tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC August 2, 2014 12:36am-1:38am PDT
comedian michelle wolf. featuring the 8g band. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ and now, here he is, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] everybody's well, that's great. very exciting television news today. the 2014 emmy award nominations came out this morning and "game of thrones" leads all shows with 19 nominations. [ cheers and applause ] they were nominated for best drama, best costumes and worst job security. [ laughter ]
this is really interesting. netflix got twice as many nominations this year as they did in 2013. of course, some of those are nominations from last year that just finished buffering. [ applause ] our pal donald sterling is still in the news. still in the news. this week, sterling told a los angeles judge that to keep control of the clippers, he will sue the nba until the day he dies. and by the looks of him, that day was four years ago. [ applause ] he's a ghost racist. this is very strange. brazilian soccer fans, brazilian
soccer fans are calling mick jagger a world cup jinx because he showed up at their semifinal mah this week. though it may have more to do with who didn't show up -- the brazilian soccer team. [ laughter ] [ applause ] look inward. look inward, brazil. well, argentina beat holland in the world cup semifinals yesterday. [ cheers and applause ] yes. and now, argentina will face germany in the world cup finals. argentina versus germany. and if you don't know who to root for, imagine how elderly nazis feel. [ laughter ] from here. hid here. just another reason to feel bad for elderly nazis.
can't catch a break. some exciting tech news. this is some very exciting tech news. a reviewer on youtube is claiming to have a prototype of the new iphone 6 featuring an indestructible all glass front and back. "challenge accepted," said drunk girls. [ laughter ] indestructible. [ cheers and applause ] you're indestructible. i'm indestructible because you can never tell my emotions. [ laughter ] this is a little odd. broadway officials are accusing overly aggressive costumed characters in times square of scaring off theater goers. though, if you're really put off by aggressive costumed characters, you're probably not going to love broadway. [ laughter ]
go elsewhere. not sure what to make of this. according to a new report, there is a shrine in japan solely dedicated to hemorrhoids. seating is limited, but usually available. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you can usually find a place to sit down. at the hemorrhoid shrine. a little florida news. this week in florida, a man was arrested for wearing a shirt and no pants at a dq restaurant. police say they had some q's about his d. [ laughter ] that is the second time we've used that exact punch line on "late night." because earlier in this calendar year, another man didn't wear pants and was arrested at a dairy queen, and we're going to keep using that punch line until y'all start wearing pants to the
ice cream store. [ cheers and applause ] it's a public service. we're performing a public service. this is amazing. last night, the yankees beat the cleveland indians 5-4 in a 14-inning game that lasted four hours and 51 minutes. wow. that's almost as long as it took the white man to beat the indians. [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] too soon? too soon? [ laughter ] you might not think that joke went well. it went twice as good as i thought it was going to go. [ laughter ] shame on you. [ laughter ] on tuesday, a man known as the rogue pharmacist was busted for stealing over 200,000 oxycodone
pills worth nearly $5.6 million. when asked how he felt after being caught, the man said, "great, actually. [ laughter ] feel really, really good." and finally, listen to this. today is the grand opening of the world's largest waterslide, which is taller than niagara falls. and it doesn't even use water. you just slide all the way to the bottom in your own urine. ladies and gentlemen, this right here is the 8g band. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: how we doing, 8g band? great to see you guys. we want to start off tonight -- as i said in the monologue, the emmy nominations were announced
today. it's a very exciting year for me in the emmys because i'm lucky enough to host them august 25th. [ cheers and applause ] also, a very exciting moment -- morning because so many of our friends were nominated. we want to say our congratulations to "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon" for their many nominations. [ cheers and applause ] all very well deserved. congratulations to jimmy kimmel, not only did his show get nominated, but more importantly, had a baby girl today, so congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] congratulations, of course, to our very own fred armisen, who was nominated for not only writing on "portlandia," but also for being a supporting actor in "portlandia." so that's great news. [ cheers and applause ] our friends at "key and peele" and "inside amy schumer," two great sketch shows that got nominated for writing for the first time. we're so happy for them. [ cheers and applause ] probably most excited. kate mckinnon on "snl" got nominated. i love kate mckinnon. i'm so happy for her. her first nomination, and that
