tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC October 26, 2017 11:34pm-12:38am PDT
grateful dead all set to play. set your clocks, tickets go on sale 10:00 a.m. tomorrow. click on the get your tickets tab. are we all? ? >> we're all going. >> it'll be between news casts. we'll have to sneak over and sneak back in. >> it's for a good cause. >> we'll figure on it out. >> how are we looking? >> 88, keep your eye on sunday, 76 by the following friday potential for some rainfall. >> thanks for joining us at 11:00. >> bye-bye see you tomorrow. >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- kelly ripa, jim jefferies, musical guest, cole swindell,
and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: -- yeah! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh! [ cheers and applause ] oh! oh! i feel the love! [ cheers and applause ] i feel the love! [ cheers and applause ] i feel the love on this side. [ cheers and applause ] i feel the love on this side. [ cheers and applause ] i feel the love in the middle right there, come on! [ cheers and applause ] welcome to "the tonight show,"
everybody. here's what people are talking about. i saw that president trump did an interview with lou dobbs on fox news last night. at one point, dobbs said trump is one of the most loved and respected presidents in history. [ laughter ] even trump was like, now, that's fake news. i mean, that can't be true. [ applause ] i don't want to -- during the interview, trump took a moment to compliment the show. well, kind of. check this out. >> you know, it's sort of interesting the way it comes out and you've been talking about the various people on your show, which i watch absolutely, almost all the time. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i -- i watch it almost all the -- almost every day, at least once a week, i've seen -- [ laughter ] i've seen part of your show, and who are you again? i'm sorry. i usually just watch "paw patrol." that's what i watch. [ laughter ] ♪ paw patrol paw patrol gotta be there on the double ♪
trump also discussed his proposed border wall. listen to what he said here. >> you think of a wall as a a wall. >> yeah. >> but honestly, you do need some see-through ability, because you don't know -- if it's pure concrete, which is a a wall, then you can't see who's on the other side. you know, you have a wall that's this thick and you can't see who's on the other side. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: that story again, he's building a window. yeah, it's been built, it's a a thing. [ cheers and applause ] i mean, go for it. build it, but it opens up and -- no way. you can -- [ laughter ] earlier this week, trump had a a lunch meeting with some senators about taxes, and his meal, this is true, his meal was just a bunch of rice and two pieces of cherry pie. [ laughter ] it sounds weird, but i guess he's really into it. he even posted this video for anyone else who wants to eat like him. check this out. >> okay, so you want to eat lunch like the president.
here we go. first, get a bunch of rice. then, add two giant pieces of cherry pie. don't worry. fruit is healthy. now, season it with a little sugar, and don't forget your vegetables. mmm, corn. now, as the french say, bone appetitty. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: as the french say? >> steve: that's what they say? >> jimmy: i've never been to france. [ cheers and applause ] i've never been to france. [ laughter ] in a new interview, joe biden was asked about running for president in 2020, and here's how he responded and this is a a real quote he said, "i haven't decided to run, but i've decided i'm not going to decide not to run." [ laughter ] pretty confusing. but he didn't stop there. he said, to clarify, i've decided that i'm not, not going to decide to not not decide to not run. [ laughter ] finally, he said, i've decided, deep inside, to side with my decision that it'd be fun to run, but one should not run just for fun, nor run for none. in conclusion, my bidenconda
won't run, son, unless he does run, hun. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] this is kind of crazy. i read that queen elizabeth has made nearly $9 million in winnings from her racehorses over the past 30 years. [ audience oohs ] she lost most of it betting on cock fights, but still, that's a lot of money to win on a a horse race. >> steve: that's a lot of money, yeah. [ applause ] >> jimmy: check this out. a japanese company created a a $150 noise canceling ramen fork to cover up slurping noises. [ laughter ] so if you've got 150 bucks to spend on forks, why are you eating ramen? i mean -- [ applause ] that's something you don't -- [ slurping ] guys, listen to this, i read that massachusetts may join the atlantic time zone and skip an hour ahead of the east coast. [ audience oohs ] while boston will keep its usual time zone, it's 5:00 somewhere. [ cheers and applause ]
hey, guys, we're in week eight of the nfl season and the big sunday night football match-up is between the pittsburgh steelers and the detroit lions. right here on nbc. [ cheers and applause ] big game. >> steve: big time. >> jimmy: now as you know, at the end of the season, they give out the most valuable player award, but they also give out other awards during the season. sort of like the ones in high school yearbooks, like most likely to succeed, class clown, stuff like that. so with that in mind, it's time for "tonight show superlatives." >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ tonight show superlatives ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: our first player is tyler matakevich. he's a linebacker for the steelers. he was voted most likely to be the love child of ed sheeran and a squashed pumpkin. [ laughter ] that's nice. [ cheers and applause ] next up for the steelers is juju smith-schuster. he was voted most likely to be the drunk pronunciation of, did you smash my rooster? juju smith-schuster?
