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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  August 16, 2019 12:37am-1:35am PDT

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[ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers. tonight -- jake tapper, star of "pose", actress mj rodriguez featuring the 8g band with nate smith ♪ [ cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night. how is everybody doing tonight [ cheers and applause that is wonderful to hear. in that case, let's get to the news despite major wall street losses yesterday and global fears of a
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recession, president trump tweeted today, quote, "consumers are in the best shape ever plenty of cash business optimism is at an all-time high. and then the mayor from "jaws" tweeted, "beaches open no sharks in sight." [ laughter ] former colorado governor john hickenlooper announced today he is dropping out of the presidential race and released a three minute video thanking his supporters by name. [ laughter ] "jeff, i really got to thank you, jeff. [ laughter ] you were there for us at each one of those polls." former president barack obama has shared his summer reading list coming in at number one, "how to tell your friend you're not endorsing him. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause according to reports, allies ofe number of gaffes he's making in
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speeches where as in the white house, they're pretty much screwed after 5:00 a.m [ laughter ] presidential hopeful congressman tim ryan held a fundraiser in new york this week that included a yoga class and a breathing session. oh, that's good. because if he's looking to be president, he should not hold his breath [ laughter ] according to medical examiners in new york, sex trafficker, jeffrey epstein had a broken bone in his neck that is more common with homicidal strangulation than suicide then they added, "also, this is probably nothing, but he was shot five times in the head. [ laughter ] is it nothing? should i put it in the report? no okay." [ light laughter ] the national gallery in london sketches by leonardo da vinci that were tucked under one of his paintings. and it turns out he invented that cool s thing. [ laughter ]
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today was "i love cowboys and cowgirls" day. this news was first reported by a farmer telling his parents he's bi. [ laughter ] customs officials in los angeles announced yesterday they seized over 5,000 counterfeit luxury products, including almost 700 pairs of fake nike shoes which is bad news for people who thought they got a great deal on a new pair of air gordans. [ laughter ] and finally, a thai woman was sent to the hospital yesterday after claiming she slipped and fell on a cucumber, causing it to end up inside of her. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] said her husband - said her husband, "she's had a rough week just the other day she slipped and fell on the mailman. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] [ laughter and applause we got a great show for you tonight.
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"i fell on the mailman." [ light laughter ] he's the host of "the lead" as well as "state of the union" on cnn. our friend jake tapper is back, everybody. [ cheers and applause she is the star of the emmy nominated series "pose", currently in its seconds season on fx. mj rodriguez is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause before we get to our guests, president trump has been freaking out about the possibility of a recession for more on this, it's time for "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause >> seth: if there's one thing trump loves to brag about, it's the stock market he talks about it constantly and by talks about it, i of course, mean he lies about it. because he lies about everything i would say lying for him is as natural as breathing, but he's not great at breathing either. [ heavy breathing [ laughter ] >> seth: in fact, this week,
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"the washington post" published an exhaustive study that found as of august 5th, trump has made over 12,000 false or misleading claims as president. which means that trump said something false about once every three hours on average [ audience ohs ] once every three hours that means he has to wake up in the middle of the night just so he can get his lies in [ laughter ] "russia's a witch hunt." [ laughter ] [ applause ] how does he even keep track? he must have a fitbit for lies like a fib-bit "oh, no. i need to get my 10,000 lies in. i better hold a rally. [ laughter ] trump has apparently told so many lies that if he never told a lie ever again in his life, he'd still have averaged 8.7 untrue claims per day over the span of his first term even though under this imaginary scenario he hadn't said anything untrue in more than a year first of all, let's just bask in that imaginary scenario where trump hasn't said anything untrue in more than a year i mean imagine what his rallies would be like. "folks, people are coming to the border they're seeking asylum, which is
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perfectly legal. and we should welcome them because diversity is our strength [ cheers ] also, i'm terrible - i am terrible at golf. [ cheers and applause in fact, trump gave -- trump gave a speech on energy to workers in pennsylvania on tuesday. and it was one reporter's job to basically sum the whole thing up it's what's known in politics as the pool report. and here is the actual white house pool report summing up trump's speech "in a 67 minute speech that at times resembled a campaign rally, the president meandered through several topics, many having little to do with energy. he talked about trade, immigration, trucks, emoluments, his 2016 victory, union leaders, his poll numbers, the media, steel, china, the amount of money he believes he's losing as president -- [ light laughter ] the green new deal, windmills, the wto screwing us, president obama's book deal, llary clinton's comments on coal workers, pipelines, new york, iran, veterans choice and more." my god, that sounded like a month's worth of jeopardy categories
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[ laughter ] i'll take windmills for $400 the answer, this famous idiot believes they cause cancer [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause believes they cause cancer in fact, one of the lies trump told at that speech was about the various lawsuits against him, including a lawsuit alleging that he is violating a section of the constitution that specifically prohibits what are known known as emoluments, or gifts from foreign governments for example, a saudi-funded lobbyist paid for 500 rooms at trump's hotel after the 2016 election. does trump's hotel even have 500 rooms? i just assumed there was a lobby. and if you went upstairs, it was just fake doors painted on the walls. [ light laughter ] now that seems like a pretty clear violation of the constitution and yet, trump wasn't concerned about that he complained instead about how much the lawsuits were supposedly costing him >> this thing is costing me a fortune being president. somebody said, "oh, he might have rented a room for -- to a man from saudi arabia for $500."
