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tv   Late Night With Jimmy Fallon  NBC  January 21, 2012 3:05am-4:00am PST

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-- captions by vitac -- ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you so much. i feel the love, everybody. thank you. thank you so much. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. it's going to be a fun show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] some big news out of washington. in an effort to save $3 billion, president obama is trying to merge several federal organizations. which will be weird when a guy comes to your door and goes "fbi, here's your mail." [ laughter and applause ] you're too excited. calm down. [ laughter ] great audience. i love these guys. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. thank you, buddy. this is insane -- did you hear
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about this? during a campaign stop today, rick perry jokingly called on a mannequin during a question and answer session. [ laughter ] the weird part was it didn't even ask anything, and perry still gave the wrong answer. [ laughter and applause ] that's right. rick perry called on a mannequin during a q & a session. even worse recent polls actually show the mannequin is leading perry by 8%. [ laughter ] i liked what that mannequin had to say. check this out, on wednesday, doctors in mexico dropped a human heart on the pavement as it was being taken to a hospital. or as the doctors put it, five-second rule? [ laughter ] fresca. this is pretty strange. a growing number of companies are using prison inmates to handle customer service calls. a little annoying. the last time i asked to talk to a supervisor, i got shanked for snitching. [ laughter ]
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i mean, it's weird, prison inmates doing customer service. it's weird when you call up and you're like, "hi, i think this vacuum is missing an attachment." and he's like, "have you checked your rectum?" [ laughter ] what? i haven't. oh, i found it. yeah, never mind. [ laughter ] what is a vacuum for anyway? [ laughter ] ♪ all, right. thank you. some international news -- next month, north korea will release political prisoners to mark what could have been kim jong-il's 70th birthday. which is a bummer, cause that's what i was going to do for my birthday. [ laughter ] listen to this. today, irish beer maker guinness is building a new brewery that will be able to produce over one billion pints a year. [ cheers and applause ] wow. 1 billion pints, or as irish people call that, pre-gaming. [ laughter ]
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pre-game. and finally, a new study found that seniors can improve their brain function by playing video games. of course, it's a little annoying whenever they play mario cart they leave their left blinker on for the entire ride. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen we have a great show tonight. friday the 13, give it up for the roots everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: wait a minute. what? did you see what just happened there? [ laughter ] that was weird. dave, can we see a replay? [ laughter ] there it is, right there. i think -- i think that was a black cat. >> steve: oh no. >> jimmy: where did he go? i can't believe it. a black cat crossed my path on
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friday the 13th. [ audience oohs ] >> sorry, man. >> jimmy: isn't that like bad luck for seven years or something? >> no, that's if you break a mirror. but, this is still not good. [ laughter ] love your show, by the way. >> jimmy: yeah, thanks. is there any way for me to reverse my bad luck? >> there's one way, actually. >> jimmy: what is it? >> you have to beat a black cat in a staring contest. >> jimmy: okay. let's do this. [ applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ all, right! [ audience ohs ] you win again. give it up for friday the 13th
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black cat, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] oh my god, he's happy. he's a big fan of the show, though. >> steve: he loves the show. >> jimmy: we have a fantastic show tonight, you guys. one of my favorite people in the whole world, her new movie "joyful noise" is out today. queen latifah is here! [ cheers and applause ] also, "icarly" herself, miranda cosgrove is stopping by! [ cheers and applause ] and he's a great comedian and friend of the show, john mulaney is in the house! [ cheers and applause ] good times tonight. good times. you guys, today's friday, and that's usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. i check my inbox, return some e-mails, and of course send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] i'm running a bit behind, so i thought if you guys wouldn't mind, can i write out some thank you notes right now? [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. james, can i get some thank-you-writing note music, please? ♪
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wait, he's looking right into the -- oh, he's tebowing. [ laughter ] he's tebowing. >> steve: that's one cool black cat. >> jimmy: pretty cool, man. the black cat. yeah, he's a cool black cat. >> steve: yeah. tebow. >> jimmy: you can stop tebowing. that's not your thing. ♪ tebow with the elbow >> jimmy: thank you, james. thank you, hitchhikers, for always making me feel like i'm doing a great job. [ laughter and applause ] thank you, the yearbook committee in colorado that deemed a student's senior photo too sexy.
