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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  October 3, 2014 11:34pm-12:37am PDT

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>> just a few more days of heat. we mean heat. before things cool down. >> warmout side. air conditioning running. san francisco overnight. tomorrow, highs 80s to 90s. saturday the warmer of the two day as. mid 90s. tuesday, wednesday when the relief comes back. >> what if i've don't have ac? >> that's a problem. >> ha-ha. >> have a great weekend. >> bye-bye. ♪ ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests --
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emma thompson. comedian dane cook. and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 138. >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hot crowd! that is a hot crowd out there. welcome! great, great new york city crowd. welcome, everybody, to "the tonight show." we are here. we made it.
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thank you so much. i feel the love. i appreciate it. thank you so much, guys. we got a hot show tonight. first up, here's what people are talking about. you guys hear about this? big trouble for "real housewives of new jersey" star teresa giudice. did you hear about this? she will serve 15 months in prison for conspiracy and bank fraud charges. teresa could still get time off for good behavior so, she'll probably end up serving 15 months in prison, but still -- [ cheers and applause ] people are worried she won't be tough enough to handle jail until they remember that she's made it through five "real housewives" reunions. [ laughter and applause ] women in prison should be worried. [ cheers and applause ] teresa can handle herself. and, teresa's husband joe was actually sentenced to 41 months in prison. [ audience oohs ] on the bright side, now he'll
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get to be someone's housewife. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: hey, ho. hey, ho. >> jimmy: of course, the other big news this week is that secret service director julia pierson stepped down after two major security breaches at the white house. and listen to this, it turns out pierson's first job was actually as a costume character at disneyworld. [ laughter ] i'm guessing the character was sleeping beauty. [ cheers and applause ] what did i miss? what did i miss? oh, they went in? sorry. come on in. but it's true though, and get this, it's rumored that pierson told her colleagues that the secret service actually needed to be more friendly and inviting like disneyworld. [ laughter ] she did say that. i guess that's why every white house intruder got a $30 photo of themselves hopping the fence. [ cheers and applause ]
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did you guys see this video yesterday? vice president joe biden visited harvard university and answered some questions from the students. and check out what he said when one of the students identified himself as the vice president of the student body. >> my name's keith. i'm a senior at the college. i'm vice president of the student body here. >> isn't it a bitch? [laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: what? wait. wait. who? >> jimmy: that's our vice president, everybody. isn't it a bitch? [ laughter ] >> steve: what? >> jimmy: as the host of a a comedy show i would like to once again say, please run for president in 2016. joe biden, think about it. come on, buddy. [ cheers and applause ] that would be great material. isn't it a bitch? >> steve: what? >> jimmy: wow. some more political news next week. bill clinton will headline four events in his home state of
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arkansas to rally the democratic base. when asked why, clinton said, "'cause you know, i'm all about that bass, 'bout that bass, no treble." [ cheers and applause ] "i'm bringing booty back." [ laughter ] some celebrity news. in an interview with vogue magazine, reese witherspoon revealed that her rapper name would be "lil' spoon." [ laughter ] yeah, that's cute. yeah. turns out she's not the only celebrity who has a rapper name. in fact, a lot of famous people these days go with a rap alias. >> steve: really? >> jimmy: yeah. we were actually able to get a a list of a few of them. check it out. first, we have kim jong-un. his rapper name is "even lil'er kim." [ laughter ] >> steve: small of stature, big of heart. >> jimmy: next there's edward snowden. his rappername is "t. m. i." [ cheers and applause ]
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after that we have woody allen. his rapper name is "dr. dreidel." [ laughter ] finally, there's john mccain. his rapper name is "old bastard." and he's not dirty, he's very clean. he's a very clean man. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: yeah. lovely man. clean. >> jimmy: listen to this guys, scientists are suggesting that pluto should be considered a a planet again eight years after it was classified as a a dwarf planet, and americans are suggesting that scientists cut the crap about pluto and figure out how to stop ebola. ebola is a real thing. who cares about pluto? focus. [ cheers and applause ] hey, guys, we are in week five of the nfl season, and sunday night's big matchup is between the new england patriots and the cincinnati bengals. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. it's a big matchup. as you know, at the end of every season, they give out awards like "most valuable player," but they also give out awards at the beginning of the season sort of like the ones in high school yearbooks. like "most likely to succeed," "class clown," stuff like that. so with that in mind it's time