she also got nominated with aidy bryant, chris kelly, sarah schneider and eli brueggemann for their song, "do it on my twin bed," which was at a great "snl" different sort. [ laughter ] that got nominated for music and lyrics. and so many other people. amy poehler. kristen wiig. so many of our friends. so congratulations to all the nominees today. and congratulations to all of those who did nominee-worthy work, and were snubbed because you're just as good in my mind. [ laughter ] now, yesterday we had a really interesting show because i'm a huge fan of the dutch national soccer team, and we actually moved our taping time last night. we slid it back so that i could watch them play argentina. what we didn't take into account is it might go to penalties, which it did. so, i watched the whole game, and i had to actually walk out, do the monologue not knowing what happened in the game. and then i sat down, and i have this ipad here. and our producer texted me on
the pad, that's what we say here. on the pad. [ light laughter ] the result. and so on tv, i flipped it over and looked and i saw that my beloved team lost. and i -- it was really hard for me, and i was really upset. now, some of you might know, elisabeth kubler-ross was a psychiatrist who published a book called "on death and dying" in 1969, in which she laid out all five stages of grief. denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. and one of our writers, after the show, pointed out that he watched me go through all five of them in a span of about 30 seconds last night. and he, he showed me, and i think he was right. for example, we'll start off with denial. [ laughter ] i genuinely just thought, "it's not april 1st, right?" then follow that, anger. and, uhh that's broken. [ laughter ] i don't ever want to see that thing again.
although i should say, i didn't break it. so i want to say well done to the ipad corporation. [ laughter ] following anger is bargaining. i have two great parents. [ laughter ] my brother is my best friend. [ laughter ] i'm married to a beautiful, intelligent woman. [ applause ] i have a great dog. then, of course, comes depression. [ laughter ] though, it is such a bummer. and finally, acceptance. but the good news is the world cup has a third place game on saturday, which is the worst sporting event. and then, i actually thought i needed to do a little bit more bargaining. i have a talk show. [ cheers and applause ] this is great. so thank you. an extra special thanks to last night's studio audience for working through that with me. in other sports news, nba
all-star and two-time nba champion lebron james, as you may have known or may have heard if you even watched espn for half a second, opted out of his contract with the miami heat, which means teams all around the league are making their pitches now. bottom line, a lot of people, a lot of people want lebron james. and we here at "late night," we're no different. [ laughter ] nothing would make us happier than to make lebron the newest member of our team. so we made a recruitment video to get him interested, and i'm not going to lie, i'm not going to brag, we threw a lot of money into it. [ laughter ] i am going to brag. and i think when you see it, it is an offer he won't be able to refuse. let's take a look. >> lebron james, welcome to "late night with seth meyers," where all your dreams will come true. if you join our team, you can have everything you've ever wanted. a computer, three to four feet of desk space, tape dispenser,
telephone, a stapler and access to electrical outlets. tons and tons of electrical outlets. you see, we here at "late night" know you have a big decision to make. allow us to make the decision to take your talents here a swish. hungry for another nba title? maybe. hungry for a weird assortment of foods? definitely. our office refrigerator has eight different kinds of milk. half and half, cheryl's sandwich from yesterday, and you know we have utensils. plastic forks, plastic spoons, two random pairs of chop sticks. we know what you're already thinking -- that coming here would be a slam dunk. but wait, there's more. ever dream of the warm feel of paper straight off the printer? we've got that here at "late night." and why bother with nba championships when you could have the smell of cheryl's now two-day old sandwich. cheryl, what are you doing? you need to throw that thing away? fine. sure, you can go to the heat, cavs, or clippers, but we have heat, cavs and clippers right here. [ laughter ] it's a free throw.