[ applause ] juju smith-schuster? [ laughter ] juju smith-schuster? [ laughter ] next up for the steelers is james conner. he was voted most likely to be what drake looks like through a a peephole. [ applause ] up next is lions defensive end anthony zettel. he was voted most likely to give it 110% when playing football and 50% when smiling. >> steve: wow! [ applause ] >> jimmy: here's lions offensive tackle emmett cleary. he was voted most likely to be jesus's cousin dave christ. >> steve: whoa! >> jimmy: how you doing, man? what's up? [ applause ] how you doing, man? dave. how's it going? is that water? oh, now it's malt liquor. there you go, it's st. ides now. [ laughter ] next up for the steelers is kameron canaday.
he was voted most likely to be elon musk on the cw. [ applause ] here's lions linebacker nick bellore. he was voted, least shoulders. oh. [ laughter and applause ] that's a rare, rare award. they -- they never give that out. >> steve: never give that out. >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] up next for the steelers is david decastro. he was voted most likely to be the love child of steven seagal and joey fatone. [ applause ] and finally, for the steelers, it's matt feiler. he was voted most likely to store food in his cheeks for the winter. there you go, we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ artificially flavored i never made it so fascinated ♪ ♪ please don't change it got modified original do you hear me lady ♪ ♪ you're beautiful just be you you don't gotta try ♪ ♪ just do
cause doing too much might change ♪ ♪ my view of you so let it grow organic cause it's automatic and true ♪ ♪ you don't gotta try just do you don't have nothing to prove ♪ ♪ it's what you do so let it grow organic cause it's automatically you ♪ ♪ >> steve: oh! >> jimmy: that is nice. that is musician and producer stokley of mint condition sitting in with the roots tonight! [ cheers and applause ] his debut album, "introducing stokley," is out now. thank you so much for being with us tonight. >> thanks for having me. >> jimmy: this is going to be fun. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a fun show tonight. oh, we love her so much. from "live with kelly and ryan", kelly ripa is stopping by tonight. >> steve: oh! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how much do you love kelly ripa? >> steve: come on! she's the best. >> jimmy: we love her.
i love her. also joining us tonight, he's one of the funniest dudes out there, he hosts "the jim jefferies show" on comedy central, the hilarious jim jefferies is here tonight. >> steve: oh! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: from australia. and he's a funny dude. amazing. amazing guy. and we have great music tonight. cole swindell! >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: if you like great country music, you should be here. cole swindell, oh he's fantastic. guys, guys, sometimes it feels like there's nothing but bad news out there, am i right? well, we here at "the tonight show" we decided to do something about that. so we asked real local nbc news anchors from all around the country to read stories that we wish were true, stories that make us feel happy. [ laughter ] i'll show you what i mean in tonight's installment of, "i've got good news and good news." ♪ i've got good news i've got good news i've got good news ♪ >> breaking news from washington, the white house reporting tonight, the president has forgotten has twitter password. [ laughter and applause ]
>> breaking news, a good samaritan just found your wallet and guess what? there's even more money in it now. and the samaritan is hot. and they want to know what your deal is. >> in tech news, it is now illegal for anyone to loop you into an e-mail chain. anyone caught looping you in will be immediately banned from sending e-mails ever again. i'm talking to you, rick. >> trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat. if you don't, i don't care, i'll pull down your underwear. more at 11:00. [ laughter ] >> in entertainment news, benedict cumberbatch and engelbert humperdinck have decided to combine their names. i would say that name but, it's too spicy for television. >> a new study finds that every time i blink, a dude's voice says, nice. >> nice. nice. nice. oh, yeah. >> bed bath and beyond has announced that they are merging with skippy peanut butter because that would be funny. [ laughter ]