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what about the $5 billion that i'll lose? you know, it's probably going to cost me including upside, downside, lawyers. 'cause everyday they sue me for something. these are the most litigious people it's probably costing me from $3-$5 billion. >> seth: i don't i believe you're losing $3 to $5 billion from lawsuits. i would believe you're losing $3-5 billion dollars just from, you know, being donald trump i mean you lost a billion dollars in ten years and that was in the '80s and '90s when everyone was making money. i mean - [ light laughter ] back then a little kid could open a lemonade stand and make enough money to buy a bugatti. [ laughter ] so trump lies about everything and the stock market is no exception. but if you compare his record to previous presidents, it's not as impressive in fact, if you look at the change in the dow jones industrial average over the same period of time, clinton saw 42.4% increase obama saw a 41.7% increase and trump has seen a 30.1% increase so trump's been outdone by clinton and obama, the twost the only way that could be more
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embarrassing for trump is if he did lose $3-5 billion dollars. and they had to repossess his penthouse and rename it hillary tower. [ laughter ] [ applause ] more importantly - more importantly, the stock market is not the whole economy. in fact, most working people aren't really invested in the stock market it's mostly just a sign of how the wealthy few are faring in fact, one study found that nearly 40% of the market is owned by the richest 1% of the population while the bottom 90% of the population owns just 19% of stock market wealth. basically for a lot of people, those stock numbers in the bottom of the cnn corner are just something you stare at while you're waiting for your flight it's like, "i don't know i guess green is good. and red is bad." [ light laughter ] "i'm gonna go to the cinnabon. [ laughter ] trump's economic policies have only benefitted the elite few to begin with and now that a recession seems like it might be on the horizon, he's freaking out. because for two years, he's been able to coast on the economic tide left by obama, while ignoring the growing wealth gap, massive inequality or the shuttering factories in states he promised to rescue.
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in fact, trump is so desperate for something to brag about that during that rambling speech in pennsylvania, he touted the shell plant that was about to open and repeatedly claimed credit for it. >> this would have never happened without me and us. this would have never happened it was the trump administration that made it possible. no one else. without us, you would never have been able to do this >> seth: there you go. the shell plant never would have happened without trump just one problem, shell announced its plans to build the complex in 2012 when president barack obama was in office "uh oh it's been three hours. better check my fib-bit. [ laughter ] i mean he's taking credit for a plant that was announced when obama was in office. what's next? "do you know i killed osama bin laden? i swear it's true. i have -- i have a very real photo to prove it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] trump is freaking out about the possibility of a recession after spending two andal catering to wealthy elites he doesn't care about growing
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inequality or shuttering factories. we've got a lot of problems. and in many cases -- >> it was the trump administration that made it possible >> seth: this has been "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause we'll be right back with jake tapper, everybody [ cheers and applause ♪ >> announcer: for more of seth's "closer looks", be sure to subscribe to "late night" on youtube.
