs. vcu uconn vs kentucky. >> uconn! [ scattered applause ] charlie sheen vs. detroit. it was -- [ laughter and applause ] charlie sheen's getting bad reviews for that show in detroit. and ticket prices are dropping fast for his new york shows. that explains why today, i saw a scalper going "40 bucks for charlie sheen tickets! that's right, i'll give you 40 bucks to take my charlie sheen tickets. just take them. give 40."

[ cheers and applause ] this is -- this is a crazy story. it's true, though. southwest airlines -- did you hear about this? they canceled 600 flights because of a hole in a plane's roof. >> audience member: woo! >> jimmy: what? you know american airlines wouldn't cancel those flights. they would just charge a $50 sunroof fee. [ applause ] i don't know what to make of this. apparently, bp is going to drill in the gulf of mexico again this summer. or as fish are reporting it -- [ underwater voice ] "you gotta be [ bleep ]kidding me!" [ applause ] they speak english. fish speak english. >> steve: yeah. of course they do. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: get this, i read that researchers in canada have developed a new injection that provides a long-term cure for cat allergies. yeah, i think that's called "putting your cat to sleep." [ laughter and ohs ] [ scattered applause ]

just kidding, everybody. hey, i read about a 6'9" man in oregon who was kicked off a plane for being too tall. fortunately, he was able to book a seat on one of the southwest no-roof planes. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] -- a great flight. listen to this. to avoid high electricity bills, mayor bloomberg wants new yorkers to use their air conditioners less this summer. that's not cool. [ light laughter ] give me that -- just the punch line, just the punch line, just the punch line. thank you there. yeah, yeah, thanks. >> steve: you gonna sign that? >> jimmy: yeah, i'll sign it. >> steve: there you go. [ light laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thanks, buddy. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> steve: wow. >> jimmy: i just saw this. a new report found that the u.s. can only guard 129 miles of our 2,000-border with mexico. or as they reported that in mexico -- [ mariachi song plays ] this isn't good, you guys. a -- [ light laughter ] [ mariachi song plays ] [ cheers and applause ] i like it when it's up there because you don't tell -- that i can't -- i don't know to tap dance. you can just make noises. just make those -- ♪ [ laughter ] >> steve: yes. >> jimmy: yeah. this isn't good, you guys. a school in los angeles is warning parents about pot candy bars that contain high levels of hash. you can always -- [ scattered cheers ]

[ light laughter ] you could always spot the pot-laced candy bars 'cause they're labeled "really fun sized." and finally, microsoft has filed a complaint against google for hurting bing's ability to compete. that's right, bing said if people have any questions about the suit, just e-mail them at bing@gmail.com. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show tonight. give it up for roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: that is booker

t. jones! [ cheers and applause ] right there! that's what i'm talking about. from the legendary booker t. and the m.g.s. he's sitting in with the roots tonight and tomorrow. and, later on, booker's gonna be performing a song from his up coming album, "the road from memphis." he's gonna be doing a song with the roots. this album actually came together after you sat in with the roots one night, right? >> absolutely. >> jimmy: yeah. i'll be excited to get all the royalties from this album. [ light laughter ] >> you got something to say, say it, jimmy. >> jimmy: at least send me a free copy. give me something. >> okay. >> jimmy: hey, thanks for being here, booker t. >> oh, my pleasure. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have such a great show today, you guys. get ready. from the new movie, "your highness," james franco is here! [ cheers and applause ] he's a good dude. you know her from her "access hollywood" and the "today" show works. she also has a new book out called "the everygirl's guide to life," maria menounos is here! [ cheers and applause ]

i love her too. and, as i said, a performance from the one, the only, booker t. jones. it's gonna be great. [ cheers and applause ] i cannot wait. it's gonna be fun. hey, a quick show of hands. who here is either a man or a woman? [ laughter ] very, very good. you know, a fascinating thing about men and women is that they don't always see eye to eye. in fact, sometimes they can be in the exact same situation and be thinking two totally different things. what kind of things are men and women thinking? let's find out together in a segment called "he said, she said." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: now, you guys may not realize this, but i have a real knack for telling what's on people's minds. i don't like to brag about it but i'm kind of psychic that way. like, for example, take a look at this. looks like this couple just had a nice roll in the hay. good for them. and i can tell just by looking at this guy that's he's thinking, "i'm such a stud." but this lady's thinking something different. she's thinking, "he's such a