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for "tonight show superlatives." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ tonight show superlatives ♪ >> jimmy: our first player is stephan gostkowski, he's a a place kicker for the new england patriots. he was voted "most likely to play the dad in the off-broadway version of 'modern family.'" [ laughter and applause ] i can see that. that's pretty good. next up is ryan wendell. he is a center for the patriots. he was voted "most likely to text 'you up?' to domino's." [ laughter and applause ] next up from the patriots is stevan ridley. he was voted "most likely to cause a shark warning at the beach." [ laughter and applause ] get out of the water, get out of the -- oh, it's just his hair. hey, steven. how are you doing? just going for a swim. next from the cincinnati bengals is starting quarterback andy dalton. he was voted "most likely to be
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the result of the wizard turning a pumpkin spice latte into a human." [ cheers and applause ] pumpkus humanicus. next up is kevin zeitler. he was voted "most likely to yell cannonball and jump into an empty pool." not good. >> steve: not good. >> jimmy: tough guy. >> steve: exactly. pool crack. >> jimmy: next up from the patriots is vince wilfork. he was voted "most likely to be the love child of shaq and ceelo." [ laughter and applause ] that's a rare award. >> steve: yeah. very rare. >> jimmy: next up from the bengals is andrew witworth. he was voted "most likely to be the white version of vince wilfork." let's take a look at that one there. yeah, that makes sense. i can see that. [ cheers and applause ] and, finally, from the bengals we have vontaze burfict. he was voted "most likely to not leave his house until his hair is burfict." there you go those are your nfl superlatives. we have a great show. give it up for the roots. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. welcome, everybody. welcome. thank you for watching our show. it's been a great week so far, and don't forget, on monday set your tivo, set your dvr, set your rokus -- >> steve: your rokus, your fisher-price cameras. >> jimmy: to record our show because you're going to want to see what we do monday night. for the first time ever will. i. am from the black eyed peas. he's great. [ cheers and applause ] we came up with an idea, and we collaborated on a song, me and will. i. am. i know. i shouldn't be -- it's a comedy song. it's a funny -- >> steve: it's humorous. >> jimmy: it's humorous. yeah. so we collaborated. but it's a good song, and what i want people to do is i want to see what we do, and then if you like the song, i want you to request it on the radio, and i want to see if we can break the billboard 100. [ cheers and applause ] i'll be, like -- 100 i would be
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so happy. or 99. whoever you want to request, just call and request and see if you can get our song played on the radio on tuesday. it will be fun. >> steve: come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what we do. do something fun for once. speaking of fun, she's one of our favorite people in the entire world. she's a great actress and a a great writer. oh, my gosh. she's the author of the new book "the spectacular tale of peter rabbit." emma thompson is here. [ cheers and applause ] emma thompson. she's one of the coolest people. funny. gorgeous. talented. we're going to talk to her, and then we're going to play a game of password with some special guests. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: special. >> jimmy: and then tonight, i have worked with this guy since we both started comedy together, and i was out in l.a., we used to do stand-up at the improv, and this guy was just always fantastic. and he would get standing
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ovation after standing ovation. one of the funniest comedians i have ever seen. dane cook is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he's just great. he hasn't done stand-up on a a late night show in probably ten years or something. he just comes and he normally just sits down. but i asked him as a favor, could you just come and do stand-up and give us a treat since you have that talent? can you come and do -- and he said yes. [ cheers and applause ] he's going to do stand-up here tonight. the guy sold out madison square garden is he going to do this tonight. that's a good man. i appreciate it. dane cook. thisis gonna be great. you guys, today is friday. and it's usually -- [ cheers and applause ] it's great day of the week. weekend, baby. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: that's usually when i catch up on some personal stuff here on friday. i check my inbox and, i return some emails and of course, i send out some thank you notes. [cheering ] and i was running a bit behind -- if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. is that cool? can i write these out? [ cheers and applause ]
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thank you very much. james, can i get some thank you note writing music, please? ♪ [ laughter ] what? >> steve: is he mad? >> jimmy: he looks like he's going to murder somebody. [ laughter ] >> steve: he looks like a a 1920s gangster. >> jimmy: maybe he is mad that someone stole his tie. [ laughter ] he was wearing a tie earlier. >> steve: my tie, see. i wore a tie, yeah. that was. edward james robinson. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, secret service director julia pierson for resigning following two major white house security breaches. it must be really hard leaving the white house, but on the bright side, it's really easy to get back in. door is open. [ cheers and applause ] just walk right through. >> steve: it's an open door policy. >> jimmy: open door policy. >> steve: come in any time you want. >> jimmy: come right in. yeah, no big deal. ♪ thank you, cartoon ghosts, for showing me how happy people will be when they're dead.
