tv Late Night With Jimmy Fallon NBC April 30, 2011 3:05am-4:00am PDT
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, that's what i'm talking about. a great new york city crowd right there. hey, welcome to "late night." welcome -- welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," you guys. i am so excited. [ scattered cheers ] you guys, baseball season has finally started. here it is. [ cheers and applause ] but get this, but get this. a new study found that the number of kids playing baseball has shrunk 24%. yeah. barry bonds is like, "big deal, i've shrunk like 50%." [ laughter ] what's the big deal? [ applause ] this is big, you guys. tlc will start airing new episodes of "kate plus 8" starting this monday. [ scattered cheers ] and they're going to keep airing them until gadhafi agrees to step down from power. [ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ] more tv news. mtv is coming out with a new show that gives people sex advice. >> yeah! >> jimmy: basically it's just "jersey shore" with the word "don't" at the bottom of the screen. [ laughter ] don't, don't. speaking of "jersey shore," this weekend snooki will be part of a six-person tag team at "wrestlemania." yeah. it's just like every weekend snooki has except for the words "at 'wrestlemania.'" [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] some sad news, you guys. the pizza chain sbarro is filing for bankruptcy. [ audience ohs ] i'm sorry. sbankruptcy. [ laughter ] i'm sorry. that was a sbad joke.
that was just a sbad joke. [ laughter ] you guys see this? olive garden is remodeling its restaurants to make them look like a tuscan farmhouse. while their food is remodeling your body to make you look like a tuscan farmhouse. [ applause ] kind of works out. check did out. a message in a bottle was found in russia 24 years after it was written. unfortunately, the note said, "help, stranded with enough food for exactly 23 years." [ light laughter ] this is just a weird story here. this is just a weird story here. i heard that prison inmates in colorado are going to cater a high school prom. [ light laughter ] that sounds romantic. hey, bobby, do you want to dance? i would, but i'm ray ray's bitch now. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and finally, a woman in the u.k. left her daughter out of her
will because she didn't like the name of one of her grandchildren. yeah. that means no inheritance for the woman or for her baby, little grandma sucks. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a crazy show for you tonight. a crazy, crazy show. a fun show. he's a legend. we're so psyched to have him on the show. earvin "magic" johnson is here! [ cheers and applause ] we'll be talking hoops, we'll be talking everything. we also have three of my favorite dudes ever from "saturday night live," andy samberg, akiva schaffer, and jorma taconne! [ cheers and applause ] you know them as the lonely island. they're going to be premiering a brand new video from the new record tonight.
it is funny, it is dirty, it is very, very good. also, an old friend of mine, a very, very funny comedian, joey kola is on the show! [ cheers and applause ] finally -- i love him. and as promised, the host of "the colbert report," stephen colbert. [ cheers and applause ] will be singing -- he will be singing rebecca black's "friday" with the roots tonight. it is going to be awesome. [ cheers and applause ] you guys will want to stay tuned for that. but you guys, speaking of friday, today is friday and that's usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. i check my inbox, return some e-mails and of course send out "thank you notes." [ cheers and applause ] i'm running a bit behind so i thought if you guys wouldn't mind i'd like to write out my weekly "thank you notes" right now. is that cool with you guys? [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. roots, can i get some "thank you note" writing music, please? ♪ [ laughter ]
look at me. look at me. look at me. look at me. look at me. look at me. [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, women who walk around with their yoga mats in slings, for either looking like an unemployed archer or a bazooka smuggler. [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, april showers, for bringing may flowers. though more importantly, for washing away all of march's bull [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] yes! come on. watch it. watch it. shut up.