dud.' [ light laughter ] see, that? it's very different view points. here's another example. another romantic photo. these people are enjoying a nice, warm bath. she's clearly thinking, "this is so relaxing." and he's clearly thinking, "i just tinkled." [ laughter ] once again, two very different perspectives. >> steve: from the face. >> jimmy: look at this one here. here's a cute couple, they're rock climbing. you know? he's thinking, "i love being outdoors with my wife." and she's thinking, "if i cut his rope, i can make it look like an accident." [ laughter ] very romantic. here's another lovely couple, here. she's thinking, "look honey, i'm pregnant." and he's thinking, "aw, hell no!" [ laughter and applause ] [ cheers ] let's look at another one here. these two are shooting some pool. it looks like fun. she's thinking, "red ball, side pocket. " and he's thinking, "blue balls, crotch pocket." [ laughter ]

>> steve: wait, what does that mean? >> jimmy: what's a crotch pocket? >> steve: what is a blue ball? >> jimmy: what you gonna eat? >> both: crotch pocket. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> steve: mine's stuffed with salami. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very fast. here's another couple, they look kind of bummed out. she's thinking, "i wish we were getting along better." and he's thinking, "the second she leaves, i'm putting all of these apples into my butt." >> wait a second. you can tell that from that guy's face? let's see that picture again. >> jimmy: i might have been a little off on that one. >> steve: those look like mcintosh. those aren't golden delicious. those are big apples. >> jimmy: they're granny smith. >> steve: okay, okay, granny smith. >> jimmy: that make sense now? >> steve: yeah, it -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't know. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: i may have been off on that one. >> steve: no, i believe you. you're good at this >> jimmy: here's some other people who aren't quite getting along. >> steve: oh, no.

>> jimmy: she is thinking, "i wish we could make this relationship work." and he's thinking, "i wish her boobs weren't lopsided." [ laughter ] i can just tell. i can just tell. >> steve: he can't get past the physical, it's not like he's a big winner. >> jimmy: i know. exactly. >> steve: look at him. >> jimmy: here's another nice couple here. oh, cute as a button. she's thinking, "after 30 years of marriage, we're still in love." and he's thinking, "after 30 years of marriage, my wife still looks like a lesbian bill gates." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: that's what that guy's thinking? >> jimmy: that was what -- he didn't say it. he's just thinking it. >> steve: thinking it, okay. all right. okay. >> jimmy: look at these guys, here. they're doing some work around the house. he's thinking, "this isn't my first time hammering a stud." [ laughter and ohs ] no, you don't have to leave. come on back. come on -- higgins, come back. come on. [ cheers ] >> steve: i can't.

>> jimmy: come on. >> steve: all right, i'll stay. i'll stay for one more. >> jimmy: and she's thinking, "mine either." there you go, there you go. [ laughter and applause ] you can't do a spit take. no spit take. here's another one. these two are enjoying some time outdoors. [ light laughter ] he's thinking, "this should really get her in the mood." and she's thinking, "this isn't a levitra commercial, gary. now put down the god [ bleep ] hose! [ laughter and applause ] not cute, you're an old idiot. >> steve: get out of here. you make me sick. >> jimmy: shut up. >> steve: did you clean the garage yet? >> jimmy: yeah exactly. what an annoying guy. last one here, folks, sorry. >> steve: aww. >> jimmy: these two folks are definitely thinking very different things. she is thinking, "you have to keep the dipstick lubed." and he's thinking, "that's what she said." there you go, you guys. that's all time the time for "he said, she said." stick around. we'll be right back with "competitive spit takes." [ cheers and applause ]