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don't feel bad. same thing happened to me with my senior photo. [ cheers and applause ] look at that guy. i was trying to grow a stache. >> steve: little stache. >> jimmy: it's a disgusting stache. look at that mustache. put it over my face. [ cheers and applause ] eight years from now, i lose my virginity. [ laughter ] >> steve: eight years from that day? >> jimmy: yeah, from that day. >> steve: or from now. >> jimmy: yeah, from now. [ laughter ] can't wait. one day. that's exciting. >> steve: it's going to be a cat. >> jimmy: thank you, adults who wear backpacks, for letting me know that i don't have to take you seriously. [ laughter ] can i talk to you guys for a
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second? [ laughter ] >> steve: no you may not. >> jimmy: okay. take care. thank you, british singer, brian ferry for marrying your son's ex-girlfriend. or as your son's therapist put it, ka-ching. [ laughter and applause ] that's a weird story, right? >> steve: yeah, that's not good. >> jimmy: what's that, dad? you did what? >> steve: oh dad, that's too soon. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. thank you, hot chocolate packets that come with marshmallows. [ cheers and applause ] or as they're called, 15 seconds after being made, hot chocolate. [ laughter ] they just kind of disappear, yeah. ♪ thank you, super drunk girl dancing at a rave, for looking like you're doing an impression of one of those wind sock men they have outside car dealerships.
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[ cheers and applause ] i like those dudes. thank you, five hour energy shots, for being like the espresso shot's annoying, louder younger brother who works at a gas station. [ laughter ] thank you, fruity pebbles, for being rice krispies that came out of the closet. [ laughter ] there you have it. those are my thank you notes. we'll be right back with more "late night," everybody. come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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we asked him to be part of an experiment to prove that febreze air effects can eliminate tough cooking odors. [ moderator ] take a deep breath and then tell me what you smell. wow. it takes you kinda to like an island. like a paradise. [ sniffs ] vanilla. [ sniffs ] i smell caramel, like a caramel candy. [ moderator ] go ahead and take your blindfold off. ah man. ♪ [ laughs ] wow man! [ laughs ] [ male announcer ] eliminate tough odors with febreze air effects so you can breathe happy guaranteed. ♪ see? he's taking his vitamins. one a day vitacraves plus omega-3 dha is a complete multivitamin for adults. plus an excellent source of omega-3 dha in a great tasting gummy. one a day, gummies for grown-ups.
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so every year my family throws this great reunion in austin. but this year, i can only afford one trip and i've always wanted to learn how to surf. austin's great -- just not for surfing. so i checked out hotwire. and by booking with them, i saved enough to swing both trips. see, hotwire checks the competition's rates every day so they can guarantee their low prices. that's how i got a 4-star hotel on the beach in san diego for half price. ♪ h-o-t-w-i-r-e ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all, right. that is grammy-nominated artist meshell ndegeocello sitting in with the roots tonight. [ cheers and applause ] there's the new album right there, "weather." thank you so much for being here. >> i'm so excited. i love you. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. right back at you, pal. i always have trouble with your last name. >> that's okay. >> jimmy: what's the worst anyone ever called it? >> annette funicello. >> jimmy: that's pretty good. annette funicello. thanks so much for being here. you're awesome. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: fantastic. our first guest is an oscar nominated actress, grammy award-winning performer, and best selling author. her new film -- look how pretty she is. [ cheers and applause ] oh, come on. her new film "joyful noise" is
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in theaters today. ladies and gentlemen, queen latifah! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ a natural beauty don't need no makeup to be a cutie she's a queen ♪ ♪ she's a queen she's a natural beauty don't need no makeup to be a cutie ♪ ♪ she's a queen [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we love you so much. >> nobody told me that annette funicello was going to be here tonight. [ laughter ] oh my god. >> jimmy: there she is, yeah. >> really dig that the cello with no strings. >> jimmy: how are you, my friend? >> i'm good. happy new year to you. >> jimmy: thanks for coming back. happy new year to you. >> i haven't seen you this year. >> jimmy: i know. >> what's up roots crew? >> jimmy: oh, we love having you. [ cheers and applause ] big, big, big news already, you're kicking off the year with total awesome news. you're going to host your own talk show. >> i am. >> jimmy: this is awesome. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jumping back in the game, jimmy. they pulled me back in. >> jimmy: why are you doing it? >> because i think it would be great. i think -- you know, a lot of people came at me, i guess when oprah decided she was going to retire. it seemed like everyone wanted me to come sort of take her spot. and, i just feel like nobody can take oprah's spot. oprah is oprah. >> jimmy: yeah. oprah is oprah, yeah. >> and, she'll always be oprah, you know? >> jimmy: yeah. >> so, i just kind of let everybody do their thing. and i thought that this could be a really cool way. and i'm doing it with overbrook, will and jada's company. so it's us, flavor unit, and overbrook, and sony pictures entertainment. so i think between us all, we can find something fun to do every day, something positive. and we can win! [ cheers and applause ] we can win! we can win! >> jimmy: and it will be daytime? >> daytime network. >> jimmy: now will you have celebrities on? >> of course. >> jimmy: can i come on? >> you can, of course, come on. you better give me some coaching. man, i'm going to need some extra tips here and there. >> jimmy: no, i don't think so. i think you're a pro. i mean, but, does this mean you're going to stop doing movies? >> no, no, no. >> jimmy: you got to do more. >> no, no, no we always do movies. >> jimmy: you got to make some time for that, right? >> i mean, it's you know, that talk show schedule is really
