[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- john kerry, from "celebrity autobiography," actress and comedian rachel dratch, comedian daniel simonsen, featuring the 8g band with fred armisen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that is fantastic to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. president trump participated in the turkey pardoning ceremony today.

said an aide, "that's mitch mcconnell." [ laughter and applause ] during the turkey pardon ceremony today, president trump mentioned the people impacted by the recent california wildfires and said, quote, "i just came back. i've never seen anything like it. probably nobody has." [ light laughter ] probably nobody has? there were people there when got there, right? [ laughter ] even the turkeys were like, "this dude has a walnut brain." [ laughter ] according to a new report, more than 54 million americans will travel 50 miles or more this thanksgiving. and that doesn't include the half mile walk to get stoned before dinner. [ laughter ] "i left something in the car. i'll be right back." [ laughter ] the cdc today released a statement warning people not to eat romaine lettuce over concerns of e. coli contamination. "what's that," said trump about lettuce and the cdc and e. coli.

[ laughter and applause ] according to "the washington post," ivanka trump frequently used her personal e-mail for official white house business which was a closely held secret within the administration. not as closely held, don jr. as a child. [ laughter and applause ] "i know -- i know it's somebody." a large scale lego model of the white house was unveiled yesterday for the holidays that includes between 100,000 and 115,000 lego pieces. or as trump put it, "1.5 million lego pieces. [ laughter and applause ] the most lego pieces they've ever had." general mills has announced plans to license the tv and film rights of its cereal box characters. so get ready for a weird reboot of "twilight." [ laughter ]

jack daniels has announced it will start selling coffee beans that taste like whiskey. they're calling it "breath of a salesman." [ laughter and applause ] the trailer -- the trailer for the sequel to "the lego movie" was released today. "the lego movie" is a horror film about a parent who tries to get a glass of water in the middle of the night. [ laughter ] and finally, doctors in the u.k. are having their medical backgrounds checked after it was discovered that a fake psychiatrist with no qualification had been practicing for over 22 years. or they could just do what we do here and give them a tv show. [ laughter and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a fantastic show for you tonight. he is the former senator of massachusetts and secretary of state. his memoir "every day is extra" is available now. john kerry is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] she is a hilarious comedian and actress who you can see on select dates in "celebrity autobiography" at the

marquis theatre here in new york. our friend rachel dratch is back on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and we will have stand-up from a very funny comedian. daniel simonsen is here so you -- [ cheers and applause ] -- are with us on a great night. but before we get to that, you know, i am in my 40s, married. i have two kids. but nothing makes me older than when i realize i no longer know the slang terms teenagers are using. and it seems like these days teen slang terms are evolving so fast that it's impossible to keep up. and since many of you are about to be forced to talk to your teenage cousins on thanksgiving, we here at "late night" decided to give you a little primer on new teen slang terms in a segment we call "seth explains teen slang: thanksgiving edition. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] [ turkey gobbles ] >> seth: our first new teen slang term is "yams and marshmallows." let's see the definition. two people who should not be together but somehow make it work. [ laughter ] here it is in a sentence. dan's a human rights lawyer. and julie's a kleptomaniac.

but ever since they got together, they can't keep their hands off each other. those two are yams and marshmallows. [ laughter ] up next we have "mayflower." let's see the definition. this is a car which you use to escape the persecution of your parents. [ laughter ] for example, dad asked me why i haven't picked a major yet, so i grabbed the keys to his '76 plymouth and took that mayflower down to the local bar. [ laughter ] moving on, we have "auntifa." let's see the definition. this is your dad's overly-aggressive liberal sister. [ laughter ] let's see it in a sentence. i agree with aunt betty's passionate argument about climate change. but i had to draw the line when that auntifa went outside and chucked a rock through my dad's car window. [ laughter and applause ] next up, it's "gravy crockett." this is a thanksgiving host who only serves what he catches and kills himself. [ laughter ] for example, we're going to uncle gary's cabin again this year. so it looks like we're having thanksgiving possum #gravycrockett. [ light laughter ]