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: everybody, welcome back to the show and thank you for watching. it's time, once again, to play "competitive spit takes." here we go. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome to "competitive spit takes" the game with where we get audience members to tell a joke and their friends respond by spraying them with a mist of lukewarm backwash. [ laughter ] and then you, the great audience, votes on which team performs the best. tonight, our contestants will be telling some classic "yo mama" jokes. [ laughter ] now, let's meet our first pair of audience volunteers. come on over. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ how are you doing? >> good. how are you? >> jimmy: nice to see you, buddy. interesting shirt there. >> thank you. >> jimmy: can we zoom in on that thing? that's a very interesting -- it's almost like a -- like it's almost hurt --people -- at home are having seizures right now. [ laughter ] um -- uh, welcome, welcome you guys. what are your names? >> my name is pat. >> jimmy: pat? >> jordan. >> jimmy: pat and jordan. how do you guys know each other? >> brother-in-laws. >> jimmy: oh, very, very cool.

>> yeah. >> jimmy: now, you realize that one of you will be spitting in the other person's face, correct? >> that's right. >> jimmy: okay, good. uh -- [ laughter ] how do you feel about that? >> it depends on who's spitting. >> jimmy: yeah, i guess so. you're right. let's decide on who's spitting -- all right, let's bring over the spit take die, right here. now, you know what a spit take is, first of all, right? it's when somebody says something funny or shocking while you're drinking and you -- [ makes spitting noise ] -- you spit it out. all right, now let's find out who will be doing the spitting. any -- this says "spit" on three sides, "take" on the other sides. you see that? all right, very good. now, i need a representative to from the team to roll the die to see who will be doing what. [ drum roll ] very nice. [ applause ] [ sad tuba ] [ audience ohs ] okay. you will be taking. you stand over there. you stand over here, my man. [ laughter ] very, very good. here's your glass of water. here's your "yo mamajoke. [ laughter ] don't say the joke yet. remember, please keep in mind, you will be voting on both the delivery of the joke and the spit take. [ laughter ] get closer. get closer.

why not? [ laughter ] all right -- take a good sip, my man and hold it in. don't tell the joke until i say. yeah, that's it, right there. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: who's brother-in-law is who? like -- who's -- who's sister's - >> [ grunt ] [ laughter ] yeah. >> jimmy: okay. very good. here we go. [ laughter ] go ahead, tell the joke. >> yo mama is so fat, when she looks at the menu, she says, "yes." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: wow. you got some anger out. you got some anger out on that spit, man. [ laughter ] got some issues there. let's take a look at that one more time in slow motion. ♪ [ laughter ] thank you guys for playing.

get over there. let's bring our next contestants. come on over. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hey, how are you doing, buddy? >> hey, how are you? >> jimmy: nice to see you guys. what are your names? >> brad. >> jimmy: brad. >> jared. >> jimmy: brad and jared. now, how do you guys know each other? >> friends from home. >> jimmy: oh yeah? where's home? >> pasco, washington. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: half our audience comes from pasco, washington every night. [ talking over each other ] [ cheers ] now you saw the game, you think you can hack it? >> yeah. >> jimmy: all right. very, very good. why are you wearing your jacket? is it cold? >> life preserver. >> cause, yeah -- let's go, ready? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you going to zip it up? >> yeah, a little bit. >> jimmy: you guys are characters. >> i'm a little too nervous. >> jimmy: that's all right -- don't do it. >> all right. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it is cool, yeah. now you feel like a nerd. exactly. yeah. [ laughter ] let's find out who is doing the spitting and who will be spat upon. can we bring the die please? very, very good. we need a represent -- i guess you're the representative. yep. you're leaning over toward it. go for it, buddy. good luck [ drum roll ] oh, sorry about that. [ sad tuba ] i apologize.

you're psyched, right? >> yeah, you don't spit on the roots. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. good man. here we go. here's your water. and here's your "yo mama" joke. take a good gulp. good sip -- don't tell the joke until i say so. oh, man he's -- [ laughter ] man, that's down in his throat. [ laughter ] this is going to be a guttural spit take. please deliver your joke. >> yo mama so dumb, she asked how many teams are in the final four. [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: refreshing, huh? >> whoo! >> jimmy: that's a good wakeup, right there. let's take a look at that in slow motion, one more time. ♪ that was hilarious. >> oh man. >> jimmy: oh, that's -- what is that? are you sure? we have time to do one more? oh, great. let's switch it up. [ laughter and applause ]