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tough. but we'll probably be shooting in l.a. if i can't do movies myself, i'll be producing them. so, you'll see my face in the place. i can't give up the acting. >> jimmy: yeah, that's good. yeah, yeah, yeah. >> come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: now, this is a big football weekend. i know -- >> go giants! >> jimmy: -- you're a giants fan, yeah, absolutely. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> it came out. go giants! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you still look cute, though. >> i can't help it. >> jimmy: you can't help it. you're always smiling even when you're mad. >> go giants. go giants. that better? >> jimmy: go gi-gis. >> go gi-gis. >> jimmy: no one calls them gi-gis. >> nobody calls them the gi-gis. >> jimmy: it's not -- no, gi-gi. but you're a big giants fan, right? >> i am. >> jimmy: and, this is a big game. this is a crazy weekend. >> this is actually an awesome game. this is one of those football games that you look at it as if it's the super bowl. i mean, green bay and the giants? like, this is good tv. >> jimmy: it's good tv. and tim tebow and tom brady tomorrow. >> i know, i mean this is crazy. >> jimmy: that means tebowing all the time. everyone's tebowing it, man. you got to -- everyone's tebowing it, man. >> i'm like what do you mean they tebowing?
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you mean praying? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, yeah. [ applause ] >> oh, you mean he's praying. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah. that's what it used to be called. i didn't know what it was called. >> i get it now. everybody's praying. >> jimmy: tebow, yeah. >> but that's all right. however you got to get it done. >> jimmy: we're going to indianapolis -- >> he's so cute by the way. >> jimmy: -- for the super bowl. oh, tebow. >> yeah. he's fine. >> jimmy: yeah, he's a good dude. [ cheers and applause ] he's a tall drink of water. >> he's a tall glass of water, that's what i'm talking about. >> jimmy: we're going out there to do the super bowl in indianapolis. i know that you sang -- >> i know. >> jimmy: -- you sang at the superbowl. >> i sang at the super bowl twice -- a couple times. >> jimmy: is it crazy? is it nerve racking? >> it is the sickest, craziest, most unbelievable, exhilarating performance you can do. i mean, you got 8,200,000,000 people watching you. you know what it is about for me? it ain't even about the game so much as when you're sitting there, and all of a sudden, like the blue angels come flying over. all these planes come flying over. it's like -- [ imitates plane sound ] >> jimmy: yeah, and everything's shaking. >> or, the stealth bomber. you like dude, this is the super bowl! you know? [ applause ]
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so i get pumped up. i get real pumped up. >> jimmy: that's good. so yeah, we are excited about that. i'm excited about your movie too, "joyful noise." >> "joyful noise." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "joyful noise." dolly parton. oh, my gosh. >> dolly p. >> jimmy: oh my gosh. i love -- i love, love, love dolly parton. >> i could not love her more. >> jimmy: i love dolly parton. >> she's amazing. she's so funny, so cool. >> jimmy: she's funny, she can sing -- >> quick witted. >> jimmy: -- she's gorgeous, super fast. >> all my uncles have a crush on her. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i mean, they call me, "so, how is it going?" more importantly, "how is dolly parton?" >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, how's dolly? >> get your 14-year-old mind out of the gutter. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. where did you shoot the movie? >> we shot it in atlanta earlier this year, and it was really great. like, we got a lot of fan support. cause you know, it's about this, you know, choir that competes in these gospel competitions, i.e., the "joyful noise" competitions. and they come from kind of a depressed town, going through tough times with the recession. and i get appointed choir director after kris christopherson's character
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has a heart attack. and that's dolly parton's character's husband, so she thinks she should get the job. i wind up getting the job, i.e. the conflict. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> the source of conflict, you know. but, you've got to have fun with that. but, it's real uplifting, real funny. >> jimmy: so, it's like "glee"-ish, basically if "glee" had a lot of money to make a movie, yeah. >> i mean, it's darn near musical. i mean, there's so much good music. she wrote songs for it. mervyn warren did the songs for it. >> jimmy: oh, it's killer. i mean, you're doing like also "man in the mirror?" >> yes. >> jimmy: "maybe i'm amazed?" >> yes. >> jimmy: and you got some good songs on there too. >> they have a kanye joint. >> jimmy: i mean, come on, right? >> even some chris brown up in there. >> jimmy: right. oh, really? >> yes, yes. but, the lyrics are all re-written. so it's kind of praising. >> jimmy: uplifting, yeah, yeah, yeah. cool thing the soundtrack is killer. the nice thing about you, is that everyone in the audience gets a cd to go home with. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you are the greatest. you are the greatest. you always bring it. you bring the fun. you bring the fun. you bring the love. it's a fun movie. it makes you feel good. it makes you feel good.