you bazooka smuggler. ♪ [ laughter ] thank you, president obama, for moving your speech on monday so it didn't interfere with "dancing with the stars." because what better way to tell the world you won't back down to tyrants than by backing down to a chipper tom bergeron and a bag of fresh quip. [ laughter ] [ applause ] what's going on? watch it. ♪ [ laughter ] thank you, lady with the stroller by the subway stairs. for needing help just as i hear my train coming into the station. i know this is probably the choice that determines whether i go to heaven. but here's the thing, i really want to make that train. so, good luck! [ cheers and applause ]
♪ thank you, people on facebook whose profile picture is a group photo. for letting us know you felt the need to dilute the impact of your face. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ thank you, people who talk on their cell phones in the hallway at work. for basically telling everyone in the office there's trouble on the home front. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] well, i know, no, i know. hey, gary. hey, gary. no, i know. [ laughter ] i -- i just -- all right --
okay -- hi. i can't -- what -- what -- hey. hey, do you have that report yet? ♪ thank you, little fuzz balls that form on sweaters. or as i like to call them, wool boogers. [ laughter ] that's what i call them. we call them wool boogers. >> you call them wool boogers? wool boogers, okay. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, slipping and getting hurt. versus slipping and being okay. for being the thin line between a sympathy card and the funniest thing i've ever seen in my life. [ laughter and applause ] you okay? are you okay? oh, you're hurt, you're hurt? no, i'm serious. no, you're fine. you're good? cause i was -- no, you're hurt, you are hurt. okay, he's holding it back. are you okay?
♪ thank you, new magazine targeted at gay military members. for being called "out serve." which i guess is better than the original name, "buns and ammo." there you go, you guys. those are my thank you notes. we'll be right back with stephen colbert! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ host: could switching to geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance? host: is the pen mightier than the sword?
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our most advanced iams nutrition. ever. [ dog ] i am an iams dog. ♪ woof. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody, welcome back. [ cheers and applause ] this week -- this week has been quite a journey. right now, i'm being best friends for six months with one person. his name is stephen colbert. [ cheers and applause ] and as best friends sometimes do, he donated $26,000 of my money to the charity donorschoose.org without consulting me first. [ laughter ]
i didn't know anything about this. and -- but according to stephen this is the sort of thing best friends do. i didn't have the $26,000 on me. so, i turned to you guys. the fall-pals. the fallonites. [ cheers and applause ] the 12:37 time sluts. [ light laughter ] we're still working on what we call our fans. but, i turn to you and promised on behalf of stephen colbert that if we could raise this $26,000, he would come on our show and sing rebecca black's smash hit single "friday." [ cheers and applause ] and i didn't even have to ask stephen colbert. because stephen colbert is a man of my word. [ laughter ] you guys dug deep and gave, and gave and gave. some of you gave $1, some of you gave $5, some of you even gave as much as $8. [ laughter ] and because of your generosity --
[ laughter ] -- not only did we meet our goal, we more than doubled it, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] and, i just got this giant check from nbc universal matching our original goal for another $26,000! [ cheers and applause ] which brings our grand total to over $86,000! [ cheers and applause ] that is amazing. you guys, we're helping out so many kids, it's really, really cool. it makes me feel really good that we can come together and do something as fun as this. so now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've been waiting for. [ cheers ] you ready? performing with the legendary roots crew, singing "friday," please help me welcome, stephen colbert! [ cheers and applause ]