>> oh, boy. >> jimmy: yeah, you better zip up, buddy boy. >> yeah, you better. [ laughter ] yeah. oh. look at this. this is the revenge already. yeah. here you go. there's your "yo mama" joke. wait, not yet. [ laughter and applause ] whenever you're ready. >> your mama's so ugly, she looked in the mirror and saw gary busey. [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: that was insane. let's take a look at that in slow motion. that was insane. ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers ] truly amazing.

team one, step on in, over here, guys. now it's time for our audience to choose which team did the best. was it team number one? [ cheers and applause ] or was it team number two? [ cheers and applause ] we have a winner, you guys! team number two is the winner. ♪ congratulations, you win a set of "late night with jimmy fallon" towels, so you can dry off in style. and since no one goes home empty-handed, for the losers we have "late night with jimmy fallon" moist towelettes. [ laughter ] there you go. that's it for "competitive spit takes." we'll be right back with james franco! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] there's a place

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. our first guest is an academy

award-nominated actor whose new film, "your highness," is in theaters friday. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome james franco! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. welcome. welcome. welcome to the show, my man. >> thank you. >> jimmy: good to see you. thank you for coming out. [ cheers ] you got a lot of -- you have a lot of male fans out there, going nuts for you. [ cheers ] all guys. >> all guys. >> jimmy: all guys. [ laughter ] hey -- >> is there even a guy in the audience? >> audience member: yeah! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there it is. the couple guys that just got spit on. yeah, yeah, they're there. >> oh yeah, those guys. >> jimmy: hey, we met a while back when you were doing -- you were hosting "snl." >> no, no, no -- >> jimmy: yes. >> no. >> jimmy: yes. >> it was when i was making a documentary about "snl." >> jimmy: oh wait. oh, that's right. was that after you hosted then? >> yeah, 'cause i -- i made a documentary about "snl" but it

was when john malkovich was hosting, and you were there, right? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. i skipped your show and i came to just watch john malkovich. [ light laughter ] no, i would never do that. why would i do that? no, you were great on the show. >> you were just getting started on this one, right? >> jimmy: yeah. nervous. >> no, you were nice. you were cool. but -- [ laughter ] so it was a while ago but now it's coming out. >> jimmy: yeah, so wait -- >> june. >> jimmy: i can't believe like -- you started with a school project, right? are you going to like three colleges right now? >> i was. i was going to four. >> jimmy: what is wrong with you? >> but i'm done. i know. >> jimmy: you're addicted to going to college? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you have a problem. >> yeah. >> jimmy: but -- >> -- two, actually. >> jimmy: but it was nyu, right? >> that was nyu, yeah. >> jimmy: nyu, you were doing a documentary for nyu but then it turned out to be a feature-length film? >> yeah, at nyu, in the film program, do you a series of short films and the second one you do is a documentary -- observational documentary to teach you how to follow a character but without the burden of having to create one.

so, you can just go and observe and so i thought, oh, i'll follow bill hader for, you know, an entire, you know, week of "snl" and just see what he does and then i'll make a seven-minute documentary. but then, that involved getting, you know, permission from a lot of people and then it turned out that i guess lorne liked me and everyone liked me over there -- >> jimmy: yeah. they do. >> and they gave me permission to just basically shoot everything and -- >> jimmy: it was crazy. like being -- i'm an "snl" fan, even before i was on the show. i mean, he doesn't let people do this. >> right, right. >> jimmy: like, he just doesn't want to be bothered. i mean -- he's like busy working. >> well, he told me -- actually, he told me that the great great documentary filmmaker pennebaker. dylan pennebaker? >> jimmy: no, he did the bob dylan, "don't look back." >> yeah, what's his first name? d.a. pennebaker! >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> did the, "don't look back," the original -- the great bob dylan documentary. he wanted to do one and lorne says, he said, "no." >> jimmy: yeah, no. he said no to him. >> way back then. so, it was a big honor to be able to do it.