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and it puts a smile on your face. we have a clip of "joyful noise." it's out right now. here's queen latifah and dolly parton. >> you know, it must really gripe your ass to know there's somebody that you can't charm. he's so hilarious. he's so earthy. >> well, i am who i am. >> maybe you were five procedures ago. now you are whoever you need to be to make everybody love you. oh, g.g.'s so larger than life. well, it pisses me off. ♪ >> you want to know what pisses me off? >> not particularly. >> you are going to hear it. it is your horrible rigid self righteousness. who gives a rat's ass if i've got a few little nips and tucks. god didn't make plastic surgery so they could starve. but you could use a complete face lift. >> i feel fine about myself. >> i don't see how you could, you old sinful heifer. >> your daughter didn't even come to her own father's funeral. >> you are so convinced your way
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is the only way there is. infallible, untouchable, unlovable, thigh rolled hell. >> quit it with those nails, edward scissorhands. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how fun is that? yeah. >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: we always have so much fun when you're here. i want to know would you like to play a game? can we play a game? [ cheers and applause ] >> i always want to play a game. >> jimmy: when we come back, you guys, queen latifah and i are playing charades! come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ we know a place where tossing and turning have given way to sleeping. where sleepless nights yield to restful sleep. and lunesta can help you get there, like it has for so many people before. when taking lunesta, don't drive or operate machinery until you feel fully awake. walking, eating, driving, or engaging in other activities while asleep, without remembering it the next day, have been reported.
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all for only 8 bucks a month from netflix. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. i'm here with the great queen latifah. "joyful noise" is in theaters right now. my main man, higgins over here. we're going to play a game of charades. or you call it char-ads. >> steve: char-ads. >> i like char-ads. >> jimmy: but first, queen latifah needs a partner. >> i do. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: she's an oscar nominee, multiple grammy-award winner, song writing legend and co-star of "joyful noise, please welcome, the one and only dolly parton! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. oh, my goodness. i love it. >> dolly: come on. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. [ cheers and applause ] all, right. you all know how to play charades, okay? >> dolly: sort of. i'd rather sing, but i'll try. i'll try. >> jimmy: every player gets a turn at giving clues to their teammates, 45 seconds on the clock. the first two rounds are worth one point each. okay, and the third round is a charades showdown. so, me and latifah will go against each other. >> oh god, i haven't played charades -- >> jimmy: we'll do the same clue at the same time. >> -- since i was a little kid. >> jimmy: it's going to be fun. all, right. so higgins will sit down. steve, you go first. dolly, you can sit over here.