if you're still a little uncertain, let us seal the deal. we just signed a new york knick. >> yeah, my name's nick. i'm from new york. >> lebron james, welcome home, or maybe you're already here. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: i cannot stress enough how much money we put into that. directed by michael bae. [ laughter ] b-a-e. and that's how he spells michael. [ laughter ] well spent, we have a great show for you tonight. from the new film "dawn of the planet of the apes," keri russell is here. [ cheers and applause ] so excited to talk to keri russell. former baseball players and analysts for the mlb network, kevin millar and sean casey are back with us. two very funny guys. and we'll have standup comedy from the very funny, our very own michelle wolf tonight. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be be right back with more
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and for more hot deals, call star-star-sears now on your mobile phone and start shopping. sears. performance starts here. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everyone. as you may have noticed, fred is not with us tonight. fred is in portland, working on season five of "portlandia." that is good for anyone who loves comedy. so, we're happy he's there, but
we're always sad when he's gone. and this week, we came up with an idea to keep him involved in the show when he's not here. it is a segment that we are calling "fred ex." and it's very important for me to say that this is not -- we are not working in conjunction with fedex. that is not because we would never sell out like that. it's because we're idiots. it just never occurred to us to try to get money from fedex. [ laughter ] we obviously should have but we just waited until it's too late and now we have no bargaining position. [ laughter ] so, just to recap -- on tuesday, we took out a fedex package and we packed it full of different props for fred. a wig, a beret and a corn cob pipe. and then we wrote a question and sealed it in an envelope. fred, of course, is known for creating great characters both on "snl" and "portlandia." what we asked him to do is open the box, put on the prop and create a character on based on how the props made him feel and open the envelope and answer the question. so we sent it out on tuesday. he got it yesterday.
we have the tape tonight. here's the first edition of "fred ex." >> fred: hi. i'm fred and i'm in portland right now. we're doing "portlandia." and, um, i got a "fred ex" box. thank you very much. it is unopened. and it looks like there's a wig, a beret, corn cob pipe. i feel almost like a peruvian musician. [ laughter ] maybe i'm like in a beatles cover band or something. [ peruvian accent ] hello, i like to play music and i'm from peru. we like to play music from the beatles. sometimes rolling stones. okay, so do you have a question for me? >> yes. what do you think is the cause of global warming? >> fred: of global warning? that's when they warn everyone that you have to really put on
your jackets. what happens is if go up into the mountains, you have to put on a hat and a coat and a jacket. [ laughter ] everyone, you have to really be careful and go not to catch a cold. and while you're up there, please do come see our group play. we're called the rolling beatles review. we play all the "yeah, yeah, yeah" and "lady beat" and "only thing from satisfaction." please come and see us play. and the weather, you know, that's something you have to -- well, actually it's a bit warm. but you know -- but you know, the weather, that's something that you have to look up at the sky and you have to say "hey, sky, what do you have coming for me?" i think people, what they are doing too much is they're
cooking too many eggs on the stove. so the gases from the eggs go into the sky and they make it all cloudy. so if you don't want so much rain or -- how does global warming work? [ laughter ] one thing you have to do if you're cooking eggs, you have to make sure to take off the shell. because the shell from the eggs, the gas from that goes up to the sky and the clouds go away and then you're up there, and you got the sun all on you. sometimes it's a lot of fun, you go to the beach. but it doesn't matter. because what matters most besides global warming is to come see our group play. we play guitar, we play the bass. and we look like paul mccartney, and we look like ringo starr, mick jagger, and charlie watts and you come and you see us play and we like to shake hands with everyone in the audience. if you come to see us play, we will say hello to you. so, okay, come see us.
[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: thank you, fred for participating in the very first "fred ex." we'll be right back with keri russell. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] hot pockets sandwiches have the protein and fuel to fire you up. ♪ hot pockets! got protein to pleeease! ♪ ♪ cuz every bite has got my hot ham and cheeeeese! ♪ hey piñata! i got energyyy! ♪ ♪ from my, my hot pockets! my hot pockets! ♪ with the protein of premium hickory ham and 100% real cheese... it's food that fires you up! ♪ hot pockets! my hot pockets! ♪ nestle. good food, good life. ♪ hot pockets! my hot pockets! ♪ yo,move fast fruit flavor,fe, watermelon, blue razz green apple.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night" everyone. our first guest tonight is a golden globe-winning actress. you know her from her work on "felicity" and the critically acclaimed fx series "the americans." beginning this friday, you can see her in the summer blockbuster "dawn of the planet of the apes." please welcome, keri russell! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ so lovely to have you here. >> thank you for having me. >> seth: i'm such a fan of yours. this has been such a good year for you. you just wrapped up the second season of "the americans."