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[ laughter ] >> steve: yeah. it's a great mood. here's casper. >> jimmy: super fun, man. >> steve: yeah. boo. >> jimmy: yeah. boom. [ laughter ] >> steve: boom. boo. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, pajamas, for sounding like you were named by bob marley. ♪ pajama i hope you like pajamas too ♪ ♪ pajama pajama pajama pajama pajama pajama pajama pajama ♪ ♪ i hope you like pajamas too ♪ ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, people on "antiques road show" for patiently listening to the appraiser's long-winded stories while secretly thinking, "cut the bs and tell me what this shiz is worth." [ laughter and applause ] come on. is it anything?
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well, i got it at a garage sale. >> steve: that's interesting. well, let me tell you a little bit about this. this device was made in 1 1823 by the firm of wembley and jacobson, and see this scratch here? if this wasn't scratched in this way, it would be worth a a whole lot more, but right now if you look at the bottom, you would see -- $75. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: ain't that a bitch? [ laughter ] >> steve: joe biden! >> jimmy: joe biden, nice to meet you. >> steve: he's not dirty. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, bird nest, for being a home for birds and also an overpriced decorative bowl from pier one. there you go. [ laughter and applause ] what you wanna do is, you get that bowl, that bird's nest, and what do is you put in, like, any type of ball, like a a group of wicker balls. >> steve: love it. >> jimmy: in the nest or, like, some glass bulbs. >> steve: sure. >> jimmy: you put them on your coffee table.
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>> steve: oh my gosh, it looks fantastic. >> jimmy: and then everyone come on in, they go, "what the heck's going on here?" it's a conversation starter. >> jimmy and steve: it starts a a conversation. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, ponchos, for not being called rain condoms. there you go, everybody. that's my thank you notes. we'll be right back with emma thompson. yeah! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ at t-mobile get four lines for just a hundred bucks with unlimited talk, text and now up to ten gigabytes of 4g lte data. want phones with that? hook up everyone in the family with the samsung galaxy s5 for zero down get four lines for $100 dollars and the samsung galaxy s5 for zero down so make the switch to t-mobile today we'll even buy you out of your service contracts
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is a a multiple academy award winning actress and best-selling author. her new book, "the spectacular tale of peter rabbit," is in stores right now. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our favorite, emma thompson. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: you got style. you got grace. emma thompson in the house. cpcp >> jimmy: you look fantastic. welcome back. >> thank you. i thought i'd get my ass out of the -- >> jimmy: yeah. thank you for doing that. [ talking over each other ] >> it's just a children's book. [ laughter ] it's all -- very well, hasn't it? it's going very well. >> jimmy: no one will ever see this. >> this will all be cut. >> jimmy: yeah. so this it'll be a black screen with no video, yeah. i want to -- we just did thank you notes, and i was thinking of you earlier as we were doing thank you notes, because you sent me one of the best thank you notes ever. and -- we did a bit on the show. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it was very silly and fun. and so, i sent you a gift
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basket. >> yes, oh i remember. >> jimmy: yeah. >> --the gift basket. >> jimmy: do you? yeah, it was big. >> hilariously large. i mean, you know, just -- >> jimmy: too much. >> like -- >> jimmy: it was insane. >> kind of -- yeah. it was the size of that sofa. [ light laughter ] i mean, it was the biggest thing i've ever seen. >> jimmy: you sent me the nicest thank you note. this is the thank you note. and on the back you drew you, your house, and then my gift. [ laughter ] and i'll never forget that. it was the greatest -- thing ever. [ applause ] beautifully drawn as well. i loved it so much, i saved it. it's so good. >> i did laugh a lot. well, you're the greatest. i was talking to our producers, and they were talking to you, and they said -- i said, "well, ask her what she did on summer vacation" because usually people go to the beach or the lake house, they might have a a story. you went to the arctic circle? >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's -- how cool -- >> 80 degrees north. >> jimmy: how cool are you? >> --cool. very cool. >> jimmy: you're actually very, actually cool. you were freezing! >> frigid. >> jimmy: yes. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you were frigid, yes.