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> seth: welcome back, everybody. give it up for the 8g band, right over there [ cheers and applause all week along we've had a two-time grammy-nominated artist, producer and composer from new york city, sitting in with us on drums this fall, be sure to check him out on tour with brittany howard. for tour dates and more, check out nate smith is here, everybody! [ cheers and applause thank you for a great week >> thank you, seth >> seth: always a pleasure >> thank you >> seth: our first guest tonight is cnn's chief washington correspondent. he hosts "the lead" weekday afternoons, as well as the network's sunday show, "state of the union. please welcome back to the show, our friend, jake tapper, everyone ♪ [ cheers and applause
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>> seth: how are you >> i am good what is -- you have the coolest microphone thing, it looks like a tie clasp. >> seth: yeah, isn't that really - that's top level >> i was thinking like, that looks pretty sharp >> seth: what do you guys wear is that what you do at cnn >> yeah, just this >> seth: it's like that? >> yours looks cool, like it's intended >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. >> seth: well, you have your own show, too. you've got to get one of these >> i don't have as much pull, i don't think. [ laughter ] >> seth: well the problem is, you have a show on a network that has too many hosts. so they'd be like, "you get one, then cuomo's going to want one, anderson's going to want one." [ light laughter ] >> exactly >> seth: you can't do that where as me, it's -- >> it's not just one tie clip. >> seth: i guarantee you, if i've got it, that means fallon had it first [ laughter ] >> it does actually have his initials >> seth: it does, yeah [ light laughter ] j.f. -- do not touch oh, no [ light laughter ] you hosted the debates - >> i did >> seth: and that is a lot not only was it back-to-back nights but 10 id did you -- how do you approach it with that many people >> well, first of all we should just make sure everybody understands, if it were up to me, i would have five
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candidates but it was the democratic national committee they made the decision >> seth: right not cnn's choice >> they said, this is what you have to achieve in order to get on the debate stage and turns out it was very achievable >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> so they had 20 candidates thank god we were allowed to split it into two nights and it's tough, because all these competing imperatives. you want to make sure that you get to the big people, the bigger candidates, but you also want to include everybody. you want to bring out debate you want to get to as many topics as you can, but you don't want to be too shallow it's a lot of moving parts >> seth: it did seem that you guys got credit for hitting on a lot of substantive issues. obviously, their limit of time and the fact that 10 people are talking. i think when we remember the last debate that had that many candidates was the gop debates 4 years ago. you did those as well. >> yea, i did one with 11 candidates. >> seth: 11 candidates at once >> because carly fiorina got in there. >> seth: she slid in at the last minute >> yeah. >> seth: yeah. and thank god she did, because
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then she was president [ laughter ] but you -- those, i think, are not remembered as being as substantive, but you would argue that they were, we just forget because of trump >> because of who was in the middle of the stage. i think we asked a lot of substantive questions, but i think one of the problems with a debate, anytime that president trump -- then, candidate trump -- is there is, you might not remember the discussion about the nuclear triad, for example, which was brought up and you might remember when he made fun of rand paul's hair >> seth: yeah. >> one of them might stick in your brain a little bit more >> seth: yeah. do you think that will ultimately be the challenge for whoever ends up against him, moving forward is that, as voters we will also be distracted by his ability to make fun of, sort of, trivial things >> i don't know. that's going to be the big challenge for whoever the democratic nominee is. what's the way to go after him because you could argue that hillary clinton won all three >> seth: yeah, i thinktt american people thought she did. >> polls indicated that the
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>> seth: yeah. >> and yet, she's obviously not in the white house right now >> seth: because they were like, that other guy is a little crazy though, i kind of like that. [ laughter ] let's see what that looks like in the white house let's try the crazy guy. it's only for a week, right? four years [ laughter ] >> it was a little bit more complicated than that, but okay. we'll go with that >> seth: i think most voters - >> there's the popular vote -- >> seth: trust me, i've been in the diners, that's what they did. [ laughter ] i've talked to people in diners. so you - >> there were the russians, and comey and wisconsin. >> seth: there's a lot of things >> there's a lot of factors. >> seth: you've had this issue, because you have to deal with it certainly in a more serious way than we do there have been things this week that are hard to lay out exactly what happened. steve king, who is an iowa congressman, he basically made comments defending rape and incest which you would think would be a real career ender, but not as yet. how do you even -- when you hear that, how do you even go about presenting that to people as here's a real thing that happened
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>> i mean, we just ran the clip. just for those of you who are not familiar with congressman king's oeuvre -- >> seth: yeah. >> he says a lot of just really insane and offensive things. >> seth: yeah, the craziest thing is it wasn't out of left field for him. >> yeah. the good news was, it wasn't racist >> seth: yeah, that's right, he tried a new thing. [ laughter ] that's like, be careful what you wish for good news, he's not racist anymore. [ laughter ] >> well it wasn't that - just in those comments he was, i'm going to try a little misogyny let's just see who that goes >> seth: yeah. >> try it on for size. yeah, the basic argument he was making, he was trying to explain -- he was trying to defend his argumenas to abortheoes not even believe in exemptions for rape and incest and his argument was, if you go back in history, you know, a lot of people got raped and a lot of people had incest. and i don't know that my family tree doesn't have any of that. >> seth: yeah. i'd argue it probably does, yeah [ laughter ]