i got everything, even -- there's this period in the week where they go in lorne's office and start picking the sketches that are going to go and all the cuts. >> jimmy: i've only been in there once. >> yeah, well bill -- i was just doing the commentary for the dvd with bill hader and will forte, and they said, they've never even seen. like the first time they saw what goes on in there was in the documentary. >> jimmy: yeah, 'cause you're so nervous as a cast member. you just like, what sketches are they gonna pick in? so he doesn't want the cast members in there because you'd just fighting for yours. like, "i think mine was funny, choose that one." so, he just doesn't let anyone in -- like, the head writers. >> so, you do feel -- like how does it feel? because you go through -- >> jimmy: nervous. >> so, tuesday night you write, and then wednesday you do that table read and that's where they do the first cuts, right? are you nervous. >> jimmy: yes, i'm nervous as i'm reading the piece. 'cause you sit around this giant conference room table -- you know what it's like. and you read these sketches, and if it's not funny, no one's laughing and it's awful and you can hear people turning the pages, like -- [ laughter ] that's when you go, "this is an

awful sketch." you can just hear people like putting them under their seat. you're like, "oh, my gosh." >> you told me backstage, you said -- obviously you're a great performer, very, very funny guy. but you said you didn't feel so confident about your writing. 'cause all the cast members write too. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, my writing is not that great. >> i'm sure it was great. >> jimmy: no, no, no. it was not good. i've had bad sketches. i've submitted stuff and i was just like -- ooph. like, people didn't even look me in the eye when we were done. [ light laughter ] just so embarrassed. and it just crushed -- >> i find that hard to believe, but -- >> jimmy: but then i'd end up meeting with horatio, or matt murray, or some other writers, matt piedmont. and we would just get together and we would just start writing stuff. like, we came up with that christmas song. i don't know if you ever saw it. [ cheers ] [ scattered applause ] we couldn't think of an idea. we couldn't write anything, we could think of an idea and someone gave me this tiny guitar as a gift, and horatio was just playing, like, goofing around and i had a keyboard. and we started just jamming out. and he just wrote the dumbest christmas song ever. >> i think that's the best -- it was great. but i think that's -- one of the things i think the documentary shows is the collaboration. and i think, if you're writing comedy -- if you're writing

certain things, i actually think it's better to work with someone else. it's just -- i can be so -- i'm sure it to be so dull to write comedy on your own. >> jimmy: yeah. i mean, there's certain forms that are better on their own. they don't like to collaborate. but, i'm definitely not one of those people. like, i need help. without the writers, i would -- it'd be awful. >> we're getting real serious about comedy. >> jimmy: real, real. too serious. i want to talk about, "your highness." >> okay. >> jimmy: -- we don't have to serious about it. i don't think you can be serious about this. can you set it up? the movie -- it's you, natalie portman, danny mcbride. >> natalie portman is pretty serious. >> jimmy: she's very serious but danny mcbride is not serious. >> danny mcbride is not serious. and actually, that is one of the great things about the movie. it is, on one level, like a 12-year-old boy's dream of a movie because there's great action. we go on an adventure. i play -- danny and i play brothers. we're both princes. i'm the favorite son. i go on all these quests and kill -- >> jimmy: dragons. >> dragons and stuff. and he's like a fish out of water. he's the screw up.

>> jimmy: he just stays home and gets stoned in the castle. >> yeah. >> jimmy: hence, "your highness." >> basically the scene of the whole movie was, a guy in medieval times that gets stoned and fights dragons. >> jimmy: right now, you're speaking to my audience. this is fantastic. [ laughter ] [ cheers ] >> literally, danny mcbride and the director, david gordon green came up with this idea in film school. they played a game where they'd come up with titles and then you'd have to come up with the movie. so, david said, "your highness," and danny said, "yeah, a guy that smokes weed and fights dragons." >> jimmy: there you go. >> 10 years later -- >> jimmy: here it is. >> boom, here it is. but, there's natalie portman in it, so it does make it a little more legitimate. >> jimmy: classier. yeah, yeah, yeah. we have a clip. here's the great james franco with danny mcbride in "your highness." take a look. >> i have something else that you can be. >> what? >> best man at my wedding. i can think of no one else i'd want by side. >> sounds tedious and boring.