>> i did. i did. >> seth: you did "the dawn of the planet of the apes." both of these are sort of departures i feel like from what we originally knew you from, which is "felicity." what drew you to doing "planet of the of the apes?" >> well, actually, the connection with felicity is -- matt reeves, who was co-creator of "felicity" with j.j. abrams is directing this movie and called me. and all three of us are still very close. and we've been trying to find something to do together. i did not think it would be "planet of the apes." but he calls me and he said come do this, it will be really great. i think that's what's so good about this movie in a way is that, even though it is this giant, big slick 3d extravaganza with andy serkis, who i know you just spoke with -- isn't he the best? >> seth: he's the best, he's incredible. such an incredible actor. and the work he does in this film is amazing. you really see him through the apes. [ laughter ] i don't know how else to say it. but you can say there's a real felicity vibe to this "planet of the apes." [ laughter ] some of the apes are real dense -- >> yeah.
oh my god, and a goth roommate and all of it. so it was matt. and matt's sort of sensitivity and sense of character that he really brought to this. he told me he was going to do it and i read the script and there are those moments that pop, that feel very intimate and very much like matt. and that's why i did it. >> seth: and it's great. i will say, i saw it even loved it. i did, i really saw it. and it's a great because it's a great action movie, it's a great summer blockbuster, but there really are -- there's a lot more story than you're used to. >> i think so, too. i think it really -- and i'm so happy for matt. first of all, there's 3d that weta does. weta is that company that do all the peter jackson movies. they're amazing. and they all have these really sexy new zealand accents. >> seth: that's great. >> and that's always a plus. >> seth: really, really good. >> but they're amazing. like what they do and it's incredible, this film. what they've done with it. >> seth: you -- there's so much of the acting must be different in a film with not only this much 3d but, speaking to andy
yesterday, you are doing a lot of acting with actors in full lycra suits. >> i just like to call them gray unitards. >> seth: gray unitards, yeah. that's i guess more masculine. >> grown men in gray unitards. >> seth: and like moving around and making monkey noises. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> seth: that must be so strange as an actor to be reacting to them but not stranger than if you were dealing with actual monkeys who could talk. so whatever you're dealing with is going to be weird. >> exactly. >> seth: you have a scene with like -- there's that baby monkey crawling all over you, that's not a baby in a unitard, right? [ laughter ] i don't think that's safe. and you need to tell me if that's what you were doing. >> you know what? whatever we had to do to get the shot. that's what we do. that's how it works, seth. >> seth: who we gonna -- put a baby in a unitard with ping-pong balls. >> in fact, when i read the script i thought, oh, my gosh, i get the best scene, i get this like beautiful scene, the only light scene of the movie where i get to work with this little baby ape. my friend mandy's going to be so
jealous because he loves baby monkeys so much. and then we get there to do the scene, we are by this beautiful river and canadian mountains. and i'm like, "okay, great." i'm excited. okay so then, this is where you pretend that he's crawling up. i was like, "pretend what? where's the baby?" they are like, "no, no, there's no baby ape." like it's in your braid, isn't that cute? he's climbing up i'm like "no, it's not cute. there's nothing here." >> seth: i was looking forward to a baby monkey. i'm in a very bad mood. >> i know -- anyway, it was fine. it was amazing. >> seth: it's a great film and we actually have a clip. let's take a look. >> how come i'm thinking one of us should stand guard tonight? >> with what? they took our guns. >> if they wanted us dead, we'd be dead already. >> maybe they're just taking their time. they already killed about half the planet already. >> come on. >> what? >> you can't honestly blame the apes. >> who the hell else am i going to blame? >> it was a simian flu -- >> it was a virus created by scientists in a lab. the chimps they were testing on didn't really have a say in the matter.