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>> it would explain a lot. >> seth: yeah. >> anyway, so in that instance we just ran the clip and then i just turned to a guy on the panel, poor mike rogers, former republican congressman, and just said, why does he say things like that >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> he didn't have an answer. [ light laughter ] >> seth: you mentioned even having a republican on the panel to be able to talk to you. you also talked about after the horrific weekend of shootings in el paso and dayton, you sort of opened your show by saying -- your sunday show -- by saying that you had reached out and could not get any elected republican official to come on the show >> yeah, except for the mayor of el paso. and the reason we did this, and you know this just from your booking, it's part of your show, too, is we don't make a habit of saying who we tried to get and didn't get >>h: yea i wouldn't have time in the show [ laughter ] >> right hence, me here [ laughter and applause >> seth: you guys, tom cruise was a no, here's jake tapper
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[ laughter and applause >> but we did it because we were doing a special four hours of "state of the union," because of those two horrific shootings and we had booked literally seven democratic presidential candidates and we wanted people to know that we had made an effort to get national republican figures. but the governor of texas, the two republican senators from texas, the governor of ohio, the republican senator of ohio, all these people had turned us down. it wasn't for lack of effort >> seth: and do you -- is that, like, a very fast no you get from them? are you surprised when they say no or is this what you've come to expect, especially with an issue like gun control where there's very little they could probably say in the wake of the tragedy >> we have republicans on "state of the union" all the time >> seth: right >> in fact, we did end up having the governor of ohio on, like, a day or two later, on "the lead." but i don't think republicans like to talk after gun massacres, because i don't think they have a lot of answers as to why they hold a position that,
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for instance on universal background checks. 90% of the american people support universal background checks a majority of republicans, a majority of nra members. so why wouldn't you support that and i think they don't want to talk about it. >> seth: you also, i believe it was this week, when maybe on sunday or monday when donald trump retweeted a conspiracy theory about jeffrey epstein, and who might have been involved in the murder >> a particularly deranged one >> seth: yeah. >> even for president trump, who >> even for president trump, who is a fan -- the way that you appreciate good music -- is a fan of conspiracy theories >> seth: he really does like -- those are his jams >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: and you decided not - >> sitting in tonight is alex jones [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah, right you decided not to even show it. >> because it was just crazy >> seth: yeah, and - >> and libelous also >> seth: right i mean, again, surprise is such a weird word to use now, because i think all of our capacity to
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be surprised has been sort of worn down. are you surprised though that we're at a time where you cannot show a thing the president said on tv, because it's too bat[ bleep ] crazy [ light laughter ] >> it is strange, because he is the president and everything he tweets is a presidential statement. it is an official presidential statement. even if it weren't, he's still saying it and he's the president. and he retweeted something that was just nuts, in which he was -- in which somebody was intimating that one of his political rivals had something to do with epstein's death. and, yeah, it's weird when you're like, i'm not going to share what the president said with the american people because it's so crazy. but the truth of the matter is, we've been dealing with this since he came down the stairwell. i remember during that debate, the republican debate with 11 people. at one point, i wanted -- i mean, he supports -- he believes
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in this crazy theory, not supported by science or the medical establishment, that vaccines aren't good that they do something bad that is not true and i'm not going to support it, i mean, repeat it. but i wanted dr. ben carson to correct him. that was my goal >> seth: yeah. >> and carson wouldn't do it >> seth: yeah. there are some good things happening. >> what? [ laughter ] >> seth: i'm going to tell you -- [ applause ] you're to thank for it we talked about it before. and i always like to check in with, really, the -- we like to call her the successful tapper your daughter, alice tapper. became a book. seth: she wrote an op-ed in a book about era yeah >> seth: what's the update on the book >> last we heard, she's going to have a publisher publish it in china. and translated into che, azing i have written four books. none of them have been translated [ applause ] >> seth: none of them have been translated at all? >> none translated i don't even think they're translated into british. [ laughter ]
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>> seth: well, give her our best thank you so much for being here >> pleasure. >> seth: it's always great jake tapper. [ cheers and applause we'll be right back with mj rodriguez thank you. [ cheers and applause ♪ (vo) the hamsters, run hopelessly in their cage. content on their endless quest, to nowhere. but perhaps this year, a more exhilarating endeavor awaits. defy the laws of human nature,at the summer of audi sales event. get exceptional offers now.