>> if i'm not mistaken, it is a tradition that the best man gets to lay with the bridesmaids. plural. >> really? i've never heard of this tradition. deal. >> oh, you're gonna be so handsome. who's gonna be the most handsome best man? >> probably me. >> who's the prince with the most dashing mustache? >> me. >> who gives the warmest hugs? >> me, of course. >> i love you, thaddeus. >> oh, that's cool. >> jimmy: very, very good. [ cheers and applause ] he's a funny dude. >> he's great. >> jimmy: he's a funny guy. hey, do you want to play a game when we come back? please. >> yeah. yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: very good. when we come back, james franco and i are playing a new game. "audience skee ball." come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] this is lara. her morning begins with arthritis pain. that's a coffee and two pills. the afternoon tour begins with more pain and more pills.

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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back. i'm here with my man, james franco and we're going to play a game of skee ball. however, instead of the typical version you see in arcades, ours is a little bigger. we'll be rolling balls up a giant ramp into the audience -- [ cheers and applause ] -- who will be holding buckets. [ cheers and applause ] we each get five balls. we'll take turns and the high score wins. james, as my guest, would you please go first? >> okay. i will give it a shot. now, i heard you are very competitive, actually. i heard that you didn't -- [ laughter ] -- i heard that you didn't let betty white win. >> jimmy: betty white did not deserve to win, so what did you want me to do? [ laughter ] she played better, she would have won. >> here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ go ahead. >> jimmy: i'm looking at you, hyundai. let's do it. move the bucket. [ cheers ] oh. oh, come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> all right. >> jimmy: butter fingers, up

there. ♪ [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] like a ringer. you're like a ringer. >> i'm ahead. >> jimmy: ridiculous. come on. here we go. >> one-zip. ♪ >> jimmy: what is wrong with you people? [ laughter ] gosh! >> all right. >> jimmy: they hate me up there. i don't know what -- knocking them out of the bucket. ♪ [ cheers ] what? who threw that? >> you put -- >> jimmy: yeah, who put his hand out? >> watch it, buddy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: small people. be nice. >> thirty-zip. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> all right. >> jimmy: yes! ♪ we are the champions i'm talking about me as plural -- ♪ my friends [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers ] ♪ >> jimmy: the first ever -- >> great job. >> jimmy: -- james franco! [ cheers and applause ] thank you, audience. "your highness" is in theaters this friday. maria menounos joins us next. she's out, hanging in the bud light lime green room, y'all. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] is that it? curtis: welcome back to geico radio, it's savings, on the radio.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, yeah. that's what i'm talking about. our next guest is a correspondent for ""access hollywood"" and the "today" show and also, files reports for nbc "nightly news" and "dateline." wow. and in her free time, she became the author of this new book "the everygirl's guide to life." say hello to the lovely and busy maria menounos. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> jimmy: welcome, welcome, welcome. thanks for -- thanks for coming on my show. usually, you're interviewing me so i'm very excited about this. >> i know, i'm very excited, too. >> jimmy: switching it up a bit. you just came back from chicago, right? >> i did. >> jimmy: you saw -- >> i love chicago. >> jimmy: you -- i want to hear about charlie sheen's show. >> okay. well, i was in chicago for another reason but i could not miss the show, of course, so i went. and the crowds were insane outside. and having -- >> jimmy: was it "the violent torpedo of death" what is the name of show? >> "the torpedo of truth." >> jimmy: "the torpedo of truth" tour. >> yes. and you know there was a lot of people -- >> he has lost it. he has lost his marbles. >> yeah. he's -- he's a little nuts but we all know that -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> -- so we all wanted to go see what the show was about. >> jimmy: how crazy it's -- yeah. >> and apparently, after talking to jeff rossen who is also at nbc -- >> jimmy: oh yeah. >> -- he had gone to the detroit show and he said it was completely different than detroit. in this show in chicago, he had someone interviewing him and he

