tv KPIX 5 News at 11pm CBS April 1, 2013 11:00pm-11:35pm PDT
ld've done this years ago. it's like i've had two lives-- premousse and now postmousse. truthfully, have you ever seen a better-looking guy? looks is so subjective. i don't mean to interrupt but sunday my friend is having a brunch for the new york marathon-- oh, i keep forgetting to enter that! gee! she lives right above first avenue has a perfect view of the race, and says i can invite some friends. man: i'm not going up there! [speaks spanish] harold and manny. [speaks spanish] boys, boys. oh, jerry. i slipped the rent under your door, harold. did you get it? yeah. would you like anything from miss hudwalker's apartment? [speaks spanish] i was only joking. he thinks i'm going to give you miss hudwalker's things. we have to go up and clean the apartment. good thing her rent was overdue. she'd still be rotting there.
she died? mrs. hudwalker died? 94 years old. i found her yesterday. she didn't have her wig on. it was horrifying. [speaks spanish] what's the matter with you? i'm talking! know anybody who needs an apartment? you know my friend elaine? yeah. i like her. she always says hello. she'd take it in a second. manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported. como deported? it's un pequeño misunderstanding con inmigracion. what's the difference? it's true. so she can have it? sure. she's getting a bargain, too. it's only $400 a month. [speaks spanish] ok. [speaks spanish] ok! hey, harold. what do you think? manny, look. kramer put mousse in his hair. [speaking spanish] thanks.
what was that all about? oh, nothing important. what's going on? what is that look? what look? nothing. something's going on here. i don't know if you should sit for this. sitting's good if you faint but standing is good for jumping up and down. i can't decide. jumping up and down? what are you talking about? give. oh, elaine, you know the way i am rarely ever thinking of myself. my only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. sure it hurts sometimes to give and give and give-- would you please? what would you say if i told you that-- told me what? i got you an apartment in this building?
no! yes. no! you didn't! i did. you got me an apartment in the building? i got you an apartment in the building. remember mrs. hudwalker the 94-year-old woman who lived above me? no. she died. she died? she died! she died. and...the rent is only $400 a month. get out! 400 a month? only 400 a month? 400. and i'll be right upstairs? right above you? right above me. we're neighbors! i'll be here all the time! all the time. we can exchange keys so we can come in and out. this will be great. all the time. thanks. see you later, donna. what happened to you? you can't believe what i did.
i could tell you but you won't believe it. how could i have done that? i told elaine about an apartment vacancy in my building. elaine's moving into your building? yes. right above me. right above you? you're going to be neighbors. i know. neighbors. she's right above you? right above. how could you do that? you may think you're an idiot, but i'm a much bigger idiot. don't insult me. remember who you're talking to. i'm the world's biggest idiot. ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move in next door? ever go to a singles' weekend in the poconos? she's right in my building. every time i come home, i'll have to sneak around like a cat burglar. you'll have to have all your sex at women's apartments. forget about the home-bed advantage. i need the home-bed advantage. of course. we all do. come in. sit with me. i just left. it's embarrassing. oh, who's going to know? they all saw me walk out.
two minutes. my censoring system broke down. that little guy in your head who thinks for you went out for coffee and, in that second, ruined my life. my censor quit two years ago. checked into a clinic emotionally exhausted. is there any way out of this elaine thing? water pressure's terrible in my building, and she loves a good shower. people don't turn down apartments because of weak showers. a shower fanatic might. for that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank. look at this woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting coffee-shop corned beef hash. isn't that child abuse? i'd love a kid. of course, you have to have a date first. remember my friend adam from detroit? with the flat head? he's a cube. he got married six months ago.
ever since he's been wearing a wedding band women have been coming on to him. wedding bands do that. i wonder if that's really true? that'd be an interesting sociological experiment. you know kramer would loan you his father's band. thanks. i'll give it back in a week. you don't need this ring. get yourself some plugs or a piece. i'm not doing that. you're crazy. you're a good-looking guy. why do you want to walk around like that? i'll load my hair with mousse like you. no. [speaking spanish] i told you i don't like these sponges! they're too small! i want a big sponge! tu siempre quieres algo big. there's no absorption with these! boys, boys. hi, jerry.
hallo, jerry. [speaks spanish] ok. [speaks spanish] ok. your friend can't have the apartment, jerry. what? because somebody offered manny $5,000 for the apartment. i don't want to do it. manny wants to do it. [speaks spanish] i'm telling him the truth. hey, hey, i understand. you're businessmen. ok, ok... [speaking spanish] oh. now he says that if your friend has $5,000 we'll give it to her. that's a lot of money, but if that's the way it's gotta be, that's the way it's got to be. you know i used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic sequence of meaningless events. but i see now that there is reason and purpose to all things. what happened to you? religion, my friend. that's what happened
to me. because i have just been informed that it's going to cost elaine the sum of $5,000 to get the apartment upstairs. $5,000? she doesn't have $5,000. of course she doesn't have $5,000. she can't get the apartment. so she doesn't move in! no move. you see? it's all part of a divine plan. and how does the baldness fit into that plan? [intercom buzzes] elaine? yeah! all right. this is going to require some great acting. i have to pretend i'm disappointed. you'll see me really being a phony. i hope you can take this. i lie every second of the day. my whole life is a sham. you know i love elaine. of course you do. but, you know, not in the building. really, i feel terrible about this.
