tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC August 24, 2017 12:37am-1:38am PDT
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- kelly ripa, star of "friends from college," actor fred savage, comedian ahamed weinberg. featuring the 8g band with brad wilk. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, everybody, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. newly-appointed white house communications director anthony scaramucci announced that press briefings will be televised again, tweeting yesterday, "tv cameras are back on." yeah, i bet they are. [ light laughter ]
look at that guy. he did not work on his hair that long to go on the radio. [ laughter ] he probably can't reach orgasm without at least two cameras on him. [ laughter ] look at him. he's like a televangelist without the humility. ladies and gentlemen, the mooch! [ cheers and applause ] white house -- give it up for the mooch! white house communications director anthony scaramucci reportedly told his staff today, quote, "you're either going to stop leaking, or you're going to get fired." replied the leaker, "you can't fire me, i'm the president." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the girl scouts have announced that they will offer 23 new badges focused on science, technology, engineering and math, while the boy scouts have announced they're just going to lay low for a while. [ laughter ] president trump spoke yesterday at the boy scout jamboree and
bragged about his election victory over hillary clinton. and every scout in attendance earned the merit badge for eye rolling. [ laughter and applause ] that's right, president trump -- president trump attended the boy scout jamboree, specifically to ask for some help finding don jr. [ light laughter ] "he's somewhere in the woods. who has a compass? don't come back with eric." [ laughter ] a spokesman for melania trump said recently that the first family does not currently have plans to get a white house pet. apparently they're still pretty bummed that the old one ran off. [ laughter ] "sean? sean! papa, i'm worried about sean." [ light laughter ] according to the "washington post," president trump is considering ted cruz as a replacement for attorney general jeff sessions. and if you thought jeff sessions was bad, you were right. [ laughter ]
and finally today was national wine and cheese day, which is a day celebrated mainly by crackers. [ laughter and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. she's the host of abc's "live with kelly and ryan," one of my all-time favorites, kelly ripa is here tonight! [ cheers and applause ] he is one of the stars of netflix's new show, "friends from college." the wonderful fred savage is back on "late night." [ cheers and applause ] and we'll have stand-up from a very funny comedian. ahamed weinberg is here. [ cheers and applause ] you're here on an excellent night. before we get to that, here at "late night," every night, i deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. as a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that, due to my being a straight, white male, would be difficult for me to deliver. but we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them. so we'd like to share them with you now in a segment called "jokes seth can't tell." ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
>> seth: these are two of our writers, amber and jenny. >> i'm black. >> and i'm gay. >> and we're both women. >> seth: and i'm not! [ light laughter ] so here's how this works. i'll read the set-ups for these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines. here we go. a catholic man recently wrote a book called "why i don't call myself gay." >> look for it in the closet of your local book store. [ light laughter ] >> seth: a black tourist in amsterdam was recently pushed down the stairs by her airbnb host. >> it was the best experience a black person has had with airbnb. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] >> seth: have you had bad experiences on airbnb? >> as soon as someone lets me stay with them, i'll let you know. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] i'm fine, i have a house. [ laughter ] >> seth: according to a recent study, the average number of guests at a lesbian wedding is 87. >> it's two brides and 85 ex-girlfriends. [ light laughter ] >> seth: jenny, what's a lesbian
wedding like? >> well, it's just like a straight wedding, except instead of rice you throw power tools. >> seth: oh, cool. [ light laughter ] a virginia teenager recently became the first african american boy to be named valedictorian of his high school. >> but he'll still be tried as an adult. [ audience oohs ] [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: if it was up to them, you'd lose that house. [ laughter ] >> i meant apartment. [ laughter ] >> seth: i was going to say. [ laughter ] i know what i pay you. [ laughter ] a new study claims that millennials are having a hard time saving money because they're eating out too much. >> "no such thing," said lesbians. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: jenny is winning. [ laughter ]
a military officer born in ghana recently became queen elizabeth's first close black adviser. >> or as the queen calls him, "driver." [ laughter ] >> seth: according to a recent article, the newest gay icon is the horror movie character, the "babadook." >> while the lesbian icon is still the birkenstock. [ laughter ] >> seth: are birkenstocks really the ultimate lesbian icon? >> no, the ultimate lesbian icon is your haircut. >> seth: oh, hey. [ laughter ] the maddow. [ light laughter ] the city of rochester, new york, recently hired their first black female firefighter. >> and their dalmatian will not stop barking at her. [ laughter ] hey, seth, you know how you can tell she's a black firefighter? >> seth: how? >> she carries an ask. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] just you, brother! >> i get it! >> seth: did you find the one person? >> yeah. [ laughter ]