our next new teen slang term is "blowvember." this is when the only way you can get through thanksgiving is with a ton of cocaine. [ laughter and applause ] here it is in a sentence. cousin greg hasn't eaten a single bite. and he's left the table 15 times to use the restroom. that boy's having a happy blowvember. [ laughter and applause ] moving on. we have "decorative gourd." this is a creepy guy who is always sitting on your front porch. [ light laughter ] here it is in a sentence. i would call the cops on that weird dude in the trench coat who's always parked outside my front door. but that decorative gourd sort of ties the place together. [ light laughter ] this next one's really blowing up with the teens. it's "triptophantom." let's see the definition. this is when you're visited in your dreams by the ghost of the turkey you ate for dinner. [ light laughter ] here it is in a sentence. i've never been vegan. but last night i dreamed that a headless bird waddled up to me and said, "gobble, gobble, hell is awful. [ light laughter ] #triptophantom.

moving on. [ applause ] you guys -- you guys know the actor jude law. well, he is really big with teens these days. and he's even inspired a brand new slang term. it's "judeslaw." this is coleslaw that's a little older but still looks fantastic. [ laughter ] for example, i'm pretty sure dad made this for the fourth of july barbecue. but it's looking as fresh and crisp as ever. so let's put that judeslaw out for thanksgiving. [ light laughter ] next up we have "foxsnooze." this is a post-meal nap where one blurts conservative talking points in their sleep. [ laughter ] here it is in a sentence. grandpa dosed off on the couch. but every five minutes, he'd mumble "lock her up." #foxsnooze. [ laughter and applause ] our last new thanksgiving teen slang term is "yam bam thank you man." this is when you fill your thanksgiving plate and then go eat in the tv room alone. [ laughter ] here it is in a sentence. didn't want to deal with all this family drama this year so i just stacked my plate with

10,000 calories and headed for the basement. #yambamthankyouman. [ laughter ] that was "seth explains teen slang." we will be right back with more "late night," everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ save on hundreds of deals.get. deals on tv's! deals on toys! deals on xbox and more!

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very real instances of voter suppression during the midterm elections have been plaguing minority communities across the country. for more this is "the check in." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] a good place to start with voter suppression is georgia which was one of the most closely watched elections. a race between democrat stacey abrams, who is vying to become the first african-american female governor of georgia, and brian kemp, a guy who thought this was a good campaign ad. >> i'm brian kemp. i'm so conservative -- [ explosion ] i blowup government spending. i own guns that no one's taking away. my chain saw is ready to rip up some regulations. [ chain saw revs ] i got a big truck just in case i need to round up criminal illegals and take them home myself. yep, i just said that. i'm brian kemp if you want a politically incorrect conservative, that's me. >> seth: wow. i mean, a pick up truck, guns,

explosives, and a chain saw. you're like the cousin my mom wouldn't let me visit. [ laughter ] the tag line should have been, "i'm brian kemp, but if you put me in the governor's mansion, i will get noise complaints." [ laughter ] you know, being an east coast liberal elite, there are times i worry that i have an unfair view of republicans from the south. then seen a campaign ad like that and think, "oh, i was maybe too fair." [ laughter and applause ] now after a hard-fought battle, kemp won in election marred by claims of voter suppression, including kemp's attempts to enforce laws that would disenfranchise african american voters. and when it came to election day, that suppression was more successful than even kemp expected. >> brian kemp and his family arrived a little after two a little after 2:00 in winterville, georgia to cast their vote in the mid-term elections, but during the process kemp had a problem. >> it says that this is an invalid card. >> turns out his voting card was invalid. >> brian kemp made voting so

hard, he suppressed himself. [ laughter ] i mean, his id was invalid. so, how do we even know he is a citizen. oh, my god, he's going to have to round himself up with his own truck. [ laughter and applause ] but it wasn't just georgia. there were voter suppression efforts in north dakota as well where republican kevin cramer beat incumbent democrat senator heidi heitkamp. now, heitkamp got overwhelming support from native american voters when she won in 2012. so, shortly after that, republicans passed a voter id law meant to sabotage the native american vote, which was in full effect in these elections. >> the law didn't create an id card, but instead listed information that needs to appear on a person's identification so they could vote. the name, a residential address, and date of birth must all appear on the card. pretty standard right? but here's the thing. for north dakota's native who live on one of the five tribal reservations, there are few if any residential addresses. most people there use post office boxes which can't be used as resident address according to