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>> dolly: okay. >> i've got to go first? >> jimmy: yeah. >> just pick anyone, right? [ laughter ] i'm going for lucky -- >> jimmy: don't pick that one -- no, no, no. pick that one. pick that one. wait, let me think. let me think. let me think. >> seven, it's a good number. do i have to pick from that side? >> jimmy: no, you can pick from any side. >> all right. >> steve: not that one, though. >> oh my god. okay, so this is -- >> jimmy: oh, yeah, we're going. okay, here we go. >> right, no? >> jimmy: yeah, you can do that. that's tv. >> dolly: rolling? [ laughter ] rolling -- rolling. rolling. [ laughter ] picture -- rolling -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wheel? >> dolly: wheel? wheel? rolling on the wheel? wheeling? [ laughter ] i'd rather sing. okay. [ talking over each other ]
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do it again. okay, so, it's either rolling -- >> jimmy: how many words? rolling. [ buzzer ] [ sad tuba ] [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: what was it? what was it? >> wheel of fortune. >> ah! >> jimmy: i love it. you were like -- ♪ rolling, rolling -- started singing. i was like dolly, you don't have to sing your guesses. >> i wish it was "rolling down the river." [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: what number? [ cheers ] here we go. >> steve: jaws. [ cheers ] i hope its not modern. [ laughter ] no, no, no, i guess his. >> okay, okay. >> you can do it! >> steve: uh-oh. >> oh boy, oh boy. >> steve: this is not a good one. >> he's good at this. >> steve: this is not a good one. >> jimmy: ready? >> steve: i -- wait. now. >> jimmy: not doing anything yet. ready? >> steve: yes. movie. three words. first word. [ laughter ]
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rock. rock roll. rock, dance. dance. third word. [ laughter ] "dances with wolves." >> jimmy: yes! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> dolly: i go next. >> jimmy: yeah, you go after that. audience, help her out. what number should she pick? [ cheers and applause ] >> dolly: three? i'll take three. >> jimmy: three is good. >> dolly: okay. >> jimmy: i know, i'm sorry. i know. >> dolly: okay, so -- >> tv. three words. >> dolly: mm-hmm. >> me and you. you and i. two. brake your ass in two. [ laughter ]
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break. to break and pour -- >> jimmy: tv show two. >> tv show two. two, okay. second word? first word? >> jimmy: first word is two. >> first word is two. >> steve: second word is -- >> two break. >> jimmy: not a whole but a -- too broke for tv. [ laughter ] too broke for me. [ applause ] [ buzzer ] ♪ >> jimmy: that was great. that was great. "two broke girls." that was great, you did a great job. >> dang you were good. [ shouting ] >> jimmy: higg-bones. >> dolly: i am too. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: no, this is great. [ cheers ] you just got lasik, didn't you? >> steve: yeah, i did. does it look good? >> jimmy: yeah, it looks great. >> let's try and show them the card too. [ laughter ]
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>> jimmy: not a good one? >> steve: well no, it should be quite easy. >> jimmy: okay. [ laughter ] ready? >> steve: yes. ♪ song >> steve: that means general idea. >> jimmy: okay, general idea. the twist. let's twist again like we did last summer. chubby checkers. two words. three words. first word, twist -- twisting the night away. twist and shout! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ here we go. >> i knew that one. >> jimmy: how many twisting songs are there? this is for all the marbles. >> all right. >> jimmy: whoever wins this, wins the whole deal. >> steve: "benjamin button." >> jimmy: don't guess already. go for it. >> ah. >> jimmy: we both have to give these clues at the same time. you guess, and you guess. [ audience ohs ] oh, we're going to take that one? [ laughter ] >> all right. >> jimmy: okay. you can do this. >> okay.
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>> jimmy: all right? okay, ready? so you and dolly and me and higgs. ready dude? we can do this. >> steve: tv show. two words. first word. >> jimmy: salute. >> dolly: heart. >> steve: wait, flag, flag. >> dolly: my heart. >> steve: america -- "america's got talent." america -- >> dolly: you, me -- >> jimmy: america song. america singing. [ laughter ] >> dolly: "american idol"? ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you won. come from behind win. [ cheers and applause ] queen latifah and dolly parton! "joyful noise" is in theaters right now! miranda cosgrove joins us next. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] alka-seltzer plus presents: the cold truth.
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i have a cold. and i took nyquil but i'm still stubbed up. [ male announcer ] sorry, buddy. truth is, nyquil doesn't un-stuff your nose. what? [ male announcer ] it doesn't have a decongestant. really? [ male announcer ] you need a more complete cold formula, like alka-seltzer plus liquid gels. it's specially formulated to fight your worst cold symptoms, plus relieve your stuffy nose. [ deep breath ] thank you! [ male announcer ] you're welcome. that's the cold truth! [ male announcer ] and to fight your allergy symptoms fast, try new alka-seltzer plus allergy. when i'm on the night shift. when they have more energy than i do. when i don't feel like working out. when there isn't enough of me to go around. ♪ when i have school. and work. every morning. it's faster and easier than coffee. every afternoon when that 2:30 feeling hits. -every day. -every day. every day is a 5-hour energy day. [ male announcer ] 5-hour energy. every day.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to "late night," everybody. you know our next guest as a best-selling pop music artist and also from movies like, "the school of rock," and "despicable me," and of course, from her nickelodeon mega-hit, "icarly." please welcome back to the show a talented young lady, miranda cosgrove! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: miranda, we love you. you look beautiful. thank you for coming back to our show. >> yeah, thanks for having me again. >> jimmy: i appreciate it -- oh, please. i always ask you this every time you come on. >> oh, no. >> jimmy: did you get your driver's license? >> okay, i have a car, but i don't have a driver's license. [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: wait, why -- you bought a car? >> i know, it's backwards. >> jimmy: what kind of a car did you get? >> i got -- >> jimmy: toyota avalon?