you see, black people say "axe." [ light laughter ] so then -- if they're carrying an axe, they would say ask. [ light laughter ] still no? [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: the chinese government recently shut down the country's most popular lesbian dating app. >> a lesbian dating app is like a regular dating app, except you swipe like this. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: did i get that right? cool. and how long do you have to do it? >> as long as she wants. >> seth: okay, great. [ light laughter ] according to a recent article, the number of black students at harvard law school dropped significantly last year. >> a black harvard student is like a white harvard student, except when he says, "do you know who my father is?" he's really asking. [ laughter ] [ applause ]
>> seth: i'm sorry to correct you, but i think he's axing. [ laughter and applause ] >> hey, seth, why don't you tell one? >> seth: oh, i don't think i should, jenny. >> you gotta, bud! >> seth: i don't think i'll get away with it. >> oh, come on, do it. >> seth: okay. >> what could go wrong? >> seth: if you promise nothing will go wrong. >> yeah, promise. >> seth: the black ensemble movie "girls trip" had the largest opening of any live action comedy so far this year. beating the previous record for largest opening, yo mama. >> how dare you? >> seth: you told me i could say it! >> you should be ashamed of yourself! >> seth: lesbians and black women are liars! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more "late night," everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ (boy) and these are the lungs.
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: welcome back and give it up for the 8g band right over there, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] also back with us tonight on the drums, he's a founding member of the ground-breaking hard rock bands, rage against the machine and audioslave, check him out in prophets of rage, whose self-titled album is out september 15th, brad wilk, everybody. thank you so much for being here, brad. [ cheers and applause ]
now, today, republicans voted on a motion to start debate about repealing obamacare, which could make one of the greatest challenges this country faces, the opioid crisis, more difficult to deal with. it's an epidemic that affects millions of americans, regardless of race, religion or socioeconomic status. and it's an issue that donald trump promises voters he would focus on when he became president. we decided to take a break from the breaking news to see how that's going. it's time for the "check-in." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: while campaigning in new hampshire, one of the hardest hit states by prescription pain killer abuse, then candidate trump promised he would devote additional resources to fighting opioid addiction. but when asked what his plan was for combating the issue, he couldn't help but make it all about himself. >> what is your view on how we get more treatment facilities in this state, and other states? >> well, you do have to have that and -- you know it's amazing, i've gotten, as you know, i'm up here a lot. in fact, from here i go and make a speech at a certain place and we're going to have a lot of fun, and i'm in new hampshire so much. i'm doing great in new hampshire.
i'm leading in the polls by a lot, and we're having a lot of fun here and i've gotten to know the people. i have a lot of friends. [ laughter ] >> seth: you know, for a guy who doesn't seem very athletic, he sure turns into neo when he doesn't like a question. [ light laughter ] so just to clarify, his response to the opioid crisis is, "i have friends and we have a lot of fun." [ light laughter ] that's the response a teenager would give if his parents caught him using opioids. "what's happening to you, kevin?" "i have friends and we have a lot of fun!" [ light laughter ] now, if you have to make a point to tell people you have so many friends, it's probably safe to assume you don't have that many. but actually trump does have one. >> we're fortunate to have governor chris christie with us, a friend of mine, a great friend of mine. a very, very early endorser. in fact, an immediate endorser once he got out of the race. [ light laughter ] he liked himself more than he liked me. but other than that. >> still do, sir. but that's all right. [ laughter ] >> seth: yes, sir. yes, sir, i am your friend, sir.
[ light laughter ] sir, i will see you at the bro down, sir. new jersey governor chris christie was right by trump's side there, because the president was hosting a listening session on opioid abuse. and he appointed christie to lead a bipartisan opioid commission to try to come up with solutions to curb prescription pain killer abuse, and develop better plans for treatment. and chris christie is the perfect choice to lead a bipartisan commission, because if there's one issue of bipartisan agreement right now, it's that everyone, regardless of party, hates chris christie. [ applause ] >> this is the governor who has the lowest approval rating, not just of any governor in recent memory here in the state, but across the country. hovering at just 15%. >> seth: 15%. chris christie is as popular with voters as salad is with chris christie. [ light laughter ] so how is he doing leading the commission? >> president donald trump's commission aimed at fighting opioid abuse and devising a strategy to provide treatment to those addicted, will miss for the second time its deadline to file an interim report to the president.