this new bill. >> heidi heitkamp won her first election to the senate by 3,000 votes. >> right. >> she got 80% support from native americans there. now you have a voter id law that could disenfranchise 5,000 native american voters. >> seth: 5,000 voters might not sound like a huge number, but remember, this is north dakota. their state motto is, "hello? can anybody hear me?" [ laughter and applause ] now, native americans in north dakota still came out in record numbers, despite the gop's best efforts to suppress their vote. but native american communities have also faced issues in states like south dakota where simple appeals for a polling place were ignored, causing some to give up. >> in south dakota, for example, recently the crow creek reservation requested a polling location for it's 2,200 people that live there. the county denied that request and instead gave the polling location to a town of about eight people. >> seth: how is it so hard to get a polling place in south dakota? you got plenty of room. they got so much room in

south dakota, bed, bath and beyond is three separate stores. [ laughter ] so republicans have proven that they have audacity and many instances the powers to try to stop certain groups from participating in the fundamental practice of our democracy. we talk a lot about russians interfering in our elections, and rightly so, but we shouldn't forget there are plenty of americans willing to do the same thing. this has been "the check in." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with john kerry, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ bum-bum-bum-bum-bum t-mobile believes it's better to give than to receive. some may disagree. (scream) no! others won't believe it. no! no! and some just won't have the words. (laugh) join t-mobile and get the samsung galaxy s9 free. we look forward to your reactions.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, so happy this week to have our friend. fred armisen back on drums, everybody. give it up for fred. and -- [ cheers and applause ] >> fred: thanks. >> seth: fred, we were talking backstage earlier tonight. and you were saying how busy

you've been. you've been out doing other projects. you're constantly working. and you were lamenting that what that cost you is you do not have the time to read fiction, which is one of your great loves. >> fred: i don't. i'm just too busy. >> seth: but you also told me that you have developed a process wherein you can look at the cover of a book and know everything about it. >> fred: that's all i need. yeah. >> seth: the entire plot, all of the characters. >> fred: it's all there. >> seth: everything. >> fred: everything. >> seth: everything about the narrative you can guess. >> fred: yes. >> seth: so, i'd love to try this one more time. >> fred: sure. >> seth: all right, let's do once again, a segment called, "fred judges a book by its cover." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: here we go freddie. this is, "uncompromising honor" by david weber. fred, take a look at this cover and tell us what is this about. >> fred: right, so this is by david weber. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> fred: and, it's about this car detailing place where it's sort of illegal, you know. they sort of re-spray paint the

car, you know. they sort of have to put a new coat of paint on it. and chapter one starts with this person who wants to paint all the -- but doesn't want to use the spray paint. she was like, "you know what, i'm going to take this paint in my hand. [ light laughter ] and i'm gonna splatter it on the cars." [ laughter ] so, the other employees are like, "uh, that's fine. but why do you need this light right in your face?" she's like, "that's how i like it. i'm sorry. [ laughter ] that's how i paint these cars." so, chapter one is her starting to do it. and it's very limiting. because she can't do all these colors. you know what i mean? it's just like those few -- it's yellow, purple, orange. and that's it. so, chapter two, they give her a beret for this. they're like, "you're so good at this, we're giving you a beige beret." [ light laughter ] and she's like, "that is really nice. thank you. but i have work to do." [ laughter ] and so, the honor is that she's uncompromising. she's like, "it's my honor to paint these cars. [ laughter ]