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here's you in the arctic. >> wow. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. you know, i look like a -- sofa. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. >> it's -- well, it's melting, you see. you can see the water mark behind me of the glaciers that are melting, so we've all got to save it. >> jimmy: yeah! i mean, was that how you got involved with it? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you went with your daughter, right? >> yeah, i went with my daughter, because she was saying, "mom, we have to save the arctic. it's melting, and if we let it melt, we're all going to drown." and she's 14. and i was, like, "okay. yeah. let's go. let's go. we're going to do it." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how does one do that? how does one just go -- go get tickets to the arctic circle? >> no. no, you don't. we were very lucky. because i know -- i know a a person in greenpeace, you see. >> jimmy: ah! >> so we went with greenpeace who are the coolest people on earth. >> jimmy: yeah, they know how to -- >> oh, they're -- they're funky. >> jimmy: so, were you on a a boat? >> we were on a big trawler, yeah, getting on and off on ropes. >> jimmy: so, it wasn't like a a hotel boat or anything. a carnival cruise? [ light laughter ]
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it wasn't -- >> no. >> jimmy: no, it was not like that. >> no, it was very, very basic. and we got off and washed, cleaned the boat every day. >> jimmy: did you? >> yeah. cleaned the toilets. did all that stuff. >> jimmy: good for you. >> it was very funny. >> jimmy: that's good for the daughter. yeah! 14. you got to work. great vacation. no one has fun anymore. >> no. [ laughter ] oh, no, no, no. i'm from victorian london, darling. i've got proper work ethic. >> jimmy: exactly! thank you for these. these are -- this is your third peter rabbit book. this is like amazing because beatrix potter, this is 100 years old, this story? >> 110. >> jimmy: so you waited long enough to write some of these. [ laughter ] how did you get involved with these -- with this family? >> well, i got -- i got a prop. >> jimmy: a little prop. >> he sent me a little letter. and in the letter, which said "could you write me another tale", this came. [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: no.
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are you kidding me? >> i know. he sent me his jacket. i thought, "he's nude. now he's nude. [ laughter ] what does this mean?" >> jimmy: that's peter rabbit's jacket? >> yeah. [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: that's so cute. >> and so all my correspondents -- they sent me a proper letter saying, "dear e.t., would you do a --" i would of said, "don't be ridiculous. she was a genius. this woman was a genius." she was going to be a a scientist. she was a mycologist. she was an expert on mushrooms. you know? she had a rabbit. >> jimmy: you think it would be dr. seuss. >> yeah! >> jimmy: you think it would be dr. seuss, but, no. [ laughter ] beatrix potter, yeah, yeah. you correspond to the -- they -- >> i correspond. all my correspondence is with peter. i don't have any correspondence with the publishers or anybody. >> jimmy: no human beings. >> no human beings are involved in my correspondence, and all the letters are this size. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: no! >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: and how do you send over your manuscript? >> i write them all on -- you know the normal books? you know, the ones that you were read when you were little. they're wee ones.
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they're little, aren't they? >> jimmy: yeah. >> well, i, i write them -- i cut up pieces of paper in that shape. i write the story on them. which takes a wee while, and then i wrap them up in brown paper like that and tie them up by string and send them by post to the publicist. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you are so fun. you are so fun. come on. you can tell the love that goes into this book. "the spectacular tale of peter rabbit" is the book. [ applause ] would you like to play a game with us? because every time we always ask you to play a game with us. do you -- >> i always want to play a a game. >> jimmy: all right. good. all right. this is going to be fun. we have a special guest. emma thompson and i, we're playing password when we get back with special guest. come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ automotive innovation starts... right here. with a control pad that can read your handwriting, a wide-screen multimedia center, and a head-up display for enhanced driver focus. all inside a newly redesigned cabin of unrivaled style and comfort. ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: very funny. >> jimmy: thank you very much. thank you very much. >> steve: welcome back to "the tonight show," everybody. i'm steve higgins. [ cheers and applause ] and to my right is author and multiple academy award winner, the lovely, fantastical emma thompson. [ cheers and applause ] to my left, is the host of nbc's "tonight show" and sweetheart, jimmy fallon. [ cheers and applause ] emma. >> emma: yes. >> steve: whom are you playing with tonight? >> emma: tonight, i am playing -- well, he's currently starring on broadway at the court theater in "this is our youth." it's -- michael cera. >> steve: michael cera! >> jimmy: my gosh! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh! >> steve: jimminy christmas. >> jimmy: michael cera! >> hello.
