tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC June 24, 2014 12:36am-1:38am PDT
brian williams, christina hendricks, ilan hall. and the roots, ladies and gentlemen. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- hugh jackman kevin nealon
comedian ali wong featuring the 8g band with fred armisen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ and now, here he is, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ seth: good evening! i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? are we well? [ cheers and applause ] is everyone well? great. well, this week is fleet week with over 1,500 sailors and servicemen and women visiting new york city. give it up for fleet week. [ cheers and applause ] fleet week, of course, is the one week every year that your drunk friend jenny accidentally sleeps with an ice-cream man. [ laughter ]
"well, he was in the navy." "how do you know he was in the navy?" "he knew the navy song!" "what's the navy song?" ♪ da da da da da-da-da-da-da ♪ [ laughter ] "oh, i -- i think that was an ice-cream man." [ laughter ] "i don't know." "at the end of the night, did he get in a boat or a truck?" [ laughter ] that's right. it's fleet week when new york plays host to the crews of three u.s. navy ships and two coast guard clippers. but don't worry. the coast guard clippers are not owned by donald sterling. [ laughter and applause ] you don't have to worry. you don't have to worry about that. this is kind of cool. hip hop mogul jay-z is opening up a new nightclub at atlanta international airport. the club will feature three champagne fountains, four private rooms and zero elevators. [ laughter and applause ] just stairs.
jay-z's all about stairs from here on out. stairs, you can go up or down. you're not confined. [ laughter ] another recall in the news -- target and trader joe's have recalled over seven tons of hummus due to a possible bacterial contamination. officials became suspicious when they noticed the hummus had flavor. [ laughter ] they knew something was up. this is unfortunate. department store sears reported major losses for the second quarter in a row and will be forced to close 80 more stores. but i think this is a good strategy on their part. the stores they're closing are jc penney's. [ laughter and applause ] why not just close the competition? trouble at mcdonald's -- on wednesday, over 100 protesters were arrested in front of mcdonald's headquarters while protesting the company's low wages. what do we want?
higher wages. would you like fries with that? sure, why not. [ laughter ] that's probably how it went. i love this story. the creator of palcohol -- palcohol, which is powdered alcohol, released a psa this week, begging customers not to snort the product. [ laughter ] "we're sorry," said the customers, "but we are the type of people who would buy this product." [ laughter ] "when we see a powder, that's kind of our first thought." [ laughter ] this is an amazing story. a colorado woman, trapped in her overturned car for a week -- for an entire week managed to get help after writing messages on an umbrella and sticking it out of the wreckage. which begs the question, how many overturned cars do people in colorado ignore? [ laughter ] "overturned car, boring. overturned car, boring. oh, overturned car with an umbrella!
let's check it out!" [ laughter ] cool science news -- we're big fans of cool science news here at "late night." a group of scientists have started attaching sensors to sharks to help predict hurricane intensity. they're hoping the information they gather will save enough lives to offset the number of lives lost attaching sensors to sharks. [ laughter and applause ] this is pretty amazing. google's driverless cars -- have you heard about this? google has driverless cars. and the google driverless cars have driven more than a combined 700,000 miles on public roads without receiving a single citation. although, i'm not sure how that would even be possible. "license and registration? oh, no! [ light laughter ] we got another ghost car, chief. [ laughter ]
yeah, no, it's a ghost car." i have not -- not been drinking. [ light laughter ] i -- i snorted some alcohol. [ laughter ] i may have snorted some alcohol. [ applause ] you guys, i saw this morning that today is world goth day. not that you would ever understand! [ laughter ] bad news for college kids. according to a new survey, fewer than 2% of hiring managers said they were actively recruiting graduates with liberal arts degrees. said liberal arts graduates, "latte for karen?" [ laughter ] "it's corinne." [ laughter and applause ]
and finally -- not sure how to feel about this. a zoo in the philippines is offering a new massage where four pythons slither on top of customers. and if that sounds relaxing to you, happy world goth day! [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, this is the 8g band! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: how are we doing, 8g band? you guys sound excellent tonight. j. mascis, thank you so much for joining us all week long. it's been great having you here. [ cheers and applause ] and we look forward to your new record coming out this summer. and fred, it's always a delight to have you here. i feel like we've known each