♪ ♪ 6:00 a.m. waking up in the morning, got to be fresh got to go downstairs ♪ ♪ got to have my bowl got to have my cereal, seeing everything time is a-going ♪ ♪ on and on everybody's brushing, got to get down to the bus stop ♪ ♪ got to catch my bus, i see my friend ♪ ♪ sitting in the front seat sitting in the back seat ♪ ♪ got to make my mind up
which seat can i take ♪ ♪ it's friday, friday going down on friday ♪ ♪ everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend ♪ ♪ friday, friday, getting down on friday ♪ ♪ everybody's looking forward to the weekend ♪ ♪ partying, partying yeah ♪ ♪ partying, partying yeah ♪ ♪ fun fun fun fun looking forward to the weekend ♪ ♪ so chillin in the back seat in the front seat i'm driving ♪ ♪ cruizin' fast lane switching lanes with the car up on my side whoo ♪ ♪ passing by in the school bus in front of me ♪ ♪ like tick tock, tick tock one scream ♪ ♪ it's friday it's a weekend we're going to have fun ♪ ♪ yesterday was thursday, thursday ♪ ♪ today it is friday friday ♪ ♪ whee whee whee so excited
we so excited, we going ♪ ♪ to have a good day tomorrow is saturday and sunday comes afterword ♪ ♪ i don't want this weekend to end ♪ >> ladies and gentlemen taylor hicks! ♪ friday friday getting down on friday ♪ ♪ looking for the weekend and you know it's friday ♪ ♪ friday, friday, everybody loves a friday ♪ ♪ everybody's looking for the weekend, weekend ♪ ♪ partying partying yeah ♪ ♪ partying partying yeah ♪ ♪ having fun fun fun looking forward to the weekend ♪ >> jimmy: ladies and gentlemen, the knicks city dancers! ♪ friday, friday getting down on friday ♪ ♪ looking for the weekend weekend ♪ ♪ friday, friday getting down on friday ♪
♪ weekend, weekend ♪ partying, partying yeah ♪ ♪ partying, partying yeah ♪ ♪ partying, fun, fun, fun partying ♪ ♪ friday, friday >> 1 -- 2 -- 3 -- 4! ♪ friday, friday going to get down on friday ♪ ♪ for the weekend weekend ♪ ♪ friday, friday getting down on friday ♪ ♪ looking forward to the weekend, weekend ♪ ♪ partying, partying yeah ♪ ♪ partying, partying yeah ♪ ♪ fun fun fun fun fun fun yeah ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you stephen colbert, taylor hicks, and to the knicks city dancers. and thank you everybody who helped us raise so much money for a great cause! we'll be right back!
♪ friday, friday getting down on friday ♪ ♪ everybody looking forward to the weekend, weekend ♪ ♪ friday, friday getting down on friday ♪ ♪ everybody looking forward to weekend ♪ ♪ partying partying yeah ♪ ♪ partying partying yeah ♪ ♪ fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're a good man. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you, buddy. stephen colbert, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] this is lara. her morning begins with arthritis pain. that's a coffee and two pills. the afternoon tour begins with more pain and more pills. the evening guests arrive. back to sore knees. back to more pills. the day is done but hang on... her doctor recommended aleve. just 2 pills can keep arthritis pain away all day
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our first guest this evening is a wildly successful entrepreneur and philanthropist. he also happens to be the best point guard in the history of the game of basketball. [ cheers and applause ] he was an ncaa champion at michigan state. he led the l.a. lakers to five nba championships. he's also an olympic gold medalist. please welcome to our show, he's a legend, earvin "magic" johnson! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> how cool is that? to have the roots. man that was cool, man. >> jimmy: right the roots. >> man you got -- they the best in the world. >> jimmy: they're the best in the -- we wouldn't have a show with the roots. they're the greatest. >> i'm on with you and i got them. man, i'm good, man, i'm good. >> jimmy: can't beat this, right? >> oh, that tiger woods show you had? >> jimmy: yeah. >> you were funny, man.