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>> jimmy: you're going down, buddy. >> i'm feeling good, man. >> jimmy: you're feeling good, man. >> i'm feeling really good. >> steve: jimmy. >> jimmy: feeling really good. >> i had a lot of carrots back there. [ laughter ] >> steve: i have one question for you? >> jimmy: yes? >> steve: who is your partner? >> jimmy: my partner is the four-time emmy winning star of the hit cbs show "the big bang theory," jim parsons. >> steve: oh! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: oh, oh, my gosh! oh, my gosh! oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause ] wow. >> jimmy: i'm excited! >> you are excited. >> steve: wow! >> jimmy: we are ready! >> steve: let's play some "password"! >> jimmy: very good. here we go. >> steve: oh, my gosh. shut the front door. [ cheers ] well, the rules of the game are very simple. >> jimmy: and what are they? >> steve: i will give each of you a password. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> steve: then, each of you are to give a one-ward clue, one word only, to your partner to guess the password. if a clue is determined illegal by our judges, you will hear this -- [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: ooh.
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>> steve: okay. and you will forfeit your turn. >> oh, goodness. >> jimmy: calm down now, man. [ laughter ] >> steve: let's get angry. i get angry when people don't follow the rules. >> all right, man. we'll follow the rules. >> steve: the team with the most points -- >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> steve: --after six words wins. any questions? >> jimmy: nope. i was just -- >> steve: great. first clue goes to emma and jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, here we go. >> ay-yi-yi. >> announcer: the password is -- >> steve: em? emma, why don't you start us off? >> emma: i -- what? >> steve: you start us off. >> emma: i'm starting? >> steve: yeah. >> emma: okay. um -- okay. oh, no, i don't think that's quite fair. pleasure. [ laughter ] >> sensations? [ laughter ] >> steve: ooh. no. pleasure. >> it's a conservative guess. [ laughter ] >> say it. what is it? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: tom. >> what?
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[ laughter ] tom. >> hanks? >> steve: oh! [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] almost. down a point. [ talking over each other ] >> that's why i said. >> steve: you got to go. you might win this. you might win this. >> was it hanks? >> steve: no, it was not. >> jimmy: oh, it's not hanks. >> steve: hanks is not the correct answer. >> emma: tom. [ laughter ] >> you gave me -- >> steve: it's not hanks. >> jimmy: you can say it again. you can try. >> emma: tom. >> with pleasure as -- [ laughter ] is it obvious? >> i don't know at all. >> it's obvious if you know it. >> yeah. >> um -- cat? [ laughter ] >> steve: oh, tomcat. no, no, no. down to three points, three points. jimmy fallon, three points. >> jimmy: pay attention. focus up! >> i have! >> jimmy: ready? >> yes! >> jimmy: suri. >> oh! >> what did you say? [ laughter ] like, the voice on the phone? siri? >> jimmy: no, i did not say that. >> like, suri?
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>> jimmy: suri. >> you better get it here, jim. >> like tom, suri, pleasure. no, not pleasure. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just -- suri. [ laughter ] >> jones? [ audience ohs ] >> emma: my gosh! >> steve: emma. your turn. two points. for two points. >> that's ridiculous. >> emma: can i do sounds like? >> i really hope i know it. >> jimmy: i hope you know this. >> i think i got it, yeah. >> i hate this. >> jimmy: he's got it. >> steve: he's got it. just say anything. >> emma: tom. >> cruise? >> emma: thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: two points! oh, my god! ♪ >> jimmy: i'm terribly sorry. >> that's confusing. >> jimmy: i confused you. i confused you. i'm sorry. >> all right. i get it now, okay. >> jimmy: oh, gosh. sorry. >> announcer: the password is -- >> steve: okay. michael, you begin.