other a long time, yet every time you're here, i feel like i learn something new about you. it's so great. >> fred: oh, great. thanks. [ laughter ] >> seth: i do. my one fear is like i do worry that sometimes people watching at home might think, just because of your so many accomplishments, that you might be making them up off the top of your head, you know? [ laughter ] i mean, i don't think that. i'm your friend. i believe everything you say. but i do worry that other people might think that. did you save someone's life last night? >> fred: yeah, i sure did. [ laughter ] >> seth: you did. you saved another person's life last night? >> fred: yes, i did. there was a champagne introduction at a museum. [ laughter ] >> seth: a champagne introduction at a museum. >> fred: a lot of snobby champagne drinkers, and they were all just looking at everything in the museum, all the paintings and everything. and the lights just started going dim and everything. so i just got -- i was just worried about what was going to happen in the museum so i just got everybody outside. [ laughter ]
i just said, "everyone, get out! go outside, go outside! everyone, go! single file!" you know? and only one person listened to me. [ laughter ] and i just got her as far away from the museum as i could. i just marched her out and i just said, "let's keep going, let's keep going." [ laughter ] and she had her champagne, her little flute of champagne. and -- i think i saved her life. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: but nothing happened at the museum, right? >> fred: well, i don't know yet because i have to go back and make sure. >> seth: i feel like we'd know. i feel like if something terrible had happened -- >> fred: but do we know? i don't know. [ laughter ] that's not my job. my job is to get her out. >> seth: older woman, younger? >> fred: much older, yes. an older woman. >> seth: sounds like she maybe was just confused about what was going on. [ laughter ] >> fred: yeah, i think she might have been. i don't know. that's not my concern. my concern is to get her -- it's very important to get her away. away. away from the building.
>> seth: where did you leave her? >> fred: 59th? and 11th avenue? way out there. [ laughter ] >> seth: so, you just got her out there and then you just went on your way? >> fred: yes, yes. i just -- that's as far as i could go. [ laughter ] >> seth: well, thank you so much for your service. >> fred: wait, it's not me. it's like -- that's, you know -- that's what i do. >> seth: okay. well, give it up for fred armisen, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] >> fred: thank you. >> seth: we have such a great show for you tonight. hugh jackman is here tonight. i'm such a fan of hugh jackman. and my first season of "snl," hugh hosted. he was an incredible host. and we did a sketch together. i wrote this sketch where we play two italian fashion photographers who had since fallen from grace and were taking photos of families in sears. [ laughter ] and it was one of the first sketches that i had written and made it on the show. my mom loved it and she asked me for a picture of it.
and so, i framed it for her and she hung it in her bathroom. and it's a picture of me and hugh jackman. she goes, "this will always be the space for whatever my favorite sketch of yours is." and then did i the show for 12 and a half years and she never replaced it. [ laughter ] and i'm realizing she never really was about the sketch. she just wanted a picture of hugh jackman. so, i figured her out. also, my mom was here on monday with my father. and my mom broke her shoulder, and she's been doing a lot of rehabilitation, and she's been very proud of her rehabilitation. and she was in the crowd. and so i asked the camera to cut to her and i asked her to sort of show off for the audience how much of her range of motion has come back. and there are a lot of ways to -- i thought she might wave or do one of these. but my mom chose a very interesting way to show her range of motion. let's take a look at that. [ laughter ] so, yeah. i wouldn't have gone with nazi salute myself. [ laughter ]
so, we showed that on tuesday. we showed -- she did it on monday. we showed that on tuesday. i busted her for doing nazi salute. i talked to her today, and she goes, "for the record, i used my left arm and the nazis used their right arm." [ laughter ] well, that's fine, mom, but how do you explain this? [ laughter and applause ] she's the best. she's so happy. it's nice to see someone that happy doing the nazi salute. [ laughter ] they always seemed so upset. we have such a fun show for you tonight. as i mentioned, he stars in the new "x-men" movie "days of future past." hugh jackman here is. [ cheers and applause ] you know him from the hit show "weeds." now, he's in the new adam sandler movie, "blended." the very funny kevin nealon is here. [ cheers and applause ] i'm always happy to sit down with a fellow weekend update anchor. and we will have stand-up from comedian ali wong, the very funny ali wong. we'll be right back more "late night."