thank you for the beret." >> seth: wow. are there only the two chapters? >> fred: there are only the two chapters. but they're really long. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> fred: so that's it. >> seth: can i -- that sounds fantastic. can i read you what the publisher says this book is about? >> fred: sure. >> seth: okay. for hundreds of years the solarian league has born the banner of human civilization. but the bureaucratic mandarins who rule today's league are corrupt and have decided the star kingdom of manticore must be annihilated. only honor harrington can defeat them. >> fred: by painting cars. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] give it up for fred armisen, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest served as a united states senator for massachusetts and was secretary of state under president obama. his memoir, "every day is extra" is available now. please welcome to the show, john kerry everyone. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> seth: so congratulations on your memoir. this talks about many parts of your life. >> can i start by thanking you for not asking fred to -- >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] fred, i feel like -- i feel like you would have nailed this one. >> fred: yeah. >> no, no, no. don't, don't. [ laughter ] we're not going there. >> seth: of course, one of the things in the book, as would be expected, is the 2004 presidential campaign. >> yeah. >> seth: and, i think a highlight for you in the 2004 presidential campaign is i played you on "saturday night live." >> yes, you did. [ light laughter ] >> seth: there we go. there's a young seth meyers playing a young john kerry. [ cheers and applause ] was that -- were you watching "saturday night live" when you were running for president or were you too busy? >> no, i -- we would watch it religiously. i would have played me a little taller, seth. >> seth: yeah, i think that is -- [ laughter ] -- that was one of the strikes against it, for sure. >> but, no, you did well enough that you lost to will forte so -- >> seth: that's true. that's a real burn on me.

i thought -- obviously, they didn't love it in ohio. so -- >> you were so good though the swift vote guys started to make up lies about you. >> seth: yeah, that's -- i still can't get elected. this is also incredible to me. you went to st paul's in concord, new hampshire. >> i did. >> seth: and you were on the hockey team with robert mueller. >> yes. >> seth: this is a photo of you and robert mueller on the same hockey team, sitting next to each other. >> yeah. >> seth: so that's -- that's robert mueller right there. what was he like as a hockey teammate? >> he was the captain of the team. he was terrific. he was the best athlete in our school. very tough soccer player, lacrosse player and hockey player. as a lacrosse -- i mean he'd smack the other guys, knock them down. if he didn't knock them down, he'd indict them. no. [ laughter ] sorry. [ laughter and applause ] i -- but he really a strong guy. very capable. >> seth: and -- >> best athlete in high school. >> seth: do you feel capable -- do you have faith in him now in his current role as well? >> well, let me put it this way. he would savage the defense

wherever he played. >> seth: yeah, there you go. >> trump better get a better lawyer than rudy giuliani. >> seth: yeah. yeah, that's a good idea. that's a good idea. [ applause ] i want to ask -- obviously, secretary of state, you were a diplomat for years. there's a diplomatic issue right now with saudi arabia. there was the murder of journalist khashoggi. today, donald trump came out and said he doesn't necessarily agree with the intelligence assessment that mbs ordered this murder. and he also doesn't want to do anything to put in jeopardy, this relationship with saudi arabia. obviously our problematic ally that saudi arabia's been predates president trump. you had to deal with this country. how would you move forward with this situation where they are -- whatever the did, they are considered one of our allies. how do you deal with a situation like this? >> well, first of all, you have to deal with that situation, seth, as well as almost every other thing you're trying to

achieve by starting with a baseline of facts. real facts. >> seth: yeah. >> not alternative facts. >> seth: yeah. >> not an alternative reality and so forth. and i think -- you know, what bothers me and i think bothers an awful lot of people is that there's a consistency and a pattern here of a president who will not listen to his intelligence community, who knows better. i don't know where the fact come from or where his information comes from. but he -- with respect to russia, he does not accept the judgment of the intelligence community at large. with respect to north korea and the fact that they're continuing to mobilize their weapons. to even build more weapons. he says, "no, no, we have it under control. i love kim jong-un." you know, i mean this stuff -- and then finally, with saudi arabia, he's not listening to the community. you know, we don't know all the facts. i haven't had a briefing. i don't know the intel facts. but he ought to be listening to

those folks and working with congress to get the facts. because you've got to have a foreign policy that people in the world can respect. because it's based on truth. >> seth: you -- some of your accomplishments as secretary of state -- the paris climate change agreement, the iran nuclear deal. these were multi-lateral. these were obviously -- >> yeah. >> seth: -- months and months of negotiations and sometimes years went into these. donald trump has backed out of both of them. now again, there are conservatives who haven't liked these from the beginning. do you think donald trump is backing out of is it because of some conservative principles? or do you think it is just the fact that they were something that you and president obama and the obama administration accomplished? >> i think more the latter. but let me say, you know, trump has decided to get out of paris, right. but the rest of the world is staying in it. it makes you ask, what does president xi know? what does president putin know? what does president macron know??