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>> it's kind of like the first i've ever splurged on anything. it's a white porsche cayenne. [ scattered cheers ] >> jimmy: porsche what? >> cayenne? >> jimmy: cayenne? >> it's an suv. >> jimmy: so it's spicy. >> yeah, cayenne. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: cayenne pepper. yeah, that's good. wait, so we've got a porsche cayenne and no license. >> no license. >> jimmy: very smart. >> thank you. >> jimmy: why are you not -- okay, you're 18, right? >> yes. >> jimmy: come on. >> i took my driver's -- like, i went to a driving school the other day, and i took a lesson, and it's supposed to be six lessons. i took my first one and i'm never going back. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: why, what happened? >> it was horrible. i was with this guy. he was really nice. he was totally calm and collected at first. and i'm used to driving with my mom and she's freaking out all the time. so he made me feel better automatically about my driving. and it was going great, and then about two hours in he was telling me about how he was a deejay and how it was really dope -- >> jimmy: oh, god. >> -- and all this stuff. >> jimmy: dope? >> dope. he used the word dope a lot. >> jimmy: oh my goodness. >> so then i'm sitting -- >> jimmy: i would have gotten right out of the car. i'd rather walk. [ laughter ] >> yeah, it was a little weird. >> jimmy: "you got to hear me spin, it's pretty dope." >> it's pretty dope. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "i get on the wheels of steel, man, you don't know what's going to happen."
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[ light laughter ] dope. >> so i'm sitting there with this guy. and then he realized, cause he was talking about his family and wife and how dope his deejay job was, and then he lost track of time and we got about 45 minutes away from where he was supposed to be dropping me off, and he flipped out. he like, totally -- it was a 180. he completely changed, started flipping out. he grabbed the wheel while i was driving. >> jimmy: what? >> and he screamed, "no hesitation!" at the top of his -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wait, what he yell? >> "no hesitation!" >> jimmy: no hesitation! >> it was crazy. and now my whole family says that. >> jimmy: no hesitation? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what does that mean? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: no hesitation? >> yeah, he screamed it like a lunatic. and then i told my family and a bunch of my friends, and now we use that all the time. like constantly if anybody's not sure about something, we're just like, "no hesitation!" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no hesitation -- that's your new slogan? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i've got to -- i saw you tweet this out. you're starting to paint. >> yes. >> jimmy: i like this guy. [ cheers and applause ] beautiful. >> thanks. it's my first try. >> jimmy: this is your first painting ever? >> yeah, i mean, i draw a lot, but this is my first time painting anything.
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>> jimmy: oh my gosh. but it keeps on beating. i like that. broken heart, but it keeps on beating. i get it. i can't believe how talented you are. i would not be able to do this at all. >> well, thanks. >> jimmy: i can't even draw a heart. i can try to draw a heart here. >> all right. that's not bad. >> jimmy: it's not bad, it's awful. it looks like a -- [ applause ] >> it's kind of like a balloon -- >> jimmy: -- it looks like a balloon and like with two legs. i don't know what it looks like. it looks like a tooth that's been yanked out of my mouth. [ light laughter ] anyways i'm an awful artist, but that is just pretty awesome. and it's called tim -- tim burton-esque. >> yeah, i thought it was tim burton-esque. >> jimmy: i think that's super cool. and you just decided, you and your friend, like "hey, let's get canvasses and paint." >> yeah, i was at this art store and i randomly bought some canvasses and we just made my house a huge mess. we were in the kitchen, paint was everywhere -- >> jimmy: i love you're splurging now. you're just buying porsche cayenne's -- >> i'm going crazy. >> jimmy: painting. yeah, you're just going nuts. i've got to ask you about this cause this is super cool. thanks for coming on our show, because i know this morning you were in d.c. >> yeah. i got to go to washington, d.c. --