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must say we have many distinguished guests in our studio audience tonight. michelangelo, einstein, roosevelt, mussolini, none of these individuals are even a tenth as talented, accomplished, or as fascist as our audience members tonight. so, without further ado, it is my pleasure to introduce famed aviator, frederick merryman. frederick is the man -- [ applause ] -- who completed the first sub-transatlantic flight in which he piloted a single engine cessna underwater from new york harbor to portsmith harbor in hamshire, england. he is remembered for his famed words upon arrival, "oops, i meant to do that in the air." [ laughter ] it is a truly -- a huge honor to introduce this next individual. colin berthune, the inventor of the toaster is here. give it up for collin berthune. [ cheers and applause ] colin, i speak for everyone when i say that what you've done, in terms of the heating, the delicate browning, and the crunchifying of bread is unmatched. however, colin, and far be it
from me to question your genius, but why the hell would you create a dark toast setting? [ laughter ] no one wants burnt dark toast. it's disgusting. it's for people who want to suck on charcoal. [ laughter ] that huge, massive f-up aside, we thank you. next, a man who needs no introduction is here. so moving on next to him -- [ laughter ] -- is max gorley. [ applause ] max gorley, of course, the worst queen elizabeth impersonator in the history of mankind. max, give us one of those signature queen elizabeth waves. oh, you're terrible. [ laughter ] just the worst queen elizabeth impersonator. next i'm honored to introduce sheryl hostetler. sheryl is five seconds away from earning the guinness world record for longest time without smiling. oh, she blew it! cheryl! [ applause ] oh!
20 years down the drain! but you know what they say about smiles. they allow us to hide how we really feel. so keep smiling. [ light laughter ] i was just thinking, you know what i would like to see more than anything else? a walrus sitting in the studio audience. wouldn't that be fun? just a big old tusky walrus enjoying the show, clapping along with his thick, flabby flippers. alex, is it possible to cut to the audience and see a walrus? i don't care if it looks crudely done. >> absolutely. >> seth: all right, great. our next distinguished guest is -- give him a name. william wallace the walrus. yeah! look at that guy! [ roars ] [ applause ] hello to you as well, william. william wallace the walrus is known for being the best. let's just watch him move around and do walrus stuff for a couple of seconds. [ roars ] oh, man, that is just -- that is just super, super great. thank you, alex.
i sit in awe of our next distinguished guest, amber sinclair. amber has known the world over as the first woman to bring wine to book clubs. [ cheers and applause ] amber. amber, do you even know what chapter of "the goldfinch" you're on? oh, no! they already gave you wine! be comfortable and have a great time, amber. we look forward to your book clubs. it is truly -- [ applause ] -- truly an honor to welcome this next individual to our studio audience. archduke harold willfred billingsworth vi is here. archduke -- [ laughter ] harold willfred billingsworth vi is widely regarded as the poorest man on earth with the richest sounding name. [ laughter ] let's check back in with that walrus, huh? oh, there he is! [ roars ] oh, i clap for you.
[ applause ] i clap for you. just big fat ball of thick, wrinkly skin and some whiskers. he's a good fellow. next up, rachel klein is here. rachel is the carrier of the first u.s. case in 200 years of highly contagious black plague. [ laughter and applause ] she has a rare form of the disease that can be transmitted simply by breathing on others. oh, i'm sorry. i'm actually getting word that the second case of the black plague is now also here. now i'm getting word that there's a third case of the black plauge. everyone needs to stop breathing. stop breating right now! the fourth, the fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelveth, thirteenth, fourteenth -- 179 confirmed cases of black plague. [ applause ] but don't worry, you have nothing to fear because i got my black plague shots before the show so i will be living. [ laughter ] and you'll be dying but you won't care about that, because it's walrus time. just a little background on walruses.