>> and finally tonight, do you guys ever look up at the night sky and think, "what does it all mean?" me too, bro. me too. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: didn't that make you feel good? [ cheers and applause ] well, stick around. we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show," everybody. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ t-mobile family plans now come with netflix included. that's huge. that's right. t-mobile's got your netflix subscription covered. [ explosion noises ] so go ahead and watch however you want. really? that's incredible. all at no extra charge. this is awesome ! another reason why t-mobile is america's best unlimited network.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, thank you very much. welcome back, everybody! it is time for "tonight show" hashtags. here we go. ♪ ♪ hashtags hashtags ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: now, we do this thing every wednesday where i send out a hashtag, and we ask you guys to respond to that topic. so, since halloween is coming up, and lots of people like to dress up their pets, i sent out
a hashtag called #doghalloweencostumes. i asked you guys to send us pictures of your dogs wearing funny halloween costumes. within 30 minutes, it was a a trending topic in the u.s., so thank you for sending those. [ cheers and applause ] they're pretty good. >> steve: got some good ones? >> jimmy: now, i thought i'd share some of my favorite dog halloween costumes from you guys. here we go. this first one's from @pelin3356. her dog costume is, pawlice officer. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: pawlice. >> jimmy: that's pretty cute. yeah, pawlice officer. >> steve: at least it wasn't paw lice. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: this one's from @andresgs12 his dog's costume is puppywise. ooh. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] he's in like a little sewer. i mean, come on. >> steve: dogs love it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this one's from, @xraytech88. assuming they are an x-ray
technician. >> steve: 87, yeah. there's 87 of them before him. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: no, i think maybe 1988, maybe they started? >> steve: on twitter? i don't think twitter was around in '88. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: but x-ray technology was. >> steve: i guess you're right. x-ray technology, perhaps it's marie curie. [ laughter ] this one's from @xraytech88. her dog's costume is pawnald trump. look at that comb over there. yeah, there you go. just got to comb it. that's an easy costume. >> steve: yeah, that's easy. just a comb over, and you're done. >> jimmy: i've got enormous paws. yeah. [ laughter ] this next guy is my jam. this is from @brussellssprout, and his costume is sproutie the grouch. look at this. [ applause ] oh my gosh. look at that dude. it's a good -- >> steve: scram. >> jimmy: sproutie the grouch. this one's from @3chisue. her dog costume is jimmy ruffett. well, there you go, yeah. party dog.
[ cheers and applause ] >> steve: like spuds mckenzie [ applause ] >> jimmy: this one's from @bschout509. her dog's costume is pughetti and meatballs. aww. [ laughter and applause ] spaghetti and meatballs. >> steve: oh, there's a -- >> jimmy: forget about it. yeah, yeah, yeah. this one's from @tracedthurmon. >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: traced. traced. >> steve: traced? >> jimmy: traced. >> steve: traced, like tracing a piece of paper, like you trace this? >> jimmy: like just like thurman was traced by the -- >> steve: like, maybe on the phone? like a traced phone call? or trace as in traced paper. >> jimmy: hold on. [ phone ringing ] hello? oh, sorry. hello? hello? >> steve: hello, yes? >> jimmy: oh, hi. did i call you? >> steve: yeah, you just called me. >> jimmy: oh, i just -- is this thurman? >> steve: yeah, it is. >> jimmy: oh, cool. i'll call you right back. >> steve: okay. [ phone ringing ]
>> jimmy: hello. >> steve: denver police department. >> jimmy: yeah, did you trace the call. >> steve: yes, i did. it's coming from inside the house. >> jimmy: no! [ cheers and applause ] coming from inside the house. >> steve: so thurman was -- >> jimmy: oh, my wife's name is thurman, i apologize officer. >> steve: yeah, he's not theremin. >> jimmy: no. @tracedthurman. his dog's costume is furry kreuger. [ applause ] he licks you in your sleep, and this last one is a mind bender. this is one of my favorite costumes. this is from @dearmanali. her dog's costume is toto as dorothy. that's meta. [ applause ] there you have it. those are our "tonight show" hashtags. to check out more of our favorites, go to tonightshow.com/hashtags. we'll be right back with kelly ripa, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is the emmy-winning co-host of the very popular daytime talk show, "live with kelly and ryan." ladies and gentlemen, please welcome kelly ripa! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: please welcome -- >> so nice. >> jimmy: the one and only, oh my gosh. >> hi. >> jimmy: thank you so much for coming back. >> i love coming here. >> jimmy: you know, they obviously love you -- but i love you as well. >> aw. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: who doesn't love you?