>> spare me the hippy dippy bull[bleep]. you're telling me you don't get sick to your stomach at the sight of them? huh? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: that's great. >> it is great. you should go see it. it's really great. >> seth: everyone should see it. i want to move on because i'm such a huge fan of "the americans." >> good, i am too. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: it's such a great show. and you can't say it, but i can say it. you got hosed today, you should have gotten nominated for an emmy. i can say it. >> you too! you too! >> seth: we both got hosed. you really got -- i didn't get hosed, you got hosed. >> oh, gimmie a break but you are hosting it. >> seth: i'm hosting it so i could -- >> i'm just saying. >> seth: yeah. >> i'm just saying. [ laughter ] >> seth: good. >> listen -- >> seth: i didn't even think about this. >> i'm not doing anything that day. and maybe -- i won't take vacation or whatever and maybe if i just happen to be around and you happen to do something in an envelope. >> seth: in an envelope? this has never happened before! >> wait a minute.
>> seth: and the winner is not a nominee. it's keri russell. but she couldn't possibly be here. oh she's here! >> i'm here, i'm here, i'm here! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: great, okay. the fact that we did this will certainly take the edge off the surprise when we do it at the >> just give them a little clue of what happening. >> seth: but playing a kgb operative who is in the states must be such a fun part to play. >> it's so fun. and i have to say, it's so wildly fun and different and such -- i'm so thankful -- cable tv is just such a fun place to work right now. and it's like -- all those -- everyone we work with. it's just, it's a great show. and really, i'm having a great time. >> seth: well congratulations on both "planet of the apes" and that. it's lovely to have you on the show. thank you so much for coming here. keri russell everybody! [ cheers and applause ] "dawn of the planet of the apes" in theaters friday. we'll be right back with kevin millar and sean casey. ♪
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sean casey and kevin millar. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: great to have you guys back. >> great to be back. >> seth: you're friends of the show. i came back to say hello to you guys. 'cause i'm such a fan of both of you. and you were red hot, you were red hot today. >> i'll be honest with you, i'm $55 less in my front pocket. i went to carnegie. >> seth: carnegie deli. >> yes, so they said, "hey." i was starving on the plane. i said, "i need a deli." go over there, i'm iline, 15 minutes by myself. i'm sitting there, okay, i'm going to get for one, she's like, "come follow me." i sit down. well, i don't sit down. i see a table. there's six seats, five are occupied. one in the middle. she's like, "that's your seat." i got, "no, no, i'm just here alone. that's another family." two older couples, another threesome here and i sat right here in the middle. she says, "this is where you sit." i go, "i sit here?" are you guys together? do you guys mind? the sandwich is this big. i'm embarrassed.
i can't even act like i'm on the phone, because i'm so crowded. this couple's from sarasota. this one's an irish dancer. and i'm sitting here looking like, "what do i do?" i want to like get my meal to go but i can't. $30 for the turkey sandwich. $10 for the matza ball soup, $4 for the diet coke. play for the tie. $55 bucks. welcome to new york. >> seth: welcome to new york city. >> now i know. >> seth: a lot has happened in major league baseball season. we've passed the halfway point in games, coming up on the all-star break. great disappointment for me, boston red sox. very underperforming. >> yeah. it's an odd year, seth. i will say that. the entire baseball season is remarkable because not one great team, you're saying hey, that's the world champions, right? i mean the dodgers are the team -- well, they're battled -- the giants -- the red sox have been a battle. it's hard to repeat. you don't realize how hard it is to repeat. there's not a hangover effect. it's hard to be a champion. so this year you know what, last year was their year, right? and this year, it's been a
battle, it's been a dog fight. it just hasn't had that same swag. >> seth: now when we think of underperformance, one thing we can all agree on -- 50 cent had the worst first pitch in history -- 50 cent threw out the first pitch of the mets game and let's take a look. and you guys can tell me if there were any mechanical issues with his throwing motion. that looks good. looks good up here. oh! >> he looks athletic, he looks athletic. whoa! [ laughter ] >> hello. >> whoopsie. >> that's like asking millar to write a rap song. [ laughter ] that's how millar's rap song would've sounded right there. >> you can't make that up. that wasn't a joke. it wasn't a televised act. he tried to throw a strike. >> what happened was he didn't pull with his front side, elbow dropped, boom. >> you almost got hit. >> seth: the cameraman almost got hit. he must be thinking like, "what a great day for me. i get to take a picture of --" >> it wasn't a joke though. that's the thing. it's not a joke. and we're laughing about it. but he actually tried to like, "hey, i'm throwing the first
pitch out here at citi field, and let me --" whew! [ laughter ] what's that? you gonna act like you're an athlete or just keep writing hip-hop. don't ever take the field. don't ever take the field. >> seth: did you have any experiences with first pitches? >> you know what, i've had a couple of experiences with first pitches. my most recent one was -- last year the mlb network was like, "hey, we need you to go down to trenton, aa team, and throw out the first pitch for the trenton thunder. i'm like, "all right, great." so i was like, "what do i wear?" can i wear jeans? >> he's a great dresser by the way. >> yeah, one of the best dressers in the country. they're like, "no, you need to get, like, some nice slacks or something like that. i'm like, "all right." so i go to like the -- it's the -- i got out to the outlets so i went and found, like, these like -- yeah, i don't even know, they're khakis. >> like baggy khakis. >> yeah, they were really bad. and i went out and threw out the first pitch. >> seth: you do not look like a former professional athlete. [ laughter and applause ] your cell phone should be on your belt. >> there he is.