[ roars ] male walruses reach sexual maturity as early as seven years of age, but do not typically mate until fully developed at around 15 years of age. but something tells me our stud up there was an early bloomer. [ laughter ] folks finally, we actually have some literal distinguished guests in our audience tonight. as i said, it's fleet week. and these service men and women right here they known as the rowdiest -- [ cheers and applause ] -- most bad ass members of not just the navy but the entire u.s. armed forces. give it up for our bad ass sailors. although i should note -- [ applause ] -- i think there's one ice cream man in there as well. [ laughter ] thank you to all our distinguished guests. we'll be right back with hugh jackman! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hey, mr. smith. want to try out my time machine?
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golden globe winner. starting this weekend you can see him as wolverine in the new movie, "x-men: days of future past." ladies and gentlemen, my friend hugh jackman! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> i'm so happy to be here. >> seth: it's so lovely to have you here. >> number 52. >>seth: yeah, it's our 52. it's a big show. >> you guys are here at the 52nd. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: they'll always remember this. >> only us. >> seth: only us. >> only us in this room. but congrats. >> seth: thank you very much. >> i'm so happy for you, man. >> seth: it's great to have you here, and congrats on the movie. you've been doing --i feel like with movies like these you have to do so much press. you have to, like, travel the world to promote it >> yeah. >>seth: but, now you don't have any time to rest because you're hosting the tony's in two weeks. >> i am. i am hosting on -- [ cheers and applause ] which i kind of love. it is one of the great nights. because like at a lot of award
shows, like the oscars, or whatever, they try and throw in entertainment numbers or big show biz numbers. >> seth: right. >> and sometimes they fit, sometimes they don't. but at the tony's, it is just literally like the greatest hits of what happened that year, and so you see all the musicals, all the rival. it's -- and, it's just a celebration. it's great. >> seth: yeah, i completely -- i know exactly what you're talking about because i'm about to host the emmys where i'm at a -- i'm at a huge disadvantage. thank you, because i cannot sing or dance. [ laughter ] >> but you're funny. >> seth: well, hopefully. hopefully. >> no, you are funny. and actually, i'm going to cut in on you. yeah, because i have to tell you guys a little story. because when i was offered in 2009 to host the oscars, i said yes immediately, and then kind of freaked out. like, why did i say yes? and they said, "listen. don't worry. i know you don't think you're funny, and you're kind of not, but listen, here's the thing. [ laughter ] you can ask anybody you like for help." and i said, "what do you mean?" they said, "it's the oscars. you can ring speilberg and do a tape pitch, whatever you want." so, i rang ricky gervais because i loved him, and he gave me 45 minutes of the best material
that i could never use, right? [ laughter ] and i came in and saw seth. we met during "snl" and he was just one of the most talented guys. you gave me two -- i got two laughs and both of them are yours. >> seth: thank you very much. [ laughter ] thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] i have a feeling -- i felt like watching you that night, i felt like a stage mom because i was like, "you can do it." [ laughter ] >> yeah. well like, i did -- i was crying when i came and asked you for help. "please, anything. do anything." but, you were so awesome. >> seth: oh, well thank you. >> anyone who can crush the white house correspondents' dinner -- >>seth: oh, well thank you. >> anyone who can do that, that, that -- [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: you're too kind. >> but let me give you some advice anyway. [ laughter ] no, i remember steve martin telling me about the oscars. this is great advice. he said "first 45 minutes, greatest audience in the world at the oscars. from that moment on, the room is filling with losers. just get to the end." >> seth: yeah. >> just go. >> seth: it's "the hunger games." people are losing at every level. there are more dead bodies in the audience at each level. >> exactly.