>> jimmy: thank you very much. i was nervous, i was nervous. >> i was on the floor laughing. and i'm glad he had a good time with it. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly, right? i figured just get it out of the way, then no one else can do that. >> that was cool. i got to give you some on that. >> jimmy: good, good. >> that was good. that was good. >> jimmy: thank you. >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: now we have a lot to talk about. but the one thing i want to talk to you about, it's interesting that you own so much stuff. you own this show, basically. [ laughter ] you own everything. no, you really are, you're a great businessman. you actually bought soul train, which i am a big fan of soul train. so is questlove. >> yes. >> jimmy: he loves soul train. questlove actually deejays at the brooklyn bowl -- is it thursdays? >> questlove: every thursday. >> jimmy: every thursday night, and it's called "soul bowl." >> questlove: bowl train. >> jimmy: oh, bowl train. >> questlove: bowl train, yes. >> i can't wait to come and check him out. >> jimmy: what do you do? are you bringing it back to tv? >> i want to bring it back to tv. you know, we have over 300,000 photos. we have over -- >> jimmy: i love this. >> almost 1,100 episodes. it's -- and people, i don't care what color you are, learned how to
dance watching "soul train." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: soul train oh, yeah. they had the soul train line. >> exactly. >> jimmy: they had the two lines and people just dance out in the middle. >> and the one thing people still do at parties, is have a soul train line come down the middle. >> jimmy: totally. you've got to bring it back. it has to happen. >> i'm working hard at doing that right now. >> jimmy: have questlove host it. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] yes, yes, yes. >> jimmy: i think that would be fun. >> that would be a lot of fun, i can't wait. >> jimmy: now, the other thing i've got to say, and i said it backstage quickly, but this hbo documentary, "bird versus magic," or is it "magic versus bird?" >> it doesn't matter. >> jimmy: or doesn't matter, right? lennon/mccartney, mccartney/lennon, it doesn't matter. but i mean, that was phenomenal. >> thank you. >> jimmy: that was such a good -- listen to this you guys, i'm not kidding. it's called "bird and magic." >> yes. >> jimmy: they're making it a broadway musical. [ light laughter ] i mean, wait. so explain this to me, please. how are you going to get a singing and dancing larry bird on broadway? [ laughter ] how is this going to happen? >> or magic johnson. >> jimmy: no, i didn't say that, come on. i think you can do it. >> no.
i can go left to right real good. that's on the dance floor. but it's really -- what respect, to have bird and magic be on broadway. >> jimmy: yeah. >> people are saying that they respect how we play. neither one of the -- neither one of us will be acting in it, trust me, or singing in it. >> jimmy: what does larry think about it? i mean, he's got to be like -- >> larry was nervous. you know what he said? he said, magic, i can't believe a hick from indiana is going to be on broadway. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i love that. >> so it's cool. he's excited. he's excited. and it takes a lot to get larry excited, you know. >> jimmy: yeah, he's the quietest dude in the world. >> exactly, exactly. >> jimmy: i'm excited about that. i want to see how they're going to pull that off. i'll be the first one there. >> it's going to be interesting. will the actors be tall? 6'10" and 6'9"? >> jimmy: that's what i'm saying. there's not that many tall broadway actors. >> no, no. >> jimmy: not at all. >> exactly. ♪ ♪ sink a three-pointer ♪ i'm going to sink a three-pointer ♪
♪ i'm gonna dribble the ball i'm going to pass the ball i'm going to catch the ball i'm going to dunk it dunk it ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: they can with that. they can play with that. >> exactly. >> jimmy: hey, let's talk basketball. >> okay. >> jimmy: let's talk basketball. because the l.a. lakers, they're on fire. and they are -- i know. are they going to get a three-peat? >> i think they're going to three peat, what, 16-1 since the all-star break. we got kobe bryant which is the best player on the planet. you have two big men in gasol and bynum down low. ron artest is this great defense. and then the sixth man of the year, i think, in lamar odom, who is just truly a talented basketball player. the lakers really are playing at a high level right now. and then phil jackson is an unbelievable coach. >> jimmy: he's amazing. but, the word three-peat made me laugh. because didn't pat riley, didn't he trademark that? >> pat riley trademarked it. so he's going to make a lot of money. [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: if the lakers win. >> if the lakers win. >> jimmy: pat riley gets probably $15,000. what is going on? i love that that exists. he can trademark the word. >> exactly. >> jimmy: i'll trademark "the." [ laughter ] i'd be like, a multimillionaire. >> i tried to trademark magic but they said, no, it can't happen. >> jimmy: you can't do it? oh come on, that's ridiculous. who has it, david copperfield? [ laughter ] >> yeah, somebody has it, i was really upset, right? >> jimmy: ridiculous. i want to talk quickly, because i know you do so much charity work. and to let everyone know that if you go on magicjohnson.com you can find out all the info of all the cool stuff magic is doing for all the kids out there and for the good causes you do. >> i appreciate it. >> jimmy: i think it's a cool thing. we're going to talk more with magic johnson when we come right back you guys. earvin "magic" johnson, right here! come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