>> thank you. you guys -- you guys are so adorable when the lights are on. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they are. >> they're adorable. yeah. nice. >> jimmy: they're dancing and having fun. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i had so much fun on your show. >> oh, thank you. >> jimmy: i just came on the show last week or two weeks ago. >> can i tell you what you did for us? you gave our show something that we've never -- nobody, like, brings us anything. i don't know if you know this, everybody here, but jimmy fallon has taken to pickling. did your audience know this about you? >> jimmy: it's sweeping the nation. >> okay. >> jimmy: everybody knows that i make my own pickles now. >> ok but -- [ laughter ] he brought us pickles. and we were backstage and ryan seacrest says, "you know, we should eat them." and i was like, "we cannot eat them. because this is archival material. this is going on the shelf next to the emmy, because --" [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: because we didn't get to -- >> we now have a emmy and a a pickle jar. >> jimmy: well, here's what's funny because i was watching the show the other day.
i remember i gave you the pickles. we never got into opening or eating the pickles. i assumed after you just ate it. and i was just watching the other day. and blake lively was on. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and if you just look in the background, use your eye there. >> i don't even see blake lively. i see pickles. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i see pickles. you see blake lively. >> jimmy: this is the new m. night shyamalan movie. i see pickles. >> i see pickles. >> jimmy: i see pickles. >> and you have no idea. those pickles gave us such life. i mean, we decorated for halloween. and they decorated around the pickles. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's just ridiculous. it is so ridiculous. >> there's like a ghost behind the pickles. >> jimmy: i love that it's there. i'm very proud of these. there's a jalapeno in there. it's a very spicy pickle. >> listen, i'm sure they're delicious. but they're not getting opened. i mean -- >> jimmy: they're vacuum sealed. >> michelle obama brought us honey from the white house. and somebody opened that and we were like, dead. we will figure it out.
>> jimmy: yeah. don't you ever. >> you opened white house honey. this is precious. >> jimmy: yes. >> this is michelle obama honey, you maniac, you savages. [ light laughter ] so now we have -- >> jimmy: maniacs and savages. >> we have a security guard. i'm like, "you keep your eye on the pickles." >> jimmy: somebody is going to eat those pickles. >> i don't care if somebody comes in here with a knife and comes after me, you save the pickles first. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's the first thing you do. >> we have people, like, we'll have people with, like, the class tours that come in and take the studio tours. >> jimmy: yeah, of course. >> and all they talk about -- usually, they don't care about our show. they want to see the weather wall, you know, where the weather guys do the weather. >> jimmy: the screen, the green screen. >> and now they take them into the studio and they go, "those are jimmy fallon's pickles." [ laughter and applause ] it's hilarious. >> jimmy: yes. >> it's giving us life. >> jimmy: yes! i've done it! i'm so happy. i'm so happy. thank you. >> we would have manufactured t-shirts that say, home of the jimmy fallon pickle. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they really are. but i mean, i saw another interview too. and it was in the background. it really made me laugh.