>> seth: we had jennifer lawrence on. >> yeah. >> seth: and she said on the set of "x-men," you guys played a game wherein you would sort of punch each other. it was like -- it's this game where you have to -- >> uh-uh, mate. you just did it above your hip. >>seth: oh, is that -- >> if you make that sign above your hip. by theay, i need to now punch every person in the audience. [ laughter ] because if you -- and because it was above your hip. >> seth: right. okay. gotcha. >> yes. i'm trying to hit hard, by the way. >>seth: you know how you said you were crying when you came to ask me? it's taking everything not to cry right now. [ laughter ] that -- you did the -- you didn't move your hand at all, and i'm like, "oh, that's going to bruise." that is going to be -- [ laughter ] >> i do feel like i hit you a little hard there. >> seth: you hit me really hard. >> i'm sorry, man. [ laughter ] >> seth: i can still feel your knuckles on my -- it was -- i know it already happened. it feels like it's still happening. [ laughter ] >> but, i was trying my jennifer because she started the game. and, i remember when i got hurt she was like, don't -- and, i punched her and she goes, "don't do that." i said, "what do you mean?"
"don't give me i'm a girl so i'm so going to punch you soft. don't do that. don't patronize me." and, i was like, "okay." it was very, very awkward moment. [ laughter ] how hard you hit a woman who is one of the biggest movie stars in the world, on set? >> seth: well, i hope this goes without saying. whatever first hit you gave her is the one i would like next. [ laughter ] whatever punch she was so upset about, that's it. that's it. [ laughter ] thank you. [ applause ] this is the seventh time you're playing wolverine in a movie. that's incredible. unbelievable. [ cheers and applause ] and, now that you have the original cast, you have this younger cast. you have like -- i heard a story. there's nicholas hoult, who plays beast. >> yes. >> seth: you're on the set, and he points out that the first time he saw this set was what? how old was he when he -- >> 8 years old. and i was like, "stop right there, man." [ laughter ] it was his first day on set and he flubbed a line or something, the first take. he goes "i'm really sorry." i said, "that's alright, man." he goes, "no, no, no, i'm freaking out because i was eight when i saw you walking down this
hallway." and i said, "i used to like you, my man. [ laughter ] i really did." i kind of -- there were several moments on that set where i felt like an old man. like a lot of -- well, most days i wake up at 3:30 in the morning. i feel like an old man. but, honestly, that young, like cast, are so -- first of all, not an ego amongst them. i have to give them -- not an ego, but they muck around. they were shooting each other with bb guns in the base camp. i literally was locking myself inside my trailer. like, not saying be quiet but just hoping they don't come and ask me to play. >> seth: right, right. [ laughter ] because i don't want -- >> i'm like, "no. yeah. i'd love to, but no -- i" -- i was just like, "please, don't do that." the game, this game -- sorry, i'm going to punch you all again in the commercial break. [ laughter ] but, they were awesome. they have so much fun. >> seth: it's such a great franchise. and again, as a comic book fan, and a fan of the films, you have so many i think fans of that world that come. have you ever gone to watch these movies in the audience? have you ever gotten to be a part of that? is it great? >> i never did it. "x-men one," i went and saw it, but --
you know, maybe two or three weeks into the run, and someone said you've got to go opening weekend. so, i -- it's become a ritual, and i will go this weekend. i won't tell you exactly where, but i'll be -- [ laughter ] sneaking with that -- with that full-proof method of the baseball cap and 3d glasses. >> seth: no one can see through that. yeah. >> no one will know. but because on opening weekend, when you go and see these movies, the fans go ballistic, and i'm from australia. like we don't clap at the end of movies. people keep very quiet. but here, it's yelling and screaming and cheering and -- you hope the movie's good because if it's not, they're booing, the whole thing. it's awesome. i'll be going probably tomorrow night. >> seth: well, that's great. well, we actually have a clip of the movie now. and, so here you go. here is hugh as wolverine. >> where's the professor? >> no professor here. >> you're pretty strong for a scrawny kid. come on. sure there's not a little beast in there? come on beasty. >> hey, hey. >> i said the school's closed. you need to leave. >> not until i see the