my intentions were good. no, i'll be seeing you. ♪ good morning ♪ ♪ good morning ♪ have you ever gotten up early and felt great to be alive? every breath is a gift of sweet life from above? ooh, before i forget i have the checks for the first month, last month security deposit. i have $75 left in my account. well... there's a little bit of a problem. i know. there's a weak shower spray, so i am switching to baths. winston churchill said, "why stand when you can sit?" maybe i'll get some rubber duckies. no. someone offered harold and manny 5,000 for the apartment. they'd just as soon give it to you but you would have to come up with
that money. $5,000? i don't have $5,000. i know. how am i going to get $5,000? i have no idea. hey! my new neighbor. i'm not moving in. what? they want $5,000 now. so, ok what's the problem? i don't have $5,000. come on! you can get $5,000! jerry, you don't have $5,000 you can lend her? come on. yeah, well i didn't-- is that something you want to borrow? no. that's too much money to borrow. loan her the money. you can afford it. she doesn't want to borrow the money. she'll pay you back. what's 5 grand between friends? sure, i'd pay you back. so what's the problem? who said there's a problem? see?
he'll loan you the money. it might take a while to pay you back. maybe a few years. what do you think? it's ok. he doesn't care. you know, money can sometimes come between friends. get out of here. i'll think about it. what's to think about? i don't know-- 5,000? i'll just take one more look at it. it was all over. taken care of. done. finished. 5,000. she doesn't have 5,000. clean. goodbye. she's gone. then you come in. "loan her the 5,000. you got 5,000. give her 5,000." you didn't want her here? no, i didn't. then what did you loan her the $5,000 for? look, maybe she won't take it.
she said she was going to think about it. people don't turn down money. it's what separates us from the animals. what's the problem with having her in the building? let me explain something to you. you see, you're not normal. you're a great guy. i love you but you're a pod. i, on the other hand am a human being. i sometimes feel awkward uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with other human beings. you wouldn't understand. yeah, 'cause i'm a pod. i'll take it! no. open your eyes! discover the power of l'oreal's volumizing fibers. voluminous false fiber lashes mascara. dramatic volume from every angle. lashes are... volumized, lengthened... dimensionalized, curved! l'oreal's voluminous false fiber lashes mascara.
hi, elaine. hi, roxanne. these are my friends. this is george. and this is jerry. hi. he got me my new apartment. so you're elaine's hero. yes, it's my life's work. there are few true heroes left in this world. my wife couldn't make it today. she's got some thing with her mother. who knows what's going on with her? don't let anybody kid you. it's tough. well, better load up on some carbos before the race. the marathon is great, isn't it? particularly if you're not in it.
i wish we had a view of the finish line. what's to see? a woman from norway, a guy from kenya and 20,000 losers. my wife started getting on me about the lawn today. i tell you it's one thing after another. is she here? uh, no she's working. what does she do? she's an entomologist. you know-- bees, flies, gnats. what about you? i work for the director of madison square garden. i get free tickets to any sporting event. wow. anyway, she's a very lucky woman. enjoy the race. but... hi, stan. joanne. come in. jerry, this is joanne and stan. they're in my short story class. jerry just got me a great apartment in his building. it will be nice to have a close friend nearby. fantastic. she can pop in whenever she wants.
no need to knock. really. any time of day. i'm in heaven. oh, rita. come here. this is jerry. he got me the apartment. oh, hi. bob, here's the guy who got elaine her apartment. i'm sorry. i don't see the big deal about being a matador. the bull charges you move the cape-- what's so hard? so, are you really married? i've actually heard of single guys who wear wedding bands to attract women. you would have to be a real loser to try something like that. that's too bad because i really have a thing for bald guys with glasses. here come the runners!
so, you and roxanne are hitting it off, huh? i wouldn't say that. you seemed to be coming on to her. i'm a guy. it always looks like that. because i was thinking-- are you at all concerned that living in the same building will, you know cramp our styles? nah. i was worried there might be a situation where one of us came home with somebody. it could get uncomfortable. but as long as you're ok with it, it's fine with me. i've never been able to be with just one person. i can, however carry on strictly physical relationships which can last for years and years. it's a shame you're married. um, i'm not. um, it--it's just a sociological experiment. please.
you have no idea what an idiot is. elaine just gave me a chance to get out, and i didn't take it. this is an idiot. is that right? i just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in madison square garden. so please, a little respect. for i am costanza, lord of the idiots. you're all winners! but suddenly a new contender has emerged. george, i didn't sleep at all last night. i have to tell her. i'll just be honest. yes, i'm nervous.
are you listening to me? just put some soap on your finger. it will slide right off. then try axle grease. i'll call you back after i talk to her. well... it's all taken care of. everything's cool. what? what's cool? elaine. what are you talking about? i just found a guy willing to pay $10,000 for the apartment. you what? get out! 10,000? cash! who would pay that much? he's in the music business. elaine wouldn't borrow that much money. kramer, my god, man. this is beautiful. i'm in the clear. elaine's not moving in. i don't have to confront her. she doesn't know i never wanted her to move in. i'm golden. occasionally, i like to help the humans.