>> seth: even worse, experts point out that the administration's current priorities, which include an emphasis on enforcement over treatment, are not going to help turn the epidemic around. and the reason law enforcement can't solve the problem alone, is because far too often, opioid addiction begins legally. with doctors prescribing strong painkillers, and pharmaceutical companies endorsing the drugs, because they stand to benefit from sales of them. and this is important, because when mentioning drug abuse, trump almost always finds a way to blame it on the border, and illegal drugs coming from mexico. and that is a very real problem. but in this case, the pills are coming from inside the house. [ light laughter ] for example, west virginia has one of the highest overdose rates in the country, and this might help explain why. >> this is kermit, west virginia. population just under 400. and this was the save-rite pharmacy in kermit. where at least 9 million opioid painkillers were shipped in just two years. 9 million. that's the equivalent of over 22,000 pills for every person in
town. >> seth: 22,000 pills for each person in town. can you imagine the size of their pill-a-day organizers? [ laughter ] and when the supply to legal pharmaceuticals is cut off. people who are now addicted turn to illegal drugs like heroin, which is why we have a responsibility to value treatment over law enforcement. trump should look at it this way, he's never done heroin, but if they outlawed kfc, he might. [ light laughter ] "this is the last of the chicken, sir." "oh, my god, tie me off!" [ light laughter ] and just yesterday trump defended his health care bill and what it would do to address the opioid crisis specifically. >> it devotes substantial resources to fight the opioid -- and this is a tremendous problem, the opioid epidemic. $45 billion is being put in. so that the people of many states like new hampshire, ohio, and so many others that have such a big problem, can be helped and helped greatly.
>> seth: $45 billion sounds like a lot of money, but don't be fooled. because according to reports that number is drastically short of what would be needed to make up for the legislations deep cuts to medicaid, which has provided treatment for hundreds of thousands of people. so the money he's giving is less than the money he's taking away. basically, trump is saying, "we're going to give you bigger portions, but we're also going to burn down the restaurant." [ light laughter ] and it's not just the health care plan, trump's budget proposal would slash funding for drug treatment services and according to new hampshire senators jeanne shaheen and maggie hassan. trump's opioid commission has also delayed the implementation of existing recommendations from health experts that could save lives now if implemented. we even reached out to new hampshire senator shaheen's office to see if at the very least, any additional money has been given to the state as was promised. as of this taping, we were told that new hampshire has not received any additional funding from the trump administration to tackle the opioid epidemic. so what's trump been so busy doing instead? ♪ [ applause ] [ honking ]
>> look at that. >> oh! >> look at that. ♪ [ laughter ] >> where's the fire? ♪ >> seth: man, what is this? the make-a-wish presidency? [ laughter ] "i want to be a fireman, a cowboy, a golf man, and a sword." [ laughter ] and i'm sorry, are you sick? "i'm sick of working." [ light laughter ] at this point, trump's been in more fire trucks than a dalmatian. [ light laughter ] and some advocates say that trump is passing up opportunities to crack down on the pharmaceutical industry, which reports said fuelled the prescription opioid epidemic. perhaps making matters worse, trump chose dr. scott gottlieb, the former federal official with financial ties to pharmaceutical companies to run the food and drug administration, which approved opioids, among other things. according to reports, gottlieb has funded several health care start-ups and has received millions of dollars for his work with large pharmaceutical companies. he now has to recuse himself for at least one year, for any fda
decisions involving his former clients, which seems to be the m.o. of this administration. gottlieb recusing himself from some fda decisions, jeff sessions recusing himself from the russian investigation, and melania recusing herself from any and all physical contact. ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: and -- and to be fair to trump, this didn't happen on his watch. but he is now president of a country that consumes about 80% of the global opioid supply, and 99% of the world's hydrocodone, a powerful painkiller. continuing to do nothing is both dangerous and irresponsible. this is a crisis that affects our families and our friends, and that should matter to trump, because as we all know -- >> i have a lot of friends. [ laughter ] >> seth: this has been "the check-in." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with kelly ripa, everybody!