professor. >> there's no professor here. i told you that. >> look kid. you and i are going to be good friends. [ groans ] you just don't know it yet. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: hugh jackman, everybody! "x-men: days of future past" opens everywhere tomorrow. we'll be right back with kevin nealon. oh no, he's going to punch you! cover your arms. look out! look out! look out! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> punch. punch. punch. punch. punch. ♪ vo: once upon a time there was a boy who traveled to a faraway place where villages floated on water and castles were houses dragons lurked giants stood tall
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night" everyone. you know my next guest from "saturday night live" and the hit show "weeds." he can be now seen starring in the new comedy, "blended" in theaters this friday. let's take a look. >> did you comb your hair? >> no. i got out of the shower like this, i guess. >> you took a shower? >> i shower. i'm allowed to shower. my god. >> i haven't taken a shower since we got here. >> i know. you stink. i love it. >> yeah, i stink bad. >> yeah, you stink real bad. your breath smells terrible. [ breathing sounds ] [ laughter ] >> seth: please welcome
kevin nealon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: thank you so much for being here. >> thank you, seth. >> seth: i really appreciate it. it's so great to have a fellow weekend update anchor. >> right? >>seth: anytime -- we're in a very small group of people. it's very nice. >> yeah, there's only two of us. >> seth: there's only two. we're the only two that ever did it. [ light laughter ] this is your 12th movie with adam sandler. >> it is, yeah. i've done a lot of films with sandler. >> seth: and what you've seemed to have played a large scope of roles over that time. >> it does seem that way. but, you know, these roles are always -- [ laughter ] these roles are always so humiliating. [ laughter ] the parts i play. >> seth: he's your friend. >> they're very embarrassing roles, yeah. >> seth: but he gives you parts that are humiliating. >> yeah, like in "little nicky," i played tit head, the gatekeeper of hell. [ laughter ] and i had tits on my head. and these are very like authentic looking breasts. you've seen breasts, right?
>> seth: i have seen a pair. [ laughter ] >> i've seen three breasts. >> seth: wow! >> yeah. so -- [ laughter ] but these things, they look -- they look so real because the makeup department did a great job, and then they fill them with condoms full of water. so they jiggle and they weighed like ten pounds each. and everybody wanted to feel them. even the women. mostly the women wanted to feel them. >> seth: right. >> a lot times i'd be talking to somebody, and i'd have to stop the conversation and say, "excuse me, my eyes are down here." [ laughter ] you know? and when they took them off at the end of the day, nobody cared about me. it was like i was invisible. >> seth: that's awful. >> yeah. >> seth: so, you really -- yeah. >> tit head. gatekeeper of hell. in "just go with it," i played a guy who was a plastic surgery junkie. >> seth: yeah. >> you know, i had a lot of plastic surgery. "zohan," i played neighborhood watch guy who kept crapping in my pants. >> seth: there you go. [ laughter ] that is great. >> anyway, it goes on and on. [ laughter ] >> seth: and this time, you shot in south africa. >> yeah, this time we shot in south africa where i play a guy on vacation. i'm an older guy with a 23-year-old wife. so now i'm getting a payback. >> seth: that's not bad. that's the best -- >> yeah, exactly.
>> seth: -- of the ones you've listed, certainly. >> but let's talk about south africa for a minute. >> seth: let's do it. >> have you been? >> seth: i have. >> and? >> seth: i liked it. i went there -- i was there for a couple weeks, but i didn't really do like -- i didn't do any of the safari stuff. i kind of missed out on the fun. >> yeah. that's the only reason you go. >> seth: yeah, i kind of blew it. >> safari. yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: i took a really long trip to go to like the malls of south africa. [ laughter ] >> that's like you going to disneyland and just hanging out in the parking lot. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] you see all kinds of cars. >> yeah, but first of all, it's a long flight, isn't it? >> seth: it's very long. >> 20 hour flight. i mean this is a -- this is like -- this is longer than most of the space shuttle flights. >> seth: yeah. >> do you know what i mean? >> seth: it really is. yeah. right. >> and we actually had an astronaut sitting behind us. and halfway there he's going, "when are we going to be there? when are we going to be there?" [ laughter ] i am so stoned right now. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] no, no, no. not appropriate. >> seth: did you see any animals? did you get to spend any time -- >> we did see a lot. we did see a lot of animals there. we went on a bunch of safaris, and -- this is where they keep all the zoo animals, by the way. >> seth: in south africa? >> in south africa. >> seth: right.