here. my man, we were talking about basketball. ncaa, any predictions? >> i think that the winner of the vcu/butler game is going to win the whole thing. >> really. so whenever wins that game -- really. >> i think. >> jimmy: i have money on uconn, can you change your prediction? [ laughter ] >> i think connecticut and kentucky are going to have to beat each other up to get to the championship and they'll be exhausted. i think that butler and vcu -- i think butler's going to do it. i think because of the senior leadership of mack and howard. i think they're going to pull it off. >> jimmy: i love it. we have to talk about dove men care. men plus care. you're doing this thing right now. what is this campaign? >> well, it's all about feeling comfortable in your own skin. and for me it's a great campaign because it's not really like a commercial. it was me telling stories on how i became a man and why i'm comfortable in my own skin and -- >> jimmy: oh, youtube videos and stuff? >> yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, you know -- >> jimmy: they'll send in videos and stuff like that. [ laughter ]
that's pretty good. >> yeah, exactly. but it's a great campaign. it had my dad it in, my sons, my daughter, and my wife. so it was like real cool. >> jimmy: the whole family is in it. >> and everybody said, you know what, dad, this is cool. when your kids say it's cool -- >> jimmy: makes you feel good. yeah. then you know it's cool. >> just like tonight they won't say it's cool you were with jimmy. they'll say it's cool that you were with the roots. >> jimmy: wait! [ laughter ] >> right, right, right, right, right, right. you know how that goes. right. like, you and i are not cool. but the roots is cool like -- >> jimmy: what? >> i know, i know, i know. >> jimmy: we are cool! >> i know. we are. >> jimmy: yeah. >> we know we are. >> jimmy: yeah, but together it's like two magnets, we can't -- we don't -- we're not cool together? >> it's like larry and i. you and i cool. larry bird cool like that. >> jimmy: you're comparing me -- let me just -- you're comparing me to larry bird? >> yeah, i saw your moves. >> jimmy: that's fantastic. this is pretty good. [ applause ] >> yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: i'll take that. >> you my boy now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i kind of -- are you on twitter and stuff? >> yeah, i'm on twitter. >> jimmy: are you really? >> yeah, it's fun.
you know, that whole social media thing is really cool. it brought me back to the kids in a sense. so i have a good time. >> jimmy: you have a blackberry or iphone? >> my hands are too big for all that. [ laughter ] the keys too small, man. i press my thumb, press all the keys. [ laughter and applause ] my hands too big. >> jimmy: follow @magicjohnson on twitter to see all gibberish. because he was pressing buttons. our thanks to the great magic johnson. we'll be right back with the lonely island! come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ wind blowing ] ♪ [ female announcer ] when is it okay to lose the cover-up? ♪ when you can. take the special k challenge... and lose an inch from your waist in two weeks. so lose your cover-up, and show off your confidence.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guests were nominated for a grammy for their last record "incredibad." and continue to produce killer digital shorts for "saturday night live." please welcome back to the show, akiva schaffer, jorma taccone and andy samberg aka, the lonely island! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: dude. >> hey. >> yeah. >> awesome town. >> jimmy: the dudes are here with passion. the dudes are here. guys, what's going down? [ cheers ]
>> jimmy: they love you. good to have you back on the show, my friends. >> colbert got you lubricated. >> jimmy: yeah. i don't know, they just love you. you're having a killer season on snl. i've got to say "i just had sex with akon." well done. >> thank you. >> jimmy: well played. do you have one where you were doing something with elton john this weekend? >> elton john is involved in the digital short. >> jimmy: that's all you'll say, very good. we'll wait. >> we're still shooting. >> jimmy: are you a winker? >> i hate winking and i did it because you told me to, then i was like, oh, i biebered. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? >> he winks all the time. he was on the show. we hung out. but he winks a lot. >> jimmy: he is winker. yeah, yeah, yeah. but you don't wink. i'm not a winker. >> i don't like winking, it creeps me out. >> you did it just there, we're going to make a gif out of it and pass it around. >> i think once you're over 18 it turns to pervy. when you're younger you can get away with it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wait, so you're saying kids are allowed to wink to a certain age? >> yeah, you're allowed to
wink -- it's like a reverse drinking. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: when you're at a certain age you're not allowed to do it anymore? >> yeah, exactly. >> jimmy: understood. >> i like that you coined a phrase, though. >> what? >> you pulled a bieber. >> i biebered. >> you biebered. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't pull a bieber, that's something totally different. [ laughter and applause ] you got a new record coming out. everyone's all excited about it. >> yeah, we do. >> jimmy: when is the record coming out? >> may 10th. >> may 10th. >> jimmy: may 10th. oh my gosh. >> and if you're interested -- >> jimmy: yes, we are. i saw that the record label didn't give it a lot of guff. >> yeah, a little friction, a little push-back. >> jimmy: yeah, because you all have your different ideas for the album cover and these got rejected -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: this is jorma, this is your album cover that you pitched. >> yeah. i didn't pitch it, we made it and then they -- they completely rejected it. it's shocking to me. >> jimmy: it's called balling on the moon. [ laughter ] >> yeah. i'm huge into hoops as anyone who knows me knows.