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> seth: our next guest is a talented actress you know from her work as blanca on the emmy-nominated series "pose. this season two finale airs tuesday night on fx. let's take a look. >> i'm just not like you girls there's certain things that you can wear that i cannot >> if this is about tucking, i got some extra duct tape >> it's not about that either. i just don't like being exposed. i don't like the summer. men whispering on the streets calling me a man, a freak, a tranny >> ma, people always gonna have opinions don't matter how beautiful or busted you are, that's just part
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of being a woman in a man's world. >> seth: please welcome to the show mj rodriguez, everyone. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> seth: how are you, mj >> i am good i'm good, i'm good >> seth: i'm so happy you're here >> i'm happy i'm here, too >> seth: this is a fantastic show ced >> seth: and it sort of -- oh, it's about the underground ball culture in new york in the '80s >>kay. well, i mean, the ball culture -- ballroom culture that really started in new york city, underground ballroom culture it's a place where a lot of lgbt community members they go to find refuge. they find comfort. they get to be who they truly wanna be and they just get to live their lives completely and find the people that they feel most comfortable to raise them, lift them up in ways that they never thought before >> seth: and you -- you're from newark >> yes, i am
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>> seth: and did you find your way -- did you -- did you come into the city did you find your way into this culture? >> yeah, it was kind of crazy. i mean, i was 14 years old in high school. i went to a school called arts high in newark, new jersey and that's actually where my housefather at the time found me i was walking, i think, one of hishion shows or just a fashion show, in general, at school and he saw me he was like, "that's my metim a the terminology, explain what a couple of my friends before mei housefathe those are the people that upkeep the house that they've created so, for example, the house of lebeija. they'll have a housefather and a housemother to be kind of -- like, matriarch and the monarch of the house, and make sure that everything okay, the kids are learning they'll teach some voguing lessons. they'll give them everything that they need that their other parents wouldn't give them >> seth: what is the first lesson of voguing? what is the first thing you learn? [ laughter ] >> um, hmm i mean, there's so many things that you can learn you can learn duck walking no, we not gonna do right now 'cause i got - [ laughter ] i got some heels on.
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that's hard to do. >> seth: okay, great >> but there a -- there's hand performance. >> seth: uh-huh. >> and there's many elements to it that you have to incoatt slpy i remember when i was youn my housefather at the time - i snuck out and i went to rehearsal at ripley-grier, and he said, "let's see what you got. and i got up there and i did -- it was called fem voguing, and i got up there and i did a complete messy job >> seth: really? >> he was like, "what is that? [ light laughter ] he's like, "what is th and i said, "it was voguing, >> seth: yeah. >> he was like, "show her what it's all about." [ laughter ] and i was like, "all right, cool." >> seth: it seems -- it seems like the underground ball culture, pretty open with their feedback yes? >> yes [ laughter ] very much so very open and up front >> seth: nobody like, ever keeps their opinion to themselves. >> no, but you have that it's a space of honesty. it's a space of comfort. so they all let you have it right then and there they will read you down. [ laughter ] and you're like, "mm-hmm, thank you. >> seth: and you play -- you play a housemother on the show >> i do, i do. >> seth: who did you draw inspiration from
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was there anyone in your life that you were -- >> my momma. >> seth: yeah. >> my momma. she comes with me every single place i go and she was always that pillar for me to look up to, along side many lgbt members that were but she me sturdy and kept me sane, and she just made sure i kept on thr mom to the golden globes last year >> i did >> seth: how was it? was she excited? did you have a great time? >> oh, yeah. we were very excited like movie number singing in the mirror [ laughter ] and everything it was -- it was epic. >> seth: any -- were there any people you were particularly excited to see >> so many people. but i remember seeing bradley cooper sitting like, right across from me and i was like, "oh, my god. that's bradley cooper. [ laughter ] "is he gonna see me? [ laughter ] >> seth: you also went to the met ball for the first time this year >> i did, i did. >> seth: looking like a million dollars. [ cheers and applause >> yes, i did. >> seth: and that is another incredible night for people watching >> yes
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>> seth: did you get your -- did you get the full experience? did you get see the people you wanted to see that night as well >> i got to see every single last person i wanted to see. and more so than anything, i felt so included and accepted. i walked up and shook anna wintouran and then the next person was [ light laughter ] lady gaga, and she just grabbed me and she said some really, really, wonderful like, encouraging words, and i cried >> seth: that's alright. [ laughter ] >> a lot >> seth: it's a very good pla -- they always say, "if you need a good cry, go to the met ball." [ laughter ] >> go to the met ball. >> seth: yeah. >> you'll cry your eyes out. >> seth: hey, thank you so much for being here >> of course >> seth: and congratulations on everything [ cheers and applause mj rodriguez, everybody. we'll be right back with more "late night. [ cheers and applause ♪ sharon says step on it. the meeting's started. ok, write her back 'dear sharon, don't mess with my discount!' faster mommy, i gotta go to the bathroom. i do too honey, but we're gonna hold it for mommy's discount. easy, easy! but you're in labor? don't mess with my discount!