>> and these are a big -- these are bigger than the ones you see here at the zoos. >> seth: right. we get their like castoffs. >> you get -- what you have in the zoos here are like, they're on assisted living. [ laughter ] do you know what i mean? but these things are huge. a friend of mine said i don't pronounce my h's when i go huge. she goes, "you just go uge." and it really annoyed her which i found kind of crazy. [ laughter ] >> seth: well, i have to say -- >> it's amazing what people get annoyed about. >>seth: i have to say, based on that last huge, you really pronounced it. >> it's like when hugh jackman was out here, i kept going, "that's hugh. that's hugh jackman." [ laughter ] >> seth: that's like the classic "who's on first?" >> yeah. >> seth: that's you. no, i'm you. >> i could see if i didn't pronounce my hs when i laugh. that could be annoying. like, a-a-a-a! [ laughter ] so you know, i get that but not the -- >> seth: then, i think you -- then you're the penguin i think. >> yeah. or the porpoise. something. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. so, yeah. a lot of animals. we saw a -- the first thing we saw, we pulled up next to a couple of lions. and, this is -- i still had jet lag. and that -- that'll snap you out of jet lag like that. >> seth: right. >> because the whole cart is open, you know?
and you're sitting there. and i came outside of my hotel one morning. i saw a snake. and i asked the guy the door man i said, "hey, is this, are these, is this snake poisonous?" he goes, "everything in south africa is poisonous." [ laughter ] >> seth: that seems like not true. >> yeah. i said, "really? this cat is poisonous? what about the other doorman? is he poisonous?" [ laughter ] >> seth: you called him -- you called him out on it. >> i called him out on it. sometimes you got to do that. >> seth: you mentioned an astronaut. you actually got to meet an astronaut. you met, is it buzz aldrin? >> oh yeah, you heard about that. yeah, buzz aldrin. everybody meets buzz because he's doing the promo tour, i guess. but, i was in -- i was in some, something where he was part of it and i said to him like -- [ laughter ] >> seth: a night you'll never forget. [ laughter ] >> yeah, i'll never forget it. i said -- i said, "buzz, it's nice to meet you. hey, i got a question for you." i said, "were you ever nervous that something may not work while you're on the moon? you know, that you wouldn't be able to get back?" and he looked at me. he goes, "what are you, a wise guy?" [ laughter ]
i didn't know what he was talking about because i was serious. >> seth: right. >> you know i said, "no, i'm serious." and he goes, "what wouldn't work?" i said, "i don't know." he's a rocket scientist. so these things are all planned out. >> seth: right. >> everything's going to work. so they don't even worry about that. it's not like us where think something's going to go wrong. >> seth: i don't like taking a road trip more than four hours. [ light laughter ] >> yeah, yeah. so i said, "well, you know like, sometimes i get in my car. it doesn't start. you know?" maybe you get into the lunar module and you go to start it up to go back to -- i don't even know if they have a key. i don't know what they use. [ laughter ] >> seth: if they do, i bet they make sure everyone has a copy. >> did you hide an extra key anywhere? >> seth: they have a magnetic thing under the shuttle i know. >> yeah. >> seth: just in case. >> there is also a fake rock they keep on the moon. [ laughter and applause ] he said, "one time, we got into the lunar module, and we were about to take off, and there's a little fuse sticking out." and he says, "we just call houston, and they said, oh, just
push it back in." [ laughter ] so, he said no problems. >> seth: i can't imagine just pushing something back in, and then being like, "okay. back to earth." [ laughter ] >> well you know, i guess it doesn't matter. i guess you know all that stuff is fool-proof. >> seth: really? >> i don't know. i'm not an astronaut. i'm not a rocket scientist. i would assume that if, you know, they're sending you up to the moon it's got to be working. >> seth: you were saying that with the confidence of a man at a south african hotel telling you everything is poisonous. [ laughter ] >> by the way, there are some people who think we never landed on -- that we never walked on the moon. >> seth: yeah. >> that was all just conspiracy theory. and other people think no, no. we did land on the moon but when it was a full moon. try doing it when it's a crescent moon. it's not that easy. [ laughter ] >> seth: that is how it would be. kevin nealon, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] "blended" is in theaters this friday we'll be right back with standup from ali wong. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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>> seth: my next guest is a very funny comedian headlining the atlanta improv june 5th through 7th. please welcome ali wong! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hi, everybody. hi. i'm very excited to be here. it's been a big year for me. i turned 32. and in january i got engaged. [ cheers and applause ] my boyfriend and i have been together for five years and i just had this sneaking suspicion that he was going to propose. because i had been pressuring him to do it. [ laughter ] that's how proposals really work, okay? a woman has to incept the idea into the man's head. first passively and then if he doesn't get message, extremely aggressively. [ laughter ] you got to threaten to leave without actually leaving, because you know that you're too old and it is too late to find a new man and start the whole manipulation cycle all over again.