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>> i start? >> jimmy: michael, you going to go first. >> steve: michael's turn. michael's going to go first. >> geek. >> emma: computer. >> steve: oh! so close. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you have to say one word. [ laughter ] >> sheldon. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: nerd? >> yes! [ dinging ] ♪ >> steve: wow. oh, my god. it's a barn burner. barn burner! third word! >> jimmy: all right. here we go. third word, here we go. >> announcer: the password is -- >> steve: jimmy, you're going to begin. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i go first? >> steve: you go first. >> jimmy: oh, that's fitting. >> steve: that's not fair. >> oh, we're first? >> jimmy: yes.
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>> emma: yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: bratwurst. >> sausage. >> steve: no! [ dinging ] ♪ oh, my gosh. all right, now, michael and jim. >> announcer: the password is -- >> steve: jim, you're going to be -- >> okay. >> emma: they've got eleven. >> okay. >> jimmy: how do we have eleven points? [ laughter ] >> who starts? do they start? >> i think because it's one -- the points go down. somebody explained it to me backstage. >> jimmy: it's 36-1. >> emma: yeah, this is not -- no. >> okay. okay. >> emma: what happened to us? something happened. >> jimmy: yeah, should you go first? >> definitely. >> jimmy: yeah, i think so. >> why? >> oh, wait. >> oh, no, go ahead. go ahead. >> jimmy: all right. you ready? you go first. >> is it -- i mean, i don't want to break the game or anything. >> i don't know the rules that well. >> jimmy: yeah, we're just making it up as we go. >> i mean, bratwurst. everybody would have said sausage. >> jimmy: it was a good one, right? >> you got the point because
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you went first. >> wow. [ laughter ] >> i don't mean -- >> fine. >> i'm just saying. [ audience boos ] i'm just saying. >> steve: hey all right, all right, all right. let's get back to the game. >> a lot of timing in it, that's all i'm saying. >> steve: michael, please. back to the game. [ laughter ] let's see if you can some magic -- >> and keep your people in line, thompson. i'm just saying. [ laughter ] go on. go on. >> emma: back off, back off! >> okay, all right! >> i'm sorry for what i said. >> no, i'm sorry, too. >> jimmy: oh, my -- it's all good. just move on! [ laughter ] >> all right. here we go. >> jimmy: one word. >> one word. here we go. >> angora. >> oh, well -- sweater? >> yes! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: his theory is whoever goes first gets it. >> see what i mean? >> angora. >> jimmy: all right. here we go. it's 11 to 8. >> steve: emma, you begin. >> announcer: the password is -- >> oh, my god. >> no it's yours. >> emma: oh! [ laughter ] i hate that word, so i'm not going to say that word. >> okay. >> jimmy: undies. [ laughter ]
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>> panties? >> jimmy: no. that's the word i don't like. [ laughter ] >> well, i figured -- >> jimmy: no, you can't say that word. it's a -- that's a gross word. people don't like to say that word. >> steve: what word? >> emma: what? >> jimmy: they don't say what he says. >> panties. >> jimmy: no, stop saying that. [ laughter ] >> panties. >> jimmy: no, stop saying it. undies. >> steve: undies. >> jimmy: bloomers. >> well, you're giving him clues now. >> emma: i am, i am. i should just hold that thought. hold that thought. >> "hold that thought," she said. that's not cheating, right? [ laughter ] >> emma: okay. you're holding the thought. >> i got it. >> emma: painful. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> she's acting. she's acting! >> steve: whoa, whoa, hey, hey. >> how do you know she was acting and not just making an adjustment? >> that's true. well, yeah, painful. >> okay. thong? >> emma: ah! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> steve: okay, this is it! >> jimmy: this is it. >> steve: this determines the game! >> we're back. >> >> jimmy: this is it. >> i think when they change the rules it determined the game. [ laughter ] because, you know, whatever -- >> jimmy: not now. >> announcer: the password is -- >> steve: emma, you start this one. >> emma: well, i just did. >> steve: all right, whatever. mike, you do it. >> whatever. >> emma: okay. >> steve: this has gone to hell in a handbag. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: hey, stop. what's your other hand doing? >> steve: nothing. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, here we go. now. >> steve: now. michael, you're going to start? >> oh, man. where do i go with this? oh, man. now, i'm cracking. >> jimmy: no, that's good. it's more than one word though. >> marijuana. >> jimmy: mm. >> emma: nice. [ laughter ] >> oh, oh. >> emma: oh, sorry! no, no! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, no. that doesn't count. >> steve: you do it again. you do it again. >> emma: okay. we have to cut that. >> okay, wait. weed. [ audience oohs ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: come on! let's bring it home!