talked about, you know, all different kinds of subjects and the people really liked him, i thought, for the most part. >> jimmy: yeah, he did a better show on this one. yeah. does he sing or anything? what does he do? >> well, at one point he ripped his shirt off and he's pretty buff under there. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. that's what i normally do to get the crowd warmed up. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> take it off, take it off. >> jimmy: they're already warm enough. they're warm enough. i wanted to look at your fingernails, i like this. >> do you like it? >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's the new katy perry nail polish, i'm obsessed with it. >> jimmy: wait, let's show the camera. >> although, it's a little chipped 'cause i was rushing around today. don't tell anyone. and so -- it's -- it's -- you put one coat of silver down or whatever color you want. you could do red, yellow. and then you put the black shatter on. >> jimmy: shatter? >> and it crackles. yeah, i can do yours later if you want. >> jimmy: no, no, no thanks. >> okay. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: but i noticed they look very pretty. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you have 20 jobs? >> yes. >> jimmy: i mean, seriously, did you hear -- in my intro, i was like my you've got to be kidding me. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i feel like i'm not doing enough. i mean, you're -- you're everything, you're on all these shows. >> i keep busy. you know, i found that the busier i am, the happier i am. >> jimmy: yeah.

and did you always want to be on tv? >> i did. i've always wanted to be on tv since i was young and you know, i always used to tell my mom, "mom, some day i want to be vanna white." [ spanish accent ] and she would go, "maria it is very hard to be vanna. she gotta know what all the letters they are." and i go -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: someone sticking up for vanna white. this is fantastic. >> i know. >> jimmy: [ spanish accent ] "maria you have to know where all the letters are." >> exactly. >> jimmy: that is great. that's so -- >> so i said, "all right, mom, i'll take it seriously. i really want this." so i actually figured out a way to practice at work. so when i worked at dunkin' donuts, i used to practice by memorizing where all the the doughnuts were. so if you came in and asked for a dozen doughnuts, i would say, "what would you like?" and they would say, "a chocolate frosted" and i would go -- >> jimmy: did it without even looking? [ light laughter ] >> a honey-dipped doughnut. >> jimmy: really? see, you've got skills. >> and so i practiced. >> jimmy: actually, we have a picture of you. >> vanna keeps on going. there was no opening. >> jimmy: look at this. there is you at dunkin'

doughnuts, there. >> yeah. [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: cute. now what are you? miss massachusetts, what is this? >> i was miss massachusetts teen usa so i went there to make an appearance at my dunkin' donuts store in somerville mass. >> jimmy: wow, the perks of becoming miss teen massachusetts, you get to go to all the dunkin' donuts. >> i know. [ applause ] >> jimmy: adorable, though. >> yeah, thank you. >> jimmy: here's another cool picture i saw here. you got to sit in lady gaga's egg? >> i did. >> jimmy: the one that she took to the grammys? >> yes. i mean look at me -- >> jimmy: that's the face i would make too. s no, i mean how do you get near it? i thought it would be in a safe somewhere. >> it was in the parking lot and it was kind of there by itself. >> jimmy: she parked her egg? >> she did. she parked her egg and it was lonely. [ light laughter ] and so, i decided i couldn't pass up the chance to get in it so i had my producer with me and i said, "i'm getting egg, you go to take a picture." so, he took the picture and security was probably like eating donuts in the car. no one was paying attention. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i got in, i took a picture but it was hard getting in and out of that thing 'cause she is about half the size of me, and so it was kind of like a wiggle thing to get in and out. >> jimmy: that's super cool, that you got that. i got to say, i love this book. >> thank you. >> jimmy: even though i'm a guy,

i like the "everygirl's guide to life." this is like -- [ laughter ] serious though, this is like a fantastic -- this is like ten books in one book. >> thank you. >> jimmy: it's like there's recipes in here, with your mom. there's your mom, right there. maria. >> and you know what i love about jimmy? jimmy came backstage in my dressing room and he actually read this book. everything he was telling me in there -- he actually genuinely had to read it one of very few that does your homework and i'm so appreciative and thankful. >> jimmy: see? thank you. see? i am. [ applause ] >> that's amazing. >> jimmy: you have a good checklist in the back, i mean -- organizing. it's like -- yeah. but i mean it is like everything. you talk about -- look at your over checklist, right here, like what to bring, makeup. >> yeah. >> jimmy: see? i never know what makeup to bring. [ laughter ] you know what i did -- you know what i did learn from your book? i told you that -- >> what? >> jimmy: that girls wear makeup to the gym? >> yes, well we do if we're leaving work, you know? >> jimmy: okay. >> but there are those girls that wear makeup to go to the gym and you know. >> jimmy: yeah, i -- that's awful. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i mean guys have it easy. guys have it easy. my hair's messed up, i'm wearing, you know, ratty sweat pants. that's how i work out. >> yeah, but you guys are checking us out, so we have to look good. it's kind of embarrassing. >> jimmy: i don't do that, see,