hoops, the old west, and lunar exploration. >> jimmy: the cowboys playing basketball. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: but in -- it's not even on the moon. you're clearly in a playground somewhere. >> no, no, he's on the moon, look at the earth. obviously. >> jorm, you should sign that and give to it magic johnson. >> jimmy: you should not give that to magic johnson. please leave him alone. >> he would love that. >> jimmy: akiva. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you -- when you said, hey, let's keep it simple. you wanted it simple. >> yeah, it's a philosophy that we have. >> jimmy: yeah. these two orcas when -- [ laughter ] >> if you've heard any of our songs you know we keep it very simple. >> jimmy: yeah, but this cover is anything but simple. i don't understand it at all. [ laughter ] >> you know what, i disagree. >> jimmy: yeah, agree to disagree. >> jimmy: and then, andy, you had one i thought was a great idea and they shot you down. >> this one, crazy the rejection on this one. >> jimmy: lonely island. three mork. [ laughter ] >> yeah. such a no-brainer. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is a no-brainer.
>> no-brainer. >> it's like they hate making money. >> jimmy: it's like people don't like --they don't like making money, exactly. >> jimmy: it's nothing about the picture of andy, though. look, look at andy's face. [ laughter ] >> that's the best picture we had of me. >> jimmy: i don't believe that. >> you know who liked that picture of me? my mom. [ laughter ] >> i think you look good, i think you look cute. >> jimmy: she's right. she's right. >> i have good thighs. >> jimmy: we do have --we do have. if i can get a drum roll please. [ drum roll ] we do have the actual cover. the one that made it through tests, through the record company. here we go. turtleneck and chains! yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: turtleneck and chains. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: you're singing -- is that -- you're thinking that style might be coming back? [ cheers ] >> we're bringing it back. turtleneck and chains. >> when we met each other, when we met each other in eighth grade, that was pretty much the look that we all had. >> jimmy: yeah. >> that is almost exactly.
>> jimmy: how'com none of you are looking at each other? >> it was just a tense day on set. wore talking about if you are in this killer outfit you pretty much have to splash a little drakkar noir on. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: now, i did say -- did you guys know or just show up to the photo shoot wearing the same outfit? >> it was a happy accident. >> jimmy: it was a happy --yeah. >> it was embarrassing at first, and then it became our album cover. >> jimmy: how long was it embarrassing for? >> with us, it was about 2.3 seconds. >> jimmy: yeah. now you guys, tonight you have a big world premiere of the video. >> yeah, right here. >> jimmy: right here on our show. for the first time. [ cheers and applause ] do you want to set it up at all? tell the title of the song? >> yeah, well it's the first song on the album. track 1. and, uh -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're doing good. >> it's not a hidden track. >> jimmy: oh hey, there you go. a lot of good info. >> we felt like last album it was very immature, you know.