>> i mean, you have no idea. it gives us life. >> jimmy: that made me laugh. >> we almost -- it's almost like a sports team. like we come out and touch the pickles for luck. >> jimmy: just for luck. like at the apollo, the stone. >> yeah, yeah. the pickles -- >> jimmy: how is mark? how's your husband, mark consuelos, is on "riverdale." >> "riverdale" -- >> jimmy: and he's getting -- [ cheers and applause ] >> yes. >> jimmy: knockout punches. it's the best! hiram lodge, dude -- it is awesome. i'm so into "riverdale." i'm freaking out. >> he's living his best life. like he is in vancouver -- >> jimmy: oh the couve. >> he's never looked better. [ cheers ] yes. canadian -- oh, look. you put your canadians up north too. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, they just got bad seats, that's all. they just got bad seats. >> our canadians are always like -- i'm like, any canadians and up top. that's so funny. that's so funny. >> jimmy: they're all mounties. yeah. >> but he is having the best time ever. >> jimmy: he's crushing it. and he's awesome. i love it. >> the greatest thing -- i wish you could watch -- i wish you
could watch "riverdale" with my 16-year-old daughter, who's finally like, "i cannot believe dad is only a show that i actually watch." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: by the way, i like the vocal fry at the end. >> well, because when i watch you do ew -- >> jimmy: yeah, ew. >> i believe that ew -- i believe that you are hanging out with my daughter and her friends when you came up with this character. and i just never knew it was happening. >> jimmy: ew! >> that is who they are. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but they're new yorkers. so it's more like ech. >> jimmy: ech. >> ech. >> jimmy: ew. >> but she watches "riverdale," and she's -- and, like, you know how -- so, veronica drinks -- she's 16 also. and she drinks mimosas at breakfast. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and my daughter's like, "dad never lets me drink mimosas at breakfast." and i go, "yeah, cause he's a a real father. and that's a character on tv." >> jimmy: he's acting. he's acting in the show. "dad would never let me do that." >> "dad would never let my
boyfriend drink alcohol." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you just made her mad on the way over here. because you threw a throwback thursday photo on -- >> i did. it's so bizarre. i never -- i'm never allowed to post a photo of her ever. >> jimmy: that's not fair. >> exactly. why did i have these kids if not to exploit them on social media? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's great, buddy. >> and then i was like, "you know what? she can't get mad at an 8-year-old photo. it's a halloween throwback thursday -- >> jimmy: it's throwback halloween photo. >> i'm in the elevator coming up here and i get -- the phone rings. and i see it says, lola. and i was like debating. i was like, "maybe i shouldn't answer it. but what if it's an emergency?" she was like, "you take it down right now! [ laughter ] [ inaudible ] my friends follow you for some reason. and they will see that." >> jimmy: "i'm having a mimosa right now." [ laughter ]
>> so i was like, "you know what i'll do?" >> jimmy: i'm having -- >> i was like, "do you know what? i will take it down. i'll take it down for you." and that was the end of the discussion. she didn't say, "where are you going? what are you doing?" she didn't say a word. >> jimmy: take it down from there. >> i was like, "i will take it down from instagram. >> jimmy: and i'll put it up here. >> right there. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i love you. >> i love you so much. >> jimmy: we love you. we love you. you know we love you. we're just playing. more with kelly ripa when we come back, everybody. we love you! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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>> jimmy: welcome back. we are hanging out with kelly ripa, ladies and gentlemen, right there. [ cheers and applause ] >> hi. >> jimmy: we love you. you know what i love, there's many episodes i enjoy from your show. but this is the thing that i love about your show. the halloween episode. >> oh, it's our favorite. it's our favorite. >> jimmy: "kelly and ryan." now this is ryan seacrest -- >> i think many of you must sleep through that one. >> jimmy: no, no. no, no, no, well i mean trivia's always good. i love that part too, but the halloween episode is a a must-see, must-see tv -- >> it's our favorite. >> jimmy: because you guys go for it, and it's always great. i don't think i could do a a costume on this show. >> well, it's very funny. as i watch this show, nightly, i always realize, like, our halloween show is like your show every day. like, it's the only show we've produced, and we, like, we rehearsed, and we do bits, and we write things, and we have costumes. >> jimmy: you don't do that for your other shows.