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>> ganga. >> wait. >> jimmy: huh? [ laughter ] >> how did that make it worse? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what was the first one? >> we had a drum roll, for [ bleep ] sake. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: ganga. pot? [ cheers and applause ] [ dinging ] ♪ >> steve: our winner! [ cheers and applause ] >> it's been such a pleasure. >> jimmy: it's been a pleasure. >> steve: everybody wins! >> jimmy: thank you so much. take care, buddy. our thanks to emma thompson, jim parsons, michael cera. more of "the tonight show" after the break. come on back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is one of the only stand-up comedians to sell out madison square garden. his new showtime special, "dane
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cook -- trouble maker" premieres friday, october 17th at 10:00 p.m. please welcome, dane cook. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> that feels great. thank you so much. it's so good to be here. hi, america, how are you? let's talk about love. [ cheers ] well, not everybody just wooed is actually in love. some people, you think you're in love, but you're not in love. we're going to help to you get the hell out of that right now. love, here's the thing about love -- love, a couple of tests you can do at home, things that you do to see am i really in a loving relationship? here's one. simple one, you can do this tonight. sit on your couch by yourself. watch television. if the person that you are in love with walks into the room and in front of the tv and you watch them walk through like this -- [ laughter ] that's not love.
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no, love is when you see each other, and you start talking to each other like your pets. that's love right there. "are you coming to hang out with me? are you coming to -- right now? you come here. you come here." [ laughter ] love is very sing-songy. that's something else you'll realize about love. it's very -- there's a a musicality to it. let's say the person that you're with is on the other side of the house and they call out your name and it's, you know, sing-songy. you answer back, they call your name. "hey, baby, you called? hey! just give me a second. i'll be right there!" [ laughter ] "i just need a minute! i'm coming!" it's not love if they call your name and you are like, "what!" [ laughter ] "what? come here. you have legs! call my phone! i can't stand you right now!" [ laughter and applause ] it's not love. i watched a couple the other night. this to me was kind of like
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the, i don't know, the antithesis of real, true love. there was a couple. they were married for ten years. and they were sitting -- this is unbelievable. i had like a visceral reaction watching this profile on tv, and they were looking through old photos together. and the wife says to her husband, "this is me when i was 5-years-old. my parents took me to disney world." and he was like, "oh, that's so cool! let me see that picture of you. like, this is crazy because i went to disney world when i was 5, and that looks like my dad in your picture. do you have other pictures?" so, yeah. they looked through a few more pictures, and sure enough, there's a picture of the two of them together standing side-by-side at 5-years-old. and they're almost shoulder to shoulder. she's almost kind of looking at him. they're both like -- and i really thought this was just kind of an unbelievable, serendipitous, universal love moment. i thought the only thing that could really make this far more incredible or enchanting is if that couple was murdered -- [ laughter ] -- and the guy that killed them was also in the picture when he was 5-years- old. [ laughter ] he's just on a ride in the background staring down.
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and i suppose the only thing that could trump that is if the homicide detective that found the murder that killed the couple, also in the picture when he was 5. [ laughter ] i think it's amazing the way women, you remember the exact moment that you realized you're in love and usually wait. you hold back for a little bit, and then finally one night you're laying in bed. we're playing footsies, and you like to get a little bit shy. "do you know when i knew, do you know when i really knew that i really was in love with you? do you know when i knew? and i'm so embarrassed to tell you this." girls love being embarrassed, don't you? "i'm a little embarrassed." [ light laughter ] okay. here it is. this is when i knew that i loved you. four months before we met -- [ laughter ] -- i went to a psychic. she told me i was going to meet a guy that wears hats. i was, like, i don't like hats on guys, so this is all wrong already. two weeks later, i saw you at
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the farmer's market three and a a half months before we met. you were buying kettle corn. you were wearing a hat. [ giggles ] and two things occurred to me in that moment. number one, i knew that i was deeply in love with you. and number two, i could feel the shadow of your child growing inside of me. [ laughter ] don't freak out. just a shadow child, not a real baby. just a shadow child. you are saying, dane cook, how can i keep the relationship effervescent and exciting and bring it to the next level? you got to watch porn together as a couple, yes. i highly recommend. yes, of course, watch some porn together. make it an experience, right? you sit down. you know, get the ipad out, right? first thing you do is go to the categories. okay? go to the categories. open those up. peruse. take a look around. don't be intimated because the categories is, it's pretty extensive. they've added a lot. [ laughter ] category six or seven years ago, it was like asian, threesome, latina.