a lot of sort of -- you know, lowbrow humor, whatever. yeah, so we decided this time to sort of go all-out. >> jimmy: you're older now. >> wiser. >> akiva has a baby now. >> a baby. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: you're saying that you're older -- >> let's go on the program. >> jimmy: you are older now, wise you're saying, grown up a little bit, enough of the silly stuff? >> exactly. that's kind of the direction we took it in. it's called we're back. >> yeah, we're back. it's a declaration. >> jimmy: here we go, you guys. the lonely island world premiere of "we're back." [ cheers ] ♪ yo, new lonely island 2011 ♪ ♪ hey yo, my [ bleep ] don't [ bleep ] this ♪ ♪ the girl is looking at me like you're for real dude ♪ ♪ hold up hold up we've got to go harder than that tell them andy ♪ ♪ i think there might be something wrong with my [ bleep ] ♪ ♪ it's like i'm melting a stick of butter ♪ so soft that it can't
feel the rubber ♪ ♪ come on man this is lonely island people are counting on us ♪ ♪ i got to write all these mother -- myself ♪ ♪ i think i broke my -- it's so small and ugly ♪ ♪ it's smashed and flat like it was playing rugby ♪ ♪ hold up, hold up, this is serious ♪ ♪ you're for real though i suffer from stinky -- ♪ ♪ every time i take a -- it smells just like -- ♪ ♪ haha yeah, that's what i'm talking about ♪ ♪ andy show them how it's done ♪ ♪ my --looks like the fat that you cut off a steak ♪ ♪ like lonely island grammy nominated, yeah hit 'em again ♪ ♪ straight out the pot with my soggy little drip ♪ ♪ i was an 8-year-old girl before the doctor cut off my -- ♪ ♪ we make too much money but -- murder music ♪ ♪ i think goes bad cause my -- ♪ breaks fresh water -- suppository music ♪ ♪ what you all know about cutting it? ♪ ♪ i got hepatitis c from a horse, but no confusing it wasn't from the sex it was the blood transfusion ♪ ♪ what -- that's horse blood
♪ i'm riding freaky bad -- who i would like to see that, you're just going on ♪ ♪ i got a friend named brecky who lives down at the dump ♪ ♪ every other week i swing by and bring him some lunch ♪ oh now that just sounds nice i'm gonna call it right there ♪ game over mother -- ♪ lonely island, we started this fake rap [ bleep ] the world needs us ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very different. you've grown up. >> yep. >> jimmy: very mature. >> mature, yeah. >> a whole new era. >> jimmy: the lonely island. don't miss "saturday night live" this weekend. well done, guys. "turtleneck and chains" is out may 10th. preorder it now. the lonely island. everybody, up next comedian joey kola, come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ a wipe is a wipe
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. i used to open up for this comedian when i was 17 years old. he was nice to me back then and he's just as nice now. you may know him from his appearances on the "martha stewart show." he's got a dvd out now and he'll be performing at the brokerage in long island april 15th and 16th and gotham comedy club april 22nd and 23rd. give it up for joey kola! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> wow, what a show this is! [ cheers and applause ] you're a good boy. anyway, wow. it snowed today too, did you see that? [ cheers ] cold in new york. i actually like the winter. i like the winter for two reasons. first reason, the dog poop
freezes. [ laughter ] and i'm the only one who cleans up after his dog. my wife and kids want a dog. can we get a dog dad, let's get a dog, get them a dog honey, get them a dog, can we have a dog, they got a dog, why can't we? i get them a dog just so i don't have to hear a york accent -- accent saying dog, dog, can we get a dog, let's get a dog, have a dog. dog. i got them a dog. it was a big dog too. now one of these little dogs that poops double aa batteries. i got a big dog. five cigars, every time he goes. he just lays them out there. even when you're cleaning. that's what my dog does. my dog poops while you're cleaning his other poop. is that the biggest disrespect you can ever get? like, hey, thanks for cleaning my poop, but there's some more poop. i'm going to put another one here, another one here, another one here. and then when i'm done i'm going to kick it up in the air for you, how about that. [ laughter ] i'm going to kick on some grass, and dirt, and poop. he shot into the pool cover. that's how far he shoots the poop. his son of a -- dog i hate him. he -- my wife's got the radar too. she yells the dog pooped in the backyard, he went in the backyard. it's under three feet of snow, how do you know it's there? it's back there, i know. we got company, how do you live