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>> seth: welcome back, everybody. our first guest tonight is an emmy award-winning talk show host, whom you can see weekdays on "live with kelly and ryan." please welcome back to the show, our friend kelly ripa, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: hi! >> hi, i'm so happy to see you. >> seth: i'm so happy to see you, you look wonderful. >> you know, i wanted to tell you, i was backstage watching, and your eyes are popping with the suit and the backdrop. popping. >> seth: oh, it's a blue eye popping night? oh, thank you very much. >> you look good. you look good. you're popping. >> seth: that's so nice of you to say. this is very exciting. last time you were here, you were a solo host on your show. >> that's right. >> seth: you did not have a permanent co-host, and now you have mr. ryan seacrest. >> i have my ryan seacrest, yes. >> seth: congratulations. >> thank you very much. >> seth: are you -- [ cheers and applause ] yeah, give it up for ryan, everybody. is it nice to have someone permanent? because you basically would
just, you would be -- you would cycle through guest hosts. i've guest hosted -- >> oh, yeah. >> seth: and you have to be the host, not just of the guests on the show, but you also have to kind of like, help the co-host. >> well -- well first of all, ryan is like my dream. and he's been a friend of mine for 15 years. so it's nice to go to work with your friends. >> seth: that's great. >> it's great. but it's weird. i would find myself constantly being terrified of getting sick or falling ill or getting near -- if somebody coughed on the street, i would hold my breath for ten seconds. [ light laughter ] because as you know, ten seconds is as long as it takes for germs to evaporate. >> seth: yeah, a cough -- a cough only lives ten seconds. [ laughter ] >> yes. a sneeze on the subway is like 45 seconds to a minute. >> seth: minutes, i think it's -- yeah. [ light laughter ] >> and you're like -- >> seth: i think currently on the new york subway, sneezes are living 45 minutes. [ light laughter ] >> probably they could, they could. and then i would find myself constantly worrying about, you know, knowing everything. not everything, i just mean knowing who the guests were, and what time it was. and how many seconds three minutes are.
in real, in conver -- you know what i mean? >> seth: yeah. >> it's like, you have to really host a talk show to know, do i ask this question, or is this long-winded person going to give me a -- >> seth: absolutely. that's a big part of it. because someone is telling you how much time you have left. >> exactly. right, right. >> seth: and well, it's weird, because i feel like you were -- the show was like a child, and you had a different co-parent every day. >> and a different co-parent -- >> seth: and they would show up and say, "is he allergic to nuts?" [ laughter ] he'd be like, yes. >> what are we taking to the school potluck? >> seth: so -- so, this is very exciting. >> yeah, it's nice. >> seth: now, you had many co-hosts -- >> yes. >> seth: and i've done it. fred savage, who is our next guest, has done it. >> yes. fred savage has done it. >> seth: you, in 2006, you had a co-host. he was a very famous television star at the time. he's now president of the united states. >> yeah, yeah. >> seth: how -- i'm just curious, how was he as a co-host? >> you're welcome, everybody. [ laughter ] he was great as a co-host. you know what's crazy, he was talking about running for president then. >> seth: in -- yeah. >> then. and i remember actively having this conversation with him.
i said -- he said, "everybody wants me to run for president." and i said, "who?" [ laughter ] and he was like, "you know, everybody, because i know -- you know i'm good with dealing -- all of my business dealings, i'm a negotiator." and i said, "but why would you want to do that? why would you want to give up your life, which is so good. you're not going to be able to go to florida any more." >> seth: yeah. >> you're not going to be able to golf every weekend. and i was wrong. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> like you can do that. >> seth: yeah. you were -- >> yeah. >> seth: in principle, you were right. >> in theory, i was right, but now i realize that i'm an idiot and none of that is true. [ light laughter ] >> seth: no, i will say, if there's anyone who has made me feel like an idiot more, it is this gentleman right here. because -- >> he proves you wrong every time. >> seth: he proves you wrong all the time. >> yeah, every time. >> seth: but he was a good host? he wasn't like nervous or anything? >> no, he wasn't >> seth: he wasn't like, "i hope i was okay today." [ light laughter ] >> no, he was great -- he was -- he came out, and he was like, "this is going to be the biggest-rated show you have ever had." >> seth: yeah, that sounds -- [ laughter ] >> and i was like, "oh, my god. that's amazing." >> seth: you -- you guys always do fantastic halloween costumes