>> no, we just sort of go out there, and we read the newspaper, and talk to each other, and then we interview guests. i mean like, listen, right now, all of my producers are like, what do you think i do? they're like -- >> jimmy: no, no, they know. >> they're like, oh do you think you come up with those questions on your own? >> jimmy: genius? yeah, exactly. i know what you mean. >> but honestly -- we have produced -- >> jimmy: but this is a thing. >> but this is like a thing with bits, and routines, and dance routines, and -- >> jimmy: and does ryan know when he signed on for this gig that he has to dress up. >> what's so funny is -- so i was not privy to any of ryan's contract negotiations except for one part. i go, you told them he's going to have to wear a dress, and a a wig, right, on halloween? did you tell him that? >> jimmy: yeah, because that's part of the deal. >> that's a deal breaker. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is he dressing up? >> not only has he dressed up, like, because we've shot a a bunch of the bits. he is gorgeous as a woman. like -- [ laughter and applause ] i was like, i'm not kidding, because a lot of times, when guys are handsome, they don't
make pretty women. like they don't look so great when you put a wig, and a dress on them. he is gorgeous. like, i felt so bad about myself. [ laughter ] i was like, this is -- is this what working with a kardashian does? it intuitively makes you prettier as a woman? >> jimmy: gorgeous? yeah. >> because he is gorgeous. >> jimmy: can you give us hints on anything that you're going to do? because i don't want to spoil anything. >> so we do -- like, we're doing a lot of popular, like, pop culture moments, but we have a weird twist on everything, so we do something with "the handmaid's tale." but it's got the most bizarre twist you'll ever think about. >> jimmy: okay. >> we do "game of thrones," but it's bizzarre -- it's bizarro "game of thrones." so everything has like a weird double meaning, and a weird double purpose, if that makes sense. >> jimmy: it does make sense. all right, good. i want to see -- i always look forward to seeing it because you just go for it. i love you as a person, as a a host. >> i love you too. >> jimmy: i just always come by the show. please, please, please. [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm really great. >> jimmy: thank you so much.
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you get a companion ticketes visaevery year.card so why not take...me? i mean i always spell your name right. seriously, take me, i can't listen to this playlist any longer. i'm thinking mexico, and i'm a quick packer. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is an internationally renowned
stand-up comic as well as the host of "the jim jefferies show," which airs tuesday nights at 10:30 on comedy central. say hello to a very funny man. here is jim jefferies, ladies and gentlemen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: jim jefferies! you are a very, very funny man. >> thank you. >> jimmy: welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me. >> jimmy: thank you for being here. you now -- you're from australia. and now you live in los angeles. you have a 4-year-old son? >> he about to turn five. yeah, he's four -- he's four now. he's about to turn five. >> jimmy: yeah, okay. good, yeah. >> that's how it works. >> jimmy: yeah, that's how it -- [ light laughter ] >> if he was about to turn seven. you go, "that's a weird kid." >> jimmy: he's turning -- yeah, so anyways. is he psyched for halloween? >> he is psyched for halloween. i mean, i used to hate halloween as an australian. because we didn't celebrate halloween. the most experience i had with halloween was watching like the simpsons cartoons. >> jimmy: yeah.
[ light laughter ] >> and i would always just think, "ah, stupid americans, getting dressed up." and then i went to a halloween party like seven years ago. and i saw how all the women were dressed. and i was like, "halloween's all right." [ laughter ] i'm all right with halloween. every year i do a different outfit. and like -- like two years ago, i went as, like, a storm trooper. don't do that. uncomfortable outfit -- no good. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, very stiff. >> yeah, very stiff. then i went as oscar the grouch, which is just oscar the grouch and then a big bin, like a skirt. >> jimmy: yeah. >> beautiful outfit. very airy. right? [ laughter ] so now i'm at that stage with your kid where i got to go to the pumpkin patch. i don't agree with the pumpkin patch. just go to a supermarket and buy your pumpkin. you don't have to go to a a special pumpkin place. like imagine if we did that with every other vegetable, how hard salads would be. but people do it. people do it. because it's a good color palette to take your child and get it photographed next to a a pumpkin. people like the orange next to the child. it's more for the parent. [ light laughter ] it's for the parent to take a a good photo. and the good thing is, if you have a really ugly kid, it will always look good next to a a pumpkin. [ cheers and applause ]