so you're like, "i'm just going to chip away at this dude until he caves in and is 'like shut the hell up! will you marry me?'" and then afterwards, the woman is always like, "oh, my god. he proposed! [ laughter ] and look, he got me the exact ring i wanted!" [ laughter ] maybe he saw it on my pinterest page or something. let me tell you something. if a man has a pinterest page, he's probably pinterested in men. [ laughter and applause ] you know, people are always very surprised at how offstage i'm a completely different person with my boyfriend. i'm very nurturing and domestic. i am. i pack his lunch every single day. i do that so that he'll become dependent on me.
[ laughter ] because he graduated from harvard business school. and i don't want to work anymore. [ laughter ] i don't. i straight up don't want to work anymore, okay? i've been reading that book by cheryl sanberg. she's the c-o-o of facebook and she wrote that book that got women all riled up talking about how we need to challenge ourselves in our careers to sit at the table and rise to the top. and her book is called "lean in." well i don't want to lean in. [ light laughter ] okay? i want to lie down. [ laughter and applause ] and just do prenatal yoga every day. even if i'm not pregnant. [ laughter ] and just count the millions that my husband is busy making while i use a stroller as a shopping cart. [ laughter ] my boyfriend eats gluten free. so now i got to eat all this
bread that tastes like free range chewbacca. [ laughter ] i have to eat this bread that's like a thousand percent of your daily fiber and 20 percent slam poetry. [ laughter ] and i had a meltdown with him and i said, "we're too healthy." i don't need to be this healthy. because i'm an asian woman and guaranteed to live until i'm a billion. [ laughter ] guaranteed. like a tortoise from the galapagos okay. we all know the phrase, black don't crack. well, asian don't die. [ laughter ] we don't die. we live forever. and you know why we're such bad drivers? cause we're trying to die! [ laughter and applause ] we're like, "yeah, let me see how invincible i really am." it's not fun getting that old. okay? my mom is 80 going through a full blown mid-life crisis.
[ laughter ] because she knows that she's got a century more to go. and she's lonely. all she does every day she just goes to the park and does this. [ laughter ] she does that in her big ass hat, her big ass visor, umbrella shade boba fett helmet. she wears that to protect herself from her arch nemesis, the sun. [ light laughter ] they're in a contest to see who's gonna burn out first. old age and ladies and the sun are like the tupac and biggie of longevity. [ laughter ] all right i'm ali wong. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: that was great. ali wong, everyone. follow her on twitter @aliwong3000. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
@michaelparty -- t. rex. @wildparty -- t. rex. ♪ >> carson: hey everybody, welcome to "last call." i'm carson daly. thank you for tuning in. we appreciate it. we're here at evr in new york city. we got another great show for you. let's get to it. coming u jenny o. takes over the troubadour and tonight's musical slot along with it. plus, "dear reader" author michael malice is the subject of the spotlight. but first, bret mckenzie is one half of the grammy award winning musical comedy duo, flight of the concords. two years ago, he also added an oscar to his mantle for his compositional work on "the muppets." and right now he returns for more in the highly anticipated fo