[loud electric guitar playing] wow, you're right. that is loud. it's just unbelievable. they rehearse all the time? i've been up there six times. they refuse to stop. i can't live like this. i'll have a breakdown. do something. i'm not going up. it stinks up there. manny? [speaking spanish] i never said they could play until 11:00. he makes his own rules. if i was up there, you'd never hear a peep out of me. i'm as quiet as a mouse. hey. oh! i love the one they do after this one.
[ male announcer ] behold... the mighty gorton's fish sandwich fillet. add a bun and you're done. ♪ ♪ what do you do when a neighbor's making loud noises at 3 a.m.? can you knock on someone's door and say keep it down? you're really altering your self-image. you think, what am i fred mertz now? am i a shusher? i used to be a shushee. there's a lot of shushing in movie theaters. shh. shh. shh. shh. it doesn't work. nobody
in those four column inches, she railed against me and my company, gnb, for wanting to tear down a beautiful old building: the arcadian. and as if that wasn't bad enough, the piece ran on a saturday, which as you both know is dad's crossword day. she ruined crossword day! i can't believe this. she singles me out by name. calls me a "fat cat." me and my "fat-cat friends." we're not fat cats. exactly. i say, marshall, my good man, how's my bow tie? impeccable, old bean. to industry! ah, bully! narrator: okay, that night we weren't the skinniest of felines. you see, every year the natural history museum holds its autumn spectacular. it's attended by some of the most powerful and important people in new york. and, thanks to goliath national bank... us. marshall: look at us, huh? in tuxedos? can you imagine if our college selves saw us like this? they'd pelt us with their phish bootlegs. yeah, we were pretty anti-establishment back then. oh, god, remember russell?
oh. nice monkey suit russell. yeah. come on, guys. oh, i'm sorry, i can't hear you with that corporate noose around your neck. and don't even try showing up to the drum circle this weekend. yeah. oh, hey. you guys seen russell? i'm supposed to drive him to his mom's funeral. i wish i knew you guys back then. you know why? because you can't kick a story in the nuts. hey, we're still those people. one of these days, marshall's going to quit his job and go to work for the nrdc, and save the world right, baby? absotively. but let's just remember, i mean nobody's the same as they were in college. you know, it's like, i wear a suit to work every day. well, yeah, but you wear it ironically like ted's fanny pack. next time we go to great adventure you're carrying your own sunblock. ooh! i love this exhibit. one time when i was a kid, this room was closed for cleaning
so i snuck under the rope. all: ooh. wow, that's pretty cool. when i was a kid i knocked down the blue whale. okay, the giant blue whale hanging from the ceiling? i was six. my uncle jerry brought me here for the day. he said, "don't touch anything." to a kid. so, naturally, i snapped the rib off a triceratops, blahbity-blahbity-blue i knocked down the whale. i'm surprised security didn't stop me on the way in. well, i'm sure they don't remember. i mean, it's been like 30 years since that completely made-up story didn't happen. it happened. marshall, barney there you are. i want you to meet an old friend of mine from exeter, george van smoot. but you can, and should, call me the captain. the captain? the captain? marshall and barney here are the future of goliath national bank. well, ahoy. ahoy. ahoy, the captain. the captain pretty much paid for this entire shindig. please, enjoy yourselves have fun but don't touch anything. thank you, the captain. challenge accepted. wow. "the future of goliath national bank"?
i know, it's so, uh... you know, i totally forgot to tell you, but, um the other day, arthur offered me a five-year contract. oh, well, don't turn him down here in public. i broke up with scooter at the prom. right before the picture, too. (sobbing) so whatever you do, don't tell him here tonight, 'cause... i think i'm going to say yes. ah, that's the stuff. i didn't realize you were small potatoes. and to be clear, i am referring to your testicles. impressive. try this on for size. (jingling) (clatters)
you want to dance? let's dance. i live for the dance. get... your other hand... off my ass. sorry, sorry. lily: what do you mean you're going to say yes? i-i want to keep working at gnb. but i thought that you... guys, guys, guys? architecture fun fact: if you stand right here, and you whisper, a person all the way across the other end of the room hears it like you're standing right next to them. it's one of the most sophisticated pieces of acoustical design in the world. watch. (whispers): diarrhea. right? right? but a five-year contract. i thought you hated gnb. look, i don't hate all of it. tonight's fun. take a look around. i mean, this is pretty high-class. (whispers): poo-poo. poo-poo platter.
well, well, well. you have got to be kidding me. so, what are we protesting tonight? rising cost of jet fuel? the government's oppressive top hat and monocle tax? and what are you doing here? oh, right. beautiful old building-- you're here to knock it down. can i finish my drink first? darling, there you are. hi. hi. ted, this is my husband. yeah, old stuff's great. mmm. ah, this scotch is good. how's your drink? this is ridiculous. we are two grown adults standing among the greatest collection of natural artifacts in the western hemisphere, and look at what we're doing.