right? >> jimmy: um, sure, i guess so. >> unless you've got like a a really ugly kid and then someone takes it as a pumpkin. and then your -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so you don't support the pumpkin patch? no. >> what is this, you go pumpkin -- there might be a a little bit of a hay ride or something. it's boring for me. >> jimmy: how about like, any other -- thanksgiving? >> i don't. i've been trying to do thanksgiving. my ex is canadian, so we have an american child, so we try to all get together for thanksgiving. but we really don't know what we're doing. and so i just sort of give him some turkey. and i'm like, "are you enjoying yourself, mate?" [ laughter ] there's some turkey. there's some cranberries. >> jimmy: are you enjoying yourself, mate? yeah. [ light laughter ] >> well that's a -- i think it's -- i think it's stupid, thanksgiving. i'm on board with halloween. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i think thanksgiving is stupid. i don't understand the people who get very excited by it. you always meet someone who's like, "dude, i love thanksgiving, man. thanksgiving's my favorite." >> jimmy: yeah, they know. [ cheers and applause ] >> why? what's going on? every time i ask you, they go, "this is what we do, man. this is what we do. we get together and we eat, and
eat, and eat, and eat." but i'm like, "how is this different from any other american day?" [ laughter ] and they go, "oh, we watch football as well." oh, that's a big game changer. [ laughter ] you eat and you watch football. let's all take the day off work. [ laughter ] but you always get -- >> jimmy: you get things, you have the cranberries, you have stuffing -- >> the stuffing. the stuffing does my head in. don't even bring stuffing up. 'cause everyone's got like a a grandmother or a mother. and they're like, "dude, my mother makes this stuffing. and it is literally my favorite thing in the world. and she only makes it one day a a year." and i'm like, "is your mother an asshole?" [ laughter ] you just said -- you just said it's your favorite thing in the world. favorite thing in the world. why isn't every tuesday stuffing day? [ laughter ] well, no, taco's already got the market on tuesdays. so, make it wednesdays. stuffing -- >> jimmy: taco tuesday. >> why is -- why is she holding out? does it take a long time? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: no, she's just being cruel. just being cruel.
are you enjoying the show? congratulations. >> well, i'm -- >> jimmy: "the jim jefferies show." [ cheers and applause ] your name's in the title. but it's fun. i mean, so what do you do there? >> you've got cue cards, see? >> jimmy: yes. >> they put cue cards up for you. just so occasionally i have to go his name is jim jefferies so you can remember. >> jimmy: that's correct. [ light laughter ] >> occasionally you look over and go, that's my guest. you know kelly ripa. >> jimmy: yes. >> and let's be honest. we all knew that ryan seacrest would look good in a dress. that was no surprise. [ laughter and applause ] i love the way you played along. like, really? like it was ed o'neill, like really ryan seacrest? >> jimmy: ed o'neill. >> good looking in a dress. >> jimmy: ed o'neill impressions? >> no i'm not doing it. i'm just saying that, you know -- anyway -- >> jimmy: we have cue cards. yeah. >> you have cue cards, i have to read from an auto cue or a a teleprompter, or whatever they call it. and what i found out through doing the show is, i can do funny and all this other stuff, but i'm doing more of a news show. and i found out that i can't read. [ light laughter ]
and that's -- that's an upsetting thing. >> jimmy: that's tough, yeah. >> and so it takes me -- like 20 takes sometimes. i was -- i did a whole piece on fentanyl last night. and i couldn't say the word, "fentanyl." and it took me 20 takes. and i'm telling you -- >> jimmy: how long is the show? >> 20 minutes. once i did a show in 25 minutes. taped the whole thing -- and like yesterday's -- or tuesday's show, took like two hours. it was the like the worst thing ever. but i'm telling you that's why john oliver wins emmys. is 'cause he's the best reader. [ laughter ] i'm serious, it is. it's just about -- and you can tell -- you can tell he's smarter than me, because he has glasses and stuff, right? >> jimmy: yeah. >> like when you watch john oliver, you're like, that guy really understands what he's talking about. when you watch my show, you go, that guy's learning to read. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, no. [ applause ] you do things, though. 'cause you go -- you go on tour all over the world, you went to the u.k., for instance, and -- >> yeah, yeah, well, that's the thing. is i wanted to do like -- we had some field pieces for the show. 'cause i do all me all -- my own fill pieces.