that's him. >> seth: and now, to throw out the first pitch for selling the most real estate in the greater trenton area. >> anybody playing with these guys is going -- [ laughter ] >> seth: you had even a better first pitch experience. >> you can't make this up seth. i'm just going to tell you the facts. i was -- the red sox for three years. '03, '04, and '05, right? world series, got it. came back four games down, or three games down, beat the yankees, great. red sox are in the playoffs and i'm with the orioles now. signed a three year deal, 'o6, '07, 'o8. i get called, they're down -- it's game seven, they want me to throw the first pitch out. they want me to bring back the mojo. i go, " larry lucchino, i'm still active with the orioles, who are in the east, by the way. >> seth: right. you're not a retired player. >> i don't look like casey did. okay? i'm still am not in good shape but i'm still a player. they asked me to throw the first pitch out. i said i can't. yeah, you can. i got permission from andy macphail who is the president of the orioles that
you can do it. i'm like, "really? do they do this? they get active players -- >> seth: it's like you're new wife letting you go on a weekend with your ex-wife. [ laughter ] >> that's exactly right! >> seth: and you know what, when that happens, you start wondering what your wife really thinks about you. [ laughter ] >> see, she's with the linebacker from high school, great. so, the thing -- the moral of the story is, i'm at game seven, fenway park. i'm still playing the orioles. we were mathematically out of it. in march of spring training cause we were terrible. so here i am, trot nixon is playing for the indians in the other dugout who is my teammate for the red sox. now he's flipping me off. i'm like, "what?" i throw the first pitch out, getting the fans up, the red sox. they're trying -- it didn't make sense. i think it was the first time in history that an active player a division rival threw the first pitch out. >> seth: great. this all-star game coming up. >> i'm still nervous. >> you're all right. >> seth: and then again, even when you calm down you can remember that $55 sandwich -- [ laughter ] and right back up again. >> i'm going to bill you. >> seth: all-star memories, 1999 all-star game, fenway park. one of the all-time greats,
pedro martinez strikes out five of the first six. and it's a great game and it's you're -- you're at that all-star game. 25 years old. >> first all-star game. 25 years old. literally, i thought i won a contest. i'm like "what am i doing here?" they got the best players in the game, in the clubhouse. so excited. i brought my video camera, it was probably taboo. i'm taking videos. the guys are like, "what's this guy doing?" i'm like, "this is so cool. we're all here. this is so much fun." [ laughter ] so i'm at my locker. and tommy the clubby comes up and he's like, "hey, guys, listen you got two jerseys in your locker." he goes, "sign one of them real big for charity give that to me, the other one you're going to wear in the game." i'm like, "yeah, right." signed it as big as i can. sean casey, big signature. i go out the next day, take bp, real nice, come in. crush a couple slices of pizza. about to get dressed, got my clothes on. i look at my locker and i'm like, "there's one jersey in there." i'm like, "my jersey was signed as big as you can sign it." i'm like, "hey, tommy, where's that other jersey man, the only jersey you have for me is the one that i signed." he's like, "oh, man, casey. tough break."