on the show, and you trumped it up this year. >> i trumped it up, yes, i know. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: you hear from him? did you get any feedback? >> i didn't get any feedback from him, which i was thankful for. because -- because after, you know, i heard that there was problems with melissa mccarthy's portrayal of sean spicer. >> seth: right, he didn't love that. >> and i heard life -- life became hard, because a woman was portraying him, and then i was like, "oh my gosh, if he finds out a woman portrayed him, what's going to happen." but then i realized, like i mean, you know i'm like peter pan at best. so i guess i -- i guess he didn't have to fire himself over that. >> seth: yeah, he got it, he got it. he survived -- he survived that. >> he survived me playing him. >> seth: so you -- this is your summer. you have some vacation time. >> yes. >> seth: and you have been going out to vancouver. we were talking backstage. >> yes. going out to vancouver to visit my husband, who is working on a show called "riverdale." >> seth: what a fantastic show. [ cheers and applause ] but -- >> you want to -- can i tell you something right now? this is the difference -- this
is how much younger your audience is than mine. every time i say "riverdale" to my audience, they're like, "what is that, a school?" [ light laughter ] and like, your audience just reacted to that. >> seth: yeah. but they should -- your audience should know it, because they maybe read archie comics. >> maybe. [ laughter ] >> seth: so, but you've been doing like outdoorsy vacations. >> i've been doing outdoorsy vacations. we took the kids camping at a place on vancouver island, where -- the first thing you do is you arrive by sea plane. and -- and at first i got very -- i didn't know how to pack, so i'm such an idiot, mark said, we're going camping, but they have a jacuzzi. so i packed two bikinis and a pair of shorts. >> seth: great. >> meanwhile, i'm going to the wilderness in snow-capped mountains with two bikinis and a pair of shorts. and -- and for some reason i brought an evening dress. [ light laughter ] so anyway -- so anyway, we land and they pick you up in a horse and buggy. >> seth: wow. >> and they say to you -- do you have food on you?
and i'm like, "i am a mom of three kids. i have a seven-course dinner in my backpack." >> seth: yeah. >> they take all the food away, and i said -- and they said -- and they put it in a zip-loc bag, and they said after you check out you can have this back. and i said, "why -- can i ask why?" and they said, "well, you don't want the bears to come to your tent." and i said "oh, are there a lot of bears here?" and they said, "you're in the ursus mountains, ursus means bears. [ laughter ] and lo and behold, we go to our tents and we get on bicycles, because the kids want to learn how to skeet shoot. >> seth: uh-huh. they wanted to learn how to skeet shoot on bicycles? >> no, no, no, you have to bicycle -- >> seth: okay, gotcha. >> you have to bicycle down a path to the skeet shoot thing. [ laughter ] like, listen, you -- you have a new baby, my kids are really gifted. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, gotcha. >> you'll learn they're gifted. [ laughter ] children are so magical, aren't they? no but -- so we -- they said,
"well, we'll get some guides to take you down the bike path." and i said, "we can find our way down the bike path." and they said, "no, you don't get it, you need guides everywhere you go here." and i didn't really understand it, and we're on the bicycles. we've been there for four minutes, we're riding on a path and all of a sudden, a bear gets up and is like, "hey, i'm a bear." and we're like, "oh, my god." [ laughter ] >> seth: and did you keep biking? like, what do you do? >> so everybody sort of stopped. everybody skittered to a stop. but i learned how to ride a bicycle when i was 40. so i didn't stop. i did this. i was like going slowly in a big circle. [ laugher ] slowly in a big circle. >> seth: the funny thing is, that's what -- >> i was like, "oh, what do we now? is it gonna run away?" and they're like, and they go, "oh, that's just brown bum, he'll run away in a minute." and so brown bum quickly figured out that we were way more afraid of him than he was of us. so he was like -- so he started to run, and then he stopped and was like, "pff." >> seth: right. [ light laughter ] >> and he stared at us, and we stared at him, and then i
thought to myself, if he charges at us, what do we do? and in my mind i'm like, i read if a bear attacks you, what you do, what you do is, you make yourself as big as possible so i got off the bike and i was like -- [ laugher ] >> seth: and then brown bum was like, "that's the best you got?" [ laughter ] >> yeah, that's the best you got? that's it? so, it was really exciting. >> seth: but obviously, so, it worked out all right. >> it worked out okay, yeah. >> seth: thank you so much for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> seth: always so great to see you. kelly ripa, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] "live with kelly and ryan" airs weekdays in syndication. check your local listings. we'll be right back with fred savage. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ a modern way to pay. you excited? it's sold out. don't fret, my friend. i masterpassed it! you can use it online and on your phone i masterpassed it. you got the tickets? onward!