chancellor of germany -- what do all these people know that donald trump doesn't? you don't have to answer that. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] by the way, "almost anything" would be the right answer. >> smart play. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] yeah. >> but -- [ applause ] but, you know -- but the climate change thing, there's actually a lot of hope. number one, we are seeing 38 states in the united states that equal 80% of the population of our country, are staying in. they're still pursuing laws they have in those states to move to sustainable alternative renewable energy. in addition, you've got more than a thousand mayors. every major city in america's mayor has decided we're going to try to live up to the paris agreement. so the good news is, donald trump may have decided, "i'm getting out of an agreement" that he can't officially get out of until one day after the 2020 election. but the rest of the -- of those 38 states and, you know, the

american people writ large, they are committed to doing paris. they're committed to staying in. and they're not going to listen to what donald trump is doing and whatever science he makes up or, you know, divines through his uncle who taught at m.i.t. and says he gave him a great instinct for science. >> seth: right. [ light laughter ] it does get passed down genetically, you know. [ cheers and applause ] you -- with the iran nuclear deal, and again, this was predating donald trump, many in the republican party did not like this deal. >> right. >> seth: is there any deal do you think that could have been negotiated with the iranian government that the conservative wing of the republican party would have been happy with? >> yeah, i suppose if iran had decided to say, "we're going to be america too." >> seth: yeah. just also -- >> and we'll adopt your constitution. and we're be a totally different -- maybe. >> seth: yeah. >> but probably not even then. i'll tell you why. because there's this -- you can't pass a treaty in today's united states senate.

because the right wing has decided that any treaty is giving up american sovereignty. and they don't want to do that. so they want to do everything on bilateral basis. everything individually. the problem is the world doesn't work that way, today, less so than it did even ever before. and we're the ones who built the international system around which we are trying to organize the world around a set of values as well as interests. and so, you know, to say that we're not going to work with other countries with treaties so he goes out -- i mean it takes a little doing to piss off canada. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> really? >> seth: yeah. there is now a bit of a leadership struggle. who's going to run the democratic party in the house? is nancy pelosi going to be the speaker again? is this a big deal, what's going on right now with the democratic party? and what do you think should happen? >> yes, it's an unfortunate, you know, effort, i think. but let me say two things about what you just said.

number one, everybody's been, you know, really upset over the last -- to say the least, over the last year and a half, two years. and there's a lot of pessimism in the air. and we have to stop whining. we have to stop, you know, sort of, giving in to this notion we can't make a difference. so look at what happened in this last election. we elected more new members of congress, republican and democrat, than any midterm election since the watergate election of 1974 which was two months after richard nixon was -- was resigned. so, we have this massive shift. we have seven governorships that went from republican to democrat. we have six legislators that went from republican to democrat. we had more young people turn out, by 55%, than any time in history. now, i think that's a cause for all of us to say we're on the right track. that's what we have to do. and the notion that nancy pelosi -- i mean, we won those seats not in spite of nancy pelosi but because of nancy pelosi.

she raised money. she honed the message. she campaigned across the country. she helped bring those candidates to the table. and nancy pelosi is the leader who delivered obamacare. she's the leader who delivered the stimulus when it was a difficult vote. and we lost people to those votes. she delivered the lily ledbetter fair pay act. she delivered the stimulus package. she is a leader. and there's no other person, i think, more ready to take us to the next step. she'll be a transitional figure. she knows that. but she's ready to lead. and i think it would be a huge mistake not to recognize the leadership she's shown. and to begin this new era with her stewardship. >> seth: that's fantastic to hear. i want to ask you one last thing. [ applause ] you said -- because people have been asking you about your plans in two years. your 2020 plans. you said you wanted to wait until after midterms. it's after midterms. what are you thinking? what is john kerry going to be