he's like, "the reds only sent you one jersey." "you're going to have to wear that in the game." i have to wear the jersey in the game? you got to be kidding me. so i put on the jersey. i was so embarrassed. i'm 25 years old. all these big time players. i'm like -- the only human being --idiot that's ever signed his jersey in an all-star game. [ laughter and applause ] it was unbelievable. >> seth: well, the good news is -- the good news is, i'm sure no one noticed. but let's just look at a clip. >> sean casey on deck. [ laughter ] >> i think he's autographed his own jersey. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: and you still have it. you still have it. sean casey and kevin millar, everyone. they'll be on "intentional talk" and "mlb tonight" on the mlb network next week and the all-star game airs tuesday on fox. we'll be right back with standup from michelle wolf. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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she'll be performing at the ucb theater in new york city on july 16th. please welcome our friend michelle wolf. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> you guys sound like you're doing well. not to one up you, but i'm doing amazing. [ laughter ] i just went on vacation by myself, which was super fun. probably because when i checked into the resort, i said, "this was supposed to be my honeymoon." [ laughter ] they were so nice to me. [ laughter ] i got fired from my last job. don't tell my new boss. [ laughter ] but it wasn't my fault, all i did was stop working.
when they fired me, they called me into h.r. and they were like, "michelle, it seems like you're just not doing your job." i was like, "yeah, but for, like, nine months." so i think two of us haven't been doing our job. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] we're fat here in america. we did it! [ cheers and applause ] usa! usa! oh, no, my arm's tired. that was too much exercise. [ laughter ] you know, when someone breaks up with you and they gain weight and that makes you really happy? i bet that's how england feels about us. [ laughter ] [ applause ] hey, america. you look different.
how's math and science? [ laughter ] you know, they said in 2013 in america that the obesity rate climbed. which i think is the wrong way to say that statistic. i think the obesity rate sat on the couch and got bigger. [ laughter ] it's why i think we should change the name of type-one diabetes and type-two diabetes to "not your fault diabetes" and "mostly your fault diabetes." [ cheers and applause ] it's like being born without a foot and then meeting someone else that doesn't have a foot and being like, "hey, you don't have a foot either? how did you lose yours?" "i ate it." [ laughter and applause ]
maybe it was a mistake. we all make mistakes. like my friend, she got "shine" tattooed on her wrist. and at first i thought it said "shin." i was like, "you did this wrong. you mislabled yourself." but it did say "shine" and so i bit and i was like, "why did you get 'shine' tattooed on your wrist?" and she goes, "so i remember to shine." i'm sorry, are we in a musical about you auditioning to be in a musical? so then i thought about it and was like, "well, what would i get tattooed on my wrist if i needed to be reminded of something?" i'd probably get, like, "loosen up!" "have fun!" "have a margarita!" "have another margarita!" "tighen up a little bit." [ laughter and applause ]
no, really shut it down. i wish these were bigger. [ laughter ] start dancing. no, stop dancing. never dance again. remember to stop having margaritas. remember the alamo. remember to look up what the alamo is. you know, it's because you say things like that you don't have a ring here and you never will. aw! i'm a treasure. but in chinese. don't eat a bagel. don't eat a bagel. whoops i ate seven bagels. [ laughter ] i want to move to san francisco and start a girls called "the ba-gals" who get together and eat bagels. [ laughter ] a bird, because i'm a woman that can't be caged. [ laughter ] you can't cage this bird. shin. [ applause ]
'cause i got it right. all these tattoos are really going to hurt your chances of finding a man. you better be ready to shine! [ cheers and applause ] thanks a lot, guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: michelle wolf, everyone! follow her on twitter @michelleisawolf! we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ]
♪ >> carson: hey. good evening, everybody. i'm carson daly and you are watching, yes, "last call." from amp radio in los angeles. tonight, we've got jimmy ouyang in our comedy spotlight and the music of together pangea from austin, texas. but first, this summer, a giant lizard once again wreaks havoc on the world. that's right, a re-imagined "godzilla" is back in theaters, and it looks down right badass. right now, we're going to go over to aventine in hollywood to chat all about it with the films' director gareth edwards. take a look. ♪ >> to be honest with you, for me, conceiving a film -- like when you put your headphones on, you listen to music and you just picture somethin