and i wanted to do, like a a ride-along with some police in britain, 'cause it's funny, 'cause they don't have guns. they're really just guys in cars with sticks. [ laughter ] just riding around the suburbs like, stop it, i've got a a stick. [ laughter ] you know, i've got a bit of pepper spray, so don't kick off, because i'll pepper and stick you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'll poke ya, i'll poke ya. >> and then like some of the elite cops in britain have, like, tasers. but they're like, oh, they brought in the tasers. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: hold on, let me -- let me charge it up. >> every cop in britain has less weapons than a standard person walking the streets in america. right? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, that is true. >> so i just -- i just tweeted out, "does anyone know any cops?" and the like, some cops in birmingham -- they were just like, "okay, you can come out here." and that's actually a really good birmingham accent, but none of you all know. birmingham accent is the worst accent in the world. the most famous person from birmingham is ozzie osbourne. and you think his voice is drug affected. it's just from birmingham. [ laughter ] so we went out -- >> jimmy: that's the actual accent, yeah. >> and we road
around with the cops. >> jimmy: i want to show a clip because it -- it went viral on the internet. but here's jim jefferies doing a ride-along with the police in birmingham -- birmingham, england. [ sirens ] >> they've got the siren on now. this is very exciting. i didn't think i get a little rough for blood. as soon as your setting it up -- how fast are we going? 60. oh, it felt faster. [ light laughter ] great. so, where are we going to now exactly? >> there's a guy who is running down the road throwing drugs. to stop his car. >> he's throwing drugs around? >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> where would he throw these drugs? where would they be? [ laughter ] you should confiscate those. so where did he dump those drugs? i can help you with those, if you want to find those. >> jimmy: let's get down to the real questions. our thanks to jim jefferies, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] "the jim jefferies show" airs tuesday nights at 10:30 on comedy central. cole swindell performs after the break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he is a platinum selling singer and songwriter who is the only solo artist in the history of country music to hit number one with his first seven singles. wow. [ cheers and applause ] that's awesome. performing his new song, "stay downtown," please welcome cole swindell! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
♪ i feel my phone buzzing ain't even gotta look down i know it's you that's calling ♪ ♪ a couple drinks in by now so i say hello you say hey babe ♪ ♪ say you're 'bout to catch a cab over to my place see you in five but baby this time ♪ ♪ stay downtown keep moving your heels on the floor ♪ ♪ let the bartender pour you up another round tip the cover band find another hand ♪ ♪ to dance and call him your rebound another late night love another last call crush ♪ ♪ with the neon shining down girl this time around stay downtown ♪ ♪ ain't gonna lie
if you knock on my door i'm gonna let you walk in ♪ ♪ let you leave drunk lipstick marks like tattoos on my skin ♪ ♪ but you know in the morning we're gonna regret everything we did ♪ ♪ so why even start what ain't good for our hearts ♪ stay downtown ♪ ♪ stay downtown keep moving your heels on the floor ♪ ♪ let the bartender pour you up another round tip the cover band find another hand ♪ ♪ to dance and call him your rebound another late night love another last call crush ♪ ♪ with the neon shining down girl this time around stay downtown ♪ ♪
♪ keep sipping your drink keep spinning the room keep chasing the night like you always do ♪ ♪ keep letting the good times play don't let me get in your way ♪ ♪ stay downtown keep moving your heels on the floor ♪ ♪ let the bartender pour you up another round tip the cover band find another hand ♪ ♪ to dance and call him your rebound another late night love another last call crush ♪ ♪ with the neon shining down girl this time around stay downtown stay downtown ♪ ♪ yeah this time around baby stay downtown ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh! come on. i love it, man. thank you so much for being here. cole swindell! [ cheers and applause ] that's how you do it right there! "you should be here" is out now. my thanks to kelly ripa, jim jefferies, cole swindell! [ cheers and applause ] stokley! [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right there from philadelphia. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- liev schreiber, from "a bad mom's christmas", actress cheryl hines, from "saturday night live", comedian mikey day, featuring the 8g band with sonny emory. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that's good. fantastic to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. fox news host lou dobbs interviewed president trump last night and told trump he is quote, "one of the most loved and respected presidents in history." [ light laughter ] i don't know about that, but he
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