doing in two years? >> well, i'm not thinking about two years. i'm thinking about going home, having thanksgiving -- >> seth: yeah. >> -- having a great time with my family. >> seth: but see then thanksgiving -- it'll be thanksgiving. and it'll be stressful. >> no matter how you ask -- >> seth: you'll start thinking past. >> no matter how you ask this question. >> seth: yeah. >> i'm going to find a way to duck it. >> seth: yeah, that's true. [ laughter ] you know what, i'm going to let you off the hook. happy thanksgiving. john kerry, everybody. "every day is extra" is available now. we'll be right back with rachel dratch. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ you're headed down the highway when the guy in front slams on his brakes out of nowhere. you do, too, but not in time. hey, no big deal. you've got a good record and liberty mutual won't hold a grudge by raising your rates over one mistake. you hear that, karen? liberty mutual doesn't hold grudges. how mature of them! for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise their rates because of their first accident.

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: you know our next guest from her work on "saturday night live." she returns to the stage in "celebrity autobiography" which is playing at the marquis theatre november 26th, december 10th and 17th. please welcome back to the show, our very good friend, rachel dratch everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> seth: dratch! >> hi! >> seth: how are you?

>> this is so exciting. i always love being back here. >> seth: it's so great to be back here. and it's so nice to have you here on a night that fred's here. the old -- >> fred. >> seth: the gang's back together. >> i think i remember fred, yeah. >> seth: you remember fred, right? [ light laughter ] >> hi. how are you? >> seth: he grew a beard right now. and now he looks like governor david paterson again. [ laughter ] >> oh, my gosh. don't -- don't do that. let's not -- let's not reawaken the controversary. hi. >> seth: so i want to ask about -- >> yes. >> seth: -- this show "celebrity autobiography." >> yes. >> seth: you've been doing this for awhile. >> yes. i've been doing this -- yeah. but this -- now it's going to -- ♪ broadway >> seth: wow! >> so, i'm going to be on -- ♪ broadway but i'm not singing, luckily. no, it's just a show where they get actors to read from other celebrity's autobiographies, often from days gone by. they were not intended to be funny when they were written. but they're funny now. [ light laughter ] >> seth: and you don't rewrite them at all. >> no. it's word for word. >> seth: you just read them as written. >> right. so it's like, you know, say mr. t. i do mr. t. [ light laughter ] i do -- >> seth: so you read mr. t's autobiography? >> yeah. yeah. i mean, not the whole thing, just excerpts.

or you know, the poetry of suzanne somers. >> seth: okay, got you. >> that's a thing. >> seth: these seem like wonderful things to read on stage. >> yeah, exactly. jonas brothers all collectively wrote a book. sometimes we do that. and i play the bonus jonas. that's frankie. [ laughter ] the younger -- the youngest. you'll hear from him. he's -- he's -- big things in store for him. yeah. okay. >> seth: one thing i always like to ask you about is your son eli when you're here. he is now eight-years-old. >> he's eight, yeah. >> seth: you were showing me pictures of him backstage. any notable quotes from eli lately? >> let's see. okay, well one thing is -- okay, so eli loves -- he loves chuck e. cheese, right? >> seth: uh-huh. >> and so do i. [ laughter ] but anyway, so he walks -- i brought him to chuck e. cheese. 'cause he's always begging. and he walked in. and he goes, "i'm so honored to be here." [ laughter ] so, he was really feeling the sanctity of the space. you know? yeah. i'm trying to think of what else he's -- oh, he asked, you know -- every night he -- you know, he was like, "i have a question." i'm always like, "when is it going to be the big questions?" you know?