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: our next guest is an accomplished director and an emmy and golden globe-nominated actor you know from "the wonder years." he stars in the new series "friends from college," which is streaming on netflix. let's take a look. ♪ >> oh man, was that just like, chopped up adderall? >> oh no, brother. that's cocaine. >> [ bleep ] that cocaine? i did cocaine? ♪ >> oh my god, that's it.
>> you're so talented, maxey. >> seth: please welcome back to the show, fred savage, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hello. >> seth: so happy to have you here. >> thank you for having me. this is a pleasure. >> seth: congrats on the show. >> thank you. >> seth: "friends from college." so you -- this is what it says it is in the title. it's about a group of friends who are now in their 40's hanging out. >> yes, it's about -- it's about a group of six friends who all went to college together, and they're really clinging on to the past. that was kind of -- their glory years was college. and so the show is really about how this friendship has been great in some aspects, but it's really held them back from being real adults and advancing their life and careers and relationships. they're stuck in college. >> seth: it's a fantastic cast. billy eichner. you're dating billy eichner. >> dating billy eichner. yeah, nat faxon, cobie smulders,
jae park, annie parisse, it's like an amazing, amazing cast. >> seth: now this is amazing, obviously you know some tap skills, because that was actual tap dancing. >> you could see that, couldn't you? >> seth: you could. >> you could identify that that wasn't made up. >> seth: that wasn't cgi. >> no that wasn't -- >> seth: that wasn't a body double. >> no, no, and they asked me, they said, "do you want us to cgi this?" i'm like, "guys, i got it." >> seth: really? >> yeah. [ light laughter ] put away the computers, it's on me. and i think you can all see, that's four years of tap at jane perry dance. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: wow. >> now four years of tap and jazz. >> seth: tap and jazz. >> tap and jazz, 'cause you got to know how to move your whole body. >> seth: right. >> yeah, not just -- >> seth: that's a lot of the -- the mistake a lot of people make is they just focus on the feet. >> that's a fool's errand. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> yeah, that's a dumb -- >> seth: that's dumb. >> that's not how you do it. and so i was like, this is really cool. 'cause i did it when i was probably like -- like seven through like 11, and i was like this is -- this is going to be awesome. and i had friends who were going to like, you know, hockey practice and soccer practice and football. i'm like, good luck with sports, dummies. [ light laughter ]
i got -- i got tap and jazz waiting for me, with jane perry. >> seth: yeah, jane perry was your instructor. >> yeah. >> seth: the great jane perry. >> you know her. >> seth: yeah. >> and you've seen the work. i mean, it holds up. [ light laughter ] >> seth: you sent this photo, which is very kind of you, because a lot of people would not be cool having this out there. >> this is the most embarrassing -- and i trust you with this, and only you. >> seth: only me. >> yeah. >> seth: and yet, here i am going to show it to everybody. >> it's okay. >> seth: look at, look at you tap. look at you. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] also, i want to point out -- >> i'm so -- the thing that breaks my heart, is i'm so happy. >> seth: oh, yeah. >> like, i'm so -- like i belong there. [ laughter ] >> seth: also, there's like -- that kids wearing a white sox hat and that kids wearing a cubs hat, and you're wearing like, i guess some sort of like, naval ship hat. [ laughter ] >> yeah. well, i didn't want -- you know, we were in chicago. so, i didn't want to -- you know, that divides the city. >> seth: you wanted to be a man for all. >> we all get behind the navy. [ laughter ] those guys were divisive. the audience hated -- >> seth: they were, yeah.