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>> jimmy: with the first lady. >> -- yeah, the first lady was there. it was really exciting. >> jimmy: look at this. [ applause ] what are you guys doing here? >> we actually went to this school, and it's in honor of this episode that we got to do that she's in. and we talked to military families, cause that's what the whole episode's about. and it was fun, there were a bunch of military families there, and we just answered questions and we hung out with them. >> jimmy: i mean, and how is the first lady? she's awesome, right? >> she's great. she's really funny. she has great comic timing. she made everybody laugh. yeah, really cool. >> jimmy: it looks like you guys turned it into like, a dance party. >> yeah, we went crazy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what happened? you just started dancing? >> well, we do this thing on "icarly" called random dancing. so we decided to random dance, and we did it for about five minutes. it was no joke. we were on stage dancing for a long time. >> jimmy: oh my goodness. that's pretty weird, right? i'm going to do that next time i see -- i'll be like, "hey, what's up?" [ laughter ] go for it. how do you get the first lady to come on your show? >> well, i guess she watches the show with her daughters. and she noticed that my character, carly on the show, her dad's in the military. and she does all this stuff really supporting military
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families. so she decided to come on the show. she approached us about it. it was crazy. >> jimmy: no way. >> it was really exciting. >> jimmy: and how was she on the show? was she great? >> yeah, she's really good. she had a lot of lines. and it was her first time acting, so she said she was a little nervous. >> jimmy: oh my gosh. well, we actually have a clip of the show right now. so here's the first lady on "icarly." we figure it's the perfect time to play our favorite game. [ cheers and applause ] is jimmy wearing a hat or criticizing a hamster? whoo! >> let's do this. [ laughter ] >> 60 seconds on the clock. and, jimmy! >> is jimmy wearing a hat or criticizing a hamster? [ ding ] >> hat! >> and now -- >> random dancing scene! ♪ >> jimmy: how cool is that! [ cheers and applause ] how cool is the first lady? i mean, come on. >> pretty cool.
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>> jimmy: dancing around, random dancing. >> random dancing with her. >> jimmy: we love your show. we have two writers that came on last time and annoyed you that time. >> yeah, i love them. >> jimmy: no, we don't. we don't like them. so we watch it all the time. and we love penny tees. you wear these t-shirts that have like, the most random things on them. >> weird things. >> jimmy: weird things, like two words that have nothing to do with each other. >> exactly. >> jimmy: like, i can't even think of an example. it's just always like rock, pizza. >> we have like, pearl baby. >> jimmy: pearl baby. yeah, i mean, there's just so many weird t-shirts. but i love them, they're called penny tees. i thought maybe we should just come up with some random ones right now. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i have some balls with random words on there. so you spin that out. and i'm going to spin mine up here. we'll see what we end up with. and we'll make a random t-shirt. we'll get them made. [ balls shuffling ] maybe go the other way. >> okay. there it goes. >> jimmy: all right. >> all right. >> jimmy: i got zipper. >> turtle. [ laughter ]
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>> jimmy: wait, let's bring it to the camera here. face camera one there. a turtle zipper. all right, so that's the new t-shirt, you guys, turtle zipper. [ cheers and applause ] go out to your store and get some turtle zippers. we're going to see if we can get one made. >> all right. >> jimmy: the wardrobe department is on call. they're getting ready to do it right now. so, you guys, do not miss michelle obama on "icarly" this monday, january 16th. [ cheers and applause ] up next, comedian john mulaney. miranda and i will see you after the break! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> the best thing about spring is the snow melts, the spring seasonals come out, there's life again. >> man: alpine spring is our new spring beer. with sam adams alpine spring, we wanted to make something bright, citrusy and refreshing. >> man: as a style we started with helles, and we said, hey, what if we let that thing out of the box? let's use more malt, more hops. while it is very malty, it has a very nice, citrusy character. >> man: sam adams alpine spring. it's a perfect balance. >> citrusy but not overwhelming.