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[ cheers and applause ♪ >> seth: every wednesday and friday we release a podcast edition of "late night" so you can catch up on the go it's audio from the show and includes "a closer look," comedy bits, and guest interviews plus extra things exclusive for the podcast, like bonus backstage interviews, chats with the "late night" staff, original comedy sketches, and more. head to to subscribe and it's free, which is great. not as big as that. big.
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> seth: welcome back, you guys. this is so exciting. it's time once again for "popsicle schtick. ♪ [ cheers and applause [ laughter ] >> seth: for those of you who don't know, this is a bit where my writers come up with bad jokes and then try to save them with what they call "kick ass graphics." here we go who -- here we go. [ light laughter ] who is running for president of the vegetables beet buttigieg
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[ laughter ] ♪ popsicle schtick [ laughter ] >> seth: you get it. [ light laughter ] next popsicle. what's a crustacean's favorite wine a crab-er-nay. [ light laughter ] ♪ all my schtickle ladies all my schtickle ladie all my schtickle ladies♪ all my schtickle ladie now popsicles up ♪ ♪ if you like i you should have pu a schtick on it ♪ ♪ if you like i then you should have put a schtick on it ♪ ♪ save a joke wit a sexy graphic on it ♪ ♪ if you like i then you should have put a schtick on it ♪ ♪ whoa oh oh oh oh-oh oh oh oh oh oh o whoa oh oh oh oh-oh ♪ ♪ oh oh oh o oh oh ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause >> seth: there's something different about tonight's "popsicle schtick" that i do want to let you all know now
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usually, i will watch all the animations over the course of the week, leading up to the airing and then i will give notes and say, "i don't think that's one's great," or "maybe do some more.g notes about what an [ bleep ] popsicle stick was doing [ laughter ] and then ultimately, none of it mattered and that every second i spent giving notes about a popsicle stick i was gonna spend a million years in hell. [ laughter ] so tonight, for the first time ever, i haven't seen any of these. [ laughter ] which is why i was mildly amused by that last one [ laughter and applause if you were watching "all the schtickle ladies" and saying to yourself, "wow, based on seth's expression, he could take or leave this." [ laughter ] that was genuine [ laughter ] moving on. what did the mario brothers use to communicate with the spirit world?
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a luigi board. [ laughter ] >> young schticks, old schticks step right up and test your strength who among you can move the improvable head of seth? >> i can, i say. i can. [ light laughter ] [ ding ] [ ding ] [ laughter ] [ explosion [ thud ] [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] ♪ popsicle schtick [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> seth: you see what's happened here you see what's - i've been taken advantage of [ laughter ] i also want to point out, i have seen the jokes [ light laughter ] so, when you see these and you're like, "oh, he must have not have seen those. 'cause why would he sign off on a joke like luigi board? [ laughter ] that was the best of a hundred jokes.