that's why they put them in the back and you got to be up front. >> that's right. [ light laughter ] >> seth: look at how happy you are. >> i'm really -- it really makes me so happy and sad. [ laughter ] because -- there's no irony. >> seth: 'cause this gentleman here is conflicted. [ laughter ] >> he is, yeah. >> seth: if we can get a little closer to see the face. that guys not sure -- >> his mom makes him go. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> but this guy is like "mom! is it wednesday yet?" [ laughter ] you know -- 'cause i wanna go. >> seth: so you're a fun guy, you obviously -- there you are having fun with a bunch of people. >> yeah. >> seth: but you got busted on by your cast from "friends from college," a lot of them said in the press that everybody after shooting would hang out except for you. >> that's true. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. that's true, that's true. >> seth: so you obviously like these people. >> i love these people and they're incredible people and they're very talented. i just feel like, from a very young age, i really like separated work and my personal life. i think like, i think especially growing up, you know, in front of the camera, like that was a healthy, you know, balance. >> seth: right. >> you have work and then you have your social life and you don't really intermingle the
two. now, granted i probably should re-evaluate that since i was 11, like a new policy. but it's really like -- it's good. so when i work like i'm there, i'm totally focused and i'm super gung ho and i'm really excited to be there. and then when we are done, like i'm excited about like, the other parts of my life. and they didn't -- that was news. >> seth: that was news. >> that was news. >> seth: they said it sort of jokingly. but then everybody wrote headlines that -- and then was like, what did your wife say when she read the headlines? >> well, when it first came out, it's like, oh fred savage doesn't hang out with his cast. which is like, you know, when you're on location -- like when you shoot on location, like for adults that's like camp. >> seth: yeah. >> like you can go and their out all night. they're having a great time. and so i left, you know, my wife and family are in l.a. and i'm here in new york. and so for the headline, the scoop to be like fred savage didn't do anything, it was great for like my home life. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> for like my marriage, that was great, you know? and so when the first article came out my wife's like, "oh honey, it just shows you're a professional." and i'm like, "oh my gosh, my wife voice came out with my mom's voice in this." [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, i'd be like -- and your --
>> that was my -- "my mom's like this! it's great, great." [ light laughter ] oh, my god. i'm sorry -- i gotta work on it. sorry, honey. >> seth: yeah. >> i gotta work on a new -- but, so jennifer's very supportive. she goes, "it's great, you look like a professional. you're focused on work, that's fantastic." but then, like the more people talked about it, it came out and she's like, "yeah, you look like a dick." >> seth: yeah, it's not -- [ laughter ] >> she's like, "you should hang out. like just go once -- once in a while." >> seth: what were you choosing instead of hanging out with your cast mates? >> i picked tv, seth. picked tv. >> seth: oh, oh, gotcha. >> yeah, yeah. we were in new york in the city shooting like in the fall, when all of the new tv comes out. >> seth: yeah. >> and i didn't have a dvr in my hotel. so that's appointment television, i got to be there or i'm going to miss it. [ laughter ] >> seth: so you actually -- >> so when you're in new york with a free night, that's "this is us" time. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter and applause ] >> yeah, i mean, you know. i didn't want to -- i didn't want to miss anything. >> seth: yeah, well i remember when we were kids, we would always take a trip down to new york to watch "cheers." >> right, yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. it's the greatest city in the world to watch television. >> to watch television, yeah. yeah. really got those great videos on. sometimes i just leave the video on for the hotel. >> seth: yeah.
>> it tells you all the amenities. >> seth: oh, right. the marriott, it's like -- [ laughter ] >> it's very relaxing. >> seth: it is very relaxing, and it's only about two minutes long, so after about an hour, you know it. [ light laughter ] >> yeah, right. like, i know where the gym is. not that i'm going to go, but if i need to. >> seth: yeah. i know where the bistro is and where the fine dining is. >> and i know up until what time you serve breakfast. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> guess who's not going to call at 11:00 wanting an omelet? me. >> seth: that's great. >> because i watched the video. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] i gotta tell you, man, i would say right now, next time you're in new york, i would love to party with you, but i just know that you won't hang out with me. so, yeah. >> well, no, but you can over, we can watch together. >> seth: okay, great. [ light laughter ] >> yeah, we can watch tv together. >> seth: all right, 'cause next season "this is us." i can't wait to be over at your hotel. >> i mean, you're gonna have -- you can't talk though, during it. >> seth: okay, fine. [ light laughter ] >> i don't want to -- get up to speed now, because i don't want to be like -- it's in the past. >> seth: okay, gotcha. >> those are the same people today. >> seth: i'm a decent human. i'm not going to make you explain the show while we're watching. >> i've never watched tv with you, i don't know. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] >> yeah. i watched "game of thrones" with some friends last week.