and sure enough, i think when he was five, he asked me, you know, "how babies are made?" and i was determined to tell him the truth, you know? i tried at first to be like, "there are two cells." you know, that didn't fly with him. then you have to get more whatever. i don't know. [ laughter ] but anyway, i told him. and then he made the funniest face. he was kind of like -- it was a mix of surprise, disgust, humor. he was just like -- like that. [ laughter ] and then he asked me a few more questions. he goes, "we need a scientist here at once." [ laughter ] because he wanted, i don't know, i guess a better explanation. >> seth: he wanted answers. >> he wanted answers, yeah. >> seth: you guys got a dog. right? >> we got a dog. yes. >> seth: what's your dog's name? >> okay, her name is -- her name is ruffles. >> seth: uh-huh. [ audience aws ] >> so -- so, okay. so, we -- >> seth: what is ruffles doing here? am i? >> oh, that's it. that's right. so ruffles, okay, so eli was begging for a dog. and i finally got one. and i was kind of determined to do the rescue thing, you know? but -- so, it's so funny when you're like, "yeah, my dog's a rescue." you can feel really good about yourself. but, i mean, this is like the cutest puppy.

she was going to get -- it's not like i got a, like, a nine-year-old pit bull. but anyways -- >> seth: yeah. >> but anyways, so we got ruffles. so ruffles came with the name ruffles. and i thought that was a little cutesy, you know? but eli wanted to keep it. i was like -- >> seth: really? >> yeah. >> seth: eli fought to keep it? >> yeah. eli wanted to keep it. so -- and i was like, "really? 'cause you had such other good names." he had pizza. i thought that was kind of cool. but anyway -- so then he's ruffles. and she's just so cute, that i'm kind of embarrassed when i go out and be like, "ruffles!" [ laughter ] so i'm always just like -- i'm like, "come here ruffles. ruffles -- ruff." and i tried, like, "ruffy!" and it sounds like other people are calling out gladys and whatever. and i'm just like, "ruffles." it's just a little too cutesy for me. >> seth: it's a little cutesy. >> but she's very sweet. oh, so anyway, the other thing is i thought, you know, i'm not going to let my dog sleep on my bed. 'cause, you know, i feel like if i lived out in the country and she was walking on fresh grass it would be okay. but walking on the sidewalks of new york, you don't know -- >> seth: yeah, you don't want her in your bed. >> yeah, and of course, now she's on the bed. she actually sleeps behind my head on the bed like a head covering. she sits right on my pillow.

i'm sure i'm sleeping in complete fecal matter. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> but, you know, that's ruffles. she's cute. >> seth: ruffles is calling the shots. >> she is. >> seth: ruffles is calling the shots. >> and i'm covered in fecal matter. [ laughter ] not really guys. it's microscopic, okay? it's fine. >> seth: you're going to have to put that in your autobiography. and then somebody's going to read that on broadway. >> exactly. i hope not. okay. >> seth: i want to ask -- there was a character you and i -- characters you and i used to do together. >> oh, gosh. >> seth: you were really the character. and i was just -- >> you were my grandson. >> seth: you played a hollywood producer -- >> yes. >> seth: -- named abe scheinwald. >> yes. you helped me write this by the way. >> seth: yes. and i was -- >> we wrote this together. >> seth: yes, i was your grandson, brad scheinwald. >> yeah. >> seth: and there is abe scheinwald. [ laughter ] abe scheinwald was -- based on how we talked about movies, i think it's safe to say that abe scheinwald, fictional as he may be, would have gotten metooed. >> he would definitely have been metooed. he would have been brought up on charges. it's good thing that he's dead right now. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> because he was very inappropriate. >> seth: yes.

>> his saying was he wanted to get butts in the seats so he'd be like, "you need big jugs." >> seth: yeah. >> he'd be like, "double ds. double ds." [ laughter ] this is a dollar by the way. [ laughter ] >> seth: i believe that's what you're saying right there. >> it doesn't work without the prop. >> seth: that's what abe is saying right there. >> double ds. double ds. >> seth: and the other great thing -- >> i guess i'd be wearing a bald cap. >> seth: here's another time abe showed up which was on update. abe was also always eating cole slaw. >> yeah, he had a big tub of coleslaw at all the times. [ laughter ] yeah. >> seth: and i want to credit you as an actor. it was not prop coleslaw. >> it was real coleslaw. when you're at "snl," you're trying to get your scene picked, right? so when we did it at the table -- >> seth: on wednesday, yeah. >> on wednesday, i went down and got a tub of coleslaw. because i wanted to really sell it to the table. you know? [ laughter ] i guess i'm just really method like that, seth. >> seth: yeah. and i remember i sat next to you at the table for years. and we loved sitting next to each other. >> yes. >> seth: but during abe scheinwald -- 'cause you would eat it while you talked, it would come out like grass from a lawn mower.