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[ laughter and applause why was the priest in such good shape? he loved to exercise [ audience groans [ laughter ] oh, no [ siren the stick caught on fire [ brakes screeching >> nothing to worry about here, mr. meyers we got this under control. >> seth: good, good, good. [ screaming [ laughter ] >> buzzards guts, it's happened again. [ laughter ] those sticks will never learn. oh, god. [ laughter ] [ screaming buzzards guts, i'm a ghost [ laughter ] and i'm going to heaven. [ harp playing ] good-bye, everyone [ laughter ]
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oh, no, it's hell. [ applause ] it's hell! i thought i was going up it was heaven, but it's hell oh, god, i'm burning up again! oh, god! [ laughter ] >> seth: now see, if i hadn't seeded my authority to the writers, i would have said, it feels like back-to-back ones where popsicle sticks die -- [ light laughter ] you know, one where my head falls on them and they burst into blood and then that one, where a bunch of them burn up. and as a comedy writer, i don't know if you should put those two next to each other [ laughter ] then, they would have looked at me and gone like, "huh?" [ laughter ] and then i would have said, "it's pointless. i should just let them do it." [ light laughter ] what do you call a bird of prey who only eats avocado toast? a millennial falcon. [ laughter and applause [ thud ] [ ding ] >> he's killing ya, kid. you got to hit him
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you got to crush him >> you gotta cut me, schtick i can't see nothing out of my eye. [ audience groans you got to cut me more >> what? >> cut the other eye >> there's nothing wrong with the other eye. >> just cut it you got to cut me more >> huh [ light laughter ] >> cut off my head [ light laughter ] >> what? >> you g tea >> okay. [ ding ] [ laughter and applause >> seth: so -- so that would be three deaths in a row. [ laughter ] but, now, in comedy, there's something called the rule of threes and what that is, is even when three writers work on a piece, none of them notice that [ laughter ] the writer who came up with this is named ian morgan. he's right over there.
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and you can follow him on twitter at what is it? chisprer >> it's @thechispere >> seth: the chisperer >> yeah. [ light laughter ] the cat whisperer. >> seth: the cat whisperer [ laughter ] if a popsicle dies on this one, i'm [ bleep ] coming over there. [ laughter and applause what does the power ranger with no parents sayhan time [ audience oohs ♪ [ honking ♪ ♪ it's a wooden life for us it's wooden life for us ♪ ♪ instead of act on we get kicke into act fiv 'cause we're schticks ♪ ♪ it's a wooden life ♪ daddy sethbucks we never see
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daddy sethbuck what's that who's he ♪ >> seth: it's time for "a closer look." [ crash ♪ no one cares for yo a lick when you're in a popsicle schtick ♪ ♪ it's a wooden life ♪ just schticking about tomorrow makes you forget the news and the sorrow ♪ith one li tomorrow so don' blow your brains out 'cause tomorrow ♪ ♪ they'll be schtick ♪ when i'm stuck ♪ i just whip up a schtic that's sick an stretch out ♪ ♪ tomorro tomorrow a new schtic tomorrow ♪ ♪ okay now we'r done with this part ♪ [ light laughter ]
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>> ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat for you tonight. please enjoy our rendition of the song, "smooth criminal" as performed in 2003 by alien ant farm ♪ are you ok♪ ♪ annie are you oka are you okay are you okay annie ♪ ♪ annie are you oka are you okay are you okay annie ♪ ♪ you've been schticked b you've been struck b a smooth popsicle ♪ [ light laughter ] ♪ ♪ together at las together forever we're schticking a kno they never can sever ♪ ♪ i don't need sunshine [ crashing ] >> oh, oh! [ groaning ] [ laughter ] ♪ tomorrow tomorrow
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a new schtic tomorrow ♪ ♪ there's only te minutes more ♪ ♪ tomorrow tomorrow a new schtic tomorrow ♪ ♪ just kiddin we're almost done ♪ [ explosion ♪ tomorrow tomorrow a new schtic tomorrow ♪ ♪ we promis this is th last one ♪ ♪ tomorrow tomorrow a new schtic tomorrow ♪ ♪ for rea this tim we are done ♪ [ laughter ] >> oh, hell is weird
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good-bye, everybody. oh, my god [ cheers and applause >> seth: that was "popsicle schtick. we'll be right back. not all of us. [ cheers and applause ♪
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[ cheers and applause >> seth: my thanks to jake tapper, mj rodriguez, nate smith and of course, the 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly we'll see you tomorrow [ cheers and applause ♪
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♪ ♪ >> carson: it is 1:35 in the morning, w m for some "last call.


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