and my friend, she really loves the show. she's super into it. and watched every episode, and i -- you know, i love it and watch it, and know it, too. and i watch it with her just to ask questions. she was so mad at me. it was my favorite thing. [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> it was my favorite thing! it's really fun to ruin someone's sunday, guys. [ laughter ] try it, try it. >> seth: you know what, by the way -- >> so wait, who's that? >> seth: all your -- all your friends college cast mates are hearing this, they tell you to say this, and they're like, "i'm glad that dude didn't hang out. that guy's a bad seed." [ laughter ] >> look, i'm not gonna lie. i've done them a favor, they just -- they just don't know it. >> seth: but i'm always glad when you're here, thank you so much for being back. >> it's a pleasure. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: give it up for fred savage, everybody. "friends from college," streaming on netflix. we'll be right back with stand-up with ahamed weinberg. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [background chatter] [cup hits floor] [tray clatters on table] [improvised musical sounds]
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our next guest is a very funny stand-up comedian. he'll be performing at the american comedy company in san diego on august 13th. you can see him in his web series, "ahamed ramadan diary", on comedycentral.com. please welcome ahamed weinberg. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hey, how's it going? [ cheers and applause ] thank you. my name is ahamed weinberg. [ light laughter ] thanks, my parents wrote that joke. [ light laughter ] appreciate it.
my dad is a jew who converted to islam. which is the reason the answering machine in my house growing up was assalamu alaikum, you've reached the weinbergs, please leave a message. nobody left a message, ever. [ laughter ] if they did it, it was 20 seconds of silence and then -- and then some guy would be like "dude, hang up." [ laughter ] my mom was raised irish catholic. she was one of ten, and then she converted to islam. and then my parents met and they said, "it's on." [ laughter ] they said, "let's make the weirdest kid possible." they said, "let's make a human being whose only career option is stand-up comedy." [ laughter ] and that's why i'm here. i was raised white. [ laughter ]
people wonder if it's hard to be a muslim in america. and it's actually pretty easy. just be white, you know. [ cheers and applause ] it truly -- it makes everything easy. it's like -- being white is like having a bicycle in a traffic jam of races, you know. like when you're white, you look around, everyone's like, "i'm stuck. i can't get where i want to go." and white people are like, "oh, you just go between. you know." [ laughter ] "just get where you're going." [ light laughter ] yeah, people are scared of islam, you know. i just want to say, like my parents are not terrorists, okay? they're emotionally invasive. you know, growing up i thought, they ruined my life, but it wasn't a global concern, you know. [ laughter ] if you're scared of islam, just
know that my parents are normal, homophobic people. [ laughter ] and that by the way, is not islam. that's just getting old. that's what happens. as the world changes, you become scared. of things like, i'm going to be ignorant. i just don't know how. it will be -- i'll be at the table with my family, just like, "listen, ain't no computer screwing my daughter. [ laughter ] i swear brandi, you bring home another robot." >> she's like, "dad, he's a.i., he's perfect for me." i'm like, "i don't care, where's my vape pen." [ laughter ] like get on my hoverboard and just leave. they're like old man weinberg. my grandma is more scared of technology than me. like she's scared of email. like when she sends -- she clicks send, and she's like, "where did it go?" [ light laughter ] she doesn't understand email.
she doesn't understand it. which is crazy, 'cause i understand email, 'cause i grew up with it. you know what i don't get is the regular mail. [ laughter ] the regular mail is crazy. every time i put a letter in a mailbox, my first thought is there's no way that works. [ laughter ] how do we trust that box next to the trash can? every time? i am scared of apps. i think they replace things in our lives. like tinder has replaced my heart. uber has replaced ambulances. yeah if you're in trouble, uber's way cheaper, just so you know. [ laughter ] but seriously, like there could be an app soon that replaces the cops. that will be the next big app. it will be called "help."
just spelled with a "y" somehow. [ laughter ] your house is getting robbed, you're like, "let's try 'hylp' dude, why not?" and that's scary 'cause that'll be me coming to save you. that'll be unemployed millennials like, trying to pay off their student debt. you buy a gun, you're like, "yeah, i'm on 'hylp' now. it's a -- [ laughter ] i get $8 every life i save, you know. plus tips, so." [ light laughter ] and your house is getting robbed, and you look at your phone, it's like, andrew with an ak-47 will be there. [ laughter ] in 23 minutes. you're like three stars? what is this? [ laughter ] and then andrew shows up late, he's like, "sorry, my uber driver's an idiot." [ laughter ] all right, that's it for me, thank you very much, guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: ahamed weinberg,
[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to kelly ripa, fred savage, ahamed weinberg, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] brad wilk, and of course the 8g band. stay tuned for "carson daly." see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ >> carson: hi, i'm carson daly. this is my television show, "last call," that's on conveniently in the middle of the night. thanks for being here, we've got