with yourself knowing there's poop back there. [ laughter ] she's got this poop radar. i grew up in the '70s. remember the '70s? nobody cleaned up poop in the '70s. we left it there. we left it there so long it turned white. remember white poop? [ laughter and applause ] you don't see white poop anymore. it got white and hard. then it turned -- just turned into powder. looked like little piles of cocaine next to the sidewalk. but nobody cleaned it. now people can't wait to clean up their dog's poop. i've got a neighbor wit ha little dog. he's got this blue bag he puts on his hand, he's like macgyver. poop in my hand fluffy. don't even let it hit the ground. it's too good. he's picked up the dog and squeezed the dog into his hand. [ laughter ] then he pulls the bag up, he ties, he twists the bag, he walks down the street twirling the bag like a cop on the beat. this idiot. i hate him. [ laughter and applause ] the son of a bitch, i hate him. remember the '70s? you guys remember. you saw poop, there was poop all
day, you walk around but nobody cleaned it. you know why else i like the winter? no marathons. i hate you marathon runners s.o.b.s. i frigging hate you. especially in new york. they shut down the verrazano bridge. who the hell are you to shut down the verrazano know bridge? next year new york marathon, do me a favor. get 5,000 treadmills. okay. put them in a room somewhere, set them all for 26 miles. whoever beeps first, you're the winner. [ laughter and applause ] take the treadmills, put them on ebay, get the money, give to it whatever cause you're running for but stay the hell off the highways when you run your marathon. you want to hear a true story? my brother and i -- when my brother and i watched one of the new york marathons about five, six years ago we're in his living room. and we're watching. this lady's running, doing pretty well. anybody know what happened? she's running and she -- [ makes farting noise ] she crapped herself. i swear to god. i look at my brother and i go, did she just poop herself? my brother goes, she crapped her pants. at the same time the announcer goes, it seems like she soiled herself jim, it looks like she's going to have the best time she ever had. looks like she's going to win the race for the women.
of course she's going to win the race, who wants to run behind her now and step in her crap? [ laughter ] and she kept on going. at what point in your life does that race become more important than crapping your pants? [ laughter ] i don't know about you. if that was me and i felt that coming out of there, i'd be like, oh you know what, i'm out, i'm out. maybe -- maybe i shouldn't have carbed up last night. and she was allowed to keep on going. no other sport are you allowed to poop yourself and keep on going. you don't see derek jeter hit a home run, he's rounding second -- [ makes farting noise ] he craps -- that's a ground-rule double. you poop yourself coming around second, that's a ground-rule double. and one of the steinbrenners would have his ass. [ laughter and applause ] now -- now, now i got to buy my wife a new cat. so, as much as i hate cleaning up after the dog he's a friendly guy. my cat, don't give a -- he doesn't care. my cat's like, look, i threw up there, the litter box smells, i'm taking a nap and you're an idiot. [ laughter ] well, i have something for you. rorw! rorw! rorw!
rorw! rorw! rorw! rorw! rorw! rorw! rorw! rorw! rorw! a hairball for you, how's that? not big enough? here's a whole other cat for you. what is that noise cats make before they throw up? it's like they're talking to you. got to go, got to go, got to go. ♪ i whip my hair back and forth ♪ ♪ i whip my hair back and forth ♪ ♪ friday, friday, looking for the weekend ♪ [ laughter ] thank you. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: joey kola, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] my thanks to ervin "magic" johnson, the lonely island, joey kola, my man. >> thank you! >> jimmy: you're the greatest. stephen colbert, the knicks city dancers, taylor hicks and the greatest band in late night, the roots right there, everybody. [ cheers ] stay tuned for carsoly
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