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>> smooth with a nice, sweet taste. >> alpine spring. it's a great spring beer. [ ding ] dirty mouth, huh? what have you been up to? [ party goers ] go! go! go! yayyy! go! go! go! yayyy! go! go! go! go! how do you like them apples? he didn't do nothin'. orbit. for a good clean feeling. no matter what.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: fun, yeah. turtle zip. you guys, our next guest is a very, very funny comedian who is also a writer and producer on "saturday night live." his comedy central special, "new in town" premieres saturday, january 28th at 10:00 p.m, with a dvd and cd out right after. give it up for our pal, john mulaney! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> hi. how you doing? [ cheers and applause ] hi, thank you. i'm john mulaney. and not a lot of people know this, but for years and years, i was a child. and during that time, i was
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always very nervous. i was a really anxious kid. but what's nice, is that now that i'm older, a lot of the things that used to bother me, don't bother me at all anymore. like, i always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. [ laughter ] you watch cartoons, and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life, behind actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky. i got older, not only have i never stepped in quicksand, i've never even heard about it. no one's ever been like, "hey, if you're coming down to visit me, take fifth avenue, cause seventh avenue has a little quicksand right now. i have a girlfriend now. [ cheers and applause ] which is -- yeah. it's cool, but it's weird because i'm probably gay based on the way i act and behave. [ laughter ] and walk and then move my legs in general. i think i was supposed to be gay. i think that's what happened. i think like, up in heaven, they built like three-quarters of a
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gay person and then they forgot to flip the final switch and they just sent me out. and they were like, "you marked that one gay, right?" and it was like, "oh, no, was i supposed to?" and they're like, "oh, well this will be a very silly person." [ laughter ] "this is going to be a very interesting person indeed." i was definitely gay when i was a little boy. [ laughter ] a lot of little boys are gay. you know, they're very flowy, and they have hard opinions on things. [ laughter ] i don't mean that i was a sexually active gay man when i was a child, that's not what i'm saying. i was more like a 65-year-old, 70-year-old gay man that's kind of over it sexually. you know what i mean? i was like an old queen. i would just walk out to recess and i would be like, "everybody get out of my way. i just want to sit here and feed my birds." the gym teacher would tell me to play kick ball, and i'd be like, "you want me to do what?" [ laughter ] oh, real quick, i was in a restaurant in new york, and i was in the bathroom and i was at
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the urinal, and this old gay man came in with a walker, and he stopped and he looked at me and he said, "i'm either having a drink or i have to pee. you're living the golden years, kid, not me." like, he spoke in rhymes, it was crazy. [ laughter ] it was such a weird interaction i wasn't sure if it actually happened. i walked out and i asked my girlfriend like, "did you see like, an old man go in the bathroom after me?" and she was like, "john, that bathroom's been closed for 40 years." [ light laughter ] whoa! i love my girlfriend very much. she's great. and i listen to everything she says. but i don't mean she bosses me around, i just listen to everything she says, because before i had a girlfriend, i never had someone who's always standing next to me who can just point out obvious things that are happening. [ laughter ] like, we'll be in a restaurant, and my girlfriend will be like, "you ordered your food a half an hour ago, it should be here by now." i'll be like, "yeah, it should." [ laughter ] it's like having a lawyer for everyday life. [ laughter ] she'll be like, "the bus driver shouldn't talk to you like that."
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and i'm like, "no, he shouldn't." before i had a girlfriend, i had no standard for how i should be treated as a human being. [ light laughter ] you could do anything to me. i was like a young motown singer. i was just shiny and dumb and easy to trick. [ laughter ] you're like, "you're going to give me a whole $100 for all of my songs? where do i sign, mr. berry gordy?" [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] now my girlfriend takes care of me, unless i'm not with her. like i'll travel alone sometimes, and then i'll tolerate any treatment. you know, like, i'll travel, i'll book a ticket on some garbage airline. i don't want to name an actual airline, so let's just make one up, let's call it like, delta airlines or something. [ laughter ] so i'll book a ticket on delta airlines, and i'll go to the desk and i'll go, "can i get on the airplane, please?" and they say, "no, it's delayed nine hours." and i go, "okay." and then i go to the bathroom. and then i come back from the bathroom and i say, "any updates?"
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and they go, "yeah, we took off while you were in the bathroom, because we hate you. now take this meal voucher. it doesn't work." and i go, "okay." and then i go over to the wolfgang puck garbage express, and i say, "can i have a cold sandwich, please?" and they go, "no!" and i go, "okay." and they go, "you're a little fat girl, aren't you?" and i go, "no!" and they go, "say it!" and i go, "i'm a little fat girl." and then i go over to the delta help desk, which is an oxymoron, and i go, "can i please go home on an airplane?" and they go, "no. in fact, we're going to frame you for murder. [ laughter ] and you're going to go to jail for 30 years." and i say, "why are you doing this to me?" and they say, "because we're delta airlines. and life is a nightmare." but if i was with my girlfriend, she would just be like, "let's see if southwest has any flights." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
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thanks very much, i'm john mulaney. thanks for listening. thank you, dude. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: phenomenal. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: john mulaney! phenomenal. the special airs saturday, january 28th, comedy central. john mulaney again, everybody! we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ 2:30 in the afternoon, a lot to do, and you've hit the wall. but you got to get stuff done. so take 5-hour energy. just open it up, knock it back, and roll up your sleeves. 5-hour energy is faster and easier than coffee. man, does it work. you'll get that alert, energized feeling you need to get stuff done. a lot of stuff. wow. look at you go.
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♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to queen latifah, dolly parton, miranda cosgrove, john mulaney, meshell ndegeocello, and the greatest band in late night, the roots, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for carson daly,


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