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that's about all you had. you open up the categories now it's like the menu at cheesecake factory. it's just an anxiety-riddled -- [ laughter ] so, what is a category that you can enjoy together? there's many different things. i would recommend starting with something like role playing. you guys can do some role playing, right? that's got to be a great thing to do together. if you're saying, "dane, i'm a a little trepedacious. i don't know about role playing. how do i do it?" i'm going to prepare you right now. it's real simple. traditionally, this is what happens. the woman will dress up as, like, a princess. [ laughter ] and then the guy will dress as a guy that wants to bang a a princess. [ laughter ] so, you're basically wearing the outfit right now. you're in princess. thank you very much, everybody. i'm -- [ cheers and applause ] i'm dane cook. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: come on, brother. come give me some action. come on. come on. dane, come on. dane cook! [ cheers and applause ]
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dane! come back. come on, brother! >> thank you. >> jimmy: dane cook, ladies and gentlemen. congrats on the showtime special, pal. >> oh, man, thank you. >> jimmy: that's going to be fun. more with dane cook and we'll be right back after this, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ may your lights, always be green. ♪ and your favorite songs, always playing. ♪ may you never be stuck behind a stinky truck. ♪ may things, always go your way. but it's good to be prepared, just in case they don't. toyota, let's go places. safely. introducing new listerine® healthy white™. it not only safely whitens teeth, but also restores enamel. lose the nerves, and get a healthier, whiter smile that you'll love. listerine® healthy white™. power to your mouth™!
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trying to mislead you about the effects of proposition 46. well here's the truth: 46 will save lives. it will save money too. i'm bob pack, and i'm fighting for prop 46 because
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i lost my two children to preventable medical errors and i don't want anyone else to lose theirs. the three provisions in 46 will reduce medical errors and protect patients. save money and save lives. yes on 46. ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. we're hanging out with dane cook, whose stand-up special "trouble maker"-- dane cook "trouble maker"
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premiers october 17th on showtime. set your tivo. set your, set your hulu. >> your dvr. >> jimmy: set your dvr. set your -- oh, yeah. you got to see this guy. i'm so happy. thank you for doing that 'cause that's such a treat, man. >> aww, man. that was so wonderful. thanks very much. [ cheers and applause ] it's great to be here. on "the tonight show" doing stand-up. >> jimmy: it's so fun! i remember like, we kind of started out at the same time, right? kind of the same class. >> we were like always, like '96, '97, '98 -- passing. i would do gigs. i remember they would be like, "hey, i hope you're funny tonight because we had fallon last week and he killed." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, no. >> not kidding you, man. i was behind ow the road for a a long time. shadowing you. >> jimmy: we did a lot of college gigs and we did everything. but i remember standing at the back of the improv. and you would do, i mean, these are now classic bits, but you do the pick a number. one, two, three, four. that's it. i love that one. and then you did speak and spell, which is one of my favorite bits ever. where that's how you learned how to talk. >> i know. and i wrote those in eighth grade. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but that's so -- it's so good.
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oh, my gosh. no one wanted to follow you 'cause it was so good. you used to get standing ovations. >> you know, i came up in boston. all those guys like sweeney and gasman that were so incredible that you had to be ready. every set had to be, like, a-game set. so -- >> jimmy: and that was the one, "speak and so" is the one that got you on letterman? >> it did. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> joey freeman, who booked letterman at the time, saw me do that in the village and gave me my first ever late night spot on letterman. from that bit. >> jimmy: come on. that's so cool. [ cheers and applause ] [ talking over each other ] >> thanks, buddy. >> jimmy: thanks so much for coming on. thank you for doing this, you guys. dane cook. check him out. "trouble maker" on showtime friday, october 17th. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to emma thompson. dane cook! [ cheers and applause ] michael cera, jim parsons. thanks to those guys! and the roots right there from philadelphia. happy birthday, tariq. happy birthday, tariq. stay tuned for "late night with seth myers." thank you for watching. have a great weekend. hope to see you next week. buh-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ seth meyers." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight, martha stewart. actress and comedian ana gasteyer.


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