i don't go to the gym because i -- i don't check people out. i'm happily married. i don't check people out. >> this is true. this is true. >> jimmy: i don't look. because i'd feel creepy. that's why i don't go to the gym anymore because people are stretching and doing crazy stuff, where it's like, "god, i don't -- really don't want to look at you." i mean that's too much. [ light laughter ] but there's also a thing in here. you have a tip in here about -- to keep your abs tough, you have people punch you in the stomach? >> yes, now this is not something that i suggest to other people but i'm crazy and my dad actually is crazy, so my dad in the village, back in the day -- he used to lay down and used to have people throw rocks on his stomach and he would squeeze his abs and bounce them off, and so -- he -- one day, he did it. >> jimmy: i want to party with your dad. he sounds awesome. >> oh, he is so fun. you would love him. so, it finally got to the point where he put a big boulder on his -- you know, they threw a boulder, and he bounced it off. so, i was like -- i would hear this stuff when i was growing up and i had all guy cousins and we would wrestle and we would fight. it was all about, you know, physicality. so i was like, "hit me." so i always had people punch me in the stomach and now my abs are really tight, you can't hurt me. although "rowdy" roddy piper

hurt me once. >> jimmy: he punched you in the stomach? >> i begged him. he didn't want to do it. >> jimmy: he's a professional wrestler. >> i know. i know. i know. i begged him, but he totally did it. and i swear i thought i had internal bleeding for two days. [ laughter ] and i was like, "am i gonna die?" but at least it could have been at "rowdy" roddy piper's hands. now, that's a good way to die. >> jimmy: that's pretty good. yeah, absolutely. you guys have to get this book, the "the everygirl's guide to life" is in bookstores next week. preorder it right now. maria menounos, everybody! booker t. performs next. come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪

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like he said... ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. performing "down in memphis," from his upcoming album "the road to memphis," which i'm making a lot of money off of -- [ light laughter ] please, a little help with the roots. once again, booker t. jones, everybody! [ cheers and applause ]

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ doin' it in the heat learnin' how to walk the beat layin' it down again takin' it on the chin ♪ ♪ headin' for the darkest club down on beale street ♪ ♪ playin' that funky music drinkin' that funky gin you gotta' be a pistol got to be a gun ♪ ♪ you gotta be one strange phenomenon

down in memphis ♪ ♪ memphis, tennessee memphis, tennessee ♪ ♪ gotta see a new woman over in klondike ten minutes in a thunderbird ♪ ♪ runnin' on the turnpike i gotta pay union dues make me wanna sing the blues i can't be a winner now ♪ ♪ 'cause i'm born to lose down in memphis yeah ♪ ♪ memphis, tennessee memphis, tennessee down in memphis yeah ♪ ♪ doin' it doin' it gotta shine shoes

down on 4th and walker ♪ ♪ out on peggy's patio for some sweet talk spend your easy nights out in mallory heights ♪ ♪ you're livin' on a country road with no streetlights ♪ ♪ you look at your t.v. ♪ and you feed rufus and bones nat d. williams givin' you a "d" minor ♪ ♪ nat d. williams the man won't hear no plea the man won't play no key yeah ♪ ♪ down in memphis memphis, tennessee memphis, tennessee ♪ ♪ down in memphis yeah

memphis, tennessee ♪ ♪ memphis, tennessee memphis memphis ♪ ♪ memphis yeah memphis, memphis, memphis memphis, tennessee ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my man, that's the way to do it. thank you, my friend. booker t. jones, right there, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] that's fantastic. my thanks to james franco, maria menounos. come on over here, maria. thank you, thank you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: booker t. jones, again and the greatest banned in "late night," the roots. right there.