>> i had to eat it like a gross person. [ laughter ] yeah, i had to do it for comedy. >> seth: you did it. >> and i'm sorry that i showered you with coleslaw. >> seth: it was worth it. every second was worth it. >> thank you, seth. >> seth: every bit of coleslaw was worth being your friend. >> thank you. >> seth: it's always so great to see you. >> oh, we're done? okay. [ laughter ] i have so many more stories to tell. okay. that's fine. >> seth: save it for your autobiography. >> okay, i will. >> rachel dratch, everybody. >> all right, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: "celebrity autobiography" playing three nights at marquis theatre. for more information, go to celebrityautobiography.com we'll be right back with stand-up from daniel simonsen. ♪ ♪ why shop kohl's this week?

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: our next guest is a very funny comedian who is originally from norway. he currently lives here in new york city. please welcome to the show, daniel simonsen, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> yes. hello. hi guys. i'm from norway. that's where i developed my personality. [ laughter ] yeah. this is always the worst. the first three minutes you have to be funny quick so people don't get concerned. [ laughter ]

i also feel i have the kind of demeanor that makes people worried. i don't project. but you need to relax. because i've always been quite shy. you know when you go to dinner and there's a guy there that makes you feel uncomfortable? that's me. [ laughter ] i'm the guy who doesn't contribute. so i think stand up itself is a little bit lame. it's just something so weird about how comedians talk. we always have to ask you questions. so we come out there like, "so how we doing in the crowd? you guys having a good time? anybody been to the bank?" [ laughter ]

nobody talks like that in real life. if i'm eating at somebody's house, there's not a guy there, "so, how we doing around the dinner table? you guys ready for the chicken? [ laughter ] who in here have been to the bank?" [ laughter ] i went to the bank though today. [ laughter ] but it was closed. [ light laughter ] so i wasn't able to enter. it's quite disappointing with that joke. imagine if it was open, how much fun we could be having right now. [ laughter ] [ applause ] yeah. i got there too late. so that sucked for you guys. maybe you could have been bending over now with laughter. ha, ha, ha.

i'm so happy the bank was open. [ laughter ] no, i don't like my own stand-up. i have a youtube video. and beneath it there's quite a lot of nasty comments about me. i actually agree with most of them. [ laughter ] there was a guy who really ripped me apart. and i felt he made a lot of strong points. [ laughter ] one thing he wrote was that i only get laughs because of my accent. i often worry about that. it was nice to have it confirmed. [ laughter ] it helps to cry though when people criticize you. just bawl it out. isn't that weird, when you cry salty water comes out of your eyes?

what's up with that guys? [ laughter ] it's like your body puts seasoning on your emotions. [ laughter ] it adds flavor so you can also taste your own pain. [ laughter ] sometimes it's not painful enough so i add salt. i take out the shaker, "oh, yeah. that's the right amount." so myself, i haven't been very nice lately. i thought i would move to this city and become this incredible person. but it's made me really aggressive. i think it's because we're so crammed up. never get really outraged when people walk slow. i never tell those people

anything. but i want them to feel guilt. [ light laughter ] i do this when i go by them. [ laughter ] and then i show them how they should walk. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. another thing that piss me off is when somebody steps on the back of your shoe so it goes half way off. i don't actually talk out loud. i just stop. and i go, "oh, my god. wow." that's how i show him how badly he screwed up. i want him to feel that it's not okay to make a mistake. [ cheers and applause ] good thank you. >> seth: daniel simonsen, everybody. we'll be right back.

that was great man. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to john kerry, rachel dratch. daniel simonsen, everybody! fred armisen, the 8g band. stay tuned for "carson daly." we'll see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ >> carson: hi, gang. it's carson daly. this is phd terrace at dream